In Your Head


AJ had never wanted a shift to never end in all her life. She wanted to stay at the hospital for as long as she could, anything to avoid going to see her mother. But, the shift did end and she did have to make her way to the house.

She liked to think she wasn't influenced or scared of her mother, but having been raised the way she was, it was hard not to sometimes. It was hard to go against her. From a stranger looking in, she knew it would make more sense for her to just tell her mother to back off, but somehow she hadn't been able to do that in her life.

She walked into the house, sitting her purse down and walking through to the kitchen where Jeanette was sitting at the table reading a magazine.

"Good, you're here." Jeanette nodded, "Made you some tea." She pointed.

"Thank you." AJ said, "I really can't stay too long, though. I know you want answers from me but I don't even have them myself so-"

"I don't want answers." Jeanette shook her head, "I know the answers."

"You do?" AJ wondered, sitting down at the table.

"You made a mistake." Jeanette nodded, "It happens to the best of us." She said as AJ nodded along, pleasantly surprised at the calm tone she was hearing, "Sometimes we just don't think about things or the people around us. It happens and we just need to move forward."

"Yeah." AJ nodded along.

"What's important is you own up to all of it." Jeanette said as AJ looked at her.

"I have. I did when I told him." AJ assured her.

"Then you did it as much as you can until he takes notice, until he forgives you-"

"Mom." AJ shook her head.

"No, let me speak." Jeanette nodded, "This isn't on him to fix. This is on you. I don't care what made you do it but you apologise and apologise." She said, "And Jason will come round, I know he will. He loves you."

"I don't think I love him." AJ said.

"What are you talking about?" Jeanette shook her head at the absurd comment.

"It wasn't just a one night stand. I… I'm in love with this man. I love him." AJ said, "And if I love him then I can't truly love Jason." She shook her head.

"April I don't know who this man is, I don't care who he is but I know without a doubt he doesn't love you the way Jason loves you." Jeanette nodded, "He is the right man for you. He's perfect. He is everything your father wasn't. That's how I know." She nodded.

"Ok and that's fine if you think that but I'm telling you that I… I'm in love with someone else now-"

"That's just a phase." Jeanette assured her, as though speaking to an infant, "And you'll grow out of it so soon, and all you'll want is to be with Jason again. If you never truly loved him, you wouldn't have agreed to marry him."

"Well… you married dad and you didn't love him." AJ shook her head.

"That is… neither here nor there." Jeanette waved her hand, "You've known this… other man for such a short time, way too short to claim you love him." She chuckled a little as AJ shook her head.

"You're wrong. Mom, he's so great to me and he loves me too. I'm happy with him. And I loved Jason, I did, and I hate myself for how I hurt him but… I don't even think he wants to be with me anymore anyway." AJ shook her head.

"Nonsense. Of course he does." Jeanette shook her head, "I've spoke with him."

"What?" AJ looked at her.

"I spoke with him not too long ago. He misses you and he's just… so lost without you." Jeanette nodded, "His pride is hurt."

"Any time I've called him he hasn't answered. But you've spoken with him?" AJ questioned.

"I have. I just wanted to see if he was ok." Jeanette nodded.

"You didn't check on me, to see if I was ok." AJ shook her head.

"Well the only reason this mess is happening is because of you." Jeanette said, "If you had just kept your panties on, none of this would have blown up in your face." She said as AJ sat in silence, "It's like you're seventeen all over again. Wanting the attention-"

"Don't bring that up." AJ warned, "Just don't."

"You make this right with your fiancé." Jeanette said, "Because he loves you and he misses you. And you two were meant to walk down that aisle together."

"Did he really say he misses me?" AJ asked.

"He did." Jeanette nodded, "And this other man, whoever he is, he'd never be able to stick by you like Jason has. This is a common thing, April. Before people get married sometimes they have a brief moment of panicking."

"I don't think doing this is all that common." AJ said.

"No, it is. But you find your way back." Jeanette assured her, "Don't you remember what it was like when you first met Jason? And when you got engaged you were… so happy." She smiled, "Only that type of happiness lasts forever." She nodded as AJ looked across at her, not saying anything.

"He still loves me?" AJ questioned.

"Of course he does." Jeanette said, "He's just been hurt, but… I think if you both talk it out, it'll work out just fine and… I mean, you told me you knew he was gonna be your person for life. Do you think that really changes?" She asked as AJ looked at her. Her biggest downfall in life, always, was listening to her mother.

"N-No." AJ shook her head.

"Of course it doesn't." Jeanette said, "You and Jason were meant to be, baby. It's so clear. You've just… had a momentary relapse and that's why I'm here, to make sure you don't lose something that is just made for you."

"But I… I love Phil." AJ nodded.

"I don't know who he is, I don't care, because he'll never be Jason and you know that. You've known this man for weeks and Jason for years… what are you most sure about?" She said, "Jason of course."

"I just… I thought it was over." AJ said, "I thought he was finished with me and… and I'd move out and move on." She admitted.

"No he's just hurting and he needs space but he loves you and he misses you. In fact, he was super concerned about you. Worried about the choices you were making. Worried that you were panicking with the stress of your job and the wedding coming up-"

"He's worried about me?" AJ asked.

"Yeah." Jeanette nodded, "He just wants to know you're ok. I really think it'd be good if you both sat down and talked this all out. So you can move on." She said as AJ looked across at her.

"He wants that? Really?" AJ asked.

"Yes. Why is it so hard to believe?" Jeanette shook her head.

"Well because I… I slept with another man, that's why." AJ said, "Not just that, but I've fallen in love with another man-"

"No you haven't. You just made a mistake and you own up to mistakes and move past it." Jeanette nodded.

"I can't marry someone if I love someone else." AJ shook her head.

"You don't love him." Jeanette scoffed, "Love isn't… cheating and… cheap sex for a few weeks. It's truly knowing someone, like you know Jason." She nodded, "Someone who will always be there for you and stick by you." She said as AJ looked at her, her brain absorbing all of this overwhelming information.

"You think I should marry Jason?" AJ asked.

"Oh, honey. Of course" Jeanette nodded, "You two will be back to how you were before you know it, and a wedding… that will just set you straight on the right path." She said as AJ nodded along, unconvinced.

"So he… he did tell you he still wanted to marry me?" AJ asked her. She had to be sure. She wasn't expecting any of this.

"Yes, he did." Jeanette nodded, "So you two need to have a chat, and work this thing out. Cause he's the man for you. I know you and I know what you need. And it's him." She said as AJ nodded along.


"Hey, where were you?" Renee asked, standing in her kitchen in one of Dean's t-shirts and her underwear, eating some instant noodles from a cup.

"I was seeing my mom." AJ said, taking her coat off and sitting it over the chair.

"Oh yeah." Renee chuckled, "How did it go?" She asked.

"It was… fine." AJ shook her head, not really saying much, making her way over to the fridge.

"Thought you'd be going to Phil's." Renee said, "So there was an explosion downtown… I think he might need some TLC." She smiled.

"Uh… no, I'm not gonna go tonight." AJ shook her head as Renee looked at her, "I mean he text me but I just told him I had a headache."

"Why?" Renee shook her head.

"Am I being stupid?" AJ asked curiously.

"For not going to your boyfriend's place to have sex? Yeah, probably." Renee laughed a little.

"He's not my boyfriend, though. Is he?" AJ questioned, "I'm still engaged. I haven't had a conversation with Jason yet." She said as Renee looked at her, "I should never have done this." She whispered to herself.

"Done what? What are you talking about?" Renee questioned.

"Sleeping with Phil and… pretending I'm a little girl with a crush and no responsibilities." AJ shook her head, "I'm meeting Jason tomorrow for coffee."

"You're kidding." Renee looked at her with confusion, "You've spoke to him?"

"No, we text. He wants to meet me and I wanna know what he has to say." AJ nodded as Renee just shook her head.

"You know… the devil works hard but your mom, boy she works harder." Renee laughed a little, "Please, whatever she's feeding you, lies or what not, don't believe her."

"But she's right." AJ said, "I fell in love with Jason and everything just made sense then. When I got engaged I was so happy. That stuff doesn't just happen with anyone and it doesn't disappear."

"And what the hell is Phil? A play toy you can just throw away when you get bored? You've been spending every night with him, sleeping with him, getting to know him." Renee said. She would not shy away from telling her friend the truth.

"I don't know maybe… maybe I'm just panicking or I'm having a midlife crisis or something-"

"Oh please. This is all your mom talking. Getting into your head. She did it when you said you wanted to be a neurologist. She convinced you that wasn't what you wanted and you almost didn't apply for this residency program." She shook her head, "For once please… just don't listen to her." Renee shook her head.

"I'm meeting Jason tomorrow." AJ nodded as Renee rolled her eyes, "And I don't know what he's going to say…"

"If he says he forgives you and that he wants to marry you… then what?" Renee asked worriedly as AJ just looked at her, "You're out of your mind." Renee shook her head.

"I do love him." AJ nodded.

"No… no you don't, that's the problem." Renee said, "Have you even thought about how Phil is going to feel?"

"He probably doesn't even love me. He doesn't know me." AJ scoffed.

"I don't support any of this." Renee shook her head, leaving the kitchen in disbelief as AJ sat down at the table, running her hands through her hair stressfully, her brain simply being taken over by her mother's input, something she just hadn't learned to go against.