Not Yourself
"If she's not of a good mind then… we don't need to stay long." Punk nodded to AJ, sitting in the car with her outside the nursing home is mother stayed at. Matteo was in his carrier in the back, fast asleep.
They'd taken a few days to lay low and get Matteo settled at their home. They were learning to be parents, learning to change diapers at 4am, to sleep whenever they got the chance, to not panic over the littlest of things and so much more. In a way, Punk was glad to just shut the outside world out for a few days and stay in their own little bubble.
"She might not know that… we're introducing her to her grandson but she'll know he's a baby and I'm sure she'll take to him." AJ nodded, "He's pretty hard not to love." She said as Punk smiled and nodded.
They'd mostly spent the past few days just turning to mush over their son. Their hearts definitely belonged to him now.
"He is." Punk agreed as AJ looked at him. She was worried about her husband. He wasn't sleeping, and when he did fall asleep he only woke in panic and sweat. He just didn't seem like his normal self. When he was with Matteo, he was the Phil she knew and loved. But when she saw him in quiet moments alone, he seemed so out of character. So scared. She was trying to figure out how best to confront it, she had a feeling it was to do with what happened at the explosion.
"Ok, let's introduce this boy to his grandma." AJ smiled, leaning over and kissing his cheek as Punk smiled, watching her get out of the car as he sat for a minute. She was keeping him going right now. That was for sure.
AJ took the carrier from the back seat, walking towards the nursing home with Punk as they got in and signed into the visitors list. The staff who of course knew them very well from coming and going, congratulated them both and swooned over Matteo.
They then headed to Gerry's room, knocking on the door before walking in, seeing her sitting over by the table whilst the TV was on.
"Hey, mom." Punk announced as Gerry looked over.
"Hi, Gerry." AJ smiled. The hope of her recognising them like she used to wasn't there anymore. All they really hoped for was that she was comfortable and stable.
"Hi." Gerry said suspiciously, looking back to the TV as AJ looked at Punk.
"Mom, we've got someone here to meet you." Punk said, walking over to the table, taking a seat whilst AJ walked over with Matteo in his carrier.
"No more nurses." Gerry shook her head, "They've been picking at me all day." She grabbed the remote control, turning the channel. Her brain didn't have the ability to register the baby carrier. It just went straight over her head.
"It's not anymore nurses." Punk assured her as AJ took a seat beside him, sitting the carrier down beside her, "You have your first grandchild." He nodded as Gerry looked at him.
"Well… that doesn't make sense because I don't have any children." She shook her head as Punk looked across at her.
"You do, ma. I'm your son." Punk nodded, "Me and Dean. You've got two sons. And now you've got a grandson." He said whilst AJ took Matteo from his carrier into her arms, "That's your grandson." He told her as Gerry looked on at the baby boy in AJ's arms.
"His name is Matteo." AJ smiled, "We think he's kinda cute." She nodded as Punk smiled.
"He is." Gerry nodded, looking over at the baby boy, "He's small." She observed.
"Didn't feel small." AJ shook her head, "He was… seven pounds and five ounces." AJ nodded, "You wanna see how much hair he has?" She asked as Gerry nodded with interest, watching as AJ took Matteo's hat off to show his hair.
"That's a lot of hair." Gerry nodded.
"He hates getting it washed. Hates it." AJ said, turning to Punk who nodded, "That's the only time he really cries hard. He's so great." She nodded.
"Does he sleep well?" Gerry asked, shuffling her seat over a little closer as Punk smiled.
"He does." AJ nodded, "He's waking during the night for feeds but he does well to sleep in between it all. Makes it easier on us." She said, "We're just trying to figure it all out." She said as Gerry nodded.
Punk was slightly jealous of the way his wife was able to navigate a conversation with his mother. She always seemed to create a calm in the air, that encouraged his mother to speak with them, even if she didn't recognise them. Even if they felt like strangers to her.
"His name is Matteo?" Gerry asked again.
"Yeah, that's right." AJ smiled, "Well… Matteo Phillip Brooks to be exact." She nodded.
"He's a good baby." Gerry nodded, looking on at Matteo who was fast asleep in AJ's arms.
"Do you want to hold him?" AJ asked as Gerry looked at her.
"N-No… I don't want to." Gerry shook her head worriedly, "No I don't want your baby." She shook her head as Punk looked at her.
"Just to hold." AJ assured her, "We'll be right here." She nodded as Gerry looked at them both.
"You can hold him." Punk nodded to her as Gerry looked at them both.
"Ok." Gerry said, watching as AJ passed Matteo over to her, carefully taking the baby boy from her. AJ shuffled her chair right beside Gerry, just to be closer for precaution.
Punk smiled as he watched his mother holding Matteo. It wasn't how any of them wanted it to be like. In a nursing home, without her memory or awareness, but for him it meant the world to see the woman who raised him, hold the sweet baby boy he was going to raise.
"He's a sweet baby." Gerry smiled, looking down at Matteo as AJ watched with a smile, turning to Punk who was also smiling.
"Did he go down ok?" AJ asked, standing in the kitchen later that night, cooking them dinner as oppose to ordering in like they had been doing, watching Punk come in from putting Matteo to sleep upstairs.
"Yeah, he's all good." Punk nodded, sitting the sound monitor down on the kitchen counter, "Hey, I wanted to thank you for making sure we went to see my mom with him." He said as she turned to him, "I was actually trying to talk myself out of it. I thought it'd be too difficult. But… seeing her holding him was just great." He said as AJ smiled.
"Yeah, I'm glad we went." AJ said, "It might not be what you wanted but you can still say your mom got to hold your son. Regardless of what condition she's in." She said as Punk nodded.
"How do you do it?" He asked her as she shook her head with confusion.
"Do what?" She asked him.
"When we're with my mom, you do this thing, I don't know if you notice, but you get her to talk, you make her really comfortable." Punk said, "I'm not saying I make her uncomfortable but I sometimes don't really know what to say to her." He said, "But you just… you're both like chatterboxes when you get talking." He laughed a little as she smiled.
"I'm a doctor." She nodded, "I have to make conversation with lots of people all the time. Worried family. Worried patients. Doctors who are doubting their abilities." AJ said, "And I talk to your mom like I would talk to anyone else. Because she's still there. She might not be the mom you knew or the mom you want to see but she's there." She nodded as he smiled.
"And he slept the entire time." Punk chuckled.
"He's a sleepy guy." AJ smiled.
"Dean text me. The funerals are on Friday for Drew and Frank. I can just go if you want." He said.
"No, I want to go." AJ nodded, "I… I didn't know them very well but I know they were your friends and I know they meant a lot to you." She said as Punk nodded, looking down as he made his way over to the table as she watched.
She wasn't sure what the best way to approach any of this was. She knew losing someone was an awful thing. She knew it was heart-breaking and especially for the first few days, shocking. But she was worried about him.
"So he'll wake in a few hours?" Punk asked, looking at the clock in the kitchen.
"Yeah, he'll shout on me I'm sure." AJ nodded, looking over at him, "Phil." She said.
"Yeah?" He turned to her.
"Are you ok?" She asked him, "You just… you seem a little off. And I know it's probably because of what happened with the explosion. But I know you're not sleeping." She nodded worriedly.
"I'm sleeping." He assured her.
"No, you're not. Because when I wake up, you're not in bed. And when you are in bed and you're sleeping, you're… sweating and panicking. You're frightened." She looked over at him as he shook his head, "You are."
"It's just some bad dreams." Punk shook his head, "It's nothing."
"It's not nothing." AJ shook her head, "You lost two friends and-"
"Yeah, exactly. I lost two friends so… do you really need me to explain to you what's going on here?" He asked.
"Well you could talk to me about… the bad dreams." AJ said, "They seem really terrible."
"They're not. It's just… it's fine." He shook his head, "They'll go away."
"Have you had anything like this before? Nightmares like that?" She asked him.
"Please don't doctor me right now. I'm not one of your patients." He shook his head.
"No, I'm your wife and I'm worried about you. I've been watching you these past few days. You're not yourself." She shook her head.
"I'm fine." He said, "After a bad call out, sometimes you can get a few bad dreams after. It'll go away. You need to just stop worrying." He nodded, "I'm fine."
"Don't make me feel bad for asking about this." AJ shook her head, "For caring. And don't expect me to not notice or pay attention. You don't have to be strong or pretend to me. It's me. And you don't have to do it because Matteo is here now."
"I'm just trying to enjoy our son's first few days together. I don't want my shit to ruin anything for you." He nodded truthfully.
"Your shit is my shit." AJ said, "And you talk to me if you're struggling with something. Work related or not. Matteo is fine. And we love him and these are still the best few days of our lives because he's here now." She said, walking over to him and cupping his cheeks with force, "But you still need to talk to me." She nodded seriously.
"I will." He assured her, taking her hands from his cheeks and kissing them, "I'm gonna go for a shower." He told her as she just nodded, watching him leave the kitchen as she sighed to herself, not convinced he was truly fine.
