Dreams and Letters


"Ok, baby boy. It's time to let momma go make her dinner and fall asleep on the couch." AJ said quietly, putting Matteo into his crib for the night after he'd fallen asleep in her arms after a feed and change of diaper.

She placed him into his crib in the nursery, turning on the projector light with stars and moons dotting around the ceiling. She was pretty sure she loved the light more than Matteo did. Sometimes she just sat on the chair in the corner of the room beside the book shelf, counting all the stars on the ceiling. It was relaxing. Punk had joked many times about getting one for their own bedroom.

She smiled as she looked over the crib, always finding herself standing for just a few more minutes to watch him before leaving the nursery. He was growing so much already, hitting eight weeks old today, but still the most scrumptious bundle.

She left the nursery, half closing the door over as she headed back downstairs to cook some instant noodles and curl on the sofa with a dramatic tv show. She missed her husband when he worked nights. She hated how quiet the house was, and missed curling into him on the sofa.

She was sitting with her blanket, chowing down some noodles when she heard a knock at the door. She sat her bowl down and made her way to the door, a little fearful somehow, not knowing who to expect, pleasantly surprised to open the door to her boss.

"Hey." Shauna nodded to her as AJ smiled.

"Oh, hi." AJ said.

"Well I was just… on my way home, driving by this way, thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing." Shauna said.

"Come in." AJ encouraged as Shauna stepped into the house, "You're not normally a visting person." She said.

"I'm not. Don't get used to it." Shauna assured her, following her through to the kitchen, "Smells like baby powder in here. Takes me back." She smiled to herself, putting her purse on the kitchen table.

"Can I get you a coffee?" AJ asked. She wasn't sure what brought Shauna here, why she had come to visit, part of her was nervous.

"Yeah go for it." Shauna nodded, "Where is Phil?" She wondered.

"Oh he's on night shifts for the next five days." AJ groaned.

"You sound thrilled." Shauna said, sitting down at the table.

"I'll barely see him. I know that it's what he's gotta do." AJ nodded, "Someone has to cover nights, I guess." She nodded. Part of her was just glad the house wasn't so empty anymore. That she had someone to talk to. Someone to distract her from the thoughts in her head.

"Yeah, nights are a pain in the ass." Shauna agreed as AJ walked over to the table with coffee, "I was semi wondering if you'd maybe be in bed." She laughed a little.

"It's only eight." AJ laughed a little.

"You have a baby. When my kids were babies I slept every chance I got." Shauna scoffed.

"I'm not much of a sleeper anyway. Makes being a doctor so easy." AJ nodded, "You're not here to fire me, are you?" She asked suddenly, getting a panic in her stomach as she remembered the hospital was letting staff go.

"No, of course I'm not." Shauna rolled her eyes, "If I was firing you I'd be wearing better clothes." She assured her as AJ smiled a little, "I'm just checking in." She nodded.

"You never striked me as the checking in kind of person." AJ admitted, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Well I'm not." Shauna nodded honestly, "But having a baby can be a stressful time. And I know Phil works long hours so you're probably holding the fort here."

"Yeah, only cause I was gifted with the uterus and the boobs." AJ nodded.

"It's a good gift." Shauna assured her as AJ smiled, "You feeling ok? You had the health visitor around? I ask Renee but most of the time she's so rushed off her feet, she can't give me more than a nod." She said.

"I'm doing fine." AJ nodded, "He's such a good baby. I mean he's down for the night right now and he'll wake up for a feed at about 4am, but once he gets it he goes straight back down until morning." She said.

"That's good. A baby with routine is a happy baby." Shauna nodded, "I had the pleasure of seeing your lovely husband yesterday." She smiled a little as AJ nodded.

"Up to no good I hear." AJ said, "Renee told me was trying to get my files."

"Yeah, he was." Shauna nodded with concern.

"We've talked about it, don't worry." AJ said briefly. She couldn't really get into the details of her mother with her boss.

"Did I ever tell you that your dad was still working at the hospital when I was an intern?" She asked her as AJ looked at her.

"You were there with my dad?" AJ asked with surprise.

"Only for a year or so before he died." Shauna nodded, "I didn't know him or speak with him." She clarified.

"How come you've never told me this?" AJ shook her head.

"Never really came up." Shauna shook her head, "And not that I'm one to assume, but I didn't strike you as being close to your parents. I didn't think it would help us get along any better by telling you." She said as AJ nodded.

"You're probably right." AJ smiled, "Honestly? Being a new mom has been a breeze compared to trying to figure out how to be a daughter." She admitted.

"Why do you say that?" Shauna asked.

"Just… my mom. I have a really complicated relationship with her. Phil makes it sound so easy. Just forget about her, babe. She's not worth it." She mimicked as Shauna smiled, "It's not easy like that for me. I feel guilty that I won't let her see Matteo but I also know that she doesn't deserve to see him… or me." She nodded to herself, "And when Phil is at work and it's just me here on my own, Matteo is sleeping… I'm just suffocating in all of my thoughts about it." She shook her head as Shauna nodded, looking across at her.

"Please don't take offence by this but… have you ever tried therapy?" Shauna asked her.

"No." AJ shook her head, "My therapy was working. Constantly moving and staying busy." She said, "Makes sense why it's all came flooding back."

"It's not uncommon for people to have strains in their relationships with their parents." Shauna said, "And if it really gets to you, I'd recommend therapy."

"As a doctor or as a friend?" AJ asked.

"Both." Shauna nodded as AJ sighed to herself, running her hand through her hair. Shauna could sense she needed to talk about what was on her mind, and she could see she was in a difficult place. To think it was all because of her mother just seemed so unfair. So unfair that someone who was supposed to love and cherish her, was making her feel like this. No mother at all.

"I just feel like nobody really gets it because they didn't live through what I did." AJ shook her head, "And I hate to be the girl who says nobody understands but honestly, that's how I feel most of the time. My husband has an angel as a mother. He certainly doesn't understand. And Renee and her mom are like sisters." AJ said.

"Doesn't mean they can't see your point of view." Shauna said, "You know, I saw your mother a few times at the hospital. When your dad was still alive. You know what it's like when you're an intern. You take notice of everything and everyone." She nodded, "I uh… I saw her taking wound dressings from a stock room one time." She said as AJ looked across at her, her palms getting sweaty, feeling her mug sliding down her hand as she sat it down.

"Stealing from a hospital? Yeah, that's my mom." AJ nodded, laughing it off as Shauna looked at her.

"Well they were wound dressings for burns specifically." Shauna said, "And she took a lot of them."

"She was a health nut. Had so many first aid kits in our house growing up." AJ nodded as Shauna looked at her, "I used to think it was because my dad worked in a hospital but she was just a very cautious mom." She nodded. Years of practise helped her convince people that her mother was just a protective parent. An organised parent. And part of her had convinced herself that she was too.

"April, it's absolutely none of my business and you don't have to put up with me talking to you about this, but if you ever need to talk to someone… I am here." Shauna nodded, "And not as a boss. As a friend. Maybe you don't think you can talk about it with Phil or with Renee. But I'll listen." She nodded.

"Talk about what?" AJ shook her head as Shauna looked at her.

"Just… your situation with your mom." Shauna nodded.

"I talk about it with Phil." AJ assured her, "He's been helping me through it."

"Well that's good." Shauna nodded positively.

"I appreciate you stopping by and checking in on me, though." AJ nodded, "I really appreciate it." She said as Shauna smiled.

"I'm looking forward to you coming back to work." Shauna smiled.

"You miss me?" AJ smiled.

"Sometimes." Shauna nodded.

"I miss it all." AJ said, looking down at her coffee, "I'm not quite ready to go back yet."

"Of course you're not." Shauna said, "Right now it's time for you to rest and be with that beautiful little baby."

"It's this part that kinda leaves me stumped." AJ said, "When he's asleep and Phil is at work. I kinda feel like I'm walking around the house like a missing part." She laughed a little.

"You're just not used to taking things slowly. You're a doctor. Slow isn't in our vocabulary." She shook her head as AJ nodded.

"I've been having these really vivid dreams about being younger." AJ shook her head, "Mom and dad are there and she's always holding onto something." She said, thinking about the dreams she awoke from when she drifted off on the couch, her arm hanging off the edge.

"Dreams can be strange." Shauna nodded, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Sometimes they feel like dreams and sometimes it feels like it was real. Like it happened." AJ shook her head. She barely understood it herself so she knew nobody else could understand.

"You eating cheese before you go to bed?" Shauna smiled.

"That's totally a myth." AJ scoffed as Shauna chuckled.


"Hey, how you doing?" Dean walked into the nursing home, signing in at the front desk and greeting the woman behind.

"Hey, it's a blizzard out there." Irene noticed, sitting up from the chair behind the front desk.

"Yeah, it's coming on thick." Dean nodded.

"How's the knee doing?" Irene asked him.

"Oh, you know. Rehabbing it like crazy. The guys let me tag along on the truck sometimes but I've not been cleared." He shook his head.

"Impatient?" Irene smiled.

"Oh, you bet." Dean said, "How is she doing?"

"She's quiet. Not saying very much." Irene gave him the heads up as Dean nodded. It's how she had been for quite some time now.

"She eating good?" Dean asked.

"With a little bit of assistance." Irene said, "She's always asking for coffee but we can't let her have it unless we're supervising her, so if she asks just keep an eye on her."

"I will." Dean nodded.

"And she had some correspondents in this morning. Some mail. Probably junk." Irene told him, "I left it in her room on the table for you or your brother to look at it."

"Ok, I'll skim through it." Dean nodded to them, leaving the front desk and heading through the nursing home to his mother's room.

He knocked and entered so never scare or startle her, walking on in and spotting her sitting by the table where she normally was, watching the TV in silence, turning to him as he entered the room, and looking back to the TV.

"Hey, mom." Dean said softly. He knew it meant nothing to her at this point, but it still meant everything to him.

She stayed quiet and so he walked over to the table where the letters were sitting, opening them up one by one, tossing most in the trash until he came to one with a prison stamp on the front of the envelope.

He looked to his mother with confusion, "You got a pen pal?" He scoffed, but with worry, tearing open the letter and reading it.

Gerry,

I swear to God your brain better still be working to respond to me. I got people showing up here asking questions. I don't mind visits from reporters or lawyers. It's funny. You know I think it's funny. But I don't like people showing up talking to me about my business. My personal business. Strangers who I don't know or like for that matter. If you're of a good mind right now, come visit me. If not then fuck you for losing your marbles.

All my love

Nickie

"Who the hell is this?" Dean shook his head, looking over to his mother who sat watching the TV with a daze in her face which told him she truly had no idea where she was or who she was.