Chapter 4
Jamie's View
It wasn't until Pops pointed this out that I noticed that Danny really wasn't contacting or checking on me anymore. At first I was almost relieved to finally have some peace and quiet, to not always have to defend myself about my decisions and to be able to work in peace. But I quickly realized that not only did I miss knowing Danny always had my back, but it could also become quite unpleasant...especially at the station.
Danny used to show up at the station and ask about me... since he stopped doing this, the older colleagues became... rougher. Like right now...Sarge and I were called to a murder and while Sarge was busy securing and coordinating the crime scene, I was tasked with carrying equipment...something I haven't had to do in almost 2 years...
„This way, detectives.", I just heard one of those same colleagues talking and watched as Danny and his new partner (no idea how many since Jacky) entered the room where the victim was lying. Without a word, Danny walked past me and leaned toward the victim while his partner surveyed the room.
"What do we know about the victim?" Danny asked the room…and since I was used to him always referring to me, I started to explain: "Jennifer Walice, 24, single, was found like this by her friend when she didn't show up for the agreed meeting and..." Before I could continue talking, I was interrupted by Danny's partner: "Since when do newbies talk at a crime scene? Or am I blind and don't see your stripes?"
I could feel myself blushing in embarrassment and automatically looked at my brother...without thinking about it...I was convinced he would come to my defense and give his partner something to think about. But Danny didn't even look in my direction or move a muscle to rush to my aid. On the contrary...Danny stood up again and motioned for his partner to follow him. "Come on, we have to inform the family," he explained and left the scene.
I caught myself looking after my brother, confused and hurt. It was quiet in the room for a short time...until suddenly the whispering started: "I can't believe it...", "Bad air with the Reagans.", "Apparently the rookie has lost his protector.", and even more...I couldn't stand it anymore and quickly left the room...I hadn't felt so humiliated in a long time.
As soon as I was outside, Sargeant Renzulli came after me. "Man, Reagan…what was that? Are you and your brother okay? I never thought I would see Danny Reagan not defending his family like a pitt bull." Sighing, I sat down on the steps in front of the house and looked up at Sarge like a kicked puppy. "It's nothing Sarge...Danny and I just had a little disagreement...nothing more." I waved...hoping that Renzulli would lose interest...which of course wasn't the case.
"It's a mystery to me how you survived undercover...you're really bad at lying. So spit it out, what's going on?". Whatever...I have to talk to someone and Sarge always had good ideas...maybe he could really help me understand. "At the last Sunday dinner…" I started to talk and then I couldn't stop myself… I talked and talked… until I had nothing left to talk about and could only look silently into Sarge's incredulous face.
Shocked, he sat down next to me on the stairs and patted me on the back in a slightly mocking manner. "Wow, kid...if you miss, then you miss really bad. No wonder Danny basically declared you fair game." I frowned in confusion. "Fair game? What do you mean by that, Sarge?". "Do you want to tell me that you didn't notice that you were treated almost with kid gloves for a newcomer? Especially your first few months at the station." Renzulli asked and had to laugh when I answered him: "Maybe a little...Yeah...but I thought that was because I'm the PC's son."
"Kid, that you're the PC's son, may be interesting for the higher ups in the food chain...but your colleagues here on the ground...they pretty much don't care…No, what they care about is that weeks before you graduated from the academy, Danny made it clear to the officers what would happen if someone gave his little brother a hard time...every officer he saw, no matter what department." Sarge explained with a wry grin as he saw my wide eyes and he continued talking, "Yes...even though you and apparently the rest of your family don't want to acknowledge it...Danny isn't known in the NYPD for being the Commisinor's eldest son...no, he's known for being the best at his job. And yes, he's a hothead and often too daring...but for Danny, that's the only way to do this job right...all or nothing...and that's what every one of your colleagues respects and admires."
I never thought Sarge would say such words about my brother. Of course I was aware of what a good detective Danny was...but the fact that my colleagues saw it that way, that they even heard when he orderd them to leave me alone...I didn't expect that.
As a child I was always completely fascinated by Danny...because he is so much older than me, I never really saw him as a brother, but more as this unattainable person in my life who wasn't afraid of a fight, was great at every form of sport and that I always hid behind when I was afraid or someone wanted to hurt me. I wanted to be like him...show him that I was his equal and not just his baby brother who crawled into bed with him crying during thunderstorms.
Everything was completely different with Joe...he was only 3 years older than me and I always felt on an equal footing with him. He was my brother and best friend...I had no secrets from him and told him all about my ambitions to be like Danny and how i just wanted to hear from him once that he valued my opinion and was proud of me. Joe had always supported me and encouraged me. However, when Joe died, my world collapsed...I not only lost my brother but also my confidant.
I was devastated and Danny...Danny didn't show anything after the funeral. While the rest of the family could hardly stop crying or were in shock at first...Danny was, as always...headfirst into work. Even Dad was in a trance for almost two weeks. I still remember how mad I was at Danny back then...because he seemed to get over Joe's death with ease. Of course I knew that Danny also missed Joe dearly and even blamed himself for his death... but to be honest... it all still gnawed at me... the childish need to be recognized by him and the anger at his seeming indifference.
I have to admit I was pretty gloating when the FBI approached me to help with Joe's case and not Danny. I thought this would be the chance to prove to everyone, but especially Danny, what I can do. I had no idea what I was getting myself into...and then I had to crawl back to my brother and hide behind him again. Once again it was Danny who straightened everything out and cornered Joe's murderer...again I felt useless.
I think that was the moment after I tried to put Danny down, provoke him, and even badmouth him at every opportunity I could get...all just to make myself feel better. With ever-increasing horror, I slowly realized how mean and condescending I had been to my brother over the last year...the brother who would sacrifice everything for his family...the one who had always protected me since birth...and the one I drove away…it was all my fault…
End of Chapter 4
another Chapter is finished :)!
I look forward to your comments and hope you all liked it.
LG
