Chapter 8: Note to Self
A/N: Sorry if this chapter seems a little rushed, I had a lot of things happening in the next chapter that I couldn't add to this one. I PROMISE that you guys will love it. That being said, with this chapter I'm doing a little experiment by finally expanding on John's long awaited perspective. A lot of you have been asking and since I feel like always writing from her/your perspective is getting a little stale so I'm willing to indulge. Be sure to tell me what you think about it in the reviews and pull absolutely no punches. Write long ass essays if you want to. My reader's thoughts and opinions are what keeps the story evolving.
PS: I uploaded a new story called Dark Armored Fate so feel free to check that out.
Initially, John wasn't wasn't usually what to make of her. The plan was to keep tabs on the woman just in case she reported everything she'd seen to the police. Not that it wouldn't have made any difference, the police and criminal underworld had a long-standing mutual agreement that wasn't coming to an end anytime soon. Now, he lay reflecting on how quickly they'd gone from strangers to sleeping comfortably in the same bed next to one another. He paid attention to her long eyelashes nearly laying against her flustered cheeks while she slept. This was not the first time he'd tucked her in and watched her sleep after a lustful session. She was quite the minx when she wanted to be.
She'd already proved herself to be head-strong, responsible, and surprisingly soft-hearted. There's an assertiveness about her, never afraid to speak her mind or express what she felt. When he first laid eyes on her, she was accosted by targets on his radar. Even with a gun pointed squarely in her face, she faced inevitable death with no visible fear. As a man of strict discipline, he'd witness many men turn into cowards the second a firearm was within view. The second she'd settled her deep brown eyes upon him from her crouched position behind the counter could be classified as a crucial moment in time. He could only stare back as she rose to her feet, his stoic face hiding just how baffled he was at her reaction to the chaos she'd witnessed happening. It dawned on him that perhaps their meeting was not serendipitous - as if fate had purposely set the vents in motion.
John was interrupted in his thoughts for a moment as her warm snuggled closer to him in her sleep.
Additionally, she was inadvertently teaching him to value human connection again, something he thought was unattainable while living the life he did. Not entirely helpless nor incapable of defending herself - always striving toward a greater independence than most women could ever conceptualize having. A woman like her tended to look at the world through an introspective lids, working to understand her actions and emotions as to handle forthcoming situations. He knew, it wasn't hard to gage the worry that crossed her features every now and then. Although now, that anxiety was becoming more prevalent as of late.
In all sincerity, she was a bit of an enigma for him just as much as he knew she felt he was. Not at all conventional in any sense that he knew of or was familiar with. Those who knew of him and had the slightest idea of what he did, of what he was - feared him. And yet, she showed no signs of apprehension having full knowledge of the truth. Even after she felt the need to inquire and he'd felt the need to divulge that truth, she still accepted the reality of it all. He knew it wasn't because of the alcohol swirling in her system that night. His confession essentially exposed her to the underworld hidden beneath the shadows of normal civilian life where the vast majority had no absolutely no knowledge of.
Since he'd unexpectedly come out of retirement, his services were becoming more highly requested. He was leaving 'on business' quite often - not because he wanted to but because it gave him something to do. He was aware of the perilous implications that could arise from her being closely attached to him. On the subject of his work, she could be a liability. A liability that she would ensure stayed out of harm's way as her safely remained the highest priority. Right now, this was a matter of choices and consequences.
The thought of anything happening to her is enough to turn his heart in stone. The business can be cruel and unforgiving - it was all too easy for her to be pulled into the grips of the inescapable world. All it would take is one enemy to find out about her link to him and try to use the information in order to gain an advantage over him. The crime syndicate often didn't allow or have room for loved ones. He fully expected that another ill-fated attempt would be made on her life, it was just a matter of when. After the incident in the club bathroom, he'd had to clear out that entire major organization to ensure there was no one left to continue pursuing her with deadly intent.
For a while, he was lost, set adrift on an endless cycle of death and trying to hold onto the long gone civilian life he tried to maintain after Helen's death. So he preserved on, believing himself to be a cursed man in life as Viggo stated not long before he'd dispatched him.
For quite some time he was merely searching for a reason to live. And now, through peculiar events - he believed that he might've found that reason in her. He found himself fighting harder on jobs just so he can return and find embrace within your arms. With no excuse except that coming back to her felt right although it was much more complex than that. Her presence offered a sense of comfort that he had not been able to find for a long time. He often moved in a blind haste when it came to her. When she called, he came running without hesitation. He still found it strange that this woman had become so much to him in such little time and now he couldn't leave her alone if he wanted to.
Of all his enemies and targets, you were probably the most dangerous to him at the moment. Between business and his seemingly quiet life - she had his full undivided attention. She probably was completely unaware of just how much control she had over him. With her, John lusted like he never did before and he had not been this close to anyone in over a year - that warm wetness between her thighs only sealed their fate together.
He was not an unfeeling man - he felt quite deeply actually. It was not in his nature to offload all of his emotions at once - preferring to to focus on one particular emotion at a time. It was not difficult for him to mask those emotions however. He was good with actions not words. He could show much better than he could tell that was for certain.
You awoke with a groan, trying to narrow your eyes shut against the sunlight from the enormous floor to ceiling windows of the bedroom. It was strange because you didn't even remember falling asleep though it wouldn't be the first time. You never really had the much strength and stamina after sex so the only thing you could do was sleep. One thing about John - he had no problem giving you that work.
A brief moment of peace soon gave way to the unpleasant memories from the previous day and you wanted to pull the covers over your head and let the bed swallow you whole. You refused to start another day feeling absolutely shitty. Turning over, you notice that John's side of the bed is empty.
You choose to lay in bed for at least thirty more minutes, drifting in and out of sleeping until the door opens and John makes his way into the room fully dressed with one of your pink duffle bags in hand. The sound of nails clicking across the floor momentarily confused you before a black pit-bull ran in to excitedly greet you on the bed. It's tail was wagging excitedly as it sniffed you and pressed his nose into your skin.
"Oh. I didn't know you had a dog."
Too bad your mom didn't allow "filthy dogs" in the house while you were growing up. You would've loved to have one.
"Yeah." The bag full of clothes is set on the bed next to you.
"Does he have a name?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Are you feeling better?"
You shook your head. "Not really."
"Would you like to talk about it?"
"No. Not yet. Maybe later but not right now." You hung your head low, refusing to meet his gaze.
He gave you a look and suddenly you regret your decision. Sadly, he says he'll be back and leaves the room before you can offer an apology.
The dog whimpers at you, as if he can sense the inner turmoil simmering inside you.
Confiding in the man about your problems seemed something people do in most platonic relationships. As far as you knew, you and John's relationship was strictly sexual in nature. It was an issue of not wanting to cross boundaries with him. Technically speaking, you'd already done that when you showed hostility towards another woman for her questionable behavior towards him. It wasn't right for the man to have to deal with your changing spectrum of emotions. The responsibility was yours to handle.
All those times spent pretending to be Tamron Hall in your bedroom mirror were wasted. You just couldn't move past this so easily. Just what the hell were you supposed to tell your parents? That you blew your chances since you didn't have a chance in the first place?
Your father might be quick to understand and accept it but you knew better than to think the same for your mother. She wouldn't go for any of it. You father on the other hand, practically doted on you from the very moment you were born. To him, you were still his little princess who could do no wrong. He'd be down with any decision that made you happy, even if that included cursing out your slightly racist professor and forgoing a job opportunity.
Overall, everything that happened was still a blow to your pride and everything you'd worked for and it couldn't be overlooked so easily. Your displeasure was showing like an unplucked lace and you were resigned to accept things as they were. To be honest, you were tired of charging shit to the game. Your life just needed to do right by you.
You lived in a world where hitmen were prevalent, nothing could possibly surprise you anymore than that. Well, maybe a unicorn that shits rainbows and hundred dollar bills but that was it.
Sifting through the bag, a realization came over you. The bag and the clothes had come from your apartment - meaning that John himself had gone to your apartment to get the items for you. He'd even taken the liberty to put extra clothes in the bag as well, likely for you to have options. The gesture was incredibly thoughtful.
Was he expecting you to stay a few more days? It was likely so.
Rifling through the clothes, you smile at the sight of the shorts which closely resemble a pair of panties. John Wick apparently, very fond of you walking around in booty shorts. That was an interesting tidbit of information to use for later.
On your phone, there was an email from the Dean of Students that you avoided completely reading. Immediately, you knew it had something to do with yesterday and you didn't wanna rehash the feelings and details anytime soon. Hopefully, it would fade into nothing but you didn't get your hopes up for that assumption.
Worst of all, your noisy mother had already called twice but you purposely let it go to voicemail before ultimately deciding to send her a text saying you call her back. There was no question in your mind that she wanted to know how the interview went but didn't have the heart to tell her just yet. You weren't ready to explain just how much of a dumpster fire it was; how could you tell her that the one thing you were looking forward to for months had ended in complete disaster. There was only so long you could avoid your mother before she found you. She was not a stranger to showing up at your apartment unannounced; in typically concerned black mother fashion.
You were a little delighted that John left you in his house while he was gone. Through your aimless wandering, you discovered that the place was a two floor, three bedroom suite, with three other rooms including a study loft and a huge garage. The residential, private house was wrapped around a nicely crafted courtyard on both sides. Huge windows let in considerable natural light from the outside. With beautiful magnolia and cherry trees encompassed in various places in the yard. Overall, you really liked the aesthetic of the house.
With nothing to do, you took it upon yourself to raid John's impressive kitchen. A kitchen for most, could be considered as the heart of the home. In any circumstance, you admired a lovely kitchen in anyone's house. He's a simple man who avoids overindulgence in life. Foods like rice, pasta, vegetables, and chicken took up residence in his kitchen. No trace of junk food could be found much to your disappointment. His diet was entirely too healthy for you. Like most normal people, you liked to enjoy the occasional cinnamon rolls or Debbie cakes. Balance played a huge part in his life as well. There was a carton of almond milk in the fridge.
"So he's a man of taste." You think.
Since you didn't feel like cooking anything beyond a piece of toast, you opted for a bowl of cereal instead. You sat at the table and read the cereal box while you ate. The atmosphere was really nice - the neutral tones of the place could encourage anyone to want to sip a cup of coffee and read the Sunday paper.
One thing was swirling around your mind though. Privacy was obviously important to John, so of course he lived in a secluded home. Apparently, he felt secure enough not to have a home security system in place on this open ass house. In his defense, the house is a bit out of the way for any prospective robber to find. Or maybe a robber just wasn't stupid enough to pick John's place of residence for a home invasion.
Considering that, most of John's life is still a mystery to you, you were totally unaware of his daytime activities. For the sake of passing time, you watched shows in his impressive entertainment center while you waited till he returned. Since you still had plans to uphold your decision to fall off the face of digital earth for a while. A social media break would do you some good. No more mindless scrolling through your feed. The dog appeared to have developed a fondness for you just that quick and you'd since you didn't know his name, you'd taken to calling him 'sweetface'. The pooch lay snuggled up next to you on the couch, quilling your shot nerves for the moment. It was so sweet. And it had worked for a while until you made the decision to call Jasmine and drone on about your problems over the phone.
"And then he just gave me this look I've never seen before. Jasmine I swear to you, I feel so bad. He probably thinks I'm shutting him out and he doesn't deserve that." You groaned.
You could feel Jasmine rolling her eyes through the phone. "Calm down. Why do you always act like it's the end of the world when shit happens? Seriously, I'm gonna come through this phone and slap the shit outta you, cause you doing a little too much for me right now."
"Well bitch it feels like the end of the world to me!" You shouted, making the dog lift his head from your laps in surprise. You gave him a head rub as an apology.
Jasmine clicked her teeth. "When me and Freddy were together do you know how many I called him out of his name when we argued. I can't even count and we argued over stupid shit all the time. Did all the fighting just to makeup right after."
"That's because ya'll stayed on each other's nerves."
"Exactly. That man knows you're going through something where you tell him what that is or not is irrelevant. He's giving you some space to cool off and sort through it. If you ask me, it's nothing to panic about."
"We're never really fought or had an argument before. I've never raised my voice at him or anything. He's just really chill about everything."
"Believe it or not, there's some men that don't like to argue, especially with women."
"I just wish I hadn't gone to that stupid ass interview anyway."
"Well it's done now, you can't take it back."
"My cousin Esha hit her man upside the head with a glass bottle during an argument and they're still together."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it damn sure didn't. Our situations are totally different."
"I'm just saying."
"He's been gone for about three hours. I don't know where he is."
"You gotta learn to stop blowing things outta proportion. You at home? I'm coming over."
"No, I'm not. Hold on."
You sent a quick text to John asking if it was okay for your friends to come over and to your shock he obliges. You fully expected him to be reluctant about people he didn't know being in his house. Honestly, you still had a hard time believing that he purposely brought you to his home to begin with.
As you expected, the girls go coo-coo for cocoa puffs the minute they step foot into the house. You knew they'd be on goofy shit straight away, that's just who they were.
Once John's dog leapt from the couch and your friends caught sight of them, all hell seemed to break loose. Jasmine immediately takes off running around the living room, screaming like a maniac. Sweetface automatically took that as an invitation to play and happily chased Jasmine around the room.
You started making a bid to Jasmine to reassure her that the dog was friendly. Of course, you didn't expect her to listen in her panicked state. She was too busy moving like a track star, jumping over furniture.
"Girl, stop running! He ain't gon hurt you." Alexis insisted, trying and failing to hold in her cackles. She pulled out her phone and started to video the whole thing all while laughing hysterically.
Meanwhile Jasmine was jumping over couches and tables like a maniac.
"Hey! Don't break that man's stuff. I ain't got no money to replace nothing and you don't either."
"Girl, that's your man now, he'll replace it himself."
"Oop, no..come here sweetface!" You call out to the excited dog while snapping your fingers. Right away, the dog hears you calling and makes his way back over to you, looking up at you with the most innocent eyes. Most canines wouldn't dare listen to a person they just met but luckily this one is very sweet and disciplined. He was pretty much a reflection of his owner. John trained him well.
"Good dog." You acknowledge, rubbing behind his ears.
Alexis watches all this impressed while Jasmine is struggling to catch her breath on a nearby couch. "Does John have a brother, a cousin, a friend or something because damn!"
"Yeah this house is nice." Jasmine mumbled, unable to stop her eyes from shifting around the room and the dog.
"He has to be a drug dealer. This is drug dealer money right here. Where's the bird and monkey? All the big time drug dealers have erotic pets. My bitch bagged a rich man. All those nights blasting City Girls clearly paid off. I bet this rug made outta chinchilla or some shit."
You shook your head at them before leading Sweetface to a separate room so Jas wouldn't kill herself trying to get away from him. Ultimately, you took Alexis' words into account but you couldn't dumb John down to his money, he was more than that whether he had money or not.
Still, you were glad that your friends were here. You desperately needed rationality to clear your conscience. All three of you comfortably sat in the living room for a necessary girl talk.
"So one day we ran into this woman and she acted like her and John had dealings. He said they didn't...you can tell she was really pressed about me being with him."
"She's probably crazy and doesn't wanna leave him alone. It's like that sometimes." Jasmine shrugged, inwardly noting the time she busted out a guy's window because he was downplaying her feelings while entertaining other women.
Alexis shook her head and making the cut throat motion. "Well, I'm sorry but she's gonna have to let that go. My friend fucking with him now and that's her man."
"That woman is not trying to let that old thang go."
"Okay, so where she at? We can go jump the bitch right now." Alexis asked.
"Girl I don't know probably at the circus with that clown ass makeup. And I told y'all to stop calling him my man." You answered.
"I don't understand why you keep denying it?! That's your man point blank. You out here beefing with clown bitches just because she saw yall together."
"That can't be regular dick...it gotta be di`que." Jasmine humorously insinuated.
"Yeah, his dick gotta have your mind gone because you're way smarter than this. And you would've fought the girl on the spot."
"So what! Just because we fuck doesn't mean he trusts me like that. Plus I don't fight over men."
"Oh my fuckin...girl. Listen to me. He left you in his big boujee ass house, with his dog, while he's gone." Alexis stated, ticking off fingers one by one with every example. "He didn't think to kick you out or nothing. What does that add up to?"
"Look...we do what we do and it's just that. Ain't no emotion involved." The words sounded out of place coming out of your mouth since you automatically categorized them as a lie. You and John had already crossed the line of being fuck buddies too many times at this point for it to just be that. "...And I got other shit going on."
"I thought you drank all that sad shit away. That was the whole point of us going out."
"Lex, I'm not Solange. Me feeling some type of way one day won't magically disappear the next day."
"Well, at some point you gotta let the shit go. All it's doing is making you sick."
Sighing sadly, you offer a response, "My whole thing is…"
It wasn't like you weren't trying to let it go. You weren't perfect and you didn't try to be either. For all your pondering, you thought it was better to keep your mind off everything negative. Yesterday was the worst and you should've known that drinking wasn't going to help that. The disappointment was still fresh in your mind however, stabbing your chest with icy jabs. Regardless, you didn't regret throwing that hot coffee into the man's face. He deserved every bit of that and maybe more.
Personally, you hated being out in such a predicament in the first place. Crushing failure in any capacity would take the forefront of her mind but you were eager to shift that mindset as soon as possible.
"Just forget it. I'm not gonna bring it up again."
Jasmine and Alexis looked over at you with knowing eyes and you tried to guess what they were thinking but couldn't exactly pinpoint it. Alexis got up from the couch to mess around with the entertainment center and your brows furrowed.
"What are you doing? Touching stuff."
"We finna dance. You already ruined the mood with your sad shit and I'm tryna get lit in your man's big ass house. Now where the speaker at?"
"It's like 11'oclock in the morning."
"I don't give a damn. Now get y'all asses up. I'm not playin."
A certain dark-haired assassin walked in to view, an unreadable detachment reflected on his features to find you and your friends dancing in his living room. You were shocked because you didn't hear the front door open or close over the music. Even with the music choice of Sada Baby's 'Whole Lotta Choppa's', the human embodiment of death's traditional stoic expression was in place. You hope your friends were confronted at his demeanor. You knew it was kind of his time to remain uninvolved with most things going on around him - or at least that's the impression he tended to give.
You rushed to cut off the music and your girls looked at you like you were crazy until they spotted the owner of the house. Your cheeks colored with embarrassment. "Um...John. This is Jasmine and Alexis. Say hey y'all." After the statement, you gave them a side eye that read, 'Don't embarrass me further than I already am.'
Both women gave your lover their own personalized greeting.
"Hey John." Alexis confidently saluted, a big goofy smile on her face.
Jasmine gave a polite wave. "Hi. Nice to meet you."
"Hello." John's calm tone replied, offering no explanation of what he'd just walked into.
"I like your house John, my friend likes it too. Y'all should move in together." Alexis playfully mentioned.
"Okay. That's enough. Y'all it's time to go." You said, grabbing their purses and ushering them to get their shoes, shrone over the living room floor.
Alexis pouted. "I don't wanna leave, I wanna live here with y'all."
You were embarrassed enough that you started urging Jasmine and Alexis towards the door while John watched somewhat amused.
"Bye John!" Alexis laughed and you had to push her harder. She needed to get the fuck outta here before all hell broke loose.
"Okay...not him with the immaculate silk press lookin like Andre 3000." Jasmine quietly quipped as she followed closely behind.
"You can get off of him." You laughed. "Imma text y'all later."
"Alright bye bitch." The door was closed and you released a breath afterwards.
Okay. That went well.
When you finally built up the courage to turn around, you watched John carefully maneuver out of his brown leather jacket. Your legs felt like jello as they moved to walk towards him, stopping when you were nearly pressing chest to chest with him. "Um..I want to talk about something with you."
His defined eyebrows went up in a 'blink and you'll miss it moment' but he obliged nonetheless. Having gotten the assurance you wanted, you took a hold of his hand to guide him to sit on the couch with you. Once you take a calming breath and regather all your lost conviction, you lay everything out on the table for him - something you found impossible yesterday. And you left no detail out. Telling him about your prolonged feelings and how you'd been working to avoid confronting them not realizing that it was causing more damage than good.
John's face remained neutral the entire time. He didn't interrupt you from talking, eyes shining with understanding. He's as quiet and impenetrable as a Buddhist monk and he's the only person you were worried about being too forward with. You were starting to feel you were never in your right mind around him.
"...he had me fucked up so I threw some coffee in his face and left." You explained.
As your eyes shifted elsewhere, you failed to notice John trying not to let the ghost of a smile appear on his lips. There were other means to inform you that he was proud of your actions. Though for him, it was surprising to see your confidence waning and that you were virtually unable to come to a head about your emotions. He knew that you were overly passionate about your beliefs and tended to cling to them as tightly as you could.
"It hurt me because I always put 100% into everything I do when it comes to school. And by some twist of fate, everything just went down the drain." Your voice gradually slipped into a low whisper, you had tried hard to stop the tears from clouding your vision but it was no use.
"I've been under so much pressure lately and I just…"
Your voice suddenly breaks and tears spill from your eyes before you could stop them. You thought about just how pathetic and weak in front of an entire assassin. Despite that, in true John Wick-like fashion, one of his hands comes up to wipe the tears away from your face. This was one of the few times that he let his carefully crafted unflappable expression falter. That innocent action makes your breathing pick up, the warmth of his palm nearly making you melt. John induced such warm, fuzzy feelings in you that you couldn't really deny it anymore. You only wanted to exist in his world. You already made the integral choice not to try and escape the directness of his character a long time ago.
Whether he knew it or not, John was giving you a much-needed confidence boost. The man had a way of coaxing you in and any form of touch would have your body lit up like the fourth of July. You craned your head to look up into his handsome face. The smell of his cologne is entirely too comforting for you as you leaned into his chest. Trying not to be mesmerized by him altogether.
"Hey um...I'm really sorry about earlier. I should've told you." Truthfully, you didn't even know what you were apologizing about - you just felt like you owed him one. He wasn't the type to judge you for something so trivial as crying. "It's not like me to act like such a crybaby."
He silently studies your distressed face, brown eyes are intense and refined as they look into yours. "The only way to control your emotions is to show them. It's hard to control sadness if you never express it properly. Falling short of expectations is a part of life."
The words put a great many themes in perspective; the first being that trying to suppress emotions wasn't good. And the second being that confronting them would be your best bet. With anger, you usually can calm yourself down or the emotion will wane on its own. With sadness, there wasn't really much you could do. It was such a debilitating, pointless emotion that often hindered judgement and strayed away from logic. Even worse, the feeling decided when it would go away on its own.
"I will never judge you for crying. It's the natural thing to do in your predicament."
The full baritone of his voice is deeper than the Mariana Trench. You did your best not to let vivid flashbacks from last night take over your wayward subconscious. Heat begins to flood and twist into your stomach. Everything about him left much to be desired. Who would've thought a man like him liked over accessorized black women.
The two of you stared into each other's eye for long moments before the sound of whimpering from the other room drew the attention away. You'd forgotten all about his dog in the midst of everything. On top of that, your phone began buzzing loudly on the nearby table and you knew who it was before you even looked at it. Timing just had a knack for distractions you guessed.
