Chapter 10: Pick Up Your Feelings
A/N: Wassap y'all! I'm releasing this chapter exactly one year to the day when I first uploaded this story! I can't believe it's been that long. I'm grateful to everyone who's been following the story closely and showing all kinds of love. I will forever appreciate y'all. That being said, prepare to get in your feelings. We've all been there before.
John was off on business again. In the meantime, you were left to tend to the house and unnamed dog while he was gone. And it fucking blows. Recalling the conversation the both of you had just before he left made you feel incredibly anxious for him to come back.
"There's a job." John plainly stated as he stepped out of the walk in closet in his bedroom with more articles of clothing.
"Again? They don't let you take time off?" You groaned, sliding from your comfortable place in the bed.
He was moving around the bedroom packing clothes and other 'concealed' items into designated suitcases that would eventually be loaded into his car. At the same time, you were following behind him like a lost puppy.
"It doesn't work like that." He answers back, calm and even.
You crossed your arms over your chest, too stubborn to accept just the circumstances. "They can't be paying you that much. What's the offer?"
"One million."
"You know what, maybe you should go."
John's head turns just before you can catch a glimpse of the rare smile that crosses his regularly impassive features. "Maybe I should." The dry sense of humor never ceased to amuse you.
John sees the disappointment painted on your face at having to see him leave. A warm hand reaches out to take a hold of your chin - tilting your face up to his perspicacious view. The eloquence in which he did it is downright scary. His touch is tender and resolute in its intention and your body's natural response is to melt into the solicitous exchange. God, why did he have to do this to you right before he left? It was as if he wanted you to yearn for him while he was gone. The joke is on him because you were planning on doing that anyway.
Intense brown orbs zero in on your plump, pouting lips before he leans down and captures them with a soft embrace. Giving the inside of your mouth one sweep of his tongue before ultimately pulling away. You couldn't control the shiver that went through your body at that precise moment as pleading hazel stared up at him.
The moment is incredibly intimate and strangely reassuring nonetheless.
Days are passing just the same as hours. The man had been gone a little over two weeks with minimal contact. In actuality, the hitman had been gone longer than that before but that still didn't trump the anxiety in your chest. Usually, he'd at least send a text or call. But you were left disappointed when neither came to your phone. You hoped everything was okay.
You suspected that call from the other day had something to do with him taking a job. You wondered how that whole process worked - how the assassin world worked and surmised that it was probably pretty complicated. The life of a professional killer had to be a dangerous and complex profession. Did the assassins get paid upfront? How long had John been in the game? Years? Decades? Was espionage and assassinations like it was in the movies? You highly doubted it. The shit was totally different than a nine-to-five obviously. While you had no desire to stick your nose too far into his business where it didn't belong that didn't stop you from being a little curious. There was little to discuss about your lovers affinity for murder. You knew one thing - he was scary good at what he did. Regardless of how someone lives a certain lifestyle that constantly puts them at the forefront of harm, it's still concerning to others. Like you in this case.
Now you were barely getting by just watching random tv shows on Netflix and scrolling through social media. And both were starting to get old quick. The motivation to be productive was only there sometimes. Though your mind and body were not satisfied doing nothing and the sentiment was inescapable. That feeling of knowing you could be doing something but can't find it in yourself to do so. It was like the world came to a standstill when John wasn't around. Crazy to think about since time tended to swing by when you and him were together.
Grabbing the remote, you turned the television off, unable to pay it any real attention. You love John's house. You love it with everything in you that adores Architectural Digest magazines and house flipping shows on HGTV. But without another soul in the place aside from a dog, it felt empty and desolate. You couldn't be in this big ass house alone for that long.
You didn't have a job and you technically aren't required to attend college for the remainder of the semester. There weren't as many everyday nuisances to keep you distracted. The ending result - you were bored as fuck and you have no entertaining ideas on how to occupy the time. And this was the most free time you'd ever had. You realized that you should've been more appreciative of both.
The lyric, "Ion work jobs, bitch I am a job." had been playing in your brain for days now and you blamed Alexis for planting the seed.
In the midst of all of this, you were trying to come to a head about your realization of being head over heels for the hired gun. You wondered how he would take it if you flat out confessed to him. Truth be told, if you were out of line for feeling this way then he was just out of line for overindulging you to the point of being spoiled. To be in love with a world-class assassin. Who would've thought. How would this even work when the entire relationship hinged on secrecy. Meaning that no one was really supposed to know about them. It was bad enough that Jasmine and Alexis knew about him. At the time, you hadn't considered the drawbacks of telling them about him. Never once had you considered that them having knowledge of his existence might put them in peril. A moment of stupidity was all you could call it.
Their secret relationship was exciting and much more different than anything you've ever experienced. Everyday you were faced with the challenge of keeping the truth of it hidden from others. Though, it's not the two of you are sneaking around or going completely out of your way for people not to find out. The increased familiarity wasn't expected though and it served a specific purpose for the both of you. You didn't decide to tell you friends about John til at least a whole month went by - even then, you were sparse in detail. Eventually, pivoting on the usual relationship dynamic between a twenty-three year old woman and a seasoned hitman.
In spite of everything, you were attached to the man before you even knew his name and maybe that's why everything was so complicated. How would he feel if you told him? Would the man be comfortable with it? He felt comfortable enough not to use any protection and cum inside of you then he should feel comfortable about you confessing your feelings. Both of those were two separate things with very different implications but still...
Love is a complicated thing to both accept and process. This wasn't sheer infatuation you felt, perhaps it was in the beginning but what you felt now definitely could be categorized as something more intense. You already deduced that your feelings for John went far beyond just sexual a long time ago. That would explain the butterflies that fluttered in your belly whenever he looked your way. Your stomach overturning when he spoke to you in that firm but kind voice. The way you couldn't resist his cryptic lure. All the signs were there and they couldn't be missed.
In another vein, Sweetface and you were bonding quite nicely, spending more time together since John was gone. Like his owner, the pit bull placed trust in you fairly quickly and you weren't mad about it. He follows you all around the house while you do normal everyday tasks, rubbing himself against your legs with affection. Almost like your head rubs were the best thing in the world. So far he anticipated playtime the most often incited it by sitting his chew toy at your feet. You'd even taken it upon yourself to go to a pet store and purchase new toys to play with and bows for him to wear around his neck. You feel like a real deep connection was established.
You stood up from the couch and walked down the long corridor, closing all the random slightly ajar doors along the way while the dog followed closely behind. The wind outside was whirling, loud and distinct enough for you to hear it. You're thinking it might rain today. A walkthrough of the house had become normal, since you just couldn't get over how breathtaking it was. Each room was different from the next in design. A small crucifix hung on almost every room of the house. You don't know why you find that interesting but you do. John didn't seem like an overly religious man. There was one room in particular that you didn't dare venture into and that was the basement. Whatever was down there would remain untouched by your hands and unseen by your eyes, particularly since you couldn't build up the courage to descend the stairs to explore.
Being left in the home all alone bored opened the opportunity to explore certain parts of it you hadn't seen yet. Although you admit that you probably shouldn't be invading his privacy like this. You were still grappling with there being another secret world co-existing with the modern world and frankly you didn't really know how to feel about it. Your feelings could be described as slightly concerned but simultaneously vibing. In the back of your mind, you already suspected it after watching the Matrix movies for the first time. Now that you think about it, John strongly resembled the main character. You'd have to tell him about it when he returned.
The days are moving by slowly. You were feeling particularly well the first week; so well that you'd been taking on-call errands for your parents. Given the circumstances, you didn't mind ripping and running around for them for the time being, it's not like you had anything else to do. Today was only Thursday. The moment your car pulled into their driveway, you'd been bombarded with questions of when you'd bought a car and how could you afford one so nice. To add insult to injury, you struggled to come up with a good lie on the spot. Citing the old, "I've been saving up." for good measure. The only problem with that was your mother quickly poking holes in the explanation, saying that you ran through too much money to save past fifty dollars. You were offended until you realized that she was totally right.
Instead, your mother does this thing with her lips and eyebrow that lets you know you're not off the hook just yet. She was far from done when it came to the issue of this new car. It sparked a bit of anxiety in you. While your father is more fascinated by the car to question how it came into your possession. He looks it over while uttering low approving comments about the car's structure. Sadly, you don't know jack-shit about cars so you have nothing to add. There was no way in hell you could tell them who and where it actually came from. Your mother had been urging you to look for a job while your father was just content to have you around their house more.
Having your own car was weird. The audi drove so smooth it was like you were gliding on air. Not only that but you'd already taken to hanging cute little accessories from the rear view mirror. One thing you didn't like was having to spend money on gas though. The shit was too expensive for you.
You'd officially gotten your driver's license in the eleventh grade having passed the written exam with flying colors - it was the actual driving that needed a little improvement. You refused to believe that you were as bad of a driver as people made it out to be. For some reason when it was time to teach you to drive, your mother got into dramatics and acted as if you would wreck every time you got behind the wheel. You couldn't stand being nagged about making a right turn before you used a turn signal. Whilst your father was pretty calm about it. Turns out you absorb more information when you're not being lectured and yelled at.
During set periods throughout the passing days, you return to John's house to feed and let the dog outside to handle his bathroom business. To save yourself the hassle and gas money, you would rather take him with you but without John's express permission that idea was off the table completely. You could not be held responsible if something ended up happening to the dog. You acted like you didn't notice the neighbors son giving you the eyes every time you pulled into your parents driveway. The guy was cute and all but you weren't interested. For as smart as you are, dealing with men wasn't one of your strong suits.
Still, having your own means of transportation felt entirely too good. The group chat burst into flames the moment you let the cat out of the bag. At first, you expressed your apprehension about him getting the car and expected them to sympathize and agree. To your surprise, they did quite the opposite.
"I mean, let's be honest. Y'all have been messing with each other for a good minute now. Plus you've been giving him some spectacular cat. What's wrong with him getting you a car?" - Jasmine.
"I'm with Jasmine. I'm still tryna find the issue here. We all know that you would still be using them feet to get around like a Flintstone without the car so…" - Alexis
"Bitch, I will hit you on the snout with a rolled up piece of newspaper." - You
"I'm just saying! Why are you complaining about him wanting to give you shit? I'd already have three houses in my name with a Ferrari." Alexis.
"A man can't do anything but accessorize me because I come built already and I'm not talking about material things." - You.
"I know that's right!" - Jasmine
"Oh please. I don't care what you say. Everybody likes an even exchange." Alexis
The conversation quickly shifted into another topic. Halloween was closing in fast and your friends had plans of dressing up and going out. Contrary to popular belief, you weren't a party every night type of girl. In addition to that, you feared that your kidney faced the treat of collapsing if you even touched another drink too soon. At the very most, your body needed time to recover from the last alcohol binge.
You found yourself looking for other things to preoccupy your time. There was a new bookstore close to the boutique where Alexis worked that you'd been dying to blow all the money John had given you. You already spent a good chunk of money online shopping. The majority of which went towards SavageXFenty products. The cute lingerie had sat in your saved shopping cart for too long. On top of that, you also purchased some new clothes from FashionNova. Not only that but you bought a few lovely babydoll dresses from the boutique where Alexis worked that you probably wouldn't get to wear until spring.
You spent an inordinate amount of time scrolling through zillow looking at houses you couldn't afford before your scheduled appointment at your regular spa. The owner Kelly, is super sweet and often gave you a discount due to you being one of her regular clients. The shop opened about three years ago. You were used to the smell of lavender and aloe-infused water that it gave you a zen-like mindset. Honestly, you loved all the candles, oils, incense, and cream. You maintained awkward conversation with your wax lady like always. You'd gotten more comfortable speaking over time. It felt weird to talk to someone while they were staring directly on your butthole. Still, you were a sport about it.
Once you left the spa, you drove down the street passing a bookstore along the way. Your gaze lingered way too long before passing by it. Evidenced by the fact that you were a totally bibliophile who loved reading and collecting books. Another book was needed to sit on your nightstand. Your grandmother used to read children's books to you before you could walk; in time, a genuine love for books had developed. Too bad you'd severely fallen off from reading since middle school. Back then, you could read an entire five-hundred page book in nearly a day but now there was no such luck. Life had a way of changing things whether they were good or bad and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could do about it.
The thought of taking down your box braids had been on your mind for a while. You could really do for some long curly bundles. In fact, you bought a wig and some hair from a sketchy looking website Alexis recommended two days ago and now you were waiting eagerly for them to arrive in the mail. The minute you press 'submit payment', you expect your packages at your front door immediately. You put off taking down your hair for a minute mostly because your natural hair should be classified as a sport. You needed your entire day free if you planned to also wash and style it the same day.
Your mother was moving about the kitchen gleefully humming her favorite song and the aroma of food wafting throughout the house had your mouth watering. You briefly entertained the thought of sneaking in the kitchen when the coast was clear. Without a shadow of doubt, your mother would wring your neck if she caught you sneaking before it finished cooking. Better not to make an attempt at all. The tv was showing a marathon of Law and Order: SVU as expected for a Thursday evening. And you didn't have the heart to get up and change the channel, eager to find out who shot a politician in broad daylight.
You laughed at your phone watching a girl from your hometown on Facebook live going off on her baby daddy. It always started the same, "Ion usually do this Facebook shit but…"
The only reason you hung around lounging on your parents living room couch was because you knew that your mother would be cooking today. In all honesty, you craved some mac and cheese and yams bad but you knew you probably wouldn't get that until Thanksgiving. A few of your father's old head friends stopped by the house and they all started playing cards loud as hell on the patio area in the backyard. There was just something about card games and old folks, you would never understand until you started growing your own grey hairs. The patio was right next to the kitchen separated by sliding glass doors. They were obnoxious enough that your mother had to yell at them to be quiet before they made her cake fall in the oven. You'd be lying if you said you were not of sound mind with her, you wanted that cake to remain intact just as much as she did. The first slice of that caramel cake would go to you - your mind was set.
Despite this, John was still on your mind heavy and right now, you felt very much like an expectant housewife waiting for her husband to come home from work. The longer you waited the more anxious you got.
The thought about slipping your headphones in had crossed your mind as few times. Anything would be better than listening to your parents bicker over nothing. You were not in the mood to deal with it. Although watching your parents interact over the years made you realize a couple of important things. The main one being that someone who truly wants you will make you feel wanted.
Jasmine calls out of boredom to tell you that she's skipped out on work for the second day in a row. And you tell her that she needs to take her ass to work before they fire her.
"Eh, I don't really feel like it." She shoots back, sounding exactly like SpongeBob.
"Alright, don't say nothing when they fire yo ass." You laughed.
You stretch out on the living room sofa, shifting the blanket to cover your sock covered toes. This has been your favored place at there house, eating all of their snacks from the kitchen.
Cleaning is actually therapeutic when you're not forced to do it. You remember all those mornings where your mother blasted church music and woke you up to help her clean the house on Saturdays.
"They can't fire me. They don't even have enough people in this hospital as it is. I put in too much overtime anyway."
A laugh can't even manifest before your head started pounding again and you were quick to end the call and run to the bathroom for medicine. Instead of the headache relief, you chose one two tablets packed with acetaminophen and antihistamine. Deciding that a nap would do you some good. After it resurfaced a couple of more times, you made a doctor's appointment to get it checked out. It was nearly time for your three month checkup anyway.
Practically collapsing on the bed in your old room, you wrap yourself into the comforter and drift off. When you wake up you discover that it's still light outside - that's a little disappointing that the medicine didn't actually do its job and keep you asleep longer. The first thing on your refreshed mind was going into the kitchen and fixing a plate of food that you knew for a fact had to be done by now. You retrieve your phone and discover that there's still no messages from your lover and the feeling or letdown is immediate. You muster up the energy to leave the comfort of your old bed and slip on your shoes. Grabbing your keys off the dresser, descending the stairs and out the front door quietly.
Where the idea came from, you didn't exactly know but it would sate your curiosity at the very least. Though in reality, the group had done some pop-ups before for Alexis and Jasmine. But never once for you. Mostly, because you thought you would never care enough about a man to want to pop-up unannounced to see where he was or catch him in the act of possibly doing something he wasn't supposed to. You were loose as a goose the night John brought you to the hotel so it was kind of hard to remember how to get there. Your memory was a little foggy in regards to that night.
A dusky skyline was settling over New York's metropolitan area. In truth, you had no business driving across the bridge for this shit. What were you trying to accomplish coming here? You were better than this. Much better. The thought continuously swirled around in your mind as you gripped the steering wheel. And yet...you felt compelled to do it. You needed some reassurance and answers; the hotel was the only place you thought he could be.
The hotel was located in lower Manhattan. Parking directly in front of the hotel would be too obvious, so you settled on a spot a little ways down the street where you could still view the front entrance without being seen. For nearly thirty minutes, you watched finely dressed people enter and exit the establishment. Either arriving or leaving in fantastic cars that showed just how deep their pocket truly was. This confirmed your earlier suspicions was the regular clientele that frequented the place.
Your intuition was always right on the mark, what made tonight any different? Owing to that fact, together or not - you were going to do some checking around. Would John consider this violation of his trust? Probably. But you couldn't find it in yourself to care right now.
A dark speck came into your peripheral and you looked up to see John calmly descending the stairs with bags over his broad shoulders. The valet already had his mustang pulled up front and he moved to start loading the bags into his trunk. Your heart beat loudly in your chest cavity. The man was the raw essence of subtle danger wrapped in a polished suit, looking devastatingly handsome as usual. You barely had time to wonder about how many stylish tailored suits he owned until something peculiar caught your eye.
Serendipitously, a buoyant looking Perkins was just behind him carrying her own luggage. That instantly made you pause. This made you sit up in the driver's seat. She was wearing dark sunglasses but you could tell it was her.
"...this bitch." You muttered.
This woman - this bitch had received all your allotted ire from the first meeting. Perkins stood close to John, a look of exaltation in her eyes that disgusted you the moment you noticed it. The sight of her rubbed you the wrong way along with that raggedy ass black fur across her shoulders. Reigning yourself in was already proving to be a hard endeavor. For all you know, the encounter could be completely innocent but going by the women's mannerism and facial expressions enough doubt was present. While the corners of her mouth were turned upward, John's usual deadpan countenance was squarely in place and that gave you some hope.
You might be tripping but you were pre-tee fucking sure that you'd expressed to John how much you didn't like the woman. That alone should've been enough for him but to have any contact with her. As John spoke, she nodded in agreement and jealousy burned hotly in your chest. Growing agitation furled in your stomach. So they did have history together. The truth lies bare and ugly - still it wasn't all that easy to process. Just what the fuck were they talking about? You couldn't hear the conversation - only able to perceive visual cues and make assumptions from there.
Call it what you want but you knew in your heart that you weren't overreacting in the slightest. Their interaction just didn't look right and you were trying to stay calm but it didn't seem to be working. There's a difference in being friendly and being flirty. They were standing to close together for one and that was classified as overly friendly in your book. The exchange shouldn't be happening in the first place. You were nearly at your wits end when she leaned close in and whispered something into his ear. Your hand gripped the steering wheel until it hurt, fighting the urge to press on the gas and run them both over. But that little voice in your head decided that reacting impulsively would be the wrong course of action. Doing that would lead to far worse consequences on both ends down the line and you couldn't afford that. What you did next depended on you entirely.
To see the pair conversing together, talking so friendly incited something in you. Something that you'd never felt before. The feeling was coming over you in devastating waves. You wouldn't have all this tension towards her if she wasn't such a bitch to you first the two of you met. Like the irrational traitor it was, your mind started throwing out scenarios left and right. Was she the person on the other end of the phone that night? Was that the reason why he didn't say a word before he hung up and turned the phone off completely. At the very least, you were prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt only for that to go out the window seconds later. Potential good never lasts long.
Unfortunately, acute sadness was quick to overcome the anger. The betrayal. The lies. The audacity.
Your heart constricted painfully in your chest at the sight, the swift heartbreak could be felt deep in the pits of your stomach. The dull ache that took your breath away the moment it became known. You needed to get out of here before you were seen. He couldn't know that you were here watching.
If your destination was John's house then he'd probably beat you there knowing how he drove. But you would be a damn fool if you went back to that house after what you just witnessed. It wasn't possible. Right now, you were thinking of pulling an Angela Bassett and going back to set fire to his house altogether but you liked the house too fucking much. Instead, you did the dash back to your parents house, moving in a kind of blind stupor.
Note to You by Mariah The Scientist played at low volume through the radio.
Why you never call me? Fuck it.
Please don't ever call me.
You left me for a bitch in the city of the palm trees.
I never knew that it would haunt me.
How am I your favorite girl in the world, but you fronted on me soon as you knew I was recording.
You know I used to love you. Maybe I still do, but I put you in my rearview.
Cuz I could never trust you.
That's fundamental, but baby that's what fear do to you.
I hope it was worth it.
The lyrics made your chest ache even worse.
Should you even be in your feelings right now? The answer was an easy hell yeah.
Your heart was fully invested into whatever the both of you had going. Just two weeks after acknowledging your feelings for the man and now they were hurt. When your life started to become idyllic, a monkey wrench was quickly thrown into the equation and messed everything up. Maybe this was the universe telling you to calm the fuck down. Well, now the universe didn't have to worry about you making the same mistake twice. Every time you think about it, your heart squeezed tightly. You had to look at it from a logical perspective. Both of you were not exclusive; meaning you both were free to do whatever. Considering that you were just at his house cooking dinner not long ago, the nature of that closeness could be called into question.
You don't even hear the car door shut. Don't even register yourself going back up the stairs. It wasn't until you slid back into the bed that your focus fully returned. The ceiling looked like it was further away than it actually was but it couldn't provide you a distraction from your overthinking state of mind.
You couldn't run the risk of losing yourself each time something went wrong in your life. That's why it was so important to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions. Though trying to act like you weren't phased didn't make it any less excruciating. Catching your lover outside of a hotel with someone else was bound to hurt.
You hate feeling like this. You wish you didn't care. What was all of that before then? The affection. The sweet foreign nothings he whispered in your ear during intimacy. Might it be possible that your feelings were one-sided this entire time? Suddenly, you feel the urge to laugh hysterically but you don't.
Reality sets in. The disillusionment was starting to wear off and now you were becoming more critical. John had never given you reason to doubt him but after what you witnessed, you were starting to question things. Rather than ask him about it, you made the choice to evade him. It was the natural thing to do. When you got upset or angry - disappearing was your way of handling the issue. There wasn't shit that needed to be discussed.
Your mind was in two different places. Now you wished you hadn't taken that medicine and slept part of the day away because now you'd lie awake. Thinking. Aching.
Okay, I know how y'all are feeling right now and I give you full permission to eat me up in the reviews but I had to do this. Shit is about to get very messy - like y'all even understand. I already have Chapters 11 and 12 mapped out. That's how crazy it is, just bear with me.
