"It's a dumb and crummy zoo,"
Said old Harold HicFrew,
"And that little kid Gerald
Seems proud of it, too."
"But if I ran the zoo,"
Said old Harold HicFrew,
"I'd make a few changes.
That's just what I'll do.
The creatures in there
Are so different and ugly.
They're way too different.
I don't like them. They're fugly!
They're not like the ones
In just any old zoo.
I'll kill every one of them.
That's just what I'll do.
The ten-footed lion's
Too much of a beast.
A regular lion should
Have four feet at least!
So I'll pick up a gun.
And I'll shoot off each leg.
And the lion (the ten-foot lion)
Will collapse like an egg.
He'll die. And he'll just
Lie there on the ground
With blood and even
More blood all around.
But that's just the start.
I'd do better than that.
The next one I'll kill
Is an elephant cat.
Now, elephants aren't hairy.
They would all look like goffs.
And cats don't have trunks!
I'll shoot his head off.
I'll carry a knife
And go kill a hen
With one hen on top of
Another, and then,
I'll cut each hen off
The other, one by one.
I'll have them for Thanksgiving.
And when that is done…
I'll sneak behind the Skeegle
And stab You-Know-What!
I'll send his big
Furry fur to a hut
Where they turn into
Jackets and socks and fur hats.
You'd like to have one?
It's rare… and that's a fact!
The Bustard eats custard
With sauce made of mustard.
The Flustard eats mustard
With sauce made of custard.
But I'll switch the mustard
With the custard. And why?
Because when the Blustard eats mustard
With sauce made of custard
And the Flustard eats custard
With sauce made of mustard,
They'll die!
I'll use a bazooka
And I'll blow up a Joat.
He'll fall down to pieces.
He'd make a great coat.
And then I'll go throw
A hot dog with a whiff
And trick a family of Lunks
Down a cliff.
They'll fall for the trick.
They'll take a big leap.
They'll fall. Oh, they'll fall.
Then they'll crush in a heap.
I'll kill them all fat.
I'll kill them all scrawny.
I'll murder the straggle-foot Mulligatawny,
A high-stepping animal fast as the wind
From the blistering winds of the Desert of Zind.
A Mulligatawny
Is what I can't stand.
And so is a chieftain.
I'll cut off his hands.
There is a strange creature
By the name of Iota
A very fine creature
From south North Dakota.
He has wild looking hair…
And freaky eyes, too!
I'll give him a stab
In the dark. That will do.
A tizzle-topped Tufted
Mazurka (Oh, heck!)
Is a kind of canary
With a very tall neck.
I'll chop that neck off.
Then that neck will fall.
And that will be the end of him!
Ha! Ha! That is all!
I'll murder a beetle
Who's very surprising:
A feller who has
A propeller for rising.
It's difficult to catch him
As he flies through and through.
But it's not that hard.
I'll just squish him with my shoe.
There's a Natch with an appetite
Fit for his taste;
Three chicken croquettes made of library paste,
Then sprinkled with pickle shucks, pickled and iced,
Then baked at 600 degrees, and then iced.
The Natch usually eats this
Grand meal every day.
There's no way
He can throw it away.
But I'll throw it away
With a substitute feast
With seasoning so toxic
And a taste that's so least.
I will take it to the Natch
Who's waiting to be fed.
I'll watch him eat it.
And then… Oock! He's dead.
I'll gear up on my
Army coat and my Ma-Gunnus
And mass-shoot a flock of Bippo-no-Bungus!
The Bippo-no-Bungus are quite
Such dumb dupes.
The Bungus will be good for
My Bungus soups.
I'll murder an It-Kuch,
A Preep, a Proo,
A Nerkle, a Nerd,
And a Seersucker, too!
And then, I'll murder
The biggest of all:
I'll murder
The Fizza-ma-Wizza-ma-Dill.
I'll put bombs on its back.
Then I'll light up the fuse.
And the thing will BLOW UP!
3… 2… 1… KABLOOSE!
When the killing is done,
I'll start over again.
I will open each cage
And let the old animals in.
When the people arrive
They'll get angry and pissed.
They'll see my "new" zoo and yell,
"What the hell is all THIS?!
You call this McGrew Zoo!?
It's awfully old fashioned!
It's just lions and tigers.
It's boring and rationed.
There's nothing exciting!
It's just any old zoo.
We expected new creatures.
But you fooled us! BOO!
Some zookeeper you are,
Old Harold McFrew.
That does it. We are leaving.
And we want REFUNDS too!!!"
Then they'll fuss and they'll boo
And they'll throw stuff at me.
And they'll all walk away.
But I won't mind. Nope. Not me!
For the next day, I'll raze down
The whole zoo and tent
And replace it with – you guessed it –
A giant Thneed plant:
A plant where we make Thneeds
And more and MORE Thneeds
That everyone, EVERYONE,
EVERYONE needs!
Yes. That's what I'll do,"
Said old Harold HicFrew.
"I'd make a few changes
If I ran the zoo."
