"It's a dumb and crummy zoo,"

Said old Harold HicFrew,

"And that little kid Gerald

Seems proud of it, too."

"But if I ran the zoo,"

Said old Harold HicFrew,

"I'd make a few changes.

That's just what I'll do.

The creatures in there

Are so different and ugly.

They're way too different.

I don't like them. They're fugly!

They're not like the ones

In just any old zoo.

I'll kill every one of them.

That's just what I'll do.

The ten-footed lion's

Too much of a beast.

A regular lion should

Have four feet at least!

So I'll pick up a gun.

And I'll shoot off each leg.

And the lion (the ten-foot lion)

Will collapse like an egg.

He'll die. And he'll just

Lie there on the ground

With blood and even

More blood all around.

But that's just the start.

I'd do better than that.

The next one I'll kill

Is an elephant cat.

Now, elephants aren't hairy.

They would all look like goffs.

And cats don't have trunks!

I'll shoot his head off.

I'll carry a knife

And go kill a hen

With one hen on top of

Another, and then,

I'll cut each hen off

The other, one by one.

I'll have them for Thanksgiving.

And when that is done…

I'll sneak behind the Skeegle

And stab You-Know-What!

I'll send his big

Furry fur to a hut

Where they turn into

Jackets and socks and fur hats.

You'd like to have one?

It's rare… and that's a fact!

The Bustard eats custard

With sauce made of mustard.

The Flustard eats mustard

With sauce made of custard.

But I'll switch the mustard

With the custard. And why?

Because when the Blustard eats mustard

With sauce made of custard

And the Flustard eats custard

With sauce made of mustard,

They'll die!

I'll use a bazooka

And I'll blow up a Joat.

He'll fall down to pieces.

He'd make a great coat.

And then I'll go throw

A hot dog with a whiff

And trick a family of Lunks

Down a cliff.

They'll fall for the trick.

They'll take a big leap.

They'll fall. Oh, they'll fall.

Then they'll crush in a heap.

I'll kill them all fat.

I'll kill them all scrawny.

I'll murder the straggle-foot Mulligatawny,

A high-stepping animal fast as the wind

From the blistering winds of the Desert of Zind.

A Mulligatawny

Is what I can't stand.

And so is a chieftain.

I'll cut off his hands.

There is a strange creature

By the name of Iota

A very fine creature

From south North Dakota.

He has wild looking hair…

And freaky eyes, too!

I'll give him a stab

In the dark. That will do.

A tizzle-topped Tufted

Mazurka (Oh, heck!)

Is a kind of canary

With a very tall neck.

I'll chop that neck off.

Then that neck will fall.

And that will be the end of him!

Ha! Ha! That is all!

I'll murder a beetle

Who's very surprising:

A feller who has

A propeller for rising.

It's difficult to catch him

As he flies through and through.

But it's not that hard.

I'll just squish him with my shoe.

There's a Natch with an appetite

Fit for his taste;

Three chicken croquettes made of library paste,

Then sprinkled with pickle shucks, pickled and iced,

Then baked at 600 degrees, and then iced.

The Natch usually eats this

Grand meal every day.

There's no way

He can throw it away.

But I'll throw it away

With a substitute feast

With seasoning so toxic

And a taste that's so least.

I will take it to the Natch

Who's waiting to be fed.

I'll watch him eat it.

And then… Oock! He's dead.

I'll gear up on my

Army coat and my Ma-Gunnus

And mass-shoot a flock of Bippo-no-Bungus!

The Bippo-no-Bungus are quite

Such dumb dupes.

The Bungus will be good for

My Bungus soups.

I'll murder an It-Kuch,

A Preep, a Proo,

A Nerkle, a Nerd,

And a Seersucker, too!

And then, I'll murder

The biggest of all:

I'll murder

The Fizza-ma-Wizza-ma-Dill.

I'll put bombs on its back.

Then I'll light up the fuse.

And the thing will BLOW UP!

3… 2… 1… KABLOOSE!

When the killing is done,

I'll start over again.

I will open each cage

And let the old animals in.

When the people arrive

They'll get angry and pissed.

They'll see my "new" zoo and yell,

"What the hell is all THIS?!

You call this McGrew Zoo!?

It's awfully old fashioned!

It's just lions and tigers.

It's boring and rationed.

There's nothing exciting!

It's just any old zoo.

We expected new creatures.

But you fooled us! BOO!

Some zookeeper you are,

Old Harold McFrew.

That does it. We are leaving.

And we want REFUNDS too!!!"

Then they'll fuss and they'll boo

And they'll throw stuff at me.

And they'll all walk away.

But I won't mind. Nope. Not me!

For the next day, I'll raze down

The whole zoo and tent

And replace it with – you guessed it –

A giant Thneed plant:

A plant where we make Thneeds

And more and MORE Thneeds

That everyone, EVERYONE,

EVERYONE needs!

Yes. That's what I'll do,"

Said old Harold HicFrew.

"I'd make a few changes

If I ran the zoo."