WordGirl: Dr. Two-Brains and the Problem of the Secret Identity

Two-Brains sat at his desk, staring intently at his own two feet.

Becky Botsford is WordGirl, he thought for the fiftieth time.

It had been less than twenty minutes since he had figured it out using his listening device. From there, it had been a simple matter of pinpointing the location on his map and looking up the address in the telephone book.

Becky Botsford is WordGirl, he thought again.

He knew her secret identity.

HIM. HE had been the one to figure it out.

Becky Botsford is WordGirl. That means that WordGirl…is MINE.

The first thing Two-Brains had done after discovering the secret was look up Becky Botsford, or at least as much as he could. He had borrowed a collection of newspapers labeled 'Botsford' from the city's records and started reading up.

What a history. Then again, all of these people aren't REALLY related to WordGirl. Let's skip ahead to the present day…

Becky's mother was the famous one, being the city's DA. Becky herself was only mentioned as the winner of a few annual word-defining contests (ha, thought Two-Brains), but besides that, there was nothing all that notable to be found. It didn't take a two-brained genius to assume Becky Botsford went to the local elementary school, but Two-Brains had no yearbook to look through, nor did he have the ability to acquire one since they were only available to students and faculty.

Maybe that Tobey kid has one. Ugh, no, if I ask him for the yearbook then he'll want to know why.

And even then, what would he find in the yearbook? A picture? Yeah, big help, he already knew what WordGirl looked like. Maybe she's in a few clubs? So what.

Pictures of her and her friends…?

Wait, what would he do with that?

Two-Brains suddenly sat up, legs dropping to the floor as he started to pace around the room.

Wait a moment…I know where she lives. I know who her mother is, and I can find out about her other family members just as easily.

What do I DO with this information?

When he had first figured out her identity, he had thought of it as nothing more than a moment of brief triumph. HA! WordGirl has a secret and I know it! She's going to be so mad! I can't wait to mock her and how careless she was!

No, that seemed like a complete waste of this precious gift.

What do I do? thought Two-Brains again.

Two-Brains imagined himself picking up the phone and calling WordGirl.

"Hello WordGirl," he says the moment she puts the phone to her ear.

And then she freezes, shocked at the sound of his voice and the realization that he was somehow calling her house, meaning he knew her secret identity and-

"-Oh, she would be PARALYZED with fear! She'll try and figure out how I figured it out, her mind will be racing and the whole time she'll be trying to figure out how to proceed. She'll deny it, of course-"

"-Who is this?" she'll ask, pretending not to know. "Sorry, I think you have the wrong number-"

"-Becky Botsford, daughter of DA Sally Botsford. Say…any chance you can put her on the phone for a moment? If not, that's okay, I'll call back later."

NOW she's scared, imagined Two-Brains. She can't talk her way out of this, because if she tries to, well, then he would just call her mother and tell her-

"-My mother isn't home right now," she'll lie. "Can I take a message?"

Hmm. A desperate bluff. Two-Brains thought for half a moment before proceeding.

Fine, go ahead, he said with a shrug. Your funeral.

"Yes, please, put her on-"

"-Okay," said Becky, without a moment's hesitation. Two-Brains was briefly taken aback.

What's going on? Why isn't she scared? I'm about to tell her mother her secret!

...Wait. What if she already knows?

If she did, then…well, it didn't matter one way or the other! If he couldn't blackmail WordGirl's identity to her mother, then he could INSTEAD blackmail her secret identity to the public! To the other villains!

"On second thought, never mind," said Two-Brains quickly. "I don't need to talk to her. Instead, why don't we talk about your little…secret."

"My secret?" asked Becky, again. "I don't know what you're talking about but-"

"-Stop lying, I KNOW you're WordGirl! I used my listening machine and I heard you talking to the monkey! And from now on, you're going to be doing EVERYTHING I say or else I'll send Mr. Big and Granny May your address!"

Now she's scared. She's imagining the villains showing up in the middle of the night! They surprise her while she's asleep and-

-Wait. They won't surprise her. She'll know that they're coming. She'll be ready for them.

She'd probably use some of her superhero tech to set up surveillance all around her house. That way she'd be able to keep an eye on it all day, even if she wasn't at home!

Two-Brains could picture it. Chuck the Evil Sandwich Making Guy pulls his ridiculous sandwich-themed car right up to the front curve, and before he can even get OUT of the car, WordGirl's already flown by and hurled him into the river, car and all. The same happens with Mr. Big and The Butcher, and they end up in the desert or the North Pole. This happens again and again until the message is made ABUNDANTLY clear; don't mess with WordGirl's house. It's not worth it.

All things considered, what can we ACTUALLY do to hurt her that we couldn't do already? Knowing her identity doesn't make her ANY less unbeatable.

No matter. Plan B.

If we can't target WordGirl, we instead target her friends and family.