It all started when the Koopa King decided to survey other planets. Maybe if colonizing the Mushroom Kingdom hadn't worked, he could set his sights on the stars.

Bowser was a monster known all around as the greatest threat in the land. He'd worked hard to build that reputation. His appearance definitely helped - he was a gigantic, muscular fire-breathing turtle with a spiked shell and horns that made him resemble some kind of dragon-hybrid, with yellow scales all over, except for those on his face, which were green. Sporting a red mane, matching eyebrows, big fangs and claws, and a spiked tail, as well as wearing spiked cuffs on his arms and neck, he inspired fear in all who laid eyes on him.

He was the proud leader of the Koopas, a race of turtles who raised hell in the Mushroom Kingdom time and time again. Many of his escapades revolved around trying to kidnap the beautiful Princess Peach, who ruled the kingdom proper with grace and dignity, but with a light touch. Meanwhile, his army was large, aggressive, and included many other species as well, all loyal to him, the big man atop the Koopa Kingdom's throne.

Despite this, Bowser had been feeling defeated for a long time, like his efforts were being wasted.

He never managed to succeed in his takeover endeavors, always being foiled in the end by that pesky plumber Mario. It was all part of the grand play that he was in, and he'd been cast as the villain. The antagonist could never truly win in these kinds of stories. Even if he did enjoy a momentary victory from time to time, it was always fleeting.

Bowser grew tired of the same formula after so much time. He needed something fresh. And so one evening, on a whim, he decided to leave everything behind, if only for a little while. He needed to see who he could be, separate from the roots that had always kept him grounded. Perhaps he could succeed in another context than the one in which he'd constantly faltered.

Ordering his crew off the airship that night, he'd ignored the protestations from his right-hand mage, Kamek, a Magikoopa whose skills were only dwarfed by his exasperation with the king under whom he served. Bowser was always chasing crazy ideas, and Kamek had made it his purpose to try to talk sense into the monarch.

But Bowser, the burly, bellowing beast, could not be tamed.

Not by anybody.

Waving goodbye to some soldiers who'd come to see their king off, Bowser steered the airship away into the night, leaving his magma-encircled grey fortress behind.

He'd made sure to arrange a sitter for his kid, Bowser Jr., who would be too preoccupied with video games and wreaking minor havoc to even notice his father's absence. Bowser had still made sure to give him a hug before leaving, even if it was ignored by his son, who had been fixated on the computer at the time.

With everything taken care of, it was nothing but the Koopa surrounded by a sea of stars.

Bowser was itching for something, and to him it seemed like he needed to conquer. If he could just succeed at a real task that mattered, like, say, taking over a planet, then maybe he'd stop feeling that vague longing that sometimes overtook his chest when he didn't have anything to distract himself with. The longing that he couldn't name, couldn't understand, and couldn't escape.

Bowser hadn't brought any of his troops with him on this trip. This turtle-dragon of the Koopa persuasion wanted to be a pioneer. No underlings to trip over, no Kamek to tell him everything he was doing was a mistake, just he, himself and the emptiness of outer space.

The vast galaxy surrounded him, and he calmly took in his surroundings. Space was often seen as nothing but pitch black, and while it did look like that in some places, it was hard to remember when Bowser was surrounded by colorful nebulae, the "sky" a picture of red, blue, and purple, a surreal, spectral fog which seemed to imply more than it let on. What secrets did the vast unknown hold?

He steered at the helm of his grand airship, a flying wooden boat with cannons and propellers, large in scale and frightening in offensive capabilities. It was enchanted well enough to be able to travel through space, but the Koopa didn't understand the finer details of its mechanics. He just liked riding it.

The ship had a cruise control feature, but Bowser enjoyed steering it, being in command. He liked to exert his influence on every possible thing, no matter how insignificant. That was just his way.

Where to, where to, thought the Koopa, sailing past planet after planet, like a buffet-goer would survey hot trays of beef tips, broccoli and rice. He was aimless, drifting through the heavens in search of what, truly? Even he wasn't certain.

After a long time, the bright, yellow, star-shaped planet came into view, and it caught his attention. He recognized it.

Pop Star.

A land of boundless green fields, marshmallow clouds, and forests teeming with life - even some of the trees were sentient.

Bowser thought back to his recent experiences in the fighting tournament of Super Smash Bros., an epic battleground featuring heroes and villains of universal repute. He'd missed out on the first competition, years ago, but had the honor of participating in the second event, titled "Melee".

He'd been on Pop Star arenas briefly, during those hazy days, but he'd never explored the planet proper.

And anyway, its denizens were so gentle and squishy, surely not a single one would challenge him in any regard.


LEATHER AND FEATHERS

When Kings Collide


CHAPTER 1

"Welcoming Committee"


Bowser landed his airship, the grass around it almost blowing over as it made its descent. As he touched down, he approached the bow of his craft, leaning over to see the lands before him.

For miles there were nothing but dreamy fields with rolling hills, the sky a soft blue in the horizon, a baby blue that felt innocent and playful, peppered with light clouds. The blades of light green grass swayed peacefully, dandelion seeds floating in the gentle air.

Farther away, he could spot a castle of some kind. Perhaps that could be his first conquest. It was perched atop a hill, with yellowish-beige brick giving it a lighter look than the fort in which Bowser resided. Two openings above the entrance formed angry eyes, making the front doors resemble a mouth.

How adorable, Bowser thought. It's like baby's first demon castle.

Beneath the hill, he saw a small town nestled under its guard, containing many stucco houses and shops with orange roofs, looking very quaint, with little puffs of smoke emerging lazily from some chimneys.

Still farther along the horizon, he saw glimpses of a thick forest, and in another direction, a distant beach.

Idyllic…

Bowser paused.

Too bad I don't do idyllic. This should be a piece of cake. Can't wait to see how it all looks in flames!

Though a part of him resisted that last bit, almost as if it would be a waste to torch such natural beauty. Mindless destruction wasn't really his thing. He preferred mindful carnage instead.

The Koopa walked down the ramp onto a small, open, hilly area, with a few apple trees and a dirt road that led toward the castle. He glanced around, wondering if anyone had seen him arrive.

To Bowser's surprise, almost immediately he was surrounded.

They were a group of orange, small creatures with cream-colored faces and stubby arms and legs. They were pointing spears at him.

They'd snuck around the sides of the ship to gang up on the Koopa, with quiet little footsteps and the advantage of being well below his eye level.

"Oh no! I'm outnumbered! I shouldn'tve come by myself, now I'm in biiiiiiiiig trouble," Bowser said with a condescending drama. "What are you little guys anyway? Marshmallow people? Now I'm craving s'mores."

He could have taken them all on and won without even breaking a sweat, but something in their overwhelming cuteness prevented Bowser from wanting to hurt them.

What the hell… C'mon, dude! Lift your claws, breathe your fire, get a grip! I, the big, bad Bowser, can't bring myself to attack my enemies!? I'm gettin' too soft, he reflected. What's wrong with me?

He decided he just wasn't in the mood yet. Too easy, Bowser thought. I'll wait till I'm in their stronghold, and take on their ruler. I do prefer a fair fight.

They didn't respond to his comments, but merely started leading him toward the village nearby, through which the path snaked on its way toward the fortress's climb.

The villagers, a motley crew of weird and cutesy-looking creatures, all stared at him as he was forcibly led toward the castle road. It was all rather embarrassing. There were a lot more of those small orange guys, some of whom had only one eye. There were little gorillas, walruses with patchy overalls, and short, big-haired humanesque martial artists, among other species.

The tiny soldiers made their way out of the town and up the hill, leading the Koopa along with them. Bowser huffed. "You folks must have glutes of steel by the time ya retire, if this is your daily commute…" He paused. "A glute commute."

Nobody laughed; their carrot-colored cheeks simply clapped in the wind as they guided the monster up toward the castle entrance.

The peaceful citadel loomed over the Koopa, as if presenting an unspoken provocation.

Bring it on.


The large wooden doors creaked open, as multiple of the creatures broke rank to help push them. He felt a sharp spear stab at his rump and yelped. "Oy! Watch where yer pointin' yer lil' stick! I know howta walk!"

Stepping indoors into a soft red carpet, blue torches at the entrance lighting his rugged features, the turtle looked around. It was a modest castle, not nearly as extravagant as the one that Bowser lived in, but homey and inviting.

The brickwork was simplistic, but cozy. There were some paintings on the walls, many of which were in the Impressionist style. Lots of landscapes and nature scenes. There were many elegant, dark oak tables as well, topped with baubles, candlesticks and the like.

The walls were lined with torches, all of which were standard red except for those that hung at the entryway. There were a few corridors leading off in different directions, and he wondered what he would find once he'd taken over and was free to wander. I dunno 'bout this place. I can tell it's got good bones, he thought. But I don't wanna spend ages remodeling. I'd definitely have to replace the paintings, even if they have a certain charm… and it's entirely too bright in here – not at all suitable fer a mancave.

The halls were airy, with daylight streaming through the windows, illuminating plenty of decorations. It was generally the exact opposite of what Bowser's keep looked like.

They led Bowser further into the castle, deep through its many hallways, passing numerous fountains and flower arrangements, as well as statues of what looked like some kind of fat, round bird. He looked at them curiously. What the heck IS this place?

The Koopa's question was finally answered when he was led into the throne room, a large chamber with two fountains in the back, large open windows, flowing drapery, and here and there an understated tapestry or vase.

"Welcome to Castle Dedede."

The voice came from the throne, upon which reclined the same bird the statues mimicked.

His feathers were blue, and he was draped in a flowing red robe and hat, with a cocky grin on his beak. Under the open robe, which had white fluff running from the collar all the way down the zipper area and along the bottom of the garment, he wore a patterned sash.

The plump penguin was leaning on his side in the throne, feet hanging over the armrest, holding his head in his palm. Two of the little orange soldiers flanked him on either side, fanning their ruler with big leaves and feeding him grapes. Despite his arrogant posturing, he had a kind face and deep blue eyes, which to Bowser made him appear gentle and sensitive, the perfect target for the Koopa's aggression.

Not too sure I wanna fight him outright, though. Looks like a weakling.

"Fergive the Waddle Dees, they can be a little poke-happy," the bird said, a smugness in his tone.

So that's what the lil' fellas'r called. How… cute.

"Yeah, I noticed," Bowser grumbled. "So what, yer name's Dedede, then?"

"King Dedede," he corrected haughtily. "Supreme monarch of Dream Land. And… you are?"

Your worst nightmare.

The turtle gave him a steely glare, and mimicked the penguin's arrogance. "Bowser. King Bowser of the Koopas. I've traveled a long way from a distant star where the Koopa Kingdom resides."

Dedede's big blue eyes widened, his tone softening ever so slightly. "Oh, a foreign king? I feel so rude now. Guards, desist."

The Waddle Dees cautiously lowered their weapons.

"Nice, unified movements," Bowser said, eyeing them with some admiration. "My troops all have two left feet."

The blue bird smirked, looking at his new guest with curiosity. "So what brings ya here, King Koopa?"

The Koopa groaned. "Please. All the formality is makin' my scales crawl. Let's cut a deal - you're Dedede, an' I'm Bowser."

The penguin king was quiet for a moment. Then he let out a laugh. "Very well. So, Bowser, what brought you to my neck of the woods?"

Bowser shrugged. "Well, if I'm being honest, I'm lookin' for new lands to conquer."

This one I'm thinkin' will be a pass, though. Can't see myself ruling here with a straight face.

Dedede looked puzzled, leaning back in his chair. "Isn't it kind of... stupid to admit that, when yer surrounded by my soldiers?"

The Koopa guffawed. "It's not like I'm gonna take over this kingdom. Too saccharine for my tastes… it'd take a hell of a reno to get this place up to my standards."

Besides, Bowser thought to himself, I could take 'em all, and you as well, little bird. I could even do it blindfolded, with one arm tied behind my back. And I just might, if I don't like ya…

"Saccharine!? Dream Land? Noooooo." Dedede looked a bit threatened, stiffening in his chair. "You know, I'm quite the villain myself, as you can no doubt tell by my epic throne room, armed guards, and general air of badassery."

"Is that so," Bowser smirked, his cheeks warming a little.

"You betcher bottom dollar it is, fellow baddie." Dedede crossed his arms proudly.

Well aren't you an odd duck.

The reptile, amused, called the penguin's bluff. "Well then, how many princesses have ya kidnapped?"

The other king faltered. "Erm…"

"How many towns've ya demolished?"

"Maybe a couple, I've lost count-"

"How many times've ya clobbered yer arch nemesis?"

"Arch nemesis? …clobbered? Who clobbers?" Dedede was evidently dumbfounded at Bowser's choice of words.

"Ya don't have a nemesis? Mine's this middlin' plumber who everyone loves, includin' the princess, despite 'im bein' an overweight, middle-aged tradesman who wears his initial on his cap! Seriously, who the hell does that?" Bowser finally took a breath.

"Nobody like that around here…" Dedede blinked. "That was quite a rant. Not fond of this plumber guy? Has he kicked ya in the keister one too many times?"

Bowser stepped back, calculating his response. "Nonono, Dedede, I'm just annoyed by his persistence. No matter how many times I beat 'im up, he keeps comin' back fer more. He's like a masochist or somethin', ya know? Always wants to get turtle terrorized."

Dedede chuckled faintly, shifting in his chair. He almost looked a little uncomfortable. "Well, you're quite an interesting character, aren't ya… your brashness certainly has an endearing quality to it, I suppose."

The hell is that s'posedta mean!?

Bowser raised an eyebrow, befuddled at the statement. "That a come-on or somethin'?"

Dedede lost his smile and reddened. "What? What? Jeez, can't I give a compliment without you thinking I'm hitting on you? Are you that egotistical?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Bowser replied.

"I assure ya that my interest is platonic, but even that is dwindling after that... insult."

"What, it's insultin' to imply that someone could be attracted to me? Am I that monstrous?" Bowser was still being snarky, but there was a tinge of a genuine emotion in his voice.

Argh! Keep it cool, Bowz, he thought. Quit projectin'.

"N-no, I didn't mean that," Dedede stood up from his seat, and walked left, over to one of the two water fountains that adorned each side of the throne, slightly behind it.

"So you DO think I'm cute," Bowser said. The pure snark in his speech was evident.

"NO!" The penguin regarded the fountain's waters thoughtfully, facing away from the Koopa. "The insult is that you think I'm so desperate as to be attracted to you, a random stranger, after spending merely five minutes in your company."

"Usually only takes three, pal." Bowser looked at his nails, thinking they could use a trim soon.

"I'm not... I'm not lookin' fer that kinda companionship, believe me. And if I were, I wouldn't be into anythin' or anyone even remotely resembling you." Dedede scowled, barely noticeable due to the angle at which he was standing.

Oh, he thinks I'm serious. Silly little penguin… Me and him? Hah. In his dreams…

Wait, 'remotely resembling me'? I'm a fuckin' catch!

The Koopa shrugged, more exaggeratedly this time. "Relax, don't worry, I ain't into tubby penguins anyway. I'm more into snatchin' cute princesses."

Dedede's head snapped around so fast, Bowser almost mistook him for an owl. "Tubby? TUBBY!? Guards-"

The doors burst open before he could even finish his cry.

A young woman ran inside, a human, dressed like a painter with a red beret, long green smock (slightly stained with primary colors), and a short dark skirt. She had black hair, round cheeks, and big, honest eyes.

"Mr. Dede! Where have you been?" she exclaimed. "You were supposed to meet us for the picnic half an hour ago!"

The bird king's eyes flitted around, looking as though they were grasping for a memory. "Oops… I, uh, forgot."

The penguin glanced anxiously at Bowser, who simply gave him a look that said, "Quite the villain", my ass.

"You forgot?" She raised her hands in the air in chagrin, walking about the room. "How do you expect to have any friends at all if you can't even keep your dates?"

"Daaaaates?" Bowser grinned.

Dedede scowled, his lips pursing in a way that made him look rather like a duck. "Shut up, you."

The painter girl ran up to the penguin king and grabbed the fluffy white part of the front of his robe. "Come on, Mr. Dede, everybody's waiting!"

"Adeleine," Dedede said nervously, looking at Bowser again for a minute, "how many times have I told you to call me King Dede…de?"

Adeleine appeared puzzled. "Um… never?"

"Ha... ha… ha… you're so silly with all of your jokes, Adeleine!" Dedede put an arm around her shoulder.

"Yo, Deeders, is this kid being insubordinate?" Bowser stepped toward them. The guards didn't seem to mind her presence. "She's walkin' around like she owns the place. You need me to put 'er in the dungeon?"

The painter girl finally noticed him. "There's no dungeon in this castle… who are you?"

"It is I! Your one and only King, Bowser Koopa." He spread his arms out, as if presenting himself to an adoring audience.

"No need to be so theatrical," Dedede grumbled.

"Oh, how wonderful, you've made a new friend, Mr. Dede! And he's visiting royalty, no less!" Adeleine clapped her hands.

Me? A new friend? He wishes.

"You don't have to act so surprised," Dedede said, crossing his arms. "A- and anyway, he's not my friend, don't jump to conclusions!"

"Yeah, I'm a lone wolf, I don't need anyone stealing my limelight, kid!" Bowser added, with a macho, toothy grin.

"That's what everyone says when they have no friends," she replied with a youthful innocence, not meaning anything rude by it.

Bowser froze, his teeth parting as his smile drooped a bit. "Heh."

"Anyway, Mr. Dede, bring your new friend with you to the picnic! He looks interesting! I bet he has all kinds of stories from his home that he's itching to tell."

"Now then, Adeleine, hold your horses," the penguin king said. "I'm sure Bowser was just on his way out-"

"Actually, a picnic sounds great. I'm feelin' kinda… peckish." He glanced at Dedede. "Get it? 'Cause you're a bird?"

"Bring your jokes with you too!" Adeleine beamed. "And hurry, before all the food is gone!"

Dedede sighed and looked at Bowser. The Koopa just flashed his teeth and winked.


The trio left the castle, Bowser, Dedede, and Adeleine strolling briskly through the town, or back through it in the Koopa's case.

Dedede saw Bowser looking around. The reptile king likely found it more enjoyable to see the area while not having weapons pointed at him. But he didn't have much time to acknowledge the modest houses and gawking villagers. Adeleine was walking fast, ahead of him, dragging Dedede by the hand.

Dedede knew he sure must have appeared whipped for a so-called evil king. That was mostly bravado, to be honest - he was really only evil if he got possessed.

The penguin looked behind him. Bowser had a bit of a tough time keeping up, with his massive, beastly, muscular legs, upon which he lumbered like a zombie giving chase to a brainy individual.

Despite the Koopa's abrasive behavior, Dedede elected to be the bigger man and extend an olive branch. Besides, if he was being honest, the guy kind of piqued his curiosity - he was so different from anybody in Dream Land.

As they walked through the verdant countryside, now at least half a mile from town, Dedede wrestled free of Adeleine's grip to momentarily fall back and converse with Bowser. "Holy cow, that girl has a strong hold."

"Enjoy bein' dragged around like a ragdoll? Or are you tryin' to lull your subjects into a false sense of security to manipulate 'em easier?" Bowser grinned knowingly, against a backdrop of deciduous trees and fluffy clouds, the sky bright with afternoon sun.

Such a nice view… the penguin thought. Er, except for that scaly fiend blocking out the sun.

"Um… the second one." Dedede hoped he'd stop asking questions. It was surprisingly hard to keep up this bad boy front, especially with Adeleine's innocence ruining his rep.

Bowser laughed. "You're kind of a character yourself, ya know."

"Oh, who invited you?" Dedede snapped.

"Your girlfriend, Madeline."

"Adeleine. And she's not my girlfriend, let alone in my age range. Why do ya insist on pairing me with somebody?" Dedede sighed, trying to calm his naturally defensive disposition.

"Sorry, sorry, I thought ya could take a joke, silly me."

"Your jokes are pretty bad."

"My jokes are hysterical."

"Well, that's one way to put it," Dedede groaned.

Their path started taking them up a grassy slope. Their breathing and bickering became more labored.

Bowser chuckled. "Maybe you just need a bigger brain to appreciate 'em, when all ya got are bigger bones."

Dedede's feathers ruffled. "CAN IT, YA DISRESPECTFUL SACK OF-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy, tiger! I'm just playin' wit'cha. I'm tryin' to establish a rapport, as a gift from me to you, and yet here I am, so ruthlessly, so violently scorned. Is that any way to treat a new buddy?"

"You aren't any buddy of mine," hissed the bird king.

Bowser frowned. "Whatever. You're a real grump, ya know that? Here I am, tryin' to banter with your sorry ass, even though the one with the most social value in this group - besides me, of course - is an 11-year-old girl."

"SHE'S 12!" Dedede screamed.

Bowser ignored him, going on. "An' ya don't even have the… dignidedede to meet me halfway." He snorted a little at the last part.

"Oh right, as if listenin' to your words is such a privilege. Ya know what? Yer actually very rude! And I think I don't like you!" Dedede said. Damn it. He wasn't going to take disrespect like that from a total stranger.

"I don't care whether ya like me, little birdy," Bowser said, "I just wanna get some food into me and get out of this candyland dump."

"Good riddance," Dedede said, starting to get out of breath as they scaled further up the hill. "You must be the most annoying person I've ever met. I'm not surprised ya had to leave yer entire planet behind just to get a chance to socialize anew."

Yikes. That came out a little harsher than he had intended. Then again, so had most of his responses.

Bowser put his hands in the air in exasperation. "Take a look in the mirror, birdbrain. I've been tryin' to have a fun chat and you just take everything I say so seriously. Are ya cranky like this all the time, or do ya just really need to get laid?"

Yes, I'm cranky when a complete stranger goes on an insult binge where I'M the target. How wacky an idea!

Dedede narrowed his eyes. He didn't say anything.

He then noticed Adeleine, whose presence he'd forgotten. She was looking back at them, with a concerned expression.

His shoulders slumped.

Great, every disaster needs a witness…


Soon they had reached the top of the hill, punctuated by a lone tree at its crest, underneath which a stereotypically red and white checkered picnic blanket lay.

The blanket was topped with a large amount of baskets and all sorts of lunch food - sandwiches, chips, hard-boiled eggs, rice balls, jelly donuts (which, to the untrained eye, could look very similar to rice balls), cake, cookies, and some bottles of fruit juice and water. Despite the variety on display, the amount of food was clearly less than what could have fit in the baskets.

At two corners of the blanket sat a blue bandana-wearing Waddle Dee who was a close friend of Dedede's, and Kirby, a round, pink orb with red shoes and blushing cheeks, another of the avian's adorable associates. Between them were two Waddle Dees who lacked any kind of headwear or other distinguishing features.

Bowser appeared to stiffen as he saw them.

What's up with him? thought Dedede. Oh, who cares anyway… he's a bad person.

"Kirby," Adeleine scolded, hand on her hip, "I thought we agreed we were going to wait until everyone was here before we started eating-" She stopped her sentence midway, hiding a smile. "...Oh, who am I kidding, we all knew this would happen."

"Poyo?" answered the pink puffball she was referring to.

The Koopa growled suddenly, startling them all. "You. I remember you. We've Smashed before!"

Bowser pointed a clawtip at Kirby.

He knows Kirby? Of all people? How? Dedede wondered.

"Haiiiiiiiii~!" replied Kirby, waving both of his stubby arms.

"Oh, you know Kirby? Really?" Adeleine was surprised. "I never would have guessed. Is that why you came to visit, Bowser?"

"You 'Smashed?'" Dedede repeated. "Does that... mean the same thing where you're from?"

Bowser choked, realizing his phrasing. "We fought in the Super Smash Bros. tournament… He's a veteran of the first tourney, 64, while I joined in the second, Melee. They couldn't handle how big and scary I was, that's why I wasn't in the first one."

"Oh," Dedede said, touching his chin thoughtfully, "I remember hearing about those tournaments. Competitive fighting, was it? Seems he'd be more suited to competitive eating."

"I tried to stop him," said the Waddle Dee with the blue headgear, "But you know how he is."

Bowser leaned over to murmur to Dedede. "So, can only some of them talk, or…"

Adeleine turned around and held out an arm, presenting the turtle to the group. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Mr. Dede's new close friend, King Bowser Koopa. Bowser, this is Kirby, obviously, and Bandana Dee. And these two next to them are both named Waddle Dee!"

"We're not-" Dedede began, sitting down next to Kirby, but his "close friend" interrupted.

"Call me Bowser. It's a pleasure to meet y'all, I guess. Even if I already met one of you... on the battlefield." He tried to make it sound dramatic, approaching the picnic blanket. "I'd shake your hands, but my hands are about the size of your entire bodies, and plus I don't see any opposable thumbs for gripping. Anyhow, got any steak? Or is it all just finger food?"

"Bowser is traveling from a faraway land known as…" Adeleine paused, taking her seat next to Bandana Dee. "What was it again?"

"The Mush-" Bowser coughed. "I mean, the Koopa Kingdom."

"Sounds exotic," Bandana Dee said, nibbling a cookie.

Bowser eyed the little orange man carefully, and then looked at his brethren. "So, like, are you all named Waddle Dee even though it's also the name of your species? Yet one of you is named Bandana Dee… Isn't that kinda confusing? Are you all a Waddle Dee, or is there a the Waddle Dee? I mean I guess Yoshis and Toads are like that too, but… it just doesn't make any sense!"

Nobody said anything. It was one of those statements everyone just ignores because it's too much work to answer.

Kirby swallowed a quarter of a sandwich by opening his mouth wide and inhaling it from across the blanket.

"Holy shit, how does he do that?" Bowser was taken aback.

"So Bowser," Adeleine said, "What brought you here? Was it our beautiful nature scenes? The food? Or you just wanted to hang out with your buddies here?"

"Let's get one thing straight, kid. Bowser does not 'hang out'. I ain't pals with Dededweeb over here, or anyone else either. Just passin' through on my quest for power and destruction. Grahaha!" He sat down loudly, the picnic blanket's edges rising up from the displacement of so much air.

Adeleine was clearly confused. "I… see. My, Mr. Dede, you sure enjoy the company of some… intriguing people."

Dedede sat there beet red, feeling extremely embarrassed to be associated with this buffoon. The penguin hadn't touched his food.

"So did you hear?" Bandana Dee turned to Adeleine. "The Gourmet Races are coming up in about a month."

"That early? Ooh, so exciting! I bet Mr. Dede is gonna win again!" Adeleine clapped.

"Gourmet Races?" Bowser asked. "Color me curious."

The Koopa began scoffing down sandwiches, eggs, and cake at an alarming rate. Everyone stared awkwardly as he diminished their supplies.

Looks like he'd be a natural, Dedede thought.

"Essentially," Adeleine said, nervously watching the dwindling provisions, "It's a race involving trying to eat as much food as possible."

Bowser looked at the surly penguin. A slight smile formed. "I can imagine you must snarf it all down with real efficiency."

"Is that another dig at my weight?" Dedede grumbled.

He evidently doesn't see the irony in his statement…

The Koopa licked his fingers. "Well, if the robe fits… and in your case, it doesn't."

Dedede's eyes narrowed. "You know, you have some nerve! You aren't an hourglass figure yourself!"

"No duhduhduh, Dedede. I'm a tank. 100% muscle."

"And what percent is THIS!?"

Dedede grabbed Bowser's stomach, angrily.

The Koopa gasped. "He's touchin' me inappropriately!"

"Look at this!" the penguin cried, at his wits' end. He jiggled the flab, eyes wide. "Is this a six pack? How long ago didja drink it!?"

The Koopa flushed, growling. "Hands off the merchandise!"

"Why?" Dedede asked. "Clearly there's enough to go around!"

"Mr. Dede-" Adeleine began.

Bandana Dee cut her off. "Shh. I wanna see what happens next."

The Koopa continued the chunky conversation. "There's nothin' to go 'round! I got washboard abs!"

"You're more than round… yer a Bowser balloon, ya bewilderin' buffoon!"

Bowser roared. "You're just jealous cause my tantalizin' tummy is hotter than your low-grade gut!"

Dedede cackled, redirecting his energy quickly. "Your belly flops in comparison to my majestic midsection!"

"Get real! That's circular logic! There's no way you can actually believe that!"

"I thought ya were 100% muscle, now you're fat-positive!? So eager to compete with me! You must be jealous!"

"Jealous, of what? That basic pot belly? That pathetic paunch? Don't make me laugh. I'm clearly the winner in this round."

Everyone else was silent, watching in awe. Even Kirby took a break from eating to observe the situation. The generic Waddle Dees looked at each other with concern, while sharing a hard-boiled egg.

The penguin slapped his own stomach, letting it jiggle and bounce for show. "Please! Mine is plump and feathery, like a pillow at a five-star hotel!"

"Yeah, well mine's firm and leathery, like a luxury recliner!"

"My stomach could squash you and your little ego into oblivion!"

"As if! I'll belly bash ya so hard, you'll never bounce back!"

Bandana Dee scratched his head. "This is… not a typical debate, is it…"

They both stopped talking, blushing at the situation, looking back at the others.

"Oh…" said Dedede, looking confused. "Was that all… out loud?"

"Hiii," Kirby replied.

"Whatever! Let's move on!" Bowser crossed his arms, his cheeks as red as his hair, looking away from the group and especially away from Dedede.

The penguin rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed by their shared outburst, but also stimulated. Certainly not the type of conversation I'm used to here…

Adeleine piped up. "Well, the Gourmet Race IS kind of an abdominal comparison, in a way. And Mr. Dede has won quite a few times!"

Bowser whined gruffly. "So we're not movin' on…"

Dedede sighed. "It doesn't matter. Everyone just lets me win 'cause it's bad form to beat the king."

Bowser turned around a smidge, and looked at him oddly.

What kind of face is he making now? Hold on, is that… understanding? Sympathy? the penguin pondered. No, couldn't be.

"Oh, that's not true. Kirby's given you a run for your money quite a few times!" Adeleine insisted.

"I'll bet he has," Bowser said, watching the round boy suck in three more sandwiches without even moving.

"I know!" Adeleine said, suddenly, clasping her palms together. "You should come back and join in the races this time, Bowser!"

"Oh, great idea, a new competitor!" Bandana Dee chimed in.

No. No no no no NO! Don't give him an excuse to stay!

"Bowser's not coming back," Dedede said quickly. "He's overstayed his welcome as it stands."

The other king almost appeared hurt. But that surely wasn't an emotion he was capable of feeling. "Aww, c'mon 'Mr. Dede', is that any way to talk to yer best friend from around the bend?"

Bowser put an arm around Dedede's shoulders and nuzzled into his face in a really aggravating way.

Dedede flushed light pink in anger. Yeah… anger. Or nervousness, or something. This guy just really made him tense.

"Get off me, you overeager annoyance," the penguin said, crossing his arms.

But he didn't move away.

"Ha ha, silly Dedede." Bowser pulled him even closer, causing the bird to flush even more intensely. "Adeleine, I hope y'ain't jealous of our friendship. It runs so deep that we can insult each other all day without ever meanin' anything by it." He clutched Dedede painfully tight, rubbing his shoulder. "I'm not tryna steal him from you, promise."

"It's okay, Mr. Dede could stand to meet some new people." Adeleine nodded.

Dedede squirmed. "Bowser, let go-"

"Yo, grumps, I'm doin' you a solid here. You're makin' an ass of yourself. Nobody is gonna respect a mopey king. I just smoothed things over in a cool way, so the proper thing to say is: 'thanks, incredibly powerful and handsome'."

Dedede pried the Koopa's arm off of him with a lot of difficulty. God, he's strong, and his arms are heavy, not surprising considering the thickness of his musculature. Seriously, those biceps were a bit scary in their raw power. At least they put a knot in Dedede's superior stomach. Probably safer to stay on the Koopa's good side.

"Oh, Bowz," the penguin said condescendingly, "Of course you're welcome at the Gourmet Races. But I'm sure you're busy ravaging cities and-"

Bowser smirked, unflappable. "Nah, not much on my plate right now. Kind of on vacation really, when ya think about it."

What must I do to get rid of this nuisance? Dedede thought. Not only is he irritating, he's intimidating. Who knows what he would do if left to wander around Dream Land? Stage a coup? Maybe he's tryin' to get close to Pop Star's denizens to surprise us with a tactical strike. What if he attacked me? Can't say I feel confident I could win in a battle between the two of us – this Koopa, although a bit round in the middle, is clearly in his physical prime. Thick arms. Thicker legs… All he'd have to do is pin me down under his weight and I would be utterly helpless, no matter how much I struggled…

"Dede!" Bowser poked him. "Pay attention! Addy's talking to ya."

He snapped out of his daydream. "What? What is it?"

Adeleine gestured toward the picnic setting. "Are you going to eat anything? The food's almost gone…"

Kirby was dozing contentedly, sated at last.

"Damn, that little pig ate everything!" Bowser gasped.

"I didn't see you slowing down either," Dedede replied. "You swallowed so much food it's a miracle anyone else got to eat at all."

"T-that's a bald-faced lie!" Bowser shouted.

"It's a… hairy-faced truth! Poor Adeleine didn't even get to have anything! Look at 'er! She's wasting away to nothing!" Dedede yelled back.

"I-I mean, I had a rice ball…" Adeleine murmured.

"Look at her, poor thing is starving because of you! She's a growing girl! Needs her energy! Whaddya have to say fer yourself!?" Dedede continued shouting.

Bowser looked surprised at the penguin's sudden assertiveness. It brought a blush of embarrassment to his face. "I- uhm…"

"Say yer sorry!"

"S-sorry Adeleine," said Bowser, sheepishly.

"And what do we say to people when they do things for us, like prepare picnics or feed us!?"

Bowser looked down at the blanket, pouting. "T-thank you…"


The picnic was over, and after sitting around and talking for a bit, the group headed back to town. Dedede was quiet for most of the trip, and Bowser didn't have it in him to bug the poor guy. Clearly he was already feeling down.

Really lost my cool there, ugh… Not used to bein' the one gettin' roared at. I guess I AM kind of a nuisance.

Wait, I'm SUPPOSED to be a nuisance! I'm Bowser! I'm the KING! I'm the BADDIE! Why the hell should I be worked up 'bout what a buncha goody-two-shoes think of me!?

When they made it back to the castle, the sky was turning a faint pink with the suggestion of an upcoming sunset. After that late lunch, none of them felt much like eating dinner, and Bowser was sure that Dedede would be glad to dine alone later.

What is this side of me? Bowser thought. Why am I concerning myself with this oversized penguin's feelings? Who cares.

At the castle doors, they all said their goodbyes.

"I hope we see you again soon, Bowser," Adeleine said with a short bow. "Your tales of defeating bad plumbers are so extraordinary!"

"Poyoooo," Kirby said.

The two little Waddle Dees waved silently.

"Yeah, it was fun shooting the breeze with you," Bandana Dee agreed.

"Look at you, talking like that. Trying to act cool in front of him?" Dedede said.

"S-shooting the breeze is a very common turn of phrase… I've always been cool enough to say it. Or so I thought…" Bandana Dee was crestfallen.

"Ignore him, Bandee." Bowser shot Dedede a glance of annoyance and shook his head. "You're one to talk. Acting like you're this big, scary, evil force when you spend your days going on picnics and crap. All just to impress me. Weak."

"Why would I want to impress you? I'm simply totally bad to the bone, dude, and nothing you can say will change that." Dedede tried to look convincingly aloof.

Bowser rolled his eyes, but a smile pushed up the corners of his lips.

"I mean, you did cause a lot of destruction here a few times," Adeleine offered, "but you were posses-"

"Okay, okay, he doesn't need the full story, Adeleine!" Dedede said, waving his hands at her.

Bowser was surprised. "Huh. Guess I underestimated you… buddy."

"Don't push it," Dedede said.

He appeared to be trying to hide a faint grin.

Don't think I don't see it, little bird. I see it… that lil' smile… Maybe I'll get to see it again sometime…

What the hell!? Get a grip, Bowz, he hates you! A fake, suppressed smile doesn't mean anything. Plus you're leaving! And anyway why do you care about his stupid little smile anyway!? Rrrraaagghh!

"Rrrggh- uhh… wwwwell, err… s-s'pose I'll be off," Bowser said, unsmoothly. "S-sayonara."

Adeleine, Bandana Dee and Kirby waved.

"Bye…" Dedede said, sheepishly.

Bowser took a few steps away and looked back. He almost thought he saw a hint of disappointment in those big penguin eyes.

Probably sad that I'm such a prick… wait, who am I kidding, I'm awesome. Clearly he just wishes I would stay!


Bowser headed out of the western entrance of the town, where he'd come in earlier. He took one look back at the town and the castle above the hill, sighing heavily.

Out in the plains where his airship was parked, Bowser boarded and set course back toward the Mushroom Kingdom on his home planet.

As he watched Dream Land fade into the distance, he wondered if he could ever go back there.

How would he bring it up?

"Missed you guys!"

"Just had to come back!"

He'd embarrass himself for sure.

That Dedede fellow kept circling back into his mind. Bowser thought they had a fun rapport but the penguin kept getting offended by all his jokes. Why'd he have to be so sensitive? Was Bowser actually being more rude than he intended? Or did everything sound mean coming from such a hideous creature?

He shook his head. Don't let those thoughts come back. And remember that you don't need anybody.


When he got back to his castle the next morning, after having caught some shut-eye in his ship thanks to autopilot, Bowser was welcomed back by his troops, inundated by information. And then, after greeting his son, he immediately went to take a dip in his personal hot springs, heated by veins of magma underground.

The surroundings of the hot springs were haunting, just how he liked it. Dark trees, grey stone, a pervasive mist from the heat… he felt inspired to be the best bad guy out there when he was in a setting such as this.

As he relaxed and let his sore muscles soak, closing his eyes, Bowser's mind wandered, as it tended to do in times of quiet.

Man, I acted like an idiot, trying to force myself into that poor penguin's day. Who am I kidding? He didn't want to hang out with me, no matter how fun I convince myself I am… and why would he? Who wants to be around a jerk whose idea of a hobby is wreaking havoc everywhere?

The king snorted hot smoke from his nostrils. Wait… what am I thinking? I'm Bowser, I'm the dude, I'm just too edgy for others to understand. Someone with my unique perspective is meant to walk alone. I'm just too much for these weaklings to handle! Yeah, that's it…

"Your Highness?"

Drat. Kamek. And I was just starting to relax…

"What is it?" Bowser said, opening one eye half-lidded, reluctant to acknowledge his Magikoopa underling.

"Sire, I've been eager to discuss a new plan with you-"

"Kamek, save it," Bowser said. "Can't you see I'm trying to chill?"

"But I've discovered a weak point in Toadstool's army…"

"Look, I'm not plottin' anything at the moment, okay? I need a break!" He shifted and lowered into the water up to his chin.

"Sire, I really must advise-"

"GET LOST!" Bowser snapped. "When I wanna discuss war plans, I'll SUMMON YOU."

Kamek took a step back, shocked by the king's outburst. "Very well then." He turned around and left, grumbling.

Bowser sighed and let his head sink under the water.


Bowser spent the rest of the evening walking through his castle, making the rounds and greeting all the troops that had missed him for the last few days. No real connections of any depth, of course. They were subordinates, and besides they were all either scared or indifferent, except for the ones who thought Bowser was the coolest. They usually tried to engage him, but he wasn't really into hanging with his soldiers. Especially when doing so usually earned them resentment from others who thought Bowser was playing favorites.

Torches lined the walls of his keep, red carpet stretched through almost every hallway. He had a drink at the basement bar, one of a growing number of places in the castle where he could get inebriated. Whenever it was time to construct a new wing, or repair an old one, he almost always wanted to make it some kind of entertainment establishment. He didn't know why. He'd been collecting bars these days. He had a lounge, a cocktail bar, a dive bar, a retro speakeasy… Bars and lounge culture just appealed to him in some subliminal way. So did entertainment spaces in general.

If only I could share it with someone… Nah, stop thinkin' that junk!

This particular pub had round wooden tables encircled by stools, and some tasteful lava streams that came out of holes in the walls and emptied into a long basin that trailed along the bottom of each of the grey brick walls.

Bowser attempted to chat up the barkeep, to just connect with somebody and elaborate on his trip, but the bartender was busy serving other patrons, ones who were actually paying.

Eventually the king got up, left a generous tip and headed up to his bedroom.

It was almost as large as the throne room, with a few windows that arched up at the top into a kind of semi-triangular shape, letting in a bit of light from the constantly-dark sky around his kingdom.

His bed was a "double king", a size that was custom created for his massive frame. Its blankets were scarlet with gold trim on the sides. Red pillowcases. No decorative pillows - those were a stupid idea that only princesses and housewives thought about.

Lavafalls were everywhere, all along the walls behind the bed, spaced evenly and making the room glow with dim orange lighting.

The corners of the walls were shaped into columns and had spikes jutting out at the top and bottom, to mimic his cuffs.

There was a closet full of various outfits that he wore on occasion. It was a bit of a hassle to get dressed with his shell on top of everything, but when the mood struck, he enjoyed playing dressup and assuming a different persona.

A couple of bookshelves were spread out, mostly containing his favorite books as well as some little trinkets or decorations.

He had a shiny, vermillion mini fridge in another corner, full of various foods, drinks, and a couple of glass bottles of water.

There were also a few lava lamps, of course, but these were specially created with real lava by Kamek, who loathed using his magic for such "mundane things". The lamps were about five feet tall, with long bases. One was purple and pink, another green and yellow, and finally a red and orange one for mood lighting.

Next to the bed were end tables on each side. He kept his reading glasses in the drawer of one. Each had a matching gold lamp with a black, spiky lampshade.

There were more details, but he'd seen them all before and just wanted to sleep.

He got out of his shell and shackles, even though the material of the bed was enchanted specifically to withstand the wear and tear his spiked accessories would cause. He put his shackles on top of a small bookshelf, and leaned his shell against a corner wall.

Rubbing his wrists and looking around at his room, he felt a bit like all the extravagance of his castle was wasted. It was only he who could appreciate it. Nobody else to enjoy its facilities or decor, no one else to sit in a chair with him or have a drink.

The king slumped into bed. He got under the blankets and turned off his bedside lamp.

Bowser fell asleep almost the instant his head hit the pillow, plagued by empty dreams for the rest of the night.


[Author's note: This story takes place between Melee and Brawl, if that wasn't obvious, so Bowser hasn't met any characters that weren't in Melee, unless he has a logical reason to know them, and by logical I mean "made up by me". Also how is this ship so rare? Real royal rarepair requiring rapid repair…

I wanna thank my friend Booki for giving me inspiration and permission to use some ideas from his fic, Villains with Benefits. And also Iral for being a kind supporter and letting me bounce ideas and gush. And also also Gael for providing me with a mega inspo for some later plotlines!

I started the original fic in like 2018, then I kind of abandoned it for five years and came back to it.

I recently decided to touch up and rewrite the original 7 chapters, before continuing to move on with the new chapters which advance the story further. These original chapters are essentially brand new. The same stuff happens, but I added numerous intricate scenes, a lot more detail to the pre-existing assets, consolidated smaller individual chapters into single larger ones (so 7 became 5) and generally went to town on making this something I can be really proud of, to bring it up to my current standard.

Oh also. After that Mario Wonder short where Bowser brings Peach flowers and then she turns into an elephant… we got canon confirmation that he likes 'em thin but he LOVES 'em thicc. So… Bowdede makes even more sense now.

Without further ado, I hope you enjoy my gay little story about Bowser and Dedede.]