Original Posted On Mar. 15, 2024
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OKAY, LETS READ THIS SHIT! I DON'T OWN NARUTO OR HIGHSCHOOL DXD!
"Hey" = Speaking
'Hey' = Thinking
'Hey' = Memory
One-Shot, START:
IMP Office…
"My sister and I were traveling home from college for spring break. As we drove through the Florida countryside, an old truck threateningly tailgates them but eventually passes. We later stumble on the same truck mysteriously parked next to an abandoned church with the driver dumping what appears to be bodies wrapped in blood-stained sheets into a large pipe sticking out of the ground. Fucker noticed our car passing by." The Client stated as he smoked a cigarette, offered to him by Blitz.
The Client was a tall, humanoid looking Sinner demon. But he had horns, hoofed feet, and a tail… and an eyeball in his throat due to the giant holes in his head where his eyes should have been, showing how he had died.
"After seeing the truck drive off, I convinced my sister to go back to the church to investigate. I crawled inside the drain pipe with my sister holding on to my feet... before she accidentally dropped me to the bottom of the pipe. Inside, I found a dying man with stitches running down his stomach and hundreds of corpses sewn to the basement's walls and ceiling, including bodies that had gone missing twenty-three years prior."
"Oh, cool, body art." Blitz interrupted with a smirk as he played with his paddleball, earning an irritated look from the client.
"After escaping, my sister and I attempted to contact the police at a diner. At the diner, some 'Psychic' told us we were being hunted and to avoid hearing a song, really stupid... anyway, we ignored her warning and left." The client continued, his eyes narrowing as Blitz was not really paying attention, working on his hand eye coordination with the paddle ball.
The client sighed.
"As we were driving with the cop escorts we were given, the driver from before attacked, killing the cops as we fled." The client continued, taking a moment to smoke. "After attempting to hide, we repeatedly ran the driver over with the car, thinking we killed it... but to our horror, a giant wing tear through its trench coat and flap in the air."
Blitz paused, the ball bouncing on it's string.
"We returned to the police station, reuniting with the psychic. she explains what the creature is, dubbing it 'the Creeper' and how it uses our fear to figure out what body parts it will take..."The Client gestured to himself, specifically, the two giant holes in his head where his eyes should have been. "The Creeper then attacked the station, I assume it killed others to heal itself from what happened when we ran it over. The Psychic said it was after one of us, but not who..."
The client once again gestures to himself.
"After some struggling, my sister offered her life, but the Creeper took me, killed me, and now... here I am." The client finished.
"Well, Darry…" Blitz said as he stood up. "This sort of out of our usual pay grade."
He walked out from behind the desk.
"I mean, this business is made to kill humans…"
"I'll pay you fifty bucks." Darry said as he pulled out a very crisp fifty-dollar bill.
"DEAL!" Blitz shouted, swiping the fifty out of the sinner's hand, pocketing it before pulling out a boom mic. "M&M, WE GOT OUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT!"
Darry turned toward the door, hearing bizarre sounds and an elephant sound before the door opened, Millie and Moxxie barreling in.
"Everyone, meet our client…" Blitz said, putting an arm around Darry, pulling the Sinner in tightly.
As Blitz and Darry explained the request, Loona was at her desk, on her phone, feet up, and carefully listening in.
Twenty-Five Minutes Later…
"Alright, we will give you a call when the job is complete~" Blitz stated with a cheery wave as Darry left the office.
He closed the door, and returned his attention to his workers.
Millie was frothing at the mouth, wanting to kill a demon that had high regen abilities, her Leviathan Axe in hand.
Moxxie was more worried than his wife, but had his Los Lobos at his side.
Blitz, meanwhile, had Casull and Jackal in his jacket with extra bullets, ready to be used.
"Alright, let's get the book and…"
"Actually, dad…" Loona said as she held up the grimoire. "I feel like you guys should have Naruto help you out."
Moxxie's eyes widened.
"Actually, that is a good idea." He said, moving over to stand beside his daughter-in-law. "Naruto's abilities and knowledge of the human world, we can get to this thing faster."
Blitz rubbed his chin in thought.
Smiling with an eyeroll, he snapped his fingers.
"Alright, let's get the mutt and get going." Blitz stated with much enthusiasm.
Dry Fuck Studios…
Naruto had his headphones on, laying across a lounge chair, his headphones connected to his record player, listening to Gorillaz: Demon Days as Verosika fed Andromeda.
His phone rang in his pocket.
Moving one part of his headphones aside, Naruto answered.
"Sup, Blitz." He asked, knowing it was his father-in-law from the sound of galloping horses and neighing.
"Yo, BITCH, we got a big request, and we need your help." Blitz said on the other side of the phone. "It is in Florida, we are going to kill a regenerating demon, so meet us outside and we can go KILL THAT THING!"
Naruto deadpanned.
"Do you really need me though?" Naruto asked in confusion, not really getting the full grasp of the conversation.
"Just meet us outside, M&M will fill you in." Blitz responded, the sound of tires screeching on the road echoing on the other side of the phone. "Bring your sword, this bitch is gonna be a trial."
Blitz hung up and Naruto sighed.
"Welp, Blitz needs my help." Naruto said, taking off his headphones as he turned off his record player.
"A dangerous murder job?" Verosika asked, burping the baby.
"Yeah…" Naruto said as his hand rubbed his eyes. "It… will be a doozy…"
Naruto walked over, kissed his wife and daughter before he walked to his room, gathering his sword and changed into better clothing.
Human World, Florida…
It was dusk.
The road.
It was silent.
Only sound was the wind and broken leaves scratching against the old road.
Nearby farms and animals not bothering to notice as a portal from Hell opened up on the road.
The IMP Hell-Mer exited the portal, with IMP and Naruto in their Human disguises.
"Aaaaah…" Blitz sighed as he took in the air. "Smells like country."
"Alright, sir." Moxxie said, looking over the written paper work. "It says here that the Creeper had a church base down this road."
Moxxie looked up, trying to see a church.
"I think just up a bit more… there!" Moxxie said as he pointed… at the charred remains of a church.
"Oh… Crumbs…" Moxxie stammered in a panic.
"Seems the Creeper burned the evidence after he killed Darry…" Naruto mumbled, Millie pouting in the back with him. "Maybe there is someplace that is abandoned…"
"Well…" Moxxie stammered as he looked at a printed-out map, desperately trying to figure out what place it could be at. "Wait, there is an abandoned factory a few miles away… near a corn field."
Thirteen Minutes Later…
The sky was littered in stars and the Moon's light.
All of the students on the bus were scared as the Creeper looked at each one, sniffing the air…
Searching for its next body part.
It walked up to the window, licking it, causing the students to move to the opposite side out of fear, making it smile.
It moved down the bus, licking the windows, generating more fear and anxiety as the students all had reactions to the inevitable fact that they were going to… was that a Military grade Hummer approaching?
"HEY!"
The creeper turned to the Hell-mer, Naruto popping out of the roof.
"Found ya!" He called out, the Hell-mer swerving, its momentum throwing Naruto toward it.
The Creeper felt threatened.
It jumped away, heading toward the corn field as Naruto looked into the bus.
"Naruto, we are going after it!" Moxxie and Blitz shouted as Millie jumped out, Axe in hand.
"Alright, go kill it!" Naruto yelled as he approached the bus door.
His intention to help the teens.
Meanwhile…
Confusion.
Confusion is what was occupying the Creeper's mind.
No human could resist their fear upon seeing it.
So… why did a human just show up and NOT show fear…
But then again…
The Creeper paused in its movement.
It could prove a good hunt for itself if it had a worthy opponent.
Turning to face the Hell-mer, the beast was prepared to fig…
"DUST THIS BITCH!" Blitz shouted as he and Moxxie leaned out of the windows, Jackal and one of the Los Lobos drawn.
Physical and Magical bullet's hid and blew apart the Creeper.
Screeches of pain and agony ripped from its throat, two leathery bat wings sprouting from it's back as it took off… barely getting over the corn as its damaged body threw off its balance.
"Alright~" Blitz said, twirling Jackal in his hand.
"SIR, WE GOT TO PURSUE!" Moxxie shouted, getting back in the car. "REMEMBER, IT CAN EAT THINGS AND REGENERATE!"
Blitz blinked.
"…"
"…"
"…
"… you forgot?"
"I FORGOT!"
Meanwhile…
"Calm down, everyone, we are nearing civilization." Naruto called from the front of the bus, the students huddled together in their small groups as Millie drove the bus.
Naruto didn't need to be a genius to see that some of the jocks were eying him and Millie up.
Even after a brush with death, a cocky douchebag will always be a cocky douchebag.
"Hey…" One jock said as he started to walk up to the front.
"Man, you gotta sit down." Naruto said calmly and informatively.
"Nah, man, I don't have to…"
He got in Naruto's face…
Only to go flying through the front window as a truck rammed into the bus from behind.
It was a 1941 Chevy COE, Flatbed frame model with a cow catcher.
The students screamed as the bus jolted violently, glass flying everywhere.
"The FUCK was that!" Millie asked as they heard something land on the roof, two indents of feet being visible from the roof.
"Mom, open the door!" Naruto said as he stood up.
Millie did just that, the door opening.
Naruto exited, swinging to the front, using the broken window to carefully get onto the roof.
"Oh, fuck happen to you?" Naruto asked as he drew his sword.
The Creeper's body had massive amounts of its limbs missing, like it was a bucket of ice cream.
Naruto took a step back when it roared, several mandibles opening on its face.
"One ugly mother fucker!" Naruto quoted Predator as he ran forward.
The Creeper, already knowing Naruto wasn't one it needed, attempted to avoid his weapon.
Its body buckled under its weight and the winds.
Naruto cut off one of its arms, the limb zipping away as the bus continued to drive.
Agonized scream rippled from the creatures damaged body.
Naruto went back to continue, only to lose his balance as the truck rammed into the bus again.
"SHIT, SHIT, SHITSHITSHIT!" Naruto screamed in panic as he slipped, nearly losing grip of his sword as he grabbed onto one of the open windows as the truck veered to the left, entering another corn field.
Seeing its chance, the creeper entered the bus through the front window, kicking Millie down the bus, breaking the chair and the wheel still in Millie's hand.
"Oh, fuck…" Millie mumbled, tossing the wheel away and grabbing her axe.
The creeper roared again, sensing Millie was NOT one it needed to heal itself.
"Come to Millie." Millie taunted as she channeled ice magic into the axe.
Having broken all the windows to get to the front, Naruto re-entered the bus, feeling the temperature difference and seeing the situation with the wheel… which was broken.
"Oh, balls…" Naruto realized the bus was slowing down.
He turned to see Millie battling the Creeper, who was pushing against her, avoiding the axe as the students escaped through the emergency exit as the bus came to a crawl.
The creature was enraged.
Its prey was escaping.
Its only way to regenerate was escaping.
It lunged forward, pushing Millie onto the back, its wings pushing it forward further.
The last kid was not safe as the Creeper latched into them.
Naruto ran to Millie, helping her up as the Creeper's regeneration began.
"Well, their dead." Naruto bluntly stated as the creeper chose its next victim. "Come on, we gotta get out of the bus."
Naruto picked Millie up, over his shoulder, and ran out the opposite side of the bus.
He started to run down the road, Leviathan reaching him as Millie recalled it.
The darkened area became illuminated with car light.
The Creeper, fully regenerated, was driving his truck, which had a license plate that read BEATNGU, and it was closing in on the mother/son duo.
Naruto pushed himself, inhumanly speeding forward.
He could feel the heat from the headlights touching his hidden tail as the truck got closer… and closer… and closer… is that another pair of headlights?
The Hell-mer rammed into the truck, sending it off road.
"GET IN!" Moxxie yelled, the back doors opening for his wife and son.
Mother/Son jumped into the car without hesitation.
The truck got back on the road as the Hell-mer took off, full speed.
Meanwhile, Dry Fuck Studios…
Andy grabbed at the toy in Loona's hand.
Much like a puppy would do.
When she missed, an adorable pout covered her face as she tried again.
Verosika took a picture, smiling as her wife and step-daughter played.
Looking at the clock on the wall, Verosika's smile became a concerned frown.
"Wonder how much longer they will be gone?" She mumbled.
Andy, Loona, and Verosika had already eaten dinner, deciding to not wait for everyone, but made sure to pack the left overs in the fridge.
"I don't think it will be much longer." Loona replied, giggling as Andy finally got the toy, gnawing on its soft plushy head, rolling around and thrashing it.
Human World…
"EAT OUR DICKS!" Moxxie shouted as he fired the machine gun that was anchored to the Hell-mer.
The BEATNGU truck didn't slow down, its thick armored body tanking the hits, some bouncing off and hitting the ground.
The Creeper angrily slammed into the Hellmer, making Blitz pissy.
"HIT MY CAR AGAIN, I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU MOTHER FUCKER, HIT MY CAR ONE MORE TIME!" Blitz hollered as Millie and Naruto climbed out through the windows.
"Millie, Naruto?" Moxxie said in confusion and worry.
"Have Blitz keep driving, don't stop." Millie ordered, kissing her husband before looking at her son.
They nodded; weapons drawn.
Two running steps, and a Leap… they landed on the hood of the truck, Naruto nearly losing grip before Millie grabbed him, tossing him onto the roof of the Cowcatcher on the back.
Naruto landed haphazardly, and blocked a strike from the Creeper, who wielded an axe of his own that had a small pitch fork on the back.
Naruto's legs buckled, his knees embedding the metal.
'Fuck, it's strong.' Naruto thought, his arms starting to give out as the Creeper's axe neared his head.
The Creeper smiled, finally smelling fear on the disguised Hound.
Naruto looked behind the Creeper, freeing one hand.
Holding it up, Leviathan entered his hand, and embedded itself into the Creeper's new shoulder.
A pained howl escaped its throat… and its mouth latched into Naruto's shoulder.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Naruto screamed, both weapons out of his hands as he grabbed the mandibles on the creeper's face, trying to get it off of him.
Millie jumped on it's back, and pulled it's head off, the mandibles remaining.
The BEATNGU truck stopped suddenly, sending all three individuals flying off, with the headless Creeper spreading it's wings to keep its balance.
Naruto and Millie hit the ground, blood spreading across the pavement as they rolled on the road, barely conscious.
"MILLIE, NARUTO!" Moxxie and Blitz yell as the Creeper lurched toward the two demons.
It needed a head.
The fear within Naruto was suitable.
Naruto's vision began to refocus, and his thoughts were not on saving himself.
He crawled to cover Millie, who was starting to regain her senses, laying on top of her.
The creeper grabbed Naruto, lifting him up with ease.
It's neck stump grumbled, the mandibles forming a 'mouth' as it lowered Naruto to devour his head.
*BANG*
The creeper dropped Naruto, reeling back as its new arm hit the ground.
"EAT LEAD YOU FUCKER!" Blitz bellowed as he pumped the Creeper's body full of lead.
Moxxie blew off its legs, a barrel of gasoline on his back.
"HOW DAY YOU HURT MY WIFE AND SON!" Moxxie screamed in a fatherly rage.
The creature's segmented parts hit the ground, allowing Blitz and Moxxie to stop.
Blitz grabbed Naruto and Millie, pulling them away as Moxxie dowsed the remains in gas, taking a step back as he grabbed matches and struck one.
Tossing it into the flammable liquid, it did its job.
"Dad…" Naruto grumbled as he stood up.
"Don't worry, we aren't done." Blitz said as he manifested a fucking cement mixer.
"What?" Naruto questioned.
His head hurt and felt like he was having a fever dream.
"This guy could still be alive, even as ash." Moxxie explained as the gasoline did its job and cremate the Creeper. "We are going to mix the ash into cement, pour that into this old school bank safe…" A bank safe appeared beside him. "And then drop that into the fucking ocean."
Naruto just blinked like a dumbass.
"I must have hit my head harder than I thought." He mumbled, choosing to go to the car, not bothering to help his dad and father-in-law.
Morning…
Via Portal due to the Grimoire, Naruto, Millie, Moxxie, and Blitz pushed the cement filled safe into it, watching it fall into the middle of the ocean.
"Phew," Blitz sighed, wiping sweat from his brow. "That took longer than I thought…"
"All night…" Moxxie groaned.
While Naruto and Millie were recovering from their road rashes, Blitz and Moxxie worked on the cement and all that.
Their clothing was coated in dried cement layers that crumbled with every movement and all that.
"I'm ready to go home…" Naruto yawned.
"Same…" Blitz replied, yawning with a stretch. "Let's go home, everyone. I'll treat us to some Denny's after a good day's sleep."
as they left to get in the car, the portal above the ocean closed, the heavy safe slowly sinking into the shadowy depths.
Within the safe, the drying cement was still wet in its core.
Ash particles moved, merged, and reformed.
An eyeball opened.
One-Shot, DONE!
Yes, I had IMP kill the Creeper from Jeeper's Creepers.
Idea just came to me because the first film came out in 2001, and the Creeper sleeps/hybernates for 23 years, hunts for 23 days in spring... so if you're in Florida, you better be packing heat and have NO fear.
I hope all the fans of Jeepers Creepers enjoyed this one shot, and if you guys want this to be canon to Crying for the Moon, let me know and I'll add it to the story proper.
