Chapter 16 - To Keep Us Down (1:12)
Author's Note: I vividly remember saying once upon a day that I'm going to murder anyone who made Omega cry, but uh oops – O.O And for the record, I'm fully aware there's no right or wrong in this argument, just differences.
Warning: A very brief, one-sentence mention of suicidal thoughts?
~ Rivana Rita
There's a heartbeat before Omega follows me. She takes my hand, but I don't have the life or – something to squeeze back. I don't really want it. I don't want comfort. I just want to be alone.
Okay, that's not true.
I want Crosshair back. That's not something anyone – even Omega – can give me.
It's more like an especially Omega in this case, and I hate how we've changed. "I thought we'd get something when we left Kamino, but I was wrong."
"What do you mean?" 'mega queries softly, hand on my forearm. I wish I could still feel like that was enough, like I actually deserved some of it, but I don't. "We did. We got our brothers."
I don't look at her. "Not all of them."
"It could be worse," she tries offering, "At least we're not on Kamino anymore."
Fair. I wish I could share that never-ending cheer.
Hunter wants Crosshair back as much as I do. We all do. I just... never really thought about it enough. I understand it, but it wasn't like... now. It wasn't where I could see it as clearly as my own need and purpose to keep my family together. That's all I've ever been good for.
That's what I was made for, or at least that's what I shaped myself for – I dealt with being away from Omega for a month so I could bring her back to them. Now, I have to do the same for Crosshair. He needs me, and I can't help thinking, briefly, about going after him myself. The thought makes my skin crawl, though, so I just let it drop. I can't run off, doing something stupidly suicidal.
Still tempting, though. I was literally made for one thing, and I can't even do that?
Speaking of pathetic.
"That's not what we're here for, anyway," Omega says quietly. "We need to help Hera."
I don't think she understands. She wasn't made for something the way I was. She just... was. It wasn't... bad on Kamino, exactly, but it wasn't nice, either. I didn't like it there. It was too... dark. Boring. Lonely. I was made to fight, and I hated not being able to do that. I – Nala Se was okay, I guess, but she was just... ugh.
The way Tech talks sometimes reminds me of her. Maybe that's why I get so annoyed at him senselessly. Not his fault, I just – there's something wrong with me.
"Maybe she's not the only one who needs help," I mutter. Omega pauses, looking at me, and I step back, pulling away from her. "We can't even help ourselves."
"That doesn't mean we can't help Hera!"
I don't even know why I'm angry. "He's more important!" I yell back. "Have you even seen what it's done to us? Wrecker's scared of him. Hunter's right – we can't help everyone if we can't even –"
"That's why we have to help her!" Omega half-yells. It's not quite a yell, because Omega never yells, but she's raising her voice and glaring enough that it feels like one, and it somehow makes me feel wrong and dirty and – and something. "We know what that's like. We can't –"
"You don't even know him! Is that why you don't miss him?"
She flinches back, and I'm still present enough to realize this is the first time I've been angry at her since Bracca, and that instantly makes me feel wrong in my own skin and just – just – something. I don't know who I am. Omega says I'm her sister. I don't feel like it. I don't deserve to have her name attached to mine. I don't deserve – anything. I'm not anything.
I knew her. She knew him better than I did, better than any of us, even if he doesn't remember it anymore. Of course, she misses him. It's just – I don't know.
Other things are more important to her, I guess. People are more important. Maybe she does have a purpose, of helping, but that's not something I am. It's not what I am, and to think I was just thinking earlier that we're growing apart.
It's happening, right here, and it's who we are now.
"Of course, I miss him!" Her dark eyes fill with tears, and I step back, biting my lip hard enough to taste blood. "I just – I don't want to lose anyone – Hera needs us –"
"Helping her is risking losing someone else." I turn away and bolt. It's stupid to run, but I just can't handle this conversation. Can't handle anyone.
I understand. I know everyone – we all want him back as much as I do. I'm just the most... stupidly emotional and well, stupid. And the only person mean enough to make Omega cry.
I want to help Hera. I know how that feels, but I'm so, so scared of losing someone else. Of losing Hunter. It's going to happen, because I Saw it, but I can't – can't – let it.
Maybe she is having more issues with me than I realized. I shouldn't have yelled at her. She doesn't deserve to have me stuck on her all the time. She's better than that, and it –
I climb onto a tiny ledge a distance above everything else. Still don't have that grappling hook, but I'm too afraid to ask again. I feel empty and dead and just... I don't want to move. Don't want to do anything.
It's a little while before Hera and Omega come back, trying to coax me down. I ignore them entirely, unmoving from my personalized little misery ball. Chopper tries to bully me out, and scrams when I pull a blaster on him.
It's not until Wrecker shows up that I look up for the first time. "Go away," I grumble – I don't see him, but I can hear his footsteps. They're loud, heavier than the others.
"Kid?" he asks worriedly.
"I don't want to talk." It sounds crazy, because I'm me, but right now... I don't have energy for anything.
"We, uh, have a plan," Wrecker adds.
"I know."
There's an awkward heartbeat of silence, before Wrecker reaches for me. I'm tempted to argue, but this is Wrecker, and he doesn't deserve to deal with my temper, too. It's bad enough I let that out on Omega.
"Do you... wanna come?" he asks, taking me in his arm.
"What do we do?"
"Hunter and Echo go into the capital, and we cause a diversion."
Huh. Hunter and Echo, predictably, in the worst place of danger. Of course, they chose that.
In my mind, I see Hunter falling again.
"Okay," I agree, numbly. "Yeah. What do I do?"
"Hunter said you'd go with Omega."
"Okay." I drop my head onto his shoulder, unmoving. I do not want to be alone with her. Not now. Not – not ever, actually. Not after Bracca.
"You okay?" he queries.
"Honestly, not really." I don't elaborate right off, just closing my eyes and breathing. Forcing my mind blank doesn't stop the heaviness in my chest.
"I miss him, too," Wrecker adds.
I nod again, half mindlessly. I remember when this all started, and we'd gone to the armory together. We had so much fun there, and I was climbing around on the shelves, and – that. I don't think I can manage that level of light-heartedness without Crosshair here. Don't know if I ever will again.
"Why do you even keep me around?" I ask. "When all I do is pick fights with everyone else?" Everyone who actually matters? Because that's not me.
"Uh," he says, overwhelmingly awkwardly, "What happened?"
"Tech's mad at me. 'mega's mad at me – I'm just mean. And I yelled at Hunter again."
I'm pretty sure Wrecker genuinely has no idea how to respond to me. I'm not sure what I want to hear, either. There's nothing anyone can really offer me because we're not going to get better. I can tell myself what I want, but we're only going to fall from here.
I did have a dream of – of a time far away when we're together, but I don't know I can wait as long as I'll have to, to get there.
"Y'know," he supplies awkwardly, "We used to fight when we were little."
"Doesn't make it okay."
"Yeah," Wrecker agrees grudgingly. "Are you, uh, sure you're up for this?"
"No," I tell him honestly, "But do we have a choice?"
I take off to the gunner's mount in the back the moment we get back. I'm not crying anymore, but I still feel... I don't even know. Haven't had a breakdown that long since I woke up after getting my chip out.
I feel eyes on me, but no one says anything.
It's Chopper that rolls up first, beeping grumpily.
"Don't know what that means," I snap back.
"He's upset you threated to shoot him," Hera supplies, walking up, and I bite my lip. What am I supposed to say to that? It was mean, too.
"He was annoying me," I grumble. "Sorry."
"Are you okay?" she asks, hand wrapping around one of the ladder rungs. I glance down at her, and I think Omega's nearby, but I don't see her. I'm certain Hunter's watching me, because he almost always is, and Tech's probably up front like he usually is, and...
Why's she asking me that? "Why're you asking?" I inquire because it doesn't make any sense. We're here to rescue her parents, and I'm the one that was arguing against it. "I mean – why does it matter?"
"You're upset," she answers, like that might actually answer something – it doesn't. "I just wanted to know if you're okay."
I don't even know how to answer that. "Doesn't matter." I shift a little, bumping into Lula who I still haven't dared pick up – Crosshair made her, and anything about him is going to set me off again. Hera's staying though, so I keep talking. She... should probably know. Maybe? "You're not the only one who lost family to the Empire."
"Oh," she says softly.
"Second youngest," I continue, "Brother. He was my... closest." I supply, because while it's not fully true, I don't know what else to call us. I trusted him, and I didn't really confide in him, but that was before I really knew him. We only had a month.
"I'm sorry," Hera replies quietly.
I shake my head, closing my eyes again. "I just don't wanna lose anyone else."
"I didn't mean to bring you into danger."
"I just hope we can get your parents back."
"Me too."
I throw a glance at her, biting my lip. I want to help her, had wanted to help her, and it wasn't really until I realized Crosshair was here that I got... carried away. Hera deserves better. (So does he.) "I'm sorry for being... ugh. Annoying. Or mean. Or whatever." I have no idea how to apologize.
"It's okay," Hera assures.
I don't believe it. Don't really think she has any idea what she's asking of us, either, but there's nothing else we can do. Helping Hera is the right choice, even if everything that comes with it is... hard. "What do we do?" I ask, shifting and sprawling on the gunner's mount, dangling my arms over the edge.
Hunter's giving me one of those stop-it-before-you-give-me-a-heart-attack looks, but considering the circumstances, I think I'm entitled to have a bit of fun.
Just to not think about what I know is about to happen.
**w**
The glorious planning turns out to be not so glorious when Chopper realizes too late that he can't disable the cannons, only to immediately get caught.
"Guess that wasn't such a good plan," I grumble, lowering my macrobinoculars.
"We have to help Chopper," Hera says. She's panicking, and I don't blame her. He's all she has left right now.
"Yeah," I agree, crawling back from the edge. I'm not so good at figuring things out on my own. Maybe it's just that I don't trust myself anymore.
"We will," Omega assures, "But first, we need to take the console offline."
"Uh, how are we going to do that?"
"With one of those," my sister replies, pointing, "You said you wanted to be a pilot, right?"
"... yeah?" Hera answers warily.
"Well, come on," Omega says, standing.
"We've never stolen a ship before," I interject, finally catching on, "This is gonna be fun." I'm still a little nervous, though. We're going head-on into an Imperial base, and I have no idea where Crosshair is. If he's here... I'll deal with it, but that doesn't mean I want to see him alone. Better me than the others, I suppose. I can deal with it.
Can't deal with someone ending up dead, though.
I – I understand the risky gamble we're taking, and it scares me.
"My parents would never approve of this plan," Hera mutters as we take cover beneath a shuttle.
"I won't tell if you won't," Omega supplies.
I have to bite back the snarky remark that there's a high chance we won't even get them out, but I hold it back, because that's not helpful. "Assuming we get 'em," I mutter, and both heads swivel around to look at me. Hera in half-horror, and Omega in a glare.
"We'll get them out!" she insists stubbornly, and I bite my lip.
"I'm not trynna be contrary," I argue, peaking out as I see someone walking past. "I'm bein' real. We got the galaxy's best sniper up against us, so excuse me if I'm a bit pessimistic."
I don't really think she liked me wording it like that, but how else am I supposed to say it? I'm not gonna lie to her because she doesn't want the truth.
We take off from there, making for the shuttle. The lift turns on automatically once we step on it, taking us up. Hera jumps into the pilot's seat, Omega takes the co-pilot, and I take the back.
"Sure I can't fly?" I ask, but I don't want to bug if Omega wants to do this.
"Do you want to?" she asks, turning to look at me, and I shrug.
"Doesn't matter." I haven't practiced anyway. Tech won't let me, and if I tried, I'd probably end up, well, a little bit crispy.
"Omega, has Chopper deactivated the perimeter cannons?" Tech's voice crackles over the comm.
"Never mind," I say, settling back, "You do the honors. Have fun. I'll just be useless back here."
"No, but Hera, Vision, and I are working on it," Omega replies into her comm – the one Hunter had to get for her after the bounty hunter murdered Crosshair's, so no grappling hook for me for a while – "Just don't shoot down our shuttle."
"Wait. What shuttle?" Tech asks, immediately alarmed.
"The one we stole," I chirp, "You're welcome. Stealing from the Empire is a lot more fulfilling than anything else. We should try it more often."
"I do not believe that to be advisable."
"That's because no one likes my advice," I snip back, even if it does genuinely hurt. Maybe I'm just being a drama queen and whining about nothing at all, but I swear it feels like no one takes me seriously, no matter what's happening.
'mega –
There's a bunch of explosions from outside, along with Hera-freaking-out sounds as she nearly runs a bunch of people over. Hera lowers the ramp, and I wave at Chopper when he flies in.
"I am registering multiple explosions near the refinery," Tech says.
"That was us," Omega chirps, "Cannons are down."
"You're welcome," I add grumpily, settling back in a seat I steal. Literally, heh heh.
And for fun, well, Hera's having plenty. That's – that's okay. She deserves it. They both do.
Chopper rolls up to me, sort of just staring, and I stare back.
"Hey," I offer finally.
He beeps back something that sounds similar.
"Sorry for being mean earlier," I supply.
He beeps back what I think is an even snarkier response, and I raise an eyebrow at him. "What, you don't like apologizes?"
I think that beep is a no. It sounded vaguely humanoid.
"Huh. Fine. I'm glad I was being mean earlier. That better?"
"We're getting the hang of this," Hera yells gleefully up front.
"Yes, your dangerous and uncontrolled maneuvering is as confusing to them as it is to us," Tech gripes.
Just wait until he sees me fly.
**w**
I could almost cry in relief when I hear Hunter's voice over the comm. I didn't realize how terrified I was until after. I was so, so scared something would happen to him.
The ships land together on the same moon of Ryloth that we delivered the weapons on in the first place, where this all started. I run up to him the moment the ramps are down – Hera's practically glued herself to Tech to see something he's showing her and Omega.
"You okay?" I ask, throwing my arms around Hunter's waist.
"We're fine," he answers, but his helmet's on, and I can hear how dead he sounds.
I pull back, frowning. "Did... you see him?"
"Yeah," Hunter admits, "Briefly, but we're okay. We were already on the way out."
No cliff-falling situations. He's okay. I almost want to cry, but I bite my lip, backing away. I still wish we could've gone after him.
I hover in the background, half listening as Tech goes on a long ramble about scrambling a ship's signature. Hera's hanging on every last word, but most of it goes over my head.
Her mother calls her to leave, and that's the first moment I realize we're probably never going to see each other again. This is why I don't want anyone except my family. At least them I know will never just leave. We stick together.
"Well, copilots, we didn't do too bad," Hera offers, turning back to us.
"Do you have to go?" Omega asks dejectedly.
"For now, but I'm sure I'll see you around," Hera assures. I don't know that I believe it, but somehow, I think we will. Eventually. She'll be... important to us somehow.
I don't really know what to say to her. "Be careful," I request.
"You too," Hera agrees, "And keep an eye on your brothers. They need it."
"We will," Omega promises.
Hera pulls us into a hug, and I haven't had a group-hug with anyone in about forever, but it feels nice. "Thanks," she adds, "For believing in me."
"Think I should've a little more," I say into her shoulder. Her head-thingies look even cooler up-close.
"I hope you find your brother," Hera supplies when we step back, squeezing my hand.
I just nod, tears stinging my eyes, not trusting myself to talk. "Me too."
Hera boards the shuttle, Chopper right behind. Omega and I wave to her, and Hera returns it, until the shuttle lifts off out of view. I'm gonna miss her, and nothing can deny the sudden emptiness crushing my chest again.
We follow Hunter onto the Marauder again. Wrecker turns to me the moment he catches sight of me again. I reach for him, and Wrecker takes my unspoken request instantly, scooping me into his arms.
"I'm not good with people," I say flatly, hooking my arms around his neck. "I'm actually very, very bad with people," I mumble into his shoulder. "I'm bad at, well, pretty much everything, but especially people."
"No, you're not," he argues, sitting in one of the seats in the back, me curled up in his lap, facing him. "You're good at a lotta things."
I'm a nuisance, actually, and it's no wonder Hunter was so willing to get rid of me earlier when that was a question. I shake my head mutely.
I hear the ship taking off, and movement, but I don't look up. It's not until everything is quiet again that I keep talking.
"Y'know the... Bracca," I supply, "What happened there. I care more about losing you than trying to help." That's – that's what 'mega was made for. I don't know. It's confusing. I was going to talk to Crosshair about... well, everything, once, but that was long ago. They left before I even got a chance to. Then the Empire happened, and everything changed. "I don't trust myself not to hurt anyone."
"It wasn't your fault, kid."
"Feels like it was. Don't think it'll ever stop."
"I could've killed ya, too," Wrecker reminds.
"Yeah, but it's still different. I knew what I was doing. I could fight. She – she couldn't." She could've stabbed me when she threw my knife at me. She wouldn't have been able to stop herself. I don't know how Omega got the aim right, but we're all lucky she did.
(I'm ignoring the dark, little voice in my mind that questions that. It can shut up. I'm perfectly okay with being here, thank you very much.)
"But your chip's out now," Wrecker assures, patting my head.
I nuzzle my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes and breathing in and out. "I'll be okay. I just..."
I need time.
I need Crosshair back.
And that feels so hopelessly out of reach, but I can only cling to the hopes that I Saw him with us. We'll be fine.
I have to believe that.
**w**
We're in hyperspace and Hunter calls it bedtime before I find myself alone with Omega again. "I don't want to talk," I say, picking up the picture of our brothers and holding it tightly.
"That's okay," Omega supplies quietly. She pulls Lula into her arms, curling up in a little ball of misery. We used to sleep right here, snuggled together, and now, it feels like everything's changed. "But... are you okay?" As if I wasn't the one who made her cry.
"Hunter's right." I point out bluntly, "If we keep trynna help everyone, someone's gonna end up dead. I'm not willing to lose anyone else."
I rest my forehead on the rim of our brothers' picture. I miss them. I remember taking this, and I want to cry just thinking about it. I just want Crosshair back, and it only helps so far to know that every single one of us feels the same. Even Echo misses him. I – I think Tech might, too, but I'd hafta ask.
"We'll find a way to get him back," Omega offers.
I – I want to believe it, and maybe I do, but I just can't.
"It took years for us to get back, too."
"I am not waiting years to get our brother back," I snap, biting my lip to hold it back. I want to scream. And there's nothing anyone can say about it that will make it stop hurting. It doesn't change that Crosshair is there, alone, lost, and there's nothing we can do to help. It's something over our heads, and that feels so wrong, because Hunter always knows what to do, and this time, not even he can do anything.
"There has to be something we can do."
I just shake my head, so I don't snap again, flicking the picture on. The screen lights up with the eye-assaulting whiteness of Kamino, but I hardly see it through my tears. I've cried so much today that my eyes sting and burn from it, but I can't even care. Crosshair deserves to be missed. He – he was everything to us. He used to be the youngest, before they got me, and we changed a lot since then. All of us would've done anything to protect him, because he's the youngest and he's – he's not what I am. He's not annoying. He's not a burden. He's not meant to help everyone else. He's just him.
I nearly jump when Omega's arm loops around my shoulders, pulling me against her side. We haven't hugged in – well, it's actually been quite a while, now that I think about it. Didn't used to be. We've changed, too, and I don't like it. We have no reason to grow apart now that we're with our brothers.
"I'm sorry," I mumble, shifting up against her. Don't know what else to say. "Hera needed our help. I'm just selfish."
"Nala Se always told me to help people," Omega supplies, "I can't imagine being anything else."
It hurts, and it's hard, but it's Omega, and I'll – I'll deal with it because of her, no matter how hard to impossible it is. I know something's going to happen to Hunter, and there's nothing I can do except just... deal with it.
I hate this. I hate having to know, to constantly fear what's about to happen and be so helpless.
"That's okay," I say finally, "I... you knew him better than I ever could. I shouldn't've said that."
"It's okay," she promises, running a hand through my hair, and I lean into her touch and warmth. I wish I could believe it was.
That night, I don't dream, and I know what it means.
We aren't going to find Crosshair. He's going to find us, and I'm terrified for when he does.
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