Chapter Eight:

Call Out The Guards


OnyxKing's heart had been thumping intensely with each second he'd been in Hal Monitor's custody. But, now that he was safe, and as Grasshopper was carrying the YouTuber to safety, OnyxKing's heart rate had settled to a reasonable level. Thank goodness the gang had a superhero on their side, now OnyxKing could resume his journey to find the guy he needed.

"I saw the car chase while I was flying around." Grasshopper said to OnyxKing, "And, once Mario called me up, I already knew what to do."

"And you got there just in time, Elena." OnyxKing replied, "Oh, man. I can't wait to see the look on stupid Lawyer SMG4's face when he finds out that Hal Monitor got kicked in the face by a woman wearing a Tennanite super-suit, it's so funny that his cast doesn't have a superhero character in the show, and I'm not even talking about Marvel or DC characters."

Just then, an explosion lit up the sky, and Grasshopper yelped as she swerved hard. OnyxKing burped and clung to the superhero nervously, right before another explosion went off. Grasshopper dove down, avoiding another explosion, and the two of them swooped towards the countryside below.

The explosions settled for a time, and both OnyxKing, and Grasshopper looked around. Hal Monitor hadn't regained consciousness already, so the explosions couldn't have been his doing. Just then, the unmistakable grinding sound of churning tank treads filled OnyxKing's ears, and his eyes went wide.

Grasshopper spun her suit's wings, and hovered a little higher, then she maneuvered around, and the duo spotted a tank coming right for them. Had that thing been in the area this whole time, and was it patrolling the vicinity around the prison?

Wait, who assigned a tank crew to guard a prison facility?

The gun was aimed right at Grasshopper, and OnyxKing, and the tank rolled closer. Grasshopper coughed, and OnyxKing nodded to her, knowing they had to get the heck out of here. They took flight with Grasshopper holding onto the YouTuber as best she could, flying through the countryside of the Mushroom Kingdom, right before the tank opened fire again.

An explosion tore at a large mushroom, and Grasshopper swerved. OnyxKing yelped, worried that he would fall out of his rescuer/friend's arms. Just then, the sound of churning tank treads got louder, letting the two of them know that the tank was giving chase.

"WHAT DID WE DO TO TICK OFF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM'S MILITARY?!" OnyxKing exclaimed, "COPS DON'T USE TANKS!"

"The Mushroom Kingdom Armed Forces wasn't given the job to hunt down people like us." Grasshopper said, "I've been paying attention to updates on the army on social media..."

"...And, obviously, the military isn't tasked with hunting down criminals unless they're terrorists or dangerous war criminals." OnyxKing remarked, "However, to send out a tank after a convict is just taking things to the extreme. SMG4 sent Hal Monitor to arrest me, and... wait a second..."

BOOM! Grasshopper flew to a higher altitude, narrowly avoiding the next attack from the tank. And that was when OnyxKing pieced it together, his face lit up, and he realized why they were dealing with a tank.

He knew who was coming after them now, and he didn't even think about it before, but this was the most ludicrous scenario within his current scenario that he'd ever experienced.

"Grasshopper, get closer to the tank!" OnyxKing exclaimed.

"OnyxKing, are you crazy?!" Grasshopper protested, "It'll blow us to bits!"

"We can't run forever, and I know who's in that tank."

Grasshopper obliged with her friend's wish, and did a U-turn, heading right towards the tank. The feminine superhero flew closer, and the tank's gun rotated, aiming at the duo.

OnyxKing looked at the mobile piece of military hardware, and yelled down at it, "HEY, WHAT SORT OF GUARD DRIVES A TANK AFTER SOMEONE WHO ESCAPED FROM A PRISON THAT ISN'T OWNED BY THE MILITARY?!"

He looked at Grasshopper, and the Machinist nodded to her, and the attractive Elena 'Grasshopper' Dusk nodded back. Grasshopper flew circles around the tank, which didn't open fire on them, and OnyxKing shouted once again, "GET OUT THERE RIGHT NOW, YOU INCOMPETENT GOLDENEYE N64 NPC'S FOR SOLDIERS, YOU HAVE TO BE THE STUPIDEST PEOPLE EVER!"

The tank engines slowed, and the tank halted. The hatch opened, and a man with brown hair and a brown mustache clad in a gray suit with a blue tie made his appearance.

"Dude, that really hurt." Swagmaster6969696969 said, "And being yelled at like that isn't fun."

Moments later, the second hatch opened up, and a bearded man with a scarred eye in arctic commando gear rose up from the tank; Chris Gordman, Swagmaster's associate, and the only sane man in the duo.

"In fairness, that was the weakest insult I'd ever heard." Chris told OnyxKing, "Plus, I'm usually the one who berates Swag for being stupid, while the both of us often get yelled at by whomever is our boss."

"Hey, Chris. Do you find it funny that a female superhero with boobies is holding OnyxKing in her arms?" Swag asked.

"Don't be a pervert, Swag!" Chris snapped at the guard.

"No, don't be a dimwit!"

"Shut up, you're the dimwit, you dimwit!" Chris glared at Swag, "And you've already proven to be a dimwit despite being capable of driving and shooting at people, while I'm level-headed and have more brain cells than the likes of you. I bet you never went to school, hence why you're so dumb, and you're hardly the funny one over eight times out of ten."

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I WAS CALLED THE FUNNIEST DUDE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND ALL THE STUDENTS RESPECTED ME!" Swagmaster suddenly bellowed, "AND I CAN GIVE YOU A MILLION REASONS WHY YOU SUCK AND TELL YOU THE REASON YOU SUCK RIGHT NOW, BRO! I AM FUNNY AND COOL, AND I'M THE FUNNIEST COOL GUY ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH! Don't make me slap you."

Grasshopper stifled a giggle.

"You're really not all that special..." OnyxKing told Swag, "…and I bet you don't know that you're actually the Russian Kommandant mixed with a St. Petersburg Guard with the former's head slapped onto the body of the ladder. And Chris is an Arctic Commando."

"HEY!" Swag and Chris yelled.

"OnyxKing, what are you doing?" Grasshopper asked through gritted teeth.

"What do you mean I'm a Kommandant-Guard hybrid?!" Swag demanded, "Was that an insult or a compliment?! Wait, if I'm part-Russian Kommandant..." His face lit up with near glee, "THEN THAT MEANS I HAVE AUTHORITY OVER CHRIS!"

Chris face-palmed, unable to believe what was happening. "Why did SMG4 hire us to go after OnyxKing, and why did I have to commandeer a tank with this idiot?" The guard groaned.

Swag coughed, then he spoke... in his least commanding voice of all time; "Christopher Gordman, I, Commandant Swagmaster69696969696969696969696969696969696969696969, relieve you of all responsibilities of babysitting and guard duty, and I order you to take a hike. You are fired for being the least intelligent, and you have ten seconds to exit the tank before I shoot you."

Chris glared at Swag with clenched fists, "I'll let you know you're the least intelligent enough to be a commander."

Swag pulled out a gun and pointed it at his associate.

"SHUT UP, CHRIS!" He shouted, "You've just been relieved of all duties, and you have no authority over your commander. I'm the top soldier, you are an underdog, you just don't have enough swag like Kommandant Swag."

Chris gave his comrade the middle finger, and Swag lunged at him, resulting in the two guards squabbling and scuffling in the tank. Grasshopper pulled out a sound grenade, and dumped it into one of the hatches, then she and OnyxKing67 flew away as the two guards continued to fight.

Then the sound grenade neared its detonation cycle, and let off a beep inside the tank.

"GTFO!" Swag exclaimed.

The two guards scrambled out of the tank, and ran for cover, right before the grenade went off, and the tank was decimated by the ensuing blast. Swag dropped to his knees, eyes wide with horror, and he proclaimed, "MY PRECIOUS TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!"

"Looks like we're beyond screwed when SMG4 learns of this..." Chris remarked.

"Screwed on Soccer Saturday, LOL!" Swag quipped, greatly annoying Chris again as he face-palmed. Once Lawyer SMG4 got wind of what had happened, he was certainly going to be displeased with the two guards for their incompetence...