Chapter Thirty
When the sun was setting in the sky and the light was fading, Gabby finally made her way to Alexis' burial site. She stood on the pathway at the foot of her girlfriends grave and simply stared for a while at the engraved marble headstone. It still felt so surreal. Her mind flashed back to that night and Gabby shuddered. Alexis had looked so afraid when she found her, but she'd managed to find the last of her inner fortitude when she had seen her. The woman knew she was dying but still she smiled.
Gabby knelt down and just like in her dream she picked up a handful of fresh dirt and let it squeeze through her fingers. She hated that the last real moments she'd spent with Alexis were angry ones, because she refused to count her girlfriend dying in her arms as a moment. Being there to help ease her first love into the next realm wasn't a moment she wanted to think about at all. All she could think about was the look on Alexis' face when her fist had almost connected with it. The shame of that night, a night which she only made worse by sleeping with Maura, had settled in the pit of her stomach the night Alexis died and each day it had grown and grown, until it reached the place it was at now. All encompassing, like a dark cloud wrapping around her soul and squeezing tightly until she couldn't breathe.
"I'm so sorry," she choked out, dropping her second knee so that both were now on the ground. "I was always destined to break your heart. You deserved so much better Alex. I hope you can forgive me for all the heartache I brought to your life."
Gabby looked around, the sense of deja vu from her dream hitting her hard. She was half expecting a ghost to appear behind her, but Rachael didn't show. There was a part of Gabby disappointed by that. As much as she hated her deceased best friend for betraying her like she did, she missed her, she needed her. "I dunno if you're listening Rache, but if you are, do me a solid. Make sure Alex is all good up there, alright?"
Gabby continued to sit there on her knees in silence for a few more minutes, just trying to wrap her head around her new cold reality. She was alone. There were people, but they weren't people she wanted in her life anymore. Melissa had Jane now and there was no place in her life she fit and then there was Maura. God, she had messed that up, spurred on by that fucking nightmare of a dream. Why the Hell did she think it would be a good idea to try and convince her heartbroken best friend that they belonged together? She'd completely ruined that relationship, but perhaps it was for the best. Because the only person Melissa and Alexis had in common was herself. Perhaps she was the centre of all of this. Perhaps they would all be better off if she were gone.
Gabby finally climbed to her feet and dusted her knees off. Her face was set with a grim look, her mind settled. She would catch the person responsible for the death and destruction in her life, or die trying. She already knew the first place to start, with Jane. She had all the information on the working theories, and investigating Alexis' murder was coming up with nothing, so it was time to go back and look at the attempted murder of Melissa in 2005. "I will avenge you, Alex. Mark my words."
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
Gabby tensed up, but relaxed when she felt the familiar hand slide into her own. She squeezed the hand and turned her head just enough so she could see blonde hair flowing in the wind. "I didn't think you'd be here."
"A promise, is a promise." Maura said softly. "Revenge won't ease the pain in your heart Darling, it will only fuel it."
Gabby didn't care. She'd take that fuel if it got her through each day, because without it, what was left for her? She swallowed those thoughts though and gave Maura's hand a soft squeeze, lightening her voice as best as she could she said, "Yeah, you're right. But did you really have to quote Confucius to me?"
Maura's smile was radiant, and her eyes lit up in such a way that for a moment the butterflies in Gabby's stomach returned and she felt the dark cloud around her ease back just enough that she could breathe. "I wasn't aware you were familiar with Confucianism."
Gabby smiled, and she hoped it reached her eyes. "I'm a woman of many mysteries, Maura. You should know that."
"Oh I am very aware, you still surprise me sometimes."
She let her hand slip away from Maura's and started to head back towards the carpark. She wanted to hold onto her anger, and it was hard to do standing there holding Maura's hand looking at her radiance. It also only increased the guilt and shame she felt for feeling the way she did. She had brought Alexis back into her life and the woman paid the ultimate cost. Alexis hadn't even been buried a day and yet she was pining after another woman; Alexis deserved so much better.
Gabby heard Maura's footsteps as she followed her and let out a heavy sigh. She hated herself, because all she wanted was to go home with Maura and seek comfort in her presence. Well she wanted a lot more than that, but she knew better than to look for it. Maura had made herself perfectly clear this morning. It was a lot easier focusing on revenge. When she made it to her Triton she turned and looked at Maura, "Thanks for being here, but I think I'm going to head home."
"Gabby, please."
It never ceased to amaze her how much emotion Maura could convey just by saying her name. The concern in her best friend's voice was palpable. Could she even call Maura her best friend anymore? Yes she was there for her, but for how long? How long until she found a way to infect this relationship too? Gabby shook her head, "I can't do this Maura. I can't walk this line of being so close to you and so far when all I wanna do is take you into my arms and never let you go. I can't do this. Just let me go."
Maura closed her eyes and squeezed away tears, before opening them, nodding and taking a step back. Her arms wrapped around her middle and her sadness was rolling off of her in waves that Gabby could practically feel. Gabby turned and braced one hand against her vehicle, while pounding it several times with the other. Hurt rolled through her body. She couldn't handle being the cause of Maura's heartache too, it was too much. "I'm sorry Maura," she ripped open the door, got inside her vehicle and sped off.
Melissa sat at the dining table, carefully reading every page of the legal documents in front of her. Kelly certainly wasn't pulling punches, not only was she filing for divorce but she was actually looking for a financial settlement too. Melissa picked up her mug of Milo, which had long lost its steaming hotness and took a huge mouthful of the lukewarm liquid. Her eyes never left the papers, even as she turned the page and set her mug back down out of the way.
She didn't feel any sadness, but she did feel a lot of guilt. Even though she had warned Kelly from day one that their relationship wasn't meant to be serious, she had inevitably fallen into more and unintentionally led Kelly on. Kelly had every right to feel angry and hurt. Though Melissa wasn't sure she had any right to be asking for so much of her inheritance from when she was six years old. She had half a mind to give it to her so that this could be over and done with quickly. Kelly deserved her freedom and she just wanted to move on from that chapter in her life.
Melissa was staring at the page with all the numbers on it when Jane returned from the other room. She felt hands press against each shoulder and Jane's lips press against the top of her head. "What are you doing?"
"Just figuring out whether I should sign these documents or attempt to negotiate."
"Negotiate?" Jane questioned, before silence engulfed the room. Melissa suspected Jane was actually taking her time to read the page in front of them. She didn't mind, she had nothing to hide, but she was waiting for the inevitable conversation that was going to follow. "That's a lot of zeros."
Melissa initially remained quiet, waiting for the meaning of that observation to sink into Jane's beautiful head. It didn't take long, because Jane moved from her position draped around her body to pulling a seat out opposite her, assumedly so they could make eye contact while they talked. "Yes, it is."
"I didn't realise professional softball paid that well."
"Oh it doesn't. I was paid approximately 25k a season for the two seasons I was there."
Jane's eyes dropped back to the papers in front of her for a long moment before she looked back up a little confused, "Then why the Hell is she asking for two million dollars?"
It was time to have the conversation. Melissa cleared her throat and said, "Because I'm worth about five times that." She could see Jane doing the calculation in her head and then it was quite comical the face Jane pulled. She looked shocked, which Melissa couldn't blame her. She didn't exactly flaunt her wealth and it wasn't something she boasted about and it wasn't something she particularly looked to tell anyone about at all actually, but Jane was her future and that meant her wealth was Jane's too. Or at least one day it would be if all things went well. She hoped they did. "Most of it is inheritance. The rest from wise investments."
Jane glanced around the house and back to her, "I did think it was strange the quality of furniture and the size of your music collection given your work history. I just never got around to asking." Jane paused, let out a long low whistle and then finished sharing the thoughts in her brain, " Wow. So, you're worth a fair bit then."
"Yes."
"So then why do you live here? This place is small and next to a church, a school and on a busy road. It doesn't exactly scream an idyllic location."
Melissa picked up her mug and held it in front of her mouth to buy herself some time to think. She had her reasons and she would share those, she was just a little thrown that Jane seemed to care at all. Jane came from a blue collar family, she understood struggle town and still didn't like wasting money when she had access to Maura's. So the question itself seemed out of character and it bothered Melissa just a touch. "Because this is where I grew up, Jane. When we were old enough to fend for ourselves, the Taylors wanted to sell this house and retire to Queensland. I didn't want to leave this house and I finally had access to my family trust, so I bought it from them."
Melissa realised her tone must have been a little terser than she intended because Jane's features softened quickly and she reached out for her hand across the table, which she gave. "I'm sorry, Missy. That was insensitive the way that came out. I think I'm just thrown."
"That's fair."
Jane smiled softly and squeezed her hand. "I think it's awesome that you wanted to keep your childhood home. I wish my parents didn't have to sell mine because of how bad business got before Pop ran off to Florida."
That response was just one of the reasons Melissa loved Jane. She understood what mattered. It wasn't the money behind it all. It was the memories. "I'm sorry that you lost your family home, Jane."
Jane looked a little melancholy, but she shrugged and said, "It could be worse. I could have lost my family."
Melissa could simply tell from Jane's tone and the look in her eyes that her comment was both a genuine baseline reflection, but also her understanding entirely the impact the loss of her parents and Rachael and perhaps even to some extent Gabby, had on her psyche. Moments like this left Melissa thanking a God she didn't believe in for the gift of Jane Rizzoli in her life. There was just one more thing she needed to clear up though. "I hope you understand I wasn't going out of my way to hide this from you. I just don't view money as something that should be flaunted and..."
"And your money is your business, Missy. You don't have to apologise for that at all." Jane interrupted firmly, her eyes dropping back to the papers that started this entire conversation. "Because clearly, even people who tell you they love you can come looking for a payday."
"I think I should just agree to it. I don't want this dragging on. I don't want to have to return to Chicago to bang this out in the courts either."
"It's your money," Jane reiterated, "But I think you're making a mistake. She's taking advantage of the situation Missy. Now I get that she says she's in love with you, and she wanted to make it all real and official and all of that. But this was a marriage of convenience. She doesn't deserve a Goddamned cent."
Jane sounded angry, and Melissa felt that she was righteous in doing so. Her girlfriend clearly just wanted to ensure she didn't allow herself to be taken advantage of, which Kelly was quite clearly trying to do. The desire to just be done with it all was still very strong, but out of respect for Jane she decided to take a little time to consider her options. "I'll think about it."
Jane smiled and squeezed her hand again. "That's all I ask."
Melissa put the papers back into their envelope and took her cold milo into the kitchenette and poured what was left down the sink before rinsing out the mug and putting it into the dishwasher. When she walked back through to the dining room, Jane was standing waiting for her and she walked right into her arms and relaxed into the hug Jane gave her. She breathed in Jane's scent and let it soothe her. It still felt quite surreal to finally be with the woman she loved, no doubts, no fears, just a genuine hope for the future. She pressed a couple of soft kisses against Jane's cheek and asked, "Hey, who was at the door earlier?"
"Gabby, she can't work on the active case, so she wanted all the information I had on what happened in 2005."
Melissa stepped back to arms length and searched Jane's eyes. "How did she seem to you?"
"Focused, determined. Quite frankly If it weren't for that I wouldn't have told her anything. But I got the sense she needed this right now."
Melissa nodded slowly, her thoughts couldn't help but circle back around to the conversation she had shared with Maura earlier in the day. It didn't make sense that Gabby would be focused, not after being rejected while in the midst of her grief. She got a really bad feeling about this.
Jane apparently could sense her trepidation, "There's really not too much she can do with it. It's a pretty cold lead, as both people of interest are dead."
Melissa nodded. There was someone else she was worried about after the conversation she had today. That was going to take a little careful conversation to broach. "Come sit with me? I could do with some snuggle time."
Jane kissed her forehead and took her by the hand, "Of course Sweetheart."
The pair settled on the couch, with Melissa curled up next to Jane, her head resting just under her shoulder against her chest, while Jane's arm wrapped firmly around her body. They sat that way quietly for a few minutes while Melissa formulated the best way to bring up her conversation with Maura and how to express her concern in such a way as Jane would listen, without breaking the confidentiality she had promised.
Jane apparently had other things on her mind. "I've been thinking about our future and we definitely have to figure a few things out. Because I don't want to mess this up and everything has happened so fast."
"What's worrying you?"
"Our living arrangements." Jane admitted softly, while rubbing her hand up and down Melissa's arm. "I know that temporarily it sort of made sense, but how do you feel about us living together? It's usually a pretty big step in a relationship and I know that in some ways this has been coming for three years, but I just, I don't want you to feel pressured or like you aren't entitled to room to breathe."
Melissa let out a small sigh of relief as her mind was prepared to start running away with itself, but this topic was a safe one. It was logical and made sense that they do take the time to talk about it. Her stance hadn't changed once, she wanted Jane in her home, on some level even felt like she needed it, but she was also more than aware that she may well be getting ahead of herself. Jane may still need the separation and the independence, having just left a long term relationship. "I don't feel pressured Jane. I love having you here and if it were up to me you wouldn't leave. However, if you wanted to get your own place so that you have room to breathe, I wouldn't blame you."
"It isn't necessarily that I want to leave. I just don't want to risk anything coming between us."
Melissa shifted her body around so that she was straddling Jane's lap. She needed to see her eyes for this, she needed to make sure there wasn't anything hidden behind them. She ran her hands through Jane's hair, before taking a moment to cup her girlfriend's cheeks in the palms of her hands. She used her thumbs to stroke Jane's face tenderly, "The only way anything comes between us is if we let it Jane."
A world of hurt flashed through Jane's eyes and Melissa realised there was a lot more going on in her girlfriend's head than she first thought. Jane gently stroked her cheek with the back of her hand before her hand slowly slipped down her jaw, stopping at the scar on her neck. Jane's hand wrapped around the back of her neck so that her thumb rubbed directly over the scar. Tears welled in Jane's eyes and Melissa's heart broke a little. "Stop it, stop blaming yourself for that night."
"I could have lost you." Jane said, her voice extra low and raspy, emotion clearly caught in her throat.
Melissa hated the look she saw in Jane's eyes. She hated the pain she was in. It felt like no matter how many times she told her that it wasn't her fault she found new ways to blame herself. It was a very powerful reminder of the psychopathic cloud that hovered over their heads. They found moments where they forgot about his existence, but eventually one or both of their minds would circle back around to him. In this moment in time the fear he stoked within them clearly had its hand wrapped tightly around Jane's throat. She couldn't abide that.
"But you didn't. I'm here, with you."
Jane's eyes appeared to search her own as much as she had been searching hers. "But at what cost?"
Jane's need to carry every single burden would drown her if she kept doing it. It worried Melissa greatly, she knew she had to break Jane of that habit, because she would end up falling back down into the depths of the bottle if she didn't. Their lives were complicated and messy and there were far too many burdens for any one person to carry alone. "I'm here, with you." She repeated, "Would I have liked for us to get our shit together three years ago? Yeah. Would I have liked to have skipped a lot of what I've been through? Yeah. But if the price was us now? Then no. I'd do it all again. Because I wasn't ready Jane. If I was, I would have never chosen Gabby that day. I would have chosen you."
Jane's eyes closed as fresh tears carved out a path around Melissa's hands. She leaned in and ghosted her lips across Jane's. She felt the hitch in Jane's breath as she paused and said, "You weren't ready."
Jane's lips nipped at Melissa's as she leaned forward to capture her lips completely. "I'm ready now," Jane shifted her grip entirely so that she could stand, picking Melissa up as she did so. "I'm not going anywhere."
Melissa opened her neck up for Jane as she wrapped herself around the woman. Jane found Melissa's neck as encouraged, kissing and suckling as she started moving them towards the bedroom. Desire coursed through Melissa's veins and she moaned, completely stimulated by the erogenous zone on her neck that Jane had latched onto. She could feel Jane's primal need as she carried her forward and Melissa was more than ready to spend the night wrapped in Jane's arms.
Unfortunately the doorbell rang out and Melissa let out a frustrated groan. She sighed, unhooked her legs from around Jane's waist and pulled back just enough to make eye contact with the clearly perturbed American. "Later, " she promised. "Put me down."
Jane huffed, but did as she was asked. "This better be important," was all she said before disappearing into the dining room.
Melissa chuckled, took a moment to take a few deep breaths and compose herself. It was more likely to be Jehovah's Witnesses than anyone important, but she figured it best to keep that thought to herself. She walked down the hall, looked through the peephole of the new, recently installed heavy set front door and immediately her stomach dropped. She quickly unbolted the door and flung it open.
Maura stood there, one hand rubbing the other repeatedly with force. She had tears streaming down her face and she was shaking her head, opening her mouth to speak but nothing was coming out. Melissa thought that Maura had looked off that morning at the church, but this was something else entirely. Without thinking she reached out and took Maura by both hands, her eyes searching for an explanation. "Are you hurt? Did something happen to you?"
Maura stood there for several long seconds before shaking her head. "I'm not physically hurt."
Melissa was thankful for that, but a fresh concern settled in the pit of her stomach. If it wasn't physical it was undoubtedly Gabby related and clearly her ex-girlfriend had done a real number on the poor woman standing in front of her. She pulled Maura closer and wrapped her in a tight hug. "It's going to be okay," she cooed gently, just hoping to ease Maura's distress a notch. "Do you want me to get Jane?"
Maura's arms tightened around her back and she quietly sobbed, "Please don't."
"Okay, okay, I've got you." Melissa said softly, as she stepped out onto the front porch. With one arm still wrapped around Maura she used the other to pull the front door closed, "Let's just sit down on the steps here and you can tell me what happened. Okay? Does that sound good?"
Maura nodded and followed Melissa's lead as she gently eased the emotionally stricken woman down onto the front step. For the briefest moment Melissa considered that maybe she should actually buy a couple of chairs for the front porch, but that thought quickly disappeared with how tightly Maura clutched at her hand. "I take it you've caught up with Gabby then?"
Maura nodded, a fresh bout of tears sliding down her face. Melissa felt like a fish out of water. Maura was different to most people she knew. If this was Gabby or Monica or even Jane, she'd know what to do. This was like Twilight Zone level stuff. She just knew she had to try. Maura was vulnerable, there was no other option available. Because Maura's tightened hug had been more than enough evidence that getting Jane was out of the question right now.
Maura pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and said through hiccups of emotion, "Gabby, she… I think she walked away from our friendship."
That didn't sound like Gabby to Melissa at all. It had taken Gabby a long bloody time to even try and walk away from her, she was simply too loyal. Maura had to be mistaken. "Okay let's just rewind a little. Break it down for me, one step at a time."
"I waited for her to show up."
"How long did you wait?"
"She showed up an hour ago." Maura answered, dabbing at the tears on her face with the handkerchief.
Melissa did the calculation in her head and quickly realised that Maura must have waited for at least seven hours. It was impressive. Borderline insanity, but impressive nonetheless. It left her very worried for Maura though, a twinge of guilt sprung up in her gut knowing that it was partially her fault that Maura was this messed up. She tried to focus on the matter at hand. "And then what happened?"
"I gave her space to say her goodbyes and then when she looked ready to leave I joined her. It seemed like it went well, but then she headed for her vehicle."
Melissa gently rubbed Maura's back. "It's okay, take your time."
Maura looked directly at her in that moment and tilted her head slightly, "Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Melissa asked, matter-of-factly. It never occurred to her to be any other way. "You are one of the most important people in Jane's life. Everything else is irrelevant to me, Maura."
Maura hummed, before acknowledging, "I haven't always had kind words to say about you."
Melissa couldn't help the smile she cracked. She may not have outwardly said bad things about Maura, but she was human, she had thought them. "Maura, the difference between us in this particular scenario, is that I keep those thoughts to myself. You are refreshingly honest. I admire that and besides, I've more than earned your ire. But none of that comes into play here. You're hurting, that's all that matters. Everything else is just music floating on the wind."
Maura looked a little perplexed, before she eventually tucked her handkerchief away in her pocket. "I may have underestimated you, Melissa."
Melissa shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable with what felt like high praise coming from Maura. "I just want to help you, if I can. So continue, if you want to."
Maura nodded once and looked out towards the street, she looked like she was searching for something, Melissa hoped it would be clear soon. "She wanted to go home alone and I was worried it was a bad idea because I'd overheard her talking about vengeance. She uh… she told me it was too hard wanting to be so close to me, knowing that she couldn't just take me into her arms and not let go."
Melissa looked out toward the street herself, a multitude of conflicting thoughts and feelings bouncing around in her brain. Understanding Gabby meant she understood her ex-girlfriend was in a world of hurt. She felt rejected, probably felt very much adrift and alone. Melissa urgently wanted to speak to Gabby, but she'd been by the house, if she'd wanted to speak she would have. She clearly had other ideas in mind. Maura was the only person she could begin to help right now.
"She asked me to let her go," Maura said quietly, heartache clearly underlining her admittance.
Melissa's knee started bouncing with anxiety. Her desire to call Gabby was only increasing, she glanced sideways at Maura. She suspected she already knew the answer, but she had to know for sure. "Tell me you ignored that request, Maura. Tell me you tried to let her know she wasn't alone. Please tell me that."
The heartbreak in Maura's eyes when they met hers told Melissa all she needed to know, but still she waited for the words. "I couldn't. I can't be what she needs right now, Melissa."
Melissa jumped up and started pacing, the restlessness in her body too much to contain. Gabby was reeling and, Christ, she had a lead to chase down. Fuck, what was she going to do with that, feeling as grief stricken as she currently did? Losing Alexis and feeling like she wasn't enough for Maura on top of that? "I need to get Jane."
"Please don't."
"No, Maura. You have to talk to Jane. I can't do this right now. I want to, but this is Gabby, and she's hurting, feeling alone and deserted by the one person she thought had her back." Melissa's hands went to the back of her head as she turned and paced away once again.
"I didn't mean to do that. I… just…" Maura's voice trailed out, clearly she didn't know what to say to that.
Melissa stopped pacing, dropped her hands by her side and took a deep breath. She worked very hard to stay relaxed, realising that her own fear was interfering with her ability to communicate calmly. Maura wasn't the enemy, she was just a woman struggling, trying to pick up the pieces of a broken heart and her best friend had dropped an emotional nuclear bomb on her head and practically said fuck it and walked away. Gabby was just as responsible for her situation as Maura was, and Melissa kept reminding herself of that as she spoke quietly, "From my perspective, this is hitting you much harder than it should. We both know Gabby. She will chuck a tantrum, disappear for a while, but she always comes back. You know this. So I am asking you to really think about why this hurts so much and I'm telling you that what you need to help find clarity is to talk to Jane. Can you please do that for me, so that I can go check up on the woman we both care greatly about?"
At first Melissa thought Maura was going to burst into tears again, instead she simply nodded slowly. "I'll talk to Jane. Please, if you speak to Gabby, tell her that I…" Maura's voice trailed out and that was the problem right there. Maura's inability to accept her feelings for Gabby were a little more than friendly. At least, that was how Melissa felt about it.
"I'll let her know." Melissa said softly, "I'm going to get Jane now."
Melissa marched through the house, a woman on a mission. She found Jane in the kitchenette staring at the kettle. "Maura's out front. She's struggling with some stuff and I think it's time you guys have that talk."
"I'm sorry, what?" Jane looked at her a little perplexed.
Melissa resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. She knew Jane missed her best friend. She knew Jane needed to apologise. She knew Jane needed to have a serious conversation with Maura to help her move on and she knew Jane knew that too. This trepidation disguised as confusion was not going to fly, not tonight. "All that stuff you told me today, all the stuff you didn't tell me, everything you figured out about your heart, you need to tell her. Now."
Jane looked wide eyed at her and pointed at the kettle, "Can I at least finish making my drink first?"
"Jane Rizzoli, put on your big girl pants and get the fuck out there and comfort your best friend. She needs you."
Jane nodded once and pointed both hands in the direction of the front of the house, "I'm gonna go do that now, because that was just a little bit scary."
Melissa shooed her, waving her hands at Jane. "Go on, go." She followed after Jane who looked back over her shoulder a couple of times before walking very quickly towards the front door.
Once Jane walked out the front door Melissa took out her phone and walked back to the kitchenette with the intent to finish making Jane's drink for her. She called Gabby and held the phone under her ear as she used both hands to hold the mug and pour the boiling water from the kettle.
She really didn't expect Gabby to answer, but then she did. "Hey."
Gabby's voice was surprisingly soft and welcoming, Melissa didn't know what to make of it. It kind of deflated her momentum as she was half worried and half pissed off with Gabby for making Maura feel so bad. Every thought she had pre planned to say in her mind slipped away. She settled on a simple, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Maura's here."
"Oh?"
Melissa sensed a little distance, despite Gabby's calmness. It worried her, but she hoped by focusing on Maura she could draw the Gabby she knew out of her shell. "She's terrified that she's lost you."
Gabby sighed, but didn't say anything.
"Gabs, please tell me you didn't tell her you wouldn't ever leave her only to just walk away from her like this. Please tell me that isn't you right now."
There was a long silence before Gabby quietly said, "I just need time."
"So I can tell her that this isn't a forever thing, right? Because that woman needs you, Gabs."
"I know."
"Doesn't really answer my question, does it?" Melissa hated to press, but her gut was screaming at her that something was very off with this situation.
"I don't know."
Alarm bells were ringing in Melissa's head, so she shifted focus, trying to figure out what was going on. "Jane told me she gave you some leads. Are you following them up right now?"
"Nah. I'm just tired, Missy."
"Okay, you'll call me if anything changes, right? Anytime."
"Sure, Missy."
"Please, Gabby, just call me in the morning okay? Touch base? I'm worried about you."
There was silence on the line, before Gabby finally said, "I love you too, Kid."
Melissa let out a breath she didn't realise she had been holding. Gabby could at least understand her questions came from a place of love and she finally sounded a bit more like herself.
"Hey Missy?"
"Yeah?"
"Tell Maura I love her."
"She does love you too, you know."
"I know. Goodnight, Missy."
The line went dead before Melissa could say her goodnight, but considering the circumstances she felt like she'd gotten a lot more conversation than she could have ever imagined. There was still a lingering concern settling in the pit of her stomach, but she shook it off. Gabby knew she wasn't alone. She would be alright.
A cough caught her attention. Melissa turned to see Jane standing leaning against the doorway, with her arms folded across her chest. She pocketed her phone and lifted a challenging eyebrow in Jane's direction.
"That was Gabby?"
"Yeah."
"Is she alright?"
"Yeah."
"So, we're not gonna have any problems tonight?"
"Nah, she's headed to bed."
Jane nodded. "Alright." She pushed away from the doorway and motioned over her shoulder, "We're gonna go for a walk. Will you be alright here on your own?"
Charlie barked once and Jane's head swung around to look at him standing beside her. She turned back to Melissa and said, "It is creepy how much English that dog understands."
Melissa chuckled and walked over to Jane, running her hands along Jane's shoulders and smoothing out some crinkles in her shirt. "We'll be fine. Go. Get your friend back."
Jane kissed her softly and whispered, "Thank you."
When Jane had first walked out of the house it had been quickly apparent that Maura was out of sorts. She wasn't overly teary, but previous tear stains were clear as day on Maura's face in the security floodlight. Not to mention the look on her face just struck Jane as beaten down and tired. It wasn't a look she was used to seeing on Maura and of course the church next door's evening mass was just getting out. She could hear voices and car doors slamming. From experience she knew multiple people filed past the house as well, and it wasn't exactly a gay friendly church. The looks she'd received last week were obnoxiously toxic. She didn't want to subject Maura to that and so she had suggested they go for a walk. Thankfully she didn't receive any resistance to the suggestion and she had made sure to make it very clear that she really wanted to help before taking her leave to duck back inside and inform Melissa of their impending departure.
"Thank you for waiting," Jane said, offering her hand to help Maura up.
Maura accepted the hand offered and when she stood they spent a short moment just standing there hand in hand looking at one another. Maura's heartache wasn't hidden away and it forced Jane to swallow uncomfortably, before gently pulling her hand away. She motioned down the path with her hand and said, "After you."
Jane waited until they were half a block beyond the church before asking, "What's going on Maura?"
"Melissa didn't tell you?"
Jane's brows furrowed in confusion. "Didn't tell me what?"
"It's not important."
Jane sucked in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, reminding herself to be patient. She couldn't just expect Maura to open up to her like old times. Their relationship was different now, if they could even really claim to have one. "Well, I don't think you would end up on my doorstep in tears if this was just about me."
"No, I don't suppose I would." Maura admitted.
Jane paused in her tracks. If it wasn't about her, it was about Gabby. It had to be. "Did she hurt you?"
Maura stopped walking and swung on Jane fast and fierce, "Of course not. Why do you keep insisting she's so dangerous?"
Jane couldn't help the face she pulled and she knew Maura could see the incredulousness on her features because they were standing under a street lamp. "Stapler thrown at my head yesterday, for starters."
"You intimated she might hurt Melissa the night Alexis died. Why?"
Jane rubbed the back of her neck. She wanted to answer, but at the same time she wondered if she would simply be overstepping. Would she just be sowing seeds of doubt in Maura's mind about the one person she felt like she had left on her side? Was it worth it when not one of Gabby's violent outbursts in recent times had been directed at Maura? "It's complicated."
"Then uncomplicate it." Maura said tersely.
It was clear as day that Maura was looking to fight and Jane couldn't blame her. It was a lot easier to fight about this than talk about their failed relationship and the broken hearts that came along with it. "Do you really blame me for worrying Maura? She threw a punch at Alexis. She did a lot more than throw one punch at me. She threw Melissa into some lockers. She's spiralled after Alexis' death. You're practically the only person she spends any time with, which means you are in the line of fire if she snaps."
"Well you don't have to worry about that anymore," Maura snapped, her eyes flashing angrily. "I'm not yours to worry about!"
Ouch. The first shot fired hit home pretty hard. Jane shook her head repeatedly. "Is that what you think? You think because I'm with Missy that I won't worry about you? You are one of the most important people in my life Maura, it kills me that our relationship is in tatters."
"Well whose fault is that?" Maura spat back, refusing to back down from her indignant anger.
Jane's face crumpled, "Mine."
Apparently the truth was a powerful weapon because it deflated Maura's sails. She opened her mouth to follow up with what Jane assumed was her next angry accusation, but it never it never came. Jane stepped closer and placed her hands on Maura's shoulders. She ran her hands up and down her arms in an attempt to comfort the grieving woman. "I broke us, Maura. Me. Not you. You just loved me in your own way. All I could see were insecurities. I couldn't… I didn't want to see the truth."
"Jane…"
"You don't have to say anything," Jane said softly, in an attempt to convey her need to get all of it off of her chest. "You don't even have to forgive me, I just, please listen?"
Maura nodded once then slipped her arm in Jane's and guided her across the road, "Let's sit in the park. I'll listen to what you have to say."
Jane breathed a sigh of relief and walked arm in arm with Maura to a bench in Ockerby Gardens, using the time it took to try and formulate the best way to approach what needed to be communicated. She was fairly certain by the end that Maura's heartache would feel infinitely worse, but she hoped it would at least help her on her path to recovery and allow her to move on to find the happiness she deserved. Because nobody in her eyes deserved happiness more than Maura, it pained her heart that she couldn't deliver that for her friend. That she had become a source of agony, instead of a shelter in a storm. Maura might forgive her one day, but Jane wasn't so sure she'd ever be able to forgive herself.
Naturally Maura selected the same bench that Jane and Melissa had sat on the night everything really changed. The night three years ago when they were discussing their options moving forward given her need to go home to Boston. The kiss that followed, the 'I love you' that wasn't even needed because she felt it all in the kiss. How would their lives have been different if in that moment instead of being afraid of what she felt with that kiss, she embraced it? Instead of running away, getting drunk and landing on Maura's doorstep desperate to understand what felt so wrong. How different would it have been?
"Jane, are you alright?"
Jane turned to look at Maura and smiled sadly, "I was just thinking. This is where Missy and I were the night that she kissed me and I ran from the feeling."
It wasn't the easiest to see Maura in the moonlight, but as her eyes adjusted she could and she looked like she was thinking. Finally, Maura questioned, "The night you showed up at my door inebriated?"
Jane grimaced a little, because their entire trajectory changed that night. She may have been drunk, but she could still remember the ease with which Gabby and Maura moved around one another. She remembered the obvious love they had for one another. Jane shook her head sadly, she had really harpooned Maura's happiness that night. "Yeah, that's the night. We can move elsewhere if it makes you uncomfortable."
"It's just a bench Jane."
Yet somehow it felt like so much more. Jane smiled weakly and glanced away from Maura, her eyes falling onto one of the towering oak trees closer to the road. "I wish I'd handled that night differently."
Silence settled between them while those words had time to sink in for them both. Jane shifted uncomfortably, realising that as honest as she was trying to be, it was going to hurt them both.
"In what way?"
Trust Maura to ask the obvious. Jane had no doubt Maura knew exactly what she was referring to but was forcing her to voice it. Forcing her to own it. "I never should have asked you to kiss me that night. That wasn't fair to you. You were happy Maura, you can't convince me otherwise."
Long seconds ticked by before Maura responded, "I was happy yes, but, by no means was my relationship with Gabby perfect."
"No relationship is, Maura. You and I know that better than anyone."
"I wouldn't change that night, Jane. It helped open my eyes."
"It harpooned your relationship. It harpooned mine too. You remember after we kissed, you asked me if I was in love with Missy? I was… I am… I have been, this entire time." Jane glanced sideways, she owed Maura that much. The hurt on Maura's face was unmistakable and it cut Jane to the bone. "I'm not trying to hurt you or downplay what we had. I love you so much Maura, I really do, but…"
"You're not in love with me." Maura concluded sadly. "You haven't been for a long time. I missed it at first, I was just so happy with you, Jane that I didn't want to see it."
"I figured as much. You know, that you figured it out well and truly before I did. I'm so bad at understanding my feelings, Maura. I've been making a mess of them for years." Jane sighed and ran her hands through her hair before using them to cover her mouth for a few moments while she steadied herself to continue. "I was incredibly in love with you in Boston, but I was terrified of that. I couldn't possibly be gay. Ya know? What would my mother think? I just retreated into my shell and took what you gave me and it was enough. It was… nice."
"I think your mother would have loved it if you brought a doctor into the family." Maura said with a sad smile.
Jane smiled wistfully, nodding her agreement, "Yeah, you might be right."
"I don't think it would have worked in Boston, Jane. I wasn't ready. At no point did I see you as more than my best friend."
Jane reached out for Maura's hand and felt relief when she let her entwine their fingers. She squeezed gently, "I suppose you're right. I'm really sorry that our timing has been so messed up. I really did try to make it work with you."
Maura squeezed her hand back and quietly admitted, "I know you did. I know who you are, Jane Rizzoli. I've always known. Too stubborn and hard headed for your own good. I sent you to Chicago, in spite of myself. I honestly thought seeing her like that would click things into place in your heart and when you returned home I would have my answer."
"And then I came home, as clueless as ever and settled back into our life together."
"Yes, you did. I thought perhaps I had misread the situation and I relaxed, thankful that I didn't have to watch you leave me for another woman."
"I don't think I'd have had it in me to leave you, Maura." Jane admitted quietly.
"Which is precisely why I chose to set you free, even though you fought so hard against me. The moment Kelly showed up, everything changed. It may have been subtle to you, but to me it was loud and clear. You were scared, hurting, confused."
"I was jealous." Jane acknowledged, appreciating the courage it took for Maura to tell her side of things. "I told myself it was because I was protective. I refused to even consider the truth."
"Truth isn't always an easy medication to digest."
Jane cracked a smile, she couldn't help it. It was one of those moments, where despite looking so earnestly at her, that Maura had just absolutely massacred her sentence. "It's not an easy pill to swallow, Maura."
"Precisely, that's what I just said."
Jane leaned over and gently patted the hand entwined with her own. There were some things in life Jane hoped would never change and this was one of those things. A wave of melancholy washed over her body as she sat, thinking about the good times. Finally she shifted her eyes upwards from their hands to curious hazel eyes tinged with sadness. The conversation needed to continue, she needed to see it through. "Can I ask you something Maura?"
Maura nodded.
"When you left me, you mentioned the way I look at her as one of your reasons. I didn't realise I looked at her in any way other than that of friendship."
"What exactly is your question Jane?"
"From your perspective, what did the way I look at her say to you?" As soon as she asked Jane wanted to take it back, because the pain that flashed through Maura's eyes was almost unbearable.
"That she is the one you should marry."
"Maura, I…"
"You don't have to explain Jane. You weren't conscious of it. I know that, but in some ways that made it so much worse."
Jane physically deflated. Her shoulders dropped and she let go of Maura's hand. It was providing her with too much comfort and after Maura's last statement she didn't want that comfort. She didn't feel like she deserved it. She couldn't fathom how Maura was even speaking to her, let alone doing it calmly. "I don't know how you can even look at me right now."
Maura's hand came to rest on her knee and she quite calmly stated, "Because I love you Jane. I know there's probably a part of you that thinks I don't love you because in your mind I abandoned you, but that simply isn't true."
"Oh no, I get it. I was very angry for the first week, but I get it now. The only way you could truly honour your love for me, was to let me go."
Maura nodded once. "I hoped that I was wrong. I hoped that you would come back. I think a part of me still does."
In that instant Jane understood why Melissa was pushing her to talk to Maura. Because holding on to that hope would only lead to more pain. She gently covered the hand on her knee and met Maura's eyes once more, she knew what she was about to say was going to hurt, but it had to be said. "Maura, I understand that, I really do, but as your friend, I am telling you that you need to let me go. Our time is past. Holding onto that hope can only lead you down a path of more heartache and missed opportunities."
Maura was quiet for a while and Jane allowed her to sit with her thoughts. It wasn't easy, but it felt necessary. It couldn't be easy being told by the woman you love that she won't be coming back. It actually left Jane feeling sick to her stomach that her life choices had led them to this point.
"I still wouldn't change it."
"Huh? Jane was confused, with zero idea where Maura's thought process had taken her.
"I would rather have loved and lost you, Jane, than to have never loved you at all."
"Maura…"
Maura stood and placed a hand on Jane's shoulder, "It's alright Jane. Thank you for your honesty."
"You haven't lost me, Maura. I am still your friend."
Maura gently kissed her cheek before leaving a lingering kiss on her forehead. She stepped back and quietly said, "Perhaps in time, I'll find my way back to being yours too, Jane."
Gabby ended the call and tossed her phone onto the passenger side seat of her car. She wiped tears away from her face with the back of her hand and looked across the road at the flickering sign above the St Leonard's Pub. It was the establishment of choice for Van Diemen's Riders, Northern Tasmania's notorious bikie gang. A row of Harley Davidson's were parked out front of the establishment which was at the end of a main road, there weren't too many houses about and Gabby knew first hand that the security cameras were for show. They didn't work.
Gabby also knew that Todd Bertans, AKA Bertie, AKA Peter Bertans brother had taken over running the gang and she also knew that he liked to hang out at this pub, surrounded by his brothers of the road. It was not an establishment law enforcement ventured into voluntarily. The only people that went in there besides the bikies were the locals who knew to keep their eyes down and their mouths shut. If you didn't, you weren't heard of again.
Gabby opened the glove compartment and pulled her Colt out, she held it in her hands for a moment before reconsidering and putting it back where it came from. She grabbed her detective's badge and clipped it onto her belt where it could easily be seen, set her jaw and stepped out of her Triton. She looked both ways before crossing the road, then pushed through the glass doors of the pub and looked around.
The sound of poker machines could be heard from the back room, but all the chatter died down right as her eyes fell on three men converging around the pool table. One was tall and heavy set, he had a mean looking scar across the middle of his face. Gabby remembered him. He was one of the guys they rounded up during the big bust back in 2005. His mates called him Bruiser. Standing next to him was a skinny dude nicknamed Twig, he packed a mean right hook though, if memory served her. The guy lining up his shot was who she was interested in. Bertie was taller than Twig, shorter than Bruiser, but solid in his own right. There were flecks of grey in his black hair and he cursed loudly when he missed his shot.
Bertie turned and looked at her, pool cue in his hand. "Look what you made me do, Pig."
Gabby shrugged, undeterred she walked right up to him, she was a whole head shorter than him so she had to look up. She met his stare. "You and I are gonna talk."
Bertie laughed and waved over a couple of younger looking dudes. "Deal with this."
Gabby shook her head. She knew it would go this way. So be it. She turned and intercepted the first guy with a palm strike upwards into his nose. He hit the ground fast and the other youngster jumped on her back and tried to get a solid grip around her neck to drag her away. She threw an elbow back into his stomach, doubled him over then kicked him in the groin, sending him to the ground, howling in pain. She swung back around to face Bertie and growled, "I just wanna talk, you fucker."
Bertie sneered at her and leaned forward, close enough that she could smell the rum on his breath. "I don't talk to pigs."
"Alright," she grabbed her badge and slammed it down on the pool table. "Now I'm not a cop. I'm not here on official business. I don't give a fuck what drugs or stolen goods you're peddling here. I just need answers about something personal to us both."
Bruiser stepped forward and grabbed her shoulder with his giant hand, but Bertie held his hand in front of the eager to please lackey and said, "Take her to my office."
By office Bertie meant the backroom where all the booze was kept. It was cold and disorganised. Gabby shivered a little, but she set her jaw defiantly. She was playing with fire, the truth could very well get her killed, but she hoped he might want the same answers she did.
"You've got some nerve walkin' in here making demands of me, girlie." Bertie said when he sat down on a stack of beer cartons in front of her. "If I don't like what you have to say, you're fuckin' dead."
"That's fair. I kinda feel the same way." She ground out, refusing to be intimidated. "Your wife tried to kill my girlfriend in oh five. Who the fuck put her up to that?"
Bertie leaned forward and squinted, before sliding off the boxes and taking a closer look. "You," he said, his eyes lighting up with recognition. "You've cut your hair, but I remember you now." His fist flashed out and clocked her square in the eye, sending her stumbling backwards. "My wife is fuckin' dead because of you."
Gabby held her hands up, not yet wanting to fight. "I don't fuckin' know your wife, you prick. I just know she tried to kill my then girlfriend and fuckin' failed, killing my best friend instead. I just wanna know who the fuck put her up to it."
"Pete did. He's dead now too."
Bertie seemed less cut up about his brother, Gabby suspected it was because of his involvement in Gina's demise. "So who asked Pete to get the deed done?"
Bertie smiled a wicked grin, "Someone who won't be able to answer any of your questions, girlie." He waved over Bruiser. "I'm bored now, deal with her."
Gabby shoved Bertie, desperate to keep his attention. "Just fuckin' tell me who it was, you're gonna kill me anyway."
He nodded slowly, as if he were considering her request. He shrugged, "You're right. I am going to kill you. But I think you knew that."
"Just tell me who it was," Gabby begged, no longer caring about looking strong.
"One of your own, Pig. A detective. What was his name… oh that's right. Dyson. Detective Dyson." Bertie turned and walked away, waving his hand as a signal to Bruiser to do his job.
All the bravado that had fueled her left her body the moment his words sunk into her brain. Her legs turned to jelly and she had to reach out for something to help hold her up. She couldn't believe her ears, and then the first fist connected. She flew backwards from the force, crunching into a stack of Boag's Draught cartons. She stumbled forward and tried to block the next blow but Bruiser's fist hit her square in the chest. She collapsed to the ground, unable to breathe, having been winded by his punch. Forget Twigs right hook, Bruiser's left straight was fucking deadly. She gasped for air, filling her lungs as soon as they were open for business again, but Bruiser picked her up like a rag doll and dragged her out back. He heaved her against the commercial trash bin and laughed as she struggled to get back to her feet.
"Stay down," He growled, before hoeing his boot straight into her ribcage, the force of the kick slammed her back against the trash bin again. Gabby's entire body ached and she hadn't even had the chance to get her own licks in. Hearing Dyson's name had completely fried her brain. She looked up to him. He was a mentor. It was too much.
Bruiser picked her up again and this time he pinned her against the bin, his hand wrapped firmly around her throat, almost crushing her trachea. Metal glinted in his hand and she tried to block his thrust, but her arms didn't do as she asked and she felt the steel enter body. She looked down and then looked back up at him, "Is that all you've fuckin' got?" She choked out, tasting copper in her mouth.
He pulled the knife out and thrust one more time. Her head lulled and her body slipped when he let her go. She clutched at the knife in her abdomen, hitting the ground with a solid thump. The sound of tires squealing in the background filtered into her ears, but she wasn't actively aware of what was happening.
She heard yelling and maybe even a gunshot, but all she could think about was the knife sticking out of her body. It was fitting that she would go out knowing just a touch of what Alexis felt. Darkness encroached her vision and she welcomed the peace it brought her.
A flash across the back of her eyelids caused her adrenaline to spike, allowing her to sit up and try to crawl away.
Maura.
However the adrenaline soon wore off and she rolled onto her back, staring up directly into a street light until her vision faded.
Forgive me.
A/N: Firstly, thank you guys for keeping your comments about the characters and their behaviours, I actually loved some of the insight and was fascinated to see so many people think that Missy still holds a flame for Gabby and seemed disinterested in Jane's declaration of her feelings (honestly I just think the ending of that scene last chapter was lost in translation and I did a poor job at conveying my intentions). Will be interesting to see if thoughts change after this chapter.
A lot of people think Jane is deceiving herself as well. I think in time you will see that there's more at play here than that.
So how are we feeling after this chapter? Remember this story isn't close to finished, it's a long journey yet to come. Thank you for sticking with me guys, I appreciate you.
Also have managed my eye issue so far, getting it checked out this week. Hoping it was just a blip in the matrix! Thanks for the concern folks.
