I don't remember traveling to Nexus, we were just suddenly at the hospital. It had been a quiet night in the waiting room. Which no one called out as everyone was superstitious, and didn't want to tempt the universe's wrath. Even though it was quiet, it wasn't a peaceful quiet. This quiet was more like a heavy blanket that was suffocating us. A few of the nurses and other doctors who were working this evening came over to Taiga and the rest of us, offering condolences.

Black Sheep was currently clinging to my side. Sure, he was only three, but that didn't mean he didn't have some basic understand as to what was going on. I knew he was picking up on the tense atmosphere.

He looked up at me, "Where is Awow?"

I swallowed, "The doctors are still working on her buddy."

"Is she sick?"

"No, she's…she's hurt. She went on a mission and got hurt."

"Is she gonna die?"

"What?"

"Like Steve? He went on a mission and didn't come back."

I paused, of course he would draw parallels between Steve and Arrow. It took me a moment before deciding on an answer, "I don't know, Black Sheep."

"I don't want to not see her."

I rubbed his head, ruffling his midnight hair, "Me too, Buddy. Me too."

The scratching sounds of paws running on tile became louder. I looked up seeing Snowy all but sprinting towards us.

"I just heard about Arrow," the vixen girl squeaked, "Any news?"

"Not yet," Jenette said quietly.

Snowy nodded and took the seat next to mine, eventually playing a game of quiet rock paper scissors. I could tell she was still terrified, but the game distracted her and Black Sheep, which was something I was grateful for. I looked around the room; Sable and Shawnen were each on one side of Kate, the three older kids (Jenette, Taiga and Timothy) were huddled up, and Christin was sitting with Nico, though they're comforting wasn't as obvious as what the others were doing. This was one of the moments where anyone could see how tightly knit this family was.

I may have not had that many memories of the perfect American family, but I know it was nothing like a mutant family. I knew for a fact that if either me or Becca came out as queer, we would not have been accepted. If my sister had wanted to be something other then a housewife no one would've supported her. I loved my dad, but I know in either of these scenarios he wouldn't had been there for us. It just wasn't what people did. People grew up, moved out, got married, (got a job or stayed at home) and had kids. That was the only option.

That wasn't the way here though. Even though half of his kids were now adults, Christin never even mentioned the idea of them moving away. He wanted them to stay. He accepted the fact that Jenette was a lesbian and never separated from her siblings because she was black. He didn't dismiss Timothy for being mute and needing to use sign. His sons could cry and he would comfort them. He offered to help me with my PTSD and I wasn't even his son.

No one had to be ashamed of anything about themselves.

The door opened and Dr. McClain entered. Christin and Taiga were the first ones to rush over, shortly followed by the rest of us.

"Amelia?" Christin asked.

"Cari's still working on her in surgery," Dr. McClain sighed, "I won't sugar coat it, Christin, it's not good."

"Is that all you can tell us?"

"What I know is coming from the grape vine, and not a mission report. Take it with a grain of salt."

"Until that report is on my desk, I'll take whatever you got."

"According to the others on the mission who ended up in my ward, she took off her jacket to give it to one of the kids."

"Leaving her vulnerable to bullets."

Dr. McClain nodded her head, before looking at the ground, "They weren't normal bullets Christin."

"What?"

"They were armed with bullets that were designed to melt into acidic paste upon contact with blood."

Christin turned pale, and looked like he was about throw up.

"How did they come across weapons like those?" Nico all but growled, "Arrow was raiding a Hydra base that was rumored to be dealing with the Countess's Followers."

"Chemical-based weapons haven't been Hydra's style, since Baron Zemo, and Armin Zola were working there. And they have been in prison for at least 4 years," Jenette chimed in.

"Zemo and Zola are still alive?" I said, but no one paid attention to me.

"Could've been a deal with AIM," Kate suggested, "Even with MODOK out of the picture, when they're not stealing from Stark, they still make weapons and sell them."

"Is now the best time to be discussing this?" Taiga said, "Arrow could be on her death bed! Unknown chemical compounds have been working into her systems for who knows how long and that's not even counting the initial damage the shots caused!"

"Amelia?" Christin said, clearly asking for another opinion.

"Due to the placement of the wounds. At best she'll have massive tissue damage, and at worst possible bone decay."

We didn't talk much after that.

Arrow was in surgery for another 2 hours. Junia and his mother eventually showed up to ask what was going on, and to give condolences. When we finally were allowed to see her, it was through a glass window; the only one who was actually allowed into her room being Christin. I couldn't look at her for very long. I handed Black Sheep off to Snowy and quickly ran to the nearest bathroom, hoping my sudden nausea wouldn't evolve into something worse.

I splashed my face with cold water, and let the faucet run after I was finished; the sound of running water oddly comforting. I swallowed; I couldn't stop seeing her. Arrow laying on that bed, completely still, too still. Bandages covering her entire right side, small hints of red peaking through the starchy white wraps. Tubes stuck in her limbs and going down her throat.

This wasn't the Arrow I knew.

The Arrow I knew, was a young woman who was strong, brave and compassionate. A young woman who wore a mask to hide her own demons so well, no one could see them. Only letting them bare their ugly fangs to help others heal.

I breathed out shakily; this wasn't the Arrow I knew.

As bad as it sounded, I was glad to leave the hospital, but I didn't want to go back to the farm house. Going back to the farmhouse felt like returning from a warzone one soldier short. Which wasn't all that far from reality. The easy laughter and holiday cheer seemed to have vanished from the halls, leaving them barren, quiet and still. Everyone seemed to wanted to be alone at the moment. Kate thankfully started the little ones on a board game, so everyone else could process what we just went through.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be inside. So, I just started wandering the grounds; ignoring how the chilly winter wind made my hair stand on end, and sent my shivers down my spine. I just felt hollow. Like there was nothing there, nothing inside of me. The only image and thought that cut through the void of nothingness, being one of Arrow in the hospital.

Somehow through the nothingness came an urge, a need. To do what? That was the frustrating part about it. I didn't know. It felt like restlessness, like I needed to do something, work towards something. Finish a task, achieve a goal, or complete a mission. But I didn't know about what.

I could've been out there for hours, or minutes. Time didn't really have a meaning at that moment. I don't know how or when I got there, but somehow, I wandered into the grave yard. I looked out at the statues and before I could think of something else, I envisioned a statue of Arrow standing with the others. The image of her features and likeness etched in grey stone, it made my stomach churn again.

Deep down I knew that the thought would one day become a reality; it was just life. That she would pass on, that they all would pass on. Jenette, Taiga, Kate, Christin, Black Sheep, one day their bodies would turn to dust, and cheap copies would be placed here in remembrance. The thought terrified me.

Maybe I hadn't truly believed how much danger the mutants were in before that moment. The moment, when I realized how easy it was to kill one of them. All it took was an instant, one moment of misfortune, one mistake, and they could be ripped away from this world. The constant executioner's axe hanging over their necks of their reality suddenly became clear to me. Even with all the proof in front of me all this time, the kids, the stories I was told, the number of candles at Mourning Dusk, heck the scar that was burned onto my own younger brother's face, and I still denied it.

Then the helpless feeling returned. There was so much pain happening all around me and I couldn't do anything about it. I needed to do something about it! But I could I do? I was just a small kid, in the presents of what could be considered Gods among men. Sure, I had always had less than normal company around me, but even then, our enemies were ones I had known, and could be on equal footing with. This was a different playing field.

That's when something caught my eye.

"'If something's happening in front of you, then there's only two things you can do. Something or nothing. I spent far too long doing nothing, thinking I was too small to change anything, before I realized how strong I was. Don't make my mistake.'"

Alice's words. The words she chose before her death, for those would live on without her. It was something that mutants did young. I remembered over hearing Christin asking Timothy if he had thought about, what he'd wanted on his grave one day because he had turn 15 last month and would be earning his mask in January. It was part of growing up for them. Just another example of them living with death at their doorstep.

I read the words on her grave once again. The first time I read them, months ago, they didn't mean anything to me. Just the words of a dead stranger. However, now, it felt like she was talking to me. As if I could hear her voice. The voice I could almost hear, a strong spirited voice that almost sounded as if she understood my confusion, was trying to tell me something.

I read the engraving again. The final line standing out to me.

"'Don't make my mistake.'"

I felt my fist clench. I knew what I needed to do.


I needed to talk with Taiga. Thankfully he was still in the farmhouse. I knocked on his bedroom door, and I was greeted with the sight of his tearstained face.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," Taiga sniffed.

"Uhm, I need to talk to you, can I come in?"

Taiga nodded and let me in his room. Taiga's room was made of green everything. Green walls, green bed, green book shelves (that were stuffed with reading material), and green plants. So, many green plants. From cactuses to vine plants, they were everywhere in his room.

Taiga sat down on his bed, rubbing his hand over his face.

"How you doing?" I asked.

"Not well, honestly," He sighed, "It's just a mess. The worst part being is that as healer I'm not allowed to help her."

"Family can't work on family, right?"

He nodded, "I know why that rule is there. I know the reason behind it benefits everyone. It just seems so cruel, now that I'm on the other end of it."

"Dr. McClain and Cari will take care of her."

"I know. I know she's in good trusted hands. Even if Cari gets on my nerves, she's good at her craft. It just feels like it's my responsibility, as a brother and a healer," Taiga sighed, "I'm sorry, you came to tell me something and now I'm rambling."

I shook my head, "It's alright. Your sister's in the hospital. I think you can be a bit of a mess."

Taiga sniffed again, "Thank you."

I looked at the desk in the back of the room; the only white piece of furniture in the room. Finding several pages of beige paper, written on with fading black ink, resting on top of the smooth white surface. I probably shouldn't have looked, but I picked one of them up, immediately recognizing the messy hand writing.

"What are these?" I asked.

Taiga hummed and looked up at me, "Oh, those? Those are just letter Arrow wrote to me three years ago," he huffed sadly, "She was recovering in Nexus when she wrote those."

"Life has a sense of humor?"

"Yeah, a sick one, but I suppose it does," Taiga sighed, "Now what did you want to speak to me about?"

I took a deep breath, "I want to start going on missions."

The silent shock was instant. If Taiga had been drinking water, he most likely would've spat it out. The look of surprise and horror that came over his eyes…I'll never forget it.

"No, no, no, no," Taiga shook his head as he stood up, "Tell me you didn't just ask that."

"Look I know that, at the moment you don't want anyone out there, with everything that happens with Arrow…"

"Bucky! This isn't about Arrow! This is about you and your will to live!"

"What?"

Taiga swallowed, "Bucky in order to become a member of the clan's intelligence and rescue program, you need to be a member of the clan! You are above the adult age there's no possible way for you to enter through a training program. You'd have to go through initiation trials."

"I'll do them."

"No, no, Bucky you don't understand. The last person to survive these trials was over 40 years ago, and he lost three of his limbs! Sure, he was part lizard and they all grew back, but yours won't."

"I blew up on a rocket and froze for 70 years. I can take a hit."

"This isn't just physical wounds I'm talking about Bucky. The physical part of this is the easy part. They will strip you down mentally, peeling back the layers of your mind until they know everything about you. Whether your truthful in your claims, and that you can be loyal to our cause."

"I…I don't care," I sighed, and sat down on his bed, "I need to do this Taiga. I can't stand by any more. I've been happy here, especially now, but ever Mourning Dusk, I feel like I've been walking in circles. And then Row…I…I need to do something. I can't sit still anymore."

Taiga shook his head, and turned away, sighing, "You'll have to go to Dad, and Uncle Nico."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what? I'm telling you what you need to know."

I rubbed my temples, "Wait, weren't you just telling me to not do this."

"I know I can't stop you. You have the same look in your eye that any of my siblings get when there set on a decision. Might as well support you, so your chances of dying aren't as high."

"Really?"

"I don't want you to die, Bucky. I like having you as a friend. So, I will help you, but please sleep on this decision," Some type of quote desperation bled from that last sentence.

I nodded, but I knew that a good night's rest wasn't going to change my mind, "Anything else I need to know?"


"You want to go out into the field?" Dr. Camaron asked, her tone sounded indifferent, yet intrigued.

I nodded, "Is that a problem?"

"Why would it be?"

"Well, I thought a sudden decision that would be putting your patient in danger, would ring some alarms."

"Sometimes, that does happen, however I don't think I need to be that worried about you. Sure, this is slightly impulsive, but I don't this was completely unwarranted. You saw someone you cared about in pain, and you have gone your whole life as someone who protects those, he loves from pain by fighting beside them. As such you have the same reaction now."

"So, you don't think I shouldn't do this?"

"You are in a good place right now Bucky. I believe you are stable enough for this; however, I would like to keep our usual sessions just in case. These aren't just trials of the body."

"Taiga said these were just as mental as physical."

"They are," she nodded solemnly.

"You're really not surprised by my decision?"

She shook her head, "It's believed, that those with a warrior's spirit are unable to leave the battlefield. No matter how hard they try. Whether if they are fine with dying, like to gamble with fate, or just want to protect those who are innocent," she paused, "You know how some people no matter the circumstance, are happy with their lives? Happy with what they're doing?"

I nodded.

"Some think that happens by pure coincidence. Others like to think that it was their decisions and hard work that brought them to that place. And there are the people who believe that their God, or some other worldly power led them there. Whatever people believe, all them have one thing in common, where they are feels like where their meant to be."

"How does that apply to me? I may be happy now, but I'm where they are yet."

"Exactly, you are not there yet. The road to peace is rarely a trip one can plan. However, some people sometimes do feel as if they are called to somewhere."

"Are saying that destiny is calling me?" the sentence sounded so cheesy on my tongue.

"Well…Bucky what is my job?"

I puzzled over this odd question, "To help people deal with their trauma."

"Yes, and how do I do that?"

"Talk them through it, until it's gone."

"You have the first part correct, but the last one is off. I can't make trauma go away. It's not how the human brain works. It will always be apart of someone. You need to accept it as part of you. Now probably shouldn't let it define you, but you need to accept. It's not my job to make trauma go away. It's my job to help my patients, find their peace with their trauma.

"If you think that this is how you are going to achieve that, do it."


After my therapy appointment and once I got Black Sheep to bed, I went to talk to Christin. I found him in the kitchen, by himself, a mug of hot chocolate in his hand. He looked up at me, seemly surprised.

"Bucky? What are you doing up?" Christin said.

"I um, I wanted to talk to you," I said.

"Okay, about what?"

"I want to go into the field."

Christin stopped, mid-sip of his hot chocolate, and then slowly put the mug back om the counter. He cleared his throat, "You sure that what you want?"

I nodded.

"You know this isn't going to be an easy task, the trials could…"

"Kill me? I know. I'm done licking my wounds. I need to get back out there."

"This isn't the type of war you're trained for, son."

"Then I'll learn. If I've only ever been one thing it's adaptive."

"It's going to be easier said than done."

"When is it ever not?"

Christin looked at me, a twinkle of pride and fondness in his eye, as if I remined him of someone. "I'll the papers set up, and talk to Nico."

"Nico?" I raised a brow.

"You think I'm going to send you into that war zone, with out someone training you in mutant ways? Hell no. Not that I doubt your skills, Bucky, but this is another level of war that you need to be trained for."

"So, you're asking Nico to teach me?"

"Well, I'll ask first, and then probably order him as I have a feeling, he'll say no."

"Okay, but Nico? Why can't you train me?"

"Because I'm Clan leader. I have other responsibilities, and its tradition that an admiral, or second to the Clan Leader, prepares those who are going into the trials. Which, Nico is both. Besides, I think it will be good for both of you."


I took me a few days, before I could visit Arrow again. She was allowed visitors in her room now, though she was still in a comatose state. A Nurse led me to the room where she was being cared for. I stepped through the door, finding Junia sitting at her bedside, her hand in his grasp.

"How she doing?" I asked.

"The burns are healing, slowly," Junia said.

"She going to wake up soon?"

"Not until the medics are sure that she won't be in terrible pain when conscious, will they pull her out of the coma."

There was a moment of silence, only the sound of the heart monitor filling the void.

"What are you doing James?" Junia suddenly asked.

"You mean visiting? She saved my life, I'm 'protective' of her. Remember?"

"No, I mean," He sighed, "I know what you're planning to do."

"Going through the trials?"

"Yes."

"How do you even know about that?"

"My mother is a clan leader as well, and there were rumors floating around after Christin announced that with in a year's time the trials will be performed. Now why are you doing this James?"

"Because, I sit by and let them hurt the people I care about."

Junia snorted.

"What's so funny."

"I wish I could believe you."

"Why can't you?"

"Because no outsider would put their life on the line for our kind."

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not a normal outsider."

"You're right. You're an American from the 40s. You're worse."

"How am I?"

"You're from an age of hypocrisy. America claimed to be a paradise for all immigrants, a place where all men are equal. However, your country was riddled with sexism, racism, and segregation. In fact, while the Nazi's were being so horrible and rounding up the Jews, you Americans were currently doing the same to all of your Japanese citizens. You were no different from the Nazi's. The only reason that your nation looks like the heroes, was the fact that the won the right to paint history as they saw fit. Creating the losing force to be monsters, and you as the knights in shining armor."

I took a deep breath. Junia knew how to cut deep when he wanted to, and I was tempted to give him the reaction he wanted. However, that wouldn't help the situation.

"So, you think because of when and where I'm from that I'll have the same ideals?"

"I'm making an educated guess."

"You're stereotyping. You know, I thought that was something that mutants didn't do. I guess we're both misfits then."

I saw his eyes narrow, and I had to fight the urge to smirk.

Junia hummed, "Perhaps your right. So, then if it isn't the common motives of your days that is driving you to risk your life. Then what is?"

"I think, it might just be the soldier in me. The soldier that now is healed, is becoming restless."

"So, you're a warrior, looking for a war to fight?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"It might just be that I had lost everything, and I want to protect what I have now."

"So, fear of loss? You're in the wrong trade then. People die and no one can stop that."

"I don't think you're wrong, but I can try. I won't sit by and let another person sacrifice themselves for me."

The silence came over the room once again. I looked at the clock, I needed to go. I sighed and turned towards the door.

"James?" Junia said.

I stopped and turned towards him.

"I don't agree with anything about Captain America. Not the falsehood he stood for, or events of his creations. However, maybe he wasn't wrong about you."

Junia didn't say anything else to me, and I left the room. Closing the door softly behind me.


A/N:

Okay, this took me a little longer than I thought, but I hope it was worth the wait.

I apologize if anything in this chapter offended any reader. I know this was one of the heavier ones.

And No offence to any americans! I am American, and I love my country. But that bit about the Japanese citizens was true, and it felt exactly like the kind of ammo that someone would use on bucky.