WMHS-Sophomore year. Pt II

KILL ME NOW… PLEASE!

It hasn't even been two months since I joined the club when Mr. Schue handed me a death sentence.

We actually have to perform for the first time ever as a group in front of the ENTIRE school at the pep assembly. OH. GOD. I mean, hanging around with the kids in Glee club and getting to know them more has been kinda fun. We're learning more about each other and actually sorta becoming friends, but just inside the choir room and stuff, it's safe. Like we're in our own bubble and nobody knows what's going on in there. Then there's just the idea of performing at competitions someday MAYBE, and that even sounds kinda cool - assuming we ever get good enough to make it to the competition level. But this? Geez! I was SO unprepared for this news! Especially when we're still figuring out what we're doing. I just knew all the guys on the team were gonna give me hell if we sucked… or well, probably even if we didn't suck.

See, I now know why I didn't know that we had a Glee Club at our school sooner – it's the club considered the biggest bunch of pariahs and losers in the entire school - which is just nuts. I honestly do not understand why, I mean, everyone likes music, right? It's a universal language, like love! But I guess because of the kind of kids that tend to join Glee, the club itself gets like no recognition and no respect, but the kids in the club get more than their fair share of the bullying and slushie facials than anyone else in the whole school. Even with me being the quarterback, I've still had to take my fair share of crap from the guys in the locker room, but maybe I've been spared from the worst of it so far. I really doubt the guys on the team are brave enough to slushie me... Well, so far anyway. Maybe Puck is helping to keep the heat off me? Pfft.. yeah right. He'll probably be the first in line with a slushy!

. . . . .

Puck was pissed at me because I totally forgot we were supposed to meet up for early morning workouts and I was gonna spot him on the weight bench before football practice that morning. But I kinda forgot all about that because I ended up going to an unofficial/emergency Glee meeting that Rachel called instead. We had all decided to schedule a few extra practices to prepare for the upcoming assembly performance to learn the new song and work out the choreography (yeah, Rachel taught me THIS is the proper word to use for the dancing stuff - see I told you she teaches me new stuff all the time!), but that's not why she called the meeting….

Let me back up and explain.

It started when me and Rachel got in trouble using the Cheerio's copy machine. Which was super dumb.. And I still don't really know what Rachel's point was.. I mean we were making flyers to try and recruit new glee members, and she was talking about I guess some famous singers who do stuff besides sing. Somehow that was supposed to make me feel better about performing a song at the assembly in front of everyone? Whatever. But it was sorta nice to sit in the craft room alone with her, nevermind what she was talking about… because her skirt was sorta riding up her thigh so I spent a lot of that time getting glue on everything except the stuff I was supposed to since I was a bit distracted (again, I'm a GUY, not my fault!). I still don't know why Rachel wears those short skirts like every single day, but I'm sure not complaining about it! ;)

Well anyway. Then we were all at Quinn's stup– I mean umm.. very important Celibacy Club meeting and she had these stupid balloons. It's weird but for some reason Rachel had also suddenly now joined the club, and so did Jewfro - uhh, I mean JBI.. Jacob Ben Israel. All the guys and girls were paired up for whatever it was we were s'posed to be doing. JBI and Rachel were paired together for this group activity (and Rachel really didn't look happy about that) when Quinn started some sexy but weird demonstration with these balloons… anyway, I still don't know what the point of it was, except that if the balloon popped it was a bad thing. Apparently really bad. Well of course, me & Quinn's balloon popped - and I still maintain that one was TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT! But Quinn got pissed and started yelling at me again… until Rachel saved the day.

Rachel jumped in exactly when I needed her to save me from a big fight and made this incredibly cool speech. She actually kinda told Quinn off, saying that there's no point in this dumb celibacy club (ok SHE didn't use the word dumb, even though it sorta is) because as much as they try to hide it, GIRLS actually totally want sex too, just as much as boys do! And that as teenagers we're just too wired to want sex all the time so why fight it, and that was the point of umm, interception? No, umm, con.. con.. like using condoms and stuff. And WHOA! Quinn did NOT like to hear that at ALL (for the record, scary Quinn is my least favorite Quinn). I don't know why Quinn was so upset, Rachel was just being honest… In fact it was the coolest and truest thing I'd ever heard a girl say.

I mentioned before how Rachel talks A LOT but I'm slowly learning that sometimes it's really worth listening to what she says! ;)

After Rachel made her speech and stormed out of the room, it was quiet for a few minutes then alotta of the guys started grabbing at the girls teasing them and then there was some fighting. Most of the balloons got popped and JBI kept saying 'wanky' and chasing a couple of the Cheerios around, and then pretty much everyone cleared out, except me & Quinn.

Then Quinn went all chick batty again. She said Rachel has no business coming to HER club and running her mouth about the C word (which I really wish I could remember) and she wanted to get her kicked out of the club. I told her to just calm down, that it didn't really matter what Rachel said because people don't usually listen to her anyway. I wanna clarify this point - most people really don't usually listen to Rachel, so I wasn't trying to be mean or put her down… I was just stating a sad fact. But then a little while after that I saw Rachel and she told me she was quitting the celibacy club because she was NEVER getting that close to JBI again, so it all sorta worked itself out nicely.

. . . . .

RACHEL TO THE RESCUE.

At our next glee club meeting Mr. Schue was talking to us about the assembly performance and the song we'd be doing. He wanted us to do a SUPER old disco song that was SO UNBELIEVABLY LAME.. like I totally need to invent a new word to best describe the total and complete LAMENESS of that song! We tried to tell him how bad it would be but he wasn't listening, insisting it won them nationals like a hundred years ago or whatever. UGH! I really like Mr. Schue, but he really needs to update his musical catalog!

Leave it to Rachel to save us from total annihilation! She KNEW that song was terrible (and maybe she even cared that I'd absolutely die of embarrassment if I had to perform it - we talked about it a little bit after getting busted for the copy machine thing). So without Mr. Schue knowing it, she called for a secret glee meeting suggesting that we change the song. I was SHOCKED at her song choice! But after what she said in celibacy club it sorta made sense, and at least we knew all the students would like Rachel's song choice way better than Mr. Schue's - the teachers and faculty might not feel the same way, but it's a risk we were willing to take.

Rachel's choreography for the new song was pretty umm.. SEXY HOTTTTT? But also like, sort of totally embarrassing - but she showed us the video for the original song and said since it was about sex, she convinced us we had to do the dancing that fit the song selection. WOW. I had no idea Rachel was so.. uhh… 'free?' in her opinions about sex and stuff! And it helped that her skirts were always so short… I'd probably have agreed to anything just based on her wardrobe choices. :)

Well, anyway we performed the song that Rachel chose, Salt N Pepa's 'Push It'.. I was pretty much TERRIFIED when the curtains first opened up, especially when I looked out and saw Puck and all the guys staring, pointing and apparently cracking jokes and stuff. Then the music started and we began the performance. I glanced at Mr. Schue and I just KNEW we were in trouble again. But I couldn't think about that, because Rachel was bent over in front of me and she wore this denim mini skirt that wasn't too different from what she normally wore most of the time… OH GOD, I REALLY LOVE GLEE CLUB! But uhh.. Yeah she was um, like touching me and climbing on me - she really went ALL OUT on the dance moves, like in some parts the other kids were crawling on the floor on their hands and knees, and there were a lot of like, umm, 'fake sex' moves. Ok I can't lie, it didn't even MATTER that soooo many kids were watching us, or the teachers and stuff, I just mostly focused on the lyrics to be sure I didn't mess up, and on Rachel… but then I realized REAL FAST I needed to STOP focusing on her so much because, y'know, EXPLOSIONS! I honestly am shocked how well I was able to keep my cool.. Probably stage fright helped because yeah Mr. Clark was gonna be no help in this respect! But I also have to admit, I ran straight to the locker room and jumped in a cold shower afterwards.

Well anyways, Rachel was right again.. The kids LOVED the performance, we even got a standing ovation! BUT. We DID end up getting into some trouble for going rogue with the song choice. Now I guess Coach Sue Sylvester (the cheer coach) is going to co-direct the club, which can't possibly be a good thing! And Principal Figgins told Mr. Schue either he or Coach Sue has to approve our song choices from now on.. Which is pretty ridiculous. I hope this doesn't last forever!

NO. SERIOUSLY, KILL ME - MORE GIRL TROUBLE…

By now me & Quinn were dating for almost 6 months. I do like Quinn, and yeah she is really super HOT, and popular. She's got this long blonde hair and super pretty green eyes, but also a really hot body - I mean, she's a cheerleader, right? - and GREAT boobs (even if I pretty much never get to touch them). But she won't do anything except like, kissing. She's a really good kisser, and she sometimes sort of lets me touch her, just never under her clothes. I guess her family is like, super religious and strict and stuff. So she wants to take things really slow, which is totally ok - I mean I'd NEVER pressure a girl to do things she isn't ready to do - my mom made sure I understood how important that stuff is, respecting girls and being patient and stuff.

But there's times I sort of wonder exactly why I like her. Quinn can be really mean to a lot of other kids, and also, she's always yelling at me and calling me dumb. Well, I know I'm not always the brightest light in the crayon box, but I feel like I mess up a lot with her too. But then she always ends up just laughing at me and tells me how hot we are together, that we're the 'IT' couple of the school and says we're gonna win prom king and queen someday so she forgives me. I guess that's cool, and it's kinda cool being the most popular couple in school. She's my first real girlfriend and I guess I figured this is just the way it works in high school, right?

Quinn does NOT like me being in Glee club. AT ALL. She cornered me at my locker one day and had a chick meltdown about how it was dragging down our popularity status. Which I thought was RIDICULOUS because, who cares if I'm in Glee or not? Look how great the pep assembly went, right? But apparently Quinn cares, and if she cares then others must care too? I mean, Rachel did tell me she'd been slushied almost every day since the first week or so after she joined the club. Which really pissed me off, but what could I say? I wasn't sure who did it and I really didn't know her yet - but I'm not sure I could have stopped it from happening even if I did. I'm still not sure I could make them stop even now.

But anyway, I almost wondered if Quinn decided to have her hissy fit on me right then just because Rachel happened to be standing a couple lockers down from me and I was staring at her when she wasn't looking before Quinn showed up. Maybe Quinn saw me looking at Rachel? Well I mean she for sure saw me dancing with Rachel at the assembly.. And even if she didn't say it, I'm pretty sure she was jealous. See Quinn's super popular and Rachel.. Is just well, Rachel, like not popular. So why would Quinn admit to being jealous of her? Right - she wouldn't ever admit it, even if it's true.

. . . . .

I don't know why but Rachel just keeps popping up in my brain, not like I'm trying to think about her, it just sorta happens. Rachel with her big brown eyes. Rachel with her sweet little butt, and her smokin' HOT body… and she always smells SO GOOD.. like berries or vanilla or sometimes like flowers. Rachel with those cute little skirts. A lot of kids kinda make fun of her clothes, but I like the way she dresses. I even love the little animal print sweaters and the ruffles and those SWEET short skirts… even the knee socks she wears are pretty hot (they show off her sexy legs!) It's just that, with Rachel, she's like her OWN person with her own confidence, and I think that's one of the coolest things about her.

But her looks are not what I'm most interested in about her. She doesn't care what other people think; she does what makes HER feel good about herself. And she makes me feel so good about just being myself, and tries to encourage me to be my own person and not care what other people think. She never makes fun of me like Quinn does, even when I know I just said something stupid. And then there's her voice… she sings like an angel. I can't even describe how I feel when she sings. She's just so talented and confident and sure of herself all the time. She's a good friend and a good person. I think I feel closest to her when we're in Glee though, especially when we sing and dance together. Our voices for some reason do sound so good together, she even says so all the time.

Yeah, it's getting kinda hard to stop thinking about Rachel so much. Like I'll be driving home and a song will come on the radio and I'll think 'that would sound so much better if Rachel sang it'. Or I'll be bored in English class or something and suddenly catch myself wondering what class she's in right now and if she's bored too (and I always guess NO because Rachel works hard at being the best at EVERYTHING she does, which means school work too. Then I think how nice it would be if she were in the boring classes with me).

So I guess it explains why lately I've had some, uhh.. 'dreams' about her in those super short cute skirts - and good thing mom's been on the early morning shift, so I could do my own laundry without her noticing! It's just SO embarrassing! A while ago Puck had mentioned it happens to him too once in a while, but usually only if he hasn't been 'getting any' for a while. I don't think I ever had a dream like that about Quinn before, and I've been kissing and touching her in real life already… but Rachel? I've only been singing and dancing with her in Glee for a few weeks. We've already kinda become the leaders of the club (which is all kinds of awesome). So now I'm spending all this time with her and we talk a lot and I'm not sure how to stop these dreams from happening, but I can't help how I feel about her, especially in my SLEEP… LIke, at least when I'm awake I have some control over what happens, or at least when and WHERE it happens!

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT…

I really like singing with Rachel, but I know I'm not anywhere near as good at singing as she is. She keeps telling me how good I already am and the more I practice the better I'll be. I told her I thought I needed help to improve, so she offered to help me. We actually stayed after school a few times to work on vocal scales, y'know, to improve my range and stuff, plus to teach me breathing exercises - who knew that was a thing? I never had to practice breathing before; I just sorta do it without even thinking… I mean DUH I'd be dead if I didn't, right? But then Rachel said breathing a certain way helps with singing and also can help calm you down if you're angry or whatever - I swear she teaches me something new almost every day. Anyway, Rachel plays piano too and she said we should practice in the auditorium so I can get used to 'projecting to the audience' better, and because it has the best acoustics, which will especially help if we get good enough to go to competitions.

One day after we'd been there practicing a while, I noticed she had this whole picnic spread on the stage. I thought it was a little weird at first, but when we took a break she invited me to sit and have a picnic with her. She brought snacks and everything, even made these virgin cosmos and shared them with me in these cool little plastic airplane cups (and by the way - cosmos taste SO good, actually I was thinking they might taste like Rachel).

This picnic turned out to be a pretty epic moment in my life…

She said "I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly." Really, she said that. I swear this girl only knows how to compliment me… and I still do NOT know why. She seriously knows how to make me feel good about myself ALL the time!

So I was honest with her. "Well, this is my only chance to be, y'know, good, like you."

She actually sounded SURPRISED because she said "You think I'm good?"

LIke I just wanted to scream it out loud to the empty auditorium, umm, DUH! YEAH Rachel, you're so much MORE than good! How do you not know this? Or do you just think I didn't know this?

Just looking at her I could tell she was nervous, and somehow - I don't know where it came from, but I got real brave - and I felt like it was time to be super honest with her. She just makes me feel safe, like she won't judge me and she wants to hear what I have to say (unlike certain girlfriends who shall remain nameless). So I just kinda told her what I was thinking, like, about her. I just wish I'd been better with my words though. I told her "Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. You talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there."

I thought I was being kinda funny, y'know, joking with her.. but I knew immediately by the look on her face that was the wrong thing to say since she wasn't laughing or smiling or anything, so I hurried up to try and fix it. "But then I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here."

And like the idiot I am, I put my hand over the right side of my chest - which is of course, the wrong side from where your heart is (I learned this from Rachel too). But she wasn't making fun of me. She didn't tease me or tell me what an idiot I was.. She simply scooted closer to me and put her hand over mine, smiled and slid my hand to the left and said "Your heart's on the other side of your chest."… and I thought my heart would LITERALLY jump out of my chest right into her hands. I said "Oh. It's beating really hard." She just looked straight at me with her big beautiful brown eyes, and kind of smiled at me. I had to say something nice to her for not making fun of me. "You're cool, Rachel."

My DUDE brain just wouldn't let me be in control right then. At least that's what I guess was happening, because I just kept looking at her lips, couldn't help it. When we sing and dance together, we get really close sometimes and she always smells so good, but sometimes she wears this shiny lip gloss and I always wondered how her lips would taste and feel. So when she was drinking her cosmo, of course I PRETENDED she had a little bit on her lip as my excuse, and I don't know what came over me, but I just reached out and brushed her lip with my thumb… Oh. My. GOD. her lips felt SO amazing. I sorta thought she might freak out or hit me or something for touching her face without asking, but she didn't. She just looked at me with those beautiful eyes in a way that made me feel so good.

Then I couldn't BELIEVE it when she said I could KISS her! (Actually what she said exactly was I could kiss her if I wanted to – uhhh, as if there's any world where I DIDN'T want to!?) Next thing I knew I was actually lying on top of her, kissing her… And I mean WOW… that kiss was completely mind-blowing. Like all kinds of AWESOME. Probably the best thing I ever felt in my 16 years of life so far - nothing at all like kissing Quinn. It was so incredible that I-I um, I got a little too excited, y'know, and well.. Yeah. EXPLOSION. I felt like the captain of the IDIOT squad, and I had no choice but to run away in a hurry - which I hated to have to do, but I was so humiliated and pissed at my own lack of self control. See, I have a secret trick I use a lot with Quinn, and it's usually pretty reliable (well except for that one time in the hot tub) - but remember that mailman Mr Clark? Yeah, well every time I think of him, it sorta helps keep things 'in check' down there… but I just learned that this trick does NOT work with Rachel! UGH! So I tried to apologize to her before I left but I was so embarrassed and I felt horrible for just leaving her there - and I actually felt even worse that I asked her not to tell anyone, because I was pretty sure she knew WHY I needed to run off so quickly. It was so humiliating. I really wish I could've stayed there and kissed her some more.. But then again, I was still technically dating Quinn…. ugh.

WANTS, NEEDS, & OBLIGATIONS…DAMMIT

Ok yeah. After that kiss, I knew I finally needed to do something about the Quinn thing, and by this time I knew what I wanted - no, needed to do. The choice between Rachel and Quinn, honestly? It wasn't even a choice anymore. I just knew I wanted to be with Rachel, even if I didn't totally understand why yet. I just felt like… like I had to be close to Rachel, just like when I'm hungry I have to eat or when I'm tired I have to sleep. For whatever reason I felt this immediate connection with Rachel as soon as we started singing together. Maybe I even felt it last year and just didn't know it yet… but whenever it was that it first started, the point is I know it NOW.

That's assuming Rachel doesn't hate me for totally walking out on her like I did. Aw man, I really gotta go apologize to her for that… but I think apologizing might lead to more kissing, so there's something else I gotta do first.

I planned to tell Quinn the next day that we were breaking up. I had a bad feeling she was going to totally be mad because of prom and stuff, or because she's the head cheerleader and I was breaking up with her and choosing someone who's NOT her or not popular - nevermind how she'd feel knowing it was because of Rachel. But I kinda didn't care about any of that at the moment. Plus, I needed to be fair to Quinn. Also, I didn't wanna be a cheater either - I actually did feel pretty guilty for kissing Rachel when I was still dating Quinn. So I was just gonna follow Rachel's lead and be MYSELF for once, not care what anyone else thought, just follow my heart.

And then my whole world went sideways and crashed.

As luck would have it, exactly when I went to break up with her, Quinn told me she was PREGNANT, and it was MY KID! That was crazy because like, HOW? We never actually had sex! Well, her explanation about the hot tub thing sounded reasonable enough, partly because I did have an explosion situation there (hey I said it already, I'm a guy and Quinn in a bikini is like, WOW. And Mr. Clark and all his mailman friends couldn't have stopped that from happening that night!), but also Quinn was never a liar. She always told me the truth, and WHY would she lie to me, especially about something this serious. Yeah, she can be bitchy and mean and stuff, but she's still always honest with me. Not only did she tell me about being pregnant but she also decided she wanted to have the baby, there was no other choice for her.

So now I was really screwed up and totally confused about my feelings. On one hand, I wanted to be with Rachel SO BAD, but on the other hand, I was already technically sorta cheating on Quinn and NOW I found out I was going to be a father and had responsibilities to be there for her and the baby. MY BABY. Oh god…

It sorta killed me but I kinda had no choice but to set aside what I was feeling for Rachel. I really didn't want to, but I had to man up and take care of my family. My FAMILY… ugh it sounds so weird to say that about anyone who isn't my mom and my grandparents and stuff. ME as a DAD. I never even had a dad, what can I possibly know about being one? Geez I really messed up everything. And I couldn't talk to my mom about it because well, I knew she'd be so upset but also she has so much to worry about already just taking care of the two of us and working and stuff. I hated the idea of adding more stress to her life… How am I ever going to get through this? Maybe I'll talk to Mr. Schue. I don't have anyone else to go to. I hope he can understand, maybe offer some advice.

. . . . .

Holy hell. Quinn, Santana, and their other Cheerio friend Brittany just. Joined. Glee. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Quinn HATES Glee?! Geez. I just don't get it… she spent the last two months yelling at me about it, begging me to quit, but now here she is. Maybe she's softening up since I told her I'd be there for her and our baby no matter what. Maybe she's finally starting to see that she never does the things I wanna do and she's trying to show me she'll support me and the things I like too? That would be super great, because y'know, if I'm gonna be with her forever now, or at least for the next 18 years, it'd be great if she didn't spend it all yelling at me all the time.

I guess I should have expected what happened next.

Rachel just up and quit glee club. Like as if my world isn't caving in around me enough, now Rachel is gone too. How did things get so messed up so fast? Even if I had to push aside my real feelings, I want us to still be friends. But she looked SO MAD when Quinn joined the club. And Mr. Schue didn't help matters there, saying that Quinn was actually pretty good, and if THAT wasn't enough it all really went downhill when Tina was given a solo to sing that Rachel really wanted, but Mr. Schue didn't care what Rachel wanted. So she found out there was a school musical coming up and got the lead in the musical and just quit glee.

How can I fix any of this? I'm just a 16 year old kid, with a BABY on the way! And probably gonna end up married to my teenage baby momma. And I need to be able to support Quinn and my kid and I have NO idea what I'm gonna do with my life and I think I like someone else more than I should and I don't know how to make it stop and my mom's gonna be SO MAD when she finds out! Life just sucks.

Mr. Schue said I should think about my future and careers and stuff. Then out of nowhere Miss Pilsbury - she's our guidance counselor - called me in to discuss career ideas, and scholarship chances and it was kinda weird timing that she did that when she did. Miss P said since our football team would probably not attract scouts on account of how much we SUCK, but I could maybe get a music scholarship if Glee club was really successful, Glee could maybe help my odds. I explained that the chances of Glee doing well without Rachel was like ZILCH now. She said maybe I should talk to Rachel about coming back to Glee.

THE PART WHERE I REALLY SCREWED UP.

Ok I know how this next part is gonna sound.. and please believe me, I feel REALLY SUPER BAD up front before I even say it… but I sorta used Rachel's feelings a little bit to get her to try to get her to come back to Glee. UGH I'm a JERK! I know, I know, I'm really a selfish douchebag! But c'mon - 16 year old baby daddy! I had alotta STUFF on my mind, y'know?

So first I offered my support to Rachel with her play, said I'd run lines with her and stuff. Then I asked her on a date. I took her bowling. I told her we missed her in Glee - which is totally TRUE, I didn't lie. I miss her. Mr. Schue misses her, even if he won't tell her so. And I do think at least some of the other kids miss her (sort of)… but anyway. At one point she finally bowled a strike (the first and only LUCKY strike because, I'm sorry but that girl just can't bowl to save her life!) and she got super excited about it and just sorta just hugged & then KISSED ME! Which AAARRRGGG it felt so good but I knew it was so so WRONG again… But I couldn't tell her that. I needed her to come back to Glee. She even asked me what about Quinn - I don't think she knows about the baby, pretty sure nobody knows except Mr Schue and well, Puck, because oh yeah, I totally had to tell him so he didn't think I was gay. Whatever. (That's another long story.) Anyway. I just kinda let Rachel know that I wanted her back in Glee and don't worry about Quinn.

Except then… of course, YUP she found out the truth. The exact MINUTE she walked back into the choir room to come back, apparently she found out. Fucking PUCK and his giant fucking big mouth. And I KNOW it had to be Puck who blabbed because it sure wasn't me or Quinn, and I seriously doubt Mr Schue would tell anyone. Now the WHOLE damn glee club knows. And Rachel? Yeah, she totally SLAPPED me in the face! FOR REAL slapped me, and I absolutely deserved it. I know I did. But the worst part is I still wanted to kiss her and be with her even though I just couldn't and now… now she's SOOOO mad at me. I lied to her and I used her. If I didn't feel crappy enough for becoming a 16 year old father with a girl who I was about to break up with, imagine how much worse I feel about breaking the heart of the girl who I really wanted to be with.

I tried to apologize to Rachel, I tried to plead my case, explain my situation and why I sorta led her on - even though I really HONESTLY did not lead her on, I WANTED HER BACK. But the reasons why and all the Quinn details, yeah, I just kinda left those out… and she totally saw through that too. So now I think she actually hates me not to mention she's definitely not coming back to glee. And my heart is aching. I'm SUCH a loser.

. . . . .

FIX IT SOMEHOW DAMMIT.

So now that Rachel is gone from Glee it appears we had another problem. National Show Choir rules require us to have at least 12 members to be able to perform in competitions. Thanks to Quinn and the Cheerios plus 3 guys from the football team joining - including Puck (and yeah that's another totally long embarrassing story that includes Kurt joining the football team and all of us dancing to Beyonce on the field during a game - please don't ask for details, I'd like to try to forget it altogether.. but at least we actually won the game), we WERE a team of exactly twelve, until Rach left us. Mr. Schue said he had a fix for this that he was working on, but in the meantime I thought I would try to smooth things over with Rachel again. I had to at least try…

So I drove over to her house after school and prayed she would come out to talk to me. When I got there I noticed no cars in the driveway, so I was hoping maybe her dads were out and she was home alone. Then I swallowed my pride and knocked on her door, and when it finally opened after like the fourth time I knocked, I felt like GARBAGE.

Rachel answered the door, but it didn't look like Rachel AT ALL. She was wearing gray sweatpants and a black sweatshirt and her hair was a mess and her face was all puffy and her eyes bloodshot. She'd been crying. SO HARD. That had to be why she looks this way, because I've seen that look before. It's what my mom looked like when my grandma died a few years ago.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and made this 'I hate you' face at me and asked what I wanted.

"Rachel, can we please talk?"

"Why Finn, so you can lie to me some more?"

"NO! No.. I-I just wanted to sincerely apologize to you. I should have told you the truth - the WHOLE ugly fucked up truth from the beginning. I wasn't a good friend to you. If you were going to hear about it.. y'know the baby and Quinn and stuff, it should have come from me. I feel horrible for how I treated you, but I really swear I never meant to hurt you."

She was mostly staring at the ground the whole time but I could tell she was peeking up at me in her side vision every so often.

"You're right Finn. You weren't a good friend to me, not at ALL."

The hurt in her voice was just killing me and I didn't even realize it, but I had tears streaming down my own face. Then my throat knotted up and I just couldn't stop it, the dam broke open.

"Rachel I care about you so much, and I promise I didn't mean to hurt you. I just, am.. I'm really screwed up right now! Like I kinda ruined my whole life and my future and I have basically nobody to talk to about it and I panicked and kinda pulled you into MY mess under false pretenses maybe, but please believe me that I'm so so so sorry and I promise to never do that to you again."

She finally stepped all the way out of the doorway and threw her arms around me and hugged me so tight. I hugged her back and just cried on her shoulder for like five minutes. Then she took my hand and brought me inside and made me a cup of hot chocolate. And she sat and listened while I explained everything to her about Quinn and the baby. And I knew it would be SO wrong to lead her on any further, but I didn't want her to think that I didn't care about her. So I explained how, if it wasn't for the baby, I would rather be with her. But now I'm stuck with this responsibility and I just can't turn my back on Quinn and the mistake I made now.

She held her hand over mine the whole time I talked, she never interrupted me. And then we just sat quietly for a long time, I don't even know how long, when she finally spoke.

"Finn, I guess I understand how you could get so desperate. And I know this situation is.. well, it's pretty bad I suppose. I mean, I've never been a teen mother and never known anyone who has, but… I know YOU. I know you're strong and talented. I know how much passion you have in your heart. But I also know that, aside from this unfortunate thing you did to me with our date, I know you're an honorable person. I know you are trying to do the right thing for.. for your child. So. I forgive you for what you did to me. And I know this will all work out somehow, you just can't give up on yourself. And if you need a friend to lean on, please know you can always lean on me Finn, I promise."

Rachel Berry is possibly the most amazing person I ever met. Yeah she's cute and talented and smart.. But she is also the kindest, most forgiving, beautiful soul. I can still see the hurt and pain in her eyes even as she said those words, and I know what she's feeling because I'm feeling it too. But I think we understand each other better now. Because before I got here, she may have gone on hating me forever and ended our friendship permanently - and I wouldn't have blamed her if she did. And before I got here, I had no idea what the meaning of TRUE FRIENDSHIP was.

I can't ever lose her friendship. I seriously don't think I'll ever have another friend like her again. I don't even know if Puck could get what I'm going through and I really don't think he could show THIS kind of compassion to me, especially if I'd just done something that screwed him over. God I wish I had never dated Quinn Fabray! I know I probably shouldn't say that, but just for right now, just looking into Rachel's swollen red eyes, I really regret ever having met her let alone dating her!

. . . . .

RACHEL TO THE RESCUE…AGAIN.

Rachel said she would THINK about coming back to glee, but for now she was still committed to the play and she had been given full creative control of it too, so she was even busier than before. Plus it would be very hard for her to be in the same room with me & Quinn… I guess I understood that.

Meantime Mr. Schue went ahead and brought some older lady - like my mom's age practically - to take Rachel's place in the club…? Wha- h-how does that even work? I have no idea. Her name was April and she was a really good singer, but by the time we had our first invitational performance on stage in front of a REAL audience in the auditorium, this 'new old chick' of Mr Schue's kinda flaked out on us. She quit before we finished the show! Well that's great, everyone in the club was disappointed and Mr Schue was apologizing, and right then I saw Rachel appear in the doorway behind him. I didn't even know she'd come to the show - but I guess I should've known she couldn't stay away from a live performance.

I guess she musta heard Mr Schue explaining how April left and was going to cancel the rest of the show. So she spoke softly to the whole room. "Excuse me. I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go on for April, if you'd let me."

Mercedes asked her "Since when are you willing to be an understudy?"

"Since I quit the play."

Kurt asked "Really? Why?"

And then she said something that floored me.

"I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend." and she looked straight into my eyes and said "If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself."

Rachel came back to save the day for me, once again. Only this time, I KNOW she did it for ME. She said she was doing it for the club, but I knew the reason why she came back. The room was quiet, even Mr. Schue hadn't spoken, I think he wanted the whole team to decide to welcome her back, but just at that moment I was too busy trying to contain the lump that was trying to knot up my throat again and to not let the tears jump into my eyes, bad as I felt like letting them.

Then Rachel added "I know all the words to the song."

"You don't know the choreography." yeah, typical QUINN thing to say, right? It pissed me off.

So I said "Then we're gonna have to give her a lot of help out there."

And so we did. Rachel came back to Glee and we went out on that stage and sang 'Somebody to Love' with me and her as lead vocals, just the way it was meant to be. And it was PERFECT. And I just wanted to kiss her right there in front of everyone. I knew what she did and why she did it, even if nobody else would ever know.

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A/N - Sophomore year canon is SO BIG, it's been hard deciding how much to include/exclude and where to put chapter breaks.. But there is A LOT of future story to be told after TV canon. so I've tried to use only the parts that mainly focus on driving the story of FINCHEL forward, so if you're wondering why certain things were not mentioned that's probably why. I also had to sort of tweak timelines or rearrange a few events in the name of condensing or course correcting the story just a bit, so theres a little bit of difference from TV timelines but.. I think it fits this story better. :)

If you're enjoying this please let me know? I love to hear from you!

THANKS AGAIN SO MUCH FOR READING!

FINCHEL FOREVER xoxoxo

FIN HUDSON LIVES RIGHT HERE..ALWAYS!