CH4: WMHS-Sophomore year. Pt III
A WHOLE LOTTA WEIRD.
Once Rachel returned to Glee things felt a little better for me, well in Glee anyway. At least I know I have her friendship if nothing else, and as long as we're friends and can still perform together, I think I can handle my insane life a little easier. That's at least one good thing I can look forward to.
That's what I thought anyway, until Quinn started shoving medical bills for the baby doctor checkups at me and insisting I had to find a way to pay for them. Don't get me wrong - I'm totally happy to do whatever I can to help - I WANT to help - but these bills are like REALLY big, and I'm only 16 years old! Does she think I have a money tree somewhere at home, or a trust fund? I mean, I've been looking for a part time job, but it hasn't been easy to find work at my age (and height, apparently) - especially not the kind of work that pays a teenager worth a damn, not enough for these kinds of expenses.
Quinn decided she was going to have the baby, but not keep it. I mean, I did tell her I'd support any decision she made but.. I guess I just don't get any say in the matter? Like, I thought we'd at least TALK about the options and decide TOGETHER. But now, it's like, I have to pay the bills and take care of her and her weird ass cravings and hormonal mood swings, and be emotional support and a PROVIDER, but I can't even suggest a name for the kid without getting my head ripped off? (And I don't care what she says, I came up with the COOLEST name… even if we're not keeping him/her - and it works for a boy or a girl…Like, who wouldn't love a name like Drizzle?!)
I even tried to let her know I was willing to help raise our kid together, but she just keeps saying she's not ready to be a mom and her parents would KILL her if they ever found out. Well, being the president of the Celibacy club, maybe she's right about that part. But I'm not sure how she thinks she can keep it a secret forever… um, hello, LABOR? For now her excuse for the extra weight is that she ate a big lunch, but what about when her bump is really showing as the baby grows… Shouldn't that be the dead giveaway? But she's just really been wearing me down and stressing me out about needing money, so I just kept trying to find a job to help cover the bills but wasn't having any luck and all Quinn did was get more and more pissed at me.
Do you know what kind of a great friend Rachel Berry really is? She was there one of the times when Quinn was yelling at me about needing money for doctor bills and Rachel actually helped me find a job! Of course, I'm gonna have to find a way to get 'cured' to walk again so I don't have to stay in a wheelchair forever, but still.. A JOB IS A JOB! And then she turned around and did something even more incredible - she found out JBI had somehow learned about the baby secret. Rachel made a deal with JBI to help prevent the news from being made public knowledge in his blog. She actually had to give up her PANTIES to him so he would kill the story! Who else does that? I don't know anyone else who would go to such extremes to help me out like that. (And also I'm trying hard NOT to kill Jewfro for that stunt – if anyone should be getting Rachel's undies it should—n't be him…. Freakin' perv!)
She really is the best. It actually makes me kinda depressed to think about what a good person Rachel is because, y'know, wanting what you can't have is REALLY SUCKY. If I had to mess up and become a teen dad, why couldn't it be with her? Okay that maybe sounded bad.. And also Rachel I don't think would ever let herself get into this situation.. but you know what I mean.
How could I have fallen for two girls who are SO FREAKIN' DIFFERENT from each other? I'm starting to think something is wrong with ME. And I gotta be honest, I know I've been complaining about Quinn a lot… and in comparison to Rachel, well, she is kinda terrible. But she wasn't like that with me in the beginning, and she really isn't always like that.. She does have a nicer side to her, even if she doesn't show it that often. At least when we're alone, outside of school she's kind of a different person. And I really do care about her an awful lot. I guess I love her? But I don't know for sure if I even know what that even means yet. I'm working on it though.
Then some weird things started going on. Quinn being pregnant of course means her hormones are amping up 'Scary Quinn mode' a LOT, and it's usually directed at me. Ok, I kinda expect that much, I mean I did get her pregnant, and as her boyfriend and baby daddy I guess that's part of my job, to take her crap, so maybe that's not so weird.. But this other stuff IS…
Like, I caught her and Puck in the school home ec room covered in flour and eggs and stuff, like they just had a food fight.. But they were standing real close and sorta looking in each other's eyes and laughing. Which was SUPER weird. They said they were trying to make stuff for a bake sale we were doing to raise money for Artie's special bus for sectionals that cheapskate Figgins refuses to pay for, but when I saw the way they looked at each other it just seemed like something else was going on, like I was interrupting something.
Then Puck started getting on my ass for not providing enough for her. What the hell? He's supposed to be my brother and have my back, but here he is having weird food fights with my girlfriend and ragging on me for not manning up enough? I don't get it.
Then the next weird thing was Rachel. As terrific as Rachel's been as a friend to me and helped me out so much, I've still had to work hard to keep my feelings in check with her. I still care so much about her (and the dreams haven't really stopped), but I have to stay focused on taking care of Quinn. So it REALLY did NOT help me out at all when she showed up at school with a whole new look - like HOLY CRAP, sexy clothes like I've never seen her wear (well, except maybe in one of those dreams). She's got on this really skimpy low cut top with little spaghetti straps, and a new hairstyle and new makeup that just looked… uh SOOOO freakin' HOT. How the hell can I keep her outta my brain when I see her looking like THAT? It's so different from anything she would ever pick for herself makes me wonder if she had help… and if i ever find the bozo that did her look, they'd better watch out!
We had a Glee assignment about hairography that she invited me to her house to help me with. I'm standing there looking at her.. her.. well ALL of her, basically and uh, what could I say? Of course I went. Total DUDE BRAIN takeover again. So I'm sitting in her room waiting for her to come out of her bathroom and expecting us to sing, and she decided we should do that damn Grease duet song from my first day at Glee again, then she finally came out of her bathroom in that sweet Grease CATSUIT! Oh hell at first I thought at first I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean I don't know what's gotten into her lately but I've never seen her like this before, and if I thought she had a smokin' hot body before, well, she really left basically NOTHING to my imagination in that outfit.
But after the initial shock of seeing her looking that way, I started to wonder WHY the hell she was changing herself so suddenly and so extremely? So I stopped the song and talked to her about it. When I asked her why she changed her style so drastically, she admitted it's what she thought I liked. Ahh.. ok this confused me so much and created SO MANY new questions and problems for me…. Of course I was still having to hide my real feelings for her, but after we'd made up from the bowling date debuckle, I thought we decided we would just stay good friends. So WHY was she all of a sudden doing this to try and impress me? Was she hoping I'd leave Quinn? Because that wasn't gonna happen and I thought she knew that - not unless Quinn wanted to break up with me, which didn't really seem likely.
Also, no, just NO - this new look on Rachel was just NOT for her. I mean yeah, she was sexy as hell and everything, but that's just not Rachel's style. That's not the Rachel who I really started to fall for. First of all, she didn't need to change anything to impress me, I'm always impressed by her. Was she losing her confidence or something? But more importantly, WHY would she suddenly decide to do something like this, now, when she knows about the baby and everything? I got a little frustrated, and I remembered Quinn and being faithful to Quinn and yeah, unfortunately my stupid mouth said some more stupid words to the one person who I really never want to hurt but yet I'm pretty positive I did hurt her feelings yet again… I actually said she looked like a sad clown hooker in that catsuit… Aw man. I don't know why she even wants to talk to me half the time. I mean, I did tell her I like the way she normally dresses and there was no reason for her to change anything, especially not for me. But then I had to leave. I just knew if I stayed with her any longer, I was gonna have an impossible time ignoring my dude brain and not cheating on Quinn again.
I told Quin the truth about where I was and what almost happened with Rachel. I did not want to be a liar or a cheater. I was kinda surprised that Quinn was so cool about it and she asked if we can just be in love and forget about anything else. That was another one of those weird things.. Quinn's NEVER been so easily forgiving, especially not when it comes to anything involving Rachel. Baby hormones? I guess that's what it musta been. Or maybe she realized how cool Rachel was to deal with Jewfro and helping to kill that story. Maybe she's seeing Rachel is actually being really cool and trying to help us.
SOMETHING'S UP WITH PUCK
When we first got to McKinley, me and Puck were like two brothers ready to take on the universe together. We planned to dominate the field and show everyone how cool we are (ok well that part was more his goal, but if it worked out for me too then, win-win).
But lately I feel like he's acting really NOT Puck-like, at least around me, and I gotta figure out why. It can't be Glee anymore, because now he's IN the club with me. So is Santana, and he's normally macking on her when nobody is looking - errm, or even when we are looking because let's face it, they don't care who sees.
So since we're the last two guys in the locker room after practice I thought it was a good time to see what was up with him.
"Hey man. Is everything cool with you?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I don't know, you just seem like something's buggin' you lately.. y'know, we're brothers man. If you need to talk about anything you know I'm here for you."
"Finnessa, do you need a tampon? Seems like your heavy flow day is affecting your emotional state again," he snorted at me while rolling his eyes.
"Dude, I'm just asking, okay? Like, we used to hang out and stuff, but I haven't even seen you on COD in a while and it's like we don't talk much at practice on the field or even in Glee anymore. Almost feels a little like you're avoiding me. So I'm just wondering if you're pissed about something, or at me - even though I can't figure why that would be."
"Jesus dude. Pull up your thong already, your vag is showing again. We don't need an Oprah moment alright? I'm cool, we're cool, everything with ME is just COOL.. YOU on the other hand, seem to have bigger problems than anyone I know."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Um, how about one sneaky hot little Jew babe that I happen to know is giving you wood every time you see her - and probably even when you don't."
"Puck wha- that's just - I am just.. You mean Rachel? We're just friends man. What the hell, where did that come from?"
"Are you fuckin' serious dude? Okay let me fill you in on a little something… that day we were gonna roll Artie, when you staged a nerd rescue and went back to rejoin Glee on your 'save the losers' campaign. Yeah, well I came over to the auditorium after practice. I had to see for myself just what the hell you were so fired up about that you'd jeopardize your rep and risk your BALLS for. I saw you and that sweet little piece twirling around on the stage man. I've known you almost my whole life, you've never looked at ANY other chick the way you were looking at her. And it was like she had 'INSERT TONGUE HERE' written all over her mouth when she looked at you. And yeah ok the song was pretty cool and whatever, but that's not the thing I noticed the most.. It was you and Rachel. You two were so ready to hump each other senseless right on that stage, I'm kinda surprised SHE isn't the one that turned up FINN-pregnated."
"DUDE! What the fuck man? First off, don't talk about Rachel like that! And second, we are just FRIENDS and she's been helping me with my singing and stuff, that's ALL!"
"Singing? Riiight… Finn admit it. You have the hots for her. And she very certainly wants to climb you like a stairway to heaven. I'm not judging man - she's really a mighty fine little Jewish piece of tail - once you get past that sandpaper like personality, the nose and all the damned TALKING… but if you can shut her up long enough, she could be worth a ride."
"Puck I swear to fuck I'm gonna punch you in the face if you don't stop–"
"See what I mean? Why so defensive, FINNESSA?! You're being awfully over-protective of her. Look me in the eye, tell me you don't have feelings for Berry." Shit. He's got me by the nads here.. He knows all my tells better than I do, it's why I never play poker with him anymore.
"Dammit Puck. It's just.. Yeah okay… Rach and me are friends, but y'know, there might have been something more in the beginning, except there just ISN'T and there CAN'T be now… and you already know why not. Why are we even talking about this? You said no Oprah moments."
"Finn man. I don't envy the spot you're in, seriously… but if you have real feelings for Berry why are you stringing Quinn along? You don't think if I can see it, that Quinn can see it too? Because I promise you - she sees it."
"What exactly does that mean? How am I stringing her along? What could Quinn possibly see, and what would you know about it anyway?"
"Chicks are like, psychic over this kinda shit man. Q can see Berry drooling over you even if you don't notice it all the time or, maybe ever… and also YOU seem to take your sweet time 'rehearsing' those duets and dance moves with Berry. Not to mention, I personally have seen you watching her when you think nobody is looking. You've got the hottest chick in the whole school aka QUINN FABRAY - knocked up at that - and you're eye-fucking another babe. So tell me how YOU don't NEED an Oprah moment on the couch, man?"
"Has Quinn said something?"
"Ahh.. DUH. She hates Berry but you should already know that. Especially after that speech she made in Celibacy club. San tells me some stuff, I usually tune most of it out but… I know Q isn't happy with you singing & dancing with Berry - that super sexed up pep assembly shit pretty much sent her into a blind rage, even if she didn't completely freak out on you about it. But San said it's WHY they all joined glee, so Q can keep an eye on you two. And since this singing sex thing seems to NOT be ending any time soon, and since you two both seems to want to keep making Hallmark moment googly eyes at each other all the fuckin' time, I'm just asking, what do you want man? Why not do something about it? Because I have NEVER seen you look at Quinn the way you look at Berry. It ain't fair to Q, dude."
Fuck. I know he's right - about all of it. But dammit, I didn't intend to be having THIS conversation with him. Goddamn Puck. Of course he just knows me THAT well. I shoulda realized he'd read me like a book at some point. That said, it still doesn't explain his weirdness lately though…
"Look Puck. Rachel and me, we kissed ok, not long after I joined Glee. It was one time and it was a mistake and I knew it after it happened, because yeah I was dating Quinn. But the mistake wasn't that I kissed Rachel, it's that I wasn't free to kiss her… and I had planned to fix that, except then I found out I was gonna be a FATHER the next day."
Pretty sure Puck's face has literally turned to stone. I think he's in some kinda trance when I tell him that I kissed Rachel. "Dude, please don't make a big thing out of this, because Rachel and me already had a talk after I found out about the baby. She knows I'm with Quinn and I have responsibilities there that I just can't walk away from. And I don't wanna walk away, like, it's MY kid right? Look at you and me, we know what it is to not have a dad in the picture. Or to have a crap dad… I don't want this kid to think their dad didn't care."
Puck's still doing some weird statue impersonation. But he also looks seriously PISSED, and I don't understand it?
"Okay great so, you prefer Berries to Buns and you've already sampled the forbidden fruit… But you KNOW that's a douchebag thing to do to Quinn. I mean seriously, I should be punching you in the nads because Q's got a bun baking that YOU need to be manning up to deal with better. If you don't want the job then maybe you need to–"
"STOP right there Puck! Before you cross a line here, I fuckin mean it man. Dude what the hell is your problem?! Just because your dad was a dick doesn't mean I'm a dick! Why are YOU so concerned for Quinn's well being? Is it because you think I'll suck as a dad? Because guess what, she doesn't even wanna keep the kid, so I guess it doesn't even matter… even if it matters TO ME. And I can't change her mind, plus I'm a damn kid myself and not ready for this shit, but I'm doing my best, y'know? Can't you try to be a friend and have my back?"
Puck looks down at the floor and sighs loudly. Then he looks at me with sorta sad eyes and says "Yeah. Yeah you're my brother and 'course I got your back. I just.. Yeah, the whole deadbeat dad thing, y'know it's a sore spot for me. You're right. Just don't be a dick. Okay? And no more Berry pie until or unless you cut Q loose, which it sounds like you don't wanna do… So what are you gonna do about Berry?"
Yeah. That's the question right there, isn't it?
RESISTING RACHEL.
It's SO NOT easy to keep these feelings I have for Rachel in check when Mr. Schue assigns the kind of duets like this one. I guess him and Coach Sylvester are having a major blowout that makes no kinda sense to me… she's accusing him of discriminating against the 'minority' kids in the club - which is just like CRAZY talk! Mr. Schue is nothing but fair to everyone all the time! But she took half of the club as her own separate team anyway, I guess because she can? At first it was a pretty even divide and Puck Brit, me, Rach and Quinn stayed with Mr Schue.
He said coach's group was singing about hate and he wanted us to do the opposite. I LOVE the song he assigned us, but once again, it was me & Rachel in a duet - and you know already how I feel about that - but us singing this song… UGH! I just see it in Rach's eyes, every word she sings it's like she's shooting love arrows right into my chest and she's staring at me with those sexy brown eyes and somehow I'm s'posed to sing these words and dance and touch her and NOT be affected. Like, HOW? Because me & Rach are singing this song about needing the other person like AIR to breathe and we're holding hands so much and I'm putting my arms around her and OH GOD, JUST KILL ME!
I'm starting to think Mr. Schue is some kind of revenging psychic who's like, inside my head and just KNOWS what lyrics are basically saying the words I want to say to Rachel all the time. And I already have Quinn watching every move we make - and looky, I didn't create the damn dance moves ok? I'm not COMPLAINING about them, not really, except for the fact that this is like some new creative evil form of teenage torture invented just so I have to basically live in the locker room shower under cold running water… At this rate I think I need to invite Mr. Clark to come join Glee in his uniform, or at least sit in on our rehearsals.
Then to make matters worse, Puck and Brit defected over to Coach's side and so now it's just Rach, Quinn and ME left in Mr. Schue's group, so you just can't know how TOTALLY AWKWARD this is! It's like the universe is out to test me every time I turn around. How much more of this am I expected to take before I screw something up with one of these girls to the point where they BOTH hate me? I mean I do care about both of them, in different ways though. And for totally different reasons. I could try to talk to Rachel about it but.. that's probably a bad idea. I never get my words right with her, not usually, so I'll either end up slapped in the face again and losing her friendship, or kissing her again. Now as much as I'd really like option 2, it's just not right. So I just have to keep living in the shower I guess? Geez I'm probably the cleanest dude in the whole SCHOOL by now.
JBI IS A DOUCHEBAG!
THAT SON OF A BITCH! I mean, we knew at some point Quinn was not gonna be able to hide the baby bump and the secret would sorta let itself out. But this is just insane… JBI went ahead and published the damn story about me and Quinn that he already BLACKMAILED Rachel for her panties and promised not to run (and let me tell you how I still want to kill him just for THAT alone). Coach Sylvester already knew about it ahead of time, I guess he talked to her about it first? Probably his 'can you confirm the rumor' bullshit.
So now my world which was already crashing sideways just got shaken up like a snowglobe, and so did Quinn's. She had a total meltdown in my arms when we found out about it, and while I stood there holding her, Rachel watched from across the hall. She looked at me with so much sadness and I could hear the apologies oozing out of her, as if it was her fault, as if she didn't do enough to stop it, which of course is ridiculous.
Once Quinn calmed down a little and went to the girls room to freshen up, Rachel pulled me aside, told me how bad she felt. She asked what she could do to help. I told her it's not her fault but there really wasn't anything, unless she can make the school not read that jerk's blog or make Quinn forget she's in this situation. Rach sorta smiled and said, "well there's at least one thing we could do, we can let Quinn know she's not alone, she still has friends. It's what it means for us to all be in Glee together - we're our own little family and we'll all be there for her." So Rachel planned the song and the choreography and quickly pulled the club together to do a song for Quinn.
Rachel's got the biggest heart, I swear. She picked the PERFECT song. Which of course we sang together and of course, it sorta killed me a little more that I can't tell her exactly how amazing she is in the way I want to… this damn song just did something to me. It wasn't planned in the choreography, but the words were SO RIGHT and I just wasn't thinking about what I was doing really, but close to the end of the song I was standing between Rach and Quinn and I just, in that moment I had to keep holding on to both of them - literally, grabbed both their hands. Like I needed them BOTH for me to keep my own feet on the floor or something. Yeah, we were trying to offer support to Quinn, but somehow I wanted to let Rach know I wasn't forgetting her either. It was like an automatic thing… she'd looked at me a couple times through the song in a way that damn near brought me to tears. I might just love them both, if that's possible… I don't want to hurt either one of them, I know that much.. But yet I don't see how it's possible NOT to. I'm screwed.
. . . . .
My mom knows about the baby now. And so do Quinn's parents.. Well, they found out when I sang a song to Quinn at their house for dinner which basically announced the fact that she's pregnant. We'd spent all this time fighting about her hiding it from everyone, but now the secret is out at school and I just couldn't do it anymore. The pressure was killing me. So with some help from Kurt I found the courage and the songs I needed to sing it out and make it right.
Except, Quinn turned out to be 100% correct - she said they would freak out, and yeah, her parents threw her out of her house. Her dad was a huge douche about it, even if her mom didn't seem to agree I guess she doesn't get much of a say in his decision? What a crappy thing to do to your own daughter!? So my mom of course, amazing woman she is, agreed to let Quinn stay with us. This isn't going to be an easy adjustment but we're making it work.. And I feel like I'm doing right by my kid, even if it's not going to really be ours and we're giving her up. Maybe Quinn will change her mind. My mom would probably rather we keep the baby and would definitely help us out as much as possible.
SLUSHIES SUCK ASS!
Well the HITS just keep on coming! As word starts to spread around the school, the whispers and gossip and stares and laughter and shit is just starting to hit the fan. And then when you think it's as bad as it's gonna get and you can manage the crap in front of you, WOOSH! You get slammed in the face with a SLUSHIE. Son of a bitch KAROFSKY! Bad enough he smacked me with the slushie but he kinda got Quinn too since she was next to me. I was about to go all Braveheart on him when he sneered in my face about how we're not the IT couple anymore, we've lost all credibility due to the pregnancy. Whatever!
But before we could say or do anything more, Coach Sylvester showed up and… well, no big shock I guess but Quinn was officially kicked off the Cheerios, due to the baby. I mean it wasn't a big shock to me anyway. I actually feel a little better about it because I was already nervous about her doing too many dance moves in Glee, let alone being tossed in the air like a graduation cap on a football field! That stuff can't be good for the baby! I had tried to talk to Quinn about quitting before and she REFUSED like wouldn't even CONSIDER that it was maybe a bad idea to keep being that kind of active until the baby is born.
And so now Quinn's incredibly depressed and super pissed, I'm covered in corn syrup and having ice pond flashbacks and PTSD, and my list of dudes whose ASSES I need to kick keeps growing. OH, AND - for some bizarre reason, Coach Tanaka decided to add another MANDATORY football practice at the same time as glee club and basically told me and the guys we'd have to CHOOSE one or the other! I just don't understand what the hell has happened. Like, a few months ago my life was pretty normal, I was QB on top of the world, and today, I'm being forced to choose between two things that I like a lot and means everything to me - that is, ANOTHER choice between 2 other things that mean so much to me.
And as if ALL of that isn't all the shit spinning on the fan yet… I walked into the choir room and I see Rachel Berry with NOAH FUCKING PUCKERMAN wrapping his arm around her shoulders and whispering in her ear as she giggles away. The world officially just tipped over axes. And y'know what sucks the worst is THERE'S NOTHING I CAN SAY ABOUT IT! Maybe this is what it feels like for Rach to see me with Quinn? Whatever it is, it fucking sucks. My so-called best friend - who knows what he knows about me & Rach - and THIS is his answer to being a supportive friend? What the hell! And why is Rachel even even falling for him like that? He's so NOT her type, not even a little bit.. Other than being Jewish and in Glee together, they have like nothing in common! Puck must have really worked a number on her - unless, maybe she just decided she can't be with me so she's moving on? But why PUCK? UGH.
So the only choice I feel like I can make between Glee and football, is to NOT see Rachel with my best friend. I just can't do it. Not without wanting to tackle him and sweep her away somewhere far from this place. But I can't DO that because I have a baby and a pregnant girlfriend to worry about!
Now the damn guys on the damn team think they are going to FORCE me to join THEIR side of being bullies and want me to start slinging slushies – and because Kurt just quit the team and chose Glee over football (yeah that was still a thing that we still don't need to talk about) they expect HIM to be MY first target. Dude. I just can't deal. Maybe I can get appendixitis or cough up a lung and need to leave school for a while. But no, I have 4 guys from the team including Azimio and Karofsky WATCHING me to be sure I get the slushy. Fortunately coach called them in his office so they didn't actually follow me, but I made my way all the way to Kurt's locker, and I just couldn't do it. And Rachel is standing there looking at me like I just killed her puppy. LIke the traitor I turned out to be. It was crushing my soul to see her look at me like that. I told them what was going on, the jocks were forcing me to but I didn't want to do it. So what happens next? KURT SLUSHIES HIMSELF! He did it I guess so it would look like I did it, and says he took one for the team, asked me to consider if my jock friends would do anything like that for me. Dammit. I don't wanna choose between these teams! I want them both! And I don't wanna choose between Rach and Quinn but.. Well I still don't know the answer to that one but. GAAAA my life is a MESS!
. . . . .
After getting some advice from Mr Schue, I had a chat with coach Tanaka. I kinda stated my case how unfair it is to make us choose between glee and football. For whatever reason, he suddenly seemed to finally agree, and canceled the 2nd mandatory practice, so I can still do glee and football and life can go back to normal - or whatever it was before. I went back to Glee club bringing apology slushies for everyone… and they welcomed me with open arms. But when we all learned Mr. Schue had never been slushied, so we decided to remedy that! Yeah, he got 12 of them all at once and took like a true GLEEK haha! It was pretty awesome!
Returning to Glee feels great, but I guess it helps that the other thing that was stressing me out sorta worked itself out as well - for whatever reason, Rachel decided NOT to date Puck. I'm not gonna ask questions, I'm just glad that was how it ended up. He's not right for her. Maybe I'm being selfish but I don't care... Rachel is too special and deserves someone that KNOWS how special she is. Puck would just use her and break her heart in the long run because that's what he does…. But shit. I guess I already did that too, huh? Well, at least I KNEW I messed up and tried to fix things with her and at least I know she's still my friend. For now, that's enough - well, it isn't really, but I guess it has to be.
KARMA IS A BITCH.
I guess I make too many assumptions in my life. Maybe I'm pretty gullible sometimes but, certain things you think you can just safely assume to ALWAYS be true. Like, I know I can assume my mom will be home with me every day. And I know I can assume our football team will probably keep sucking, or I can assume that Thursday is pizza night, or the sky is blue or the grass is green. And yeah yeah, I KNOW I kissed Rachel - twice - while still dating Quinn, so I was in the wrong there. Technically Rachel kissed ME the 2nd time AND technically, if it wasn't for the baby thing Quinn and me would have been broken up already anyways… but ok, that aside. I had just assumed my girlfriend was HONEST and trustworthy, like I also assumed my best friend would be LOYAL to me. But NEVER did I EVER expect my so-called best friend, my BROTHER and my girlfriend would CHEAT on me and sleep together! OHHH but they totally DID, and guess what? Turns out the baby, MY baby? No, NOT my kid, it's really PUCK'S – and EVERYONE in the goddamned Glee club knew it but nobody told me!
Nobody, that is, until Rachel found out. She was my only REAL friend and she told me the truth - or at least, she told me what she thought was the truth - and turned out she was right. I don't understand how she saw something that I missed that was SO BIG, but I've said before how smart Rachel is. She notices things like that. Maybe she had other reasons for telling me, but I believe she was mostly just being my friend, like she promised she would be. Rachel hates lying. She hates deception. Rachel is the most honest person I know. And she hates Quinn - probably with good reason, considering how Quinn treats her most of the time. Can't fault her for that I s'pose.
Well, ok HATE is maybe not the right way to describe it. In fact - add this to the list of weird stuff that's been happening - I've noticed Rachel trying to be friendly toward Quinn quite a few times since the baby news went public, that's including the Avril Lavigne song she had the club do for her. I seriously don't understand Rachel at all sometimes. How can she have such a big heart, especially to someone who's been nothing but mean to her? How can she even want to defend a girl who's treated her like crap for the last several years and try to make her life a little easier? Quinn sure never did anything nice for Rachel.
Quinn fucking liar Fabray. And Noah 'I always got your back brother' asshole Puckerman. How did I miss that? WHY would they do this to me? If Quinn wanted someone else, she coulda just said so and we coulda been done. And honestly, that woulda been just fine by me. But to make ME believe I was the father..? Okay I now realize the hot tub story was SO far fetched.. But still. It's like, why pick me when I'm not the guy? I wasn't good enough to have sex with, but Puck's not good enough to have a baby with? I don't have a clue what's going on in her crazy chick brain. Did she just wanna hurt me? Maybe she was mad or jealous about Rachel and it was like a revenge plot… but Puck? HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME? Yeah. I know I said there was nothing that could end our friendship… but then again, I never saw anything like this coming. How could I?
Well screw them all. Quinn, Puckerman, and all those ass-hats in the club who knew and never said anything. I know now who I can trust - nobody. Except maybe Rachel. She did promise to be my friend no matter what and so far she's stayed true to her word. I hate to admit it but I did sorta care about Quinn a lot, and I really thought she cared about me too. Love SUCKS. Girls suck. And so-called best friends who screw you over REALLY suck. Lucky for him Mr Schue showed up when he did after I found out… I never thought I'd be beating the crap outta my best friend like that, but it sorta felt good in the moment. Well, my EX-best friend now I guess I should say. I know punching his face in doesn't change anything, but y'know, I do have a little temper sometimes. Dude, I wish I could transfer schools. I don't wanna see ANY of them now, not even in the hallway. Whatever.
Oh god and the worst part of all - that crazy lying bitch has been living IN MY HOUSE! Now what? I feel like taking all her stuff and having a bonfire in the backyard.. Well, just a small piece of me feels like that. I just need her to be GONE. And shit - now I have to tell mom.. Aw man. She's gonna think I'm an idiot. Well maybe I AM an idiot… but still, she's my mom. She'll know how to handle the Quinn thing, I hope. I feel horrible though, because she thought she was becoming a grandma - which NO, the timing was LESS than ideal and NOT the way she wanted it to happen - but I think she was actually getting excited about the idea. She took Quinn shopping for maternity clothes and stuff, and she came with us to the last doctor appointment. I don't think mom likes Quinn very much, but she was getting used to the idea of a grandbaby… she's probably gonna be heartbroken too - maybe relieved, but also heartbroken. Like I am.
I was really getting into the idea of having this kid and falling in love with the possibility of him/her a little more every day. Even if Quinn insisted on giving the baby up for adoption, I would at least know that kid was out there somewhere and maybe one day we'd have a chance to know each other. I was still hoping to change Quinn's mind but I guess it doesn't matter now. How could Quinn be so cruel ON PURPOSE.. to ME? And I guess Puck knew about it from the start? Why wouldn't he just tell me? Well I guess this all explains the weirdness I was noticing.. That food fight, Puck pushing me about being a good dad and my thing with Rachel - and HIS thing with Rachel?!.. Quinn forgave me so easily about being at Rachel's. So what, have those two been screwing around my back this whole time? I don't even wanna know the answer. Just, I don't get it. How did he think he could hide it from me forever? How did she? Ugh! I just want to go punch him some more!
. . . . .
So yeah I quit Glee again, this time right before sectionals. Had to, can't be in a room with any of them. I'm humiliated, I'm pissed off, and heartbroken. It's such a weird mix of hellish emotions, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. And yet… I really wanted to be there for sectionals. It's the thing we've been working so hard to get to for so long now, the thing so many of us have taken heat about, slushy facials and all.. and we've gotten really good. Mr. Schue thinks we have a real chance to win.
Well, good luck without me now I guess. Not a single one of them even tried to talk me into staying - not even Rachel. But I think Rachel feels guilty for telling me about the baby thing, and maybe she's a little bit afraid to say too much to me right now, but I don't know why. I did get a text message from her that night saying how sorry she was, that she felt terrible for having to be the one to tell me, and asking if I was ok. She felt bad. But as much as I care about her, I feel like I can't even look her in the eye because I'm SO STUPID to believe I got Quinn knocked up without actually having sex or anything close to it. It was almost as humiliating as what happened after the kiss with Rach in the auditorium… maybe even more humiliating. I tried to text her back like 5 times but I didn't know what to say. NO I'm not okay and yeah thanks for saving me from a lifetime of lies but my life is wrecked again at the moment so break a leg at sectionals. Is that what I shoulda said? I think my fists in Puckerman's face said everything she needed to know. For now at least.
That night I told mom what happened, and as I expected, she handled the removal of Quinn Fabray from our house for me. Mom is SO awesome. She didn't belittle me or judge me. She DID spend an hour going back over how babies are made… like seriously, MOM, PLEASE?! But the next day I didn't go to school. Mom was kind and understanding enough to give me a day to just try to get myself together and she let me stay home.
Well, I guess me not answering her text the night before and then skipping school the next day freaked her out or something, because Rachel showed up at my house after school. Mom was at work and I heard the knock at the door and was pretty surprised to see Rach standing there, with a fresh baked batch of banana bread and a big pearly white smile. Of course I invited her in and we went to sit at the kitchen table. She handed me the plate.
"I - I thought you could maybe use a little cheering up, so I baked this for you, I hope you like banana bread." She looked sorta nervous.
"Thanks Rach, yeah it's my favorite actually." I quickly snatched a piece "OHMUH GA DISIZ DLISHHH" I said with a big mouthful.
She giggled at me "Well thank you I'm glad you like it - but don't talk with your mouth full." She watched me eat 2 more pieces, then said "Finn I was so worried about you, especially when you didn't come to school today. I'm just so sorry for everything that happened."
What? Why is she apologizing to me? This wasn't her fault in any way shape or form! "Rach stop - you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you seem to be the only real friend I have right now, the only person I can trust. You told me the truth, even if I was too dumb to see it for myself."
"You are NOT dumb, Finn, please don't say that. You just… trusted people you care about, and they lied to you. That's not your fault either."
"Thanks Rach. I just wish… I wish I'd paid closer attention to what was going on between them. And really, I wish I'd met you first.. Then none of this would have happened. You're a better friend to me than I deserve, Rachel. I hurt you and you forgave me, and now you're here to comfort me over the thing I hurt you with. Why are you so good to me?"
"Because I care about you, Finn. Because you've pretty much been my ONLY friend when nobody else would be… I think you probably still are. Of course I'll be here for you, now and for always."
I really didn't want to talk about this baby thing anymore, the damage was done. But Rachel, she was still here and still trying to make me feel good. I couldn't say anything else, I just scooped her up in a big hug. "Thank you." That was all I could say before the tears started to fall again.
TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.
So it's like 4 days later, the day of the competition. I spent all night tossing and turning, part of me wishing I could go, part of me just wanting to go kick Puck's ass some more and tell Quinn some more what a treacherous lying bitch she is. Part of me still didn't want to let the team down - but the team let ME down, and in a much worse way than anything involving a stupid singing competition. I really thought those guys were my friends, or at least in Glee we all had each other's backs, we were the SAME in Glee. That's what I THOUGHT. Hmmmpff. Yeah right. Loser that I am, believing such crap could be true.
I don't know why, but Mr. Schue tracked me down in the locker room while I cleared my football stuff out for the season. No, I didn't really need to be there doing that right then, but I didn't want to see the rest of the team yet and definitely not Puck, so at least it was a quiet time and an empty school. I could just grab my crap and get outta there without any hassles… because I GUARANTY the team is gonna hassle the shit out of me now over this.
Well, Mr. Schue found me there, and reminded me that I'm the leader of this club and they needed me today. He understands what I'm dealing with - hell, he's probably literally the ONLY one on earth that gets it, considering what his chick-batty wife just did to him - she lied about being pregnant altogether! Fake strap on baby bump and all! I mean I don't know how he lived with her and went to their baby doctor appointments and he didn't know the truth sooner - man these chicks are just INSANE – it's like her and Quinn took a class on how to screw a dude over! And boy did they, both of them!
Whatever. Point is, Mr. Schue made me feel kinda guilty for leaving the team. They musta found someone to take my place, considering that 12 member rule in order to compete.. I don't know who they got on such short notice to replace me, but whoever it is can't be as good a singer as me. And whoever it is certainly can't keep up with Rachel's singing - hell I don't think I'm THAT good and yet we do sing so good together.
Rachel. Dammit. Rachel wants Glee to succeed so badly… and I'm letting her down by not being there. She forgave me for being a crap friend, for using her, for lying. She came back to Glee for ME when I needed her most. She tried like hell to stop JBI from making the secret go public - at great personal sacrifice. Rachel was my only true friend who told me the truth. And now I'm totally letting her down by not being there for the most important thing the club has done yet. Shit. I can't do that to her, not to Rachel. Not again. I promised her I'd repay her for her unbelievably cool friendship, and I promised I wouldn't screw her over again. No. I WILL NOT let her down this time.
Rachel needs my help to win this thing.. And from what Mr. Schue just told me, they need help now more than ever, since apparently our original setlist got leaked and all the other choirs are using OUR songs and ideas! Like what the hell, none of them has a kid in a wheelchair. How or why can they even do 'Proud Mary' in wheelchairs? That's pretty low. Stealing the song is one thing but the wheelchair performance? That's really scummy.
Mr. Schue left me his car keys, and a hint. He told me You Can't Always Get What You Want. He would know that for a fact - poor Mr. Schue had to take the fall for us, because we kinda screwed up without knowing it….
See, Rachel managed to book a commercial for us to appear in for a mattress company (which was TOTALLY AWESOME!), and they paid us with mattresses. It just so happens the mattresses showed up to the school the same night Mr. Schue found out about his lying crazy wife and her fake baby, and he slept here on one of them. Except by the rules of the show choir book, accepting any payment for any performance erases our amateur status and prohibits us from competing at sectionals. Well instead of it affecting the entire club, HE took the fall and now he can't be our Glee director or participate at all for sectionals. So we lost our director and our setlist. Ms. Pillsbury chaperoned in his place and has been filling him in on how bad things are over there.
I totally figured out what he was telling me, I found the sheet music for that song jumped in his car and headed off to the competition (and MAN did it feel good to smash the shit out of the Cheerio's copier after I printed the copies - considering it was their coach who leaked our setlist to the other clubs! I knew Coach Sue being involved in our Glee business was gonna end badly - she's been trying to ruin us all year!)
When I walked into the green room, everyone was still in meltdown mode but they were trying to pull a new setlist together. It was really such a shame Mercedes lost her chance to do her song because it was OFF THE HOOK brilliant! But she and Rachel had decided Rach would take the solo with one of her standards. I also noticed JBI was apparently who they got to replace me.. Jesus, talk about desperation! I immediately dismissed him (and he seemed pretty relieved - he's also pretty lucky I didn't clock him for his comment about getting into Rachel's pants). I got our dancers to get together quickly to set up new choreography and turned to Rach. Of course she was only worried about me and how I was doing, but I told her to focus on HER and her big solo. I knew she was gonna knock it out of the park and MAN those judges had no idea what kinda treat they were in for!
Quinn tried to say something to me, I ignored her. Puck tried to make peace, I blew him off too. All that mattered was Rachel and winning this thing. And WIN WE DID! Rach's version of 'Rain On My Parade' was a SHOWSTOPPER! Holy hell that girl can sing sing SING! I already knew it, but MAN I was SO PROUD of her! I just hugged the stuffings outta Rach when they announced our victory!
After we got back to the school, we wanted to surprise Mr. Schue with our 1st place trophy since he had to miss out on our first major victory at competition. We did a Kelly Clarkson song, 'My Life Would Suck Without You' for him. I watched Rachel as she organized the club, rearranged the choreography using dance stuff from all the songs we'd performed so far this year. She got everyone so excited to do this for Mr. S. Rachel is a force of nature when she's fired up on a project like that.
She's so damned talented and beautiful and amazing… I invited her to Breadstix that night, for a real date. Of course she agreed to go. We had a pretty great dinner, but I wasn't so focused on the food. Rachel looked so pretty in her white dress with blue polka dots. We talked about the competition, how I came back mostly for her. When it was time to drop her home, we sat in my truck and talked a while longer until her dads were flipping the porch light on and off, a signal for her to come in. It crossed my mind seeing the light blinking, it was like an alarm going off. I finally had the right and the freedom to kiss her - and so I did.