CHAPTER 5: WMHS Sophomore Year. Part IV

I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds

But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside

I would swallow my doubt, Turn it inside out

Find nothin' but faith in nothin'

Want to put my tender heart in a blender

Watch it spin 'round to a beautiful oblivion

Rendezvous then I'm through with you

JUST SO MUCH… RACHEL.

Uhh. Remember how crazy intense I said Rachel was? Yeah, well that kinda applies to every single thing in her life. There's so many cool things about her - her talent (obviously), her passion, her drive, her confidence, just to name a few - but she's also kinda… clueless? about some things too. And she doesn't seem to have an OFF switch. Like, ever. And I would be totally fine with that except, I NEED an off switch sometimes. Like when I need to sleep. And like when I need to NOT think about Quinn, or Puck, or how shitty my life got like five minutes ago. So like, once in a while I just need to veg out with video games or something, just to switch off my brain for a bit.

But not Rach. She's always gotta be 'productive' and planning and thinking like 75 steps ahead of everyone else. That's probably why she's so smart and how she's gonna become famous, and probably one of the things I like so much about her, but… geez, can she just RELAX once in a while? Like, I need to teach her the fine art of just being a vegetable. She needs to learn that lesson - soon. Don't get me wrong, Rachel is so many kinds of awesome. She is. But she's just… SO much sometimes.

We've been hanging out a lot over the last few weeks since our win at sectionals. I do really like spending time with her, and it's a great distraction from all the things that make my brain spin out most of the time. She has been inviting me over to her house to work on vocal scales and glee stuff, and craft projects (yeah some of those are seriously lame but some of them are totally fun too - origami was frustrating at first, but once I figured out how to avoid getting paper cuts I liked it), and for movie nights (ok Funny Girl wasn't THAT bad the first couple times, but A Star is Born? TOTALLY made me cry. Shut up. I don't care, it was so fucking SAD! Did you know it ended like that?).

Rachel's been over my house quite a few times too. I tried to teach her Call of Duty - LOL that was…interesting. She plays with her eyes closed a lot saying something about it being barber.. Barbra - barbrarian. Whatever. I was tuning out. One time she brought her baking stuff over and taught mom how to make her banana bread. Now THAT was a fun night! I think mom really likes Rachel. They seem to get along well. Mom & me have been just our own little team of two for so long, I sorta think mom just likes having another girl around sometimes to talk to - a girl who doesn't SUCK and cheat with my best friend, that is. I KNOW mom likes that Rachel makes us do our homework BEFORE we can do anything else that's actually FUN.

Anyway. I like spending time with Rachel. I really really do. But… I'm still adjusting to what just happened with my so-called last/first lying cheating girlfriend and my so-called lifelong lying cheating ex-best friend who I now want to kill. It's especially hard to forget about it like when I'm laying in bed trying to sleep at night. Every time I think I can just move on, forget about what happened, there it is, in my face. In the hallways. In Glee. In my dreams. There's always a constant reminder somewhere of what an idiot I was. Just seeing everyone in Glee is like reliving the nightmare over and over because they all knew the truth and hid it from me. So I still feel like I really can't trust anyone, or like they're all still judging me and talking about me. Then it's the guys on the football team, and in the locker room. It just follows me EVERYWHERE.

When I said I wished I could transfer schools before, I was kinda serious.

So… I hadn't like, officially asked Rachel to be my girlfriend yet, but she was sorta acting like I did already. I'd been so busy trying to STAY BUSY, or veg out, to find a way to forget the humiliation of 'baby gate' (as everyone seems to be calling it, whatever the hell that means?), that I hadn't really been paying attention to how much I'd just kinda been letting Rachel think things are a certain way, even if maybe they weren't quite there yet.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I don't know if I'm ready to be in another relationship right now…actually, I don't even know why Rachel would be interested in me at ALL at this point, seeing how dumb I apparently am - and I know she doesn't like me to say that, but c'mon, it's true. Don't misunderstand - I wanna be with her at some point, for sure. But I feel like. I just need to straighten out ME first. Yet at the same time I also kinda don't wanna be alone either, and I definitely DON'T want Rachel to be a rebound. She's becoming too important to me, and too good of a friend.

In short, I'm still kinda screwed here.

One thing I DO know is I want to be in it ALL THE WAY with Rachel, not just in this crappy limbo robot headspace that I seem to be floating in right now. That's not fair to her, and it wouldn't be right for me either. So I guess it's just been easier to let Rach take the lead because I almost feel like I still can't function yet. It's sort of like being on auto-pilot, if that makes sense?

Maybe the dinner date was a little too soon or too strong of a message… Like, I wanted her to know how much I appreciate her, and to thank her for being there for me. And I totally DO care and want to kiss her and be with her and stuff, but then, part of me is still pretty much a mixed up mess and I feel like I need some time. Like a big part, maybe a lot bigger than I realized. When a guy like me, at my age, goes through something like I just did, it can get you all kinds of mixed up in the head. I could almost never wanna date anyone again after this. ALMOST.

. . . . .

ANOTHER DAY, SAME STUPID ME.

I talked to Mr. Schue again. He's been really great at helping me sort out some of my bat shit crazy life, especially since he seems to be having an equally bat shit crazy life. He totally gets me in a way nobody else can. I knew he was gonna be like, a cool mentor or maybe even like a father figure, but I couldn't have guessed how weirdly same our lives would end up being.

He gave us a new glee assignment called HELLO. Ok at first I thought it's just another one of his totally weird random assignments, but when he explained it to me in private, I guess it makes much better sense why he thought of it. He's right - we've gone through some major changes in the club. We DO need to re-think who we are as a group, but also who WE are as individuals - especially me and him. We've both been totally screwed up by these crazy chicks. He's right, I need to figure out who I AM without letting any girls getting all up in my brain - and can I tell you how complicated that is gonna be? But also I really DO like that Doors song 'Hello, I Love You', so it was totally cool to get to sing it. :)

But I completely did NOT expect to hear more stupid words come out of my stupid mouth directed at Rachel again. UGGGGH. Not that I didn't mean what I said I just didn't mean to say it the way I did. I need to just learn to think before I TALK to her, or just SHUT UP sometimes. Or maybe I should have just sung her that song by Eve 6. But dammit, she came at me with these insane cat calendars with our faces on them.. Like I said, she's so SUPER INTENSE with no off switch. I know she's excited about us spending time together - I am too - but then I'll see Quinn and Puck standing together in the hall and it's another gut punch and another wave of humiliation and more rage flows through me. And Rachel's just carrying on about all these dates she'd already pre-planned for us… ARGHH I just needed a minute. And she kept just rambling on…

"I know being my boyfriend is a challenge. I'm not Quinn…' Well thank god for that I thought to myself. "I don't look like her. I'm not popular. And my personality, though exciting and full of surprises, isn't exactly low-maintenance, but I'll always be honest with you, painfully so." She pulled me to the side of the hall and was talking about honesty… "And all I ask in return is that you're just as honest with me…"

And well, Mr. Schue's advice was still fresh in my head, and unfortunately, she got the worst kind of brutal honesty from me, at exactly the worst moment. I just blurted it out - like the IDIOT I am.

"I don't think I wanna be your boyfriend."

The look on her face was bad enough. I've unfortunately already seen it before and I knew I was gonna have to fix it, plus I really didn't want to hurt her feelings, I was just so sure that if I could explain what was going on in my head she would understand… maybe she could even HELP me sort through it. So I was trying in my pea-brained mind to pick out the right next words to say to her, and I came up with "Rachel, you're really awesome, but I think I need to connect with my inner rock star before I can fully commit to one woman. I need to find out who I am now." but I never got the chance to finish explaining my thoughts. Inner rockstar? Yeah I actually said that… IDIOT, remember?

The next thing I saw was her reaction bubbling up, then it exploded. Like pouring Mentos into a Coke bottle. She started like, READING MY MIND, the way only Rachel seems to be able to do all the time. And she said "I'll tell you who you are. You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me because you think it might hurt your reputation - though, which you'd never admit it - is very important to you. You hate what Quinn did to you, not just because it hurt, but because it was so humiliating."

Yeah yeah, that's EXACTLY all true - but how the hell does she do that? I said to her "You're freaking me out. It's like you're inside my head right now," then I was trying to think of how to explain myself better, but forget it. Too late.

I saw the lump coming up in her throat and the tears forming in her eyes and I kinda wanted to crawl under a rock and die because I knew I hurt her again and I couldn't dial it back. Yep. She'd spent the last few weeks being the glue that was holding me together, and here I was, screwing up with her again, breaking her apart. And there she was - not insulting me or hating me, like you might expect, but yet managing to still make me feel like a giant pile of garbage - again.

"I just see you for who you are, unlike you, who can only see me as this silly girl who made a fool out of herself in her first Glee Club rehearsal. And that's where you lose, Finn. Because if you take a second look at me, you'd realize that I'm the only person in your life who knows you, and accepts you for who you are, no matter what."

Before I could respond she took off in a flurry of tears… but she got it sorta wrong though – I don't just see her as a crazy chick from the first Glee rehearsal. I do see her. There's much, much more to her than that first crazy rehearsal… But yeah, everything else she said about me feeling humiliated etc, was pretty much completely accurate.

I just needed some time or something. Like, is that really so much to ask? Rachel is so sensitive. It's not like I don't know that about her, but I'm just not in the right headspace to be so delicate with her emotions at this very moment. Yeah I know, I suck.

The next time I saw her was in Glee, where she did what Rachel does best - she sang a song, to tell me what an ASS HAT I am. Terrific. She picked the perfect song, of course. I used to like that song. I really like The All-American Rejects. But I no longer like that song. She never gave me a chance to finish explaining that I just needed some time to think, to breathe, to be ME, without Quinn, without my best friend. Without a BABY that I thought was mine. It kinda feels like I'm drowning.. or grieving at least. But she just went off and had her 'song outburst' and made her point. I get it. She's hurt. But guess what? SO AM I. By this entire club, in fact! I came back to this for her and she can't cut me a break for like, just a minute? I never meant that it was forever... of course, I didn't say exactly what I meant either. Yeah I know my stupid DUDE BRAIN never knows how to say things right, but her crazy chick brain really trips her up sometimes too! She's so over-dramatic and barely lets me think what to say half the time…

Well, at least I didn't get slapped this time, so maybe that's some kind of progress?

. . . . .

What I DID get, however, was an invitation to go on a date - with BOTH Santana and Brittany. Together. Like, me and TWO hot chicks at the same time.

I guess Santana was pissed at Puck when she found out about him & Quinn, because she thought she was his main girl (there's really no point in calling them boyfriend/girlfriend because neither of them really does 'EXCLUSIVES'). So in a small way it's like he kinda cheated on her too (Puck never considers it cheating because he will not commit to a one girl arrangement - he calls it being a sex shark - says he'll DIE if he doesn't keep moving). So anyway, maybe Santana kinda understood what I was feeling, at least just a little bit. As for Britt? Well, I don't know what was going on with HER in this arrangement, but who was I to question their totally cool idea of a threesome date? Rachel was mad at me and I honestly didn't have the energy to go work on THAT yet, but I sure didn't wanna be alone either. So I figured sure, why not. It's just dinner, right? ;)

Except we go to dinner and they totally IGNORED me the whole time. They wanted to make me pay for their dinner while they talked about me like I wasn't even there, insulting me sorta (I think)…. Saying how I needed to date hot chicks like them to be cool. But then they dissed all over Rachel, which was so NOT cool, not in front of me anyway. Then they wanted me to leave my credit card and go wait in the car for them to finish eating! Seriously? Ok, I know I'm kinda dumb but I'm not THAT dumb. Well how about uhh, NO. I just left them there, went home and stuck THEM with the entire bill instead! Haha the joke's on you two!

Shoulda known it was a mistake to trust Santana. That girl is too much like Puck and they really are perfect for each other - which just got me thinking how it made no sense that all these girls seem to fall under Puck's spell which I can't fathom WHY and also what a jerk I was for what I did to Rachel again. She's the only one who - well yeah ok, maybe she tested the Puck infested waters too - but she figured it out that he wasn't for her, and was pretty clear that she only wanted to be with me. And I brushed her off.. for why exactly? I still don't really know… maybe Mr. Schue's advice wasn't so good this time.

So I realized I needed to try AGAIN to go fix things with Rach. Geez I really need to get it together with her and STOP creating all these things that need fixing all the time! I feel like I'm making this so much harder than it needs to be, because being with her is HONESTLY so damned easy. My heart feels GOOD with her. I FEEL GOOD when I'm with her. That girl is nothing if not totally forgiving and understanding, especially when she actually hears me out, so I know I'll make it right with her and things will be ok again. I know she was right, everything she said. She IS the only one who really knows me, and she's obviously the only one who cares about me like that. I'm beginning to believe - no, I KNOW - that she really is the best friend I'll ever have.

So I stopped at Rachel's house on the way home from that awful Breadstix mistake triple date dinner, but she wasn't home. On a school night? Her dads told me she was out with a 'suitor,' and that I could see her at school tomorrow. Wait, what? A SUITOR? Does that mean she's on a DATE? Who the hell WITH? I didn't miss the funny look that the scarier Mr. Berry gave me, so I can only imagine what my face musta looked like to him… Then the less scary Mr Berry softly smiled at me, put his hand on my shoulder and said it was getting late, that I should probably go home, but he assured me he'd tell Rachel I stopped by. He nearly looked sorry for me.. What was that all about?

. . . . .

I got to school the next day looking for Rachel, but I don't find her right away. Instead, I overheard Mercedes, Tina, Kurt and Artie having a gossip session in the choir room. Now there's a crazy rumor going around that Rachel was seen singing with some dude at the music store in town yesterday. Not just singing, but like, SINGING, y'know, the way ME and Rach always sing our sweet duets together. Umm. Ok well, I don't know who the guy could even be, or whether this is real, so I don't exactly know how to react. I could ask her about it - if I can find her - but I think anything I'd say here would come off sounding totally judgy and weird. And she's already mad at me. Maybe instead of sticking my giant foot in my big mouth again, I think I'll wait this out and see what happens. But I still need to find Rachel. I mean, is she hiding from me now or what?

. . . . .

MAYBE I REALLY SCREWED UP THIS TIME?

Who the FUCK is Jesse St. James and when the hell did he enter her life?

Well so, I finally found Rachel. I guess that crazy rumor wasn't so crazy after all, or at least, it wasn't a rumor. C'mon. This isn't happening.

Please tell me this conversation was a bad dream:

"Hey, Rach, can we talk? Look, I wanna apologize. I realize I don't wanna date other girls, only you. You do talk too much, and you usually just talk about yourself. But at least I don't feel alone when I'm with you."

"I'm glad you've come to that realization Finn, but you're too late. I've met someone else - a boy who's finally worthy of my talent and love."

"Whoa, whoa, wait. Do I know him? What, is he bigger than me?"

"He doesn't go to this school, and he's a senior. His name is Jesse, and he's the male lead in Vocal Adrenaline. We're both aware that our Romeo-and-Juliet romance will be a challenge, but our deep respect for each other's talent will carry us through."

"Rachel, don't you think that's kind of suspicious? We make it to regionals, and suddenly the top guy in our main competition picks you up?"

"I know it's hard to believe that anyone would like me without an ulterior motive, but you have to respect that our love is real. Move on, Finn. I finally have."

LOVE? How can she be in love with someone else already? It's only been like 24 hours!?

Crap.

Well, I guess whatever this is, it is happening, but… what the hell? My sweet, trusting, talented Rachel. Special, perfect, adorable Rachel. Now she thinks this lame ass dude from Carmel High is seriously into her, but somehow she doesn't see how the timing of this is totally suspicious? She's so much smarter than this, I know she is!

Look yeah, I KNOW how great Rachel is. Because she's MY Rach. Yeah yeah, I screwed up a few times already, and yeah I needed a minute to figure out my crappy life and realize that I didn't need to worry about all the other stupid stuff I was worrying about, but hey, I DID figure it out - finally - that all I need is Rachel. She really was…is? my best friend in the world. I just was... too ME to see it right away. Stupid idiot.

Now this jerk just shows up outta nowhere and I just know he's gonna try to use her. And he'll probably hurt her. And he won't try to fix it. Because he's the competition, the enemy; he's probably just a spy. We already had Coach Sylvester trying to screw us at sectionals, but we managed to pull off a win (thanks to my awesome leadership and Rach's INCREDIBLE performance), which means we'll be facing off with this jerk's team at regionals. And we already know Vocal Adrenaline is cutthroat; they're only all about WINNING at all costs. Squashing Rachel's fragile heart to try and ruin our team from the inside out would be like nothing to them.

Why is Rach walking around with blinders on all of a sudden? Oh wait, I know why - because I HURT HER AGAIN! Dammit this is all my fault! I told Mr. Schue about it to see if he can help think of how to stop this from snowballing before Rach gets her heart broken - or worse. I also talked to Kurt, Artie, Tina and Mercedes. I told them about this new development and they were NOT happy either. They said they would talk to Rachel about it too. Yikes.. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to them? But yeah, yeah I had to. This could affect the whole team and the thing we're trying to build together here, right? They had the right to know. Didn't they? And it's not like I asked them to say anything.. That's up to them.

. . . . .

Then like a whiplash, Rachel came to my locker the next day and said "Hey. I ended it with Jesse. You can spread the word. I know you know how to do that."

Shit. She sounded a little pissed. I guess Kurt and them really musta laid into her? "Look, I'm sorry. Uhh, I know this really sucks for you… but I think it's for the best."

"Yeah. Taking one for the team. I get it," she nodded at me.. which was a surprising reaction from her. She sounded way too casual.

I needed to get my point across. "No, not just for the team. For us. You and me." She looked at me, sorta looking confused.

Ok, here's my second (or hundredth?) chance to unscrew my latest screw up. "I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel like I have all these problems, y'know, with Quinn and basketball and girls and stuff. And I've been so overwhelmed trying to figure them all out. Then I realized, the only thing I needed to fix was us. I want us to be together, Rachel. A real couple." I smiled my best smile at her, hoping she'd see I really meant it. "Look. I even circled some dates on your crazy calendar." I hoped that would impress her - especially because I seriously hung that goofy calendar up in my locker - and I really don't care much for cats! And maybe a couple days ago this would have impressed the heck out of her, but, umm… She was looking super uncomfortable and nervous. Jittery, even. And she was being very UN-Rachel-like QUIET. "Is you not being able to talk right now a good thing, or a bad thing?" Uh-oh. I don't think this is going the way I hoped it would….

"I can't." she finally said. "I - I can't be a couple with you. It's the team. We-We can't have any, um, drama right now. You know, w-we need to focus on regionals. And I appreciate your offer, but in the spirit of being a team player, I have to decline."

What? The QUEEN of drama is worried about drama on the team? Wait, didn't she just hear me pour out my heart? I just asked her to be my girlfriend, like OFFICIALLY! I thought this was what she wanted too? "Hey, whoa. I'm not just some guy you met at the music store that you can just blow off. I don't give up that easy." And I won't either.

What the hell just happened? SHE said NO to me. Seriously? Did I really mess this up too much to be fixed this time? Nah... She's still hurt, that's all. She just needs some more time to cool off… right? And then I'll find a way to make it right with her, I know I will. Like I always do.

. . . . .

PUT MY TENDER HEART IN A BLENDER.

Mr. Schue has decided we need to dedicate an entire week to MADONNA. Why? I don't know. He just comes up with these weird assignments sometimes that seem so random… I mean, Madonna is cool, I guess, but how come this is a whole WEEK long thing? Like, half of us are DUDES and we can't really relate to most of her music or make it work in group performances and stuff, so what's the point in wasting time.

Well, that's what I thought anyway, until the girls decided to prove me wrong. O. M. G. They wore those Madonna style sexy booster-y tops with the dangling stringy pieces that clips onto stockings, y'know, the kind that looks like lingerie? They sang 'Express Yourself' in the auditorium for us guys. Have you seen that video? The dance moves are kinda hot, and the girls copied it like, really VERY well.. like, maybe too well. And Rachel was SMOKIN' in her red half naked outfit.. But man I'm glad she kept her jacket on, because GEEZ I guess I can't stay out of the locker room shower whether we're singing together or not! I had to keep looking ANYWHERE but directly at the girls performing.

Anyway. Mr. Schue had made a big speech to us guys about us not respecting the girls enough. Ohhh ok. I guess that's why he wanted us to do Madonna for the whole week, hoping it would straighten us out I s'pose? Because Madonna's all about girl empowerment and stuff. Ok. Cool. But what is he talking about, we're not being respectful of the girls? I guess the girls had some kinda meeting and said some stuff about us guys, how we've been treating them not so great which is kinda bull. (Wait… uhh.. y'mean like breaking up with the most awesome girl to go on a threesome date and find your inner rockstar?). Ok, fine.

. . . . .

READY OR NOT - A WHOLE NEW LIFE.

So I already have all this major Rachel stuff swirling around in my head, and apparently there's a new guy treading on my territory, and I lost my best friend, and the whole baby gate thing is still kinda raw, and THEN like that's not enough even MORE stuff explodes on me…

After Rachel's crazy hello song meltdown and then her 'date' with this new JERK, I didn't speak to her much except as needed in Glee for the next couple days - and the bad part of it is, I really needed her, because… well, apparently my mom found a new BOYFRIEND.

After all this time that it's been just me and her. Now not only was she dating some new guy - which on its own was a hard enough thing for me to think about - but it's also WHO she was dating that was just messing with me: Kurt Hummel's dad, Burt. I don't know how it happened or when it started, but I guess they fell in LOVE and now all of a sudden there was plans for the four of us to move into Burt's house together?

Look I pretty much knew for a long time that Kurt was gay and I NEVER had a problem with that. But also for a long time I started thinking maybe he had a crush on me or something, just from the way I'd catch him staring at me or some of the things he'd say… and again, I DON"T have any issues with gay people. But me? I'm just into girls, not dudes. So yeah, it's sometimes a little uncomfortable just being at school with the guy… and now to learn that his dad and my mom were in love and now we're ALL probably gonna live under the same roof together? And also at least for now, me and Kurt would have to share a room?! HELL to the NO. I did not need this added stress!

It was just a LOT of information to take in all at once, a lot of change. If I could just talk to Rachel I bet she'd help me sort things out and maybe this wouldn't be so hard to cope with but… well, right now I don't know when that's gonna happen again. I miss her already.

. . . . .

GAMBLING WITH THE V-CARD.

Uhh. So, out of like absolutely NOWHERE, Santana Lopez offered to have sex with me.

Yes. You read that correctly. SEX. With me. Santana wants me to cash in my v-card, with her. Why? NO IDEA. She insults me all the time, I didn't think she even liked me much as like, just a person in general. I don't trust her. I told her basically NOPE, not interested, since y'know, I'm into Rachel and working on fixing things with her. So just scurry along, little female version of Puck.. slither back to your snake pit.

Then she tells me Rachel is still seeing Jesse St. Jerkface, and that having sex with her would help to make Rach jealous, so I should totally just do it.

W. T. A. F.

First of all, I don't wanna hurt Rachel like that. I know how she feels about Santana - and all the Cheerios, really, because all any of them have ever done is give her crap and made fun of her. And secondly, just NO. Nope, no, nuh-uh, can't be true. Rachel doesn't lie to me. Rachel doesn't lie at all. Rachel… {{sigh}} …is probably still hurt, by me. And thinks some other dude is into her after I screwed up with her for like, the millionth time already…shit. I better talk to Rach.

So. First, she says no they're not dating. But this girl's history of NOT being a liar? Yeah it means she has NO poker face of any kind either. So I pressed her to be honest, and YEP. She finally admitted it, was totally tryin' to hiding it from me! NOOO this just cannot be happening! I.. I can't believe I blew it so badly with her. How can I fix this? Maybe I'm too late this time… which would be exactly what I deserve for constantly being a jerk to her. UGH!

Well maybe Mr. Schue's lame ass week of Madonna stuff worked to my advantage a little bit in that moment. So me and Rach just agreed to set the St Jerkface subject to the side for now and Rach actually wanted to sing a duet with me. A Madonna mash-up. And dammit if she didn't pick the best two songs for this conversation… BINGO! I'm not out of the game yet! Yeah, listen to the song, like, OPEN YOUR HEART RACHEL, STOP TRYING TO RESIST ME! Geez, I can't tell if she's playing games with me now, or trying to make me jealous - either way, it's TOTALLY working!

But I know better, Rachel doesn't play games. Which means she somehow really believes that this douche was being sincere. And now she's opening her heart - to the WRONG guy. With his scrunchy rat face and beady eyes and his friggin' curly girly hair. And his ridiculous mannerisms and his smug snooty voice - he's such a SUPER DOUCHE! GAAAHH!

Ok forget about him. I'm giving her all the sexy I can conjure up from now on… uh, errr well, I mean I'm trying to show her I totally mean business this time. I know I said the words to her already but maybe she didn't understand the feelings behind them? Cause if I was a chick and some dude kept squishing my hopes and heart like this, I'd sure have some trust issues by now too. She's not gonna be able to say no to me forever. I know she cares about me as much as I do about her. She's just distracted at the moment by a shiny new boy-toy, who HAS to be running some kind of game on her, but she's too trusting to see it - I just need to figure out what his angle really is. Pretty sure I already know though. Meantime, I have to bring my A game. Like, this dude is not even in my league, right? He didn't even make the playoffs because he sucks so much! She needs to see that I'm better for her than he is. I care more. I mean what I say. And also, I happen to know she secretly loves it when I sing and drum at the same time… ;) Can you do that Jesse St. Jagoff? No you CAN'T!

We did our Madonna mashup song together and she was so freakin' cute running around Brad and that damn piano… UGH Rachel you're KILLING ME! I should've kissed her at the end of that song. I sure as hell wanted to. But if she's really dating this other dude, and in her mind at least if she's really into him, then I have to just… ugh. Be patient. Wait. I just have to sit and wait and regret my stupid decisions again. And figure out how to get her to see the truth without me hurting her anymore.

. . . . .

LINE OF SCRIMMAGE

I would be lying if I didn't say I gave some serious consideration to Santana's offer. Look I'M A GUY, I'm sorry! You don't understand the raw power of the dude brain unless you have one! Plus, I was just so pissed and jealous and hurt about Jesse St Jerk-off, stealing Rachel away from me like he did… I couldn't not THINK about it at least.

Then I was hearing new rumors that St. Douche was planning to try to get Rachel to DO IT with him… Geez - what the hell is it with this rumor mill around here? Don't people have better things to talk about? Anyway. I couldn't believe Rach would go through with it though, not with HIM. I really hope she didn't. But… What if she did? Aw hell. I think I'm gonna be sick.

In fact, I was… yeah, I spent all weekend vomiting. No, I really seriously did. It might have been a bad burger, like food poisoning or whatever but yeah. Stupid images of MY Rach in someone else's arms.. Another dude in her bed...touching her… it just.. UGH I don't wanna think about it anymore. It just made me SO mad. Like, way more mad than Quinn and the cheating baby gate thing. I know I've made my own mistakes with Rachel and she sure has had good reasons to be mad at me sometimes, but I ALWAYS try to fix things and make it up to her and I never try to hurt her on purpose.

So when I saw Rachel first thing Monday after those last disgusting rumors, of course it was the ONLY thing on my mind, wondering did she or didn't she. Still, I had to protect my heart a little bit at least, if I could… So when I got to the choir room that afternoon and finally asked her about her date with Jesse, she looked really squirrelly. Then she smiled, said it all went GREAT, it was no big deal and she couldn't imagine why she'd been so nervous to begin with. WHAT?

So she actually DID IT. With that arrogant SLIMEBALL? UGH there goes my stomach. I could feel the bile rising in my throat and like my head was spinning… Rage. I felt rage. It's a really good thing he wasn't anywhere near me right then.

Then she asked me about me and Santana. Fuck! How did she even know about that? Well this place is like a giant tub of truth serum or something, we don't seem to EVER have any secrets in Glee club do we!? All I could see was an image of that ass hat and my Rach in bed and… then I just couldn't stop myself. I lied to her. Just this one time, I kinda hoped it would hurt her, just right at that moment. I told her things were JUST GREAT for me too, that she was right, it was no big deal. Yeah. I threw her words back at her. I saw the flash of .. something cross her face… Hurt? Shock? Sadness?

What the hell was wrong with me? How did I just LIE to Rachel so easily and tell her I had sex with Santana when I really didn't? And what was she gonna say if she ever found out the truth? What do I mean IF - she'll definitely learn the truth at some point, because that seems to be the way it works around here. Whatever.

The truth about my weekend though? Well. Yeah, I actually did take Santana to the damn hotel. But then I just couldn't do it. Definitely NOT with Santana. She's too 'Puck' for me. I'd rather have my first time be with someone I'm in love with - and I think we know who that is. Even if she's confused at this moment, she'll come back around to her senses at some point. I even told Santana all of this, because I honestly didn't really want to hurt her feelings either by turning her down - but she said she didn't really give a shit either way. She said something about warm bodies and being a lizard.. And that just the fact that we came to the hotel would be proof enough for people to think we'd 'done the deed' - that's what she said… Oh gawd. I BEGGED her to just please shut up about even coming to the hotel, PLEASE. She said she'd keep quiet, for a cheeseburger… um. Okaaay?

Right now I just need to find a distraction to keep me from going off to find that douche and killing him.

. . . . .

A/N - Song Credit: 'INSIDE OUT' by EVE 6

I felt like the lyrics to that song resonate with the inside of Finn's 'DUDE BRAIN' and the way he must have been feeling in the aftermath of baby gate. I've never been a 16yr old boy, but I'd imagine this situation would have been pretty darn traumatic for him to cope with - despite being the 'cool jock'. That was a LOT of betrayal and loss all at once - compounded by the regular angst of high school and the normal cruelty of teenagers. As much as he's needed and been leaning on Rachel as his distraction, he's also kinda been avoiding doing the WORK of actually getting over that mess - so don't be too mad that he sorta floundered a bit with Rachel in the beginning of this chapter! We all know Finchel is endgame and he'll get it together eventually so…. Just be patient with him and enjoy the ride… LOL.

I did sorta take Sapplingofastar's comments on AO3 to heart about wishing away the canon of Santana sex story. In truth I was already considering this beforehand, because I ALSO always hated that they dropped the 'Santana sex bomb' on our beloved Finchel! They def didn't need ANY help with fodder in the 'ways to bust up a relationship' department - Finn & Rachel find plenty of other ways to self sabotage without throwing THAT into the mix too haha! And it's MY story, so I changed it! LOL :D

We're fast approaching the end of sophomore year. This TV season was SO huge & iconic and I hesitated in making too many changes to the original timeline… I was originally going to only break it into 4 parts stuffing all of the back 9 into 1 chapter, but it seemed to fit better as 5 parts. The TV version was focused a lot more on the CAMP and SATIRE, but I wanted to stay focused on the story of Finchel, so I did consolidate some of the episodes and rearrange the timelines just a little to push more of the romance and drama aspects into focus rather than the silliness. I hope the story flows ok enough; I struggled a bit with some of these adjustments… especially the Jesse St James of it all. He's a big part of the Finchel story too (unfortunately)... Finn needed that little bit of competition to gain some perspective and to teach him some valuable life lessons!

Another big shout out and thank you to my rock, SCARLETT88 for helping me sort out some of the chaos of my own making LOL. We're both going through some personal tragedies IRL right now and have become a sisterhood bound in GLEE! So glad we found each other and so very happy to have this online distraction to share together! (AND IT'S YOUR TURN – WE'RE UPDATING LOVE LETTERS NEXT KIDDO! LOL)

xo—glee*glee*glee—xo

THANKS FOR READING AND REVIEWING!

FAITHFULLY FINCHEL FOREVER XOXO