Memoirs of a Simp: My Undying Love for Rachel Berry

by anothergleekgirl

FINCHEL FUTUREFIC. Do you believe in Love? Finn Hudson does. Their love story was EPIC. Finn reflects back on their story from first meeting to how they ended up. Spans full life of Finn & Rachel, told in Finn's POV. Begins FRESHMAN year high school, thru college, and everything that followed over the next 50 plus years. S1-4 mostly canon, with some divergence.

13. CH12: WMHS-Junior Year Part IV

WMHS Junior Year Part IV

---

UNHOLY DUO.

This week so far has been absolute crap. Monday I got a D on my history test. I mean, I tried to study, but when it got to the part about that King dude, y'know Henry the.. whatever number he was? Oh yeah, the song! Hen-er-y the 8th (I am) and how much he loved his Spanish princess Catherine of Eragon (cool movie BTW - I like dragons) and what they went through to be together, I started thinking about me and Rach, and well… it was just a wasted effort trying to study anymore once I got on that train of thought.

Then I went to leave after school and found I had a flat tire. While I was getting ready to change it, Quinn 'magically' showed up and offered me a ride. I told her I was fine, I had a spare and she could basically take a hike, but she just wouldn't take the hint. She offered to help change the tire - which was HILARIOUS because ONE, in no way shape or form COULD she want to do that nor would she have any clue how since, TWO, she thinks it's 'dirty work that is so far beneath her' and why bother learning when she can just call Triple A (she'd told me that when I'd offered to teach her last year after she got her driver's license). But I said I had it handled and she should just go home. Then she invited me to come to her house for Thanksgiving dinner and of course I said no thanks. She tried reminding me how we were a couple for such a long time and that we once had feelings for each other. I told her those were exactly that - distant memories of a nearly forgotten past now. Ancient history, and I'd learned from that mistake already so I wasn't going back. Then she threw in my face how me and Rachel were not really together now and that it was probably a sign that Rachel wasn't good enough for me, that she was who I was supposed to be with and how great our odds at winning prom king and queen would be if we got back together. Good grief, how can I ever shake this psycho? I started to tell her to mind her own business about me and Rachel but then Mike stopped and offered to help me. She finally took off when I ignored her and went back to changing the tire with Mike's help. Thank Cheesus – Mike Chang FTW!

Y'know, I wondered how I got a flat in the first place until Mike noticed a big gash in the tire. No way could I have run something over on the way to school and driven on this tire without noticing such a big hole in it - it woulda been flat before I drove even ten feet! Which means it had to happen while it was sitting here parked at school… so like, someone slashed my tire on purpose? I wouldn't put it past Quinn, seeing how she conveniently showed up to 'rescue' me and offer me a ride like some creepy stalker (which she is) – but of course I can't prove it was her.

Then Tuesday, Santana started making moves on me again. What. The. Hell. Ever since me and Rachel have been 'paused', she's been throwing these flirty looks, blowing kisses and winks and just generally making me feel really super uncomfortable. I tried to remind her that we were NOT going down that road again, and that I was still in love with Rachel and even though we're having some issues, we're working things out. She said since I was wasting time with Allie, I might as well waste it with someone hotter and more popular while getting laid in the process. I reminded her we've had this conversation before, and my position on the subject has NOT changed one bit.

GAHH what is with these chick-batty Cheerios?

. . . . .

WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE.

Remember the start of the year when I was so happy about having so many classes scheduled with Rachel? Yeah. That's kinda creating conflicts for me right now.

Take lunch for example, as being one of the WORST. You see, Allie is also in this lunch period (because OF COURSE she would be). So, do I sit with all the Glee group as usual (which includes Rachel) and invite Allie to join us? Or, do I sit alone with Allie – which I can pretty much assure is like ASKING to commit suicide, because I'm too big of a target for the daggers being launched from Rachel's eyes to miss me (and anyway her aim is wicked accurate when she's pissed). Or do I tell Allie it'd be better that we didn't sit together at lunch because y'know, it'd be the easiest thing (for me) since everyone is still churning the damn rumor mill about us, especially now that they all know about 'THE PAUSE'. But like, that would just be totally unfair to Allie and would probably hurt her feelings. For today at least this problem solved itself because Allie had some special art project thing going on and the teacher said she could come during lunch to work on it.

Spanish class however, I can't get so lucky about. Because yeah, naturally Allie's in that one too… and while me and Rachel are technically 'paused', it's not like we're not on any speaking terms; we're still friends and all, so we hadn't changed seats or anything. We still share a bench table for two. And Allie? Yeah, she's now sitting at the next table across the aisle on the other side of Rachel. Now Rach is always like, glaring at Allie, and huffing through most of the class, and looking at me with sad puppy dog eyes anytime Allie and I say anything to each other. It's just SUPER awesome! :( Yeah I can totally feel the pain and heartache oozing off Rachel like toxic slime.

And if you're doing the math (which even I can do this much), that's two or three times a day when I'm in the same room with both Allie and Rachel (counting glee, if and when I ever go there), and it kinda goes alot like Spanish class every time.

Awkward much? Yeah, you just can't even begin to imagine.

. . . . .

I had a SUPER bad dream last night — probably like, the 20th horrible dream in nearly a month. But this was maybe the worst nightmare I've ever had.

I was standing in the middle of the choir room in my Rocky Horror underwear costume. The whole glee club was sitting in the chairs on the risers – Mike, Tina, Cedes, Kurt, Brit, Sam, Puck, Matt, Lauren and Artie – all still like statues and silent. Brad was at the piano, with Principal Figgins and Mr Schue and Coach Sue and Coach Beiste all standing around the piano like judges with clipboards. Mr Schue went to the whiteboard and wrote the word TRUST. Coach Sue walked over laughing at him and crossed a big red X over the word.

Then it was like, last year, and the whole baby gate drama crap was happening – except instead of pregnant Quinn and Puck it was pregnant Rachel and St Jagoff! He was smirking at me with his smug beady-eyed rat face and I wanted to punch him so bad but Rachel was laughing at me saying what she'd told me last year when she was comforting me at her house, only now it was real sarcastic like - "Nooo, you are not dumb, Finn. You just trusted people you care about, and they lied to you."

Next thing I know, Brad's playing that Grease song from my first glee club and now ANGRY Rachel was saying that speech she gave me in the hallway when I broke up with her the first time (remember, the whole idiot 'inner rock star' crap?) all while the piano music played in the background. "You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me because you think it might hurt your reputation - though, which you'd never admit it - is very important to you. You hate what I did to you, not just because it hurt, but because it was so humiliating." Then the room went dark except for spotlights shining down on the face of each glee member - real creepy like - and on queue with the song, they all sang in unison "YOU BETTER SHAPE UP!"

Then Quinn showed up dressed in Rachel's clothes. She was hanging onto me from my left side and was kissing me in between whispering how we were gonna win prom king and queen while Santana was standing in her underwear hanging on my right side running her hands up and down my body talking about boosting our reps off the charts and wanting to have a threesome with me and Quinn. Pregnant Rachel just stood there watching us and crying, saying "You just have to accept the fact that I still care about him deeply, and I know he still feels the same way about me," all while St. Jackass was standing behind her looking at me and kissing Rach's neck and touching her boobs! I lunged for him but instead I woke up screaming when I fell out of bed in a cold sweat.

HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL?! I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Then I jumped into a cold shower with my clothes still on. Like, what's wrong with me and what the hell does all that craziness mean? I love Rachel so much but why.. Why does it have to feel like this? Am I ever gonna get past this crappy feeling? Now I'm so full of rage I just wanna go beat the shit outta HIM all over again! GAHHHH!

. . . . .

It's been just over a month since everything nose-dived sideways in my world. It's hard seeing Rachel but not 'seeing' Rachel. Once you get what we had (have?) in a relationship, it's really hard to go back to being just friends. So many times I catch myself wanting to call or text and just tell her little things, like a joke I heard, or something I saw on tv, or to ask her questions about homework… but then I remember the pain and the pause and I have to stop myself.

I'm trying hard to not be mad at her over that kiss. I know she doesn't care about him like that. At least I think I do. Yeah, I do believe her; it was a mistake and she regrets it. So I guess it's getting easier to not wanna punch anything when think about it (well, that and my hand is just starting to feel better and I really don't need to bust it up again)... but I know it's not only about the kiss, but what it says about how she feels about me… or maybe her lack of trust in me, more specifically.

Feels like she just went straight for the gut punch without talking to me first (which would also be that lack of communication thing mom mentioned). So does that mean her first instinct is always gonna be to make assumptions and lash out and hurt me everytime she thinks I messed up? Or maybe she just never really believed in me at all? Just like how she was already obsessing over the idea that I'd end up breaking up with her even before school started. So maybe she just didn't have the same faith in me that I have (had? have?) in her. Or is it about ME at all? Is it just her way of dealing, no matter who hurts her? But I thought she felt differently about me I guess… I mean, I just thought we understood each other in a way nobody else does… did I imagine all of that? Or maybe I'm just overthinking everything?

The thought of my Rach kissing anyone else makes me sick. Like physically sick; my guts churn and my chest caves in on itself and I feel this angry hot tingle in my face. It makes my muscles twitch and I just want to smash things. And knowing she kissed someone else on purpose, even if it was an accident or a mistake or whatever, there was still that split second when she decided to do it, that she didn't care enough about me to think about how I'd feel or maybe she just wanted to hurt me on purpose… and guess what? IT WORKED. It hurt worse than any pain I've ever felt before. So what am I supposed to do with that? Then she says 'sorry' and 'didn't mean it' and I'm just supposed to say what, 'oh ok, cool' and pretend she didn't just stuff my heart in a woodchipper or something? So this trust thing is a two way street, and I think I'm struggling with it too. I need to be able to trust her again, the way I did before all this crap happened, and I need to know she trusts me too. So how do we get back to that, if we ever had it in the first place?

But then I'll see her sad beautiful brown eyes and I know she's telling me the truth about how she feels. I know that she loves me… I know I didn't imagine that part. And I believe she's really sorry for her mistakes. I can probably forgive EVERYTHING she did that day, including the kiss… But mom's right about how important trust is. Without that, how can we move forward? I think maybe that's where these bad dreams are coming from. We need to fix this trust thing – both of us. But how?

I mean, this isn't the first time McDouche showed up and tried to take her away from me. She went willingly the first time, although we weren't really together then (right, because I was a complete TOOL)… and ok, she did say she walked away from him this time too. She said she doesn't want him, doesn't feel like that about him, so why did she call him at all in the first place? Can I believe she really doesn't still have any feelings for him?

If I'm being totally honest, I know he's a better match for her than me in a lot of ways. He likes all that Broadway crap and understands it more on her level. He's got basically the same career goals as her, and much as I hate to admit it, he is more talented than me – not as talented as Rachel (but then again nobody is). Maybe that's why I hate him so much… he can do things I know I'll never be good enough to do. He can relate to her in a way maybe I never can. He wants the same kind of things Rachel does for himself and probably will have some kind of success in the same sorta showbiz life that Rachel is destined for. And what will I be doing while she's off becoming a big star? Going to community college? Working at Burt's tire shop? I have no idea what I wanna do in the future yet, or how I can ever be good enough to support her and give her the life she deserves. At least St Jackass is putting himself out there and knows what it takes to achieve the kind of dreams Rachel has. I don't even know how to pass Spanish or math without Rachel's help.

I hate feeling like this. I wanna just talk to her about everything. I want her to just say the things I need to hear her say to make me feel better – not like I even know what that would be now. But even if she said the right words, how can I just believe her anymore? 'Cause I thought I could trust everything she ever said to me, but then… then she doubted me, and she cheated on me. And she hurt me on purpose. Or maybe it was accidentally on purpose? Still. It's just so frustrating!

I guess I can blame psycho Quinn all I want, but it's not all her fault we're in this mess. She just put a spotlight on something I didn't even know was a problem. Well, at least I didn't know it was a big enough one to cause this to happen. I mean yeah, I knew Rachel was high maintenance and insecure beforehand, but we were working on all of that… I thought it was getting better. Maybe I got it all wrong from the start. Maybe I can't ever be what Rachel needs me to be, maybe I'll never be good enough? Or maybe she'll never completely trust me. And maybe that's my own fault, for all the times I hurt her so bad in the past. Every time I've ever lied to her or used her or let her down, I chipped away at her trust in me. I tried to earn it back, but maybe.. maybe I just can't? Maybe I hurt her too much before and it'll never be like it was in the very beginning, because I had my chance and I blew it.

Well, I guess I can see from her side, walking out and finding someone else attached to my lips, I can imagine how that would have made her feel. 'Cause I already know exactly how I feel just imagining his lips on hers… And for her to see me with not just anyone else, but with Quinn.. Which yeah, I guess that's kinda the same thing as what's got me so upset about Rach and McDouche - it's who she kissed that hurts so much worse – Allie was right about that I think. Except, I didn't CALL Quinn and I sure didn't initiate anything with her. What would it have meant if the shoes were like, backwards. Like what if I'd seen Rach kissing him and then I'd called Quinn and ended up kissing her. Would that mean I didn't love Rach like I thought I did? UGH!

My brain hurts. I don't wanna think about this anymore right now.

. . . . .

AD:: hiya friend! ::

FH:: hey Alliecat ::

AD:: can I ask you a quick question? ::

FH:: you just did..lol ;) whatsup? ::

AD:: har har… :P just wondered if u know, what's a finchel? ::

FH:: um… why do u ask? ::

AD:: something i heard in lunch line earlier today ::

FH:: what did u hear, who from? ::

AD:: tina and mercedes, i think? Said I was killing a finchel. Is that a bird or something? Bc i'd never kill anything! I don't think they like me vm ::

FH:: nah im sure that isn't true Al.. they jus don't know u well enuf yet ::

AD:: maybe.. but, u didnt answer. Do u know what's a finchel or not? ::

FH:: it's not a bird ::

AD:: okay… ? ::

FH:: uh... well. it's a nickname. a mashup ::

AD:: oh. OH… ::

AD:: soo.. it's YOU? ::

FH:: yeah ::

AD:: and Rachel ::

FH:: yeah… But hey, don't worry about tina & cedes, they like to gossip a lot ::

AD:: well sounds like they think i'm in the way of u2.. u agree? ::

FH:: no Al.. not at all. Stuff w me & rach, that's our stuff to work out. U & me r friends… u know that, right? ::

AD:: i know thats how u feel ::

FH:: is there something else ur not telling me? ::

AD:: no ::

FH:: u sure? ::

AD:: no ::

FH:: i'm calling.. pickup ::

— "Hey Finn. Look, I don't wanna cause problems between you and Rachel."

"Why would you think you're causing problems? Something else is going on that you haven't told me yet. So just tell me please?"

— "Well.. telling you might be proving the point, that I AM causing problems."

"What are you saying? … Wait, did Rachel say something to you?"

— "I mean, we ran into each other in the ladies room."

"Okay… and?"

— "She was at the sink, flossing her teeth or something. But she saw me, like we made eye contact in the mirror so it'd be rude not to say something, right? So I said hi to her. She said hello back but looked away fast and was really quiet, and then I think she started to cry. So I asked if she was okay."

Crap. I hate knowing Rachel is crying like that at school… but I need to know what she said. Except Allie stopped talking. "Umm, ok y'know, stalling with silence isn't gonna make me not wanna hear the rest."

— "You're funny Finn."

"And you're still stalling. C'mon Al, what was said." God I hope Rach didn't treat her like crap.. I know she doesn't like that we're friends, but she doesn't get to decide who I can be friends with anymore than I can decide… well, anything for her. And I really don't wanna get pissed at her over Allie… we have enough things to clear up without adding more stuff on top of it all. Plus, Allie's really cool and a good person who doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

— "Well, she got kind of defensive I think. Told me she was fine and that I should butt out of her business.. All the way out of ALL of her business."

Shit. "Well Rachel does get defensive easily – probably a side effect of how she's always been treated from before we were together. But she shouldn't be mean to you about anything, you haven't done anything wrong."

— "No no, Finn she wasn't mean. Just..I can tell she's hurting, and probably not happy about us being friends. And I'd take an educated guess that she's missing you.. Like a whole lot. But I can understand that… I mean, you're a lot to lose."

"Yeah. I know she's hurting. And sure, I miss her too, but it's… Whatever. I'll talk to her. I don't want her feeling bad about you at all, or taking out her feelings on you. You've only been a good friend to me and there's no reason for anyone to make you feel uncomfortable or like you don't belong." Dammit Rach… did she forget all about Sunshine?

— "Finn, please don't stir the pot on my account! I'm fine, really, no harm done. Plus… I'm probably not gonna be here that much longer anyway."

"Wait, you're leaving? You just got here... Why?"

— "I don't know for sure yet.. But well, you know I'm only here because of my mom's job… She requested a transfer to a more permanent location closer to home in my old school district back in Kansas so I can finish out senior year and graduate there. But I don't know if she'll get it or when.. Just letting you know that I might not even be here for the rest of the school year."

"Well uh, yeah I mean, that's great for her if it works out, and I guess for you too, if you really wanna graduate at your old school with your friends… though I have to admit it'll kinda suck for me."

— "Why the heck would it suck for you? You have loads of friends… and you have Rachel."

"Doesn't mean I wouldn't miss hanging out with an awesome basketball playing, action movie watching, Halo ass-kicking friend of mine."

— "Aww Huddy Buddy… you'll miss me! Will you cry if I leave?"

"Shut up."

— "Haha I'm just teasing you, big silly. Aw shoot, hey, my grammy needs help with something so I gotta run now.. But are we on for movie night later?"

"Yeah I think… I'll let you know if that changes though. Go help your grandma."

— "'Kay.. so maybe I'll see ya later. Bye Finn!"

. . . . .

BABY STEPS.

{{SIGH}} Okay. I've been staring at her contact info for like fifteen minutes and re-reading the last few text messages between us. Yeah I know I probably should have deleted the breakup text, but it's still there, and it still crushes me to see it every time… I don't really know why I keep looking at it. Especially when the like, 30+ messages before that are all I love yous and I miss yous and all sorts of other super hot things we'd say when we're apart and really missing each other. I wanna go back to THAT. I wanna be FINCHEL forever again.

Even still, I can't allow her to take things out on Allie, so I need to talk to her. And also, maybe it's just time. I need to try to really talk to her… maybe not about everything but at least I hope we can start to talk about us without me flying into a blind rage? Maybe that's what these bad dreams are about, maybe this is how I can make them stop.

FH :: hey you. r u home? ::

RB :: Hi Finn. Yes, why? ::

FH :: is it ok if I stop by 2talk? ::

FH :: Rach? ::

RB :: Okay. ::

FH :: ok cool. c u in 15 ::

RB :: Okay, see you soon. ::

When I pulled into her driveway I was sorta relieved to see it empty – no dads. The inside door was open, and before I even got to the doorbell she was there, with those soft silky dark curls of hair flowing over her shoulders and those big doe eyes pulling me into her like a magnet. Dammit I miss her. But I also still have this like, knotted twisty feeling deep in my gut when I look at her, and not the good kind like those swimming fishes. It's more like the kind that makes me wanna cry.

"Hey.. did you wanna come inside, or…"

Do I? Um, YES! Yes I really, really do… but I shouldn't go there now… I just can't yet. Inside means her room, and her room is her smells and her bed and our memories and it's too much. UGH. This sucks so much! At least I don't feel like smashing something when I see her anymore.

"Uh, well I thought maybe we'd go for a walk. Y'know, our trail in the woods, past the Meyer's place?"

"Okay, sure… um, just let me grab my sneakers and a jacket."

I remember when we found that trail in the summer. We were on a late evening stroll in her neighborhood and a spot-fawn baby deer had run in that direction and Rach was so excited to try to go find it… of course she INSISTED we had to check to be sure it's momma was close by (and yeah, the momma was there along with 2 other doe, a button buck, and another spot fawn – and Rach was able to get so close she could almost touch them until they took off when we heard a car backfire somewhere close by. But before that there were also some groundhogs and squirrels and rabbits there too, and none of them took off til the deer did. It was like watching a Disney princess with all the woodland creatures being in love with her. It was almost magical, and the look on her smiling face was completely adorable - so was her pouty face when they took off).

Anyway, once we got to the brush line where the fawn disappeared, we could see into the woods and the trail was pretty obvious. I had to cut through some brush in a couple spots to follow it, but it led down to a little stream that Rach said she never even knew was there. It was so quiet there, completely private, and we had a really hot makeout session there more than once. But it's chilly out today and the daylight is fading fast, plus, well yeah, everything else right now, so this is not gonna be one of those walks on the trail.

I'm pulled out of my memories by her return out the front door. She looks so pretty today, even in yoga pants and a hoodie. She could wear anything and look amazing in it.. But gaaah I can't think like that right now! This is so hard… err, I mean difficult!

We start walking towards the trail. She doesn't look at me, but I can tell she's trying to stay light, pleasant. "So… how have you been?"

Smalltalk and a fake smile… terrific. "I'm uh, ok… –ish. You?"

"Yeah. Same, I guess… I - I miss you."

"Rachel— "

"Oh.. Is that against the rules of a 'pause', I'm not allowed to say that? Ok. Sorry."

"Please don't be like that Rach…it - it's not.. look, I miss you too," I exhaled.

She smiled a little bit at that. I mean I do miss her. And we're friends still, right? And we love each other still, so we can say we miss each other, right? Well.. it's our pause, so I guess we can make the rules, yeah?

"So.. you wanted to talk about something?.. Did you… I mean, is it about us?"

"Uhh.. well, sort of, yeah… But something else first. It's just.. Rachel, I don't want you to make Allie feel bad about being my friend, okay? And listen, I know you have some feelings about this, and I want… I just want you to know that I understand your feelings, but I promise you, there's nothing other than friendship between her and me."

"Ok but … Why are you even telling me any of this Finn? I mean, you've already said that before, and I haven't said anything or–"

"Rachel. I know you feel uncomfortable about her. You're usually not real good at hiding things like jealousy or worry. I'm just trying to be sure you remember that… that just 'cause we're paused doesn't mean I forgot you, or that I don't care."

"I know."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, …well," she let out a big loud sigh "Okay. I'm trying Finn. I truly am. I mean.. I'd just feel better if I knew that we were any closer to working things out, or at least, you know, talking about the things we need to discuss to be able to work things out between us… I - I'm not rushing you, just.. Just checking in, like we said."

"Yeah. No, that's what we said, right."

"So.. do you… h-have you thought much about us? Or when you might be ready to really talk?"

"Sure I've thought about us Rach, that's like basically all I do." Like seriously, my brain is turning to oatmeal for all the thinking I'm doing, it's not used to working like this… "But what about you? Have you thought about things too?"

"Yes, really Finn I have. I.. I'm just not sure if this is the right time to say anything. I mean, there are things I want to say to you but I don't know if you're ready to hear it and I don't want to upset you or rush you."

We reached the edge of the little stream where there's a big fallen log we claimed as our spot last summer. I sat down and took her hand and tugged her to sit down next to me.

"Ok look, I.. I don't know where to really start. But one thing I think I need to get out of the way is, like… Are you sure you don't have any feelings left for Jesse? Seriously, I need you to be honest with me and with yourself… and I'll, well.. If you do, I'll try to understand - but I won't like, be mad at you."

She looked really surprised when I asked her that. But she swallowed hard and looked down at her lap and took a minute before she said anything. "That's not at all the question I expected you to start with Finn. To be honest, I thought.. Well, that is, I hoped you'd believed me when I said before that he doesn't mean anything to me now. And I was being honest when I said it then, I promise I was. So.. are you just double checking that my feelings haven't changed, or are you asking because you're not sure you believed me in the first place?"

"I.. well I don't not believe you Rach, I just. I mean. Ok, look, I was thinking how things looked from your side, things between me and Quinn." she totally winced when I said her name. "I just mean, well y'know how Quinn was my first girlfriend, right? And yeah, it all went bad and she lied to me and went all crazy and whatever.. Still, that didn't completely erase every little good thing I ever felt for her from before baby-gate, it just pushed those feelings and memories far far away. I still remember them, but they don't make me feel anything special about her now. I don't miss being with her, and I'd never wanna go back to her. For me, what she did was pretty unforgivable. So I guess I thought, maybe him and the way he used you, and the egg attack last year was kinda like your baby-gate thing, y'know? Unforgivable… So even if you remember some good things about him from before, the super bad things he did kinda canceled out any good that you might still feel. Does that make sense?"

I watched her eyes the whole time I was talking. I know I saw flashes of hurt, maybe even anger. She was quiet for a while, but I could tell she was looking for the words. Processing, thinking through every detail like she always does.

"Well, yes… I do understand what you mean... and Finn, I promise you that I no longer hold ANY romantic feelings towards Jesse whatsoever. I don't miss him and I don't want to be with him. The egg thing… Yes, I suppose your assimilation to what Quinn did to you was quite accurate. But," she hesitated here and I wasn't sure why. "Are you maybe questioning this, just because I called him that night?"

"Yeah, that's probably a big part of it." Oh, and the fact that you KISSED HIM. Yeah that maybe has SOMETHING to do with it.

"Okay. Well, if it helps at all for you to know, I only called him because he was there, he was available. I mean, you know I don't really have many friends, Finn; certainly nobody whom I thought would just come when I called.. well, none except you, and so.. it was only just a matter of convenience as to why I called him."

Yeah. She's been slowly working on winning over some of the glee folks but she's probably right, not too many of them woulda been willing to drop everything and come running for her. "Well, you coulda chose to NOT call him at all.. You could have chose to call me, y'know, just talk to me instead…"

She's looking at me with so much sadness and regret in her watery eyes. How can I not believe her? "Yes you're right. I should have, and I'm so sorry that I didn't do that Finn. But I was just so hurt, convinced that you and Quinn were… Well anyway. You don't know how much I wish that's what I HAD done instead, called you. I'd give anything to be able to take that back, Finn.. I know how much I hurt you. And I can't say how sorry I am enough times. You're the last person I ever want to hurt." She reached over and placed her little hand on my forearm. Last time she touched me there I felt ice; this time I feel heat. I just feel her.

"It just made me think maybe you were choosing him over me. And maybe he can give you something I can't.. And if that's true, then maybe I'm never gonna be the right guy for you, a guy you fully trust, or the guy who can be what you need… that maybe I'm never gonna be good enough for you. 'Cause I already know I'm not."

She reached a hand to my cheek and made me look into those big brown eyes. "Finn please don't EVER say that! Of course that's not true! You ARE good enough! Better even… You… you're so kind and so caring. You've been a better friend to me than anyone.. Well you know already, you've been my only friend most of the time. Nobody could be more important to me." She took a slow deep breath and concentrated hard as she looked into my eyes with her soft brown ones. "And you're ten times the man Jesse could ever wish he could be. So please don't ever doubt yourself. If I need to remind you every day I will. As for trust… please listen closely Finn, and please believe me, because I mean this more than you know… I trust you with my life."

I closed my eyes and placed my hand over hers for a beat, then I wrapped my fingers around hers gently and pulled her hand down from my face. It was feeling too good. But I held onto her hand a little bit longer, just enjoying the touch of her skin, being connected to her in some small way. I'm still so selfish about her. And I know the tears are starting to well up in my eyes but I'm fighting hard to hold them back.

"Finn, I'm sorry. I wish I could somehow magically undo all of this and I kind of think you expect me to be able to somehow, but.. I'm not sure I can, except to tell you how much I love you, and how sorry I am for hurting you with the mistakes I made. And to hope that you believe me and.. Maybe you can forgive me someday."

I sighed, letting go of her hand and stood up. "I do believe you Rach, and no… I'm not expecting you to have all the answers here to fix everything between us. But I mean, I guess I worry that you'll never completely trust me or believe the things I tell you. I've said it so many times, I'm not interested in ANY other girls… I tell you all the time how I feel about you and you SAY you believe me, but then, something like this happens and you lash out and hurt me - on purpose… I just. I guess I don't get it. How can you say you believe and trust me, but then still hurt me like that?" I don't know when I became one of those people who talks with their hands, but I realized my arms were like flapping around a lot when I said all of this.

She was quiet for a long time. I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks and I just wanted to make it stop.

"I.. Finn, I'm still trying to believe the things you say, that you care about me more than those other girls, that you think I'm prettier than them. I guess part of me knows that you believe that… It's hard for me though, when I see myself next to them, and I know I'm not like them. I never will be. And I know it's what you say you like best about me, but have you looked around? Most boys would choose Quinn or Santana over me every time."

I threw my hands up in the air. "GOOD!" I sorta said much louder than intended and she jumped… then I softened my voice a bit and explained, "Let them choose Quinn and Santana… then I can have you all to myself and not have to worry about kicking anyone else's ass." She kinda giggled through tears. I kneeled down in front of her and took both her hands in mine. "But don't you see, Rach… I'm not THEM. I'm not most guys – not anymore. Not now that I know YOU. Look, I realize I screwed up so much with you in the past, but that was before. You opened my eyes to see that I was being a jerk who only cared about what everyone else thought, and stupid stuff like being popular. I was just going along to get along, but that was before you. I'm not that guy anymore Rach, because of you. And I know how easy your feelings get hurt. I just… I wish you trusted me to NOT be that guy who would hurt you anymore, y'know?"

She squeezed my hands tightly and looked me straight in the eyes. "I do know that you've changed, Finn... I just struggle to see myself the way you do, I suppose – but I promise I'm trying to. You have to know that I'm really trying."

Yeah. I know that's like, problem #1 – her insecurities. "Rach, if - or maybe when you finally really believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are, how special you are, how you don't need to compare yourself to anyone else – maybe then you won't feel so insecure anymore… and maybe that's when you'll be able to finally completely trust me."

"I do believe you'd never hurt me on purpose Finn, especially now… but, the rest, I have to admit, it's hard for me. You know, all my life I've felt unwanted, probably because my mother gave me up. Then even when I found her, she STILL didn't want to be a mother to me. Which, I know none of that is YOUR fault, and I know you've been trying to help fix that for me, but.. It's not that easy to change something I've always been so sure of for my whole life, do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah Rach, I get what you're saying." Shit. This problem with her insecurities is so much bigger than what I can possibly try to help her with… I know she's been in therapy for the whole mommy abandonment thing for a long time. If a doctor with like, fancy degrees and stuff can't help her, then what good am I really doing?

Maybe this is enough trying to talk about us for today. It's starting to feel kinda hopeless, and I don't wanna give up hope. "Ok. Look, anyway… I mostly just wanted to ask you to be.. Well, maybe asking you to be friendly to Allie is too much right now, but at least don't be mean to her. She hasn't done anything wrong. And she knows about us, she knows how I feel about you."

She snapped her head in my direction with a surprised look. "You told her about us?"

"Well sure, of course I did. Because… well, partly because I needed to talk to someone about it, and partly because I didn't want her getting any wrong ideas."

Without looking at me and with a weak smile she almost whispered, "She is really pretty though."

"Rachel. I've told you, I don't think of her like that."

"Okay."

I tugged her chin up to look at me. "You say okay, but I'm not sure you really believe it."

"It's not easy, Finn. Knowing she's spending time with you, time that we should be spending together. Time you and I should be talking and working on us, you know?"

Yeah okay, maybe she isn't totally wrong feeling that way… but at the same time, is she hearing anything I'm saying? Like this is sort of the ENTIRE problem, her not trusting me or believing me.

"So what then, I can't have any friends that are girls? Or I'm just not allowed to be friends with Allie? I mean which is it, Rachel? Because if you really understand what I've been saying here, if you honestly do trust me, then why is my friendship with her a problem? The way I see it, either you don't actually trust me with her, or you don't actually believe me when I tell you how I feel about you. Either way it's kind of a big deal in our relationship, doncha think?" Dammit I know I sounded way more harsh than I meant to and yeah I kinda raised my voice a little… but SHIT this is so frustrating with her!

And the tears are falling like a broken faucet again… UGH! I really hate to see her cry or hurting like this.. But she needs to understand me. "Finn.. I'm not sure what to say to you. Does it hurt me to see Allie with you? Well yes, sure it does! I can't lie about that, and I can't help how I feel. How would you feel if I was hanging out with a non-gay GUY friend? Would you accept it at face value?" Crap. Okay, umm, NO, probably not. Okay DEFINITELY not. I just looked up at the sky then closed my eyes because yeah, I'm pretty sure we all know I'd be totally up in flames with jealousy – and she knows it too. I'm the guy who sang 'Jessie's Girl' to her when we weren't even together yet. Of course I'd lose my shit. "And I know you say it's just a friendship with her, but you know, things sometimes happen, I mean look – you and I were just FRIENDS first and look how that went! How can you be so sure that it'll never happen with you and her?"

"C'mon Rachel, you can't compare her to us, that's just not the same–"

"It IS Finn, you can't tell me that it isn't! You might have become friendly with her at some point anyway, but not like the way you are with her now. At least, I can't imagine you'd be spending this much time alone with her if we'd never ..PAUSED." Ahhh ok, maybe she does have a point there… I agree, if we were still together like before, I sure wouldn't be hanging out at a park or going to a movie with Allie by myself. Crap.

"But I think mostly, it hurts to see you with her so much because it just.. It reminds me of how badly I messed up with you, and that it's all MY FAULT you're even hanging out with her at all. I just wish I could turn back time and have not run away from you that day! I wish I would have stayed and heard you out. More importantly, I SHOULD HAVE known better that you would never willingly have kissed Quinn Fabray. I should have trusted you in the first place, had more faith in us. But as if all that wasn't bad enough, I ran to Jesse, and I know how you feel about him. I've just regretted all of it every day since… But I can't take it back now, and I don't know how to undo it. What can I do to make this better, Finn? If you know, will you please tell me? Because this pause is keeping us apart, and I can't.. That is, the only way I think I can even try fixing this is just to show you every day that I DO believe you, that I DO trust you.. Except we're NOT TOGETHER enough for me to be able to do that!"

"Rach, it feels to me like you're NOT trusting me with Allie. I've already told you, I still love you. Only YOU. And we agreed, no romantic involvements with anyone else..remember? So I mean, isn't this a chance for you to do what you're saying, to show me that you do trust me?"

She sniffles and wipes her tears away with the back of her hand and sighs loudly. She's staring at her feet as she nods yes and in almost a whisper she says "Yeah.. ok.. Maybe.. I guess you're right. I - I can do better. I WILL do better Finn, I promise."

"And Rachel, what you said about how you and me were friends first, and how you're worrying that's gonna happen with me and Allie – it WON'T. I know it won't because you and me, we're different. You're different… more special than ANYONE. The reasons I love you, it's just… more than anything Allie or anyone else could ever be. I know that because there's only one Rachel Berry, and SHE is who I love."

She tried to smile and the tears are still streaming down her face. I can't stand it anymore. I pull her up into my arms in a big bear hug. She smells so good and feels so warm and soft and I want so badly to kiss her, but.. I think I need to not let myself go there yet. I mean, friends hug, nothing wrong with that…right? Our pause, our rules, right? Yeah. Yeah it is… ok so maybe just one small kiss isn't so bad? Maybe it'll reassure her what I just said, that I do love her and ONLY her… and maybe I need that reminder too.

I'm looking into her puffy red eyes with those long wet lashes and her nose is bright pink and she's just so fucking adorable even looking like this, I just can't not kiss her. So I tilt her chin up gently and I lean my head down to press my lips onto hers. I feel her warm breath against my face and her arms reach up around my neck. I close my eyes, but before my lips actually touch hers I suddenly see a flash of her kissing ST JACKASS in my mind. FUCK!

I just have to stop. It's too much, too soon..dammit! I pull away and gently grab her arms and unwind them from my neck and she looks like I just slapped her. "Sorry, Rach. I'm just.. I'm not ready to… I really wanna be, and I thought maybe.. but I just can't yet. We should prob'ly get back, it's cold out here and it's getting late."

She gave me the saddest nod and it broke my heart all over again. We walked back in mostly awkward silence, but I did hold her hand most of the way because it was getting kinda dark and I didn't want her to fall or anything. When we got to her house she asked me to wait there on the porch for a minute, she wanted to give me something and ran inside up to her room.

When she came back outside, she said "Finn, I know I hurt you deeply… but. I wanted to try to remind you just what you really mean to me. Remember what I told you about metaphors?" I nodded yes – gold stars are kinda her whole life, not like I can ever forget that now. "Well, you know that I always sign my name with a gold star as a reminder to myself that one day my name will mean something, that I am destined to succeed and achieve my dreams. That star reminds me to never give up, to always believe that's who I am, and that if I work hard enough I'll deserve that success." I'm shaking my head yes but I'm not sure where she's going with this. Then she pulled out a white paper square from her pocket and peeled off a giant shiny gold star sticker, about the size of the palm of her hand. She pressed it onto my shirt, right over my heart, and held both her hands there on my chest. She had tears in her eyes and a big smile on her face and said "Finn, I need you to know, to believe… as much as I may want Broadway, my dreams are different now – they're bigger and more important than Broadway. You made me dream bigger. THIS is also my dream – it's you. It's having and keeping your heart, and for us to be together, always… and I'll work hard to deserve it, Finn, whatever it takes, I promise."

I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. I stood there with my mouth hanging open like a fish out of water, then she simply kissed my cheek, whispered goodnight and went back inside, turning to give me a small wave before closing the door. I stood with my hand over my heart still feeling her touch and staring at her door for quite a while before I got in my truck to leave. God I love her SO much! Now if I could just NOT think about her kissing him anymore... but what if I can't? What if that feeling never goes away?

. . . . .

WARM MILK DOESN'T SUCK.

Ok so the whole 'new family' slash 'step-brother' thing that me and Kurt have going on is, well, it's actually kinda cool most of the time. Yeah sure, it's taken some time to adjust.. like he also has a lot of weird night time rituals like Rachel does, which means hogging the bathroom half the night.

But something he started doing in the evenings was bringing me a glass of warm milk and having a chat with me before bed. Um. Ok yeah yeah, I know it sounds kinda super weird – and warm milk totally sounds gross, except it really isn't, surprisingly. Who knew? So I don't even mind it now. In fact, I sorta look forward to it sometimes (don't tell Kurt I said that).

Kurt seemed too eager to have our night time chat tonight. He musta had some big news he wanted to share (which usually means he has juicy gossip) since he changed it from just warm milk to hot chocolate tonight – and he even brought cookies!

"So Finn. How are things with you and Rachel? Have you two talked at all yet?"

I chuckled at him kinda sarcastically. "Really, Kurt? Like you don't know the answer to that before you asked."

"Well ok, fair enough… I just didn't want to seem presumptuous."

"Dude, I know you talk to her like, every day. Which by the way, I've meant to tell you, I'm glad she has you as a friend to lean on… Anyway I can tell that you either wanna tell me something or ask me something; whichever it is can you spit it out? I'm actually getting pretty tired now.. This hot chocolate is acting like a sleep serum or something. Did you spike it?" I was joking of course, but brothers gotta say stuff like that, right? Plus, I think it's pretty hilarious watching him get all riled up sometimes.

"Finn Hudson! Of course I didn't spike it, I'm not Puckerman for Gaga's sake! But… ok yes.. I do have some news to share. Diva and I had a brief chat with a certain controversial EX of hers…"

"Wait what? You're saying she talked to Jesse?"

"Yesss, she did… And it was a good thing I think. Or, she thinks so, anyway. She wanted to clear the air with him to ensure there was no confusion on his part over her role on the day of the INCIDENT… you know, making sure he wouldn't be pursuing her, and that he didn't get the wrong idea about her intentions."

Wonder why she didn't mention this to me herself? "So what did he have to say?"

"He apparently confessed that he'd been confused by her rapidly changing demeanor – one minute she's texting him to stay away, then she's calling him for a ride, the next she's kissing him, and finally she's basically telling him to take a leap off a bridge."

"She said that?" If only he would… I'd gladly drive him to one… haha.

"Maybe not in those exact words, but yes, that was the basic concept. She essentially told him that she'd gone through a traumatic ordeal involving you which led to reprehensible actions on her part, but she wanted him to understand that she made a series of regrettable mistakes with him, but that she is still hopelessly in love with you and she's only interested in working things out with you, not him. She asked him to forget everything that happened and not let it influence anything related to her, you or the glee club." He sipped on his hot chocolate as if for a dramatic pause… then he added "Oh – and she also told him he should probably reconsider continuing staying on as our show choir competition advisor and seek a job elsewhere."

Whoa.. "She asked him to quit?"

"Yes Finn. She also spoke to Mr Schuester apparently, expressing the same."

"Why would she do that?"

"Really Finn? Have you seen the look on your face when he's present, or even when he isn't? No you have not. Or how about the fact that you still refuse to even attend glee while he is around. Don't you think that's what is influencing her request? She knows how you feel… she did it for your sake."

Huh. Or maybe it's because she doesn't really trust herself around him? Nah… I'm sure that's not true.

"She didn't have to do that. But I can't say I'd be sorry if he just disappeared." I've actually had some pretty great dreams about helping to MAKE him disappear.

I probably shouldn't ask him this but… "Has she said anything about me and Allie?"

"Brother dearest… Even if she had, you know the complicated and somewhat uncomfortable situation I'm in, being both your family and her friend… So, even if there was anything she'd shared in confidence, surely you can see how inappropriate it would be of me to divulge said details to you."

Huh? I guess my confusion was all over my face because then he said "I can't always tell you everything she says Finn, so please, don't put me in the middle." I just nodded my head. Then he added "She loves you though.. and she misses you, very much."

"Yeah man. I miss her too.. But… it's just not that easy."

"Why not? You two love each other, you miss each other.. I'm not sure I get the point of this pause… what will it take to end it and for Finchel to be all… sickeningly FINCHEL-like again?"

"Is that you asking or is it her?"

"Does it really matter?"

UGH. No, maybe not.. but I don't know the answer anyway, so… "When I figure it out, she'll be the first to know. Thanks for the hot chocolate, Kurt… goodnight."

. . . . .

THE PROBLEM WITH BEING FRIENDS.

Five weeks. Five whole weeks away from Rachel and I don't quite feel ready to just put an end to my own misery. What does that say about us, or how I feel about her? Ever since she put that gold star on my heart, I can't stop feeling like I'm letting this go on too long. I can see her trying so hard, and I know she wants me to end this… is it a separation? Whatever it is, it sucks. I know I asked for it but now I'm not sure how to undo it. I want to, but I'm not sure I can just do it so easily, even though I miss the hell out of being with her. Somehow it still just doesn't feel right yet though. As long as I see that Jackass everytime I kiss her – or try to kiss her – it feels all wrong. I don't even know why it's happening. I kinda feel like I forgave her already for all of it… and yet, something is still nagging at me, making me feel in my gut that it's not time yet.

Maybe Allie really has been too much of a distraction sometimes. She's been a terrific friend and a great way to not keep losing my shit over Rachel. But maybe Rach is right, I should be spending more time with her and working on us. I have spent a good bit of time NOT thinking about us lately, and most of it has been spent playing Halo or watching Marvel movies with Allie. Which I sorta do feel guilty about, but y'know, I just HAVE to take a break from all that thinking… Plus, Allie needs a friend too, and I do think mom was right when she said I have plenty of time to work things out with Rach.

Or maybe I'm just afraid to let myself be so vener.. vultur.. No. VULNERABLE – yeah, that's the word! (Those flashcards are really starting to pay off!) Maybe I'm afraid to let her be that close again because of how easily she can hurt me. Like, I had some seriously dark thoughts that first week or two after everything happened. I just need to know that she really means what she says and that I don't need to doubt her feelings about me anymore, that I can trust her the way I used to. We've pretty much talked about everything now, I don't know how much more there is to say. So now I guess I'm just waiting for like, a sign or something?

. . . . .

Puck is still trying to be a friend I guess, and decided we needed to have another little 'bro-chat' about Rachel. I don't know why this matters to him so much. I mean yeah I was willing to put aside all the baby drama crap from last year for the sake of the football championship, and I've even been working with him in glee on some of Schue's weird weekly assignments… but we still haven't been like, all buddy-buddy like we used to be outside of school.

Somehow, it still doesn't totally feel like he's my brother anymore, not the way he used to be before he went behind my back and knocked up my (EX) girlfriend. But maybe it's time for me to fix this relationship too? Rachel said forgive but don't forget, and I thought I did that, but… maybe I need to really talk to him about stuff since we never actually discussed anything after babygate. So when he called me to ask about me and Rachel again, I figured I'd bring it up.

— "Finnessa you and Rachel just need to get your shit together. How long do you really think this pause needs to be?"

"Dude, I'm trying my best. Y'know, that St Douchebag really gets under my skin.. And the fact she ran to him just, hurt so goddamn bad I haven't figured out how to get over it. I wanna kiss her and every time I try, I see HIM."

— "That's kinda gay."

"Fuck you, man.. You know what I meant, like I see HER kissing him!"

— "Yeah yeah, just bustin' your balls… Look man, I get it. After how I screwed you over last year, I guess I only have myself to blame for how bad you're taking this shit with her now."

Well there it is. That's a sad fact isn't it? "Yeah, I guess maybe that's true.. We never talked about this shit after it happened. I couldn't talk to you – or even LOOK at you for the longest time without wanting to beat you within an inch of your life."

— "I get it man, and yeah that kinda really sucked. Bro, I've wanted to say it forever but.. I really am TRULY sorry man. I shoulda never screwed over my brother for a split-tail. Y'know, I got caught up in her flirty blue eyes and crunchy toast skirt and I just didn't even think about you at all. I broke the bro code, which was so uncool.. I suck."

"Yeah you really do."

— "Gee thanks a lot man!" he laughed though. "Look I really mean it dude.. I've regretted betraying you every single day man, I mean, you're my brother Finn. We've been through so much shit together our whole lives and yeah, I really fucked up. I'm glad you at least started talking to me again, but I know things have never been the same."

"Listen Puck, I'm over it now. I mean, yeah, it totally hurt like all hell at the time and no, I wasn't sure I could EVER forgive you. But, y'know, Rachel helped talk me through all of it. She really helped me see the big picture.. And to be perfectly honest, looking back on everything I think you sorta actually did me a favor. Quinn is freakin' insane!"

— "TRUUUUTH! HAHAHA yeah brother you got that shit right! You know she was asking me if I had a switchblade or any kind of knife yesterday? I don't even wanna know why the hell that girl thinks I'd give her a sharp object, or what the fuck she'd do with it if I did."

"Yeah I think I have a pretty good idea… I had a flat tire, with a giant gash in it."

— "You fucking serious? DUDE it wasn't me, I swear man! I didn't help her and I didn't give her anything, scout's honor!"

"Nah man don't sweat it. I have no doubt she figured it out on her own. I just don't understand why she's acting like this toward me all of a sudden, I mean I swear to god I didn't come onto her in any way… but she's got this crazy idea in her head somehow that I want her back."

— "Maybe she's wanting a do-over from last year. I'm telling you Finn, she's never been the same since Beth. I couldn't even put up with her crazy hot and cold. Like, NO amount of hot sex is worth THAT aggravation – and that's ME sayin' that shit! She even said it to me a few times, how she wishes she could rewind the clock and start last year over. Said she would have NEVER cashed her v-card with me, she wanted it to be you instead. Maybe she's really trying to live out that fantasy somehow?"

"I dunno man, but whatever her problems are, it really helped to fuck things up with me and Rach."

"Well.. yeah she had a part to play there, but.. seriously man, is it really this shit with Quinn that has you and Berry hanging in this limbo?"

{{Sigh}} "No. Well, yeah I mean she started it with that fucking kiss, but Rachel… she ran off and did shit I couldn't have ever imagined her doing to me. It felt like babygate again, being cheated on, betrayed by the person who I was SO SURE could do no wrong like, ever."

"Finnster you're kinda being a dick again right now aren't you? You expect way too much from her."

"The hell does that mean?"

— "It means you put her on this fucking pedestal and expect her to be PERFECT, to never screw up.. .I mean christ sake, she's a teenage girl for one thing, and like, the BIGGEST drama queen on the face of the earth! So of course she's gonna be insecure and of course she's gonna screw up sometimes! But doesn't it count that she talked to you about everything, that she was honest with you about stuff, even at the risk of hurting you? She didn't hide from anything man. She owned it, ALL of it – even though she coulda easily kept it hidden and you wouldn't have ever known the difference. You woulda forgiven her right away and this would have all been a blip on the Finchel timeline. Instead you've let it drag on for weeks– turning into months pretty soon now."

Shit. Why is PUCKERMAN always ending up sounding like my personal Yoda?

"Maybe you have a point. Maybe I do kinda expect her to be inflatable."

— "Ahh.. inflatable?"

"Yeah, y'know, incapable of screwing up.. shit, maybe that wasn't the right word.. I swear I just saw it on a flash card…whatever. I'll look it up later. Anyway. You get what I'm saying."

— "Yeah I get it. Berry is pretty INFLATABLE though.. With those lungs of hers, bet she really knows how to bl—"

"Dude DO NOT finish that sentence! Seriously, don't push your luck with me right now,'kay?"

— "Sorry man, reflex… couldn't help myself… haha. Just, dude I want you two to be happy. You're both just so NOT happy without each other. So can you just get over yourself and forgive her already?"

"I'm trying man. It's been hard to be away from her this long. But thanks bro.. Thanks for keeping tabs on her, and for caring. I know you wanna help but there's not much you can do, really.. I just need to figure some things out in my head."

— "Well get off your ass and make it happen Finnster, time's a wastin'. You need her as much as she needs you.. Maybe more if she really is inflatable…" he trailed off laughing like a hyena. Shit I guess I really need to look at those flashcards again.

. . . . .

Glee was interesting today. I only go there on the days when I know McDouchey isn't there. Rachel asked to sing a song before we got into regionals discussion. She said it was crucial to getting us ready and bringing the team back together… then she looked to me and just sorta knocked the wind outta my lungs.

"Regionals is coming, and we got there as a team, together, and we'll win together. We're a family in this club. I know it's not the most conventional family, and we don't always all get along, but that's how families sometimes work." She looked down to the floor and scuffed her shoe around as her voice got a little softer. "Everyone knows there's been some tension in our Glee family lately – and I take a lot of responsibility for that. I want to apologize to all of you, but especially to one of you…" Her eyes met mine and said "I wouldn't have this family without the help of the most important person in my life, in my heart… my Finn. My best friend. I love you, and I know we'll be okay... But until then, I'll be here."

Oceans apart, day after day, And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line, but it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never, How can we say forever?

Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive this romance
But in the end if I'm with you, I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it, baby? You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I don't know how I kept the tears at bay in front of everyone, but the lump was in my throat and I know my heart was racing to the point my whole body was trembling. As soon as the song ended I got up and hugged her. I just held on and never wanted to let go, but then I heard Quinn say "please, can we NOT make everyone gag" and Santana made some rude remark about trolls and jolly green giants. Before I could say anything to either of them, Mr. Schue snapped at them for not being good teammates and thanked Rachel for her beautiful performance and dedication.

I pulled back from the hug and wiped the tear from Rach's cheek and we sat next to each other the rest of practice. Rachel's right. Our friendship is still strong and I know we'll be okay.

. . . . .

TIME TO BE THANKFUL… EVEN IF LIFE SUCKS.

My favorite time of year is any holiday involving FOOD (and BTW that's just a coincidence no matter what anyone says). So of course, Thanksgiving is pretty high at the top of the list!

Tomorrow is the last day of school before the holiday break and after the crappy week I was having, I couldn't wait to have a few days off. I was totally looking forward to this year's holiday season, being with Rachel for the first time and sharing all these special occasions with her is something I'd been so excited about… And then all that crap happened and nothing's felt the same since. I mean yeah, we're still friends, and we're still trying to work through it, so I'm not gonna let this PAUSE get me down too much. I just wish I could get past it already.

After dinner tonight, mom was planning her shopping list for the big day and asked me if I was inviting anyone over for Thanksgiving. I hadn't considered asking anyone but Rachel. Puck usually pops by whether invited or not, but the more I thought of it, I'd really like to ask Allie. She's not from here, and other than her grandparents I'm not sure she has anyone to celebrate with. She didn't say if her mom was gonna be in town or not but it's at least a friendly thing to offer, right?

So I told mom that she should include some vegan stuff on her shopping list because I was pretty sure Rachel was coming (even though we haven't talked about it yet - crap, I gotta remember to do that). Then I called Allie. She said her mom wasn't able to make it back, she was actually stuck in Toronto and snowed in, which was a bummer. Her grandparents were just doing a small lunch thing for the three of them but she said she'd be glad to come by after.

Now here's my dilemma: forwarn Rachel, or not? Okay yeah I know, it's prob'ly gonna be bad either way. I'd like to think it'll be fine, maybe she'll surprise me? I guess the only way to know is to just tell her and find out.

FH :: hey you ::

RB :: Hi Finn. ::

FH :: is it ok if i pick u up 4school tomrw? ::

RB :: Oh, really? Why? ::

FH :: no reason.. just, last day b4 break, thought it'd b nice ::

RB :: Are you sure? Daddy can take me if it's a problem. ::

FH :: rach.. I offered lol. not a problem ::

RB :: Okay I guess, but only if you're sure? ::

FH :: cool. c u our ush time ::

RB :: Okay then, I'll see you in the morning Finn. And.. thank you. ::

FH :: u dont hv2 thank me rach ::

RB :: I know, but thank you anyway. Goodnight Finn :) ::

FH :: nite rach ;) ::

Gotta admit, I kinda have those fish flops happening again in my gut just thinking about picking her up. Maybe it's 'cause I've missed doing it so much, but I know it's also 'cause I hope she's gonna be okay with knowing Allie is coming to dinner too… well, assuming Rach is actually coming? Ugh I guess technically I still needed to invite Rachel! Geesh that coulda been really awkward to forget!

I pulled up at Rachel's place at 7:10am as usual. Typical Rachel, she's already walking out the door while I'm still pulling into the driveway. Like nothing's changed. She looks gorgeous today. Black skirt with blue stripes and her green jacket, but she did something different with her hair.. It's kinda braided around her face, but long in the back. I jumped out to open her door, and as she steps closer to me she sorta hesitates.

"Mornin' Rach, everything ok?" I asked as I took her backpack from her and put it in the truck.

"Good morning Finn! Um, everything is fine with me, how are you?"

"Everything is great, but we need to skedaddle here – unless you wanna be late today?" I winked at her with a lopsided grin.

She's nervous. Why is she nervous? S'Not like I haven't picked her up like a million times before… oh, but yeah, I haven't done it since we've been paused, and maybe she has her own fishy swimming flippers in her belly too?

"You look really pretty today," I tell her, trying to ease the weirdness a little. Wait, does that make it weirder?

"Thank you Finn, you look really nice too," she beamed her megawatt smile at me and I felt my heartbeat double up. I've missed this.. A lot.

So we're in the truck and on our way and my senses are completely assaulted by her delicious strawberry Rachel smells and UGH this is sorta torturing me! I wanna just pull over and kiss her face off. But I gotta stay focused on the mission – Thanksgiving.

"So Rach, uh, I wanted to ask, are you coming over for Thanksgiving dinner? Mom was making the shopping list last night and I remembered to tell her to plan something vegan for you."

She's just sitting there stock-still staring at me like I have three heads or something. Her mouth is opening and closing and she's just not saying anything… "Rach? Did you already have plans or.."

"I - I'm sorry Finn, you just.. Surprised me. I wasn't sure you'd want me to be there is all. I mean, it's a family holiday and.."

"Rachel.. you're still my family. Of course I want you to be there." Without taking my eyes off the road I reached over and squeezed her hand.

She smiled so big and I'm pretty sure she had tears in her eyes. "Of course I would love to join you and your family for the holiday. I'd be honored, thank you for the invitation. I'll make my Bubbe Rose's secret recipe pecan pie, and some of your favorite banana bread."

"Awesome! Me and my stomach are looking forward to it, thanks Rach!" I kissed the back of her hand and kept holding onto it. I could feel her squeezing my fingers every few seconds like she wasn't totally relaxed yet.

"And hey one more thing.. uh, just giving you a heads-up… um, I invited Allie to stop over too, since her mom isn't making out here for the holiday. She said she'd probably come by later after her meal with her grandparents. I just wanted to let you know."

Silence. Tense smile, quiet sigh. Looking out the window… is she gonna say anything?

She finally looked toward me with a soft (but forced) smile and said "That's very chivalrous of you to offer her an invitation Finn, but then.. I always knew how chivalrous you are."

"It's only because you taught me how good it feels to be nice to people." I squeezed her hand again "I'm really glad you're coming to dinner, Rach. It'll be nice to spend some time together."

"Do you think your mom would like some help cooking? I'd be happy to come early and pitch in."

"Yeah, I think she'd love that. I can pick you up, I'll check with mom and see what time. You're really awesome y'know that?"

"I try," she smiled at me and squeezed my hand tight.

. . . . .

Kurt's with Blaine at his grandparent's house right now. They're supposed to be back this evening in time for dessert. Me and Burt have been hanging out in the living room all morning watching the Macy's parade and being tortured by the heavenly smells coming out of the kitchen. We're both starving already and it's not even lunch time yet!

Rach and Mom have been in the kitchen for like three hours already, both standing guard keeping us men outta their domain. I keep trying to sneak in and 'taste test' everything, but one or the other of them keeps catching me and swatting my hand away before I can get a hold of anything… dammit! Don't these women know I'm a big dude and an athlete and I need a ton of calories to like, survive?

Burt kept laughing at all my failed attempts but then it was my turn to laugh when his efforts were also met by the wrath of the Mom-chel SWAT Team! Rach finally took pity on us both though, she let us each have a piece of that delicious banana bread of hers - and oh god it was as good as ever, man have I missed it! And I've missed her. I'm so glad she's here today, Thanksgiving wouldn't feel the same without her. Plus it really makes me feel so good to see mom and Rach having their 'girl bonding' time in the kitchen together again. I think mom's missed Rachel too… a lot.

Burt was already crashed in front of the TV and snoring a little so Mom went in and pulled a blanket over him and kissed the top of his head. Since she had to work last night, Mom said she needed a little power nap of her own before dinner. Rach was still finishing putting together some veggie casserole thingy anyway. Mom put me and Rach in charge of making the mashed potatoes while she went in to take her nap. I washed and peeled the potatoes while Rach did, well, everything else.

Once the potatoes were finally cooked, it was time to actually SMASH them (y'know, the fun part) so Rach showed me how to start by using some crazy branding-iron looking tool with what she called a 'waffle pattern' on it. She showed me how to use it, and after I got most of the bigger pieces smooshed up, she came in with the electric mixer, some milk and butter. She was smoothing out all the lumps and a little bit splashed outta the bowl all over me while she was still busy mixing.

I chuckled at her "HEY! You got potato splatter on me!" She giggled and apologized, but after a couple seconds she did it again – on purpose this time, and giggled some more. "Oh so you think it's funny do you? You wanna play that game, huh?" I laughed as I scooped some squishy wet potatoes out of the bowl with my fingers and smeared it on her cheek.

She gasped and yelled "FINN! You're such a child!" she scolded. But then she looked at me out of the corner of her eye with an evil smirk. She grabbed a teaspoon and loaded it full of potatoes then flicked it at me, most of which landed in my hair and on my neck and shirt. She stood there trying to hide her snickers unsuccessfully and went back to mixing.

"That's it woman," I breathed out as I reached for the bowl of cranberry sauce. "This means war."

She hurriedly shut off the mixer, set it down and started backing away as her eyes went wide "NOOO Finn! You wouldn't dare!" she whisper-yelled at me.

"Wanna bet?" I said with a devilish glint in my eye as I fished out my weapon of choice from the utensil drawer. She ran around the other side of the counter and squealed "No Finn please! Your mom will be so mad at us!"

I teased back "Well, you shoulda thought about that before you got yourself into a tater war you can't win!" With my trusty weapon in hand, I scooped up a big heap of cranberry sauce on a large serving spoon and chased her around the counter until I had her cornered… this is where being so big and tall comes in handy. ;) I held the spoon of jiggling sauce over her head where she couldn't reach and just watched as it 'accidentally' dripped a red goopy waterfall in little wiggly blobs into her hair and onto her shoulders. Some of it slid down her bangs onto her nose and it just stuck there. She kinda looked like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It was so freakin' sweet I couldn't help laughing at the shocked look on her face, especially as her eyes crossed tryin' to see the glob stuck on her nose.

We stood there with our eyes locked on each other for a few beats. She looked so fucking adorable I just couldn't help myself. "You gotta a little something on your face there, Rudy," I said huskily in a low voice. I caged her in with my hands pressed on the counter on either side of her as I leaned down and kissed her nose to clean off the cranberry. Then I kissed the potatoes off her cheek. "Mmmm buttery," I said while licking my lips.

What I wasn't paying attention to though was how close to the buffet counter we were. Turns out Rachel is like a little Ninja; she can totally be all stealth-like when she wants to be. She'd grabbed a couple deviled eggs from the tray that was sitting on the counter behind her while I was kinda preoccupied 'cleaning' her face off. So when I pulled back to smile at her she reached both hands up and I thought she was gonna cup my cheeks, but instead she smashed the eggs she was palming in each hand against my mouth and cheek and smeared it all over my face for good measure.

She was so cute with the sweetest giggles that turned into little snorts of hysterical laughter. "Ohh… You're gonna pay for that," I said as I commenced a tickle battle - something I KNEW she was defenseless against!

"Fffiiiinn!" she squeaked "Finny please please no no! No more please! I'll pee and be humiliated! I yield, I YIELD!" By then I had her wrapped in a bear hug with squashed egg all over my face. Ok, no more mister nice guy. I just started kissing the hell out of her cheeks and chin and neck, anywhere I could find while rubbing my face against her making sure to get eggy goop all over her in the process. 'Course, I was also smearing cranberry all over myself but who cares?

The bubble burst and our little romantic impromptu food fight was interrupted however, as we heard Burt clear his throat behind us. "Ah, I think you two had better get this room – and yourselves – cleaned up PRONTO, before your mother comes in here and sees what a mess you're making of her kitchen."

We both jumped apart like we'd been electrocuted and Rachel turned about 6 shades of red, then she scurried off toward the hall bathroom to clean herself up, apologizing to Burt on the way. I started scooping up the bits of potatoes and eggs from the floor as Burt stood there with folded arms leaning against the doorway, looking at me with an ear to ear grin. "Smooth moves there, son. I thought Rachel was a vegan though?"

I chuckled nervously. "Well she is, but she always says a little bit of 'Finn-friendly' food won't hurt her, especially on special occasions."

When he thought I wasn't looking, he grabbed a fork and helped himself to a few bites of stuffing while I wiped up the remaining blobs of cranberry off the floor. "Uh-huh. So… you two done with this pause nonsense yet?"

I kinda shrugged. I sure wanna be. "It's Thanksgiving, Burt. I'm just… trying to have a good holiday, for both of us, y'know?"

"Yeah… Well you both looked pretty thankful to me… But your mother sure won't be if you don't get this kitchen back to spick and span by the time she gets back in here. I won't tell as long as you do a good job cleaning up."

I beamed a dimpled smile at him. "Thanks Burt… and I won't tell her you snuck some stuffing either." I winked at him. He smiled back as he shoveled another big fork full into his mouth and said "Deal."

. . . . .

I went down the hall to check on Rachel. I swear I heard her cussing or something, so I knocked on the door. "Rach, everything okay in there?"

She opened the door and I saw this very frustrated look on her face. Her hair was dripping wet in places and there was yellow egg and red cranberry splotches smeared on her now very wet cream colored blouse. "Um, no Finn. I think my shirt is ruined and my hair is a MESS… not to mention your mother will never let me back in this house when she finds out about this!"

I kinda winced and said "Oops.. sorry 'bout that babe. I'll buy you a new shirt." She smiled at me and I picked some mashed potatoes out of her hair that she hadn't found yet. "Meantime I can give you one of my shirts to wear. But don't worry about mom, she loves you to pieces. Besides, Burt promised to keep it quiet. And uh, there's a hairdryer in the drawer of the vanity. You can use my shampoo if you wanna wash your hair. Sorry 'bout the cranberry sauce," I snickered as I tucked her wet hair behind her ear.

"Finn Hudson you're lucky I love you!" She said it so easily, just like she's done a hundred times before, but as soon as the words came out she had this surprised look on her face like she hadn't meant to say them. She started to open her mouth to say something more, but before she could I grabbed her face and kissed her quick on the lips and said "Yeah, I am lucky like that, I s'pose… and I love you too, Rachel Berry. Happy Thanksgiving," I beamed a smile at her.

Just then I heard Burt answer the doorbell and a second later Allie's voice floated down the hallway. I saw the look on Rachel's face change quickly and I kinda felt my stomach crash into my butt. Uhh, yeah with the whole sexy food fight thing going on, I kinda forgot I'd invited her, oops.

"Uh, lemme get you that shirt Rach, be right back," and I rushed to my room. After fumbling through my drawers I finally found the blue McKinley Athletics shirt she wore as a cover up at the lake most of the summer. I took it to her and left her to finish cleaning up while I went out to greet Allie.

"Hey Alliecat, glad to see you made it! Happy Thanksgiving!" I smiled cheerfully as she handed me a plastic box.

"Happy Thanksgiving Huddy Buddy! Um.. you've got some, ah.. is that egg in your ear?" Oops.. guess I still need to clean up too.

"Uhh.. yeah, little kitchen mishap." I didn't miss the shit eating grin on Burt's face or the little snort sound he made. "I was about to go clean up. But hey, what's this in the box?"

She smiled with her sweet light-hearted laughter. "Kitchen mishap huh? I thought your mom banned you from ever cooking after you burned her favorite potholders by leaving them inside the oven? But okay… um, those are cinnamon sugar cookies I made yesterday. I know you said you like them so…"

By then I'd opened the box and saw a bunch of delicious smelling fancy looking leaves iced with all the pretty fall colors. I already had half of one in my mouth as she was explaining, then I said "WOW Allie these are great! Thanks for this, but you didn't have to!"

"It was my pleasure, Finn, and also you really shouldn't talk with your mouth full! You're such a GUY!" Then I heard an echo in my mind, a flashback to a certain tiny brunette saying those exact words to me as I chomped on HER super delicious sugar cookies… Why do I suddenly feel guilty? They're just cookies for crying out loud.

Right on queue, I heard her beautiful voice coming from behind me.

"Hello Allie, Happy Thanksgiving." When I turned to look at her, her now semi-dry hair was pulled up into a messy bun. She was wearing my shirt and her biggest brightest megawatt smile - her show smile. The fake smile fell a bit as she saw me standing there with the box in hand and another half a cookie hanging out of my mouth.

"What's this Finn?" she asked, looking between me and the box in my hand.

"Uh.. Allie made cookies, they're really good. Want one?" I said with a mouthful of half chewed cookie and a few crumbs kinda spittled out towards her.

Rach reached up and brushed a few crumbs from my face then looked at Allie. "How very thoughtful of you Allie! I didn't realize you also baked. I myself find baking very therapeutic and relaxing, and Finn has ALWAYS enjoyed the treats I make for him. He's got quite the sweet tooth you know, but I do my best to be sure he gets healthy snacks as often as possible. I'm sure his family will appreciate your efforts too though, they look lovely."

The words were complimentary enough to anyone else who didn't know her like I do, but I could totally hear the underlying tone and meaning in them. Rachel is NOT happy, even if she's forcing herself to sound polite. To me, it's coming out as overly sickeningly sweet and kinda sarcastic. Ugh… maybe this was a bad idea, having both of them here at the same time.

Rach took the box out of my hands as she said "Finny, you've already had a sweet snack earlier, and plenty of OTHER secret nibbles, don't spoil your appetite for dinner. I'll just set these in with the rest of the desserts while you go clean yourself up... Oh! You still have a little mashed potato here," she stood on her tippy toes to kiss my neck, "and it seems there's some egg in your ear too. Sorry about that," she smiled devilishly as those big beautiful coffee colored eyes peeked up at me from under her long fluttering eyelashes. I sorta glared at her with a knowing half smile. I knew exactly what she was doing… marking her territory. Okay, I guess I prob'ly woulda done the same thing if the roles were reversed. "Okay Rudolph," I said as I kissed her nose and went off to clean myself up, and I heard Burt coughing through a chuckle from his chair in front of the TV.

. . . . .

By the time the little red cork thingy was popping on the turkey, Rach and mom already had all the side dishes set out on the table. Everything looked and smelled fantastic. I had Rach sitting to my right and Allie on my left… UGH this was gonna be SO awkward, what the hell was I thinking?

Suddenly the back door slid open and Puck came bouncing through into the kitchen "Happy turkey day Hudson- Hummels!" He shouted.

Mom jumped up and ran over to him as he swept her up off the ground into a big bear hug "Hey Mama H squared" he said as he squeezed her tight.

She slapped him on the arm playfully and said "Noah put me down! Well it's so good to see you, I was starting to think you weren't gonna make it! How's your mom and sister?"

"They're great. Mom's in a kosher food coma right now, and I just dropped Hannah over at her friend's house. Sorry it took so long to get here… but hey, looks like I'm just in time for meal numero dos." He winked at her with an innocent smile.

Of course he is. Puck has done this every year for like the last five – he knows exactly what time to show up to get his second Thanksgiving dinner of the night. Mom sat him down on the other side of Allie and as Burt stood up to say grace we all took hands. I sorta had another flashback while holding Rach's and Allie's hands… This one was from the song we did for Quinn when the news of her pregnancy went public at school, where I held Rach's and Quinn's hands at the same time. Of course, I was dating Quinn at the time while falling in love with Rachel. GAAAH why is this so weird? Allie is my FRIEND. And Rachel is my… my Rach. I just need to get outta my head and stop thinking so much. Finally I heard Burt clap and say "Okay folks, DIG IN!" and snapped me outta my stress ball brain.

When dinner was over, Rachel jumped up to help mom clear the table. Allie offered to help and Rachel said "that's okay, Allie, so kind of you to offer but Carole and I have it covered. You and the boys should go relax for a bit, let your meal settle. Finny, why don't you guys head out to the back porch? You and Noah could toss the football around if you want. I'll bring some dessert out for everyone and join you in a moment."

Puck raised an eyebrow at me and elbowed me, "yeah FINNY, let's go toss the football!" he mocked in a high pitched girly voice. I punched him in the shoulder and then looked to Allie "you up for a little game of flag football?" She smiled wide and said "sure, just let me grab my jacket!" Burt chimed in "I'm coming too, but I'm on your team this time Finn… Puckerman sucks as captain!"

Uh-oh. Somehow I smell disaster headed this way. Yeah.. ahh. Rachel seems very umm, what's the word… domino.. dominant.. no.., DOMESTICATED tonight. Like she's being kinda possessive and wifey-like. On one hand, it's kinda awesome and HOT. On the other hand, I think she's being totally jealous that Allie is here. Either way it's definitely not normal Rachel. It might mean we're on the verge of crazy Rachel making an appearance… I really hope not. I don't want this to create problems for later, but somehow I don't think I'm gonna be that lucky. Rach practically had her fangs out when she saw Allie's cookies (hanging out of MY mouth – and hey I meant that literally too, you perves!). But y'know, I can only HOPE that since we had our talk last week, Rach will ease up and back off a little… we'll see I s'pose?

After almost twenty minutes of play, I noticed mom and Rach come out to the back porch carrying the desserts along with some plates. The game was tied already. Burt had lost one of his flags but that's ok. Puck has the ball right now and Burt's hot on his heels. First he faked a throw then pivoted and Burt missed him, but I was watching Allie get close to scoring range so I faked my own pivot just as Puck snapped the ball to Allie. Yeah, predictable. I saw the move coming because Puck really isn't that original, and I easily blocked Allie from scoring. I had a hand on her flag and nearly had it pulled but she tried to do her own pivot and somehow she tripped. I already had my arm half way around her trying to take her flag, so when she fell I ended up catching her – kind of an automatic protective reflex I guess – and we rolled to the ground together. She ended up underneath me and we were both laughing, but she still had the ball and I had her flag completely detached from her and wrapped around my arm. Burt called it a down and Puck tried to argue against the play, so we asked mom to judge. She said she wasn't paying attention then Rachel spoke up "It looked like a clean capture to me Finn." Allie looked up at me and called out "No way, cheater! I tripped!" and Puck backed Allie's argument. We decided to re-do the play but when I went to help Allie up from the ground I noticed she'd scraped her hand pretty good in the fall and it was bleeding.

"Timeout! Al, you got hurt." I was looking at her hand, holding it in mine and then I heard a crash of glass breaking. I looked up and realized Rach must have dropped a glass on the porch.

"Oh my gosh Carole I'm so sorry!" she sounded nearly in tears.

"Don't worry about it at all, sweetheart, it was an accident. Burt honey, come help clean this up please?" Mom called over.

Then I looked up and Rachel was walking toward me and Allie in the yard. "Let me have a look, Finn. Oh yes, this is in need of some proper cleaning and TLC. It doesn't appear to need stitches but you wouldn't want this to get infected. Finn, I'll take care of it. Allie come with me," she said as she tugged a shocked looking Allie back toward the house.

"Carole, is the first aid kit still in the hall closet?" I heard Rach ask mom.

"Yes dear, but I moved it to the bottom shelf, you should see it there beside the extra bed linens."

Then the girls disappeared into the house. I went over to see if Burt needed any help and Puck decided to go stuff his face with pumpkin pie. Burt already had the pile of glass scooped onto some newspaper and was headed for the trash when mom pulled me to the side.

"Finn, are you having dessert? This pecan pie Rachel brought looks to die for."

"Yeah mom, it really is – I've had Rach's pecan pie before. Thanks, and don't be shy with the slice!" I said as I handed her my plate. She was concentrating on cutting me a large piece and then she launched back into voodoo-mom mode.

"So… Allie seems like a nice girl….. How are things with you and Rachel?"

"Moooom… please don't do that thing now."

"What thing Finn?" she was making her pretend confused face at me. Nice touch.

"That thing you do where you make me tell you all my secrets whether I want to or not."

She burst out laughing and said "Finn I don't have a clue what you're talking about! I'm just asking how you're doing, and how things are with Rachel.. You two seem to be getting along very well tonight. Even though you seem to have an excess number of girls visiting this evening."

And there it is. The judgy voodoo mom is hot on my trail now. CRAP. "Mom, Allie's just a friend.. I'm pretty sure we already covered this like two weeks ago, y'know, the last time you asked about her."

"Uh-huh. Does Rachel know all of this?"

"Of course she does. Me and Rach have been talking too."

"Oh you have? Have you worked things out then?"

"Well, we're getting there. I mean, yeah, we still care about each other, and we're obviously still friends. You already know how I feel about her.. But like seriously, do we really have to do this now, while they're both here?"

"Okay okay, I'm just making sure you're not playing one against the other, trying to make Rachel jealous or to punish her somehow. I won't have you treating girls that way Finn, especially not in my home."

"MOM, no way! Why on earth would you think I'd do something like that? Of course I wouldn't! Allie just needed a friend and doesn't have family other than her grandparents here, so I invited her to dinner because we're friends. FRIENDS. And Rach.. well, she's my Rach, mom. You already know… and I'd never play games like that with her, or anyone." Geez… always with the accusations around here?!

"Alright Finny, I believe you." she paused a moment then said "I'm just a tad concerned about Rachel tonight."

"Why?" I asked with a big mouthful of pie – and gawwwd was it delicious! "What's wrong with Rach?"

"Oh I don't know, it's probably nothing, just… She seems a bit on edge tonight. It's probably not my place to say anything though."

"No, say what you want, mom. Did Rach say something to you?"

"Not directly, no… but she was on the verge of being teary eyed asking me questions about you and Allie. How often she's been here, the sorts of things you two do…"

"And what did you tell her?"

"Well I asked her if she'd asked you those questions. She said she had and that you'd told her how you spend your time together."

"Okay.. but?"

"Oh Finn. That girl is in so much pain, and she's so in love with you. And from what you've told me, you feel the same way about her. So I'm just wondering where Allie fits into this whole thing?"

"Allie is in glee with both of us mom. She's my friend, like, do I need to have a t-shirt made or something to explain this?"

"Watch it mister, no need to get fresh with me." She gave me the stern mom face.

"Sorry, it's just.. I feel like I keep having to repeat myself a LOT on this subject. Like, to EVERYONE."

"Well maybe that should be your first clue, Finn."

"Clue about what?"

She peeked up at me a few times with those, like, x-ray mom eyes. "You haven't paid any mind to how Allie looks at you, have you?"

"What do you mean?" Mom is starting to sound like Rachel. What's with all these women? Can't a dude and a chick be friends without having the Spanish Influenza thrown at them about their relationship?

"Oh Finn.. you're painting yourself into a corner here, sweet clueless son of mine. You really can't have two girls this close to you and think there WON'T be a problem over it at some point."

"Are you trying to say that Allie has some kind of feelings for me, like more than friends? Because mom, she knows all about me and Rach, I've told her from day one, exactly to avoid the kind of problems you're talking about."

"That may well be true honey, but things don't always go according to plan. People can't always help how they feel. And you really have spent quite a lot of alone time with this girl, who, from what you've told me really doesn't know anyone else here and seems like YOU are her only friend. Just… maybe talk to her, make sure you're both on the same page, okay?"

Um. Wait, is she saying Allie could actually maybe like me like me, even if I've been crystal clear that I'm only looking for friendship because I love Rach? Naaahh, Allie's not like that. I don't think so… but what if I'm wrong? Maybe I'm missing the signs? "Okay… yeah, I guess we haven't talked about her feelings very much. So I guess maybe you have a point. I just don't see her that way y'know? And she's never said anything to me."

"I'm sure you don't, sweetie. You have Rachel-colored blinders on, and I know how you are… you only ever have eyes for one girl at a time.. Especially if that girl is named Rachel Berry. So.. Do you think you two are going to end this separation, or have you decided that yet?"

"Almost. I mean, I really want to, mom. It's complicated though. We… well, mostly I still have something to work past first."

"Well I'm sure you'll know what's best for you.. And you know I'm still always here if you want to talk about it."

"Yeah I know. Thanks mom. Maybe I should go check on the girls, see what's taking so long. That cut wasn't that bad."

. . . . .

I headed into the house and made my way back to the hall bathroom, but the door was open and the room empty. I looked around and couldn't find Allie or Rach anywhere, but I found my phone on the table with a flashing message light. Allie had texted me.

AD::Thx for inviting me Finn, had a great time. Sry had 2go ttyl ::

She left? Why? And where the hell is Rachel?

"Rach?" I called out as I looked in all the other rooms on the main floor, but no reply. I opened the door to my room downstairs and noticed the light was on. I called down again but she didn't answer so I went down to check for myself and found her there, curled in a little ball in the middle of my bed, crying.

"Rachel? Hey… What's wrong?" I sat down next to her, and she still wouldn't answer. I started rubbing her back and tried to comfort her, but mostly I needed her to tell me what the hell happened. She finally sat up and wiped her tears away and started to calm down.

"I'm sorry Finn. I think I messed up again, and now you're going to be upset with me again, so I might as well go home now. I can call my dads for a ride if–"

"Stop, Rach just stop, okay. No more running away. Just.. Talk to me please? Why do you think you messed up? Does this have something to do with why Allie left already without even saying goodbye?" She snapped her eyes to mine with the guiltiest look on her face, then nodded yes and pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face in them. "C'mon Rach… just tell me what happened. You know I can ask Allie, but I want you to tell me."

"Okay Finn… but I swear I wasn't trying to make her leave, I just… Well I was watching you playing your flag game and when I saw you chasing her and the way you caught her when she fell, and then you were holding her hand… I just, I saw the way she was looking at you. The whole time you were playing, she was watching you with those… flirty eyes. She likes you Finn. And I.. well I'm sorry but I may have said some things to her that possibly called her out on it."

"You may have said or you actually DID say?"

"Okay yes… I did say."

Crap. "What does that even mean, she had flirty eyes watching me? Are you… Rach I think you're just being jealous and–"

"NO FInn, it's not just jealousy! I didn't imagine it and I know what I saw. She might be playing nice with you right now but I'm telling you, she feels something more than just friendship for you… of course, who wouldn't? You're so… you."

"Rachel what exactly did you say to her?"

"I.. I told her that she doesn't stand a chance with you, that you and I have a deep history that isn't just going away."

Okay, that's all probably true enough and not that bad… but there's gotta be more. "And..?"

"And.. I told her baking for you was MY thing and if she thinks it'll score her points she's wrong…"

"And..?"

"And.. I told her she should stop throwing herself at you like a little harlot."

"Rachel?! She's not a.. That's just mean! And she hasn't been throwing herself at me.. Why would you say that to her?"

"I know I know, I .. it just came out.. The green eyed monster took over and once I was talking I couldn't stop. I'm sorry.. And now you hate me."

"Of course I don't hate you, Rach, but.. Geez! Didn't anything I said last week sink into your beautiful stubborn head? I'm not interested in Allie like that. You don't need to feel threatened.. So it's like, here we are back at square one, right?"

"Finn I promise it's not you I don't believe, it's not you I don't trust.. It's her! And you obviously can't see what she's doing, you like to see the good in people and believe they're being honest… not that you're naive.. That's usually my problem, but THIS situation, I can see it clearly. Maybe more clearly than you can. If you don't want to see me anymore I'll understand, I broke another promise I guess…"

"Rachel, stop. I'm.. I'm disappointed, yeah. But I also think you're wrong about Allie. I think you're seeing it through the eyes of the jealous girlfriend – which is the same person who greeted Allie at the door tonight and had to put on a hell of a show for her. Kissing the potatoes off my neck? Snatching the cookies away like you did? C'mon Rach, you've had it out for her all night from the minute she arrived."

"Okay, maybe… Well.. I mean, you and I were just having so much fun and things felt so back to normal for a minute that I'd hoped, maybe they were, or could be.. that we were just so close to moving past our issues. But then she came in and interrupted things."

"Okay Rach. I get it.. Yeah we.. I felt like things were back to normal between us tonight too. For the first time in a long time. That wasn't a fluke or anything. Everything felt really good – perfect, even – with you here today. But.. I asked you not to interfere with Allie like this. And she left in a hurry with a text message saying goodbye, which… I'm just really disappointed, Rach. I wanted you two to try to be friends. But I know I can't force it. Just like you can't force me NOT to be her friend. So I'm gonna have to talk to Allie myself and try to sort things out."

"Wh-where does that leave us, Finn?"

"If I'm being totally honest, Rach, I don't know." she looked at me as the tears started filling her eyes again. "Hey, I know that I love you. And… I'm trying so hard to be ready to move on from all this drama and just be US again.. Just. I need a little more time I think. And I need to talk to Allie."

"What the hell does ALLIE have to do with us, Finn?!" WHOA Rachel is cussing at me? That's new.. "Okay I took responsibility for how I hurt you, I took responsibility for my mistakes and insecurities and I've been trying so hard to please you and better myself for you.. But you're making it VERY hard while you're flaunting this floozy in front of me, and asking me to just accept it as a friendship and nothing more, when I can clearly see she feels so much more for you, whether you believe me or not! It's like you don't trust or believe in ME this time, and you're certainly being careless with MY heart right now Finn! Shouldn't my feelings matter more to you?!"

"Well.. yeah they do, of course they do Rach, but don't go throwing this crap at me about not caring about your feelings, or being careless with your heart! I just don't think you're the best judge of how Allie feels about anything.. And she's NOT a floozy and I'm not flaunting her at you! You've had a problem with me being her friend from the very start and it's obviously not going away, so once again, YOU aren't trusting me enough to have a plutonium relationship!"

"The word is platonic Finn."

"Yeah whatever, you know what I meant.. It's still back to you not trusting me, just like always… I love you Rachel, but dammit when are things gonna change?!"

"Well. Perhaps you're right Finn. Perhaps they won't ever change. Perhaps we're just too different, or not compatible enough, or we've hurt each other too many times now and all we're ever going to do is be stuck in this endless loop of not trusting each other enough. So maybe I should just go now.. I'll call my dad for a ride."

And she stormed up the stairs and locked herself in the bathroom. What the fuck? What the actual hell just happened here tonight? Everything was fine, better than fine.. And then suddenly it wasn't. All this crap stirred up because Allie came to dinner? I don't understand… I guess I need to talk to Al first and then.. Then I guess deal with the Rachel Berry storm out later. I can fix that, I think. I just hope Allie doesn't hate me now, 'cause I really don't need TWO chick-batty crazy women to work things out with. UGHHH!

. . . . .

"Hey Finnessa, Kurt and his Warbler just got back… but what happened, you run all the chicks off or what?"

"Not now Puck." Great. Just what I need to round out this perfectly horrible end of the evening: pearls of wisdom from Noah fucking Puckerman, womanizing sex shark. So much for making great holiday memories today.

"Seriously bro, I fully expected to find you and Berry down here making out or some shit.. And where'd Allie McBeal disappear to anyway? Y'know, I was just starting to like talking to her… She's pretty cool, dude. I can see why you two have been so.. friendly."

"Shut it, Puck! I said not now!" Gaaah! The last thing I need is the 'sex shark' chasing after Allie, like I don't have enough crap on my plate to sort out just with Rachel, and now trying to smooth over this junk with her blowing up on Allie and hoping I didn't lose a friend.

"Fine.. but at least tell me what happened?"

"Shit man I don't even know. Rach went all fatal attraction being jealous I think and blew up at Allie. So Allie just took off, then me and Rach kinda had another fight and SHE took off too."

Puck started laughing at me. "What the hell Puckerman. I thought you were gonna say something all shockingly wise and like, be my wingman, have my back.. But thanks for laughing at me instead?"

"Sorry man, but how can I not laugh? Dude, you're a fucking mess. I warned you a long time ago that Berry can't deal with outside threats – especially that red-headed one. Then you went and brought BOTH OF THEM here tonight? Smooth move Ex-Lax!"

"I just don't see why that shoulda been a problem though? I told Rachel I invited her up front, and she called me chivalrous. She didn't object one little bit… so how could I know this was gonna be a problem?"

"You're an idiot man. OF COURSE SHE WOULDN'T OBJECT! You two have been hanging on by a thread for weeks in this PAUSE limbo state, and she just wants you back, like full time Finchel and shit. Why would she complain about you wanting to invite someone you keep insisting is just a friend. But c'mon man, you HAD to know she'd have feelings about it, or be hurt by it. You're just being a dumbass.. Sorry bro, I gotta call it like I see it."

"Hey that's not fair man… Allie IS just a friend, and Rachel needs to learn to trust me. Like REALLY trust me. That's kinda what kicked off all the problems we're having right now."

"BULLSHIT Finn. Your problems started because your Berry Pie is totally insecure and she saw you kissing another chick, true, but then she ran off and kissed HER McDouchey EX. You can't seem to get over her reacting to something she saw YOU doing… to be honest I don't know which one of you two is more insecure than the other!"

"What the hell are you talking about man?"

"I'm talking about YOU not being able to just forgive her over the McDouche McKiss. THAT is why you're not all Finchel-ing each other right this very moment. Unless, maybe… you have like, secret subconscious feelings for Big Red… which, I'd totally understand that too–"

"FUCK OFF PUCK! No I don't have secret sub.. anything feelings for Allie. I love Rachel okay? Do I need to write it in blood or something?!"

"Okay okay," he threw up his hands in surrender, "Hey man it ain't me you need to convince! I'm not even sure what these chicks see in your pasty white ass but whatever floats their boat. You just really need to forgive Rachel already. You keep saying you love her, but you're all up in your head about trust – you've BOTH screwed the pooch more than once, and you'll probably do it again because that's life. So fuckin' what though, man? As long as you love each other and don't lie to each other, you should be working your shit out together. But like I told you weeks ago, running 'round with Red and your head buried in the sand is NOT gonna re-populate your Berry-less bed. If you really love her and you wanna fix it, then fucking FIX IT already!"

Dammit! Why is it always Puck telling me this shit? He's not right… he can't be. Can he? Well, maybe he has a point about Rach not complaining about Allie coming to dinner, and yeah I guess I can understand her being hurt over that. Especially after things were really going so good with us before Allie got here. But the idea that everyone seems to have all of a sudden that Allie and me are anything other than friends, or that Allie likes me that way, it's just crap. Allie's cool. She likes the same stuff I like, we have a lot in common, she laughs at all my corny jokes, she listens to my Rachel problems, she… aw shit. Maybe she's just been pretending to like the things I do? Maybe she really DOES have feelings for me? Well this is just great. Another girl I get to feel all awkward around because of feelings and weird relationship stuff.

And then there's the whole Rachel side of this. She's really pissed. I've never heard her swear at me before. Or at all ever. Crap.. maybe I really did hurt her again, even though I totally didn't mean to and didn't realize I did. But first mom, then Rach, then Puck… I mean, it must look bad if everyone is talking about it, right? CRAP. I need to fix this with Rachel.

. . . . .

THE AFTERMATH… & A WHOLE NEW NIGHTMARE.

Since we had this nice long four day holiday break, I figured I had plenty of time to smooth things over with Rachel. I texted her before I went to bed. She didn't answer last night. I tried again this morning, still no reply. So I tried calling her but got her voicemail. Six times. What the hell? I know she's home... She told me her dads were going out of town for work and were supposed to have left on the red-eye last night, so she has to be there… right? But they picked her up from my house last night.. SHIT what if she went away with them?

This is getting ridiculous now. Rachel never EVER ignores me. Maybe her phone is dead? I don't think she left it here, she called her dad so.. Maybe she lost it. Or left it in their car when they left for their trip. Or.. well, she was home alone.. Oh god, what if something bad happened? What if she had a burglar or something? SHIT. I'm heading over there. I'm not leaving til I know she's okay.

. . . . .

I pulled into the driveway and everything looked normal, no busted doors or windows. No cars either. Dads are definitely gone. Okay Hudson, just suck it up, go ring the bell.

Okay… maybe she didn't hear it, so I rang it again. And again. I tried her phone again. Still voicemail. Text, no reply.

I'm starting to panic now. I started banging on the door. "Rachel?! It's Finn, Rach are you in there?" Mrs. Meyers was out getting her mail and gave me a funny look. I probably could ask her if she knew if Rachel was home but she doesn't like me since I accidentally ran over her azalea bush (hey it was icy that day, and plus Rachel was kissing my neck, it totally wasn't my fault!).

So I kept knocking and ringing and dialing and NOTHING. Finally I remembered the spare key in the flower bed… crap. There's a key in here but dammit if I can't remember exactly WHERE. Is it wrong to just use it though? Well, she let me use it before… and what a great night THAT was, like, every time! Ok no.. no time for those thoughts right now.. FOCUS HUDSON! Rach could have fallen in the shower and split her head open and is bleeding to death right now! I need to know she's safe.. Where's that damn key? Not this rock, not that rock.. AHA! The one with the fake squirrel sitting on top! DUH!

I unlocked the door and slowly went in, but still no signs of her.

"Rachel? Rach, baby.. It's me, it's Finn… are you home? Please answer me, are you okay?"

Nobody's around on this floor. No choice, gotta go check her room. I get halfway up the stairs and I hear it.. She's listening to 'Faithfully' from Regionals last year. Shit. She's here… and so, what, she's ignoring me? Unless she fell and is bleeding to death in her bathtub with the music on and she can't hear the phone. Dammit!

I knocked on her door but no answer. Well, here goes nothing… it's not locked.

I peek inside and see her lying face down on her bed with her head under her pillows. I can't tell if she's awake, but I don't want to scare her. "Rach?" I went over and turned off the iPod. THAT finally got her attention. She shot up like a rocket and screamed – oops, so much for not scaring her!

"Oh my god Finn what are you doing here?! In my house! How did you get in?"

"Sorry Rach but you weren't answering your phone or your door and I.. I panicked. I thought maybe you were like bleeding to death, or-or kidnapped.. or something, I had to be sure you were ok. I used the spare key."

"Kidnapped, Finn? Seriously?"

"Hey it could happen! I've watched Discovery Channel, there's loads of stories like that!"

Now she's sitting here with a red face, arms folded and scowling at me. I also didn't miss the fact that she is not making eye contact with me. "Well as you can plainly see – as I am presuming your EYES are still functioning properly – I'm perfectly FINE, not BLEEDING and oh my god not KIDNAPPED! Now you can please leave, lock the door on your way out and put the key back where you found it!"

"Rachel… look I just wanted to apologize for yester–"

"REALLY, FINN HUDSON?! NOW? Now is when you want to apologize? Well why don't you go find ALLISON and apologize to her? Or maybe you already did that FIRST because god knows, HER feelings matter SO MUCH to you! Either way, I'm sure you two will be VERY happy together.. so just GO! You have some nerve, telling me you love me and then putting HER feelings before mine… I let you do it to me with Quinn last year - MORE THAN ONCE, and again when you needed to find you DAMN INNER ROCK STAR and going on a triple date with Brittany and Santana.. Well NO MORE! I am not a doormat Finn! You can't have it your way anymore! You wonder why I feel so insecure and have TRUST issues? Well TAKE A LOOK IN THE DAMN MIRROR! I refuse to let you hurt me anymore.. I just need you to leave. I just—"

I cut off her ranting with a hard, passionate kiss. She sorta resisted at first, then she wasn't kissing me back, but then she was… and then she suddenly pulled back and SLAPPED ME in the face!

Shit. Now she's really angry… and crying. "NO! No Finn! You can't just KISS me to shut me up anymore! I'm mad at you, I'm hurt and.. You're not being fair!"

"Rach I'm sorry okay? I'm sooo sorry about even inviting Allie, it was a mistake. I just wanted to–"

"Yes, yes, I know. You wanted to be the nice guy, the good friend, to ALLIE. But not to ME! So.. so just go find her Finn. Go enjoy your precious new best friend. It's pretty obvious I can't compete with a girl who loves all the same things you do and who you seem to prefer spending all your free time with anyway, so just GO! Be with her!"

"Hey that's not true at all Rachel, I do not prefer to be with her over you. I - I just.."

"You-you just what? What is it you're doing with her, Finn? Basketball? A movie? Video games? Well whatever it is, it's stuff you are NOT doing with me, even though we USED to do most of that stuff together. I'm tired of trying to compete when you've clearly made a choice and you can't even be honest about it. So now I'm doing you a favor, I'm setting you free… so just GOOOO!"

So then she threw Miss Pinky Bear at me hitting me in the face. Next she reached for the TV remote control and I ducked that one. The next one coming was the damn wooden picture frame of us on her bedside table and I made it out of the room just as it was hitting the wall out in the hallway. WHOA.. She's HELLA strong and has a deadly accurate arm when she's this mad!

Fuck… I think I really screwed up here. Maybe I've lost her altogether? No that just can't be the case, but… she's NEVER used all that kinda language before. And she was totally ignoring me the whole time when I was calling and texting, which she's also never done before. What am I gonna do?

. . . . .

I turned the corner out of the locker room after my workout in the weight room and almost walked smack into Tina. She was hanging posters with Mike for a school dance two weeks from now. Tina was already making her way down the hall to the next spot she wanted to hang a poster as Mike gathered up the step ladder and he turned to me and whispered "I hope things with you and Rachel are back to normal soon, otherwise, good luck surviving the next couple weeks." He slapped me on the back and I crinkled my face in confusion not understanding what he meant, until he pointed to the poster.

'Girls, Get Your Guys Early for McKinley's Sadie Hawkins Dance!'

Uhhh… what now? Oh… this is that chick dance where the girls are supposed to be like the dudes and are the ones to ask the guy out. Which is weird. But wait… maybe.. maybe Rach will ask me to go? Pffft. At this point, I doubt it.

She's still not answering my calls or texts and it's been like four days since I was at her house and the last time she talked to me at all. She's not talking to me in school either, and it's not like I haven't tried.. She just walks super fast in the other direction when she sees me coming. But I'd almost forgotten Hanukkah was starting tomorrow night, so she prob'ly has things going on at home. And yeah, she's still pissed at me, so there's that. I finally decided to just give her some space and time to cool off. Maybe this whole mess just needs time to blow over.

I did talk to Allie on Sunday – she called me. I'd thought about calling her all weekend, but after stewing on everything Rachel said last Friday, I ended up spending most of the weekend thinking and not being sure WHAT to say or do. By the time Allie called, I decided Rachel was probably right to feel so hurt, and the fact that I haven't been spending as much time with her as I was with Allie wasn't helping to get back to being US again.

Allie apologized for ghosting out of my house, said she knew Rachel was unhappy with her being there and she didn't wanna be in the way, so she just decided to go that night. I think there was more to it than that, but she sounded a little off… like, not her usual carefree bubbly self. Anyway, she said she felt bad about upsetting Rach and hoped me and her could still be friends. I said we could, but that we maybe needed to just be friends mostly at school for now, that I needed time to really try to work on me and Rach. She said she understood but I heard sadness in her voice. Then I just flat out asked her if she was okay with just being friends or whether she might have any feelings for me more than that. She said I was being silly, but it came out all weird and nervous sounding… I don't know. Did she sound weird because it was a weird question and an awkward thing to talk about, or because she didn't wanna admit that she DOES have feelings for me? I can't figure out these crazy girls, so I just quit thinking about it so much. I need to focus on Rachel now.

. . . . .

On Wednesday Rachel left school early. Kurt said she had a doctor's appointment, just an annual checkup nothing was wrong or whatever, which I was relieved to hear. But this meant no Rachel at lunch. That's when Allie cornered me to ask about the dance.

"So Huddy Buddy, are you going?"

"Uh.. I'm not sure yet."

"Oh, has Rachel not asked you to go? I thought for sure she would have by now."

"Well, no, but that woulda been hard to do considering she's still not even talking to me right now."

"She's not? Oh. I.. I hope that isn't because of me, or Thanksgiving.."

"No, Allie don't worry about it. It's because of me. I messed up."

"Well, have you tried to fix it?"

"I've been trying… Rach just needs time to cool off, so I'm waiting til she's less likely to throw things at me before I try again."

"Oh.. she does that?" I nodded. "Wow.. ok well, anyway… I just.. I just thought maybe if neither of us had a date for the dance… maybe we could go together – just as friends."

OH CRAP. That's probably the LAST thing I should be considering right now… but at the same time, Allie is still my friend, and if Rachel is going to continue being unreasonably SILENT and refuse to speak to me ever again, well, maybe I should think about going with Allie. But what if Rach DOES end up asking me to go to the dance? I mean, it's a DANCE, girls LIVE for this stuff, don't they? It's not like Rachel would ask anyone else to go, would she? Well no, I mean, who would she even ask? And anyway, we didn't officially break up.. or did we? She said she was 'setting me free' to be with Allie – which I don't want, and anyway what did that mean? Was that her breaking up with me AGAIN? But she didn't say those words… so…

"Uh.. well, I don't know if that'd be such a good idea, Allie. I mean, you know things are complicated with me and Rachel but I really do wanna work things out with her." She nodded in understanding but looked kinda sad, too.. Dammit. I hate when they get that LOOK, like I ran over their puppy or something. "How about this… I'll think about it. We have another week before the dance. I'm hoping Rach will be talking to me before then, but even if she does, it might not be good talking. So let's just see how things play out and I'll let you know." She seemed okay with that answer.. I think?

. . . . .

I'M PUTTING ON A YARMULKE, IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE HANUKKAH!

OH YEAH that's right – Hanukkah starts TOMORROW! I just had a great idea to show Rachel that I have NOT given her up, not for Allie, not for anyone… If this pause (and I guess my own stupidity) wasn't getting in our way, we woulda been spending our first Hanukkah together this year. Rach had already told me about the holiday and the fedora.. No that's wrong umm... mmm.. menorah thingy, and how they light a candle every night.. but they also exchange gifts! So, I'm gonna take a gift to Rachel every night of Hanukkah! Even if we're not celebrating it together I want her to know it matters to me, that she matters to me, and that I'm thinking of her. This idea is so boss and so cool that she just HAS to talk to me again soon!

So first, I had to google how many days is this gift giving stuff, and WHOA it's EIGHT days? That's a hella lot of presents! Well, I did save all my summer grass cutting money and plus, Burt started letting me work a few hours at the tire shop on weekends sometimes, so I have that saved too. No better time than the present (see what I did there?) to break open the piggy bank (well, 'cept mine's actually a football not a real piggy). Anyway. I asked Puck what kinda presents people give for Hanukkah and he said it didn't matter as long as it was personal. COOL. I totally got this.

So I sat down and thought about what things would be personal for Rachel and made a pretty awesome list. Then I went to the mall and was super happy to find exactly everything I was looking for – and I was lucky enough to find some pretty cool star-covered holiday wrapping paper too. I also managed to find the PERFECT gifts for Rach's birthday and for Christmas too. She's gonna be SO surprised! I can't wait to see her face… and then there's just no way she won't warm up and end this stupid freeze out of no talking to your own BOYFRIEND crap! (Because yeah, I decided no matter what, I AM still her boyfriend!)

So the first night's present was sort of a combo pack of sparkly pens, gold star stickers (cuz she can never have enough of those) and a new pink journal. I wrapped everything carefully (only got one papercut) and tied it together with gold curly ribbons and made my way to Rachel's house. When I rang the bell her papa Hiram answered – but he said Rachel wouldn't come to the door. She didn't wanna see me. Yeah, big surprise, but of course I sorta expected it. So I explained that I had this gift for her and asked him to at least give it to her for me, which he agreed to do.

And then silence. No calls or texts or anything from Rachel. That's ok, I was not surprised. So the next night I tried again, this time with these really cool headbands I found. It was a pack of 3, one silver, one gold, and one shiny pink one that looked kinda like a metallic rainbow in the right lighting. And again, papa Hiram said she wouldn't see me, so I gave him the gift. More silence. Okay.. so far it's like stationary and headbands, nothing too fancy or personal yet.

But my next gift was a little more intimate, so I really hoped she'd reach out to me when she got it. I found some white knee-high socks with little gold stars all over them. Once again, my trip to her house ended in me handing her dad my gift and saying good night. He started to look awfully sympathetic and kinda sad when he opened the door, but it's okay. Rachel is hard-core stubborn sometimes, especially when she's super mad – like she apparently IS at me right now.

But I guess cool star socks were still not personal enough to get her to break the silence, because all I got on my phone was a sales call from a long distance company asking if I was happy with my current provider. GO AWAY creepy sales people, I'm trying to fix things with my girl!

The next gift I was sure to NOT see her open was a vegan cookbook. And this time papa Hiram was waiting at the door when I pulled in the driveway. He came outside to talk to me. He asked if I was gonna do this every night of Hanukkah and I said of course, that's the rules isn't it?

He smiled kindly and put a hand on my shoulder and said "Son, her father and I are very touched and very proud of you for making this effort for our Little Star, but whatever you've done to step in it this time must have been pretty big because she said she doesn't care how many presents you bring her, she does not want to see you. Between you and me though? I think it's working… so don't give up." He winked at me, took the gift, shook my hand and wished me a Happy Hanukkah.

The next three nights I didn't bother staying around to see her dad. I left the gift against the door, rang the bell and took off. Night 5 was a stuffed monkey wearing an 'I love you' t-shirt. Night 6 was a new cream colored blouse to replace the food fight one that got ruined on Thanksgiving (along with a note that was my IOU voucher). And night 7 was one I hoped would get her to finally break her, like, monk's vow of silence: a framed copy of the sheet music to Faithfully. I also added another note in this one that said 'Rach, I'll wait as long as it takes. Forever Yours, Finn.' And still again, NOTHING BUT CRICKETS! She's still avoiding me at school too. DAMMIT she's stubborn!

Well. The 8th and final night I pulled out the stops – and the biggest chunk of my savings. This was actually HALF of her birthday gift, which is coming up in another 10 days. Tonight's gift is a really pretty star bracelet and as soon as I saw it I thought of her. I didn't write a note this time, but I included a yellow rose with the gift (I really hope they got the flower inside before it froze on the porch, since it was snowing).

I went home as usual, had my warm milk chat session with Kurt as usual, and then went to bed expecting to toss and turn and be tormented by more crazy bad dreams… but then I heard the little twinkle chime on my phone go off. It was a text from Rachel that simply said 'Happy Hanukkah Finn, thank you.' SCORE! Five little words was all I needed to have hope, to know that she was finally starting to drop the veil. I still have a chance to work things out with her!

. . . . .

This is just making me crazy now. It's 3 days until the dance. Not only has Rach not asked me to go, but she also still hasn't talked to me at all. It's STILL a total Rachel Berry freeze out, and I just don't know what to do about it. I did tell Allie today that if she wanted to find another date for the dance she should ask someone, that I wasn't sure I was even going at all now, and that I'm too depressed over this silence from Rachel. She said she could always ask this dude Justin from her art class, so I think that's what she's going to do. Or maybe did, not sure and honestly, don't really care.

I finally decided I had no choice but to break the 'RBB bro code' that Kurt put in place (the rule that says I'm not supposed to ask him stuff about Rachel just because she isn't talking to me). But dammit I need to know what she's doing! So I asked Kurt if he knew whether Rachel was going to the dance. He huffed a little in his annoying Kurt-ly way and finally admitted that he, Mercedes and Rachel were going as a group together. I guess Blaine (Kurt's umm, boyfriend? I think he is anyway?) has mono or something so he can't go, and none of them had dates so they decided to go together. (Oh yeah I should explain.. Blaine's from another all-boys school, Dalton Academy, and he also sings for their show choir the Warblers.. Great, we're partying with the enemy again! Just hope he doesn't turn out to be another SPY!)

Well that's cool.. So Rachel IS going but does NOT have a date. Then again, it's NOT cool because I should be her date, but whatever. Anyway. I tried to slip in another question as to whether she was ever going to speak to me again and I got thrown out of his room and the door slammed in my face. NOT COOL, KURT!

Then Mr. Schue sprang it on us at the very last minute, Figgins wants New Directions to sing at this stupid dance so now it's become MANDATORY that we attend.. Like what? What if I just wanted to skip it? Well, to be honest I think I'd rather be there as Rach's not-date to be able to keep an eye on her instead of sitting at home wondering what asshole is trying to make out with her when I'm not around. Like a certain McDouche, who, I don't know whether he's gonna be there or not. Oh shit, please say he's NOT gonna be there! If he finds out she's there without a date, he'll be like, all over her!

WAIT. So we're gonna be singing at this stupid dance… maybe I know how to get Rachel speaking to me again. SINGING. She loves when I sing to her. Now I just need to find the perfect song….

. . . . .

BREAKING THE SILENCE AT SADIE HAWKINS.

This stupid dance is so BOOOORING. And really stressing me out. I've been here for over an hour and have been trying to keep watch over Rachel but she keeps moving away and hiding in groups of people so I can't see her. C'mon now, this is just too ridiculous! And she looks really super pretty tonight. She's wearing this really shimmer-sparkly purple dress with a long white ribbon tied around her waist. But I DID notice she was wearing the pink headband I gave her for Hanukkah! She just won't let me get close enough to try to talk to her… but as long as she's not like, sucking face with anyone else or like, letting some creep dance with her and grope her, it's okay. At least I know she's with Kurt and she's safe, even if she's doing her best to avoid me.

I've been getting some really weird vibes all night and I finally figured out why. QUINN. Oh GAWD I can't believe I have to try and hide too, from this crazy psycho – and I'm like way tall in a sea of midgets so it's not an easy thing to do! It looks like she came here with Sam. They've been chatting it up all night so far and dancing together and stuff.. But I keep feeling her eyes on me and it's giving me the skeevies. I went to the refreshments table and she snuck up on me. For a split second I thought it could be Rachel because I felt little hands run down my back, but when I turned around it was Attack of the Living Quinn, the New Nightmare continues! So I squirmed my way away from her there, and again near the restrooms when she tried to corner me and drag me into the BOYS restroom!, and again while I was talking to Artie about the order of glee club performances. This chick is just batshit and I don't think Sam knows what he's dealing with… but whatever. That's his problem. I have bigger concerns of my own.

I asked Kurt that when it was my turn to perform to please make sure Rachel was somewhere near the stage where I could see her – and he TOTALLY owed me after getting me grounded over my internet searches that he 'accidentally' outed to mom! (Hey don't judge me, I'm a 17 year old dude in love with a sort-of-girlfriend who won't even talk to him right now let alone any of the OTHER awesome things she used to do all summer… so stuff sometimes happens when I can't sleep at night!)

. . . . .

Okay I'm up next. I hope she likes this song… I hope she knows it's saying everything I want to tell her when she won't pick up the phone and hear me say to her. I think I'm more nervous for this performance than any glee competition I've been to yet. Here goes nothing…

I can see her front and center, Kurt is a good brother! But now comes the part I was sweating over… we all know words are NOT my friend but tonight I'm getting it right for once dammit.

"Hey McKinley High! Finn Hudson here, you might know me as quarterback of the football team and also co-captain of the glee club (I ignored the cackles and boos from the crowd and forged ahead – this is for Rach). You might also know I've been completely head over heels in love with a certain tiny brunette powerhouse singer for a long time now, my glee co-captain, my rock, my best friend.. The stubborn, beautiful and talented Rachel Berry." I looked down at her and she made eye contact with me, face completely flushed pink and a look of shock and maybe embarrassment all over her.. She looked so fucking adorable I just wanted to go grab her and kiss her senseless right there in the middle of the dance floor. But looking at her, all my nerves faded away and so did everyone and everything else in the room. It was just me talking to her now. "Rach, I know you're still mad right now and that I hurt you again – which I'm so sorry about. But I still love you no matter what... I know your birthday is tomorrow, so this is an early present. This song says everything I'm feeling about you, yesterday, today and all the tomorrows to come. Happy Birthday baby… I hope you're listening."

Find me here, and speak to me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

I jumped down off the stage and walked right up to her and took her hand. In between verses, I whispered in her ear 'come with me' and pulled her up on stage. She resisted a little at first and had a hand covered over her face, but she came withe anyway and I sat her down on the stool next to me on stage.

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose, you're everything

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

I held her hand through the next part, even as I saw the tears flooding down her beautiful cheeks.

You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall
You still my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in, take me deeper now?

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

'Cause you're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
Everything, everything

When the song ended, I pulled Rach into my arms and gave her a big hug. She hugged me back and it felt so good to have her back in my arms again. Mercedes and Tina were coming on next to sing a duet (and I noticed they both had smiles and tears in their eyes as they passed us – Mercedes nodded to me like an approval) so we walked off the stage holding hands and I pulled Rach into a quiet corner to talk in.

She still had tears streaming down her cheeks messing up her makeup but she couldn't be more beautiful, with her hair swept up in a fancy curly bun and little ringlets hanging around her cheeks. "You look so pretty tonight Rach… like a princess." I reached up to cradle her face and wipe some of her tears away with my thumbs.

"Thank you Finn. And thank you so much for the song… it was truly beautiful. No other boy has ever sung to me like that before... Well, not since the last time you did – only, that time was different than this. I was never really HIS girl, I've been yours the whole time."

"Yeah? Does that mean you're still my girl?"

She took a deep breath and looked around kinda nervously. I was starting to panic, but then she spoke. "Well, what about Allie? I mean, I thought she would have asked you to the dance, but I've seen her with some other boy dancing all night."

"Allie did ask me. I said no. I was hoping someone else would have asked me to be her date, but she didn't... so I came alone."

"Oh.. really?"

"Yeah. There's only one girl I wanna go to dances with, and sing with, and sing to… and she's standing here making me a nervous wreck, because she hasn't talked to me since a semi-fantastic Thanksgiving holiday we spent together. Because I, Finn Hudson, am an idiot who hurt her feelings again and was reckless with her heart, again.., even though I honestly didn't mean to."

She sorta smiled for a second then her brow wrinkled up with a touch of confusion. "You thought it was only semi-fantastic?"

"Well, the first half of the day was perfect…. the best Thanksgiving ever. It just didn't end the way I wanted it to."

"And how should it have ended?"

"Like this..." and I leaned down and pressed a soft slow kiss on her lips. It was glorious. I felt her melting into me and wrapping her arms around me… THIS is how tonight should have been the whole time. Wrapped up in the delicious warmth of Rachel Berry, love of my life. And I didn't even see McDoucheface in my mind this time. I didn't feel those twisty knots of anger or sadness. All I felt was all the love I have for this tiny beautiful girl who I've been missing so damn much it hurts.

"I love you Rach… for real. Forever."

"I love you too Finn… but I-I.. I just don't know if it's a good idea for us to be together right now. I think your pause idea was a good one… because now I feel like I'm needing some space."

Wait what? I'm totally ready to be Finchel again and now, she's.. not?

"I get that you were just trying to be the good guy – which you are – and maybe I'm being selfish and immature about this, but.. but I think I deserve to be the FIRST person you think of. My heart deserves to be put first. And you just didn't do that for almost 2 months. I know I messed up before and you were hurt, which was my fault. I even understand your need for space from me. But your thing with Allie really hurt me, Finn. I know you didn't do it on purpose and I even believe you don't have those kinds of feelings for her, but you still didn't think of my feelings. So I think I just need some time now. I'm not breaking up with you… I'm just asking for some time. Same terms of our pause as before, no other romantic attachments.. I just… I need to get in touch with myself for a little while."

I held onto both of her hands as she told me all of this, and I couldn't help but notice that she was also wearing the star bracelet I gave her. She's not gone from me, I haven't lost her… but she's not done being mad yet either.. Or maybe she's still just sooo hurt, and of course, that's on me.. again. Hiram was right. I really stepped in it BIG this time I guess.

I exhaled a loud breath. My heart's breaking more than a little bit, but she's not breaking up with me, she's just pushing pause – even though I'm ready to fast forward past this crap already! "Okay Rach. Whatever you need. However long you need. I love you enough to wait. But I wanted you to know that all the crap that happened a couple months ago, I'm over it. I just miss you. I wanted us to be together like we were before, but if you're not ready, I'll wait. You're worth the wait. You're right, you should come first – you DO deserve to be put first. And yeah.. I guess I was careless with your heart again.. But that's just because I'm stupid."

"No Finn, don't say that.. You are not stupid! You just do stupid things sometimes, even if you don't mean to. Maybe that's something you need to think about too, why you do these things that hurt me. At some point I should matter enough that you stop hurting me like that… I know it wasn't on purpose, but it still hurts. And maybe I need to figure out how to be less hurt by these things you sometimes do. But the more times it happens, the more pieces of me I feel like I lose… and I don't want to hate you or stop feeling the love I feel for you. I'm just afraid if we keep going like this, that's what might happen."

UGH this sucks! But it mostly sucks because I know she's not wrong. "Yeah... I guess you're right. We still have things we both need to work on… I just wish we didn't have to be apart to do it. I don't want you to hate me either, and I never want to lose you or our friendship. And I miss you so much Rach. I miss us."

She smiled softly and cupped my cheek in her warm little hand. "I miss us too Finn… but hey, I'm not saying don't call me at all, I'm saying call me when you really need me." She winked at me, tears welled in her sparkling gorgeous brown eyes. Then she kissed me on the cheek and walked away. My hands are already missing the contact from her touch and I just wanna run after her… but I know I can't force it.

The rest of this month is going to SUCK without her. But Christmas is almost here and I know what I'm asking Santa for this year… I want Finchel to make a comeback in the new year. I hope it happens, sooner than later.

. . . . .

---

A/N –

song credits:

Richard Marx - 'Right Here Waiting' from his 1989 album Repeat Offender
Lifehouse – 'Everything' from their 2000 album No Name Face

My girl posse REALLY pulled through in helping see this chapter FINALLY be completed! Talk about a labor of LOVE (and hate and torture and misery)… I struggled with so many of the choices and changes from canon, but Scarlett88 and Sapplingofastar - YOU GIRLS ROCK! MANY of the plot lines and scenes in this chapter come from them and they both talked me through my crazy zig-zagging ideas… extra special love to Scarlett for Rachel giving Finn the gold star after their trail walk, and to Sappling for her mega contributions to ALL things Jewish related in this chapter INCLUDING and especially Hanukkah and the 8 gifts given by Finn. Love you lovely ladies! XO

Thanks for your patience waiting on this update readers - given it is a MONSTER SIZED chapter (and no Sappling there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that!), I hope it was worth the wait! My tooth surgery is over (and feeling MUCH better!) and I'm probably going back to chemo at the end of this week. But I hope to have season 2 wrapped very soon! The final installment of S2 is already in progress and on it's way to DONE.. hope you're enjoying the ride so far!