Chapter 19 – Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The next morning, I woke to find Nagisa gently shaking me. "Okazaki-san, wake up."

"What? What time is it?" I managed to ask through the fog.

"It's 8:30! You'll be late for your studies if you don't hurry up!"

I muttered my token swear word and quickly got myself washed, dressed, and headed to the door.

I was stopped on the way to the door by Nagisa, who was still in her pajamas. "I'm sorry, Okazaki-san; I'm not feeling well, so I couldn't make lunch for you."

I felt the hammer of guilt pound on me. "Don't worry about it. I'll manage. Just take care of yourself and rest, okay?"

She returned my nod. "Okay. You take care, too."

She padded off to her room as I left.

I found myself hesitating at the door to the library. I didn't know how Kotomi would be after the way yesterday turned out. At some point, I'd have to face it…well, her.

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Tomoya-kun…" Kotomi was sitting in her usual spot, on a cushion, with books around her.

"Sorry I'm late," I said as I stepped into the library. "I had trouble sleeping last night."

"I understand, Tomoya-kun. Yesterday was hard for both of us." Was that a look of compassion on her face?

I knew what I wanted to say, I just didn't know how to say it. "Uh, Kotomi-chan?"

"Yes?" She still gazed at me like I was the only thing in her world. An impressive girl.

"Look…if you don't want to…you know…be my teacher any more…"

Kotomi quickly got up from her cushion and hugged me, causing me to tense up. "Tomoya-kun, I love you. If you are happy with Fuuko-san, then I am happy for you." She let go of me and held me at arm's length. "I…am sorry for my outburst yesterday. I admit that I expected you to reciprocate my confession because of our friendship…"

"I'm sor-"

She put her fingertips to my mouth. "Please don't apologize, Tomoya-kun. I want you to be happy, even if you're not…with me." Her breath shuddered as she lowered her hand. "Can we…still be friends? I understand that it would not be easy at first, but I would rather have you in my life as a friend than to lose you completely."

I didn't know what to think; for being so childlike, Kotomi was surprisingly mature. She would certainly be a force to be reckoned with after high school, let alone after college!

"I'd like that," I finally answered with a heavy smile.

Her face lit up and she made her way back to her cushion, only to switch direction to the table; I guessed she caught herself mid-way. "Do you need more help with parabolas? Or shall we move on?"

I hated parabolas, and now I had more reason to hate them. "Let's…move on. I'll try to figure the rest out on my own."

Kotomi opened the English textbook. "I think you're ready for sentence structure and their terms." She looked up at me expectantly. "Are you ready, Tomoya-kun?"

I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm still 'Tomoya-kun' to her, so everything's going to be all right.

"And…there you go!" Yukine smiled as she placed a rice omelet in front of me along with a cup of coffee. It was more of a breakfast meal, but I wasn't going to complain about free food.

I looked down at my plate and felt a little guilty; the food seemed so artistic that I almost couldn't bring myself to eat it.

Almost. I was hungry, after all. "Itadakimasu!"

As I ate, I noticed that I was starting to pick up on the ingredients she used, and realized that I must have been because of my training under Kyou. Very useful.

Apparently I had an interesting look on my face, because Yukine asked, "Does it taste okay?"

"Oh! Yeah, sorry. I've been studying cooking with the Fujibayashi twins, and I just realized that I could discern some of the ingredients you used."

She giggled. "I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I'm glad you like it."

I nodded vigorously. "Yeah, yeah, I'm amazed at how you can do so much with so little…or, at least it seems like so little." I pointed at the omelet with my chopsticks. "You and Kyou could open a restaurant with your skills."

She giggled again as she lowered her mug from her lips. "Oh, I don't think I'm that good. But I appreciate your praise." She raised her mug again, and I noticed that her eyes were still fixed on me. I quickly turned back to my meal.

"So," I started, trying to change the subject, "how are things going with the gang situation? Are they still at each others' throats?"

Her expression fell just slightly. "I'm afraid so. Before, they used to fight over territory, but now they fight over…" She looked very uncomfortable.

I couldn't figure out what she was trying to say, so I had to ask. "What are they fighting over now?"

"Me."

"You? How come?"

She sighed. "It used to be that the guys would see me as a little sister, but now…"

I figured that I knew where this was going. "Do they see you as a possible girlfriend now?"

Yukine nodded. "It's made things very awkward. I can't help one without another becoming jealous."

I leaned back in my chair. "Well, I guess I could see why. I mean, you're a great cook, you're kind, supportive…you're like that ultimate…what do they call it? 'Yamato Nadeshiko'?"

Yukine's eyes widened. "You really think so?"

I shrugged. "Isn't it obvious?"

Yukine bit her lip. "I was hoping you thought something like that."

Those damned red flags. "Why's that?" I asked cautiously.

Yukine looked down. "I care about all of the guys, but not in that way. Especially since…"

I am not prompting this one. I am not going to encourage it.

She raised her eyes enough to reach out and take one of my hands in both of hers. "Especially since I met you."

No, not again… "W-Why is that?"

"You have a strong character, Tomoya; I've seen it. I see it in the way you want to help others. I know you haven't fixed the gang problem yet, but I also know that it's because of your own situation. You call yourself a delinquent, but you really aren't; you're a good man who's been hurt in some way, and you've missed school because of that."

How did she have me pegged?

"But when you are here, you're encouraging, supportive, willing to stand up for what's right…"

I couldn't stop my hand from trembling. Nononononono-

She raised her head to meet my eyes. "…and that's what I've fallen in love with."

I couldn't say anything; my jaw was effectively locked shut.

"T-Tomoya: Will you be my boyfriend? It would help with part of the gang situation, yes, but that's not my real reason. Like I said, you have many good traits, and I love you because of them. Because of who you are."

"Miyazawa…" I ran my free hand over my face and pinched the bridge of my nose. "You're really…sweet, and I think you'll make a great wife to a very lucky guy, but…" How could I break yet another heart? "I'm sorry. I'm already with someone, but I'm…honored that you think of me this way. Thank you."

"I see." Her voice was barely above a whisper as she slowly released my hand. "I'm sorry, senpai. Now that I think about it, I should have realized it sooner. I'm so sorry for putting you in such an awkward position."

"Please don't feel bad; not for my sake, at least." I wanted to be comforting as much as I could. "I'm sorry that I can't return your feelings."

She nodded slightly, clearly distressed. "If it's okay, I'd like us to remain friends, but…I'll need a little time to sort out my feelings."

"I understand. I'll stay away from here until you tell me otherwise, okay?" I gave her a moment to process what I said, then: "Is there anything I can do for you?"

She raised sad eyes to me. "Could I…could I rest my head in your lap for a while?"

If that would help, then… "Sure."

I don't know how long she was in my lap, but she spent almost the whole time quietly crying while I gently caressed her hair. Why is this all happening at once?! What is so special about me?!

I was glad that Kotomi-chan and Nagisa and Yukine were so forgiving.

I just hoped that Tomoyo would also be as forgiving.

"I'll be fine," Tomoyo insisted, fists on her hips. "I said what I wanted to say, and…that's it."

I noticed that her voice wavered a little toward the end there, but I figured that it wouldn't help to point that out. "Thanks, Tomoyo-san."

She frowned at me. "You can still call me 'Tomoyo' if you want. We are still friends, right?"

Just like Kotomi, she caught me off guard. "Uh, yeah, sure. To be honest, I was worried about that myself. I was…" I hoped that I didn't sound patronizing; I knew Tomoyo hated that. "I was worried about you."

I definitely saw her sigh heavily. "Tomoya, being rejected is never easy. But we have a great friendship as a foundation, so I would like to think that it would survive this."

I nodded. "I get it. Thanks, Tomoyo. I really don't deserve a friend like you."

"I agree, but only because nobody really 'deserves' anybody anyway," she huffed. "Are we ready to move on? I'd really like to put this behind us."

"Sure thing," I replied.

I have some damn good friends.