Chapter 10: valley of decisions
"and then my dad passed out!" Bella laughed as her therapist handed her a tissue.
Doctor Didyme laughed along with her.
"but other than him passing out, he took the news well?"
"yeah, he's pretty excited. He's not happy with the way it happened but he's excited to be a grandpa."
"and how do you feel about this? Being pregnant, so soon?"
"what do you mean?" Bella asked.
Doctor Didyme, took a deep breath and gave Bella a concerned motherly look.
"Well, Bella you lost your daughter recently, and now you are pregnant again with not just one but two children. You are in your freshman year of college and living in a new town with new family members. I think this is a lot of adjustment, too soon and too fast. And I think you're trying to keep up a false façade so that no one worries about you."
At first, Bella wanted to argue but she had to admit that her therapist was right.
With a deep sigh, she hung her head and said "your right… I have taken on a lot but I just don't want my family to think that I can't take care of myself. I don't want to be a burden to anyone…just like I was a burden to.. – to my ex's family. I want my babies to be proud of their mother. I want them to have a stable life. to have a good home surrounded by good family that loves them."
Doctor Didyme smiled softly and leaned over to grab Bella's hand.
"There is no doubt in my mind that you will be an awesome mother. But you can't forget that you are still grieving. And you haven't processed it well. My suggestion for you is to create a space, where you can grieve properly. You never did get to bury your baby girl. It might be best if you write a letter to her and then bury it, where you can visit her often. It's the symbolism of letting go and yet not forgetting."
"Your right." Bella agreed as she wiped her eyes.
Didyme was quick to hand her another tissue.
"let's move on to a less heavy topic. What are your feelings for Quil, now that you know he is your sperm donor? Do you think you were too accepting of his gesture to be there for you? or do you think he was being genuine?"
Immediately Quil's yellow eyes flashed into her mind.
"You know he and I only talked last week. I haven't seen him since. I mean we exchanged numbers and we texted back and forth a little. Like he'll ask me if I need anything and I'll say no. we both go to the same college but we have yet to bump into each other. I have known Quil for a while. We hung out off and on during my high school days but we weren't close. Crazily enough when he touched me last week, he made me feel like I was on fire. It seemed like he knew all my sore spots, like the sore spot on my back, or the food that made me Queasy. I know it's the supernatural side of him but I couldn't help but feel turned on."
"how do you know it's not your hormones making you feel all these things?" Dr. Didyme asked.
"I don't know. It could be. But…one thing I know is true, Quil is not a liar."
"and how do you know?"
"I saw it in his eyes."
In the meantime, while Bella talked to her therapist, Quil was struggling himself.
"I'm sorry say that again?" he asked his dad.
Quil had just gotten out of class and his father wanted to have a father-son dinner so that they could talk.
They were sitting in a practically empty diner, Quil poking at his chicken tenders and fries.
"I said Chester offered you a part-time job at the mayor's office. They need a new security guard. He's willing to work around your school schedule and then you can have weekends off."
"uh… I don't know about that dad…I mean… it sounds great..but... I don't know if I can handle anything extra right now. School is harder than I thought it would be. And to add the wolf on top of all that. I can barely get him under control as it is.."
And as soon as Quil said that, the shakes returned.
He closed his eyes and ground his teeth.
Claire's innocent eyes flashed through his mind. And yet they disappeared just as fast and instead, Bella's wide brown ones called out to him.
Her belly small and yet round with his pups.
He felt the wolf snarl at the thought of being away from her.
"Son?" his father called.
Quil gasped for breath as if he had been pulled from underwater.
"Deep breaths, son. deep breathes." His father coached.
Quil took deep breaths as he tried not to break the table.
"Son…maybe it's time to give up the wolf." His father said seriously. "fighting him like this isn't healthy. It's killing you."
Quil shook his head.
"no. no, he's a part of me. I can't just let him go. What if something happens to Bella or my kids and I can't be there to protect them."
However, his father wasn't swayed.
"Son… having a wolf doesn't make you a protector. He doesn't give you your inner strength. Yeah, he may make you physically strong and feel like Superman but your wolf does not define you, son. The only reason you phased was because of other supernatural creatures and the need to protect the reservation. You're not on the reservation anymore. You don't have anyone you have to protect."
A growl released itself from Quil's chest.
"I have Bella to protect."
His father laughed.
"you barely know the girl son. So, she's carrying your kids. Be there for them but you don't owe Belly Bee anything. I love her like she's my own daughter but you are not obligated to her. Think about it, son. If you had met her and not known she was pregnant you wouldn't feel the way you do now."
Quil shook his head.
"that is only partly true Dad. I think even if Bella wasn't pregnant. She and I would have gravitated towards each other at some point. You forget she and I used to be friends at some point. We would have bumped into each other at some point. "
His father sighed
" you young folk always think you know everything."
"And you old folk always think your way is the right way."
Father and son stared at each other until they burst out in laughter.
His father threw his hands in the air and Said " I respect your decision son. I do. I'll be here to support you along the way. I just want you to realize that in what 8 months you're going to be a father. another life is going to depend on you. Which means you will have to take the wolf and the man by the reigns. And I don't want you to feel obligated to have a romantic relationship with Bella just because she's having your kids. You just got your life back, you should live it first."
Quil nodded the trembling worsening by the second.
"Dad I gotta-"
" Go" was his father's simple order
Quil flew out the door, and into the hot desert.
…
A roar emitted from his mouth as he crushed a nearby cactus and destroyed a few boulders.
The stress of fighting his wolf was taking a toll on him. Mentally and physically.
Parts of him wanted to agree with his dad, maybe he could banish the wolf, but he just felt so helpless without him.
There had to be a way around it.
He loved being a wolf and he loved the connection and the strength.
But the wolf wanted something completely different from him. The wolf wanted Claire, and Bella piqued his interest but there was no pull towards her.
If he was being honest, he felt guilty. He felt guilty for even thinking about banishing his wolf. His brothers back at home were still struggling with their internal battles and here he was going to college and trying to live his life.
He let out a mournful howl into the air.
Fear was also stopping him from making a true decision.
Fear of it meant to be fully human again.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear and guilt were ruling over his decision.
Ruling over his mind and heart.
However, the sound of crunching gravel and a steady heartbeat, caused Quil to freeze.
When he looked up, a man with dark skin and black hair was looking at him fondly.
"hello their spirit warrior.." he greeted.
Quil continued to hold still.
" I see you are hesitant in your communication. That is fine. I am a stranger after all. But hear me, child. allowing your spirit wolf to lie dormant and banishing him are two different things. I bet you didn't even know you had that option did you?"
The man sat down and crossed his legs smiling at Quil.
It was then Quil decided to phase, quickly pulling up his shorts.
"Who are you?" quil asked.
"who I am does not matter. just know that I am a friend. Now like I said before it is obvious you did not know your spirit wolf could lie dormant, instead of banishing him."
"but what does that mean? Dormant?"
"it means young one, that your wolf will…sleep in a way. He will sleep until something serious stirs him awake. He will always be at the surface but you will be in control."
Quil sighed in frustration.
"but how does that work if…" he stopped. This elder couldn't possibly know about imprints and the binds that tie him to a person he never wanted to be with. Could he?
"what question do you have for me young one? Speak to me Quil."
Quil jumped.
"How did you know my name?"
"I know many things. But back to the matter at hand, what holds your tongue from speaking?"
Quil sighed.
"I am bound to a baby. A simple child. I have been told the only way I can be free of her, is to banish the wolf completely."
"ahh, I see. That is quite the conundrum. How about, for now, you focus on allowing your wolf to lie dormant."
" but how do I do that?"
"instead of phasing once a month like you have been doing, start making it bi-monthly. You phase every two months. Once you have mastered that, move it up to three. The more you do this, the less you will feel the effect."
Before Quil could ask another question, the man stood up.
"ah, it seems our time has ended. Come see me here next week. Same time. you enjoy your night young Quil. Your life will be very bright."
And right before his eyes, the man disappeared.
"what the heck just happened?" Quil questioned.
….
Once Quil made his way back to the truck, he decided to reach out to Bella.
He had avoided directly speaking to her for a while. It wasn't because he was mad at her or anything. But he had to wrap his mind around the fact that he was going to be a father and it was with Bella.
Growing up, she was always jakes Bella
And then she became the leeches, Bella.
So what was she now?
Right now she was just Bella. The girl who no one truly knew.
Maybe it was time to truly get to know her and not just because she was pregnant with his kids.
With that in mind, he sent the message.
Hey, how are you? are you busy?-Q
Hey there stranger! No, just studying.-B
Can we go out and talk somewhere? I think we need to clear some things up and get a game plan together.-Q
I think that's a good idea. Have anything in mind?-B
I found an Indian restaurant not too far from here. Want me to pick you up, or do you want to meet me there?-Q
If you wouldn't mind picking me up? my feet are killing me-B
On my way.-Q
….
Fifteen minutes later, Bella's sweet scent was filling up the cab of his truck.
" Man B, you smell delicious, I could just eat you." Quil groaned.
Bella laughed.
"you're not the first person to tell me that. I've heard that plenty of times. Thanks for picking me up. how are you?"
"It's no problem, I'm doing better! Much better. Do you mind a few hour drive?" he questioned.
"not at all, I could do some time away. my family is smothering me."
"tell me about it! sometimes I don't feel like an adult when my dad and stepmom are around. Doesn't help when Chief Swan is glaring at me. how long is he staying?"
Bella groaned and covered her face.
"I am so sorry about that. He's staying for a few months. He has a lot of vacation time, he hasn't used."
They lapsed in silence for a while before Quil spoke.
"I've been avoiding you," he admitted.
"I know…" she told him.
"I shouldn't have.."
"Quil you found out I was carrying your kids. I didn't expect you to just embrace that overnight. I told you, I want you to be as involved as you want to be." Bella explained.
"And what if I want to be involved in everything?" Quil questioned.
"what do you mean?"
"Bella, I had a very…sad childhood. I had to watch my mother try to fill my father's shoes. Yeah, I have Grandpa but he was living in his world. I didn't have my father, especially when I needed him. And with the whole drama with imprinting. I'm not too mad at him. Do I resent him a little? Sure, but what I am trying to say is, I want to be with our kids, for every moment. Their first step, checking under the bed for monsters. I want to be there for them and… for you. as a friend."
Quil watched as Bella bit her lip.
"to be honest, I don't want to be one of those mothers, that drops their kids off to dad three days a week. Or every other weekend. I had to endure that with my parents. And it would be unfair to make our kids go through that too. It would be nice to have you involved… fully. But.. how?"
Quil sighed.
"your uncle offered me a job that pays well. I get weekends off. Maybe once I save up enough money, we can get an apartment. Or a townhouse, so we have our own space? And then we can both be there for the kids. Or get two units in the same apartment building?" Quil suggested
"I like that idea. That way, we are not burdening our parents with the cries of twin babies every night. But what about school? I don't want either of us to drop our studies especially since we are on scholarships."
"Now that's where we have to let go of our pride and ask for help." Quil admitted. " as much as we don't like it, we will need help."
It was then Quil parked the car and helped Bella out of the truck.
"Welcome to the saffron patch restaurant. They have awesome Indian food."
Once they were seated, and had ordered, Bella asked him a question.
"hey…Q? how come your not freaking out about all this. Most guys our age wouldn't be so eager to well you know, be a dad and especially so young. I mean if you didn't have these supernatural senses you would have never known a thing."
"you know my dad, told me something like that earlier today. That if you hadn't been pregnant, our paths wouldn't have crossed. But… I think he was wrong… I told him at some point our paths would have met. I don't know what we would have done at that time but…parts of me are glad it happened this way. Parts of me feel like it was supposed to happen this way. I'm not going to say I wasn't in shock at first, cause I was but once again, I grew up in a single-parent household. I wouldn't want my kids to go through that and I would hate to see you struggle. My mom would cry herself to sleep sometimes because of how overwhelmed she was."
"yeah, I understand where you coming from. My mom struggled a lot. It didn't help that she refused to ask Dad for help. But enough of the heavy talk. How are classes going?"
Quil groaned.
"most of them are good, but English lit is kicking my butt and the tutors suck. Their either horny girls with too much perfume. Or dorky guys who are jealous. I just don't care for reading. Hand me an audiobook and I am with you but don't ask me why Shakespeare said what he said cause I don't know."
Bella laughed, as she looked at Quil.
"Are you kidding me?! I love English lit! I wish I could take that class all day long. but don't get me started on statistics… I hate it! like basic math is fine, but when am I going to use statistics with my botany degree?"
It was Quils turn to laugh.
"plants? That's what you're studying B? Plants?"
"oh and please tell me what your degree is in Q?" Bella mocked.
Quill played with his napkin and then mumbled "Game design.."
Bella snickered.
"see you can't tease me for my plant degree while you get a degree in designing video games."
Quil threw his hands up in mock surrender.
"I know when I've lost."
It was then their food arrived and the two friends dug in.
"hey, Q this is nice. Nice to just be out… and together… thank you."
"We can do this any time B, even at school.. we don't have to avoid each other…" he told her.
"I didn't want to tie you down, or make it look like we were something we were not."
"Bella I want to be with you. I want to be by your side. And not just because of the kids. I enjoy your presence. I mean I know a lot of…drama has happened over the past two years because of the pack, Jacob, and the Cullens. But… were adults now… all that stuff is in the past."
"Sometimes, I get afraid it will all come crashing down on me.." Bella admitted to him.
Quil reached across the table and held her free hand.
"I will do everything I can to not let that happen."