The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
Remus could still see when he slept.
Usually, it was nightmares. Watching his loved ones die before him, seeing himself hurting someone while transformed.
For some reason, one nightmare plagued him, and had since Harry had told him of Ted Tonks' death. Remus could see the man laying on the ground, blood pouring from his throat as Dora screamed for someone to do something.
Remus didn't know why that nightmare plagued him- he didn't even know how Ted had died. He wondered if it was a memory resurfacing but did not want to ask Dora.
Other nightmares bothered him too, ones he knew stemmed from memories.
He didn't like to sleep, even if it was the only time he got to see anything familiar.
Some nights, he was lucky, and the dreams were more pleasant but unfamiliar. It was all very blurred, things he certainly didn't remember and was certain had never happened, but he found them comforting anyway.
Some he believed to be from their marriage, the short time they spent together between his last memory and his disappearance, but he wasn't sure. For all he knew, he was fabricating memories that never happened. He had a dream of a fight, he could see her standing before him in her apartment but never could remember anything either of them had said. Her hair was a peculiar mix of blue and green and she looked pale and tired, tears staining her cheeks. He wish he knew what the fight was about and how it had ended, though he imagined they had worked through it if she was visiting him.
He wanted to ask her about all the dreams he kept having. Dora could tell him if they were real or fake, but he was scared to face her, especially after telling her to leave him alone.
He missed her, and was happy when she came to see him. Talking to her again felt right, even though she seemed a little put out that Harry had spilled the news of their marriage to Remus.
And then she asked about Brutum.
Remus was not aware that anyone knew about it, Kingsley had always assured Remus that everyone's memories had been altered. However, Kingsley was always able to shield himself from memory charms, so Remus was not convinced that others weren't able to do the same.
He didn't want to be known as one of the escapees. He didn't want people to know it existed at all.
No one was supposed to. Even Sirius, who was also a victim of wrongful incarceration, didn't know.
"Dora..."
"Remus, I want to help you. The Capture Unit is coming and if we can't shut them down, things could get worse for werewolves. Maybe this could convince them that you're not the alpha, if they knew the whole story."
Remus doubted that.
"I don't want you to think less of me."
She withdrew her hand from his and he realised how much he yearned for her comfort. "I would never, you know that." She said. "Do you know Dempster Wiggleswade?"
"I have heard of him, he writes for the Prophet." Remus said with a nod.
"He wants to expose the Ministry for creating Brutum." Dora said. "He believes it'll convince everyone that the Capture Unit needs to be shut down. He has tons of information about it all, he gave me a bunch of his notes to read through and he thinks if we were to tell people, we could convince the public that it was all inhumane and that werewolves deserve-"
"Or it will convince them that Brutum was the right thing to do."
"I don't believe that." She said. "Please, Remus, just tell me the truth."
"I don't want to discuss it."
"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. I'm worried that the Capture Unit will try to arrest you and- Remus, I need you to listen to me. They are claiming you're the new alpha of Greyback's pack-"
"I know, and I have told everyone about Petra but-"
"They don't believe you."
Remus nodded. "It seems only you and Harry do."
"That's why we need to discuss Brutum. If we can tell the public what they did, tell everyone what they're accusing you of, we could possibly get the Capture Unit shut down before they come for you."
"'Possibly' is not convincing enough, Dora."
"You would rather risk Azkaban or worse than tell everyone the truth. Why?" Her tone was accusatory. "Is it easier for you to not fight? Do you not want to?"
"Of course I want to fight it, but it's the Ministry. It's different than-"
"It's no different than what we've been doing! I thought this was what the Order wanted, to make the world more equal."
"It is, but-"
"'But' nothing, Remus. I want things to be easier for you, for us, and I truly believe this could be our way of ensuring a better future for werewolves."
"How will telling the world about werewolves being arrested and thrown into prison convince people that werewolves deserve the same treatment regular witches and wizards get?" Remus countered. "For all we know, people will read about it and say it was a great idea and should be done again."
"I don't believe that."
"You're quite naive."
She didn't respond and Remus immediately felt bad.
"Dora..."
"Remus, I wasn't sure about telling you yet but if it'll convince you to fight the Capture Unit, I will. If you don't fight them, you may never meet your son and that wouldn't-"
Remus' heart dropped. "My son? Dora, are you-"
"He was born in April." She said quickly. "You only got to know him a month before you vanished and if the Capture Unit has its way, you will never meet him again."
Remus felt ill. What had he done? "A child? We were foolish enough to-"
"No, no, he's not infected, Remus! He's healthy and he's like me, he isn't infected!"
That didn't make Remus feel better. The consequences weren't simply whether the baby was infected or not. What would happen to him as he tried to grow up, carrying the name of a known werewolf? Would he feel any effects from the moon, similar to a partial infection like Bill?
How was Remus supposed to support his son when he was still being accused of crimes he didn't commit, simply because he was a werewolf? Even if it all passed over and he was able to go home to Dora and his son, how would he help support the family when he was blind? What job would possibly want someone like him?
"Remus, this is why I need to know about Brutum. If we can stop the Capture Unit, show the public their inhumanity, you'll be safe to come home and raise Teddy."
Teddy. The name rang in his ears, so familiar. Images of a baby with bright turquoise hair filled his mind. He's like me, Dora had said. He's not infected.
That would have been comforting had werewolves not threatened Dora. Now, he was sure Teddy would be in danger too.
"It'll never be safe, Dora. The werewolves threatened you, Harry told me. You will never be safe." Remus said. "If the Capture Unit is disbanded, who will arrest these werewolves that have been threatening you and killing others? The Aurors? That would put you right back into their path-"
"It wouldn't be us unless the werewolves began using more Dark Magic." Dora said. "But if we can get Petra and any other more violent alphas, if we can offer Wolfsbane and support, maybe the attacks would-"
"I know you are speaking from a place of good intent but you are truly clueless to the politics of werewolf packs, Dora. There will always be an alpha who wants more members, more victims. That will never change, just as those who distrust werewolves will also likely never change their minds."
"Remus, I am begging you. You know that I'd never pry or ask if it wasn't important." She said.
"I said I didn't want to talk about it, Nymphadora." He said firmly, his fists clenched.
He felt her hand gently take one of his. "I'm sorry I've upset you." She said. "Please just think on it. You don't need to fight this alone, the Order is still fighting too." She was quiet for a moment. "I need to get home, but I can be back in the morning... please just think on it, Remus. This could be the push that we need to get people to see that werewolves aren't the monsters everyone assumes."
Remus didn't respond. He wasn't sure how admitting what the Ministry had done would convince anyone that werewolves could, in some cases, be trusted. He had seen the looks on people's faces change when they figured out what he was, heard the disgusted remarks when he passed.
He did not believe it would ever change, especially if the public found out about the murders at Brutum. Remus wasn't sure how he would be able to build a life if they knew he had killed someone there. Harry, Dora, his friends... none of them would ever look at him the same. It would taint everything, he'd be marked a murderer and he would definitely be unable to shake the current accusations.
Brutum had been the worst time in his life, by far. It had been barely two weeks after Lily and James' funerals, after he had gone back to Greyback's pack. He had figured he had nowhere else to go.
They had been raided and everyone had been arrested, but instead of Azkaban, they were taken to a secluded prison filled with other beasts and creatures. Flimsy wards separated them from other beasts. Days passed with little food, no shelter from the winter and too many fights.
Greyback tried to grow his pack, planning to break out as soon as he was able, and killed three different alphas in the first week alone.
Remus stayed to himself, he didn't want to become a monster like the rest of the werewolves.
Yet, he had.
He had spent so long ignoring that side of him, pretending it didn't exist and that he hadn't ended a man's life.
If he were to admit it all now, could he handle losing everything he had built? But on the other hand, how could he continue on, knowing that someone else knew about Brutum?
"If you'd like, I can bring Teddy by. If you're ready to meet him." Dora said quietly. "We'll talk about that in the morning, alright?"
He heard the chair shift and her footsteps. "Dora?"
"Yes?"
"I would like to meet Teddy, but I don't believe it's a good idea." Remus said. "I don't want to meet the son I may never get to raise, not until we know the Capture Unit won't arrest me."
"Remus..."
"I know you mean well, Dora, but please trust me. This is not worth it."
Her footsteps approached again, and she took his hand. "We'll talk tomorrow." For the first time since he had woken in St Mungo's, she leaned down and kissed him. "I love you."
Her footsteps retreated and he heard the door open. "I love you too." He finally said.
"I'm glad." She said teasingly, before the door closed and Remus was alone again.
Alone with his thoughts, as always, was what he hated the most. Before, he could drown his thoughts by pouring over any book he found. Popular books, obscure books, books so old that half the pages were missing... anything he found.
He couldn't do that now.
And so the thoughts came to him, the memories he could remember, the questions of the memories he couldn't.
He wondered if he'd ever remember and if it was better that he didn't. From the few things he had been told, it got bad during the last few months of the war, more violent than the first time.
Perhaps he was lucky not to remember.
He knew if he asked Dora or Harry, they could fill in the blanks. Surely, between the two of them, he could get answers for the most of the time he couldn't remember. If Kingsley visited, he could answer the stuff Dora and Harry couldn't. Or, in Dora's case, wouldn't.
He knew, from before his time with the werewolf pack after Sirius' death, she was stubborn. If she didn't want to talk, she wouldn't. If she didn't want to answer a question, she wouldn't.
She very much sounded like the Tonks he remembered- but there was something more subdued about her, as if she had aged a decade in the last few months. Perhaps she had.
To know she was back to being an Auror so quickly was unsurprising. It was what she had trained to do since she had left Hogwarts- even Alice, brand new to being an Auror, had returned only a few weeks after Neville was born. Aurors were not granted a long maternity leave, not during wartimes.
He did wonder, however, how she had fared during the pregnancy. The Ministry had fallen, he knew that from Harry. It had fallen under Death Eater control only a month after Albus died and Remus could do the math. Had she spent the year hiding her pregnancy, still playing the role of loyal Auror, as she had before Albus died?
Or had she vanished from the public, like Lily had?
Dora would have had a target on her back just because of her family name and to add his name and a pregnancy to that, she would have been hunted down.
And now she wanted him to out himself as an escapee from Brutum, tarnishing his name further. Their son would have to carry the name of a murderer and monster, and Dora seemed to believe it was the right thing to do.
He wished he understood.
His dreams were different that night. He was in a house he didn't recognise, walking towards a door that led to a room with pale yellow walls. Dora was standing at a crib, not facing him.
Her hair was dark, her natural brown, and he realised he missed her bright colours- the bright pink had vanished, but his mind told him she had cycled through other shades of pink and a few other colours over the last few months.
She turned to face him, her face tired.
"They'll be here soon." Dora said. "Are you okay with this?"
He wanted to ask what she meant, but his courage failed him.
"It's not the first time you left your son, even if you don't remember. It's all just easier, isn't it? Let the world believe the worst of werewolves, don't fight to help the others... is that why you resigned from Hogwarts? It was easier? And now, to let the Capture Unit do whatever it wants to you? Why won't you fight?"
He wanted to speak but couldn't.
"Coward."
It wasn't Dora who called him a coward- it was Harry, but he was nowhere to be seen.
Remus woke up to the sound of his room's door opening loudly.
"Have you been lying to us?" Dora's voice was thick, she had been crying.
"No, I've told you and the Healers everything-"
"Are you in contact with the werewolves?"
"No! I- why would I be?"
"How did they know? Tell me, how did they know about Teddy? I have kept him a secret from everyone except the Order and my work and right after I tell you about him, I get a letter from Petra. It's all way too convenient, Remus!"
"I- Petra contacted you? What did she say?"
"I think you know what she said."
"Dora, I don't."
"Have you been lying to us?" She asked again. "Are the accusations true?"
He didn't like her tone.
"I have not been in contact with Petra or any other werewolf, Dora. I don't know what she's said to you but I was never allied with them."
"How do you know? You say you can't remember anything since Albus died, but why that far back?"
"I don't know, but Dora... I would never align myself with them willingly."
"Willingly..." She whispered. "But unwillingly? If you thought you had no other option?"
Remus' heart faltered. "Dora, I don't know what happened these last few months but I truly believe that I would never do anything to put you or Teddy at risk."
"How did she know about him?"
"I don't know."
"I don't believe you."
"Dora-"
"The accusations are being made for a reason, Remus." She said. "Sometimes I wonder about you. You were so quick to push me aside and tell me you were dangerous and I didn't listen... You told me once you never hurt anyone but you were so worried you would... if you were so worried, why would you keep going back to the pack when you know what they do?"
"I didn't go back-"
"I don't know if I believe that."
Remus' heart sunk. This was what he had always been afraid of, that she would one day wake up and see him for the monster he was.
"We- Harry, Neville and I- are being sent to a different Ministry to complete their training safely. I think it's best you and I don't keep in contact." Dora said coolly. "I'll contact you when I'm ready, to work out visits with Teddy."
Remus didn't speak and a moment later, she was gone. He didn't know why this was all happening, or what Petra actually wanted. He couldn't remember ever meeting her, so why was she threatening his family?
All he knew was what everyone else told him, which was never much.
Maybe this had been the plan the entire time.
He wasn't sure he could fight the accusations of being the alpha who took over for Greyback. He wasn't sure anyone would believe him.
The Werewolf Capture Unit was trying to take away every chance he had at a normal life, and he couldn't believe the Ministry was allowing them to reopen.
Kingsley, his friend, was Minister. The man he fought alongside, the man who condemned the Ministry for Brutum before... had brought back the department who created it.
Remus wondered if this had always been the plan, if no matter what, everything he fought for would have been useless. Why did he believe werewolves would ever be treated equally? The Order had always focused more on Muggleborns, Remus couldn't recall many times they even discussed fighting for werewolves and other non-human creatures.
Maybe he was never meant to see the end of discrimination against werewolves. Maybe he was always doomed to fight for everyone's freedoms, but never gain his own.
I'm fallin' apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing