Aegis
It was my turn to clean the Shanzi. And at a perfect time too. Three turns ago,Boss, it had been no more than the mud of an earth that'd been soaked to death by a melting snow. Two turns earlier, Hizo, he'd dealt with little more than a small cover of soot that'd fallen down from the sky with a barrage of artillery. The time before that, Zek had been the lucky one. Our motor pool had done the majority of the work in putting Shanzi back together, the most fucked up segments of poor Shanzi replaced and patched up by individuals who skills in maintaining Shanzi far surpassed our own.
And then there was my turn. Our hull was caked in mud, dust, dirt, and soot. Blood clung to Shanzi's treads where men had been crushed beneath her weight. More condensed clots of blood-soaked uniform and what my brain imagined could quite possibly have been guts found themselves caught between the treads. And of course, it was my job to remove them.
That wasn't to say I was complaining. I understood the rules of our system, but perhaps would have appreciated at least a small bit of help given the nature of my task comparative to the last many cleanings that the Shanzi had gone through.
At the very least, it was a cooler day, but the cloudless sky did not help with the sun. The only solace I would get would be the occasion breeze, coming from the Serpent's Sea, rolling up the wall of Ba Sing Se, and falling back down upon us with an intensity.
While it brought a refreshing cool to my back, so too did it bring with it the stench of the day's fallen.
It'd been only earlier today, but already the bodies had been piled south of the captured Earth Kingdom line, pending cremation, Earth Kingdom burial rights be damned. We'd stumbled upon more than enough graves by now to know that to be burned and given to the sun was not the way of this continent, but, such was the consequence of hostile invasion. If they wanted to be buried as their tradition demanded, then perhaps they shouldn't have let themselves die by our hands.
A morbid thought, I realized as I scrubbed what remained of them from the front of Shanzi's hull. Perhaps I was just more annoyed that they'd had to get themselves killed in such a way that was this inconvenient to me.
That wasn't to say there was anything else I would've been doing with my time otherwise. Our troops were on standby for the time being, the Earth Kingdom auxiliary line having fallen well into our hands by now, hostile forces running for the hills, quite literally at that.
Word around our new camp was that casualties had been rather low, at least compared to the enemy. A few tanks had been lost, but for the most part without the loss of their crews. Much as that was a relief to all of us on the line, there was something to be said about armored' deteriorating role at the front of the line with every engagement such as this. Armored couldn't consistently take the losses that it'd been taking. Not forever, not with us still serving the role we did.
And I wasn't about to allow us to become rearguard support.
I thought to myself bitterly how the battle might have played out differently had we had the whole of Armored at our backs. Nowhere near as many as we'd possessed before our attack on the wall. And much more before we tried and failed the first time.
Over half of the Earth Kingdom's forces had managed to retreat unimpeded, and with their artillery in tow. A great many earthbenders had been killed, but their rearguard had managed to successfully pull back, no doubt now reinforcing, preparing for our next assault. No defense they could muster would be sufficient to match that which they'd tried to defend themselves with these last two times, but the more soldiers they had at the ready to entrench, engage in guerilla warfare, the worse off we would be.
It was something I ordinarily wouldn't be focused on, but knelt down in front of Shanzi with nothing but a bucket of reddening water and a crimson washcloth, my brain had free reign to go wherever it pleased.
It wouldn't be left there waiting for long, desperate for places to wander to, thankfully, or, I supposed, not so thankfully, disrupted and brought back into the land of the living by a familiar whistling.
Artillery.
I didn't think before finding my helmet where it sat on the ground beside me and throwing myself to the ground, huddling against Shanzi's chassis with my hands on my helmet, holding it as tightly to my skull as I could, waiting for the shell's fall.
The explosion came, distant, and the ground shook. I waited, knowing more to come, and so they did, each shake in the ground more faint than the last until, as quickly as it'd started, it was over.
I allowed half a minute to pass until I pushed myself off the ground to look the way the shells had flown, seeing the light plumes of smoke they left in the distance, off the periphery of our camp, and the division's position as a whole, a total miss by a wide margin.
That's it? I wondered, questioning just why I had thrown myself to the ground for such a blatant miss.
The position I found myself in one the ground must have been indicative enough of the panic I'd been thrown in judging by the fact that Zek's first instinct upon exiting his tent, as calm as though woken up by the chirping of a morning bird rather than an artillery barrage, looked at me, and laughed.
"You good there, Aegis?" he asked.
I stood up, brushing the dirt off of my uniform's faulds, glad for the skull-faced helmet's ability to conceal the rising flush to my face.
"Fine," I said, surprised by the deepness of my own voice that I'd instinctually deepened to hide my embarrassment. "Just…wasn't expecting artillery. Thought my lot was shit enough already"
Zek turned his head as he approached to look off in the distance towards the territory beyond our fortifications to the northwest, almost like he had no idea what I was talking about.
"Oh yeah," he said wondrously, placing his hands on his hips in mock consideration. "They'll do that sometimes. Take potshots to see if they can scare us, stop us from advancing more than we already have."
It was around that time that Boss emerged from his own tent as well, no doubt also having been catching some overdue sleep for himself while I'd been slaving away at Shanzi. "Spirits, you children are loud," he said, stretching his limbs upon his exit,as casual as could be imagined. "I miss something?"
"Earth Kingdom getting petty is all," Zek said. "And Aegis complaining about cleaning detail."
"I wasn't complaining," I started complaining as I removed my helmet to be heard better. "I-"
Okay, I was complaining. I gave up the defense before it could weaken by me adding any more words to it.
I was half expecting to be reprimanded, but instead, Boss would just say, "Come on," waving his hand as though expecting somebody behind me, and I couldn't tell who he was referring to. Zek, however, seemed to, or at least was removing himself from the running by returning to his tent. It did require me, however, to double take just to confirm what was happening, but Boss would rid me of such confusion with a simple enough, "You coming or not?"
"What?!" I had to ask.
"Haven't eaten all day," Boss said, still taking one step at a time away. "I'm starving."
And this was an invitation to join him?
"What about Shanzi?" I asked, wanting to believe perhaps, that such an invitation also brought with it not needing to clean her.
"She'll still be there in the morning," Boss answered, removing such a hope. Still though, it was a moment away, and I wasn't about to complain.
I smiled, and followed.
Danev
"It's a damned nice trench," I say out loud, musing to myself as I observed the frankly impressive formations that made up the fortifications we had seized from the Earth Kingdom just this morning.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Mano chimed in, an uncharacteristic snark to his words that, frankly, was welcomed. "Got an issue with the trenches I've built for you all?"
"Not in the slightest," I said in the best diplomatic tone that I could muster, before switching to speaking under my breath. "But a few more of them would be pretty nice, probably."
I knew behind my back, the resident earthbenders would be staring daggers at me, but it was all in good fun. Everything, at the moment, was in good fun. We'd survived, taken the enemy's trench from them, and if the words of our commanders were to believed, which, hopefully for once, could be, the rest of the day was ours to not worry about fighting for our lives.
The last of the Earth Kingdom artillery had let up nearly a whole hour ago, which had meant that for almost a whole fifteen minutes now, we'd been able to actually begin exploring the fruits of our labors, and turning our eye to the trench we'd seized.
It had taken no time for us to come to the conclusion shortly after that it was no Citadel, and it never would be. Maybe it was better constructed, better supplied, better outfitted, but damnit, it wasn't home.
About three hours had passed since we'd stormed the trenches, an hour since the last of their desperate artillery had ceased, and fifteen minutes since we'd come crawling out of our foxholes like molerats from their hovels. That meant that exploration had begun, and like a Fire Nation academy field trip, we toured the site of our latest victory.
There was no mistake that it'd been hand-carved by earthbenders, no cracks, no faults, no imperfections in the masonry save that which'd been directly inflicted by our artillery and tanks. The trench walls went higher, the floor deeper, requiring no steel fortifications to be held up, the strength and security of their walls inherent in the strength and willpower of those who'd constructed them.
That did, of course, leave some hesitation in the minds of those who now inhabited these trenches, but it was a fear we'd faced more than once outside Ba Sing Se's walls, but each time, it had been those like Mano, earthbenders, who'd known when such an attack was coming, and had saved us each and every time.
It was odd, I knew most of us thought, to put him in such a position that he was defending us against his own people. I supposed, however, it was flawed to say he was fighting against his own people. Sure, they were earthbenders like him, but Mano, he was Fire Nation. As much as any of the rest of us deserved to me.
I just wished the rest of our country saw things that way.
Maybe when this war was over, when the Earth Kingdom was no more and earthbenders no longer were the enemy, that would change. I prayed, at least. But then there was the part of me that wondered if any of this would ever end, even if the Ba Sing Se fell, along with it the Earth Kingdom.
It was better not to think about it. As such, I let my focus be diverted to those of us who had begun to delve into the inner bowels of the trench system, Tosa's voice echoing from within as he exclaimed with his usual enthusiasm, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Following in after, I was able to see just what all the excitement was about. It was a well-carved chamber with rows of tables and chairs that must have been able to sit at least a half hundred. To the side, a kitchen that, looking at it now, matched if not exceeded the size of Dragon Platoon's barracks back in the Citadel trench line.
There was no mistaking Hash's joy as he yelped and hollered from the kitchen, exclaiming his joy over each and every amenity ranging from the fully-loaded coal stove to the ice house that was surprisingly well stocked already with meat and vegetables. And that was without us even having stumbled upon the storehouse.
We all knew about the food shortages that'd been plaguing Ba Sing Se for the last year plus, but in this moment, we couldn't have been made to believe it no matter what evidence was put before us. As far as we knew, it could have been all the food in the Earth Kingdom right in front of us, brought to this single spot in the Earth Kingdom's defense.
And now it was ours.
"How the hell they just surrender this all so easy?" Shozi questioned.
"You're calling that shit this morning easy?" Chejuh questioned. "I nearly had my head knocked off by an earthbender boulder. Twice!"
"Okay, but compared to the wall-"
"Compared to the wall, this entire war's gonna be likened to a cakewalk," Murao said.
Though I didn't doubt he was right, at least in some sense, there was a damn good reason why, comparatively, today had been as easy as it was.
"They never expected the fighting to get this far," I say. "Was never meant to offer defense at all, more likely just a reserve line to relieve the men on the wall, give 'em a nice break."
With time, they probably could have improved its defenses, but with only a single evening and night of constant shelling between our capture of the wall and today, they'd never been given that chance.
We had to take that chance, however, before we could lose this position in the same way.
"Means too they didn't build this place to stand," I said, turning towards the men of Dragon platoon. The mood of the room was souring, I could tell. I wasn't here to ruin their moods, but they needed to be made away that the worst wasn't behind us. That, at any moment, we could still lose what we'd fought for.
"As indefensible as it was for them, it will be for us until we make it otherwise. Were the enemy to gather their forces now, assault in the night, have no confidence that we would win. Enjoy your night, enjoy victory, but be ready to fight to keep it."
"Couldn't have said it better myself," a voice spoke behind me, surprising myself just as much as it seemed to surprise the other soldiers of Dragon Platoon.
"Commander on deck!" Chejuh yelled out.
I turned, and as though by instinct immediately found myself in a salute. It was Captain Rulaan.
It took him hardly a second to command us at ease, at which point I shuffled to join the crowd of the rest of the platoon to put him at the front of our formation, but before I could so, he spoke softly, though loud enough I'm sure the others, at least those in front, could hear, "Stay here, Danev. Want to talk to you."
There was nothing ominous about the way he said it, but still, a personal request to speak always made one wonder.
Rulaan now turned to face the crowd of Dragon platoon, excluding myself, and spoke, "Your lieutenant's right. Feel proud of what you've accomplished today, now to mention what you have been consistently accomplishing throughout this campaign, these last few days in particular. However, it would be unwise to let your guard down. Do not grow overconfident, do not grow complacent, and always be ready for what may come next. Take some solace, however, in knowing that will not be tomorrow. You boys are finally getting a day off."
That, certainly, had the platoon in better spirits. There were sighs of reliefs, cheers, and even a few applauses.
Lest he make himself the messiah and me simply the bearer of bad news, he added after, "I can't speak for days thereafter, and your Nation will likely require your services again soon, but for now, enjoy this, and pray the Earth Kingdom doesn't choose tomorrow to get off their asses."
A few laughs, a few more closing applauses and the recognizable sound of Shozi exclaiming, "about fucking time," before Rulaan turned to me, and now saying hushed enough for only me being the one to hear, "Updated word from battalion command; walk with me."
I complied, walking away just as I could hear the first pop of a bottle's cork from the captured Earth Kingdom mess hall.
"The Earth King formally announce his surrender already?" I asked, obviously joking.
"Mhm," Rulaan returned with equal jest. "Fell on his own sword and ordered all soldiers within the city to organize a grand parade for us all to celebrate our victory. It's touching, really."
I chuckled, and he did as well, but the levity couldn't last, as we both well knew. We were talking because something was happening, and quite rarely during this last year had that been a good thing.
His expression shifted, not to one that was grim, which was a good improvement from the last times we had such conversations, but was still more serious than it'd been before.
"Spotters on top of the wall haven't been able to identify the nearest Earth Kingdom position."
"So not another trench then?" I asked, almost optimistic.
"Not one that we can see at least. We've got rivers that run to either side of us and meet at a delta to our north. Between that delta and us is flatlands, minimal villages, and a forest. We're surrounded by water on both sides and the perfect hiding spot for them to contain us to our north."
"So they're going to try to contain us," I realized.
Rulaan nodded. "No doubt the Earth Kingdom right now is making it their job to secure all bridge crossings, and possibly destroy them if they've already grown desperate enough. They're going to want to keep us here as long as they can, starve us out."
"We have the wall," I said. "The Earth Kingdom can't meet us atop it and hope to win. We could redeploy wherever we wanted theoretically as far as the circumference runs."
"Not without sustaining heavy casualties," Rulaan said, and I knew he was right. Moving troops down the wall, unless we blasted another hole which was an effort in itself, would present them as perfect targets to the enemy. We had our breach, and we had to work with it however we could, regardless of the terrain we'd been given.
"So what are we expecting?" I asked. "Hard points by river crossings, trench lines and artillery emplacements on the other side, guerilla fighters to wear us down while we're trapped?"
"We don't know for sure. Battalion command is sending scouting parties out tomorrow. Mixed unit template, a single squad and a tank for armored support."
Good, I thought to myself. A single tank alone, while quickest, would be easy prey to guerilla fighters if they were indeed scattered about the terrain as we suspected.
"So they're saving us not for scouting, but for the actual assault that'll inevitably come after."
Rulaan nodded. "And that's the real news."
It hardly was a surprise. Such was a consequence of being good at your job: you would be called to do it again. And again. And again until something inevitably went wrong. But that was the job, and if doing it right meant ending this war all the quicker, then it was one that needed to be done.
I nodded my head. "Well, when that time comes, you can count on Dragon."
But there was something about Rulaan I saw then. I couldn't tell if he was simply lost in thought, or if maybe I had missed something, but he was slower to nod his head than I. He did eventually of course, seeming to stammer for what to say for a second until he finally did.
He nodded, and said, "I know I can." He said nothing more, however, and turned to leave, opposite the way of the rest of the platoon. And I was no longer sure if I was quite ready to rejoin the festivities.
Aegis
It had only been a day, and already, the Dragon's Host had done its due diligence to cement its newfound position north of the wall.
A tent city complete with watch towers, barracks, mess halls, drainage trenches, and other such amenities was already being erected, capable of being packed up in a fraction it had taken to set up, but also read for the worst, for the long haul if it came to it, but all were hoping such wouldn't be the case.
I wondered where exactly Boss was leading me for the vast duration of our walk until such a time that the permeating smell of burning coal, gasoline, sweat, and elbow grease became all the more apparent. We were at the division motor pool, and from there, it wasn't hard to piece together why.
I'd only met the man twice, but there was no questioning that he was a friend of the Shanzi's crew, and to quite a good degree, Shanzi itself. That would have been Gordez–a man I'd met only once as he'd retrofitted Shanzi in preparation for her ascent, but quite clearly was a longtime friend, so when I made out his recognizable larger figure on our path, I made sure to try and be on my best behavior.
After all, he was our chief mechanic, a good person for any tanker to be on the good side of, I presumed.
And of course, there also was the fact that I was under direct orders from Boss.
"Don't embarrass me," he said, half-joking I could tell, but still, there was something in his voice as he said it and as he proceeded to race ahead to greet the mechanic who seemed in the process of removing a tank's tread unit piece by piece.
He was happy to see him.
"Gordez!" he shouted with an unmistakable enthusiasm as soon as the mechanic was within shouting range.
He turned, myself not quite at the point of recognizing the man by his face, especially with the safety goggles that covered his eyes, but more by his frame I'd been able to make out earlier. As soon as he raised them though, there was no mistaking him, reminding me some small bit of Mano, Dragon Platoon's resident earthbender.
I kept the thought to myself as Gordez approached, saying with a smile as he did, "Well fuck me; I had 5 silvers riding on your tank being the next we'd have to scrub the guts out of, but here you are in one piece." He gave Boss a friendly grasp of the shoulder, his eyes seeming barely to have registered me, and I felt at least in that moment a good few feet shorter than I already was.
I was used to being overlooked. Hell, that was how I survived in Citadel, but I preferred to be overlooked when intending to be overlooked. This, being a third wheel, it wasn't as much my taste, which wasn't to say I wished to be involved either as I hardly knew the mechanic and just barely was getting to know Boss. Even if I was called to join in, I'd hardly know what to say.
So, I did what I did best, and watched.
"Your own fault for losing," Boss said. "Should know us well enough by now to bet against us."
"Fact I know you too well is what makes me amazed you fuckers are still alive. And all accounted for too?"
Though he asked in jest, there was a complete honest curiosity behind wanting to know that all had made it out alive. There was no mistaking the care that existed between Gordez and the Shanzi's crew, much more the two right in front of me now I was beginning to detect.
Old friends? I wondered, realizing as soon as I did though that it was obvious. Before the siege? That was more a stretch, however. I knew from personal experience how little time it took to view somebody as family the moment you started sharing a foxhole with them.
But they don't share a foxhole, do they?
"All accounted for," Boss said with a nod. "And couldn't have done it without this little shit."
It took a second for me to realize that the 'little shit' he was referring to was in fact me, and just about as soon as I did realize, I was ready to stand at attention until realizing just barely on time that Boss wasn't a commanding officer calling for me to salute. The second or two between which he'd referred to me and would continue talking was just enough for me to wonder if there was anything I was supposed to say in that time, but fortunately, Boss would speak up again quick enough to take that burden off of me.
"Wouldn't have made it even a quarter of the way up the wall if it wasn't for him. Even when our turret was gone, this son of a bitch crawled onto the top of the tank to continue to give us fire support. Would all be dead if it wasn't for him."
That was…, I started to think, stammering for something to say or hell, something to think. That was praise. I wasn't quite used to that.
Gordez chuckled, and turned to me, saying, "Well; in that case, thanks for costing me five silvers, asshole." I knew he was kidding, and so I smiled, allowing him to finish by saying, "And I guess also for keeping this stupid son of a bitch alive for me."
I smiled back, and responded jokingly, "Well, if you want to show your thanks by maybe adding some more armor plating to the turret, I won't complain."
Gordez clicked his tongue and said in equal jest, "See now, I would, but that'd just make you too top heavy."
"With the amount of carrying I'm doing for the entire crew, I'd say we're already top heavy as we are."
"Okay okay," Boss intervened amidst Gordez's laughter. "Don't get cocky, asshole."
"So he finally earn having a name for himself after all that or is 'little shit' what you guys call him while he's busy saving your asses?"
Boss was going to speak, but considering they'd taken to actually calling me by who I was now for the last couple of days, I figured I was more than capable of now introducing myself. As such, I extended a hand for him to shake, saying, "Aegis," as I did, and he took it.
I almost felt of a heigh with him and Boss now. I wasn't, the two of them certainly older and having the stature to prove it, but at the very least, I didn't quite feel dwarfed by comparison, nor like a fly that'd been sitting on top of Shanzi's turret when first I'd observed Godez and Boss from a distance, the two of them likely with no inclination to learn my name as all signs pointed to me just being yet another casualty of the wall.
But that hadn't been the case. Not yet at least. But I didn't intend on dying, nor did I intend on letting another one of my crews get killed. Not again.
I wasn't sure if I could say that it was by merit of this new crew already being a family. They weren't. At least, not the way Gunji and Gan had been, but they'd been Citadel boys like me. That was different. Zek, Boss, Hizo, I didn't know what they were to me, but when I tried now to think of them the same way as I did Gan and Gunji, as Danev, Mano, the rest of the 114th, I couldn't.
And that was a good thing, I realized.
"Well I'd say you boys are in capable hands then," Gordez finished. "Hey they're serving up some stew little back behind the line. What say you boys? Fancy some hot food and maybe even a tent to spend the night that's not on the front?"
With the people who were family, I wasn't the same. I found myself worried about the most menial of things, of if the soldier who I saw 5 minutes ago was still alive, if Danev was somewhere doing fine for himself or if I should find my way to him in order to lend a hand. It was comradery, it was mutual protection, it was safety and protection alike, but it was a distraction, as horrible as it sounded.
And so as Boss eagerly took up the offer that I just barely heard in the haze of my mind, I realized that this too, it was wrong. There was no behind the line, no warm and comfort for the night, not when I could still hear the distant pound of artillery in the distance, not when others were still on the front while we were back here and there was still a wr to be fought.
"Aegis!" Boss's voice snapped into my ears. "You coming?"
"What about Zek and Hizo?" I asked.
Boss nodded, smiling, "Good point. Head back; invite them over too. We'll get some grub served for the three of you.
I nodded, though I stayed stood where I was for a few seconds longer as Boss and Gordez both turned to head towards the congregation of soldiers who seemed to be gathering already for a night of revelry in their latest victory.
I turned away from it, back towards our own little alcove by the trench's we'd captured rather than the rearguard tent city that'd been erected behind them. Past refueling and refitting tanks I walked, as well as past lively barracks awake with laughter, spitfires roasting what little wild game they came across, and as I walked more, our own artillery returning fire.
And too as I heard ours, I could heard the distant thunder of the Earth Kingdom's retreating artillery, pausing every few dozen yards they pulled back to send another volley our way just so as to discourage us from advancing. Few if any would hit, but such was the nature of defeat–sometimes you just shoot back to try and remind not the enemy, but yourself that you're still fighting.
And Zek and Hizo were no stranger to this. Unlike myself who'd been caught by surprise by that first volley today, they had made themselves rather comfortable, sitting with their backs to the side of Shanzi that I'd already cleaned of the muck and blood, laughing to one joke or another with one another until they saw me approach.
"Aegis!" the two boys called out. Zek then continued, "Were just talking about some old memories from back home. Sit, sit. Sure you've got some plenty exciting stories to tell yourself, yeah?"
They were drunk. Or at least, they were getting damn close if the overturned bottle on the ground was any indication. Where the hell had they gotten that? I wondered, figuring it though irrelevant.
"Plenty," I confirmed, leaning against the tank. "None I'm boutta tell though. Boss and Gordez are putting some hot food and sleeping arrangements ready for us behind the line near the motor pool. Want in?"
"Hot food?" Hizo asked, surprised. "They saw what food?"
"Think I smelled meat," I shrugged.
"Oh fuck this shit then," Zek said, pushing himself up immediately to try and stand, near falling back down on his ass if it hadn't been for Shanzi's port side catching him. "Beats listening to the Earth Kingdom failing miserably to shoot us at least. You in, Hizo?"
"They probably got firewine too," he said. "Damn right I am."
I saw Zek help his buddy up with a hand, the two walking past me now to begin their journey back, making it only a few steps before they turned back.
"Ya coming?" I heard Zek ask.
I hadn't realized that my sight had been entirely on the plains that stretched out ahead of me down the hill, having almost entirely forgotten why I'd come here in the first place. So for the second time in the night, I snapped out of my daze, turning my head back to say, "Yeah! Just give me a sec; I'll be right with you."
I looked back at them long enough to see them nod and turn before I did so myself. It was like being drawn into a hypnotic trance, the way that my vision became so fixated on nothing.
It was near total black ahead of me by merit of the night alone, but I could tell what lay behind that shroud of night by the occasional muzzle flash of stolen Fire Nation artillery pieces and the explosions of our return shells. I could make out the plains ahead, farmland that'd gone vacant for the winter and would see no replanting with our army now having occupied this stretch to wage its war. I saw the outline of a small village that would be reduced to ash before the month was done, and a forest I expected a similar fate too. I saw how far it stretched, the way the tops of trees lit up for every flaming boulder the Earth Kingdom hurled at us from within, that forest their best defense for as long as it stood, and I anticipated it wouldn't for long.
And that was only for the first mile. Beyond that, a river that trapped us, and beyond, more plains, more forests, more villages, towns, trench lines, and then another wall.
What the fuck are we celebrating? I thought.
It was a dumb question. One I knew the answer to. They celebrated because a day had passed, and they were still alive. It was a fair thing to celebrate. I wouldn't fault anybody for it; I wasn't that crass and insensitive to one's desire to be glad that they'd made it through another day from hell, but I told myself that they were just better equipped to make that transition to and from war.
I didn't believe myself to have that luxury. I fought for near every day of my life in Citadel, and when things had slowed down with the Hornets, and I'd let myself feel safe for too long, all had gone to hell. I'd nearly died, and almost all who I'd loved and cared about had died too. Then here, every break between battles, between patrols, I became less of what I had to be–a soldier through and through. That was how I survived, how I continued to do my job, how I continued to fight to make sure those around me wouldn't meet the same end as near everyone else I'd let myself care about.
I understood it, the Fire Nation understood it, and Jeong Jeong had understood it. I was put here to kill, and that was what I had to do. So until the Earth Kingdom laid down their arms and surrendered, or until there were none left to kill, this war wasn't over.
I didn't head back down the line. Not tonight. It was too late to continue cleaning Shanzi, and besides, I was tired.
I climbed up the side of her chassis as one might a bunk bed, and opening the hatch, I plopped into my gunner's seat, a familiar feel by now, surrounded by that which was mine–this world that was mine: a chair, a firing window, and all my personal belongings at my feet, what little that was.
Even closing Shanzi's hatch above me, I could still hear the distant thundershock of artillery, feel the way the ground shook ever so slightly with each blast, and found myself, strangely, almost comforted by it, that which was familiar, and with every passing day, was becoming the only thing I knew for sure.
I grabbed from my feet the only thing that I needed, a jacket back from Citadel still a size too big, but for the night, the perfect blanket.
I didn't mind the lack of a fire, the lack of a warm meal in my stomach. I'd done without these for years, but here, even with nothing to my name but a uniform, a rank, and a mission, I had more than I ever did before–a purpose.
Aegis, I thought to myself. My name that of a shield, a boundary in front of all others, sent here to kill so other wouldn't.
I closed my eyes, and listened to that drumbeat of explosions in the distant, dreaming already of when next I would be out there, when next I could remind myself of what I was–a soldier.