Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Warnings: Swearing, depressing thoughts, scatterbrainess

Beta very needed, PM if interested.

Reviewer replies: (thanks to all who did!)

wyteeth: Spot on to one of your possibilities!

lilLovelyanime: When I read your review, I legitimately cackled. One of your guesses was so very close yet just a bit off. The others, not so much. P.S. cliff hangers are fun to write.

JigokuShoujosRevenge: I'm glad too, took too many chapters to get out though...

LeechPrincess: Pretty much, lol~

AN at bottom.

Chap 3 Teenage Babies are (un)Observant Little Shits

Yay, I'm still human. Yippee, I'm still a girl. Booooo, goddamnit I'm a friggin' infant with possible back problems.

The first few (around six I think?) months of my new life was definitely not something I'm proud of, and screaming the first time I saw my er...ka-san's bigass (pet?) snake is a moment that I will forever bury in my brain. But then again, why the hell can a snake grow and shrink by will? And why, dear kami (great, this language is rubbing off on me), can he be so damn big? Geez, that isn't natural.

Nothing is "natural" anymore. Gahhh.

Some events like the aforementioned banshee screaming will hopefully be bleached from my brain by the time I'm two, but why, oh WHY, did I have to endure the same treatment as a baby?

Not having control of my bowel was just plain embarrassing, diaper changing included, and being fed in that way was not something I want to remember. Being baby burped (or whatever it's called) was equally as embarrassing. Then to add insult to injury, apparently the little control over my limbs that I was able to exert during my tenure as mayor of egg-ville was just a result of only being able to move my elbow in a single direction that doesn't involve smashing my fist against my face. For some reason, I was very motivated in not face-smashing at such a young age. Hmmm, I wonder why?

Therefore, even though I was out of the egg, my mobility was still greatly constrained (baby muscles suck). Constrained as in I can't even crawl, and only barely capable of rolling around like the bundle of fat that I am. At least there's always someone(/snake) with me, otherwise I would've been bored as hell and no one deserves to see the gimmicks a teenager stuck in a baby's body can get up to.

I swear, if I can get my face on you, I will gum on every inch of your head, hair included. Quite sure my da... tou-san found out the hard way, after he tried to cuddle me up to his face and ended up with me latched onto his nose. And bangs. Let's just say that he screamed and ended up getting sat on by my kaa-san when he tried to run away from his embarrassment. That said, it is not normal to start gumming at five months of age. Or growing canines before buck teeth for that matter.

How do I know I was five months old? Well, even learning languages can be fun when no other alternate solution to boredom can be found, and perhaps languages really can be picked up easily at a young age. Alas, science prevails! It also was an advantage that the man and woman that looked after me would try to teach me simple phrases and stuff, even though I haven't even reached the one year mark. For some reason, numbers are learned quicker than anything else, possibly because dad always makes a great big fuss when slowly counting up with his fingers in my face. I gummed on those too. Then again, the language spoken here is surprisingly reminiscent of Japanese, something I only recognized through watching anime and the battle movies between China and Japan that my mom used to watch. Right, and karate class where the katas generally had the number of which set it is from which series. I swear, knowledge comes from the weirdest places sometimes.

I only hope that learning this language will be easier than French (confusing chance of that, even though my understanding of the language now is reaching basic, understandable levels), but the possibility isn't too low. Language was never my forte, and I drop them too quickly. Hopefully the Mandarin that I once knew could aid in my quest to read or write, otherwise I cringe of the kanji that seems to impose itself onto my future.

No matter how long it takes to learn this language, I can completely believe that the mostly-black haired man and the long, dark-violet haired woman would be with me every step of the way, even if talking or writing are still both inaccessible options at the moment.

It… still hurt a bit to think of the both of them that look after me as my parents though. In my previous life, my parents were my anchors and I, along with my sister, were sometimes theirs, most of the time, my mom's. They were and always will be a large factor in how I behave and why I do what I do. In some ways, that will never change, even in another lifetime. Perhaps it helped a bit to think of my new parents using the language that is spoken here, but there's still a scar that still needs scabbing over, and it will probably stick around for the rest of this life.

For some reason, both of my new parents seem to be a bit different from the humans that I was accustomed too. Somehow, their skin is so pale that they resemble an albino Snow White, and their golden eyes (they aren't werewolves, I think) can be warm as spun sunlight, or sharper than a dissection knife. Kaa-san's eyes are a shade darker than tou-san's, but her hair is a lighter shade of violet than tou-san's black. If deep violet wasn't strange enough for an actual hair colour though, tou-san has two bangs, just two golden bangs that frame his face. The hair colour is completely natural too, I can vouch for them when I was gnawing on their heads.

The weirdness doesn't end there, people would think that nooo, humans can't be born with natural eye shadow. Well. People, meet my parents, who apparently are born with eye-shadow of unusual colours. Tou-san has a dark gold while kaa-san has a beautiful violet, if tou-san had a golden coloured snakey companion, I would say that there was a pattern. Alas, nope. Then to top it off, Kaa-san has white scales along the ridges of her finger and tou-san has the same along the outer edge of his forearms. I'm quite sure I have some too, with only a vague suspicion of where they are located. What is my life?

Then, as the cherry on this sundae of hell, their appearances (and Manda, you can't forget Manda) conjures up images of an evil mad scientist from a series where the final antagonist is an evil bunny goddess from the moon.

Welp. What are the odds?

Due to some reason, my parents aren't always around, but they stick around during most of my waking moments, with only a couple hours at most of my conscious periods spent without them. And those was the time frames when I had just woke up, groggy and then proceed to be freshly annoyed by the miniscule cloud of smoke (and fluctuation of energy) that accompanied their arrival. Strangely, there was little or no smoke when my other caretakers appear, even if the ping of energy can be vaguely felt, different as it is. Ignoring the above train of thought, the time spent with my parents was enough for me to know them as two of the most immature adults that I will ever had the pleasure of meeting. Thank god for my kaa-san's snake, otherwise I'll probably go bonkers.

Right, kaa-san has a snake, and it's curtsy to him that I found out the names of my parents during the first month of my existence. The snake, whose name is Manda as previously mentioned, introduced me to my parents in a rather roundabout way. One can only listen to a single word being thrown around (by a single snake) so much before realizing that it actually was a name, even if the language was still unknown. So, apparently my kaa-san's name is something like Aimamushi, (what a mouthful), then from her constantly laughing at my tou-san, discovered that his name is Mamoru.

Overall, it seems that Manda is constantly exasperated by my parents and honestly, I can't blame him.

Random fact about my kaa-san and Manda: they seem to be joined at the hip. Sometimes nearly literally, hence why I determined that Manda is kaa-san's "pet". The first time that I saw him (and proceeded to scream my head off), apparently he was lazy and didn't want to "shrink", because he can disappear in a poof of smoke and become this violet and black snake about two metres long. Then coiling around my mom and hanging his head off her shoulders. If I dare say so, he is quite adorable when he's mini sized. But otherwise, he can barely fit in the chamber that I presently live in.

Apparently I have a pet snake too. I'm quite sure that she is a she (remaining unconfirmed for now as I don't friggin understand pronouns), but the snake is very tiny, like, can barely wind around my waist tiny, and I'm an enfant. As for now, I'll just dub her as Azure, because of course everything I have is goddamn blue, or maybe because her actual name is too off the charts. Like, who names a blue snake Dōsukēru? Which means copper-scale? Then with my name being Suijami, which is probably something along the lines of water-snake-mi, there is most definitely something wrong with the naming process. Maybe the names were swapped? But then, it will somehow make even less sense. Therefore, my little blue companion will be dubbed Azure until further evidence of competent naming can be found.

Just as a side note, I think Azure is very pretty, much prettier than some of the other snakes that check-in on us. Her underbelly is a silver-cream colour and her back consists of a somewhat dark azure colour. Then, her tail has a single band of black that wrapped around in a loop, and somehow entwined before a white tail tip, much better than Manda's purple interspaced by black bands. But then again, they both have the same coloured green eyes, even if Azure's are a shade brighter.

The other snakes though, although there are some beauties here and there, most are rather normal looking, like rat-snakes, or corn snakes from before. And then there are the white ones. Long, sleek, and golden-pupiled, the white ones are all sights to be gawked at (at least, that's what I did the first time I saw one). They rarely stuck around, and so far I was able to count six, each with a different pattern of coloured markings around their eyes and different degrees of horn-growth. For some reason, they all radiated a sense of power, and the energy seemed to welcome them like a long-lost friend, gathering around the white snakes in an invisible haze. I respected them (somehow), but faced down by their seemingly judgemental stares, I also feared them, as does Azure.

Possibly that's why I can no longer consider the snakes as "pets", because they are far too intelligent to be just, you know, pets. Not to mention the fact that pets generally don't talk, or take care of infants when the parents aren't around. Yeah, why not give snakes vocal chords too? This place isnt weird enough as is.

Now might be a good time to mention that other than my parents, pretty much the only interactions that I had with intelligent life was the previously mentioned snakey babysitters. A very random thought connected to this den of snakes that I live in is that honestly, they all smell weird.

The first few months or so of my life was the time period where I virtually ignored everything (except for Azure, Manda and my parents). I slept in a blue(why won't it leave me alone) crib with Azure wound around my wrist or just resting by my side, occasionally being picked to be fed, played with, carried around, or other baby stuff. Therefore, I will wipe that period of time from my memory, useless and embarrassing recollections are not needed.

Now, seven months after hatching, I was still stuck eating "food" (slime), and Azure, who was swallowing insects such as grasshoppers and crickets in her younger stages, graduated to now feeding on tiny mice, freshly killed with a burst of energy courtesy of my parents. Unlike yours truly, she didn't need to eat every day and was quite mobile in the crib. If it weren't for the fact that she was also confined by the same too-high blue walls, I would probably be quite jealous of her "freedom".Or as jealous as anyone in my position could be, which in reality wasn't as much as I would've thought.

As per usual, human faces or snake heads randomly popped by time-to-time to check on me and my little pal when they think I'm asleep, but most times it's just my parents and Manda. They would carry us around, of course, but for some reason when they were holding us they never left the chamber, resulting in the two of us only knowing the inside of the room for at least seven months.

The room (snake den) was also amazingly spacious, but the lighting seemed a bit dark considering the fact that there were only a couple snake-like torches that burned with blue(?) fire. The walls were wooden and were a beige-ish brown, carvings out of beautiful coloured minerals and gemstones adorned the ceiling. Three guesses of what they are, the first two don't count.

The floor also appeared to be made of wood, but of a darker brown and not completely sanded down. This was (unfortunately) discovered through personal experience. At least it wasn't cement?

What I'm trying to say is this. I've been stuck in a room for the seven months of my new life, the room is warm and cozy, there are way too many snakes, my parents are weird, I don't give a shit anymore, and I really, really need fresh air.

Ask, and it shall be given.

And of course Murphy's third law comes along and effs it all up.

Sorry about the delay and the slow chapter, but the timeline is being a little shit and I need a beta. At least the chapter is longer?

Hopefully, this fic will be updated every second Saturday or something, but RL gets in the way. A lot. I'm uploading as I'm writing (so edits are gonna happen), but things will actually start moving on in the next chapter, yay!

Please leave a review on the way out, criticism and pointing out errors are appreciated, but please don't flame. Thanks for reading! And to everyone who reviewed, favourited, or followed, I love you all!

Happy Canada Day!

~Cadriona Morningwing

Uploaded July 1, 2016