Mantessa. Not an hour had passed since they arrived and Fives was already drenched. Hefty raindrops may have been sliding off the plastoid's surface, but the armour did not protect him from the hot, humid air that made him sweat. The entire Torrent Company trod through the thick forest, heavy feet wading in deep puddles, splashing mud up their calves. Fives figured it was better to get used to it, given the conditions were likely to remain that way for the next few days of their stay, or however long the mission lasted.
They prepared for a long trek to retake one Republic outpost after another, reclaiming every facility that had been seized by the Separatists. The dense flora wasn't allowing the use of any speeders or scout walkers, leaving walking as the only option. No one really knew what they would face on the planet as all contact with Republic forces had been severed, leaving heavy rain as the only certainty. Many had already lost their optimism, their mood as gloomy as the sky above, but Fives reckoned that all of this was compensated for by the view of blue-white lekku swaying in the wind a few metres before him.
His thoughts kept shifting between the rain-soaked present and everything that had happened on their 'date'. Fives knew that the kiss made the case of his feelings even more complicated than they'd been yet he wouldn't trade the memory for anything. It was a daydream he loved to escape to, basking in the warmth it was evoking inside of him. The memory suddenly popping into his mind in the middle of different tasks had earned him a few scoldings or mocking jabs but Fives hardly cared. He spent two days intently wondering what the kiss meant. Whether it was at least half as significant to Ahsoka as it was to him. He might not know much about her love life, although he did wonder about it quite a bit, but he knew her well enough to be aware that she wasn't the kind of person to casually bestow others with kisses.
Fives had been thinking for a long time about what to tell Ahsoka once they met. Yet he could have all the time in the world and it still wouldn't be enough to plan the perfect scenario of what he was supposed to say. He didn't have anyone to get advice from either. Fives was so desperate to seek a second opinion, that he even thought of preparing some half-fake story so he could talk to Jesse, but nothing he had thought of made any sense even in his own head.
But the day of their meeting came anyway and it was nothing Fives had hoped for. Between the first glance on the Resolute board and the moment they set foot on Mantessa, there weren't many opportunities to have a private conversation. Fives wasn't sure how to go around the situation between them. He was struggling to figure out the best way to approach the subject, however, Ahsoka didn't seem to have the same problem. She didn't even waver before calling his name and throwing a cheeky retort as she walked past him in the corridors. So the kiss must've been a sign of friendship, after all. Because they were friends. The very best ones.
In the little time they spent between the briefings, neither really addressed the kiss. Not that it was some casual subject that would just come up in a conversation. Just as it wasn't possible to be carefreely brought up in the noisy hangar or a gunship full of soldiers. But Fives got the impression that it wasn't the main reason and shouldn't expect whatever conversation his delusional brain had projected. Though maybe it was for the better. The last thing he'd want is for things to be awkward between the two of them. And now, even though circumstances may be less than favourable, he was just happy he could spend time with her. Be that treading through a muddy forest or not.
As much as his love life had been occupying his mind during the day, with equal intensity the post-Hoth fears had been bothering him each time lights went off in the barracks. Sleepless nights seemed to be his standard fare now and nothing worked to cast the mares away. No amount of breathing exercises or physical extortion was enough to convince his brain to rest peacefully. Fives even tried taking soporifics but they left him distant and dizzy throughout the day which was not an option. So he left his mind fenceless, letting all the nightmares in and those returned even bolder and more elaborate. Falling asleep resembled a lottery where he could only guess whose screams were going to echo through his head this time.
Initially, Fives was simply annoyed. Waking up in the middle of the night with sweat pouring down his face was irritating. Exposing massacre in the separatist's base once was already too much, every replay in his dreams was plain excessiveness. Then came the fear. Yet not of the nightmares themselves - Fives was scared because the situation seemed to slowly slip from under his control and with each restless night he was growing tired and even more helpless. What he had been put through on Hoth was a traumatic experience, Fives was enough of a man to admit that. But it wasn't the first trauma he'd experienced. So why wouldn't this just go away?
What Fives did take pride in, was the fact that he managed to keep his poor sleep schedule to himself and himself only. When sharing a life space with dozens of brothers, having a secret wasn't an easy task, but he managed. Every night he was stifling his sharp inhales and shuddered breaths while staring at the dark mattress above. Not that anyone suspected anything. There were no witnesses to what had happened in the facility. At least none that was conscious during the whole ordeal or lived long enough to pass the run of events to somebody else. The truth was buried under the snow and Fives doubted anyone would ever bother to dig that deep.
Despite bitter feelings towards the way the past was harassing him, Fives recognised the humorous aspect of the situation he'd found himself in. 'Cause while he was doing his best to forget, everyone else believed the mission was his moment of glory - the soldier who blew up the entire compound almost single-handedly. Fives could still feel the soreness of his jaw after all the times he gritted his teeth while listening to eager congrats from fellow troopers. But it was in the past now. And he had more important things to focus on.
"You're falling behind." Ahsoka suddenly turned around, pulling him from his thoughts. She stopped in the middle of the road with hands on her hips, waiting for him to catch up. "What happened to your moves, my Dancing Star?" She said cheekily once he joined her.
"I guess the nickname is sticking then?"
Ahsoka shrugged her shoulders. "I like it, it has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
Fives had nothing against the nick, in fact, he was quite fond of it, especially the 'my' part. He liked to think of himself as hers. Whatever the part may be: subordinate, friend or a Dancing Star.
"I could've done worse, I suppose." He responded eventually.
"You still can. So do not tempt me." Ahsoka pointed a threatening finger at him.
"Wouldn't dare." He chuckled lightly. With Ahsoka by his side and the conversation going, it was easier to bear with the monotony of the trek. Though crossing over the fallen trees or bending under thick branches was getting to him.
"What's been keeping you up all night that you're so tired?" Ahsoka asked after a few minutes. "Gambling with Jesse again?" The question took him aback a bit. Fives knew he wasn't in his best shape but hoped that it wasn't that apparent. But then again, his hopes lately had a tendency to be futile.
"Something like that." He responded blandly.
Ahsoka looked at him curiously, surprised by his vague answer. Usually, Fives boasted about the score or blamed his brother for cheating, but this time he remained silent. She couldn't read anything from his face either, since dark circles under his eyes were covered by an even darker visier. Eventually, Ahsoka gave up and looked away.
"Just next time count me in."
"Of course." He assured her. "I'm sure you missed the feeling of losing your money to me."
"Me losing to you? Yeah, I definitely missed your sense of humour." She grinned but then her commlink beeped and the smile quickly faded from her face. "That's my cue." Ahsoka said with a tint of disappointment. This was where their paths parted until Torrent reunited after taking over the outpost. "See you after the battle?" She saluted half-heartedly.
"Yeah, see ya." Fives returned the gesture and watched her walk away. It wasn't long before her silhouette disappeared into the forest.
Fives quickly lost sense of time, especially since the surroundings weren't changing one bit. He thought he was walking dead last, most of the troops way up ahead so far that he couldn't even notice them behind the dense bush. But there was a soldier who went as slow as Fives did. A few metres to his left there was a figure matching his stride, almost mirroring his own steps. What set them apart was the fact that the person was upright, with his head held high, with a clear purpose that even the flora seemed to understand, as it almost parted before him, clearing his path. Fives tried to recognise the brother that was accompanying his miserable walk but from the distance, he couldn't figure out the armour's markings. Thunder rumbled above him, instantly drawing Fives' gaze to the sky, which couldn't be seen from down there. Once he turned back to the trooper, Fives was alone again.
His mind was hazy and muscles felt slack. Even the adrenaline from the approaching battle couldn't wake him up, only the repetitive whacks of large leaves smacking his helmet were bringing him back from the tired haze. He knew they were getting closer to the outpost, it was apparent in every trooper's move as their steps became more cautious. They started treating big leaves and bushes not as an obstacle anymore but taking advantage of their presence as a cover. Fives took his position behind the general, alongside Tup and Jesse, repeating in his head each step of their plan to take over the facility.
Skywalker's clenched fist congealed in the air, making the whole battalion halt in their step. The forest seemed to still too, only the distant whistle of a wind swaying the highest treetops. They crouched in bushes, nerves on standby until the first swish of a blaster bolt tore the silence. The cacophony of firing weapons, blasts and screams overtook every thought that could spring into Fives' mind. From now on his body acted on its own, relying only on reflexes.
Everything was going according to the plan - one team took care of the Separatist forces outside, while the other entered the facility. The corridors were already lit up in alarming red lights; sounds of battle outside silenced by steel walls. Fives followed the squad, trying hard to take down every droid before the shots could be aimed at him.
His mind wasn't in the right place, though. Adrenaline helped but it wasn't enough boost to substitute for the week's worth of sleep. He could feel his instincts weren't as sharp, movements as fast as they used to be. So when all the troopers fell to the floor around the corner, he was still standing. The ground shook and he saw flames flash towards him and then he was crushed to the floor by a force.
"What the kark, Fives?!" Jesse cursed loudly. "You have a death wish?"
Fives' head was spinning and heart hammering but he managed to sit up after Jesse had yanked him away from the explosion. He turned his head and looked at the bright flames burning the place he had been standing seconds ago.
"I owe you." Fives rasped, suddenly feeling more awake than he'd ever been.
"Yeah, big time. Come on."
Now that their passage was on fire, the squad had to take the long way. Rex informed them by a comm that the outpost was mostly secured, so prison was the only place that had to be taken care of. Tup rolled electricity-suppressing devices and once they heard a clunk of droids hitting the floor, they moved towards the cell. Doors open with a swoosh and five heads inside shot upwards. Fives reeled at the sight of the clones' massacred faces. They were covered in wounds, some of which already started to heal on their own in a way that was going to leave a nasty scar. Once he recovered from the initial shock, he moved quickly to help them out of the cell.
"Are there any more hostages?" Brody asked when each brother managed to get out into the corridor.
"Besides us there's only bodies of former prisoners." The man leaning on Tup's shoulder answered dryly.
Fives exchanged a look with Jesse; neither had to take off the helmet to know what the other was thinking.
"Come on, brother, we've got you." Jesse said and they moved on, leaving the dark room behind.
The battle went well but it didn't go without casualties. Troopers were walking around and securing the perimeter, checking the separatist weapons and trying to reprogram them for their own use. Kix and Coric had plenty of work patching up the troopers as not only the prisoners were in bad shape. Some were just smeared with blood, too busy to clean the armour, leaving this task to the raindrops falling from the cloudy sky. But Fives caught a glimpse of a trooper different from others. Sure, everyone was individual but this one was extremely peculiar, standing perfectly still, not bothered to help any party. His head was covered by the helmet but Fives couldn't shake the feeling that the clone was looking straight at him. Fives looked at the man's shiny armour, following the flow of the markings. Blue lines down the arms, ending with spear-like blades. He hadn't seen these since…since frost and snow accompanied his every move. Fives took a step back, nearly tripping on the muddy ground. He wiped his visor from the watery smears but that didn't change the fact that Lester was standing on the same ground, only a few metres apart from him.
As the rain hit the plastoid, blue paint began to fade, being replaced by crimson smudges, as if raindrops were washing the illusion away and revealing the reality. Lester took a step forward. Then another one. Leaves were hitting his bloody armour as he tore forward. Every step Lester took forward Fives was taking backwards, desperately trying to maintain the distance. Until his back crashed into someone else. Boxes dropped to the ground, falling into puddles and splashing mud around.
"Hey! Look where you're going." The person snapped.
Fives didn't even murmur apologies, immediately turning towards Lester but saw nothing. He looked around, searching in panic, but as expected, dead people tend to stay dead. Guess, tiredness must've really been getting to him if he thought that death was anything else than a one-way ticket. It was best to take some work to get his mind off delusions. And so Fives started by picking the boxes from the ground.
Fives bit down on his lip as Tup's elbow once again struck his ribs. The mess in the outpost was rather small so no wonder that with at least half a Torrent Company trying to wedge inside it was packed. Since the rain hadn't stopped, men took the privilege of spending a few hours inside before settling in the tents for the night. It wasn't the most comfortable Fives had ever been but it was a better option than getting soaked outside. Fives still was fortunate enough to get a place on a bench and not like some troopers who were splayed on the floor. But that didn't change the fact that he envied the spot on the opposite side of the canteen where Ahsoka was squeezed between Chase and Brody, talking about something he couldn't hear.
"Surprising they kept you alive that long." Rex said to the soldiers rescued from the prison. Many people were trying to at least catch a snippet of their conversation, but the captain didn't seem bothered by being the centre of attention. "Clankers aren't in the habit of keeping hostages."
"They're not. Unless you have something they need." Bress tapped his temple with index finger. "But let me assure you they're not great hosts." The same digit that mere seconds before was touching his forehead now slid to the nasty burn that stretched from the side of his eye down his neck to disappear underneath his blacks. Fives supposed that despite every clone's strive for individuality, this wasn't how Bress had wanted to stand out.
"So what now?" Jesse asked from the other side of the room. "You coming with us to take back other outposts?"
"Nah, we ought to secure this post, preferably better this time."
Fives didn't really follow the rest of the conversation. A dozen voices became a dull background as he stared into his mug. Bright lights were reflecting on the caf's uneven surface as if an earthquake was shaking the cup but in fact, it was just the trembling of his hand. He enveloped the vessel in both palms, annoyed that he couldn't even be in control over something as fragile as a mug. His vision became blurry from mindlessly boring his eyes into his wavering grip. Then a metallic clank pierced his ears.
His helmet rolled on the floor with a dull clash, nearly falling into an abyss. The red diodes blinking in alarm slowly morphed into clammy, crimson trickles but he had nothing to cover his face from their reach. Fives felt crashing pain in his forearm and the rapid rhythm of his heart as a blade grazed his neck. The images were flashing before his eyes until another slam brought the end to them.
Fives stood with hands empty and the metal mug by his feet, along with remnants of his caf spilt all over the floor. There were small puffs of steam as the hot drink met the chill ground.
"Take it easy, man." Bress said but he wasn't the only one that cast a gaze at Fives. "It's just a fork." The man pointed to an object on the flooring that must have slipped out of someone's hands.
"Can't really blame him. After days on the front cutlery does seem foreign." Sanch commented which evoked many chuckles in the room.
Fives needed a few seconds to realise where he really was as his brain had barely registered the last few minutes. He let out a forced exhale, his hand twitched and the next thing he knew he was taking quick steps out of the mess.
"Hey, where're you going?" Tup's question caught him before he reached the exit.
"Need some air." Fives threw over his shoulder and walked out from the canteen before anyone had time to ask anything more.
Fives was striding fast, fueled by anger and frustration. The echo of his boots in the empty corridors was nearly as loud as the turmoil breaking inside his head. He didn't halt until he got outside and reached the very edge of the roof, heavy raindrops now missing his nose by millimetres. The outpost was surrounded by their camp but no one was reckless enough to stay outside. He watched in solitude how rain washed down the muddy stains from the tents' flaps, wishing the taint on his mind could vanish as easily. Nightmares were one thing, certainly nothing out of the ordinary that would make him any special. But this? This was surpassing the line of sanity and it was a border he'd never wanted to cross.
Fives heard a rustle behind his back but he was too familiar with the sound of his armour to know that the person behind him wasn't a brother. He also knew Ahsoka was more than capable of sneaking up unnoticed so she must've intentionally kept her footsteps louder so as not to startle him.
"Fives." Ahsoka spoke up when he didn't show any sign of acknowledging her presence. "Care if I join?"
"Sure, go ahead." He replied blandly, not shifting his stare from the darkening forest. They stood in silence broken only by the sound of raindrops hitting the roof.
"There's something special about the rain." Ahsoka said after a few minutes. "How, over time, it can sculpt even the hardest rocks. Even if we can't see the difference from day to day." Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that she was leaning against the twin pillar to the one he was standing next to. Fives didn't know if he should nod in agreement, simply out of courtesy, when he didn't really understand what she was saying. No shame in admitting that he'd never observed any rocks. "But I guess in a couple of days we all are gonna get tired of the downpour." She said with a slight chuckle.
"Think I'm already tired." He murmured mindlessly. A small puff of mist appeared in front of his face and his shoulders slumped.
"No one can blame you for it, it was a long day." He heard her reassuring voice and felt her eyes on him. "Just so you know… You're not alone. It's okay to say that you're not feeling well."
"I'm fine." He said dismissively. "I can take care of myself."
"Yes, of course." Ahsoka nodded quickly. "I just wanted to let you know that if there was anything you'd want to talk-"
"There isn't." He spat before she could finish. One glance at Ahsoka's face was enough to realise that he was too harsh. Fives realised that nothing good would come out of this conversation so before he could harm her any further he said: "I'll be off to bed. Goodnight." And after past minutes of staring at the hefty raindrops, now he could feel them on his skin as he stepped into the rain.
It didn't take long to find his tent. He was the first one to tuck inside the small space he was going to share with six more brothers. Fives was actually glad of that fact, supposing that falling asleep in silence would be easier. Not that he had anything to worry about in the first place. Just like he said to Ahsoka - there was nothing. Nothing to talk about, therefore no reason to fear closing his eyes. He knew exactly what was waiting for him in his sleep, the nightmares weren't very complex or original. He knew how everything was going to go, with him one step from death and a blade pressed to his neck. Some details may differ but overall they headed to the same conclusion. What mattered was that he just had to get some sleep - even Fives knew he couldn't go much longer like that. The action with Jesse that day was first and the last. No more slip-offs.
He tried to calm himself and slow his breathing but the stuffy air wasn't helping. Fives put the bedding aside with a sigh. Any cover was redundant in this humid climate. Hefty droplets run down his forehead. Ever since he set foot on this damn planet he was constantly wet - if it wasn't for the heavy rain then it was the sweat.
Angrily, Fives wiped a hand across his face. He started losing faith in whether he would be given some rest. The air inside the tent was heavy, making each inhale more exhausting than it should be. Fives debated whether to go outside and do anything more productive than rolling on his bedding. Sleep was unlikely to come at hand but he knew that once he got out of the tent, forcing himself to once again tuck in would be even harder. But then he heard an indefinite sound that caught his attention enough to make his intent clear.
Fives went out as he was - without his helmet, upper armour or weapon. It was no surprise that it was still raining but it was the first time he felt the water soaking through his shirt. He didn't care, he had long since stopped worrying about it. Fives tried to focus on the disturbing sound, separate it from the rain's rumbling and locate its source. He moved through the bushes, occasionally tripping over protruding roots since the surroundings were covered in darkness. He should've been alarmed by it since the lamps were supposed to be set up around the camp, but now when the sound he was chasing began to resemble a broken sobbing, he was in no place to worry about electricity cut-offs.
With each step he took, the crying was growing louder. A choked whimper came to his ears a second before he walked past a tree and noticed a fragile figure crouching on the ground.
"Ahsoka?" He called but that didn't seem to have any impact on her. Just like the fact that her clothes were completely drenched.
The girl's face was buried in her hands, yet he managed to hear her faint mumble. "Why?"
"Ahsoka, what's wrong?" His heartbeat raced as he took a step further in her direction. Ahsoka wasn't one to cry over something trivial and he doubted it was because of their previous quarrel. Fives hoped she would look at him but Ahsoka shook her head and pressed her palms harder to her face. "Come on, you know you can trust me." He said calmly even though he felt anything but.
"Then why? Why Fives? Why did you do this to me?" She choked pitifully. Her hands started trembling until they fell limply to her knees. The insides of her palms were dripping with blood, mirroring the crimson stains on her cheeks.
Fives reeled backwards, feeling the pain in the hand he clenched into a fist, but his whole attention was focused on the girl. At first, he had assumed that the cuts on her palms had left red stains on her cheeks. But now, as Ahsoka was boring her eyes at him, he could clearly see that it was the bloody tears running down her face that caused all this gore.
"You could've told me." She whined. "You could've told me everything. Instead you did this." She outstretched her sticky from blood hand and pointed at his fist. Only then did he realise that his hand was curled around a knife and its blade was smeared in blood.
"No." He immediately threw the weapon aside. It fell into a puddle and instantly tainted the water red. "No no no no no. I didn't. It's not-" He stammered, trying to convince both Ahsoka and himself that this wasn't true but the red tears started rolling down her face once again. "Ahsoka I-"
"You could've just told me." She choked out between the sobs.
His chest heaved rapidly, even though his lungs seemed to be clenching tighter and tighter. Ahsoka's painful whimper was growing louder, as she continued to futilely wipe the blood from her cheeks. Fives clenched his eyes shut, trying to concentrate solely on taking deep enough breaths that might prevent him from fainting. But his efforts were in vain. It was too much and he felt so helpless.
When Fives finally managed to gasp for air, he found himself back inside the tent.
Fives' eyes frantically searched around the dark interior, trying to find an anchor that would prove that this was the reality. The same green bedroll, the same humid air. His mind quickly returned to the scenario it had projected, trying to understand what he'd just seen. Because this? This was different. He'd never thought he'd have missed the old, predictable nightmares where he knew how things end.
Fives rolled over to lay flat on his back. A single droplet ran from the corner of his eye and disappeared in his hairline. The rest of the night he spent watching the tent's dark rooftop.
The thing Fives hated the most on long campaigns was food. Or rather a pathetic substitute for it. He was lazily chewing on a ration which was supposed to taste like nuna jerky with Tup's rant serving as a background. It wasn't like he'd intended to ignore Tup's complaints about the night shift, his mind simply drifted away to the regular taps of raindrops against the tarp above him.
"...that was when those vulture-like shits came out of nowhere. I had to wake Kix up to patch us." Tup pouted at the bandage wrapped around his palm.
"Sounds rough, mate." Fives said blandly, hoping the response was at least somewhere adequate to the story he stopped listening to a few minutes ago.
The two of them were sitting by a tree, watching the others either finish their breakfast or pack up stuff to prepare for the departure. Fives struggled to keep his eyes open and even the caf in his hand couldn't help him. It has been like this for a while now. At night his mind was on high alert for the slightest rustle, evoking terrifying images of death - his or anyone he cared about. By day, however, his brain was hazy and sluggish. Even though it was a time when death was truly feasible. Just like that moment when a heavy mass collided with his side.
"Morning sunshine." Jesse crashed into him, causing the drink to spill from Fives' mug and a curse to escape his lips. "Looks like someone forgot to get their beauty sleep." Jesse mocked.
"Still looking better than you." Fives grumbled, trying to clean the armour from the caf stains but quickly gave up, realising the rain would do it soon anyway.
"This time I'm with Jesse on that." Tup eyed him sceptically. "You look like death and it was me who had the night shift."
Fives would normally be quick to throw a retort but this time he didn't have the energy to do so. Dan and Brody joined their little shelter and Fives was just happy that the conversation flew forward without the need for him to be a part of it.
"Oi, Fives." Dan suddenly called, his voice accompanied by a quiet rustle. "You know you're dying, right?"
"What?!" Fives' blood ran cold while he stared at his brother with absolute fright. Dan's eyes looked empty as if he was the one that would drag Fives to the other side. But then Fives blinked and instead of void, Dan's gaze was filled with confusion.
"I just asked if you wanted more caf." He raised his hand higher, indicating the flask. "You here bro?"
"Yeah, right." Fives tried to slow down his heartbeat. "Caf sounds good." He took the vessel even though he was sure he'd just gotten his morning dose of adrenaline and overdosed.
"Get up, lads. Brunch's over." Rex crossed his hands over his chest as he approached their assemblage. His brothers grumbled under their breaths, but Fives thought that maybe it was for the better. He put the helmet on his head. At least like that, he wouldn't be scaring people with the dark circles under his eyes - he supposed he wasn't the only one who feared death.
It was a long and tiring journey with no end in sight. Heavy bags weighed on his back, but the real challenge was lifting his eyelids after each slow blink. Not even the chilly morning wind nor low branches smacking his arms were able to break him out of this lethargy. But then a blaster bolt swished through the air and the next thing Fives saw was Trac falling to the ground. It was like a bucket of cold water and it made him go completely rigid. Fives caught a glimpse of Kix's armour kneeling by the body but quickly turned away after the medic shook his head with sadness. The sound of blasters being unlocked echoed around him, and then the world went silent as everyone looked around in anticipation for the next shot. But the attack never came.
"It must've been a trap." He heard Ahsoka's voice nearby but his eyes were caught on the figure lying in the grass. It was naive of Fives but he had thought it was too early for anyone to die that day. "We can't go and just 'watch our step'. It's too risky."
"Then let's clear the path first." Skywalker said seriously. "Two squads will check what's going on. Rex, Tup - with me. Brake, Fives, Jesse you go with Ahsoka."
They left their baggage and moved after the officers. General's silhouette quickly disappeared inside the forest and out of Fives' eyeshot. He was following the green glow of Ahsoka's sabers, as she led the way, checking the path with her every sense.
"Don't move." She warned sternly. "There's a mine." The three of them halted in place but Ahsoka slowly took a step further. He watched as she cautiously approached the bomb but before her feet managed to touch the ground, he heard a quiet beeping. Fives instantly knew what it meant and so did Ahsoka. "Run!"
Fives instinctively shot forward, there wasn't even a second to think through his actions. He managed to run a few metres but the explosion caught him anyway and shoved him against a tree. He groaned in pain but figured out Ahsoka must've suppressed the force of detonation, 'cause otherwise, his bones wouldn't have been intact. With a grunt, Fives rose to his feet and just as he thought he was safe, the volley of red streaks flew in his direction. He ducked behind a trunk, quickly trying to locate the enemy but even the scanners in his HUD were of little use in such a dense forest, now blurred with smoke from the explosion. The next salvo of blaster bolts flew his way and while Fives didn't like shooting blindly, he had no choice but to count on luck.
"Fives, are you alright?" Jesse's voice sounded through the comm. "Where are you?"
"I'm fine." He responded. "Enjoying new company."
"I'll be-'' Jesse's sentence was cut just like heavy branches above Fives' head which now tumbled right onto him. He jumped away, succeeding in avoiding the blow but ended up rolling over the muddy ground.
"Jess? Jesse!" Fives tried to contact him but there was no answer or signal. What he could hear was a few shouts and gunfire from a distance but in his current situation, Fives barely was able to help himself, not to mention others. The metallic scrape was followed by more bolts cutting through the air and Fives knew he had to face these alone.
He darted out from behind the tree and sent shots which caused the two battle droids to fall and sink in the mud. The only thing Fives knew was that he didn't want to end the same way. The words 'fear not for the future, weep not for the past' swirled mindlessly in his head.
There were more shots but he didn't even know where those came from. He had the impression he was surrounded and couldn't see the way out. Fives was breathless, the Mantessa's air was heavy and hard to breathe from the beginning but with the dark smoke, it was more suffocating than life-bringing. He felt drops trickling down his face, from the forehead down his cheek and chin. Panic rose in his chest as the memories crept into his brain. Fives had to remind himself that he had a helmet, he wasn't hurt and the droplets which now fell onto his lips were salty and deprived of metallic taste.
He pressed his back against the tree trunk, helplessly trying to catch his breath. His thoughts returned to Trac, reminding him that there was no such thing as dying too early or too unfairly on the battlefield. There were no second chances, and as he stood terrified, with hands shaking, he knew he was also wasting his first.
Fives forced his feet to move. From one tree to another, he pushed further, always making sure he had cover and that he didn't forget to breathe. At each slightest sound, his heart was picking its pace but that didn't stop him. He just kept going. However, with every turn around which he didn't encounter any droid, the anxiety seemed to escalate in him. Because there always was something; waiting for him only to prey upon his weakness.
Fives heard a rumour and abruptly turned that way. Relief washed over him as the two metres afar wasn't a droid but a person clad in armour. He had to take a breath to let that fact sink inside his chest. Not an enemy, just a soldier. But then the clone trooper took off the helmet and in a split second Fives' two blasters raised to Lester's face.
"Whoa! Calm down." Jesse raised his hands in the air in surrender. "And shove these away from my face." The man pointed at the guns aimed at his face. Fives only now realised how tightly his palms were clenched around the blasters but even more concerning was the fact that seconds passed since he crossed his eyes with Jesse and still had trouble lowering the weapons. He could've sworn it was Lester, a dead man, who he had pointed at. It did sound insane, and that's how Fives felt while he had a target on his friend. But that didn't stop his hands from shaking while he struggled to set down the guns.
"Boys?" Ahsoka asked from behind him. "Everything all right there?" Fives didn't know what she saw from the distance but it certainly didn't look right from either perspective.
"All clear, sir." Jesse shouted back to her. "Just some serious trust issues." The snarl was quieter and directed only to Fives who was tucking blasters into holsters with trembling hands. The weapons had never felt as heavy as they did now.
Jesse walked past him, not missing the occasion to jostle his shoulder. Fives guessed he deserved more than that. He turned around to follow Jesse's steps but was met with Ahsoka's concerned gaze. He made sure to keep his head up high and not to make eye contact. That didn't fool her though.
"Fives, are you ok?"
"Yeah. Never been better." He mumbled as he walked past her. He just wanted to get the hell out of here, before he got the second chance to raise pistols at the wrong person.
Though the traps had been disabled, they didn't make it much further that day. As much as they had gotten used to the constant rainfall and had learned to endure it and push on, the storm that had come hindered their hike permanently. The sunrays rarely had a chance to penetrate through the many layers of branches and vegetation of all kinds, but now the forest has become as dark as night. Raindrops turned into hail, heavy white bullets smashing into their armour with such force that Fives expected bruises to appear on his skin afterwards. How ironic - the Torrent Company was struggling in a rainstorm.
There was no use settling up the tents which would likely fly away in the harsh wind. So they just sat underneath more stable trees, simply waiting for the storm to pass. Fives was staring numbly at the fluttering leaves when a hand reached out and passed him a ration bar.
"Thanks." He said as Jesse took a seat beside him with a sigh. The ground couldn't soak up any more water and began to look more and more like a stream. Fives started toying with the small packet in his hands, not feeling the slightest desire to actually eat it.
"You've been acting off lately. Something wrong?" Jesse asked but he was barely audible through the thunder's rumble.
"No, what could it be?" Fives responded without taking his eyes off the shiny wrapping.
"Beside ice smashing onto our heads? No idea. That's why I'm askin'." Surprisingly, Fives didn't catch any traces of anger in Jesse's voice. But then again, he couldn't rule out that it was because of the thunder drowning him out.
"No worries." Fives assured blandly. "Guess it's just the rain that makes me cranky."
Even if Jesse didn't buy this poor excuse, he didn't say anything.
Eventually, the storm ceased, leaving broken branches and feet-deep puddles. It was late and everyone was exhausted, even despite fighting a battle only with the weather. Everybody was busy setting the camp for the night, but Fives couldn't shake the feeling that someone's eyes were following his every move. He started looking around, through the soldiers putting up the tents or carrying heavy boxes.
There he was. Far in the forest, the dark figure, foreign but at the same all too familiar. Blood stains were all over the armour but even the storming downpour couldn't wash them away.
"Fives? Where are you going?" Jesse asked, as Fives suddenly moved away from whatever he'd been doing.
"Just wanna check something." He said, his gaze focused on one target. "'ll be back in a minute."
As he went further into the forest everything else seemed to quiet down. Fives couldn't hear the bustle surrounding the camp, voices fading into the distance until it was just him and the man who had once been his brother.
"What do you want from me?" Fives demanded. He was dead set on finally getting some answers, no matter how empty Lester's gaze may be. "I'm not the one who killed you, so if you seek revenge you've got the wrong address." He said bluntly and watched how Lester's head tilted to the side.
"You may not have been the cause of my death," Even though he was whispering, every word was echoing in Fives' head. "but you will be yours."
"I'm not scared." Fives said, struggling for confidence.
"You should be."
"If you're here to haunt me with some fake prophecy-"
"I don't need to haunt you." Lester interrupted him roughly. "Soon you will come to me, brother."
"You're dead. You're not real." Fives shook his head. He was trying to reason but Lester started approaching him with a stretched-out hand. "No. No, I'm not coming." He backed out on shaking legs.
"We'll see about that." Lester mocked with a smirk. "See you on the other side, brother."
"Just leave me alone!" Fives shouted while throwing his fist through the air. His chest was rising quickly, his eyes shut tightly and his mind too occupied to notice that he really wasn't on his own anymore.
"Fives?"
"Fives!"
"Huh?" His eyes snapped open to see Ahsoka standing two steps away from him. He didn't know if he was more surprised by her presence or by the fact that he hadn't noticed her earlier.
"Are you okay?" She asked gently and gingerly placed her palm on his shoulder. Fives turned his head to look at Lester but there was no one there.
"Yeah. Yeah, of course." He said quickly in the lightest tone he could muster and brushed her hand off. "Where did you get the idea 'm not?"
Ahsoka's palm hovered in the air for a second before falling loosely at her side. "I'm not blind." She said with a tint of sarcasm but then her voice became gentle once again. "And I've known you for a while."
"You worry too much. I'm perfectly fine." He assured but that didn't change the way Ahsoka had been staring at him with concern. A crease formed between her eye-markings as she was watching him, trying to convince him to speak up. Until she gave up.
"Ugh. Why won't you just let yourself be helped?" She grumbled, not waiting for his flimsy excuse of an answer and just went forward, leaving him be. Fives wasn't surprised by that; lately, he couldn't stand his company either - his own or the products of his imagination.
There was a faint whistle of the wind and creaking of the trees. Fives starred in the darkness for a while, but this time he was certain he was left alone.
After some time of calming his breath and mind, Fives eventually returned to the camp. He still had three hours till his watch duty but he knew that going to sleep was pointless and would leave him even more exhausted. He went for a stroll, catching the outline of trees and tents by the faint moon's glow that managed to get through the many layers of leaves. No wonder that when a beam of bright light was cast right onto his face his eyes were blinded.
"State your business." A low voice ordered.
"Don't shoot, I'm just a handsome passer-by." Fives blinked a few times so he could properly look at Chase whose overly theatrical tone recognised from the beginning. "Can you be that kind and stop blinding me?" The light lowered and Fives finally saw Chase's unamused expression.
"I'm sacrificing my sleep so you can rest and that's how you talk to me?"
"In that case you have just met your good fairy, because I can step in for you." Fives retorted. "I have the next shift anyway."
"Thanks, I guess." Chase said cautiously, eyeing him as if there was a catch to this deal that he hadn't seen yet. "But don't expect anything in return."
"Be it, I need good deeds to even the score."
"Whatever you say." Chase shrugged his shoulders and shoved the flashlight into Fives' hand. "Commander's already at the checkpoint over there."
"Commander?" Fives couldn't help his surprise.
"Yeah, she has the first shift with me. Well, now it is with you." Suddenly Fives' evening had become a lot better. Looks like the good deed was already paying off. "Good luck."
"Goodnight to you." He said sarcastically and saw Chase's short wave of his hand before the man disappeared in the dark.
Fives looked at the small speck of light further away in the direction pointed by Chase. He hoped that, despite the hardly pleasant encounters they had in the past twenty-four hours, Ahsoka would welcome his presence with ease. He knew he was happy to be able to spend time with her somewhere else than in the midst of a confrontation with droids or his own demons. He took a deep inhale hoping it would fill him with courage, and moved forward.
He lit up the torch, figuring it was better not to come up to the guard by surprise. But just as he noticed Ahsoka's narrowed eyes on him, he switched it off, realising that, given her Togruta eyesight, she probably could see him better in the dark than with a dazzling flashlight.
"Fives? Is that you? I thought Chase had the first shift." She said, confused. But despite her surprise, she seemed pleased by his appearance, which brought a smile to Fives' lips.
"He did." Fives admitted with a smirk. "Come on, don't say you're not happy to see me." He teased while taking his seat on the ground and placed his helmet beside him.
"I won't." Ahsoka rolled her eyes with a smile. Then she bit down on her lip as a thought crossed her mind. "Don't take this the wrong way but I just started the watch and you must be tired, so you can go back to sleep, if you want to."
If only, Fives thought bitterly.
"And waste the opportunity to spend time with you? No way." He said, at which Ahsoka shook her head with a chuckle.
"Sometimes I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not."
"I thought your Jedi senses were infallible." Fives joked with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, they are not magic." She retorted. Then the smile from her lips faded. "Besides, it's not like you've been easy to read lately." It wasn't the most subtle message but Fives decided he would pretend he didn't catch it.
"Mysterious suits me." He remarked but Ahsoka rolled her eyes and not the playful, pretend-to-be-irritated way. This time she looked as if she really was tired of his games.
Since Fives wasn't about to spill all the things that were wrong with him to the person whose opinion he cared most about and couldn't think of a different topic, they just sat there in silence.
It was too hot to start a fire. Not that it would hold within the humid air and wet wood. They lit a lantern just so they didn't stick in complete darkness. Down here, underneath the thick layers of leaves and branches, there wasn't much opportunity for the moonlight to tear and enlighten their faces. Although Ahsoka probably didn't have much problem seeing in the dark, Fives was grateful for this small centre of light.
Two orange moths fluttered around the lantern, bouncing back and forth off the lantern's surface. Similarly, Fives was wrestling with the thought of voicing the question that had been bothering him for a while now. He wasn't sure he wanted to broach the matter in that particular moment when they were peacefully watching the night, but probably the better opportunity might never arise.
"Hey… Can I ask you something?" He started uncertainly, his voice slightly hoarse after the long moment of silence. Ahsoka raised her gaze from the ground and nodded to indicate she was listening. "It…hasn't escaped my attention that you're a Jedi."
"Very perceptive of you." She chimed in with a smile.
"And I've been wondering… What is your view on death? I mean all the Jedi. I know that it's supposed to be reconnecting with the Force and all but…do you fear it?"
Ahsoka's mouth gaped open and eye marking flew upwards in surprise. Not that he could blame her, it wasn't a subject you bring up out of the blue in the middle of a campfire. But Fives really wanted to know and if anyone would give him an answer to such a personal question, it was Ahsoka.
The girl blinked a few times before the initial astonishment wore off. She closed her mouth and pouted slightly while thinking about her reply.
"Jedi consider death to be a natural part of life, reuniting with the Force. There is no death, only the Force." She recited. Her gaze was stuck in the lantern in front of her, the light reflecting in her eyes. "It's like…coming back to where you came from, so there's no reason to be afraid. Fear is something we should divest ourselves of as it pulls us towards wrong directions. And I stand by those words, even though they're not easy to live by. Despite death being part of a natural order of things, it doesn't mean we don't value life. We mourn after the loss and try not to get consumed by grief, but…" Ahsoka frowned, then carefully raised her eyes to him. "Is there a particular reason you ask me that?"
"No." He quickly shook his head. "Not a particular. Just wondering."
Ahsoka watched him with a frown for a moment. "Fives, is there something you want to tell me?"
"What? No, really. Guess it's the weather that makes me so philosophical." He realised it was the second time that day he used this excuse. Fives hoped it would work as good as the first time.
"Mhm." Ahsoka muttered without conviction but said nothing about him blaming the climate. "You know," She started casually. "There's this one phrase I picked up along the years, 'fear is the mind-killer'."
"Jedi wisdom never fails." Fives admitted.
"It doesn't." She agreed calmly. "But this one I actually got from one of your brothers." Fives raised his gaze and eyebrows in surprise. "Our Captain is better at giving advice than he lets it show."
Fives stayed silent for a while, trying to take in all he'd just heard. Every word Ahsoka had spoken felt so right. He may not have the connection to the Force but accepting the hard reality of losing friends and learning to move on was the truth he already was familiar with. The thing was, however, that this time it was his death he feared so much. He had found so many reasons to live for. After almost getting killed on Hoth, he realised how much he wanted to stay alive. Fives didn't weep after Lester and Dozer, all that mattered was that he survived. But Fives wasn't going to tell her that. Not to the most selfless person he knew. Ahsoka didn't need to know what happened on Hoth. All the nightmares and hallucinations seemed like an adequate punishment for his selfishness. Maybe the real poison to his mind was his egoism.
Fives was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn't notice that the temperature had dropped. The mild gusts of wind carried resin's scent that pulled from him an involuntary yawn.
"You're going to be a great help at keeping watch, I see." Ahsoka said jokingly. "It's okay, I can handle the lookout. I'll wake you up if anything happens."
"No, no need." He protested, though had to stifle another yawn to speak. "'m not that tired."
"Oh?" She raised an eye marking, a playful smile dancing on her lips. "So it's just that my stories are that boring?"
"Well, you could work on your storytelling finesse." Fives teased. "Don't worry, I won't doze off and leave you alone with your tales."
But it wasn't really Fives' decision whether he'll fall asleep or not. Once a comfortable silence fell upon them long enough for his eyelids to fall close, his mind drifted off into oblivion without asking for permission.
An acute wind gust almost threw him off balance. Fives was already knee-deep in the snow and didn't know if he'd be able to stand up if he stumbled and let the snow bury him even deeper. He knew he had to go further, even though the reason behind it was unclear. There wasn't anything in the eyeshot that would indicate his direction but somehow he knew that he had to force his legs and move forward.
He could tell by the grey clouds behind him that a storm was coming and there was no way Fives could outrun it. The dark sky was an outstanding contrast to the white landscape surrounding him. Amidst monstrous mountains and the roaring rumble of incoming thunderstorms, Fives was acutely aware of his helplessness and fragility.
Then, he noticed a familiar figure. The one whose sight made his life always easier. She was standing with her back turned to him, looking at something he yet couldn't spot.
"You said it was alright." Fives heard Ahsoka's reproachful voice. "That you were fine." He couldn't grasp what she meant so he pushed through heavy snow drifts to be finally able to understand. It became only more confusing once he got to her and saw the scenery she was boring her eyes into.
Dozen half-frozen bodies of his brothers were splayed in front of them and Fives nearly tripped at the sight. One look was enough for him to recognise each and one of the soldiers but no amount of time would suffice to comprehend what's happened here. It was a massacre, blood spreading profusely in sloppy patterns, oozing from wounds that he could only imagine what had caused them.
"I-" Fives stammered, his voice faltering.
"If you think that this is fine…"
"I didn't know-"
"Stop lying!" Ahsoka screamed. Fives froze in place. He's never heard her screaming like that, and definitely not at him. But once her voice turned into a cold, detached whisper, it somehow made him even more terrified. "It doesn't matter now. It's too late anyway."
"Wha- What do you mean? Ahsoka…" The girl took a step forward. Then another one. Fives reached out to grab a hold of her but she seemed to already be out of his reach. Only then did he notice the bloody trail she was leaving behind her. She was joining the cemetery and with the torn flesh on her thigh, she was fitting the dead bodies almost perfectly. "No. Please, don't-"
"It was your choice." She turned around and for the first time, she met his eyes. "I just played along."
"No, Ahsoka, please." Fives begged as he moved forward, desperate to reach her. He pushed through the snow but with each step, he was only falling deeper into it. "We have to get out of here."
"Don't bother." She scoffed. As if bored, Ahsoka looked to the side, following with her gaze the dark clouds that were coming closer. Fives didn't care if she hated him right now, she could scream at him all she wanted but he had to get her to safety. He pushed forward, fighting with the strong wind that was shoving him backwards but he was already so close.
"Please, just grab my hand!" He shouted through the howling wind. His arm was outstretched, only a few centimetres away from touching her. Ahsoka met his gaze briefly, then glanced at his open palm. "Please." He repeated, his voice as desperate as his voice.
But Ahsoka shook her head and took a step backwards, staining the snow with more blood. "I told you it was too late." She uttered.
"No." He refused to give up.
"This is the end."
"No, Ahsoka-" But she wasn't listening anymore. With a terrifying amount of serenity, she raised her eyes to the sky above, before closing them shut. In a heartbeat, her body went slack and collapsed to the ground, disappearing in the snow. Fives shot forward, immediately falling to his knees to try to revive her.
"No, it can't be true." His bare hands clawed at the icy ground, searching for her.
Fives.
He dipped his hands into the snow again and again, but all in vain. "This can't be-" He cried.
Fives, wake up.
Then he noticed that the snow he was digging up wasn't white anymore but tainted in crimson. "No. No no no!"
Come on, wake up!
Hot tears were rolling down his cheeks and prayers rolled out of his lips. The world around him was collapsing and the only thing he could see were his drenched-in-blood hands. His throat hurt while he was trying to hinder the scream that burned inside him to get out.
"Fives!"
His eyes snapped open, the echo of his scream slowly fading into the forest. He gasped for breath as if being pulled out from under the water. Fives realised he was back in the humid forest but he still couldn't shake off the icy tremors that had overtaken him in the nightmare. He looked at his hands, covered in red gazes and realised he must have done it to himself while dreaming.
Fives felt a gentle palm cupping his face, trying to wipe off his tears, but he pushed it away. He couldn't look at her right now. Instead, he buried his face in his hands, waiting for the shivers to subside. While he was trying to ground himself in reality, Ahsoka remained silent. With his head hung low and back hunched, he couldn't see her, but he knew she was right next to him, undoubtedly wearing a sorrowful expression. The mere thought of the crease appearing between her eye markings in worry because of him only fueled his frustration. Fives lifted his head, resting his elbows on his knees, but he still couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye.
"Since when do you have nightmares?" Ahsoka asked cautiously, almost as if he were a wild animal that might scare away a louder sound. Her voice was delicate, filled with concern but that didn't change the fact that Fives wasn't going to answer that question. "Fives, you know you can tell me anything, right? I worry about you."
"I told you not to." He said curtly.
"But I do. I care about you." She said firmly. "Why do you act as if having people care for you is a bad thing?"
In every other circumstance, Fives would revel in such words coming from Ahsoka. But not now. Not when everything else was wrong; when she didn't know what he'd done.
"You just- don't understand." He said sternly, trying to keep his temper under control.
"How could I when you won't tell me?!" Ahsoka's frustration was getting the better of her. "I've been trying not to push you, giving you space to open up when you're ready but you're just so stubborn!"
"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't appreciate your patience." Fives scoffed. "So what? Now my time is up and I owe to tell you everything?"
"What? Of course not! I'm only trying to help-"
"I'm fine ok?" Fives said sharply. He noticed that Ahsoka had already opened her mouth to throw in a remark but she bit it back. He sighed heavily, he really didn't mean for everything to go that way. "I can sort this out on my own." He said as calmly as he could at the moment.
"But I never wanted you to have to." It slipped from her lips as a whisper but each word pierced his chest like a dagger.
Fives' hands clenched into fists. All this mess was his alone, his to bear and to deal with, and no one else should be dragged into it. He knew he had to do this by himself. Only in terms of how - he had no idea.
"I'll have to take you up on your offer to keep watch by yourself." He said suddenly and raised to his feet.
"Fives-" Ahsoka said but he didn't stop walking away.
It was harsh, he knew. Especially since he was the one who got himself into the shift in the first place. But right now he didn't think he'd be of much use as a guard when he couldn't even ward his own dreams.