Fives was tired. Tired of the neverending fight that went on both during the day and night. He was exhausted from the sheer sound made by the insistent rain ramming against his armour. In the past three rotations, nothing has really changed. Wake up with a scream, walk for miles, battle then repeat. It was a spiral he couldn't seem to break free from. Fives thought that a steady routine was precisely what he needed to get his life back on track, but was wrong. Days started to blend together, erasing the sense of reality and he felt like a senseless sleepwalker.
Fives tried to console himself with the thought of returning to Coruscant but it'd be more comforting if he knew when that would happen. At the moment it was merely a concept that he would leave this place at some point. As if he believed his demons would not follow.
But the nightmares weren't the only ones that kept trailing his every step. Fives could feel Ahsoka's watchful gaze on himself all the time. She was trying her best not to be so obvious about it but each time a blaster bolt was directed even remotely in his position, green sabers were there to deflect it. Fives wasn't mad, just frustrated. Because he didn't need her protection.
Many times Fives caught Ahsoka's worried glances, which weren't as subtle as she had hoped them to be. Other than that, Ahsoka kept her distance, not crossing the line he had drawn between them that night. His interactions with other people looked similar. After a few more outbursts from Fives, everyone seemed to stop bothering to ask him questions about his well-being. The only constant companion in his life appeared to be visions of Lester, whose shadow would loom from behind the trees or flicker persistently under Fives' closed eyelids.
Fives knew that shutting himself off from others and avoiding his problems were poor coping mechanisms. But as long as he could carry on with his routine tasks, they were sufficient. Until he came up with something better, they simply had to suffice.
And for the time being, Fives was doing fine. Just now, the second hour of his night shift had already passed and he was as reliable as ever. His eyes kept a steady watch on the eastern sector while Tup and Brody looked over the rest of the camp. They were far in the enemy's territory, hence the increased security.
Fives walked at the very edge of the encampment. Dim lamps flickered behind his back while the torchlight from his helmet fell into the depths of the dense forest. He reached for the water bag hanging from his belt when a rustle caught his attention. The pouch hit the ground and he raised his blasters towards the creeping shadows deep in the woods. There was no reason to panic yet. Hundreds of reasons could be behind the rustle, including the chill wind and Fives' growing weariness.
Fives strained his eyes. He took two steps forward when a metallic glimpse flashed in the corner of his vision. "Who's there?" He demanded, pointing his torch in that direction, but the light fell on nothing more than trees.
Fives unlocked his blasters and slowly moved ahead. Over the howling of the wind, he could hear the flutter of wings above him. The trees were getting denser but he still managed to notice the purple glow that flashed between the trunks. His heart rate accelerated yet he calmed himself enough to steady his grip on the guns. He tried easing his mind. The faint glow horrifyingly resembled the one the vibro-blades were emanating, but a dim gleam wasn't enough to raise an alarm. He had to be certain since lately, his mind wasn't as reliable as it used to be.
Fives sharpened his senses, alert to the metallic creaking that seemed to surround him. He saw two quick shadows flash in front of him, causing his fingers to tighten around the triggers. The birds started a noisy squawk, ensuring him that the lurking droids were making them uneasy too.
"Then I'm not crazy." Fives said under his breath. "You see them too."
He exhaled deeply, preparing himself to shoot once the droids appeared again.
The screeching sound came first and right there, Fives' body knew exactly what to do. Two blaster bolts tore into the darkness, scaring the birds off the branches with a loud squawk. Then the forest fell silent again. Fives' hands were still tightly clenched around his weapons and thin smoke hovered above the barrels.
"What's goin' on there, Fives." Came Tup's distressed voice from the comm. "We heard shots."
"Commando droids. One klick east." He informed, though still a bit breathless.
"And you went to fight them alone?!" Tup sounded agitated. "Di'kut. Get back here, 'm informing the captain."
When Fives reached the edge of the camp, it was already full of armed soldiers. Rex stood in the centre, busy deploying small squads in different positions to check and secure the perimeter.
"Fives." Jesse noticed him first, followed by others turning in his direction.
"How many did you see?" Rex cut to the chase immediately.
"Three at least. One with a hole from my blaster."
"You and Jesse join the Trigger squad. The rest with Redforce." Captain ordered. "I need them down tonight."
Fives joined the assigned squad and headed out to the forest. He could feel working in sync with his brothers, their minds and bodies in the highest state of alertness. Despite just being torn from sleep, troopers were wide awake from the adrenaline buzzing in their veins. The jungle at night was even more hostile than in daylight. Not wanting to give away their position, they gave up the flashlights. They tried to rely on their hearing but the rustle caused by unidentified animals hiding in the shadows was triggering their impulsive minds. Yet soon, the rustling stopped being a problem anymore as the heavy downpour cut them from any other sound than their fast-beating hearts.
It was now closer to dawn than dusk. Soldiers' minds were overstimulated by the constant state of high alertness, making their behaviour more impulsive and rushed. They froze in place when their aims landed on the other squad's heads. The tangible possibility of accidentally shooting a brother evoked memories from Umbara. Memories that no one should have in the first place.
Fives was getting more and more taut. The more they searched the bigger the chances of encountering the enemy. But instead, comms began to echo with negative responses from soldiers. No one spotted any droids. But they had to be somewhere. There was no way they just vanished, even in a forest as vast as this one. Soldiers continued the nerve-wracking search, yet nothing was found. Eventually, they circled back to the place where Fives spotted the droids first. He started looking for stray parts of the shot droid but in this darkness, he couldn't see shit.
"Captain, I've got something." Dan called suddenly.
Fives turned at once. He watched as Rex joined Dan by a tree. They had a curt exchange, which Fives was dying to overhear. Then, Captain's gloved hand brushed over the trunk and once the man took a step back, Fives noticed blaster marks graved in the wood. Two of them.
"Fives, a word." Rex said sternly.
Fives followed the captain a few steps away from the rest of the troops. But as he walked past the tree, he bore his eyes into the trunk, desperately trying to recall how many shots he had fired.
Rex took off his helmet, unveiling the frown on his face. "I need to know, what exactly have you seen?"
Fives had known Rex for years. It had been a long time since he had earned his trust, and even longer since he had had to prove anything to the captain. No wonder, then, that the current questioning of his statements made Fives flinch slightly.
"Three commando droids." He recited evenly, nonetheless. Although, he couldn't shake the feeling that Rex wasn't the only person he was trying to convince. "It was dark but I saw the vibro blade's glow.
"Glow?" Rex repeated. It wasn't hostile but for some reason, Fives hesitated to answer.
"Yes, sir." He replied curtly, 'cause going into details of purple light in the middle of a forest seemed absurd.
Captain nodded silently. His perfectly straight posture didn't show any traces of traversing through the jungle for the past few hours. He crossed arms over his chest. "You said you shot one."
"I did."
"How many bolts did you shoot?"
Fives felt his heartbeat quicken but tried to maintain his composure. "Don't remember."
"There are marks on the tree."
"I must've missed. It was dark." He hated how everything he said sounded like an excuse.
"Then how do you know you've hit one?" Rex countered.
"I thought," Fives bit down on his lip, then started again. "I heard-"
"You've seen something or not?" Rex cut in.
"I-" He stuttered, fighting to keep his head up. "I'm not sure."
Rex surveyed him sternly. For a fraction of a second, his expression gave away a glimpse of worry, before shifting into his usual restraint. "Fives, you know I think highly of you. But I can't risk my men's lives on 'not sure'."
The words felt heavy as they seared into his mind. He bit the inside of his cheek, then nodded. "Yes, sir."
Fives stayed put while the captain quickly headed towards the camp. Yet he managed to catch Rex's 'cancel the alert'' uttered through the communicator.
Reality slowly fell onto his shoulders as the soldiers retreated after the raised alarm. False alarm. Half the company had set out to look for something that had never even been there. A miracle that they didn't reveal their position to the actual enemy. It appeared that the real threat to the troops was Fives.
The morning rose earlier than it was supposed to. They barely got a few hours of sleep before setting off on the road again. Fives purposefully avoided looking at other troopers, knowing that none of them was particularly fond of him right now nor grateful for the night's scout.
For once it didn't rain. Under normal circumstances, Fives would welcome the sun rays that were bouncing off the armour's surface. But today the beams were too bright, blinding his tired eyes instead of bringing hints of optimism. So he spent the trek plunged into gloom.
Sixty klicks later the company finally made a stop. Fives didn't manage to slump against a tree when a recce group returned, informing about a near separatist communication hub.
"I'll take the squad ahead." Ahsoka declared. Skywalker gave her the green light. "Jesse, Tup, Brody get ready…"
Fives automatically stepped forward. But then his brain registered that his name hadn't been mentioned and he stopped in his tracks.
"Sir?" He asked, sure that he didn't need to specify his confusion. He could only see her profile but noticed how she bit down on her lip. Ahsoka took a deep breath and once she turned to him, her stance was perfectly straight.
"You should stay in the back for this one." She said slowly but steadily.
"Have I done something wrong?"
"No."
Fives hoped she would elaborate and give the specific reason for his exclusion, but she stayed silent. So he asked, "Is this a punishment?"
"No." Ahsoka repeated but this time she was looking almost offended. "I wouldn't-"
"I don't understand. If it's about last night-"
"It's not." She refuted curtly.
"Then what is it?" Fives pressed. "You don't trust me?"
Ahsoka flinched and her expression became more stern. Just like her voice. "It's whether you have trust in me. And lately, it doesn't look that way."
"What? Of course I do." He almost scoffed at the ridiculousness of her accusation. "And I can be useful on that mission."
"I'm not going to have that conversation right now." She crossed arms over her chest.
"But-"
"It's my call. And it's final." She said sharply, effectively shutting Fives' mouth. He realised he had overshot the mark. His friendship with Ahsoka gave him no right to question her orders as a commander. So he said the only thing there was to be said.
"Sir, yes sir."
Ahsoka tried to maintain a stern gaze but somewhere in the middle, it cracked, exposing the struggle the conversation was causing within her. She quickly snapped her head away from him and once he heard her voice it was strong and stable again. "Boys, let's move out."
The squad set off. Fives felt the weight of their gazes but didn't return the looks, trying to keep his face as blank as possible. His eyes were fixed on Ahsoka's receding silhouette, watching her back from afar as she no longer gave him the chance to do so in battle.
While Ahsoka and her squad were busy with annihilating the hub, the rest of the company got to setting up a camp. Fives was sick of the daily routine of putting up and taking down the tent in which he couldn't even fall asleep. He was glad when Rex called him for a special assignment. Fives needed to prove, at least to himself, that he was still capable of doing a job. That completing the task wouldn't end in an all-out panic, friendly fire or a ghost summoning.
His excitement quickly vanished once the captain greeted him with a bag full of alarm devices. His great assignment was to place motion capture apparatus all around the camp. He was basically used as a preservation worker. Rex could've as well sent him to collect firewood like some kriffing shiny.
The only bright side to this arrangement was missing the glorious faces of Ahsoka's squad. Fives was sure they were already on their way back, bathing in glory, boasting of their victory. He wouldn't be able to bear their stares if they found out he'd been sent to set those around the camp. A few leaves fell from the tree as Fives struck the device on the trunk with more force than necessary.
Fives was a warrior. His place was on the front line, not wandering around the woods like some errand boy. He wasn't useless. He could manage. Fives still couldn't get over the fact that Ahsoka had set him up like that. He was the one she had always entrusted to watch her back. At least until now. Apparently, the only thing he was capable of was connecting alarms.
After an hour in the full sun, his anger evaporated and the task became more tedious than anything else. He was getting deeper into the forest and his backpack was still half-full. Almost mindlessly, Fives placed another device on the trunk. Its beeping became unbearable at this point, but the sound was followed by a not-so-familiar growl. Right behind the tree, Fives was greeted by a jaw full of sharp white fangs.
Fives lurched. His eyes ran over a four feet-high panther, with glowing eyes and strong jaws which now tensed as the animal growled.
Fives slowly took a step backwards, hoping the beast wouldn't follow. But the hope didn't get him far. Two clawed paws dug into the ground before moving forward. Fives continued his retreat until another growl sounded behind his back.
Other beasts emerged from the jungle, each looking hungry and fierce. Fives got surrounded. His eyes flickered between bared teeth, dripping with saliva, and muscular paws, tense in preparation for launch. Several devices slipped out of his shaky grasp and fell to the ground, but his hands didn't move towards the guns. Fives stood completely paralysed, no muscle in his entire body daring to budge, no matter how much closer the panthers got.
Time slowed down. Fives fixed his gaze on the panther standing before him. It dared to take a step forward, its heavy paws leaving deep imprints in the ground. Panic escalated in him, his heart pounded in his chest yet his body remained rigid. His hands were hovering tensely above the holsters but never actually reached for the blasters.
The animal bared its teeth so hard that Fives could see the gums. He could only watch as it leapt into the air; could almost feel the claws digging into his chest. But just as the sharp jaws were about to slice Fives' throat, the panther's trajectory changed and the beast collided with a tree. Within a second, Ahsoka appeared with her lightsabers, causing the other animals to move back a few inches.
Ahsoka shielded Fives while sternly eyeing the panthers as they circled around them. Her muscles tensed. She didn't intend to attack first but stood her ground, growling warningly every time a panther dared to move closer. However, one time, her white fangs weren't enough to intimidate their sharp sets, and the beasts charged forward.
She tried to use her sabers as little as possible, preferring Force pushes to not inflict deadly wounds. But with each body that tumbled to the ground with a wild yelp, two more appeared, trying to reach them with their claws. Ahsoka swung and spun to counter the attacks aimed at her and Fives, who was still completely rigid. The horde, however, seemed to grow larger and its attacks more ferocious. She heard a feral growl and turned around but as she pushed the panther away, another sank its claws into her skin.
A shriek pierced Fives' ears. It echoed in his head as he watched the lightsaber fall to the ground. As if in slow motion he saw claws dug into Ahsoka's flesh, ripping her arm rings off. Blood started trickling from the long cuts on her bicep and he could almost hear the droplets hit the ground.
But then the world around him sped up. Ahsoka's saber swung fiercely again, making animals roar in agony as the green saber sliced through. Panthers lunged forward, their jaws missing skin by millimetres. His hands clenched around the blasters. There was a clang of unlocked guns and a swish of bolts sinking into a black torso.
Fives caught Ahsoka's surprised look but their eye contact was broken by a claw swinging before his face. He was now shooting down the beasts, but quickly realised they had no chance of winning this fight.
A few metres away, Ahsoka winced, trapped beneath the panther. With her wounded shoulder, she kept its maw away from her face while saliva dripped onto her forehead. Fives aimed the barrels at the animal, but couldn't get a clear target as Ahsoka struggled underneath. Fives clenched his blasters tighter, trying to quickly assess the chances of accidentally shooting Ahsoka, but still couldn't force himself to take that risk. Then the green blade slid out of the panther's back and the animal fell lifelessly on top of Ahsoka.
"Run!" She shouted while tossing the heavy body off of her. "Fives, run!" She grasped his hand and pulled him along.
Fives heard the thud of the pursuit but didn't dare to turn around. He ran forward as fast as he could, not even thinking about the destination. The trees began to thin, the sun's rays became more visible to his eyes and the rumbling grew louder to his ears. He then felt a yank. Claws scratched his backpack and pulled him backwards. Without a thought, Fives threw the bag from his shoulders and tossed it into the animal. He only regretted that it wasn't full of explosives.
Ahsoka commanded Fives to run on, while she remained one step behind, fending off the panthers. There was no time to question the order. He launched forward and did not stop until the forest disappeared completely and was replaced by a cliff and a river at its foot.
Fives dug his heels into the ground as the vast void spread before him. A few pebbles escaped from underneath his feet and fell into the chasm. He looked around frantically but with a waterfall at his right and a deadly horde behind his back, there was nowhere to run. Ahsoka was quick to prompt him with an alternative.
"Jump!" He barely heard Ahsoka's scream over the water's rumble. He turned around and saw her sprinting towards him with a horde of panthers rushing after her. Fives didn't like the view in front of him or the one behind and couldn't decide which was worse. "Fives, jump!" Ahsoka shouted.
He took two steps backwards to gain momentum, then ran forward until his feet lost ground. His stomach clenched and came up to his throat. The surface of the fast-flowing river was fast approaching. His body was picking up speed. He tried to brace himself for a collision with a surface as hard as a brick, but just before impact, he felt a strange force slow him down.
He fell into the water, the current tossing his body at its will. Water got inside his mouth and nose, and he fought to get back to the surface. He managed to take one sharp breath before a wave dragged him back underneath the surface. His body was tossed like a rag doll. Between smashing his limbs against the ruthless stream and choking on swallowed water, he crashed against a large root. Had it not been for the armour, the tree would have pierced him through, but right now Fives grabbed it with all his strength. He held the root tightly and climbed higher to gasp for air.
"Ahsoka!" He looked around but the waves continued to submerge him in the frantic rhythm of the river's flow.
"Fives!" He spotted her pressed against a rock, fighting to keep her head above the water. Ahsoka was closer to the river's bank than he was. She outstretched her hand in his direction, leaving the bleeding one to keep her safe by the stone. "You need to let go! I'll pull you in!" Fives could've been the best swimmer in the galaxy but with the strong current dragging him down the river, he had no chance of making it to the shore on his own. "Trust me!"
With tons of water constantly ramming into him, his grip on the root was getting weaker by the second. The rumble of water hitting stones down the river was deafening. It didn't take much imagination to picture his body crashing against the rocks.
"Fives, trust me!"
He locked his eyes with Ahsoka, took a deep breath and let go.
The river kept running downwards, its surface white from foam caused by the waterfall. But Fives floated in place. He felt the force pulling him to Ahsoka. Current was trying to draw them apart but he was steadily getting closer to her. Fives reached out to her, their fingers almost touching. He could see the strain in her eyes, the determination to bring him to her. She grabbed his hand and the last inches she pulled him with the strength of her muscles.
Together they made it to the bank. Once Fives managed to pull himself ashore, he tossed his helmet away and fell into a ripple of coughs. He spat the water out of his lungs and rolled onto his back, thanking for the oxygen.
"Fives!" Ahsoka almost shouted. She kneeled by his side, her eyes frantically examining him in search of any injury.
He looked at her in disbelief. Ahsoka was drenched. Her entire body was covered with scratches of various sizes, the largest one stretching from her shoulder down to her elbow. Yet, her first instinct was to make sure he was alright.
"Your arm-" Fives said, not being able to take his eyes off the cuts.
"It's nothing." She brushed him off, even though he could see that her jaw was tense from pain. "Are you hurt?"
"No." He answered without thought. He practically didn't take part in that fight and the jump had been cushioned. Ahsoka took care of that.
She didn't seem to believe him and only after surveying him with her stern gaze, she fell to the ground. They lay on the dirt like that, worrying about nothing more than the air going in and out of their lungs.
"We need to get going." She said after a while but there was little conviction in her voice and she didn't stand up either.
Fives wanted the world to stop at that very moment and let him wrap his head around what had actually happened. But the world didn't wait. It moved on, and so should Fives.
He sat up and squeezed the water out of his hair. He reached for his helmet and dialled the frequency on the comm but the device crackled in a way it wasn't supposed to. "Kark, it's not working." Fives cursed. He must have broken it while frantically fighting in the water.
"Mine's no use either," Ahsoka said after tapping her comlink with similar results. She sighed quietly, then cast her gaze up at the waterfall separating them from the camp. "We'll have to look for an easier point to cross the river upstream."
"Right…"
Ahsoka got up first, trying out her balance on slippery ground and tentatively rolling her injured shoulder. She managed to take one step before Fives grasped her wrist tentatively. "Ahsoka-"
The girl turned around and looked at him expectantly. There were so many things Fives should say to her. Yet he couldn't, as the words died in his throat.
The corner of Ahsoka's mouth twitched in a sad smile. Gently, she took his hand and removed it from her arm. "We should get moving."
Fives' lips parted but Ahsoka didn't wait to see if any word would come from his mouth.
It was a tiring hike yet they refrained from making stops. The jungle was unpredictable and the longer they stayed here, the more likely they were to encounter its threats. The rumble of a waterfall had already quietened, replaced by leaves' rustle but still, neither of them uttered a word. Fives didn't expect Ahsoka to talk to him as if nothing had happened. In fact, he was surprised that after the way he had treated her over the past few days, she was still by his side, worrying about him. As she always did.
The walk back to the camp had given him all too much time to reflect on the past few weeks. And he didn't like the conclusion he had reached. Today's event was yet another step in his inevitable fall to the bottom. Only this time he was dragging someone down with him. They could have been torn to pieces by panthers, crashed on steep rocks, or drowned and swept away by the current of the river. And in any of these scenarios, it would have been his fault.
Until this moment, Fives had firmly believed that the sole victim of his traumatised state was himself. But each glance at Ahsoka's bloodied arm reminded him that this wasn't true any longer. Or it wasn't from the very beginning and he had been too stubborn to realise.
The sun had hidden behind the horizon long ago, its orange glow the only reminiscence of it. Fives had already managed to get used to the darkness of the forest when the camp's lights came into his view. The lights grew larger, accompanied by the sound of footsteps and men's voices.
"It's commander! They're back!" Shouts echoed around them. Fives would certainly have heard them on his comm had it not been broken.
"Snips!" Skywalker appeared from the darkness, sounding breathless. "Where the hell have you been?" He ran up to Ahsoka and put his arm on her right shoulder, not yet noticing that it was injured. The man only realised it was a bad move when she winced.
"Here and there." Her painful hiss made him withdraw his hand and examine the wound contactlessly.
"Kix will be delighted," Anakin muttered sarcastically, eyeing the deep cuts.
Ahsoka didn't wait for the general to make any more fuss and moved towards the medic whose helmet already flashed in the distance.
"Go be checked too, Fives." Skywalker said. The sudden addressing of him made Fives flinch.
"I'm alright, general."
Skywalker didn't hang on to his denial. Whether he didn't sense the lie or decided to omit it, Fives didn't know. Anakin nodded shortly, then turned away, following in his padawan's footsteps.
Fives gave up on the medbay. He was certain that a patch of bacta won't help with his condition. But he started to accept the prospect of a treatment that would.
A knife once again sank into the tough bark. It creaked as the blade turned to finish the Aurebesh letter 'resh'. Fives' hands had already gone numb from the tight grip on the knife but that was unimportant. Every press into the tree etched the sorrow deeply imprinted in his mind.
Fives took a step back and looked at the two names carved on a wide trunk. He regretted not having a memoir, something to bury under this provisory grave. They deserved a real ceremony. Instead, there were just two names carved in a tree. Still, it was the closest thing to a funeral he could give them.
Up until now, Fives was trying to wipe the mission on Hoth from his memory. Everyone seemed to move past it and so Fives thought he could forget it too. But it wasn't fair, not to Dozer and Lester. They died so he could live. Denying their sacrifice was nothing but disrespect. Neither of them was just a clone. They won't be forgotten, not until he lives. And Fives was sure there was at least one person who would remember him the same way when his time came to an end.
The end. The fear still grasped his chest at the mere thought. But fright didn't work as a pull to action. The opposite. It was an overwhelming feeling that left him completely paralysed. It was not only putting his life in more danger but also pulling others with him. Fives desperately didn't want to lose what he had, the bonds with people closest to him. But what the fear has currently carved his life into, wasn't the reality worth neither living in nor dying for.
"Fear not for the future, weep not for the past." Fives murmured into the calm forest. He said those words more often than he could remember. But this was the first time when he truly felt their meaning. Over the years of treating the sentence as a mantra it kind of lost its significance. Now he could again feel the reassurance it gave.
Fives took a deep breath. He knew what he was supposed to do and there was no point in delaying it anymore. He'd been avoiding this for far too long already.
The first raindrop that fell onto his cheek was quickly followed by another. The storm caught up to him, rushing Fives to make the long overdue decision. He moved towards the officers' tents and before reaching it he noticed Ahsoka at the edge of the camp. She was sitting under a tarp, hiding from the rain that grew stronger by a second. Only briefly she shifted her focus to him, then glanced at the forest in front of her again.
"Got room for one more?" Fives asked.
Ahsoka raised her gaze at him. "Sure." She moved to the side to make some room under the tarp.
There wasn't much space so Fives was extra careful not to graze her injury with his pauldron. "How's your arm?"
"Alright." Ahsoka replied simply. He didn't expect a full medical prognosis but her curt answer confirmed that the weight of starting this conversation rested on his shoulders.
Fives took a deep breath.
"It began on Hoth." He said steadily but the next words didn't pass his lips so easily. Ahsoka remained silent, waiting for him to elaborate, but that didn't happen.
"Fives, I'm not gonna pry if you don't want to talk about it." She said gently. "But I think you should talk with someone."
"No." Fives shook his head. "I want you to be that someone." There was no use fighting the truth anymore. He wasn't keeping it together. He needed help.
"Fives." A palm landed on his fist, gently unclenching his hand and sliding in to give it a squeeze. "I'm here."
He first looked at their intertwined palms, then into her blue eyes. After that, the words fell from his lips.
The rain came up, drowning his words to the world around. Though there wasn't anyone within earshot, Fives felt more at peace with the thought that his confession would remain between the two of them, and not even the birds hiding in the trees would catch a snippet of it.
He told Ahsoka about the Hoth. From his perspective this time, and not the glorious tales she heard in the GAR's canteen. He admitted to all the nightmares and visions he had ever since. How the odour of blood tainted his daily life to the point he couldn't breathe effortlessly.
Ahsoka listened. She didn't ask or prompt. She was waiting patiently through all the pauses he took, squeezing his hand tighter to offer reassurance. In return, Fives gave her his honesty. He confessed about his weaknesses, not leaving any details out. He was finally letting it all go.
Fives knew that the hallucinations of dead comrades painted a great picture of a helpless lunatic he'd become. He only hoped that after listening to all of it, Ahsoka would still look at him the way she used to.
"Fives…" She said weakly once he finished. Ahsoka was staring at him and although it was dark he noticed that her eyes glazed over. Fives almost grimaced. He wasn't seeking pity. Ahsoka must've realised that 'cause she blinked fast to make her gaze more focused and spoke up once her voice was steadier. "No one should've experienced what you'd gone through. And I hate the thought that you've been in it on your own. I can't imagine how difficult this must've been for you. I wish that- Wish I could've been there. I'm so sorry you had to go through this-"
"You don't-" Fives cut in softly and took his hand away from hers. "You don't have to say that. It's okay. I know my place in the universe." He assured truthfully. "Clones were made to fight and die, so this fear of death is absurd. I know that. I know I have no right to feel that way. It's selfish to run away from my responsibilities like that." Then his chest clenched and the next words came out as a whisper. "But I'm so kriffing scared."
There. He said it. And it made him unable to meet Ahsoka's eyes.
"Don't you dare say something like that again." She snapped and clutched his hand tightly again. "There's nothing selfish about wanting to live. If that's your definition of selfishness then I need you to be just that. If not for yourself then for me." She kept her voice stern and made sure Fives was looking at her. "Because I can't imagine my life without you in it."
Fives' lips parted in surprise. He couldn't find any words to respond, so Ahsoka went on.
"It's not a weakness to want to live. It's your strength. There's nothing wrong with fighting for your own life as much as you fight for others. Live to fight another day, isn't that your motto?" She challenged gently. "But not to be driven by the fear of death, only by the will to live."
Ahsoka's words made Fives at a loss for his own. She spoke with such conviction that he was unable to object. More than that. He believed in everything she said. That he was worth it. That his feelings were valid. He had no time to feel the weight on his shoulders become lighter as Ahsoka continued.
"You're not alone, okay?" She was now holding his hand in both of hers. "I'll support you in any way I can. I may not be able to take away your pain, but I'm here to share it with you." She promised. "There's no simple remedy for nightmares, but I'll be here; if you want me, if you need me."
"Ahsoka," He tried gently but she started talking more quickly and her gaze fell to their intertwined hands.
"I know you're probably too stubborn to believe me the first time so I'll assure you thousands of times that you deserve better. If you ever need to talk, scream or just stay silent around someone, just say the word and-"
"Ahsoka," Fives repeated more firmly and covered her palms with his other hand. This gesture stopped her hasty talking and prompted her to look him in the eye. "Thank you."
Her eyes widened a fraction and then she smiled a little shyly. Fives was more grateful than these two words could express. But he doubted that any amount of votes of thanks would. Right now he took comfort from her kind gaze and the warmth of her hands. He could stay like that forever and wouldn't dare to utter a word of complaint about humid air or a leaking tarp.
There was loud thunder and their moment broke. Ahsoka sent him another bashful smile and clumsily withdrew her hands from his tight hold. Once again they leaned against the tree, with their shoulders nearly touching. It was the middle of the night but Fives couldn't bring himself to go to his tent. The rain didn't seem to be stopping any time soon either, the storm was still rumbling in the distance.
"You don't have a watch tonight, do you?" Ahsoka asked casually.
"No, but it doesn't matter." Fives shrugged lightly. "I can't sleep anyway." He wasn't complaining, just stating a fact.
"Then looks like I just got a watch over you." There was a hint of playfulness in her voice.
"Really, you don't have to-"
"I know," She broke in. "I simply want to."
Fives couldn't, and didn't want to, argue with that. In Ahsoka's presence, his worries did seem to fade away. His chest felt lighter and mind clearer. He wished it had always been this way.
They stayed up late, talking and bickering like they used to. And by the time Fives finally felt his mind drifting to sleep, the rain had already passed.
The nightmares didn't disappear straight away. As much as one may wish, things have rarely been easy. But tonight, when he woke up covered in sweat and with his breath shaking, there was his guardian. And this time, when she reached out a hand to him, Fives took it.