Chapter 9 - If we act like things are not spiraling out of hand, does that make them so? (If a thought goes unspoken, does that erase it?)
The door opened with a quiet creak, unheard with the loud bangs coming from outside.
He toed off his shoes automatically, gaze falling on the camera by the table. He grabbed it, inspecting it carefully.
Fireworks exploded in the sky, golden light bathing the apartment, drawing his gaze to it all.
He saw her on the balcony, standing on the railing, where she shouldn't be.
He races through the hallway, bumping into tables and chairs and screaming her name, even though he knows she won't hear him.
The bright lights of all colors silhouette her as if she were a beautiful painting.
That is his last image of her before she jumps.
He walked through the bridge, feet dragging. The sun sparkled on the still waters, the softest of clouds in the canvas of the sky.
It was truly beautiful.
He stood on the railing, arms spread, feeling the wind go through him, pushing and pulling.
He leaned forwards.
The bang of the fireworks brought him back.
Leaning over the railing, holding on to the dangling girl with all his might, trying to pull her back to safety. She makes no move to reach for safety.
I beg you, god, give me just a little more strength. He pleaded to the heavens, leaning over precariously with his two hands trying to pull the girl up.
"I swear I'll be good!" He screamed to the sky, hoping god would hear him through the explosions of the fireworks. "I won't run away anymore!"
Little by little he pulled her up, until her feet and hands found purchase. Their faces were parallel, absentmindedly he mused how this was the closest he had ever been to her. The scar on her ear that was his fault was clear to see from that close.
Did I ever apologize? Her figure became smaller and smaller, face losing detail and obscured in light.
"I'm sorry"
His back hit the cold water
Nathan awoke with a violent jolt, a shout strangled in his throat, refusing to come out. His breath came in short and fast, deep panic seeming to drown him.
His back burned as if the entirety of it had been hit, and he was unsure if the tears were because of the dream or the pain. He stared at the light coming in through the gap in the curtains, as the pain slowly faded and his panic went away.
His daze broke after a long while, and he finally felt aware of his surroundings. He got up in no rush, and crossed the strangely empty room to the bathroom, still seeing bright lights with every blink.
His reflection stared at him as he brushed his teeth. Slight bags under his bloodshot eyes. The cold water on his eyelids never helped, but he still tried.
He put on the comfiest clothes he could find, wrapping Hermione's scarf tightly around his neck, the action bringing him indescribable comfort.
He gathered his things, but not his bag. Checking the watch gave him the understanding as to why the dorm was empty. It was already close to the end of breakfast.
It seemed to him whoever deity presided over this earth decided to have some mercy, and let him sleep much more than he normally would. His frequent faltering steps on the grand staircase only proved to him it wasn't enough.
The great hall was bustling with people, fuller than he'd ever seen during meals. The cacophony of excited voices started his headache, as he went to his usual spot.
The table was packed. Where there would only be one or to people sitting close to him, there was now only one space left, right beside Neville.
"Hey mate, tired from yesterday?" The tall boy asked as soon as he sat down. He looked at the boy confused by the question, as he elaborated while he gathered his meal. "You're usually awake by the time I wake up." Nathan nodded, and nibbled on a piece of toast.
Neville continued talking, unaware of his friend's mood. "So, are you going home for the holidays?"
Nathan paused mid bite, as his brain slowly worked out what he'd said. That's why everyone is here. "I think I'm staying…" He answered after finishing drinking his coffee.
Neville snorted, a little of the drink in his mouth spilling. "You think you're staying?"
Nathan's mouth quivered into a wry grin as he answered. "Would you believe me if I said I don't remember?" His friend only shook his head while chuckling at his answer, hands drying the table with napkins.
His forced grin faded as he ate the rest of his meal and reminisced. Neville had been a lot shyer during the beginning of their friendship. It was nice seeing the boy more relaxed and confident around him. It made him feel good about himself.
Professor McGonagall went through the room, telling the students it was time to head to the train station, answering his question as to how they were going back home.
The students got up from their seats and Nathan followed suit, but didn't head out of the room like they were. He turned to his friend to say his farewells, but was surprised by a hug from his taller friend.
"Happy holidays Nate, i'll see you next year." Neville said after they separated from their short hug, offering a fist to him. With a grin, Nathan fist bumped him, and the boy turned to follow the mass of students.
Nathan stood watching, his mind thinking of what it would be like to go home. Would his parents embrace him with big smiles, saying how much they'd missed him? Would they ask how school had been? If he'd made any friends?
His eyes burned and he wiped the tears before they could fall.
"Nate!" The shout of his name startled him, and he turned around to be almost tackled to the ground by Hermione. Barely recovering before they took a tumble, he held the girl, worried something else had happened.
Opening his mouth to ask what was wrong, he was interrupted when the girl abruptly stepped back. "Promise you'll write!" She said with demanding eyes.
He could only laugh, taken completely off guard. Hermione only huffed at his reaction, repeating her request. "I thought I was supposed to be the dramatic one here." He said with a voice full of mirth.
The girl stepped into his personal space, a finger poking him in the chest. "Promise me!" She repeated, a little desperation leaking through her tone.
"Don't worry, I promise." The girl immediately squeezed him again after he finished talking. His arms went around her without hesitation.
"Happy holidays Nate." She whispered in his ear, before stepping back. He thought he saw worry darkening her chocolate eyes, but she hurried away before he could be sure.
Turning to sit back down, he almost jumped in fright as he saw Luna standing behind him. "Jesus woman." He says while bracing on his knees, one hand on chest to see if his heart hadn't imploded. The little jokester only laughed at him.
"Mister wanderer." The girl says while curtsying. Nathan bowed in reflex. "Try not to get too lost while I'm gone." She says with a knowing smirk, before quickly embracing him.
He was already getting tired of the hugs-That's a lie-but squeezed her back anyway. She broke the hug and walked away, hopping with every step.
He was about to sit back down when he heard someone clearing their throat behind him. He couldn't hide his surprise even if he tried, as Viktor Krum stood behind him this time.
The big man stepped forward, one hand outstretched for a handshake. Still confused, Nathan took the offered hand, only remembering to squeeze when he felt the strong grip popping his knuckles.
"Until next year, my friend." The frowning man said with a smile, slapping his hand on Nathan's shoulder.
"See ya…" He watched the man depart, towering over most of the students. Still bemused, he didn't even try to sit back down. Looking around to see if any one else wanted to talk to him- for some reason.
A snort from a little further up the table drew his attention. Harry- Finally know his name!- was looking at him, a crooked grin on his face.
Nathan went up to the guy, sitting across from him. "Why you smiling?" He asked, cringing internally. Nice way to start a conversation, dumbass!
The boy didn't seem to be offended by his rude tone. "Sorry, it's just Ron would be really jealous of you if he'd seen that."
"Is he a big fan of the guy?" He asks while thinking. Hermione mentioned Ron the previous day. He was probably the redhead that he saw hanging out with them, mostly with Harry. He already wasn't liking the guy.
"Yeah, it seems like he's almost in love with him." Harry said, his grin widening further.
"Oh man, and i joked about asking Viktor to the ball in front of him." He really hoped that hadn't been one of the reasons for his fight with Hermione. Harry snorted into the cup, the liquid sloshing within.
"Are you two friends?" He asks while wiping his mouth with his sleeve. The question threw Nathan in a loop, only now realizing he never thought about it.
"I guess? I mean, he wouldn't have come to talk to me before going if we weren't?" His affirmation came out more like a question, and he found himself elaborating at the look Harry was giving him.
"Look, I met the guy while running in the mornings. I kept bumping into him, and he always gave me a nod and blasted through me." He paused to take a sip of a nearby drink, grimacing when it hit his tongue. He still wasn't used to these weird drinks.
"He just stopped to talk to me out of the blue one day. Surprisingly nice guy."
Harry's face morphed into thoughtfulness at his explanation. "Wouldn't have guessed. He's always frowning when I see him."
"I think he just has resting bitch face." Harry laughed into the goblet, coming away coughing while laughing. "Oh yeah, you're both champions. How is it going?" He asks after remembering Harry dancing in the ball.
The boy's mood seemed to sour instantly, frowning while looking down at his plate. "As good as it can when you're forced to participate."
That answer truly confused him. "Forced? What do you mean."
Harry turned his gaze to him, anger and annoyance clear on his face. "I didn't put my name in the goblet. I'm only doing it because I lose my magic if I don't!" The boy said with the tone of voice of someone that had to repeat the same sentence repeatedly.
"Do you know who did?" Harry looked startled by his question, but Nathan's mind was elsewhere. He didn't know there were consequences to this tournament. He thought it was just some sport thing, like football, or that quidditch thing Viktor played.
The incident on the first DADA class entered his mind, and a chill traveled through his body.
"You believe me?" Harry's question broke his reverie, and he focused back to see the clear disbelief on the boy's face.
"I mean, yeah. No reason not to" He answered truthfully, but with uncertainty. There might be a reason not to believe him. He could be crying wolf, and he just didn't know.
It did not look like he trusted what he'd said. "The rest of the school doesn't really share the same feelings." A shadow of despondency fell over his eyes.
Good thing i'm not like the rest of you then. His joke to himself brought no amusement. Just a hollow feeling.
"Nah, I believe you." He said and took another sip. He didn't feel the taste this time.
"It was good talking to you buddy, I'll see you later." He walked away with a wave to the boy, not waiting for an answer. He didn't want to stay put anymore.
"Breathtaking." Nathan whispered, looking intently to a masterpiece of a tapestry. The figures in the threads moved about, creating a vision of the craziest of drug highs. The plaque underneath gave it a name, 'Barnabas and his dancing Trolls'.
His eyes roamed the giant cloth, absorbing all details. "Simply… Breathtaking." He stayed silent, appreciating the artwork.
Until he couldn't hold it anymore and started laughing like a maniac. His stomach and jaw hurt, but it was well worth it. With a sigh, and one last look, he leisurely walked away. 10 minutes was more than enough time to appreciate the tapestry. It was strangely mesmerizing to look at.
His time had been spent wandering the empty castle. Exploring parts he wasn't familiar with. Seeing the sights from new windows. Appreciating the countless paintings hanging on the walls.
These quiet moments, alone with silence and his wandering feet, used to bring him comfort. Mini adventures that could happen anytime. All he needed to do was take a step in any direction, and find solace somewhere in the world.
The silence of the dead keep was overbearing now. A stifling feeling encroaching from all sides.
He had felt the feeling building up since the morning. The deep shadows cast by the setting sun exacerbated his unease. He felt himself hyperventilating, dizziness assaulting him.
Nathan subconsciously picked up his pace, until he'd started jogging. He didn't know where he was going, couldn't see through the blur of his eyes. He kept running.
Fresh, cold air hit his face, and his dizziness abated immediately. Bracing on the short wall beside him, he caught his breath. He recovered enough to see the red hue of the sky, finding the sun setting over the far mountains.
He was on a stone bridge, connecting the castle to a high tower. He'd never been to this part. With only a little hesitation he opened the doors, and ascended the metal steps to the top.
The space was bigger than he thought it would've been, but still retaining a strange charm. He approached a railing facing the mountain tops, and leaned over, bracing his weight on the metal.
He stayed like that, watching the sun slowly descending, until the mountains covered it whole. He watched the sky bleed red, fading and receding, until deep midnight blue took its place, a myriad of stars shining through.
The dichotomy of the night and light and the half-lights created a beautiful picture he couldn't look away from.
He could feel a strange numbness creeping up on him, and he understood immediately what was happening. There was no time to try and fight it.
The world changed with a blink, and he felt control slipping from him. A grainy effect stood over his eyes, and his ears filled with a far off white noise. He looked around at his environment, watching like a spectator through his own eyes.
The stars were now being drowned out by a sea of paper lanterns. Their warm glow illuminated the landscape.
The mountains had become more jagged and unnatural, looking almost like someone punched the ground and the earth rose from the impact. Some gigantic stone pillars lurked in their midst, the image of a man throwing them like spears coming to his mind.
A breeze passed through him, and he felt the coldness in his stomach. Looking down, he saw his changed clothing, with a strange shirt and armor hybrid in place of his soft blue sweater. He wondered why he would wear such bizarre apparel. It was a strange thing to ask in the situation, but it was probably his mind's way of staying sane.
The howling but soft wind passed through once more, sending his white scarf to his face, blocking his vision. He watched his hand reach up to pull it from his vision, keeping the item on eye level.
He could feel how soft it was even through his leather gloves. His hands caressed the fabric gently, lovingly. This item is invaluable to me. The voice he heard was his own, but not his.
Of course it was invaluable. It was the scarf Hermione gave him. He was already so attached to it, wearing it whenever he could. My sister gave it to me long ago. The image of a blonde smiling woman came to him.
He knew the voice was wrong. But he also knew it was right. There was something wrong with the scarf. Something missing. He could feel panic building up in him, but the hands he looked at remained steady.
Emotions started appearing deep in his psyche, and he could almost feel them physically occupying the same space he was in, deep in his soul.
Melancholy. Despondency. Fatigue. Hopelessness. Anxiety. Depression.
Like a tidal wave, they filled up the emptiness. He was drowning in it all.
The grains in his eyes multiplied, and the white noise transformed into whispers. The scenery started flickering. Night turned to day, rocky mountains to green planes until they disappeared in the horizon. And then to sandy dunes reflecting the harsh light of the sun. And then to snow capped peaks surrounded by thick forests.
Landscapes kept flickering while the wind brought maddening whispers to his ears. Ghosts of his past brought back by memories resurfacing. Sadness overwhelmed his being by the reminder of all he had lost. 'All I have abandoned'.
A blink and the rapid shifting stopped, settling on the jagged mountains once more. He was being drenched in a sudden rain, gentle droplets falling on him and the ground, far, far below.
Only now did he see the origin of the floating lights. A far off city by the ocean, illuminated by fireworks bursting in the sky above. Even from this far he could hear the happy voices of its inhabitants. The rain didn't seem to drown their cheer in any way.
His body faced forwards once more, a sigh leaving his lips. His eyelids drooped down, limiting his vision, and he felt his shoulders slumping. It suddenly felt like his body was about to lose all strength.
The wind came back, a gentle caress upon his face. Curling upon his head it tried to ease away his sorrows, bringing soft whispers only he could hear. A voice like velvet, unintelligible but recognizable. On instinct, he tried to find the origin. His eyes found a shape far, far below him. Despite the distance and how unfocused his eyes were, the silhouette was somewhat visible, only being slightly blurry upon its edges.
It was familiar. Intimately so. Yet it kept changing. Man. Woman. Child. Adult. Fizzling from one form to another, static covering it everytime it did so. Finally, it settled. Bright, kind eyes and ethereal shining hair, the only features clearly visible to him.
No more gentle words had been spoken while this took place, and silence permeated the air for moments more. It's eyes smiled reassuringly and in a voice near and dear, spoke a single melodic phrase to his ears.
He couldn't hear what was said. There was only silence now. No wind, no rain. Nothing.
His body swayed with the breeze, moving like a pendulum. But then…
He jumped.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Nathan crashed back into reality viciously, body convulsing while he screamed his throat raw. He was halfway over the railing, almost toppling over. His hands held onto the metal so hard it felt like the muscles were about to tear clean of the bone.
Desperately, he jerked his body away from the precipice, falling down harshly on his backside. His chest heaved with ragged breaths, but no air seemed to enter his lungs.
His heart beat wildly while his whole body trembled violently. His shaking hands found their way to his head, pulling roughly at his hair. He barely felt the pain.
"What the fuck, what the fuck…"He kept whispering to himself, almost like a mantra that would bring him back from the edge.
Copious amounts of tears fell from his eyes, and his hands fell to cover his face as he rocked back and forth."What the fuck,…" he continued saying,, his voice getting more desperate and shrill.
At one point the tears stopped coming, and he felt himself calming down. He caught his breath gazing at the floor, where his tears had made a puddle on the wood. Awareness of his surroundings came back to him, and the pain in his body came with it
His throat burned and itched with every deep breath he took to calm down. His head felt light, every little movement bringing a fresh wave of pain. His chest no longer hurt when he breathed, but now ached like he had been punched.
His body sagged, and Nathan did nothing to stop it from slouching back. The railing of the stairs dug into his back uncomfortably, but he barely felt it. His head hung back, face to the ceiling as he closed his eyes.
At this point it was impossible for him to discern how much time had passed. Hours could have gone by and he wouldn't even be aware of it.
He opened his eyes, and saw blurry stars moving across his vision. He felt like throwing up.
A weary sigh left him as he slowly raised himself from the ground. Even with his hand bracing his weight on the rails his legs felt like jelly, his chin almost hitting the cold metal. "Shit. Shit." He muttered weakly while hitting his legs to get feeling back on them.
On unsteady feet he descended, hands finding purchase on whatever they could hold on to so he wouldn't fall.
The castle that earlier had seemed spooky at some parts looked positively frightening now. The lit torches created warped shadows around every corner, and the lights didn't illuminate much. He would have been constantly looking behind him in fear if he wasn't so drained and nauseous.
With one slow step at a time he reached the entrance to the common room. A gasp brought his attention to the lady on the portrait, who was looking alarmed.
"What happened to you dearie? Do you need help?" Her voice was a whisper full of concern, but still too loud for his ears.
"I'm okay now, don't worry. Balderdash." It hurt to speak, even softly, but he spoke as fast as he could, hoping she would just open and let him inside.
"You're clearly not okay!" Her voice rose and it hurt his ears. They started ringing, and he could feel panic building up inside him.
"Please… Balderdash…" The words came out barely audible and laced with desperation. His hands covered his ears in hopes of stopping the ringing. He just wanted to lay down. Please.
The entrance opened slowly and he entered as fast as he could, a quiet 'thank you' leaving his lips. He didn't look at the lady, knowing she'd have the same expression of pity the healer had. Neither of them were able to help him.
His legs started failing him once more on the stairs, and his arms supported most of his weight again. When he reached the empty dorm his limbs were on fire.
Nathan dragged himself to the bathroom and waited for the basin to fill with cold water. His gaze traveled to the mirror, and he understood the lady's reaction.
His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, tear tracks falling from them to travel all over his face. His nose was red and puffy, and the mouth swollen. There was some blood on it, falling down to his chin. Only then he felt the pain of when he had been biting furiously on his lips.
Something cold hit his legs, and he looked down to see the basin slowly overflowing. He looked dispassionately at it for some moments, before letting his head fall towards it.
He stood beneath the water, eyes closed. There was something soothing about it, and his face slowly stopped hurting. He could hear the sea very, very, faintly.
His lungs started aching for oxygen, and Nathan placidly raised his head. With unfocused eyes he gazed into the mirror, vision slowly returning, to see his still drained and beat up face. But he did feel a little better. Calmer.
He turned off the tap and grabbed the hand towel to dry himself. He replaced the towel and left the bathroom, leaving the puddle of cold water on the ground.
His body sagged with each step towards his bed, and he was barely able to change into his pajamas before collapsing on the mattress. It had never been the softest thing, but at the moment it felt heavenly with how it supported his aching back.
Nathan felt exhaustion slowly creep up on him, his mind feeling more and more sluggish. And with it came numbness and a horrible ringing in his ears.
With no more energy, he simply succumbed to the heaviness of his eyelids, feeling them slowly close. "Please…" He didn't know who he was begging to, but he hoped they would listen. "...please…" His voice faded from his ears, a solitary tear falling down his cheek.
And darkness claimed him.