.:Chapter 21 - Resolve:.

Sanji's mind raced a mile a minute, bombarded with too much new information at once. From Pudding's deceit to Big Mom's true intentions to his mother's will and sister's words, Sanji didn't exactly know what to process first. All he'd managed to accomplish during the time Reiju was out cold was to dry off and get his damn nicotine fix before he completely fell apart.

Fuck , how could Reiju believe he wasn't a failure? Look at him! Hadn't she just witnessed his stupidity? Hadn't she suffered because of it?

"How could he think any of that was his fault?" Nami questioned, disbelieving.

"This is Sanji we're talking about," Usopp casually responded.

She was saying he wasn't a failure because of their mother?

Sanji never knew what had caused his mother's illness. Never knew her sacrifice or her secrets. All he knew of her was the love she had for him, and that even with the constant fear that he'd disappointed her in some way, she never made him feel useless or incapable.

And if his success to her was that he had retained his humanity, it didn't fix that he had fucked up this badly. Having emotions was pointless if he still couldn't do anything right. If he still couldn't protect the people he cared about!

The Straw Hats were frowning. On one hand, their cook had a terrible streak of self-worth issues; on the other, they had each felt the same way at some point or another. Humanity was a fine line to walk. Leaning too much into confidence would make you arrogant, but leaning too far away from it... The saying 'everything in moderation' truly meant everything, and the crew supposed it was those who you cherished that kept you balanced, and vise versa. Now that they were more in tune with Sanji's darker tendencies they could be better friends for him. It was what friends were for, after all.

"What is there to think about?" Reiju demanded, snapping Sanji out of his thoughts. "You know in your heart what you should do."

Sanji gulped.

"Just abandon Germa and flee to safety. It represents nothing but destruction, clinging to the glories of the past. The world would be better off without us. Listen, all Big Mom wants is our military technology. I highly doubt she's interested in taking your mentor's life."

It was a fair assessment. Not even the things Sanji cared about most in the world were important enough to his enemies. He was just a pawn. A throw-away to everybody.

"That's not true," Chopper said.

Zoro grimaced, more and more annoyed at the cook's thoughts. He wanted to know if their present-day cook still thought like this.

"After the wedding tomorrow," Reiju said, "our father and brothers will all be dead – remember? So, it's fine.They can't carry out the threat, either. Glorified murderers – that's what our family has always been."

"You know I can't stand those pretentious jerks," Sanji whispered, blonde fringe hanging low. "But why do youhave to die, Reiju?"

Reiju looked softly at him. "I still have my emotions intact, but Father augmented me so I'm unable to disobey him."

"We were right," Robin said, pitying the woman.

"There's no way out, Sanji. And I have blood on my hands. I deserve death."

"But how is it her fault if she was literally forced to do it?" Nami said, brow furrowed.

"Another martyr in the family, perhaps?" Brook hummed. "Without the self-deprecation aspect."

"She also spent a lot of time with their mother," Robin said.

Luffy frowned. If he had known about Reiju, he wouldn't have left Whole Cake without her freedom set, too. There had to still be a way to get her out…

"Get rid of Judge and she doesn't have anyone to obey." Franky gave a thumbs up. "Super simple."

Sanji struggled to clear his head. To focus. There was no way Reiju deserved to die. He didn't even want to think how much she's had to witness and the things she was forced to carry out with no freewill all these years. There had to be another way—

"Sanji, don't think! Just run!"

"But—"

"Oh, and those bracelets on you? I promise that they won't explode. I swapped them out for normal ones."

Sanji's eyes widened as he glanced down. His hands were…safe?

"Oh, bless that woman," Nami sighed.

"See? Reiju even finds loopholes in her orders when she can," Chopper said. "Sanji was right – she doesn't deserve any fate like the others."

"Well, it's fine because nothing happened to them."

"Ugh, spoiler Luffy," Usopp whined.

Zoro raised an eyebrow. Nothing happened to them? If they weren't dead like they should be they still deserved to get their asses handed to 'em.

Sanji flexed his fingers. His hands weren't at risk. It was like a weight was lifted. One less thing to worry about.

A hundred more to go .

He sighed. It didn't matter if his hands were free if his destiny wasn't. If there was no way to save Reiju, then there was no way to save himself. He was doomed just the same.

Zoro narrowed his eye. "What's he planning to do? Nothing?" When Nami, Brook, and Chopper avoided his eye contact, he grimaced. "Don't tell me he's gonna walk right into that wedding knowing it's a trap."

"Not exactly," Brook chuckled to ease their easily-angered, protective swordsman. A dark aura surrounded Zoro, and a bead of sweat dropped down the skeleton's forehead. "~Yoho. You're frightening..."

Reiju huffed in annoyance now at her brother's lack of resolve. "What other reason could be keeping you here? Honestly, would you pull it together! Wake up! You need to think about what really matters!"

"Wish it was that simple," Sanji murmured, thinking about Luffy and the crew.

As if sensing his thoughts, Reiju said, "You have wonderful friends…"

Luffy smiled.

Yeah. Sanji bit his lip. Yeah, he did.

The words she left him with next hit him harder than anything.

"People like that…only come once in a lifetime."

The Straw Hats looked around at each other.

"We are pretty great," Usopp finally said, breaking their sentimental silence. "Especially me—"

"Oh, please," Nami laughed, making Chopper giggle and the others grin.

They really couldn't imagine their crew without each of their friends. The good and the bad. Their found family.

Sanji was out of the medical ward in the next shift of memory, still carrying the soggy picnic basket of forgotten food. He didn't walk very far before slumping onto a bench designed like a biscuit to smoke as he replayed Reiju's words. His family… His friends… There was too much.

But maybe…

Maybe he wasn't a complete failure.

Everyone's eyebrows shot up.

Everything Judge had shamed him for were the exact things Sora had hoped were part of him to begin with, and if it was his mother's kindness that made him such a big disappointment to the rest of his family then he could be proud of that, couldn't he?

"Yes, be proud!" Chopper fervently agreed.

It took him years to shake off whatever subconscious attachment he had to Vinsmoke Judge. To stop caring about what the vile man would think about him, even if the fear that others would think of him the same way always haunted him. But if his mother apparently only wanted him to be human, he had done that – hadn't he?! He had refused to become like his brothers. And…and he kept cooking!

Reiju might've been right after all. Sanji wasn't a total letdown. He hadn't once failed his mother! He hadn't once sacrificed any of the principles he'd learned from Zeff! He helped people the best he could because it was the right thing to do. He never struck a woman no matter how much danger he was in. He made sure that nobody knew hunger as long as he was around, friend or enemy. He might not have made it to greatest chef in the world, but he had become a master at his craft nonetheless. Sora had asked him to never stop cooking, and he didn't, no matter what life had thrown at him. That had to count for something!

"It did!" Chopper wailed.

Franky was just as weepy. "Keep talking like that, bro! Yeah!"

So…if this was all his life was – if this was all it would be –

Franky and Chopper paused mid congratulatory sob. "Wait, what?"

–he had at least accomplished something. Despite Judge's best efforts to crush his emotions and his dreams, Sanji had ventured out to sea, had discovered what it was to love people, and had cooked meals for thousands. A better life than a lot of people had the privilege of having.

Through it all so many people had lied to him, laughed at him, and threatened him and anyone he associated with…including himself.

So what if Reiju was right about his friends, too? She might have her emotions still, but she didn't understand honor. How could she? She hailed from a place where the concept didn't exist.

Sanji could never return to his captain no matter how much he wanted to. No amount of apologizing or begging would ever be good enough to atone. He had also made Nami cry – it was reprehensible! Yeah, he could admit what he truly wanted. He could admit that he missed them miserably. Luffy and Nami and Franky and Brook and Robin and Usopp and Chopper and that goddamn insufferable algae-headed idiot who sent his heart and body into a frenzy for no good reason.

Zoro, despite being irritated by this train of thoughts, had to hold back a small smirk. He preferred being the only one rooted in the cook's head enough to get crappy nicknames.

Sanji missed his crew so much his heart fucking blistered. What he wanted more than anything… Ugh, he couldn't even think it, because it was the one thing he didn't deserve after all this.

"No, say it…" Chopper groaned as everyone else sighed.

No matter Reiju's thoughts on the matter, Sanji was a walking disaster.

He was a burden, and he was alone.

And he always would be.

Every Straw Hat had to bite their protests down. It was no use talking to a screen, after all. They just…hated how their cook kept thinking these things. And still hated how they never knew his inner monologue was always this appalling.

So, wasn't this for the best for everybody?

I'm sorry, Luffy. There's no turning back now.

Luffy frowned, but knew his friend would eventually sort things out for himself. The right way!

The world would be better off wiping the name that plagued the seas off its maps entirely, and if the Vinsmokes were to be eliminated it'd be best if they all were. Of course, he'd do everything he could to keep it from happening – for Reiju's sake if nothing else, he figured. But he also couldn't just leave them all and…he didn't know why fucking not.

Zoro had to sigh. He was why his family was still alive, huh? Of course.

A walking disaster, remember?

Still deep in his thoughts, Sanji groaned, taking out the food he had made Pudding to see if it was still salvageable. When he opened the bento box, he was surprised to realize something that should've been obvious about its contents from the start if his brain hadn't been fogged over with fantasies of hopeless love.

"Hang on…" he muttered, double checking. "Did I cook this stuff for Pudding? Man, what was I thinking?"

"We know," Usopp waved it off. "You made a meal fit for a crew—"

The sniper was cut off when the memory panned over the meal, because something was definitely familiar about it.

"THE MEAT!" Luffy drooled. "It sparkles…!"

"Yow! Those hamburgers were made to please!" Franky exclaimed.

"Oh, his famous little sandwiches that I like are there," Robin smiled.

"Onigiri…"

"They're all our favorites!" Chopper realized, bawling.

Sanji blinked. "I made all their favorites out of habit…"

"Sanjiii," Chopper sniffled.

Well, at least none of it was ruined.

He put the bento away and closed the lid with a heavy hand. It was all so frustrating. Even when he wasn't trying to, he was thinking about them. He crossed his arms and leaned his head into them, grimacing. Fighting.

Forget about them – you have to!

"No, you don't!" Chopper and Usopp objected together.

I don't have to worry about Luffy and the others. They'll get away on their own.

Luffy pouted. "He's right – but still. Not without Sanji."

The evil army of Vinsmokes will die – myself included – just the way Big Mom planned it. It's for the best. If she gets what she wants, it'll put an end to this.

"Like we wouldn't have taken revenge," Zoro muttered.

Even if my life was short, at least it was a fulfilling one.

Images of his mother spun through his head, always smiling and optimistic, and now Sanji knew why. She was happy to have him as her son even if he couldn't save her…

And then Zeff appeared.

"Are you ready?" Zeff asked with a smile at the opening of The Baratie. "Because we're gonna be busy."

"We'll be just fine," young Sanji promised. "Because you got me!"

Zeff's smile widened, and the memory shifted to the same young Sanji drooling over the first pretty lady to step foot inside, a plate clattering to the floor.

"Oi." Zoro rolled his eye as the others chuckled. Why was he not surprised?

"Pay attention, brat!" Zeff knocked him in the head.

A slightly older Sanji was then struggling to sauté multiple orders at once, and Zeff was yelling again.

"You're moving too slow, brat!"

"No I'm not, old man!" the stubborn Sanji retorted, even more determined to get it done.

The memory then shifted to an older Zeff kicking a Sanji they all recognized, much older and stronger and a smoking stick of death between his lips.

"Stop fooling around with the ladies, you brat!"

The memories continued on a running loop, Sanji aging and growing and turning more and more into the Straw Hat cook he'd be one day.

"Be quiet, brat! – Stop it, you brat! – Get back to work, brat! – You little brat!"

And then, finally, a familiar straw hat led the blonde cook away from the restaurant he cherished so much, and Zeff peered from above deck, fond and bittersweet.

"Hey, Sanji. Take care. Don't catch cold."

Sanji broke, falling to his knees in tears. "Owner Zeff! Thank you for all the damn things you've done for me over all these years!... I'll never forget your kindness for the rest of my life!"

"Annoyed by him, nags at him, yet grows to love him…" Brook murmured, boney finger to his chin. "Remind you of anyone?"

Everyone looked at a certain swordsman.

Zoro turned his head, ignoring that his cheeks were suddenly too warm."S'not our fault the cook's such a pain in the ass." But he was fighting a smile.

Zeff's memories faded out like Sora's, and Luffy's giant grin took over, almost too big for the screen.

Luffy cackled at himself.

"GUM GUM BAZOOKA"

This straw hatted idiot was taking on Don Krieg. He was overpowered and outnumbered and yet…

Sanji watched on in awe as their chore boy actually seemed to be winning, and Zeff's muttering wisdom spilled beside him.

"Is it about weapons to survive or a faith that conquers the fear of death?"

Faith?

"GUM GUM GIANT GAVEL"

"If Krieg's fleet and numerous weapons are all power, then the spear that kid wields in his heart is also power." Zeff glanced over at his son. "I know an idiot who's holding back that spear for a stupid reason."

All Sanji ever thought about was others. Nobody should forgo their life if they didn't have to, if it wasn't a sure win. They didn't have to sacrifice their dreams and aspirations like that.

Except him?

The memory jumped ahead to his resolve that day, a newfound inspiration. A faith…in others, and in himself.

"I'll come along on your journey to become the King of the Pirates." Sanji smiled. "I'll be the cook for your ship!"

Luffy leapt with a holler. "I got a new friend!"

The Straw Hats couldn't help smiling warmly.

The filtered memories faded out once again, and Sanji gripped at his hair until his pining was interrupted by an unknown presence. He hadn't noticed them approaching, too occupied, drowning in the tedious feelings of his past and present. Confused and startled, Sanji blinked up at the Big Mom soldier who was…rummaging through Sanji's picnic basket.

The hell…?

"Oh boy, food!" the pirate was murmuring before he yanked out a cylindrical slab of meat, and Sanji stiffened.

"Heyyy," Luffy whined.

"Who just walks up to someone else's basket of food and starts picking through it…" Nami trailed off, catching sight of her now-pouting, clearly offended captain. She sighed in resignation, "Nevermind."

The pirate, head lifted, seemed to suddenly realize who the basket belonged to. "Oh, wait a second – are you Sanji Vinsmoke? They said you were asleep in your room."

Sanji looked from the man to the meat and back up again. This man was just going to steal and eat the food he made for…

"SANJI, YOU'RE MY CHEF!"

Sanji's skin prickled as an echo of his captain's cry pierced through him.

"I'M NOT EATING ANOTHER BITE OF ANYTHING, UNLESS YOU COOK IT!"

No… He didn't make this food for Pudding at all. He made it for…

Luffy started grinning again.

"If you leave me here…I'LL JUST STARVE TO DEATH!"

Wide blue eyes watched as the soldier grasped at the bone and raised the meat higher. Sanji gritted his teeth and growled, eyes suddenly raging. "Get your hands off."

"Huh?"

"You heard me. That food's…NOT FOR YOU!" Sanji's foot went slamming into the man's skull.

The slab of meat flew into the air as the guard went flying and Sanji caught it with lithe hands. Sanji had to catch his breath, startled by his own actions. Where did that emotion come from? He just attacked one of Big Mom's soldiers…

Zoro took a moment to close his eye in gentle satisfaction. No matter what inner conflicts Sanji went through, even from the very beginning, Zoro knew the crew would always come first to him. Sanji's heart and his resolve were reasons the swordsman never hesitated to trust the ero-cook. He would always do what he felt was right.

Whatever. It didn't matter. Reiju was right – he knew in his heart what he had to do.

In a split-second decision, Sanji snatched up the basket with the rest of the food and bolted. Suddenly, he was on a mission. Even if – logically – Sanji didn't know what the hell he was doing, he did know that he needed to feed his stubbornly faithful captain.

One last time.

Sanji's thought process is a never-ending spiral of hearts and darkness. But I think he's progressing.

Luffy will knock some sense into him.