Chapter 11: Fools and Fakes
*Author's note:
Trigger warning for blood, violence, and civil unrest
I hope I don't hurt, trigger, or offend anyone with this chapter. Especially with what's going on in Israel and Gaza right now, as well as all the other conflicts going on all over the world. I understand how serious a topic this is, and I hope everyone stays safe and the conflicts are resolved soon. I planned this out long in advance as just a funny thing, so the timing is unfortunate but I decided to continue with it anyway. Please understand that this is a work of fiction, a goofy little fanfiction, not meant to be taken seriously or reflect on any real persons or events.
Working as an assassin for hire takes you to a lot of interesting places. All around the world, people are dying all the time, constantly. And those unlucky fellows who piss off someone who died and went to hell, could be doing anything when they get a contract for their heads. IMP has killed people swimming, sleeping, having s*x, in prison, and just going about their daily routines. Every job took them somewhere new. And this one just happened to take them to what looked like a warzone.
"Oh, ****** on a stick, how are we gonna navigate through this mess?" Blitz looked around at all the shipping containers, crumbling concrete buildings, and graffiti.
"At least we can carry guns around and look normal. I might have to leave my battle ax behind though . . ." Millie said thoughtfully.
"Well, we'd better f**king hurry. Our target could be killed any minute, and we gotta make sure it's our bullet going through their head, you hear me? This is the first client in weeks so it is our top priority to make him so happy he's willing to twerk for us. Now, we're going to have to split up. Is everyone armed?" Blitz held a large rifle, crouching behind a half of what used to be a wall.
M & M took out their own guns, "Locked and loaded, sir."
"Then, let's go kill this f**ker!" He jumped over the wall and they all spread out.
People shouted and screamed from all directions. Blitz watched a group move past, all hunched over and diving for cover. He hid behind a wall, inspecting each one to see if they matched the description, and as he was doing so, his phone played a notification sound at full volume.
"What was that?" one of the humans shouted and Blitz had to run for a new hiding spot in a shipping container.
"***damnit, how could I forget to turn the sound off?" He thought to himself as he got his phone out. He had believed he was fine but that dream had really put him off his game today. His finger hovered over the do not disturb button when he saw the notification.
New reply from Trent
Reply? Not just a message? Oh, f**k, his memory was fuzzy but he seemed to remember drunkenly texting someone something last night. Hopefully it was just a d**kpic and not something actually embarrassing.
Something hit against the wall of the shipping container, and Blitz was running again, still holding his phone. Kneeled next to some barrels, he scrolled up to see what he had sent.
Hey sweeet thaanmg
I rhink ur kool bud it doznt madder cuz ill scruw it up sunhow. i ruim evarythinmg guud so u shuld prolly stay as far away frum me as u can.
Blitz groaned to himself. That was so much more embarrassing than a d**pic. He braced himself to read the reply.
Hello, again. I'm glad you think I'm cool, but I assure you that my life is pretty messy as well. I, too, feel like I cannot seem to get anything right. However, I find that the more I think that way, the more it becomes true. It also helps me to ask others genuinely how they feel about me, and trust that they will reciprocate my sincerity, which most often they do.
It can be hard to see yourself clearly, so I find it helpful to see through the lenses of the people who care about me. It can be difficult, but if I remind myself that people don't have to tolerate me if they don't want to, I can see that there are a few good people who do, despite my flaws.
I'm sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. You didn't ask for advice, maybe you just needed to vent. And now I'm double texting, which the Internet advises against. Pardon me.
Blitz sighed in relief, as he subconsciously smiled to himself. Guess this guy was a big softie, huh? He began typing a reply while on guard for stray bullets.
srry abot that. Betweem the drunk textung anf the weed offfer, I rhought I wuldve skared u off by nuw. And dont wurry about dubble textibg. Thats 1 of thos dum teenagerr rulz. Only wurry abut 3or5 depinding on the text lenght. thx for the nice werds ill gibe it a try
Some people had spotted him, so he put his phone away to start running again, dodging soldiers as he went. He saw Millie crouched behind some cement road dividers, looking worriedly at Moxxie who was clutching his chest. Fear struck Blitz hard as he ran over to them.
"Hey! I don't know what sh*t you're trying to pull, but it isn't funny." He crouched with them.
"Moxxie just got shot!" Millie said with tears in her eyes.
"Hang on." Moxxie removed his hand and looked at it, ". . . It's blood."
Blitz tried his best to appear calm, "Yeah, no sh*t, it's blood. We're calling off the mission-"
"No, wait. This is human blood, sir!" Moxxie said, holding up his hand to the both of them.
Blitz fell back on his *ss, totally freaked out by the red fluid dripping from Moxxie's hand.
"J**** C*****, Mox! What the f**k are you?!"
They heard a human yell, "Someone's over here!" So Moxxie grabbed Millie's hand and started booking it in the opposite direction, something a person with a gunshot wound to the chest really shouldn't be doing. Blitz followed them to a new hidden spot in a crumbling cement building
Moxxie turned to the both of them, "Something's felt off about this fight from the beginning. The fake screaming, the very specifically placed shipping containers, the soldiers all wearing neon armbands, which are unconducive to camouflage; I don't think this is a real battle. I wasn't even actually shot, see?"
Blitz inspected Moxxie's suit jacket to see a red mess, but nothing to suggest he was at all injured. Millie got a little on her finger and tasted it, getting red on her teeth.
"Ew, Millie you don't know where it's been. Good blood has to be properly sourced!" Blitz said as he did the same.
"You both are disgusting." Moxxie cringed.
"Tastes like corn syrup." Millie said.
Blitz's face dropped in disappointment, "What in satan's name is this then?"
"I think it's a battle simulation, Sir. I've heard that some humans pretend to be in fights for their enjoyment or do reenactments of real battles that have already happened." Moxxie dabbed at the mess with a black handkerchief, he learned a long time ago that white ones would only stain.
"Oh for f**ksake, you're telling me that we just walked into a glorified paintball fight? Then what's with those gunshot sounds?" Blitz gestured.
"They sound pre recorded. They don't have the metallic resonance that is signature to a bullet's launch, and I haven't heard the sonet of a single ricochet-" Moxxie stopped when Millie put a hand on his shoulder.
"At any rate, I think it's safe to say that none of these people have real guns." Moxxie concluded.
A grin appeared on Blitz's face, "You're right, but that means we don't need to be nearly as careful. We just gotta get in there, find the guy, and they won't even realize we're not a part of the game until it's too late!"
"Oooo~ Sounds fun!" Millie said, reloading her gun.
"Alright, you guys, same plan as before, but-" Blitz's phone pinged, "Oops, sorry. Hold that thought."
Blitz turned away to see Trent had sent a new message, but Moxxie walked after him, "Sir, aren't we supposed to have our phones muted-"
"Eh, eh, eh, not now Moxxie, here." Blitz threw his gun, not checking the safety, to Moxxie who caught it deftly, but stumbled just holding it, "You guys go find the target. I'll be right behind ya."
"But, sir-"
"Ugh, Mox, would you get off my *ss! It's one little text, jeez." Blitz ordered and the two looked at each other.
Millie shrugged and they went off to do a murder. Blitz opened the message.
Ah, so you did text me drunk. I thought that might be the case given the hour it was sent and the subject matter. Thanks for the message advice. I certainly need all the help I can get.
And I hope you feel better about your relationships soon. I know I'm no example, but I hope something I said could help in some way.
Blitz sighed, he knew he would regret this, but he sent it anyway.
Oh, yah? Wats rong?
Trent replied right away.
Oh, no I didn't mean to make this about me. I'm sure you have enough on your plate.
u didnt gost me wen I spilld my gutz 2 u lisening 2 ur probs is thw least i can do
Well, if I'm being totally honest, I'm recently out of a sort of relationship.
Sort of ?
It was mostly just a physical connection. But I had feelings for him, and he didn't feel the same way.
This morning I woke up to a message from him on this app, and I'm not sure what to do.
Oh sh*t. Maybe he does like you after all
This technically was bad news for Blitz if he wanted to seduce this guy, but it was some good gossip and he was intrigued. He found himself sitting down and focusing in on the conversation.
I don't think he knows it's me . . .
Because Trent is a common name, afterall.
Blitz didn't actually know that many Trents, but he assumed it must be more common in other rings of Hell.
R u sure? Wat was the text
"hey, I likd ur dad jok. no any others?"
Ya, that definitly sownds lik a introducshun. r u sure its him? Cud be some1 else
His name is very unique and all the pictures seem to be of his interests. Of course, I can't know for sure as the app doesn't allow pictures of people.
I asked my child who is more tech savvy than I am, and she just smiled knowingly and said that it definitely looked like an account he would make.
Blitz was fully invested now. This was just like one of those drama shows he liked to watch. That was when a human ran into the building he was in, ducking for cover from the paintball bullets. Only to meet a real bullet from Blitz who shot him with his spare gun. He didn't even look up from his phone.
A part of me is very tempted to feign ignorance and try to start anew with this person. Maybe they could get to know me for who I am and a romance could blossom, but I don't want to be dishonest.
Blitz started to message back, but more responses were coming in fast.
And even if it did work, the moment we exchange phone numbers, he'll know it's me, and he'll probably resent me for not telling him from the start, ending anything he felt for me.
But, if I tell him my identity, I doubt he would give me the time of day. And I'd hate to be rejected all over again.
I could not respond but then I look like the jerk who ghosted him. Which could become even worse if he ever realizes that it was me.
Ok slo dowm. ur makn mountens out of moelhills ovrthinkimg aint gonna get you nowere.
You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just really unsure of what to do. Online dating seems to be more complicated than I initially thought.
its ok man, no need to be sry. I dont kno wat the rite choise wud be i can only tell u wat id do
Yes, of course.
u ad this guy arn't realy talkimg rite now, rite?
Yes, we haven't spoken since things ended between us.
rite, so wat do you hav 2 loze by tryng 2 get to kno him thro this app?
I didn't think of it that way.
rite. u can talk, anf wen u exchang numbrs, u can lie amd say u had no idea.
Or be honest and say that I suspected but didn't know for sure.
rite or that pointt is tht if he doeznt want 2 talk 2 u after that, ull be no wurse off with him than u are now. Just tak thimgs 1 step at a tine.
Thank you. I really appreciate that you took the time to listen to me, and even gave me advice on dating someone else. You're a kind person.
Blitz had been called many names before, but kind had never been one of them. He couldn't help it, he blushed a little, all while listening to the sound of bullets in the background.
Tht mite be goinf a litle far.
I disagree. And if somehow by a miracle things work out between me and my old flame, I hope we can be friends
Blitz smiled to himself. He'd only talked to this man twice and he was talking about a long term relationship, even if it was platonical.
Welll, sh*t, if we r gonna keep bein frendz I shud probs get ur SuccuChat.
Oh, I've heard of that! Is that the app with all the funny filters?
Wow, u r vary behinf on the tines, arnt u? I thot we were abut the sane age. I can help u figure tge app out, old man.
I do apologize. I find it difficult to keep up with all the latest trends and popular sites.
its fin, nothig rong wit it u say ur sry alot, dont u.
I suppose I do have that tendency. I'm sorry if its bothersome.
Oh, goodness. I've done it again, haven't I?
Hahaha! its ok. ur okay. just mak a acount anf ad me wen u get the chanse
Thank you, I will.
"Blitz!" Millie called, running as she dragged a body towards the building, "The paintball fight is over, and we got the target! He didn't expect nothin', just like you said."
Blitz came out, as Moxxie caught up to her, huffing and puffing.
"Though it was kind of disappointing that he didn't get to put up a fight. Lot less fun that way, but efficient." She shrugged, and dropped the body on the ground.
"How . . ." Moxxie huffed and puffed, " How do you . . . run so fast . . . dragging . . . a 200 pound human!"
"Farming. Anyway, Blitz, where were you? And who's that?" Millie looked behind him to see the other dead human who was not the target.
"Oh, that. . . Self-defense. Anyway, good job you two. Let's get back and talk our client the good news!" Blitz said, and started marching off in the other direction.
Moxxie and Millie exchanged a look. It was clear that, yet again, Blitz was hiding something. It was annoying when he kept them locked out, but it was probably something that could wait. When it came up again, as it surely would, they would be there for him, as he was always there for them when it really mattered. And so, as they so often did with Blitz at this job, they followed him to hell and back.
Author's Note:
Thanks to ladycalleddella on Tumblr for the Succubus and snapchat combo idea!
Sometimes, you have to write the wrong thing in order to write the right thing. This was definitely the case for this one. Both chapter 11 and chapter 3 of this fanfic have two versions saved on my laptop. The first draft and the official version. The ending of the last chapter used to be different. It introduced the sinner they would be working for. The scene continued in this chapter, where we were given his backstory, information on who he wanted killed, and it would have gone on to a battle scene, one that was a real battle, when I realized that the whole idea didn't feel right, and that none of this information actually mattered for the plot. It was something I couldn't have known until I had started writing it out and feeling the texture of the flow, if that at all makes sense. So, the whole thing was scrapped, the ending of the last chapter was changed right before it was released, and I was left to come up with a new plan. I hope it was satisfactory and enjoyable. I look forward to continuing the story with you.
And as last time, if you were at all confused by Blitz's constant misspelling and poor grammar, here is the translation:
Hey sweet thing,
I think you're cool but it doesn't matter because I'll screw it up somehow. I ruin everything good so you should probably stay as far away from me as you can.
. . .
I'm sorry about that. Between the drunk texting and the weed offer, I thought I would have scared you off by now. And don't worry about double texting. That's one of those dumb teenager rules. Only worry about 3 or 5 depending on the text length. Thanks for the nice words; I'll give it a try.
. . .
Oh, yeah? What's wrong?
Trent replied right away.
Oh, no I didn't mean to make this about me. I'm sure you have enough on your plate.
You didn't ghost me when I spilled my guts to you. Listening to your issues is the least I can do.
Well, if I'm being totally honest, I'm recently out of a sort of relationship.
Sort of?
It was mostly just a physical connection. But I had feelings for him, and he didn't feel the same way.
This morning I woke up to a message from him on this app, and I'm not sure what to do.
Oh sh*t. Maybe he does like you after all
This technically was bad news for Blitz if he wanted to seduce this guy, but it was some good gossip and he was intrigued. He found himself sitting down and focusing in on the conversation.
I don't think he knows it's me . . .
Because Trent is a common name, afterall.
Blitz didn't actually know that many Trents, but he assumed it must be more common in other rings of Hell.
Are you sure? What was the text?
"Hey, I liked your dad joke. Do you know any others?"
Yeah, that definitely sounds like an introduction. Are you sure it's him? Could be someone else.
His name is very unique and all the pictures seem to be of his interests. Of course, I can't know for sure as the app doesn't allow pictures of people.
I asked my child who is more tech savvy than I am, and she just smiled knowingly and said that it definitely looked like an account he would make.
. . .
Ok slow down. You're making mountains out of molehills. Overthinking is not going to get you anywhere.
You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just really unsure of what to do. Online dating seems to be more complicated than I initially thought.
it's okay man, no need to be sorry. I don't know what the right choice would be, I can only tell you what I'd do.
Yes, of course.
You and this guy aren't really talking right now, right?
Yes, we haven't spoken since things ended between us.
Right, so what do you have to lose by trying to get to know him through this app?
I didn't think of it that way.
Right. You can talk, and when you exchange numbers, you can lie and say you had no idea.
Or be honest and say that I suspected but didn't know for sure.
Right. Or that. Point is that if he doesn't want to talk to you after that, you'll be no worse off with him than you are now. Just take it one step at a time.
Thank you. I really appreciate that you took the time to listen to me, and even gave me advice on dating someone else. You're a kind person.
Blitz had been called many names before, but kind had never been one of them. He couldn't help it, he blushed a little, all while listening to the sound of bullets in the background.
That might be going a little far.
I disagree. And if somehow by a miracle things work out between me and my old flame, I hope we can be friends
Blitz smiled to himself. He'd only talked to this man twice and he was talking about a long term relationship, even if it was platonical.
Well, sh*t, if we're going to keep to be friends I should probably get your SuccuChat.
Oh, I've heard of that! Is that the app with all the funny filters?
Wow, you are very behind on the times, aren't you? I thought we were about the same age. I can help you figure the app out, old man.
I do apologize. I find it difficult to keep up with all the latest trends and popular sites.
It's fine, nothing wrong with it. You say your sorry a lot, don't you.
I suppose I do have that tendency. I'm sorry if its bothersome.
Oh, goodness. I've done it again, haven't I?
Hahaha! It's okay. You're okay. Just make an account and add me when you get the chance.
Thank you, I will.