The clock striking midnight felt like a fucking stab wound. They had come so, so far only to lose. All of them turned to face the grandfather clock.
The trio shared a look. It was happening. Allie gulped. The sound of dogs growling outside only punctuated the pain. Hellhounds.
Until Dean noted there was one near. They all bolted into the room beside them and forced the door closed while the mutts rammed against the door. The boys were doing anything they could to keep the dogs out. For the first time ever Allie completely froze. Time was somehow fast and yet excruciatingly slow at the same time.
Lilith, now in Ruby's body, opened the doors and the hounds came in. They ripped into Dean's body as though it was nothing. His flesh became ribbons and blood squirted everywhere. It was like she was depersonalized.
By the time Allie was somewhat back to reality Sam was crying over Dean's rag-dolled and torn corpse. He had deep claw and bite marks all over him. His gorgeous green eyes were open.
"Dean!" Sam shouted desperately as the dogs came in. He tried to fight them off but it was no use. They were too strong. It was a bloodbath. Allie was horrified and Sam could tell. Her face went pale, her mouth was agape. The sight of Dean's body, mutilated and bloodied was too much for her. Sam couldn't stop crying. This couldn't be real. It just couldn't be. Dean had to still be alive. Maybe he was. The denial was intense.
Sam's hands ran over his older brother's corpse. He checked for a pulse and didn't find one. There was a hole where his heart was. "Dean, no."
Allie waited for what felt like forever. Bobby came and they all loaded Dean's body into the truck. She had never been so quiet in her life. She just stared out the windshield of the Impala as she drove. Sam was with her dad. He was too distraught to be behind the wheel. She was fucked too of course but in a different way. She completely shut down. It was like a light switch. Her job now was to take care of Sam. Could she even do it?
When she met up with Sam and Bobby they were burying Dean's body. Normally hunter's bodies were burned but Sam insisted they'd find a way to bring Dean back. Allie just stayed quiet.
Bobby sighed softly, his voice shaking, "I'm sorry son. We did everything we could." He said, and he truly meant it. Dean was like a son to him, and Bobby didn't think he would ever see another day where he would be happy again. Not without Dean.
"Now you listen to me, boy. The last thing he said to me, was that he wanted us to take care of you. That's what we're gonna do."
Sam just listened to Bobby as he spoke, and he tried to hold back his tears but he couldn't. The tears just fell, and he could barely even speak. Bobby was right. Dean's last wishes were for them to take care of him, and Sam knew he was going to do just that.
"Bobby," Sam began, his voice shaky. "I want to bring Dean back. He doesn't deserve to go to Hell. It's not right. I'm not gonna give up on him."
Sam wiped away the tears, his voice trembling, "I know that I'm probably crazy for thinking that I can bring him back, but I'm not giving up. I'm going to bring him back."
Bobby gave a half-hearted smile to Sam, trying to keep his emotions in check. He knew Sam was serious about bringing Dean back. But how would they do that? Dean had been torn into ribbons. "I don't know how Sam. I don't think there's a way. But if you think of something, I'll help you out in any way I can." Bobby promised, and he meant it. He wanted Dean back just as much as Sam did, and if there was a chance of bringing him back, Bobby was going to take it.
"In the meantime, we gotta take care of each other. I ain't gonna let anything happen to you, and I expect you to do the same."
"Thanks, Bobby," Sam said, looking down at his feet.
He was determined to bring Dean back. Dean didn't deserve to go to Hell. He had done the deal in order to save his life and it damn near killed Sam to have failed at keeping Dean safe. The one time that they all needed to band together for Dean and they fucked it up, they weren't fast enough, weren't good enough.
"I'll find a way to bring him back," Sam said, more to himself than to Bobby. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he wasn't going to give up. He was going to bring Dean back, even if it took the rest of his life. He'd do it. Dean wouldn't rot in the lowest place on earth.
Sam took the Impala and drove off back to Bobby's after a while with Bobby. They tried to bring Allie back but she wouldn't come with them. They left her the truck to get home.
She stayed in that God damn field all night; for hours . The whole time she was silent until eventually she left. When she got back to her father's she could hear Bobby and Sam talking in the kitchen but she ignored it silently and moved up the stairs.
She crawled into Dean's bed at her dad's, head resting on his old pillow while she inhaled his scent. Grief wasn't new to her, but it never got any easier.
Sam looked up at Bobby when he came back inside.
"Are you worried?" Sam asked in concern. Allie often had difficulty expressing her emotions and Sam feared this would break her. She had been silent the whole time they buried Dean, not a word. She didn't even touch his body. She had just stared ahead blankly and Sam didn't know how to react. Dean would have known better what to say, how to act around her.
"I've never seen her like this before," Sam said, looking down at the floor briefly in thought. He felt a wave of guilt wash over him as he thought about Dean. His big brother had died trying to protect him, and Sam felt responsible for what happened. He should have been able to save Dean, but he didn't. It wasn't like Allie to be quiet— especially not for hours and hours on end!
He nodded slowly, "Yeah, I am. Allie is like her father. She don't talk about her feelings. She's an internal person. And when she does talk she's usually loud and playful. That girl can't go five minutes without crackin' a joke. And now... well I don't think she has the strength to make a joke let alone talk. So yeah, I'm worried."
Bobby sighed and leaned against the counter, "She's always been the optimistic one of the group. The one who said we were gon' to pull through in the end. To see her like this..." he trailed off. Bobby ran a hand over his face, "I guess we just have to give her time and space."
"We've been through a lot these past few weeks. I'm surprised she's doing as good as she's doing." Sam admitted, leaning back in his chair as he tried to keep himself together. Focusing on Allie took the focus off of the truth —- Dean was dead, buried in a random fucking field. He knew that Allie was strong, but even the strongest people had their breaking points.
"I'm gonna go check on her. Make sure she's okay." Sam said, standing up from his chair and making his way upstairs.
He knocked on Allie's door, "Allie? It's me. Can I come in?"
He knew that Allie probably wanted to be alone, but he was worried about her. He wanted to make sure that she was okay. Not that either of them really could be considering the events…
"I'm coming in," Sam said, opening the door and stepping inside. The room was empty. The bed was perfectly made.
As he turned to leave, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. The light was on in Dean's room. He hesitated momentarily, unsure if entering would be the right thing to do.
The scent of Dean's pillow filled her nostrils. Allie didn't cry when her mother died. She always wondered if that made her a monster. There was a bit of codependency involved with her mother. Maybe this was the same.
She had never really entertained the idea that they would not save Dean. She didn't prepare herself because... well... they made it through everything. Giving up meant becoming demotivated.
Yet she lay in the bed of the man that she cared so deeply for and he was gone. There were regrets. Although they toed the line of friendship very loosely no true romantic intimacy had ever occurred between them.
And now he was dead. You don't know what you have until it's gone. Well, Allie knew a bit but at the time she never let herself get too mixed up in her feelings; shoving them down was far easier than the idea of his rejection.
Allie moved into a fetal position under Dean's duvet and tried her best to navigate through her emotions alone. Soon she would need to be there for Sam, to protect him, and that meant pushing away her weaknesses.
Sam's heart skipped a beat as he made his way to Dean's room. He didn't know what he was expecting to find, but he knew that it was her. The light was on for a reason, and that reason was the only thing he had left other than Bobby.
The room was dark, save for a single lamp on the nightstand casting a soft glow over the space. There, lying on the bed, was Allie. Her back was to him, and she was curled up in a fetal position underneath the covers.
Sam's heart broke at the sight of her, knowing that she was hurting just as much as he was. She was just quiet about it. Like Dean. The two had more in common than they knew.
Allie didn't notice Sam's entry. She was deep in thought. The sight of Dean's body was fresh in her mind. Maybe it would be that way forever.
Music blasted into her ears through her earbuds. Music was pretty much the only thing that calmed her properly since Ryan. The abuse did that. All these years later and she still felt unable to be...herself. Well, the soft version of herself. The one that played in gardens and cried freely. Part of that person still existed of course but that gem was guarded now and at times difficult to reach. Even by herself.
The music was an effort to allow herself to cry. "There is a Light that Never Goes Out" by The Smiths wafted into her ears. The lyrics were melancholy. It mirrored their feelings. Their lives.
"Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never, never want to go home
Because I haven't got one anymore"
"Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people
And I want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their home
And I'm welcome no more"
"And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine"
And she did cry. Finally. Anguished tears slipped down her cheeks onto her knees. "How could you leave me?" Allie shoved her face roughly into his pillow. "I need you. I can't do this." Her words were muffled by the sniffling and aggressive pressing of her face into Dean's bed. Dean had taught her everything she knew. He had saved her. He made her a hero. Dean fucking saved her from being some random blonde that peaked in high school in Ohio. He was her best fucking friend. Her best friend. The pain burned so bad that it felt like a branding on her soul.
Sam stepped into the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He didn't want to disturb Allie, but he couldn't help but notice the music playing softly from her earbuds as he approached. The lyrics were melancholy, and it made Sam's heart ache even more.
He moved over to the bed and gently laid down, wrapping a large arm around her to pull her against him. "Hey," he said softly, trying to comfort her.
"I know you're hurting, I am too. But we're gonna get through this together, alright? We're gonna bring him back." Sam promised, not knowing how but he was determined.
Being held while she cried was rare. It felt uncomfortable but only due to her complicated associations with vulnerability. Sam's body was so big. It was one of the first things they ever talked about together.
He had never embraced her like this before. Almost like he was trying to cover up her body and act as a shield from the outside world. Although it was a bit distressing at first, Allie allowed herself to cry while tucked into him. Was it a weakness if they were sharing each other's pain? Why did she have empathy for everyone else, but none for herself? "I..." she tried to speak but nothing came out. Her voice croaked and she covered her mouth. "Okay." Even such a simple word struggled to come out.
Sam was gutted by Allie's response, he could feel her body shaking as she sobbed in his arms. He didn't know what to do or say to make her feel better, but he knew that he had to try.
"Allie," Sam began, his voice soft and low. "I'm so sorry. I know, and I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I'm gonna do everything I can to bring Dean back, I promise." He meant every word he said, and he was going to do whatever it took to bring his brother back.
"I know I'm not Dean, but I'm here for you, okay? I'm gonna take care of you."
Normally she'd fight such words. Allie had spent the past five years rebuilding herself into a woman who didn't need to be taken care of by anyone. Independence was a craved trait. For a year and a half, she had 'belonged' to a man that treated her like absolute dog shit. The idea of needing anyone to take care of her made her recoil internally. Fuck being the woman that had to be a damsel in distress. She was no pawn for anyone, not made to complete a man. No matter how she looked.
— And yet this time it was different. The words were a balm to her soul. Deep down she was tired of taking care of everyone else and not allowing others to take care of her.
"Tonight we sleep. Tomorrow we research." Her tone was firm despite her disillusioned state. She paused and softened. "Thank you, Sammy." She never used Dean's nickname for Sam but this time she couldn't fucking help it. It just slipped out.
Sam was relieved to hear Allie speak, and he nodded in agreement. They both needed to rest, and then tomorrow they could start looking for a way to bring Dean back.
"You got it." He said softly, tightening his arms around her. He hadn't realized how much he needed this too until now. It felt good to have someone to hold, someone to protect. And Sam was going to do everything he could to keep Allie safe.
"I'm here for you, Allie. Whatever you need, I'm here." Sam promised, and he meant it.
Sam closed his eyes, breathing in the familiar scent of Allie's hair. He knew it would be a long night, but he was glad that he had her to keep him company in his own grief. "I love you, Duck."
Fuck that only made her cry more. Sam's nickname for her made her feel small and fragile. It was wholesome and innocent. Somehow both brothers gave her nicknames like that. How did she deserve them? It's not like she was a normal person. Alice was a hunter too and yet sometimes the Winchester's treated her just the same as any other girl. It was strangely comforting.
"I love you too." The blonde sobbed out and covered her face with her hands. "And I'll kill anyone that tries to hurt you— that tries to take you from me. I won't lose you." The words were passionate as hell. Sam and Bobby were all that she really had left. They hadn't seen Jo or Ellen in a while. If either of them died... well, best not to think about that.
As much as it would be wonderful to note that they stayed together and became somewhat happy— it just didn't happen. Sam became entangled with Ruby. Allie knew he was meeting with her but what could be done? He became out of control after Dean went to hell. The days seemed to only make it worse. He was desperate. They both were.
Allie didn't cry again after that night. She was consumed with revenge and grief. She was impulsive and reckless, throwing herself into hunts that were dangerous. It's not that she had a death wish— she just didn't care.
Sam started to drink demon blood in an effort to stop Lilith. After a month Sam stopped answering Allie and Bobby's calls. It seemed that he thought omitting her would protect her but Allie was a stubborn bitch. She just started working on her own. Poor Bobby was losing both of his kids to grief and misplaced vengeance. She struggled to move on, only becoming more lost in her anger as time marched on.
The light never went out.