The reunion with Sam went well. The brothers embraced and nearly cried at the sight of each other but Sam was different. He had been fighting without Dean or Allie for months; not that it was Allie's fault. Sam had left her behind in an effort to protect her.
That night Sam and Dean went out to the bar while Allie stayed behind. They needed time together. Brotherly time. After all, Dean being back from Hell sure came as a surprise.
Sam took a deep breath as he stepped into the bar, his eyes adjusting to the dim light after being outside for so long. He scanned the room, searching for Dean's familiar silhouette among the sea of people. Finally, he spotted him in the corner, hunched over a beer and lost in thought. With a smile on his face that threatened to crack his cheeks, Sam made his way towards his brother, weaving through tables and chairs until finally reaching him.
"Sorry about that," he said softly, placing a hand on Dean's shoulder, referencing the fact he had been outside to take a phone call from 'a friend'.
Dean turned when he heard the familiar voice. He looked up into the face of his younger brother. Dean smiled a big happy smile and motioned for the other Winchester to join him.
"Important call?" He said to fill the time. He could tell Sam was off— call it brotherly intuition. "You been okay?" He asked trying to sound casual, but the concern for his brother's health was still very apparent.
"You look good Sam." He added.
Dean was trying to not be weird about it but he had been dead and in Hell. He knew something wasn't right, Sam was hiding something, something big, and it was bothering the older brother. He needed to find out what it was and take care of it.
But, first, he needed a drink, and a burger, and some pie.
"Thanks, you don't look too bad yourself for a guy who's been dead for four months," Sam replied with a forced chuckle. He reached across the table and picked up the beer that Dean had ordered for him, taking a long sip before looking at it - as if the action would fill the tense air between them. "Not important" He lied in response to Dean's question.
The truth was that Sam hadn't felt good ever since the training with Ruby had started. There were things that he wanted to say to Dean, but he couldn't. Sam couldn't even tell Allie because he feared what would happen if she found out. What would Dean think of him? He'd already hated himself enough for drinking demon blood in the first place. But it had to be done. He needed to stop Lilith.
Dean nodded. "Yeah, when I was pulled up they wiped the slate. No scars."
Dean gave a big laugh and sat down, leaning back in his chair. "Hey, I've always had a bit of a Frankenstein's monster look about me, it's nice to look pristine, like a newborn." He joked with a big cheesy grin on his face.
"So, what's new?" Dean asked, taking a sip of his beer.
"You know, other than me being dead and coming back from hell and all." He laughed, looking around at the crowd, taking a few moments to soak it all in. Being back had been difficult to adjust to. The things he went through… the things that he did…
Sam nodded, still a bit dazed from the shock of seeing his brother again. He glanced around the bar, taking in the scene. It was a fairly standard bar for the area. Pool tables, a darts board, and a few TVs. There were some guys in suits and ties, clearly having just left work, and a few men and women in jeans and plaid shirts, more than likely from the lumber mill in the next town over. It was alike every small town bar they went to. Like nothing had changed.
Sam sighed, his eyes drifting to the ceiling as he tried to think of what to say. What did one say when they finally found out their brother was alive after months of thinking they were dead?
"Not much," he eventually replied, looking at Dean again. "Just hunting." He knew Dean would be pissed that he left Allie behind and hadn't spoken to her in months.
Dean listened to Sam's answer, keeping his eyes on the pool table, watching the two men take their shots. It was strange, feeling so raw. Sure, he felt the coldness of the beer bottle and the stinging of the glass where it pressed into his thigh but it wasn't grounding him like usual. Not after what he had done while in Hell to get off the rack. Not after torturing those souls. He wondered if Sam could see it on his face.
He didn't feel like himself. He was a shell.
"Allie told me you left her; stopped picking up her calls." Dean took a swig of his beer and set it down on the table. "You wanna tell me why you would do that?" He was frustrated. Allie could have died. Fuck he cared for her. It was hard to avoid while being back. 40 years. 40 years of clinging to her memory like a broken record.
Sam had been expecting the question, but it still stung to hear it out loud. He took a long drink from his bottle, longer than he usually would.
"It's not safe to have her around when I'm hunting. She's safer with Bobby, and I can't leave her a voicemail about why I'm avoiding her. There's a lot that I can't explain on a phone call. She has to understand that it's for the best."
He knew he couldn't tell Dean about Ruby, that he was drinking demon blood, and that he was working with her. Allie wouldn't approve and he wasn't going to put her in danger.
"Look, Dean, I'm glad you're back, but you can't come back and start trying to tell me how to hunt."
Dean had watched the expression on his little brother's face turn sour and angry. He was conflicted. He knew that Allie was important to Sam, he could tell by the way he spoke about her. So why would he leave her behind?
"What's going on Sam? What's the reason? You never leave her behind. Why now? What changed?"
Dean had never seen Sam get so defensive before. He knew he was getting closer to the truth.
"Sammy, talk to me, we can work it out together." He knew that he had to be strong and be the big brother. Sam had been doing this all alone while Dean was gone and he had to be the rock, not Sam but that didn't make it easy. Sam had broken a cardinal rule: always protect Allie. Sometimes that didn't just mean physically.
Sam stared down at his drink, letting the silence hang in the air between them. He didn't want to talk about it, but Dean was back now. Maybe it was time for the truth.
"When you went to hell, I tried to find something to live for. I couldn't get over your death, so I threw myself into hunting Lilith. It was the only thing that I could focus on, and I didn't want to let anyone else get hurt. Allie was the closest thing to family I had left, and I didn't want to see her die. I couldn't see her die. When she kept asking to come hunting with me, it was too dangerous, so I had to leave. I knew she'd be upset, but it was better than putting her in danger."
Dean was lost in the details. They seemed like shit excuses. Sam was supposed to take care of Allie. That was all that should have mattered. That should have been his younger brother's priority. Allie was family.
"So you left her behind, thinking that she would be safe with Bobby, while you went out to hunt a massively strong demon alone, is that it?"
He knew he sounded angry but he didn't care. His brother was alive, he was back from Hell, and he had to keep him safe. He had to keep both of them safe.
"That's not- I mean, I didn't- Dean, it's not like that," Sam said, leaning forward in his chair and putting his elbows on the table. He looked up at his brother, feeling helpless.
"I couldn't handle losing another person that I love. First Jess, then Dad, and then you. I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to Allie too, and I knew if I took her hunting with me, she'd get hurt or killed. That's why I had to leave her behind. But she's still important to me, and that's why I can't let anything happen to her. You know I love her, Dean. She's important to me too."
Dean leaned back in his chair and finished off his beer, taking all of Sam's words in. The explanation didn't quell him.
"You say you love her, Sammy. But you didn't seem to care about that when you left her behind. I get that you're scared but leaving her was a dick move."
Dean looked up and caught the eye of a cute young blonde woman. "Hey sweetheart, can we get a couple more beers over here?" He smiled at her, trying to seem as casual as possible. "You got a name cutie?" He asked, looking her up and down. She was certainly hot. He wondered if he could convince her to go home with him. He had missed being able to flirt with women. There was no time for that in Hell.
Sam looked around the bar, not seeing any sign of a waitress. He was about to get up and order them some drinks when a young woman in a tight black dress and high heels walked over. She had a tray in her hands, carrying two beers. Sam watched as she bent over to set the bottles on the table. He could see the lacy black bra she was wearing under her dress and the way her breasts threatened to spill out of it. Sam swallowed and turned away, his cheeks flushed. He chanced a glance at Dean, wondering if his brother had noticed the same thing.
The waitress turned and smiled at him, leaning over so that he had a clear view down her dress. "My name's Katie," she said, batting her eyelashes at Sam before walking away. It didn't seem like she was interested in Dean at all. That was a first.
Dean watched as the waitress walked away. He had seen her bending over, and the way her dress looked, the way it clung to her body in all the right places, it was doing things to him.
"Now that's what I'm talking about Sammy." He said, watching her ass as she walked away. "that's what I missed about being alive. Getting to hit on hot babes like her." He added with a big grin, taking a sip of his beer. Dean kept watching the waitress, thinking of all the ways he wanted to touch her. Blonde, slender… from the back there was a familiarity to her, though Dean didn't want to admit that to himself.
Sam was still staring at the waitress, his eyes following her across the room. She had a small waist and toned legs, and he found himself imagining what it would be like to wrap them around him. He quickly pushed the thought away. He had just been with a woman the night before. That wasn't his focus today.
"I'm sorry, man." He started, unsure of how to even continue. "About… we couldn't…" They hadn't been able to save him and Sam would never forget that.
Dean stopped his brother before they could dive into that conversation. "Stop." He held his hand up as if to cut off Sam's train of thought. "Not having a lifetime movie moment." he took a long swig of his drink and let out a slight cough, throat feeling dry as his mind tried to escape the memories that clouded his thoughts.
Sam nodded and watched the bargoers as they moved around the small room. "So, what's the plan?" Sam asked, turning his attention back to his brother. "Are we going to start hunting again now that you're back?" He knew it was a loaded question. They had spent years hunting with Allie, and he wasn't sure if Dean would want to keep doing it without her.
He knew his brother missed her, that much was obvious.
Dean paused for a moment, looking down at his beer. He needed a new one. He looked back up at Sam.
"Sammy, we're always hunting." He said with a small smile. "It's what we do. We're brothers and it's in our blood. But I'm not sure I'm ready to jump back into hunting just yet."
He paused, waiting for a moment to see how Sam would react.
"I mean, I just got back from Hell. I need time to adjust." adjusting meant sex, alcohol, and general debauchery—- but it also meant getting himself the fuck out of his own head.
"But we can get back on the road in a few days."
He added, hoping Sam wouldn't press for a different answer.
Dean was enjoying the simple pleasure of drinking a beer and talking with his brother. "Plus, we still need to figure out this Castiel thing." The name rang in his head from earlier on that night at Pamela's home. Seeing her eyes burn out of her skull was shocking but unfortunately, not the worst thing he had ever seen. Especially not now. He subconsciously rubbed the handprint on his upper arm.
"I get that," Sam said, taking a long drink from his beer and leaning back in his chair. "After everything that's happened, we've got a lot to talk about." He looked at Dean, not knowing if he wanted to start this conversation or not. There was so much to say, but he didn't know where to begin.
"How are you feeling?" Sam asked, reaching out and placing a hand on Dean's shoulder.
It was such a strange sensation, touching him, knowing that he was really alive. Sam had never stopped hoping that he'd come back, but there had been a point when he thought it would never happen. When he thought Dean was gone forever.
Dean sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. It had been a long night. He was tired and was so drained . He didn't want to lie to Sam. But he didn't want to tell the truth either. He didn't want to worry him. He had already seen him so vulnerable. He didn't want to be a burden.
"Honestly Sam, I'm pretty tired. I've been awake since I got back from Hell." He laughed, trying to lighten the mood. He was still a bit nervous. Hell was still fresh in his mind. The pain, the suffering.
He shuddered.
"I could use a good night's sleep. It's been a long night. But I'm glad to be back Sammy."
"Alright," Sam said, draining the last of his beer and getting up from the table. "We can go to a motel and get some rest. I'm beat anyway. We can talk in the morning."
Sam pulled out his wallet, leaving a fifty-dollar bill on the table for the drinks. "We've got a lot to catch up on. And I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with all of it right now. But I'm glad you're back, Dean. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come back."
He clapped his hand on Dean's shoulder as he passed him, heading towards the door of the bar. He looked back, checking to see if Dean was coming.
He already knew where they were headed and honestly, he was nervous to see her.