A/N
Song for anyone wanting the ambiance is, Some People by Meg Myers. I am well aware this story could be a Meg Myers song fic at this point. It was a whole vibe at the time of writing this.
I truly hope you enjoy.
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The corridors were silent and in some places the only light shone from Erin's own candle.
Her mind had started to race again with thoughts of this night, and of all the lonely empty nights to come, and just how she would find any acceptance with what had been a dream, and what was now reality; when she saw a figure up ahead whose appearance pulled her into the present.
Her nerves pricked with fight or flight and chose neither as she froze a moment, hoping they wouldn't see her at all. She quickly blew out the candle, allowing the dwindling corridor wall lights to hide her mostly in shadow. Before she could decide on any further course of action, she noticed the figure was rattling and fidgeting with a doorknob and her curiosity won out. Erin cautiously drew a few silent steps closer and felt her tension release in a deep sigh as she realized it was Duncan, and all his flustering seemed to be concentrated upon slotting a key into a keyhole.
He kept missing his target, the metal clinking dully off wood before he would sigh dramatically, turn the brass knob to see if his attempts had magically opened the door, then try with the key again. It was very clear he was very drunk. In his act of intense concentration, his tongue stuck out of one corner of his mouth, looking all the world to Erin like a little child trying to thread thin cotton through the eye of a needle.
Erin rolled her eyes and sighed. She supposed she really couldn't leave him in this state.
"Major?"
He jumped a clear foot off the ground, his whole body shuddering in fright like she had just performed a rather horrible jump scare on him.
"It's only me, Erin," she comforted, suppressing the wry sudden laugh that wanted to bubble past her lips at the clear ridiculousness of the situation.
"Oh, Miss." He gave her a once over to check she did not look distressed. "It is rather late." It was a chiding statement that said she should not be out and about at this time by his estimations.
"I'm just on my way back to my room," she fibbed, not desiring any of his reproof after everything that had happened tonight. "Are you alright? You seem to be having some trouble with..." Erin gestured to the keyhole.
"Yes, the light in here is appalling, I can't see anything."
Erin raised an eyebrow and he glanced away, abashed. They both knew the amount of illumination had nothing to do with his predicament. "Allow me?" Erin said, deciding to play along anyway. "My eyesight is sharp, I ate lots of carrots in my childhood."
"Carrots?" Duncan gave her a bemused look. "Is that a sailing custom?"
"Sure," Erin shrugged, easily snatching the key from his inebriated grip. A little turn and it unlocked the bolt with a satisfying click, the door swinging open on rather squeaky hinges.
Duncan hesitated, "Thank you."
She expected him to bumble through the doorway but he stayed perfectly still, making their interaction suddenly a little awkward. "Do you need help with..." Erin pointed to the open door but Duncan flailed a dismissive hand at her.
"No, no, of course not. It would not be proper." He gulped, closed his eyes, and rested his forehead against the door frame. "I shall enter once this blasted world stops moving. It will only take a moment, I am sure."
Erin rolled her eyes again and reached out, taking hold of his arm. "Come on, let's get you inside."
He resisted easily despite his intoxicated state, his tall frame and strength stilling her attempts at moving him. "I really couldn't ask you to put yourself in such a situation, Miss Cooper."
"Erin," she corrected with a huff, still trying to guide him through the doorway, but it was as if she were an ant pulling at a concrete block. She stilled and looked up at him, her eyes full of meaning and stubborn insistence. "And you didn't ask me anything." She tugged at his arm again and he relented, resting his body weight heavily against her, and Erin suddenly found herself struggling to walk him forward. She clumsily side stepped her way into the room. It was small, with only a cot bed and a little side table with a mirror.
"Here we go." She half pushed and half pulled him towards the bed and then gave him a rather graceless heave until he sat limply down like a sack of potatoes.
Duncan quickly seemed to decide better of this position and lay down upon his side with a groan, legs still dangling over the edge.
Erin caught her breath back from what had felt like heavy lifting work. She retrieved her candle from her pocket where she had temporarily stowed it and with a quick downward twist she secured into Duncan's empty candle holder, then took one of the tapers upon the table quickly into the corridor to fetch a flame to light it. Once this job was done she placed her hands on her hips as she looked over him with an assessing eye. If she was honest he looked rather pathetic, and she felt deep pity for him, she wasn't sure which 'well' meant judgment would feel worse if it were directed at her, so she decided to push both thoughts away and focus on what she could do to help.
"Drank too much?" she questioned with a quirk of both eyebrows.
"Yes," he was now hugging a pillow to his middle, "far too much."
Erin glanced around under the bed and tentatively pulled out, a thankfully clean, porcelain chamber pot, and nudged it towards his head with a cautious foot. "If you need to, you know..." She mimed a little charade of throwing up and he screwed his eyes closed again as if the mere notion made him feel even queasier. "You seemed happy enough earlier today in Colonel Munro's room, what changed?"
Erin already knew the answer, he must have found out all about Cora wanting a blessing for her marriage to Nathaniel, and then he had seen proof of it all with his own eyes tonight. She thought blurting out her own opinions or knowledge wouldn't help the situation. She'd try and be ethical, ease them into the subject, and let him decide if he wanted to talk.
He opened one eye in reply and Erin noticed his whole face was flushed pink. "Everything," he declared rather over dramatically. He went silent for a long moment and Erin's patience wavered.
She hesitated, she knew today had not been a good day for him, but she couldn't stand here all night waiting for him to finally stop dancing around the elephant in the room. "So, I guess you know about Cora and her talk with the Colonel today?" Erin knew subtlety was not going to be a trait she ever had.
He didn't reply for another long pause and closed his eyes tightly, which told Erin all she really needed to know.
Duncan let out a sigh before speaking. "I went to her to apologize for what had happened at Fort William Henry. I thought... I do not know what I thought. Perhaps, if she saw how sorry I was she would change her mind and we could return to how things were. I thought that, even though I knew it was folly. I knew it, and still I hoped."
Erin shifted in discomfort, understanding him more than she'd like to admit.
"She told me that she had spoken to her father, that she intended to marry Mr Poe. She said she wanted me to hear it from her and not from gossip, which was gracious after all the unpleasantness I have put her through."
Erin didn't think voicing her agreement would be of any help, so she remained silent.
Duncan gulped as if pushing back the sudden urge to actually be sick, and Erin nudged the pot closer with her toe, just in case. "I saw them together, outside, dancing and laughing. They looked like they were already wed. That is when I knew, genuinely knew, it was all the truth, and... I have lost her."
"Oh," Erin said limply, "sorry." Erin wasn't really sure what she was apologizing for but still felt the strong need to do so. She guessed being an 'agony aunt' was also not going to be something she was good at either. "That must have been rough."
"I never thought my life would lead anywhere but to Cora."
Erin was disconcerted to see his eyes were a little watery, her own heart feeling his marked distress.
"Now I must go forward without her. I feel I must break apart."
Erin tactfully, and as casually as she could manage, came to sit next to the bed, pushing her back against the wall so she was more or less eye level with him. She awkwardly reached out and patted the back of his hand in an attempt to comfort his emotional turmoil.
She supposed, distractedly, that Duncan was right, if anyone came by the open doorway in that moment, it would be seen as highly improper, Duncan sprawled on the bed and her sitting next to him on the floor, but Erin found she truly didn't care. She was done with the manners and damn etiquette of this place. The people of this time could think what they wanted, Duncan was her friend and she wanted to give him all her empathy in this moment. The only way she knew how to help was to hold hands and wipe away tears and commiserate. To tell him, hopefully without patronizing words, she was there if he needed a shoulder, that she understood his pain.
"That really... sucks," she said softly, not living up to any of her lofty ideals.
He wiped at his eyes and looked over at her, once again finding her turns of phase very baffling. He tried to laugh, giving her thanks for their strange connection in this moment. Then he let out a great sigh. "I shall do it though, for her."
"Do it?" Erin questioned, puzzled.
"Let her go." He sighed again and his gaze drifted up to the ceiling. "Just as you said. The kindest thing I can do if I love her, is to give her freedom, to not hold her back or weigh her down like she is a song bird I must keep from the sky. I must let her fly." He smiled again and Erin felt a little prick of sorrow as a large tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek. "Even if I know she will not come back to me."
"I'm sorry Duncan. I know this must hurt."
He sighed once more, a deep sound of heartbreak, and looked at her, his face trying to form some semblance of a true smile at her words. "I see how you look at him." The sudden change in conversation made Erin's eyes meet his in shocked question. "Your man," he defined soberly with a little nod.
"He isn't my-" Erin tried to bluster out the words but his hand grasped hers, stilling her rebuttal.
"You said no to Munro for him. You are leaving for him." His mouth pulled, not a smile, only an attempt. "You are giving him his freedom, even if he doesn't will it." Again he sighed sadly. "I see your face reflected in my own. It is the only thing we can give them, the sweet farewell, so they can be free."
"You really are drunk!" Erin said, pulling her hand from his, not liking this path of discussion at all.
He laughed then, it was a bitter sound. "Sacrifices must be made in life. These are to be ours."
This was all getting a little too self pitying for Erin's liking and she felt suddenly angry at him for bringing her or Uncas into any of this, the already tarnished golden glow of her earlier meeting threatened by this full taint of sourness.
"I'm leaving for myself. I'm stubborn. You already know I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to." Erin shook her head, frustrated by this entire place, with how wrong she had been, with everything. "Why does it have to be any kind of sacrifice in the end? Why can't it just be understanding that things can't always work out? Life isn't always a fairy-tale. You and Cora talk about it all as if I'm already madly in love with him!"
Duncan laughed, "At least Cora agrees with me on some things."
"Neither you or Cora get to tell me what I feel. I kindly remind you, Major, I've known him just over a week!"
"The way of the heart sees no hours or days. Cora has known that man for the same amount of time, she has made her choice." He levelled a look at her, as steady as he could given his current condition.
"I'm not Cora! I'm never going to be the heroine in a romance story!" Angry tears pricked at her eyes at the truth of those words, but she forced them back with sheer obstinacy. "Life doesn't work that way!" Erin had seemingly decided denial suited her best in that moment.
She wanted to argue back that Cora had the weight of Nathaniel's insistence, his want to be with her... Erin didn't have that certainty from the man she cared for, and without certainty, what was there? Nothing, was the answer, and she wasn't enjoying that fact being smushed into her face. She remained silent, not wanting to speak of any of it, her heart and pride still grazed and sore.
"For what my words are worth to you, I believe you are doing the right thing." Duncan was thoroughly ignoring her outburst. "Cora has a romantic heart, she sees with her heart, and she can be free and easy with that because Mr Poe, for all his other failings, is a white man. Given time she will come to see and understand that life would be a battleground for you and that Indian."
"That Indian?!" Erin spluttered, and crossed her arms over her chest, anger now bubbling back.
"My apologies. I understand you do not like it when I refer to him as such."
Erin gave him a narrowed look but didn't deem to respond. She wanted to bite back with some choice and unkind words, but deep down she understood, in his own way Duncan was trying to be supportive, to give her what he couldn't give himself just yet, the surety that the right choices had been made for the good of all.
"But that is what he is, Miss Cooper. I know your travels at sea have been..." He twirled a hand in the air as if trying to spool the words into his mind. "Diverse and accepting, but this land has none of that kindness, not now, not with the war. I know you know this, and that is why you made your choice. It does not matter if he is a good man, or if he is an honourable man. It would not matter if I now considered him my own greatest friend after all we have been through, he would still be who he is, and I am who I am. As are you."
Erin rolled her eyes, she was starting to understand that drunk Duncan meant a self righteous, long winded Duncan.
"Love doesn't matter in the end." He smiled, thin and strained. "It is better this way, that you move forward without the taste of regret. Though it may come to sting you later, you must be strong."
For Erin the sting came as soon as the words left his mouth. "You are wrong," Erin said in a small whisper. "Love does matter." She glanced away, feeling the smart of frustrated tears within her eyes, and this time they bested her. She wasn't quick enough with her movements to hide the emotion and he noticed her distress. He reached out as if to touch her shoulder but pulled back at the last moment, regaining his manners.
"I am sorry, for your pain," Duncan said, and Erin hated that he was trying to console her, this wasn't how any of this was meant to go. "Was he very unkind at your rejection? You did the right thing in refusing him, although he may be deeply hurt, he must understand how much you would be giving up to go and live with him in God knows where? Your family would never approve of such a match, surely, he can see that?! You had no choice but to refuse him!"
Erin wanted to push back against his words and explain that he'd gotten so much of the situation wrong, but for a moment she couldn't find the words to defend Uncas or herself. She shook her head in exasperation as he watched on, the situation becoming more and more real to her by the second. She bit her lip in hesitation before she finally spoke.
"He never asked me to stay." She was fidgeting in her seated spot with high discomfort. "So, you see, you are wrong, Cora is wrong, there is no love to matter."
His eyes slowly travelled over her face as Erin held herself together, trying to be as unconcerned and unmoving as possible, despite the tears.
"He never..." Duncan couldn't finish, his voice full of surprise.
Erin's eyes flicked to his a few times, anxiety bubbling. "Stop giving me that look."
He blinked, bewildered. "Look?"
"Pity. You pity me."
He shook his head a little too enthusiastically. "I do not Miss."
"Of course he wouldn't ask me. I don't know the first thing about living... here." She was rambling, covering the tracks of her discomfort. "We wouldn't make a good match and he knows it. There is no need to pity practicality, without it we would both end up living in misery! I don't blame him at all, I'm the one at fault for thinking that..." She trailed off, feeling like she was divulging far too much.
"I do not pity you," he repeated, "I misunderstood the situation. I have blundered in like a fool. I am sorry. I thought-"
Erin glared at him, teeth set into her bottom lip a moment in firm stubbornness. "Well?! What did you think?" She felt so very angry.
Again he shook his head. "I thought you had refused him."
"Well, I did... I told him I didn't want to stay. I told him I wanted to go home."
"I see," he said softly. "I gather you were hoping he would ask you anyway?"
"I don't know what I wanted..." Erin shook her head. "He said he never would ask, because he understands I want to go home. He respects my wishes, I mean that's pretty cool right? Doesn't everyone want a guy like that?" Trying to make herself believe those words seemed to force more tears from her, and she brushed at her eyes, hot wet denial soaking into her sleeves.
Duncan considered the situation, not fully understanding her words but grasping the meaning, and then he finally looked at her, his eyes and body full of sudden intense energy. "I see the way he looks at you. I have seen him watching you when he thought no one noticed. I disapproved more than once and he knew it! But still I caught him out many times, and he seemed unashamed of it! I have never been so certain that a man cared for a woman as when I saw how he looks at you. I do not know if that eases your suffering or makes it worse, but it is the truth." His little burst of vigour quickly caught up to him and he slumped back onto the bed with a subdued burp.
Erin narrowed her eyes at him, trying to feel the goodwill he meant with those words, but unable to. "Looks are not the same as love. You were mistaken."
He shook his head, disbelieving. "I was certain... I don't understand," he mumbled, and then looked at her directly. "Perhaps I was mistaken and saw only... fascination."
That stung, but Erin sniffed away the insult.
"I do not know, nor claim to understand, the ways of these men. If I was in his position, if there was a chance that you wanted the same, I would be doing all I could to make you stay with me, even if I knew it was hopeless."
"Well, you aren't Uncas." Erin's mind rejoiced a little unkindly at that fact.
He looked at her again, eyes boring into her. "Have you asked him... why? Perhaps it would make it easier to leave this behind if you understood his reasons?"
Erin once again rolled her eyes. "No. If he hasn't asked me by now..." Her mind drifted back to that dark room, lips and bodies, intimate and raw. "He isn't intending to, and I'm not going to push him to give me a reason... that will just end up being intensely awkward, and embarrassing, and... hurtful," Erin finished, her voice rising slightly. There was the truth of it. She was too fearful to hear his reasons. She could imagine so many, how unsuited she was to live here by his side as his...
She shook herself. No, she didn't want to hear any of it. Her heart already felt bruised, why would she push herself into more pain? More than any of this doubt, Erin knew, if Uncas truly thought they had a chance together, he wouldn't just be letting her waltz out of his life. If Erin understood anything about Uncas at all, it was that he would fight for what he wanted, no matter the cost. He could see how incompatible they were in the long run. He was making a logical and sensible choice. It hurt, but it was fair. She was not the right one for him, no matter what their feelings or bodies might say to the contrary.
"I see," Duncan said, far too sombrely for his inebriated state, and she bristled.
She was growing thoroughly impatient with all of this. "You are very, very drunk and I'm... tired."
"Yes, that must be it," he said, all sighs and dejection. "I seem to be so often wrong about so many things."
"Sometimes, life just is that way, even if we don't like it. It's for the best. I know this is the best for both of us." Erin felt like she was propping up her words with flimsy sticks that would blow to nothing with the barest hint of a breeze, but she still kept building. "It may not feel like it right now, but I'm going to be fine, you're going to be fine Duncan." Her tone was slightly scolding, which just made him laugh. "You'll find someone, one day, who will make you happy." She supposed she wasn't any good at the non-patronizing part either, but by this point she'd lost the true ability to care.
His laughter continued and he waved away her attempt at clumsy, and mildly angry consoling, with a dismissive hand, his actions telling her the words were nonsense.
She set her jaw at him in determination, her ire and stubbornness winning out. She promised herself that she'd look up Major Duncan Heywood's life when she got home and prove to him, out of pure spite in that moment, that he'd gone on to have a happy life and died an old man, thoroughly loved!
She hoped she was right. She hoped it would be the truth for her, and the truth for Uncas too.
With that thought she sensed something within her click into place. It was harsh acceptance, and it felt like it hollowed her and filled her, all within the same instant. All this time she'd been fighting against the knowledge that this was the truth. They weren't willing to fight for each other.
The realization that she didn't have to perform to any expectations, or try and be someone she wasn't, was suddenly deeply comforting and she clung to it. Erin told herself, with slightly injured ego, to want more meant they both would have to give up a large part of who they were and how they lived. She guessed it was a price neither was willing to pay, even if she had felt the weight of the coins within her hands for a moment, it had passed. She had to let go and move forward.
Duncan sighed again, eyes fluttering closed with the heaviness of sleep and Erin felt it too, she was thoroughly exhausted.
Erin knew this was her cue to leave and was happy for it. She pushed herself back onto her feet, patting his hand with a last none too gentle touch, making him start. "You'll feel better tomorrow. It's the drink making you despair," she assured.
"Perhaps," he said after a moment. "I hope you remain oblivious to the whys then, my friend, that you never feel that extra sting, your stubborn skin too thick to allow it access."
"Thanks... I think." She turned to leave, not knowing if any of this had truly helped either of them, and if she was truthful, all she wanted to do now was curl up and sleep. Her hand reached for the brass doorknob.
"Erin?"
She paused and made an affirmative noise that she had heard, turning to glance at him over her shoulder. He looked half asleep now, curled against the pillow.
"If we should meet tomorrow, before you leave, don't remind me that we spoke of this, of Cora and what I said, if you would be so kind?"
"Of course. I would never... I understand, Duncan," Erin said with a kind smile, she didn't want to be reminded of any of this talk either. She moved to pull the door closed behind her.
"Erin?"
"Yes?" Erin's head bobbed back into the room.
"Probably best if we just don't mention meeting at all." He yawned, eyes barely open as he spoke.
"Okay." She began to pull the door closed once again.
"Erin?"
"Yes?!" This felt like it would go back and forth all night if she allowed it, but his next words startled her into a renewed sense of heartache for what could never be.
"Even if I do believe it is for your own good... he is a fool."
She cleared her throat of emotion. "Sleep well, Duncan." She quietly closed the door behind her and turned on her heel, her path set upon her own quarters, no longer needing the consoling of others, and feeling all she wanted was the oblivion of sleep.
/
A/N
A Friday missed but I'm back again. I hope to have a good run to the end now with few to little missed upload days, but let's see. A warm welcome to all passing by to read. I hope you found this still an enjoyable read.
This chapter was a lot quieter than the last. I couldn't resist giving Duncan another chapter. I also wanted to give Erin someone fairly neutral to bounce her thoughts off. No real answer to the questions the last chapter brought, but I have a feeling they may be confronted soon. Let's see what happens next time.
Another thank you from my heart to Flowangelic and Mohawkwoman. Your reviews for the last chapter left me completely speechless and grinning like an idiot. I am so lucky to have your support. Thank you :)