A/N: A big shout-out to DB-20, who suggested this fight to me! It ended up being pretty awesome. Another shout-out to Shadowjab17, who mentioned me on his profile! Geez, man, I'm blushing. Don't be afraid to suggest more stuff, everyone! Also, review. Please. Rants. Praise. Whatever. Thanks!
Episode 12: Harley Quinn (DC Comics) vs. Juliet Starling (Lollipop Chainsaw)
When it comes time to face up against legions of powerful foes, the person you want most at your side is a trusted friend and skilled warrior. Or a blonde psychedelic ditz with weapons way too powerful and skills way too unmatched for her own good who also happens to have extensive experience in fighting off hordes of enemies. And is way too attached to her boyfriend. Way too attached.
Harley Quinn, the loyal, then disloyal, then loyal, then disloyal sidekick of the Joker, and Juliet Starling, the ultimate zombie killer of San Romero.
I'm LittleZbot, and it's my hobby to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Harley Quinn:
In the slums of Gotham City, criminals run wild. Despite an insanely active police force and the constant efforts of a certain caped crusader known as Batman, crime is rampant, and crime bosses are even more so. Somehow. In such a place, you'd think a blond ex-physiatrist with a giant hammer wouldn't be that much of a threat. And yet Harley Quinn, the Joker's second-in-command and constant companion, has proven herself to be one of the greatest threats to the Batman in all of comics.
Boxy Bennett holds a gun up, pointing at Harley and Veronica, both of whom instantly raise their hands. He sneers. "Any last words?"
"Just one," Harley replies. "BABIES!"
Instantly, her two pet hyenas burst through the wall and begin mauling Boxy. Harley waves her hand and instructs them. "Play nice with your new chew toy, okay?"
Well, until she wasn't, and became a superhero, and then an anti-hero, and then a god – you know what, we'll get to that. But before she was Mistah J's loyal follower, she was Harleen Quinzel, a teenage girl with a penchant for lollipops and overanalyzing the minds of her peers.
Young Harleen's incredibly gifted mind was obvious from the start. She was capable of dissecting the inner thoughts of the most complicated of adults when she was only nine years old, and her talent grew rapidly from there. Gaining perfect grades throughout her school life and studying the minds of murderers (and her own psychopathic family) on the side, the future was bright for this young girl. And yet, she did have one problem – one wish, if you will. Her incredible intellect made life boring and made it difficult for anyone to talk to her. She went friendless throughout most of her school life, and would often act like a teenage ditz just to get some more social activity and some friends. This only led to her being even more estranged, as people then saw her as a sort of a mad scientist – someone who was so bright they'd gone insane. Still, she did graduate from Gotham University at the top of her class and landed a job as a psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum. Studying and fixing the minds of the most insane of criminals became her passion, her life's work – until she met the Joker.
As being legally considered the most insane and dangerous man on the planet, Harleen was more than happy to receive his case and get a chance to pick his brain and attempt to cure him. But when it came to the Joker, even a mind as bright as hers was in over its head. For every step she thought she had made, the Joker had made two more in the path to bring her to insanity. He was caring, understanding, but, most of all, interested. He knew who she was, and more importantly, why she was. He understood her airhead act and penchant for overanalyzing people, and not only understood, but encouraged it. As she grew to know less about the real him, he grew to know more about the real her. To be fair, she had made progress, and even found out the true reality of who the Joker was before it was too late. In a research paper, she stated that while the Joker seemed insane, he meticulously researched and planned ahead every move he made. He wasn't a poor case study of a madman – he was a secret genius who should be declared sane and executed as soon as possible. But she really should have paid more attention to her own words. Before she knew it, Harleen had fallen completely and totally in love with the Joker, and he had her wrapped around his finger. So she helped him escape and, after a dip in the same chemicals that had turn him into the Joker, she stuck by his side as his number-one sidekick and partner in a horribly abusive relationship that people who sell Joker and Harley T-Shirts clearly aren't aware of. From that day on, she was no longer Harleen Quinzel. She became…Harley Quinn. Get it? Like a harlequin, a brightly-colored servant of the theater? No? Oh well.
Over her years in Gotham's crime syndicate (no, not the evil superhero one), Harley has more than proven her worth as one of Batman's toughest adversaries. Also, she possesses a strange…knowledge of the medium. She doesn't really break the fourth wall, per say, but even after the DC Universe rebooted for the fourth time, she still remembers and refers to her adventures from the first incarnation. And she somehow has kept all powers granted to her throughout all of them! Why? How? Nobody knows. That's also the answer to the question of how she has access to hammerspace. For those of you unaware of the term, this means that she can store way more stuff than she can physically hold on her person and bring any of it out at any time. This has made her arsenal quite large over time, and she can pull things from it at any point. These include baseball bats, chainsaws, throwing stars, kunai, several kinds of bombs and explosives, her two pet hyenas, deadly gases and poisons (including the almost-always lethal Joker Venom, which is basically the world's deadliest laughing gas), handguns, shotguns, a sniper rifle, a pop gun that can pierce steel, an extend-o boxing glove that can pierce steel, and even a plant that heals her wounds and restores her stamina when she sniffs it! Oh, and plenty of hammers. Wooden hammers, iron hammers, spiked hammers, even a diamond hammer and a hammer that's actually a rocket launcher!
Her go-to weapon, though, is the classic Harleen Hammer. This beauty is colored red and black, just like her hair (well, sometimes, she also goes pink and blue and white and even green once, or sometimes just right back to the original blonde), made completely out of carbon-based steel, and it's nearly as tall as she is! Measuring directly from her, this monstrosity would weigh 7.7 Tons! And she wields it like a toothpick! Oh, yeah, her exposure to superhuman chemicals and serums from both the Joker and Poison Ivy has granted her superhuman strength, speed, durability, stamina, senses, reactions, resistance to cutting, the ability to breathe underwater and in space, immunity to all poisons and toxins (including the Joker Venom and Scarecrow's Fear Toxin), and a healing factor that can repair bullet wounds in seconds. Anyway, she's used said hammer to smash through iron bars, tear massive holes in steel walls and spaceships, knock out a fully-armored Batman with one blow, and catch her fair share of victims by surprise by chucking the thing at them, and then having it return to her hand just like Captain America's shield! She's even thrown the thing high into the sky and knocked out an entire band of mercenaries before catching it! Assuming a generously short time frame of twenty-five seconds, throwing it that high would have taken over 14 Tons of Force! Plus, it's basically indestructible, somehow surviving blows from the likes of General Zod and Black Adam, and can deflect projectiles – even laser fire!
And she uses all of these pretty darn well when it comes to fighting. She's knowledgeable in several martial arts, including taekwondo, karate, capoeira, kung fu, wing chun, and a fair amount of others. However, she rarely uses any of these in combat unless it's in conjunction with her favorite martial art – the one she invented specifically for her! This specialty fighting style uses constant acrobatics and gymnastic moves along with flips, kicks, and precise hand movements to make herself unpredictable, fast, and devastatingly effective. She's skilled enough to defeat and humiliate the likes of Deadshot, Catwoman, Nightwing, and even Batman himself in hand-to-hand combat! And, if you don't recall, Batman's studied every martial art in the world! He and Harley have duked it out in hand-to-hand three times – and every time, Harley's beaten him. And then there's the time she fought Superman. In preparation for the match, Superman had been training under a red sun for a day and a half, robbing him of his powers, and then he and Harley faced off in the ring. Now, while Superman didn't have superpowers, he still held his same level of fighting skill. And remember that he's been trained in multiple fighting styles and pressure point combat – he's even bested the likes of Deathstroke in a match based on pure martial arts and techniques. And Harley beat him to a bloody pulp. Her movements are so unpredictable, even Cassandra Cain, whose literal power is the ability to predict her opponents via body movements, can't understand anything about what she's going to do. She's one of only a few people on the planet that Deadshot (whose entire claim to fame is that he never misses) can't hit. Even from a point-blank range, she still manages to trick him into taking the wrong shot!
Her physical abilities are pretty crazy, too. She can jump twenty-five feet into the air, perform a triple flip from a standstill, and support all the weight of her body (around 140 lb) on a single finger. She's strong enough to throw people through concrete walls, tough enough to survive atmospheric reentry on multiple occasions, and fast enough to speed-blitz even the fastest of the bat-family and pretty much everyone in the Gotham Crime Syndicate. Her speed may be her best quality, in fact – in combat, she's been able to keep up with and defeat many foes who can move around Mach 3-5, including Cheetah and, on one occasion, Vixen. In a battle against Catwoman (whom she one-shotted and almost killed), she was able to leave six afterimages in her wake. To do so would mean that, at this point of the fight, she was moving at around 4,500 MPH! It should be noted that she can't really run at that speed, but she can certainly fight that fast. I mean, she's dodged hundred of bullets at once and a point-blank round from a high-velocity sniper rifle.
All this meant that she was more than worthy of being the Joker's greatest helper. Until he kicked her out of his life for no real reason (to be fair, he has tried to kill her on multiple occasions) and she started on her own…adventures. She's teamed up with many superheroes and had some crazy experiences. Like when she became Power Girl's sidekick and went to an alternate dimension with a guy named Manos who wielded infinity rings (real subtle, DC). During some smack talk, she managed to steal every one of the rings right off of his fingers without him noticing, murdered him, and got the two of them back to their reality, where she promptly survived the explosion of a shopping mall. She's fought off a zombie invasion near-singlehandedly, infiltrated Arkham Asylum on several occasions, and defeated dozens of members of the League of Assassins by herself! She's punched a guy wearing full body armor's head clean off, dazed the alien god Barda by throwing a goblet at her, and matched the strength of Killer Croc, who can rip a 27 Ton bank vault door off its hinges with ease!
It's unfortunate, then, that her exposure to those chemicals and the huge amount of time spent around crazy people has made her…kind of insane. I mean, she tortured a guy for days on end in some pretty horrific ways just for dressing up like the Joker, and hallucinated herself saving the life of Santa Claus from inside his brain just to get her mind to recover from the fact that a mall Santa was going to be late for work. Still, she is one of the brightest minds to ever come out of Gotham University, and has been labeled a genius by multiple members of the Justice League.
She's used her quick thinking, ability to use her surroundings, and vast knowledge of psychology in order to fight and sometimes defeat foes she should have no business fighting, including the likes of Black Adam, General Zod, Power Girl, and Zorcrom, all fighters around Superman's level. She could never best any of them in physical combat, so she relied on her wits and exploited their inner psyches, finding weaknesses and using her speed, unpredictability, and pain tolerance to reach said weaknesses before dying. She was nearly able to completely convert Zorcrom, one of the most powerful and evil beings in the underworld, to the side of good with a single conversation. Before, you know, he ran out of food and went on a food-seeking rampage. Even then, she was still able to form a strategy to kill him that ended up succeeding. With her mind, she's a surprisingly effective leader, and at different points has led the Quintets, Sirens, Rouge Gallery, Suicide Squad, and the Secret Six. There have even been a few times she joined the Justice League!
But we're nowhere near done listing off her feats. She's beaten Killer Croc, the Joker, Black Mask, Two-Face, Kitana, and Poison Ivy, and even defeated Robin, Batgirl and Nightwing – and all three at the same time. She's killed a group of kidnappers while tied to a chair, rode Man-Bat's body across the city like surfboard after effortlessly snapping his neck, escaped hell itself, defeated the majority of the Suicide Squad when they went insane, killed a Black Lantern (think zombie super saiyan), murdered up a bunch of zombie superheroes, laughed off the electric chair, and killed an entire room of mercenaries with nothing but a deck of playing cards. She's strong enough to hold back the bite force of a lion, knock a 2001 lb monster out of a boxing ring with one punch, throw the Joker fifty feet into the air, pick up a two-ton car with one hand, and snap a metal barbell – and drive one end of through her victim's throat! Geez!
She's survived having open-body surgery while awake, being flattened like a pancake, a point-blank laser-eye blast from Black Manta, riding a rocket into the horizon where it crashed and exploded, being run over by a car while on top of one of the coldest mountains on earth, wandering the desert for days without food, water, or rest, and being inside a crashing spaceship. This ship in particular was meant to go into outer space, but its thrusters had somehow become reversed and it was thus sent flying, full force, into the ground over twenty miles below. True, the total impact was lessened by it crashing into some ice and then the ocean, and it had lost momentum through spinning, but even accounting for both of those things and only taking into account the space Harley occupied still puts the minimum explosive force she would have gone through at around 180 Tons of TNT. And she was just knocked out for a few minutes! And you'd do well to remember her resistance to cutting weapons. It's not an outright immunity, and very sharp or dangerous objects will definitely hurt her, but most swords, axes, and other things that aren't bullets just send her backwards instead, as if she was hit by a blunt blow.
One time, Joker restrained her in a straightjacket and tied her to a hospital bed in order to throw her into a giant pit of ultimate death. So, what did she do? On the very edge up the pit, she reached up with her legs, grabbed the Joker's neck, and completely reversed the two's positions with one move. And then she just shattered the straightjacket and restrainers with a flex of her chest! She's beheaded a fifty-foot shark, kicked a guy's gun out of his hand so perfectly it shot him in the forehead, helped defeat the entire Chinese military, and bested the champion of the Scrubb, a powerful and tyrannical alien race, which earned her fame around the galaxy as the Champion of the Universe. This eventually led to her being recruited into the Female Furies, the elite warriors of Apokolips. In the process, she killed all of Darkseid's most powerful parademons in a row, and was officially declared a god.
And yet the feat she is most proud of is finally getting out of the Joker's shadow…for now. She now runs an apartment building filled with people who, like her, just don't fit in with the rest of the world. She spends her days taking on the most fun mercenary jobs she can find and protecting her own little corner of reality from threats, finally managing to become a functioning member of society once more. She even became friends with Batman, the man she once swore to kill. Though she still can't tell that he and Bruce Wayne are the same person. Even after spending all day with Bruce Wayne AFTER spending all day with Batman, and then kissing the both of them within the span of ten minutes, she still didn't figure it out.
Still, not many supervillains have claimed multiple smooches from the caped crusader of his own free will.
Not bad for the sidekick of a crazy killer clown.
As she climbs up a giant waving sign in her classic jester outfit, Harley Quinn cries out. "I tried to be good! I really did!" She reaches the top of the sign and stands up. "But if that's not good enough, then fine!" She pulls out a grenade and pulls off the cap with her teeth. As she's about to throw it, she shouts once more.
"Let's get back to the basics!"
She throws the grenade down into the street.
Harley Quinn:
Name: Harleen Quinzel
Species: Human
Height: 5'7"/170 cm
Weight: 140 lb/64 kg
Age: 25+
Occupation: Landlord, Mercenary
Favorite Food: Cheeseburger Sandwiched Between Two Donuts and Deep-Fried in Batter
Snuffs Scarecrow's Fear Toxin for kicks
Skin is actually white – she puts on makeup to look like a normal human
Abilities:
Superhuman Strength
Superhuman Speed
Superhuman Durability
Superhuman Reactions
Superhuman Senses
Superhuman Longevity
Immunity to any and all toxins and poisons
Can breathe without oxygen
Healing Factor
Hammerspace
Fourth Wall Awareness
Resistance to Cutting Weapons
Arsenal:
Chainsaws
Baseball Bats
Pop Gun
Extend-O Boxing Glove
Rifles
Machine Guns
Handguns
Shotguns
Rocket Launchers
Healing Herbs
Healing Plant
Throwing Stars
Kunai
Pie Bombs
Timed Bombs
Normal Bombs
Cannons
Joker Venom
Acid
Other Toxic Gases
Hammers
Diamond Hammer
Iron Spiked Hammer
Rocket Hammer
Harleen Hammer
Feats:
Can support the entire weight of her body on a single finger
Commonly leaves three to four afterimages in her wake
Knocked out Batman cold with just one swing from her hammer
Effortlessly wields Harleen Hammer, threw it up into the air for twenty-five seconds
Dazed the alien god Big Barda
Became a New God of Apokolips
Defeated Joker multiple times
Defeated Batman
Defeated Deadshot
Defeated and nearly killed Killer Croc
Defeated and nearly killed Black Mask
One-shotted and nearly killed Catwoman
Defeated Cassandra Cain
Defeated Poison Ivy
Defeated Two-Face
Defeated the Penguin
Defeated Kitana
Defeated most of the Suicide Squad at once
Rode Man-Bat through the air after breaking his neck
Dodged point-blank bullets multiple times
Shot four guys in less than one second
Tossed Joker fifty feet through the air
Dodged high-velocity shotgun fire
Can scale twenty-five feet with one jump
Even Batman said he would lose a one-on-one street fight against her
Straight-up knocked the head off of a guy wearing full body armor
Healing factor lets her heal from an open bullet wound in just a couple of seconds
Had open surgery while fully awake and didn't care
Laughed off the electric chair
Beheaded a fifty-foot shark
Survived being flattened like a pancake w/o healing factor
Shot off into the horizon on top of a rocket, survived the crash
Killed a group of kidnappers while tied to a chair
Left six afterimages while fighting Catwoman
Killed a room full of mercenaries with nothing but a deck of playing cards
Hammer can send back projectiles, even laser fire
Also, she reacted to laser fire
Survived the frostbitten realm of the top of a mountain, -300 degrees Fahrenheit
Was slammed into by a car, got up more surprised than anything else
Knocked a 2001 lb monster out of a boxing ring with one punch
Defeated Robin, Batwoman, and Nightwing all at the same time
Once moved faster than the eye could track
Killed a Black Lantern
Escaped hell
Led the Quintettes, Sirens, and Suicide Squad
Defeated Black Adam, General Zod through strategy
Matched Killer Croc's strength
Survived atmospheric reentry multiple times
Survived the explosion of a shopping mall
Survived a crashing spaceship
Killed a bunch of zombie superhero clones
Fought off the chinese army w/ Suicide Squad
Stole infinity rings off of Manos' fingers without him realizing it
Survived a point-blank blast from Black Manta
Took out dozens of members of the League of Assassins
Easily smashes people through walls
Is one of the few people that Deadshot can't land a hit on
Once kicked a guy in the head so perfectly that she forced him to shoot himself in the head
Has magic burps that can knock people out
Survived hits from the likes of Zod, Black Adam, and Zorcrom
Knocked out a depowered Superman with a single punch
Defeated the champion of the Scrubb
Defeated Darkseid's most dangerous parademons in gladiatorial combat
Weaknesses:
Insane
Easily distracted
Way too overconfident
Acts like a teenager
Stamina has a limit
Defeated multiple times
Has required help with most impressive feats
…
Juliet Starling:
Take a look around you. You are in but one room of hundreds, likely thousands, in your city. And that city is but one of thousands across the world. And that world is but one of three. Earth, the Land Beyond Words, and the Rotten World are three separate dimensions in harmony with each other – one representing life, one representing rot, and one representing betweeness. And yet sometimes, the barrier between these dimensions becomes a little thin, and the monsters and mayhem of the Rotten World are more than happy to invade our part of reality. When that happens, we need someone to step in. Someone who can protect our world. Someone who can save our people. Someone who can handle these monsters and kill all of them in the cheeriest, most bloody way possible. And that's where the blonde cheerleader known as Juliet Starling comes in.
While in the midst of shooting down a massive group of exploding zombies, Juliet poses a question to her boyfriend, Nick. "What if you flew up in a helicopter over a horde of zombies and you saw they were standing in the shape of a smiley face emoticon?! OH MY GOD! I WOULD LOVE THAT!"
Nick blinks once and replies "Are you sure you haven't eaten a space cake?"
Born as the latest member of a long line of monster hunters, Juliet's destiny was determined for her ever since she was six months old – due to the fact that she killed her first zombie at that age with a sharpened rattle. Talk about setting the bar high! By her eighteenth birthday, she'd fought and killed dozens of supernatural foes – vampires, sasquatches, leprechauns, and frakenberries (not the cereal). So, when the zombie apocalypse turned out to be nigh and started at her school, she wasn't just prepared - she was excited. As she fought and killed zombie after zombie, saving person after person, she put to good work every skill that had been shoved into her brain over the years. And, having trained her whole life under the legendary sensei Morikama (a guy who could slice up zombies faster than the eye could track with a fish), those are a lot of skills. She knows a bunch of different fighting styles and martial arts, including taekwondo, kickboxing, karate, muay thai, and…ballet, pole dancing, wrestling, and a huge amount of gymnastics. She combines aspects of all of these styles into her own personalized martial art, which is just as effective in dealing with groups as it is when it comes to dealing with superpowered individuals. Which is to say, very, very, very effective.
But she doesn't just rely on pure skill. Being a descendant of the Starlings, Juliet is able to access and perform feats of magic, increasing her strength, speed, stamina, and durability to superhuman levels and giving her some…odd powers. She can decapitate an armored zombie with just a punch, dodge huge streams of gunfire from multiple sources with pure acrobatics, and survive giant explosions with relative ease. Her fighting style alone not only made her captain of her cheerleading squad (a feat any high-schooler knows is a million times more impressive than anything on this list), but also allows her to dodge dozens of zombie blows at once and handle fighters with skill levels that are supposedly well above her own. Too bad that she can be kind of an airhead at times and is easily distracted. But when you've got the weapons she does, you can afford to get a little distracted.
Juliet's trademark weapon is her trusty Bedazzled Chainsaw, a magical and incredibly deadly chainsaw that can cut through zombies, trees, energy barriers, and metal doors like butter. It also comes with plenty of perks, like never having to refuel, being indestructible, creating LED lights and sparkles with every successful hit, and setting itself on fire or charging up electrically. It's also been personally modified by Juliet to also serve as a cell phone, a cassette player, and a notebook. Don't ask me how. But more impressive still, it can activate its own magic in order to allow Juliet to perform the Chainsaw Dash, which allows her to move fast enough to form a mach cone around her body! Given its size and diameter, her speed in this form should be reaching around Mach 1.7, and she can keep this form for several minutes with the right fuel supply. As if that all weren't enough, it transforms into a frickin' grenade launcher! This form, the Chainsaw Blaster, can hold up to three dozen rounds at once, can shoot targets over 700 feet away with perfect accuracy, and each of those grenades are powerful enough to pulverize rocks and helicopters far larger than Juliet so thoroughly, the dust created is invisible to the human eye! To do this would require at least 2.5 Tons of TNT, and likely far more. And Juliet can use it rapid-fire to hit zombies right on the nose hundreds of feet away!
When she doesn't feel like using her chainsaw (which is never), she equips her Pom-Poms, two golden balls of streamers that magically appear in her hands out of nowhere and increase her strength by some distance. With these things on, she can easily shove around a 1500 lb street ladder, hit a 4200 lb car several feet into the air, and completely decimate speakers larger than herself, again reaching the point of dissolving them so thoroughly, you can't physically see the dust left over! With just a punch! Her strength even without the Pom-Poms is impressive enough – she can bend metal, create small shockwaves, throw off nine zombies at once (which would have a combined weight of around 1600 lb) without any form of effort, and can even knock over a 700 lb wooden structure with a single finger. Also, she outmatched the biting force of a giant zombie, which, when scaled to human biting forces, could be over 4,500 PSI - that's greater than the biting force of a crocodile, a great white shark, and even a T-Rex! And she didn't even struggle!
Her arsenal is rounded off with another…unusual weapon. So, when she arrived at school and found the place infested with zombies thanks to this emo kid named Swan who's clearly a little too obsessed with The Dark Knight's Joker, her first real effort (after knocking over a 25,000 lb school bus, surviving several sprays of acid to the face, and killing nearly a hundred zombies) was to save her boyfriend, Nick Carlyle, from a horrible zombie fate. As it turned out, though, he ended up saving her life instead – at the cost of his own. In protecting her from a surprise zombie strike, he was bitten in the arm, guaranteeing a zombie transformation. Or not. In order to save him, Juliet beheaded him with her chainsaw and kept his head alive with magic. She would then continue on her zombie-slaying adventure with Nick constantly hanging off the back of her skirt, doling out advice, wisecracks, and complaints whenever she does and doesn't want them.
As they run up some stairs, Juliet asks Nick something. "Nick, what's your favorite color?"
Nick's amputated head shakes around as she jumps up the steps. "Huh? Blue! Er, no, green!"
Juliet giggles. "Oh, I love learning new things about you!"
"Agh! I f**ked up! It's yellow!"
But conversation is hardly all that Nick is good for. Being a magic head has a fair amount of benefits, including this ability to control headless zombies for a short time, or, more helpful, the ability to produce money when shaken. Every once in a while, his head might even spawn a lollipop, which Juliet can eat in order to somehow heal her wounds and restore half her health. He's also virtually indestructible, and so Juliet can utilize him as some sort of homing soccer ball, a flail, or a shotgun blast. And, thanks to their magical connection, he always ends up right back in her hand. So, yes, she uses her boyfriend's decapitated head as a weapon. That's not creepy at all.
So, equipped with a magic chainsaw, strength-enhancing Pom-Poms, a decapitated head, and a fighting style unlike any other, she went on a grand journey to stop the zombie invasion and kill the five Dark Purveyors (basically super zombies from the Rotten World) and had some…weird adventures. Like when she went up against Josey, a zombie who could make video games reality. After playing through zombified versions of several arcade games, Juliet went up to Josey's disco dance floor and shot him up – right up until he turned the whole place into a UFO and she had to fight him on top of an alien spaceship careening through the sky. Oh, and she killed Pac-Man. You know, the guy who shrugged off a giant building falling on him and killed Spooky, one of the most powerful beings in the supernatural world?
When she battled Zed, a punk rock zombie who can move at supersonic speeds (because why not), she was able to catch and smash cars thrown at her at and easily dodge literal words. Yes, this zombie can actually transform his words into a physical attack. This means that they must move at the speed of sound – and she can dodge dozens at once! Even more impressive, she threw a lollipop she was sucking on into the air at the start of the battle, and made it through all of his phases and killed him three times over before the thing fell back down and she caught it! And all of this, mind you, was after shrugging off a hit that literally sent her flying miles away.
She's strong enough to cut through four lead pipes at once, fast enough to dodge a point-blank bullet, tough enough to easily take an explosion that could destroy a four-story house, and skilled enough to cut a zombie's head off in such a way as to send it flying through the air and perfectly landing through a basketball hoop – fifty times in a row! Her senses have been superfied, making it virtually impossible for anything to sneak up on her (unless it's PIS so Nick can become a talking head), she can perform a fifty foot vertical jump (over 25x greater than the average person), and can apparently explode multiple zombies simply by jumping on their heads in quick succession. Plus, when using her chainsaw, she can somehow hover in the air for a full second. And if all that's not enough, if she gets enough successful hits in, she can activate her Star Soul Power, which turns her rainbow-colored, lasts around 20 seconds, and grants increased strength, superior weapons, and complete invulnerability! And it's not like she ever really needs it, either. She's killed plenty of things without it.
Like giant zombies, cow zombies, radioactive zombies, flying zombies, hallucinated zombies, explosive zombies, fiery zombies, electric zombies, space zombies, fictional zombies, giant fire-breathing chicken zombies, and the list goes on. You name a zombie, and chances are good that she can take it down with little effort. Every once in a while, she even shows that she can kill things that aren't zombies, like the time she fought a giant elephant mech suit and tore it to pieces. Her battles against the Dark Purveyors have shown off her skills pretty darn well. Like when she fought Vikke, a viking zombie with an electric drum set that's literally electric, on top of his Viking ship as it sailed through the night sky. After taking dozens of lightning bolts to the head, and, through pattern recognition, dodging dozens more, she did manage to take him down, and his ship with him. And she survived the crash with no real injuries whatsoever!
In fact, her ability to take a hit and keep on going like nothing happened is perhaps her strongest trait. When she found out that her school birthday cake had been stuffed with dynamite, and a bunch of zombies also stuffed with dynamite broke in, she jumped through the window to escape the explosion. However, the explosion went off instantly after she left the window, and, given her size and measuring the distance between her and the dynamite, she should have felt the full force of the explosion regardless. That means she experienced enough explosive force to obliterate several houses – and didn't notice. She's constantly taking hits that send her flying miles away, enduring powerful electric shocks, acid sprays, fire, and many other normally fatal things without flinching, and can eat several bullets, fall over, and get right back up unfazed. She's not bulletproof, certainly, but her training has made her able to charge through even the toughest of situations while ignoring any pain she might be feeling. Probably. Hey, you come up with a better explanation!
Anyway, she fell for eight straight seconds into a hole, landed on her feet, and acted like nothing happened. Given her size, she'd be falling at the end of it all at speeds of over 175 MPH, and would land with nearly 8 Tons of Force. And she didn't even feel it! She's been rammed by a bus, thrown through walls, and powered through a minefield! And remember that UFO? After defeating and murdering Josey, the entire ship was hit with a powerful series of explosions that cut it in half! Note that, while many claim Juliet was the one who cut it, she clearly wasn't. She has no other feat supporting such an outlier, and her dad had snuck in with her with plenty of explosives – and the spaceship-cutting explosion happened right after he left. So, yeah, it's pretty clear that he set up charges to go off. Still, she was right above the explosion when it happened, and was fine. That's really impressive, since, estimating its size and assuming an average steel shearing strength of around 64,000 PSI, the amount of explosive force necessary to rend it in half would be around 475 Tons of TNT! And after taking this point-blank, she jumped off the ship and survived atmospheric reentry and the trip to the ground! AND LAUGHED!
And, while fighting Mariska, a psychedelic hippie zombie, she was purposefully given a constant drug-induced high. Even while experiencing simultaneous sensory overload and sensory deprivation, a distorted sense of time, confusion, constant anxiety, impaired judgement, and consistent hallucinations, she was able to murder no less than six hundred zombies and kill Mariska – FOURTEEN TIMES. Holy crap.
She'd be perfect – if only she wasn't easily distracted, overexuberant, and kind of a ditz. It's not that she's a bad strategist, in fact, she's actually pretty decent when she puts her mind to it – but rarely does she put her mind to it. This even led to her accidentally opening up a door to the Rotten World and letting loose Killabilly, who's basically Satan if Satan was grotesquely fat, looked like Elvis Presley, and was the size of a skyscraper. Don't worry, though – she killed him. In the process, she caught more cars thrown at inhuman speeds and built a bridge out of them twice, dodged 900 MPH laser beams with ease, and even took a few hits from said lasers – which were powerful enough to obliterate skyscrapers! And, after jumping into his skyscraper-sized body and exploding it, she just kinda…sat there, completely unhindered by the explosion. A skyscraper-sized explosion – and it doesn't faze her.
And, as a final feat, here's me reminding you that all of this – every single feat, ability, skill, and fight we just mentioned, happened in a single day. That's around 15 hours of straight fighting and doing all this crap – and she was still ready for Round 2. Who needs sleep when you have murder?
Ditz or not, there's no need to fear the zombie apocalypse when Juliet has our back. Unless we turn into zombies. Then she'll kill us, brutally and cheerfully.
A massive series of explosions tears open the floor of the hallway in front of Juliet, exposing several zombies underneath.
As they look into the hole, Nick asks "So, what are you going to do now, Juliet?"
Juliet laughs. "Watch me, Nick!"
She then leaps onto the nearest zombie's head, and then flips over to the next one, and continues to dance, flip, and stylize her way across every zombie's head, all the while shouting out cheerleader chants. When she reaches the other side of the pit unscathed, she stands still and raises her chainsaw up into the air.
"You're already dead!"
There's a brief second of silence before every zombie explodes into a hundred gory pieces.
Juliet Starling:
Name: Juliet Starling
Species: Human
Height: 5'6"/168 cm
Weight: 165 lb/75 kg
Age: 18
Occupation: Student, Monster Hunter
Favorite Food: Strawberry Lollipops
GPA: 3.4
Fluent in Japanese
Abilities:
Superhuman Strength
Superhuman Reactions
Superhuman Durability
Superhuman Senses
Superhuman Pain Tolerance
Superhuman Stamina
Knowledgable in multiple fighting styles
~Karate
~Kickboxing
~Boxing
~Taekwondo
~Muay Thai
~Judo
~Ballet
~Pole Dancing
~Wrestling
~Acrobatics/Gymnastics
Arsenal:
Bedazzled Chainsaw
~Virtually unbreakable
~Can slice right through almost anything
~Infinite fuel
~Creates sparkles and LED lights
~Can set itself on fire
~Can make itself electric
~Can use Chainsaw Dash to move at superhuman speeds
~Transforms to become Chainsaw Blaster, fires 36 grenades
Pom-Poms
~Increases strength
Nick Carlyle's Head
~Money & Lollipop Generation
~Indestructibility
~Sentience
~Magical link to Juliet causes him to always end up back in her hands
Star Soul Power
Feats:
Killed her first zombie at six months old with a sharpened rattle
Survived the explosion of a UFO
Survived atmospheric reentry
Flipped over the height of two school buses
Performed a fifty foot vertical jump
Dodged sprays of gunfire multiple times
Threw off nine zombies like it was nothing
Was in a bus which was then rammed into and blew up
Kicked open a metal door, breaking the metal lock
Cut through four metal sewage pipes at once
Doesn't flinch when sprayed in the face with radiation
Can dodge blows from several zombies at once
Dodged point-blank gunfire
Smashed through a metal garage door with a kick
Easily survives explosions from zombies that can level a one-story building
Can apparently blow people up by jumping on top of them
Cut heads off of zombies in such a way that they go flying and soar through a basketball hoop no matter where they actually are in the room
Survived being only around six feet from an explosion that could potentially destroy several houses, barely noticed
Took a eight-second fall on her feet like it was nothing
Destroy a giant robot elephant mech
Powered through a minefield
Can take multiple gunshots and only fall over
Was hit miles away into a junkyard, got up like nothing happened
Can almost effortlessly dodge literal physical words
Easily sliced a car in half as it was falling on her
Sliced and caught several others when thrown at her
Knocked over a 1500 lb street ladder with a kick
Defeated the five Dark Purveyors
Threw her lollipop into the air and killed Zed three times over before it fell back to the ground
Could recognize lightning-based attacks and dodge them
Survived several lightning bolts to the head and face
Knocked over a 700 lb wooden structure with one finger
Survived a crashing Viking ship from thousands of feet in the sky without a scratch
Killed 600+ zombies and Mariska while drugged out
Killed Pac-Man
Killed over 1300 zombies
Apparently killed vampires, sasquatches, leprechauns, frankenberries
Dodged a 900 MPH laser beam
Survived said beam, which could destroy skyscrapers
Outmatched the bite force of Killabilly
Survived being in the center of Killbilly's explosion, which was as big as a skyscraper
Destroyed several giant rocks with one shot of the Chainsaw Blaster
Using the Chainsaw Blaster, one-shotted a helicopter
Weaknesses:
Extremely impatient
Always getting into fights
Kind of an airhead
Easily distracted
Easily tricked
Not used to fighting intelligent foes
More accustomed to group combat than 1v1
…
All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all. It's time for a Death Battle!
…
"Come on, Nick, this is fun!" Juliet declared as she ran into the school theater. "I'd want to be a decapitated head if I was having this much fun!"
"Constantly getting motion sickness and being splattered with zombie guts is not fun," Nick grumbled. "The only good part of this whole thing is always being near your a-"
"Shh!" Juliet quieted him and ground to a halt. "I hear something!"
"Is it a voice telling you to leave me behind next time?"
"Nope!" shouted another voice from behind the theater's curtains. Suddenly the doors shut behind them and…melted together, then locked just for good measure. "It's an invitation! To the biggest party in your whole life! Your death!" The curtains parted, revealing a blonde woman with a stretched-out smile, pigtails dyed pink and blue at the ends, and chalk-colored skin, dressed in the clothes of a jester. She was sitting on top of a massive birthday cake with chainsaws painted all over it and mutilated zombie parts sticking out of all aspects – even the candles were nothing more than zombie fingers lit on fire.
"Ugh! That is easily the fourth-worst birthday cake I've ever been given in my life!" Juliet shouted. She stepped forward, chainsaw outstretched. "Wait, you're not a zombie!"
"Of course not!" Harley replied. "Who'd want to be zombie? You'd be all slow and grangly and smelly and couldn't say anything but 'brains!'"
"Actually," Nick said, unable to see anything that was happening, "all the zombies we've killed could totally talk. Hey…do you think they were sentient? I mean, they could talk, they had feelings they were in pain…did we just murder hundreds of living beings for no reason? Did we just murder our former friends for no reason?!"
"No, Nicky! Think like a monster hunter! It doesn't count if they're zombies!"
Harley tilted her head. "Would it matter if they were people? I mean, they were trying to kill you and all. And if they were your friends-"
"Of course it matters!" Nick shouted back. "Er, right? Juliet?"
Juliet seemed indecisive. "Well, I don't know. On one hand, they're our friends, and on the other hand, they're fun to kill. And zombies."
"Why was 'and zombies' an afterthought?!"
"So," Harley interrupted, "if we can get back to the part where I kill you, that'd be great."
"Hah!" Juliet shouted, and pointed the Bedazzled Chainsaw to the ceiling. "You wish!"
"Wait," Nick interjected. "You're a human, right? Why're you fighting against us, not the zombies?"
"Dude," Harley huffed. "I'm a god now! I got responsibilities and stuff! And when Apokolips wants to help some dimension invade some other version of Earth, I gotta do that! I'm Harley Quinn! I have a reputation to uphold!"
"Yeah!" Juliet threw out. "A reputation of annoying me!"
There was a moment of silence.
"Wow, Juliet," Nick stated sarcastically. "You really got her. She'll wake up in a cold sweat thinking about that one."
"Don't be stupid, Nick!" Juliet replied, revving up the chainsaw as Harley pulled out a black and red hammer. "She can't wake up in a cold sweat if she's dead!"
"Have we not been fighting people who can do that for that past twelve hours?" Nick questioned.
Harley jumped at Juliet.
-FIGHT!-
Juliet flipped out of the way.
Get used to hearing that line.
Harley swung her hammer around her in a spinning circle, zooming ahead at Juliet, who performed a cartwheel to the side and blackflipped over Harley's swinging form. Juliet instantly transformed her chainsaw into the Chainsaw Blaster, and unleashed four rounds at Harley in the blink of an eye. Harley stopped spinning, saw the grenades coming, and hit them all back with her hammer. Juliet leapt up to the ceiling and over the returning grenades, and then ran back to behind a row of fold-out chairs as the grenades exploded on the ground, harming nobody.
"Um," Nick questioned, "did she just throw those grenades back at us?"
"Oh!" Juliet shouted, startling Nick. "What if I had bounced them back at her? We could've had a game of Ping-Pong!"
"More like Hot Potato, considering," Nick corrected.
"Nick! I'm ashamed of you! How dare you even think I'd do that!"
"Huh?"
"Special delivery!" Harley shouted at the two as several banana crème pies flew through the air.
"Juliet! Run!"
"Don't be silly, Nick!" Juliet declared, "They're just delicious pies! Oh, do you think eating one will restore my health?!"
"WHY WOULD YOUR ENEMY BE THROWING PIES AT-"
The pies all landed and splattered against Juliet, coating her body in bananas, whipped cream, and filling. There were a few seconds of silence.
"Huh. I guess I was wrong," Nick confessed.
"What?" Harley shouted mournfully. "I was sure those were the explosive ones! Dang it, now I just wasted my whole secret pie stash for nothing!"
"This is delicious!" Juliet exclaimed, licking her lips. "Hey, Nick, want to help li-"
"TIME TO PAY!" Harley shouted. She pulled out a chaingun and began firing every bullet at Juliet. Juliet, however, just jumped up over the spray and mid-air-flipped forward, successfully dodging every bullet from the gun.
Harley grunted, a little annoyed. This girl just wouldn't get hit! Well, if a chaingun wasn't going to work, maybe getting in close would. "Hey, girlie! Catch this!" She pulled out a grenade and pulled the cap off with her teeth before throwing it up to the ceiling, curving in an arc towards Juliet. The grenade exploded near the top of the room, sending debris flying at Juliet. Juliet dove out of the way and closer towards Harley. She shot three blasts at Harley, who quickly swung her chaingun and hit them up towards the hole she'd already made, merely expanding it. Juliet switched to her chainsaw and swung at Harley, who easily dodged to the left. Juliet swung again, but she dodged once more. Again swung, and again dodged. Then Harley ducked underneath the chainsaw's blade to reach the girl she was fighting and popped up, hitting Juliet's chin hard with her head. Harley pressed this to her advantage, inflicting multiple strikes on various pressure points, eliciting a cry of pain from Juliet.
"Try not to get hit so often," the decapitated head attached to her skirt advised. Juliet huffed. "I AM TRYING!" Juliet switched out her chainsaw for her Pom-Poms and struck ahead at superhuman speeds, utilizing some Muay Thai to disable Harley's shoulder. But Harley blocked the attack with her wrist, crossed her other wrist over it, and used the momentum and pressure Juliet had put into the strike to flip her body over the arm, striking Juliet in the face with both feet and sending her flying back with a dislocated arm.
Juliet stood back up seemingly unhindered. "Aw, now that's going to be sore for, like, almost a week!" She grasped her own forearm and snapped it back into place.
"There's one problem with that logic," Harley giggled. She pulled a massive, circus-like cannon out of nowhere. "You're not going to live that long!" The cannon fired a massive cannonball, but Juliet brought out her chainsaw, ran at the cannonball, and cleaved it clean in half as it flew at her, which sent both halves flying in different directions.
Harley bit her lip, even further annoyed. "Okay, smartie," she announced, bringing out a chainsaw of her own. "Let's make this even more even, and eventually, even you can even even out when compared to how evenhanded my eventful-"
Juliet activated the Chainsaw Dash and reached Harley in an instant. "SHUT UP!"
Harley swung her chainsaw upwards, but the Bedazzled Chainsaw cleaved it in half instantly. Harley dove out of the way of the next strike, leaving her back on the ground and exposed. Juliet leapt into the air, chainsaw pointing down, intending to impale Harley through the stomach and end this. Harley only barely rolled out of the way in time, which caused Juliet to impale the rug-covered concrete below her.
Harley pulled out her diamond hammer and slammed it upwards into Juliet's stomach, shoving her into the air with a gasp, and causing her to hit the ceiling and fall back down to the ground. She stumbled a bit while trying to get up and turned to face Harley – only to get a punch to the cheek from a spring-loaded boxing glove, which knocked her down once again. She rolled across the floor and backflipped back up to her feet…and saw a giant diamond hammer spinning through the air, heading right for her. Time seemed to slow down as she exhaled. She'd been getting the crap beaten out of her all night. She was done with this. Everything has a weak spot.
Eyes now open, she pulled back a punch and put forward her index and middle fingers. The hammer spun vertically –despite what she seemed to be seeing, it was really moving at supersonic speeds. But she could deal with that.
Because every diamond has one scratch.
She thrust her fingers forward right as the hammer came within a foot of her, striking a pressure point directly in the middle of the head of the hammer – and the whole thing shattered like glass.
Harley backed up and grinned. Oh, this one is tougher than she looks. This might actually be fun. She shot out the boxing glove again, but this time, Juliet caught it and yanked it forward, forcing Harley, much to her surprise, right at her. As Harley came with punching distance, Juliet switched to her Pom-Poms again, leapt a couple of feet into the air, and caught Harley by the neck with her legs. She hooked one arm under her foot and pulled it up while simultaneously pushing off with the other foot. This sent Harley spinning through the air with a bruised arm, and about to be face-planted into a concrete wall. But barely in time, she managed to steady herself. She caught the fall with open palms and used her gained momentum to flip over and land perfectly on her feet. She pulled out another hammer and turned to swing it at Juliet, who had used the Chainsaw Dash to get up close again. Juliet ducked under the first swing and threw a kick at Harley, which she avoided. Harley swung again – and Juliet caught bottom of the hammer with her open hand. She grasped it, and suddenly Harley wasn't able to move the thing at all.
"Looks like you've got some surprises left," Harley giggled out. The end of the hammer popped off. "SURPRISE!" A rocket fired out of the previously empty space, aimed right at Juliet's face – but Juliet switched to her Bedazzled Chainsaw and sliced it right in half.
Harley backed up a bit. "Not fair! That was my seventy-fourth favorite hammer!"
Nick blinked. "How many hammers do you-"
"ALL OF THEM!" Harley screamed, pulling a new metal hammer out of nowhere. In an instant she was behind Juliet and hit her square in the back, and then she was in front of her and smacked her in the stomach. Then behind her, and then in front, and so on, each time barraging Juliet with blow after blow.
"Oh, no!" Juliet shouted, slightly mortified but seemingly unaffected. "My daddy told me to be careful in high school to never get hammered! He's going to be so mad!"
Harley stopped hitting her. "Um, doesn't that hurt?!"
"Huh? Was it supposed to?"
There was yet another moment of silence.
"Juliet," Nick said, breaking it, "there are times I think you are overly compulsive and weird, and suspect you might be slightly psychopathic. I love you, but you should know that this is one of those times."
"Really, Nick?!" Juliet answered. "I LOVE YOU, TOO!"
"Did you seriously not listen to a wor-"
"And I'm ending this prematurely," Harley interrupted. She whipped out a bottle of radioactive spray and sprayed it around the air. Juliet coughed a bit, but was in no way dying.
"UGH!" Juliet shouted. "There goes my singing voice for the next two days! You are easily the most annoying not-zombie I've fought today!" She lifted up the Bedazzled Chainsaw and ran at a surprised Harley, getting in a solid swing.
Harley, for her part, was way faster than Juliet, and was quick to react. She hadn't expected the attack, but managed to scoot backwards anyway – but not quite quickly enough. The chainsaw tore through part of her jester attire and her clothes underneath, and nicked her skin. Luckily, her healing factor had it patched up real quick. But that didn't stop Harley's anger.
"YOU VANILLA- THAT WAS MY FAVORITE OUTFIT! AND MY THIRD-FAVORITE BLOUSE!" She pulled out a giant axe. "That's it. You need to die."
She rushed at Juliet and swung the axe, which Juliet quickly backflipped over. Juliet then ducked under the axe, cut through it with her chainsaw, and struck a nerve in Harley's exposed skin, sending her reeling in pain. Seething, Harley flipped into the air, spin-kicking Juliet's head – or she would have if Juliet hadn't jumped into the air, scissored Harley's leg with hers, and flipped the pigtailed god all the way through the air, slamming her on her back with enough force to smash the concrete floor. She again attempted the chainsaw impalement, but was struck across the face by the handle of the now-cut axe and feel to the ground next to Harley. The two jumped up at the same time and ran at each other. Juliet sliced through the air at Harley, but Harley kicked into Juliet's wrist, temporarily disabling it, and pulled out a handgun. "Take this, you blouse-ripper!"
Juliet inhaled in shock at having been bested when Harley pulled the trigger.
And then she sighed in relief when all that came out was a flag with the word "Bang!" on it. Juliet actually started to laugh.
"Huh?" Harley stepped up a bit. "I coulda shoulda woulda sworn this was the shooty gun! Oh, wait." She pointed it back at Juliet. "It is." She pressed the trigger and the flag shot out – and impaled itself right into Juliet's left eye.
Juliet screamed, this time in pain. She pulled out the flag quickly enough, but blood still spurted from the permanently-blinded eye. "That's it! I've tried to be nice! I've tried to have fun! But you've made my arm sore, strained my perfect voice, made me waste a lot of time and ammo, and it'll be at least two weeks before I can put an order in for a robot eye! I should tear you apart right here, right now!"
"Baby, I'm so sorr- wait, you can get robot body parts?!" Nick exclaimed.
Pain instantly forgotten, Juliet blinked with her remaining eye and replied "Yeah! You don't think every monster hunter goes through their life without losing a limb or two, do you?"
"So…you think they could make a whole robot body? For, say, a head kept alive through magic?"
Juliet tilted her head to the left, clearly thinking. "I dunno – it'd be a lot of work, and would need tons of parts if you want to do anything with it."
"Especially is you want to do…ahem, anything with it." Nick acknowledged. "Lots of parts. Spindles, widgets, and at least two nuts."
"Don't forget the screws!" Juliet reminded him.
"Baby," Nick replied, "the nuts are for the screws. It would also need at least one shaft. Maybe more."
"Don't be silly! What could you do with an extra shaft in your body?"
"I can think of a few things. Definitely would help the cogs and the couplings."
"STOP THAT! You deserve way more than that little retina replacement!" Harley shouted back.
None of them noticed the moaning and groaning heading their way.
"WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?" Juliet continued the shouting.
"MY. FAVORITE. BLOUSE!"
"Third-favorite," Nick corrected.
"MY PREFERENCES ARE DETERMINED BY ANGER! AND I AM VERY ANGRY!"
The zombie noises grew louder.
Juliet stuttered. "Yeah? Well…you're white!"
Nick mentally sighed. "Juliet, we're all white."
"Nuh-uh! There were, like, twelve black students at our school!"
"And now they're zombies and we've probably killed them." Nick crossed his eyes. "Wait, does that make us racis-"
"YEARGH!" Harley jumped at them, swinging a giant sword. Juliet dove down and sliced through it with ease.
Harley clamped her teeth and threw the handle behind her. Completely ignorant of the zombified faces appearing in the roof's hole behind her, she took out a remote with a single button. "Fine! I'll just explode you!"
"You can't do that!" Juliet shouted at her.
"Yes, I can! All those zombie hands, legs, heads, and fingers in that giant cake? All bombs!"
Nick blinked. "HOW?!"
"The powers of us gods are far beyond you mortals!" proclaimed Harley. "The, uh, candles were supposed to set them off…but I forgot to buy the flammable zombie body parts back at Apokolips-R-Us." She waved the remote in the air. "But this trigger will make them all explode at once!"
"Hold on," Juliet stepped forward, trying to reason this out in her head. "But if you do that – you'll blow up, too! And that's bad! Well, for you. Good for me. But then I'll be dead, so it can't be good for me if I don't exist. So don't do it!"
"IMMA DO IT!" Harley shouted, finger moving towards the trigger.
"DON'T YOU DARE!"
Harley put her finger on the button. "IMMA DO IT!"
"So, am I the only one of us who notices that we are SURROUNDED BY ZOMBIES?" Nick shouted.
Harley and Juliet paused and glanced around them. Indeed, while they were talking, hundreds of zombies had dropped in from the hole in the roof and were now running at the three of them.
Harley blinked. Then she turned back to Juliet. "IMMA DO-"
Juliet kicked the remote out of her hand and sent it flying into the cake. She then turned around to slice a zombie's head clean off its shoulder. She was suddenly swarmed by six more, but managed to destroy each one carefully and quickly with her chainsaw.
Harley, meanwhile, had equipped the Harleen Hammer, and was flattening every zombie that came her way with ease. One swing could take out three of the shambling figures, splattering their body parts everywhere. Juliet did similarly well with the Bedazzled Chainsaw, hacking and slashing and stylizing her way to victory against dozens of zombies. She jumped over one's head and switched to her Chainsaw Blaster, then began letting loose, destroying several zombies with every one of the five blasts she unleashed.
Seeing an opportunity, Harley flipped a zombie over her shoulder, pulled out a handgun, and fired at Juliet. Instantly seeing the shot coming, Juliet double-flipped through the air, snapping two zombies' necks, dodging the bullet, and firing off three grenades at Harley, who sent two zombies at two of them with a swing of her hammer, then shot the one unblocked grenade out of the air with a perfectly placed bullet. She twirled around on her leftmost toe and fired off five more shots into the heads of zombies. Seeing her gun out of bullets, she tossed it through the air where it hit another zombie on the head, knocking it out cold. While the bodies of the five around her were still falling, she whammed them with the Harleen Hammer at Juliet, who incinerated them all with one fired grenade.
Juliet sliced through four more zombies and fired three more rounds at Harley, who casually backflipped out of the way of each and every one of them, as if she could see them in slow motion. Harley whipped out a shotgun, and was somehow able to duel-wield both her hammer and the gun, and strike her targets accurately with both every time. Juliet clamped her teeth. She was having a little more trouble than usual thanks to her disabled eye – she kept swinging at a zombie only to realize she was swinging in the wrong spot. But she was still good. Better than this pretender. This non-monster hunter who hunted monsters and hunted her! What?
Juliet shook her head and leapt up to the ceiling. She stuck her chainsaw blade into the ceiling and stood there, hanging from above, way farther than any zombie could reach. Harley looked up and squinted. She then began taking potshots at Juliet while simultaneously holding off the horde of zombies that was quickly losing interest in the meat they couldn't reach. But Juliet was fast and agile enough to dodge every bullet that came her way, even while in mid-air. She stuck out her tongue at Harley. She just had to wait this one out.
"So…uh, what we doin' up here?" Nick questioned.
"Oh," Juliet laughed. "Just waiting. See, those zombies can't reach me here, and that girl can't shoot me down. Sooner or later, either she's going to die, or the zombies are. Or both."
"And…you can hang on for that long?"
"Oh, Nicky, I can hang on for as long as I need to. I have great stamina! What's your stamina like?"
"Um…let's talk about something else."
Harley slammed her hammer through another zombie's head. This sucked. She was trapped in a dim building lit only by stage lights, surrounded by moaning men who just wanted a bite of her. It was like college all over again. And to top it all off, her target, the person she was supposed to kill, was casually hanging on the ceiling and dodging every shot Harley could make. This ceiling was especially high – Harley doubted she could make it up there with just a jump. She just needed to coax Juliet out of there.
"So," she shouted to Juliet, "you're just going to hang around here? Watch me take out all these zombies by myself?"
"That's pretty much the plan, yes."
"Great. They were too much for you, I get it. No problem."
Juliet's remaining eye twitched. "What?"
"Oh, no," Nick groaned.
"You're letting me do all this work because you don't want to. I get it. It'd be hard to be a zombie killer or monster hunter. You're not the kind of person who'd like that."
"How dare you judge me like that! Nick, sue her!"
"No," Harley continued, "you'd much rather sit on the sidelines, watching the others do the work, and then take the credit. There are lots of people like you."
"There's nobody else like me! And I do stuff! I never sit back and watch – I get right into the action and kill up everything!"
"Right." Harley judo-flipped a zombie into another zombie. "And what exactly do you do again?"
"Uh, duh! I'm a cheerleader!"
"And what do cheerleaders do? Sit back and watch others win, and then take the credit for it. Hmm, now why does that sound familiar?"
"Hey! That's…not what I do! I, uh, I'm also a monster hunter!"
"And this is how you monster hunt? Sit back and watch others- I mean, not to sound like a broken record, but the pattern's getting obvious."
"No! I don't! My whole family – I mean, sure, I haven't fought THAT much compared to my dad, but he's like…uh, I, uh, I don't!"
"Oh, yeah?" Harley grinned and backhanded a zombie across the room. "Prove it."
"Uh, Juliet, don't listen to her. Your plan's well and goo-WAH!" Nick exclaimed as Juliet flipped herself upside down, pushed against the ceiling with her legs, and dug out the chainsaw before landing perfectly back onto the floor.
Juliet spun around with the chainsaw. "We'll see who's the slacker here! Nick Popper!"
Nick stopped short. "Wait, wha-"
Juliet grabbed Nick's disembodied head and held it up. "You're so sexy, Nick!" she declared happily before kissing his forehead. Instantly, her chainsaw transformed into a loudspeaker-looking cannon and she began launching Nick at various zombies, each one halting and remaining stunned after being hit. In only a couple a seconds, they were surrounded only by stunned zombies.
"That freakin' hurt!" Nick shouted.
"Not as much as this will," Juliet laughed out. She revved up the Bedazzled Chainsaw and spun around in a circle, decapitating seven zombies at once, and kicked one of the flying heads right out of the air and at Harley, who winked and bounced it away with her hammer. The head went through several other zombies, knocking them down like bowling pins, and…kept going. And going.
Right into the cake.
And right onto the button.
Seeing its trajectory, Harley's eyes bugged out. "Well, uh, have a nice day!" She jumped on top of a zombie and used it as a launching pad to get through the hole in the ceiling. She flipped off the roof of the theater and onto the roof of the garden club, but even with her speed, she only made it halfway across before the theater was lit up in an enormous explosion, incinerating everything inside of it – and a good portion of the building she was on top of.
The explosion's air impact caught her off-guard and sent her falling to the ground dozens of feet away, where her body scraped and skated across the grass and tore up, well, everything, before finally coming to a halt right next to the edge of the outdoor swim-team's practice pool. Why would the swim team use an outdoor pool, she had no idea, but this school was already weird and perverted. It wasn't that big of a surprise. She got up bruised, with her healing factor quickly covering any serious wounds.
Well, at least she'd completed her mission. She stood up and looked over at the rubble left over from the explosion – what little there was left. Every one of those finger bombs could have probably taken out that building, and there were a bunch of more powerful bombs than that in that cake. There was no way any normal human could survive an explosion of that magnitude.
Then the dust cleared, revealing a rainbow-colored chainsaw-wielding not-incinerated girl in the middle.
"Well. That sucks."
Juliet reached her target with a Chainsaw Dash in less than a second. Harley immediately struck her over the head with the Harleen Hammer, but it did absolutely nothing thanks to Juliet's Star Soul Power. Juliet smiled a deadly smile at Harley, then sliced at her with the Bedazzled Chainsaw. She was much faster than she'd been before - she caught Harley off-guard and sent her soaring into the air with a spurt of blood. While she was still in mid-air, Juliet launched four grenades at her, each one of each hit their target. Harley fell back to the ground, gasping and smoking. Juliet batted her away again with the chainsaw, and kept blasting away. By the time Harley was able to react, she'd already been struck three times.
But she'd been on the losing end of the stick before. Harley jumped up and flipped out of the way of the next two grenades. She threw out over a dozen bombs, and each one hit Juliet in succession, but their explosions did nothing to her rainbow-colored body. Juliet used the Chainsaw Dash to close the distance between them and slammed her chainsaw's hilt into Harley's forehead, sending her back to the ground, head cut and bleeding. A point-blank blast from the Chainsaw Blaster later, and she fell back, holding her stomach in pain. Even as the Star Soul Power wore off, Harley still ran and leapt all the way across the pool, landing on the other side of the pool without once touching the water. Juliet grumbled and launched two more grenades across the pool at Harley, who quickly dodged both. Harley suddenly jumped into the pool with a huge splash, one that…didn't really work with the laws of physics. Juliet turned instinctively to avoid being caught in the splash, and by the time she'd turned back, Harley was gone.
"Oh...drat! DRAT! DRATTY DRAT DRAT!"
"Wow, you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Nick asked sarcastically.
"Where'd she go?!"
"Relax, babe. You've got eyes in the back of your head, remember? Well, back of the a-"
"I'M BACK!" Harley shouted from a few dozen feet away before opening fire on them with a sniper rifle.
Instantly Juliet turned and sliced the bullet out of the air. She transformed her weapon back into the Chainsaw Blaster and took aim. "And…you're gone!" she shot at Harley, who quickly front-flipped over the grenade, switched to a shotgun, and took a shot. Juliet dodged to the side and began walking forward, shooting forth another grenade. Harley matched her pace forward, shooting again. Both easily dodged the other's projectile and kept walking and shooting. Two potshots later on both sides, and they were only a few feet away. Harley switched to her hammer and punted the blaster away at the last moment before it shot another grenade to her face. She twirled around and swung her hammer, only stopping it mere inches from Juliet's cheek when her head turned and found itself face-to-face with the end of the Chainsaw Blaster.
The two held their poses, each on the verge of destroying the other, for less than a second before Juliet pulled the trigger.
And nothing happened.
Harley grinned wickedly and shook her head, ponytails bouncing. "Thirty-six shots, right? You don't keep count too well."
"Uh, Juliet?" Nick questioned, face paling.
Harley pressed a flower on her jester jacket, sending a spray of acid into Juliet's remaining eye. Juliet screamed in pain and desperately tried to claw it out before Harley slammed into her stomach again with her hammer, throwing Juliet a bit backwards – right as the end of the hammer popped off, revealing a rocket inside of it.
"And...checkmate." Harley fired the rocket right into Juliet's face, creating an explosion that forced Juliet through the air, landing in the pool, the weight of her chainsaw pulling her to the bottom. Harley giggled and pulled out a large bottle of Joker Venom, which she poured into the pool water. At the bottom, a barely conscious Juliet began sniffing up bits of water. Something tickled her nose, and suddenly, she was laughing – laughing and inhaling enormous draughts of water.
It wasn't two minutes before she stopped laughing altogether.
-KO!-
Harley snorted. "Well, that was annoying. Time to find a new favorite blouse!" She finished off the job by dumping all of her remaining hundreds of bombs into the pool, exploding them all with the press of a button hours later from outer space.
…
Oh, so that's why every high school has anti-drug PSAs.
This was certainly a close match – a fact that somewhat surprised me, considering how much more content one character has to fall back on than the other. But when we dole out the classic advantages, they're basically dead even. That in itself certainly doesn't guarantee a close fight, but the really annoying thing is how for every advantage one of them takes, the other has some sort of advantage that cancels it out.
Both have around equal levels of strength – while Harley has performed one or two feats more impressive than anything Juliet has, Juliet has more feats around that caliber than Harley does, so it evens out pretty well. Harley has a superior fighting style, but Juliet makes up for it with her better agility. Harley has more natural skill, but Juliet has had far more training. In terms of experience, Harley is far more used to dealing with large threats, but Juliet has been fighting and killing things years longer than Harley – so that evens out, too. In fact, they were also even when it came to their arsenals - Harley's large arsenal enables more options, but the Bedazzled Chainsaw alone exceeds almost everything Harley has, but its comparative lack in variety means she isn't able to perform as many creative feats. And while Juliet's lollipops are way more effective healing items, Harley's plant and healing factor are certainly more easily accessed, since there's no need to stop a fight for twenty seconds to shake a head and hope some candy comes out.
And then there's the big problem. Harley's speed and Juliet's durability. Both way outclass the other fighter in those specific aspects, and that's one of the things that made determining a winner very difficult. Juliet has never reached or even fought anybody with anywhere close to Mach 3 capabilities, while Harley not only has, but has exceeded them, being able to reach up to Mach 5 and, on one occasion, even Mach 12, when to comes to pure fighting speed! Juliet's lack of experience dealing with someone that fast meant there was no real way she was getting a hit in anytime soon. However, she could likely still dodge a fair amount of Harley's attempted attacks, and even if any connected, it wouldn't do much. Juliet shrugging off that 475 Ton explosion is way more impressive than any durability feats Harley's performed – in fact, she was knocked out by an explosion that was only worth around 180 Tons. So there was really nothing that Harley had on her that could do any real damage to Juliet.
But with the utter lack of hits available, chances of Juliet accessing her Star Soul Power were minimal at best, and Harley can certainly dodge for another 20 seconds if she does manage to activate it. And even if Juliet did land a few hits, Harley's bonus against cutting attacks and healing factor meant it'd be very unlikely for her to die from just a few stray chainsaw blows. And her surviving that 180 Ton crash means even a direct hit from the Chainsaw Blaster isn't anything she can't handle. But at least the Bedazzled Chainsaw could kill Harley eventually if Juliet could hit her. But the fact that Harley is so much faster than Juliet and has an entire fighting style based off making sure she's not hit means that she won't be dying anytime soon. And neither was Juliet with her indestructibility and relatively high skill ceiling.
So both have advantages that only serve to cancel each other out, and neither can normally kill the other quickly. Sounds like a draw, right? Well, to be fair, most of the time, it would be. The two would realize that the fight is useless and would go out for ice cream or something. But this is Death Battle, and the entire point of the show is to answer the unanswerable. If they were to stick it out and fight until one of them died, who would win?
Well, at this point, the only real way for one to kill the other is to have a superior fighting style, a natural talent for improvisation, and the ability to find and, over time, exploit her opponent's weaknesses. It'd also help if they had a history of doing so against foes as powerful as their opponent or even more powerful. Is this sounding familiar yet?
Juliet is tough, yes, but Harley has managed to deal with tougher. Her victories against the likes of General Zod and Zorcrom prove that she can handle even nearly invincible foes with the right strategies and enough time to pull it off. And when it comes to foes without incredible weaknesses like electricity, sunlight, or radiation, she's still defeated the likes of Killer Croc and Poison Ivy, both of whom were certainly around or possibly even above Juliet's level of durability. Simply put, Harley has fought way more powerful foes than Juliet before and somehow almost always sticks the landing. All she needs is the time to understand what to exploit, how to do it, and an opportunity to do so. And with her speed, healing factor, sheer toughness, and far greater intelligence, she made it happen. It doesn't help that Juliet is relatively inexperienced in 1v1 matchups, has never fought someone quite that bright, and has been tricked before by people not nearly as clever as Harley Quinn.
Basically, when everything they could do completely evened out against each other, the only way for one of these fighters to win was to have the experience, creativity, and knowledge to pull a victory out of the air – and Harley was the only one to have all three in this aspect, and a history of doing so to boot.
Harley was the Quintessential Star of this show.
The winner is Harley Quinn.
…
Next time, on Death Battle…
A black and red hedgehog knocks out his blue rival with a surprise blow to the neck, sending him into the ground.
VS.
A black and red-haired girl wearing a kamui triumphantly holds her opponent's own sword to her throat.
(Shadow vs. Ryuko)