Hello :P It is Wednesday and I am back with a new chapter. This one I wrote a while ago and I reckon has been rattling around in my brain even longer! Another thing I do in my spare time is make video edits to go along with my characters and after I did one for Justin (Jessie and James' eldest son together) I decided that I wanted to write about the little story conveyed. This chapter takes a look back on how he felt when he broke up with his teenage girlfriend, El, when he confessed to her that he knew that he was gay. It also shows how much it contrasts to his "break up" with Katie six years later. I hope you enjoy :3
Ages:
(Past):
Justin: 18
James: 39
Jazmyn: 18
(Present):
Justin: 24
Katie: 18
Disclaimer: I own the story and the OCs mentioned!
As the studio lights lit up the mysterious and intimate set for one last time and I watched on from next to the director's chair, I gasped quietly to myself. I gasped quiet and remembered something. I focused harder on the lights before they dulled for good. I had been opened up to about the occasion for a couple of times over the years but in that moment, I remembered it for good. I remembered it for real. I remembered. I remembered a time when things were a lot different for Justin.
Dawn had finally broken. The deep purple haired male let out a quiet, haggard breath as he sat up underneath his bed covers, running a hand through his hair. He could get up. At last, he could get up. Not that he'd ever fallen asleep. No, the night and the situation hadn't allowed that. It had been a horrendous night for him. He tossed and he turned. He felt as though he'd slept at some point – everything felt far off and shivery. But he had not. He had been awake for the entire night. But despite the lack of sleep, he was oddly eager to get on with the day.
Justin threw the covers off him with yet another sigh. Cold hit him as soon as he did so and as he moved to sit on the end of the bed, his arms moved to rub his thin arms. It was only February. It was far too early in the year to wear not much to bed at all but that wasn't the truth. The truth was that he'd worn entirely the wrong thing to try and get to sleep. He hadn't put his pyjamas on at all. After topsy-turvy day and a regrettable one at that, he had gotten into bed fully clothed.
He only really noticed that when at barely seven o'clock in the morning and he was sat on the end of his bed, continuing to shiver and run his fingers up and down his own skin. Without thinking, he reached and took hold of what else he had been wearing the day before. A red and black plaid shirt. He tugged that over his body for a bit of extra warmth but needless to say, he continued shivering. His coldness was not due to the late winter though of course, that was contributing to it.
Justin Morgan was facing a whole new kind of iciness and a whole new kind of emptiness. But he didn't want to focus on that. With a brave swallow, he reached to flick his light on, though he didn't need to with the sun making its way into his window and through his left open curtains. He moved off the bed and planted his feet on the floor. It wasn't surprising at all when, after he pushed his long locks behind both of his head, his fingers itched out towards his guitar. However because it was not unsurprising and so very true to himself, it felt almost out of place in that moment in time.
Everything really had been upside down for him and not just for that previous day. That feeling and that notion and that idea had been with him for almost as long as he could remember. It seemed to cling on him. And when it was oblivious to him, it would almost creep back and tap him on the shoulders, nudging him. It taunted him.
As if he was remembering this fact, he shrugged his shoulders before lifting his guitar up properly and securing the strap over his shoulder instead. He walked over to his long mirror leaning up against one of the walls of his bedroom but didn't look at himself for too long at all. But I got the impression that he looked at himself briefly. His eyebrows twitched. Yes, he was certainly noticing his sunken eyes. Far more deep and filled with confusion than ever before.
His eyebrows twitched once more. He didn't want to see himself looking back at him. He looked down at his guitar – his beloved guitar and the only thing that he was ever really certain of – and after stroking the wood with his fingertips, he began playing it softly.
Though his strumming and his plucking and his enjoyment was soft, moment by moment and second by second, his expression changed as he watched what he was doing through the reflection of the mirror. He stopped looking as lost. He stopped looking as vulnerable. He stopped looking as broken. His eyes fluttered shut. And perhaps for one of the first times in months, his long eyelashes prepared to twitch with bliss. He stopped feeling so lost. He stopped feeling so vulnerable. He stopped feeling so vulnerable.
It was just him and his guitar. It was just him and the thing that he could truly trust. It was just him and the thing that brought his truest self out, regardless of the other kind of confusion that swirled around in his brain.
A tiny smile prepared to take over his mouth. However, before it could form properly and I could enjoy it as I thought to myself, that lingering got moment grew cut short. It was evident that someone had heard the quiet music from somewhere else in the house. And that person had (equally as strangely) been up at the same time as his son. The lavender haired male softly knocked at the door.
"You're up early, Justin." James uttered to his son from the other side of the door and continued knocking for light-hearted reasons. Though I couldn't see him, I could absolutely imagine his gentle smile for his eldest son. That smile was certain to greatly contradict the wistful one that Justin was about to have. As well as this, the major difference between the two was that the sound of his voice had no trace of worry in it. He finally stopped tapping. I knew he hadn't stopped smiling. "Sounds good."
Justin's eyes finally opened. His fingers slid off his fret board and his fingers of his other hand edged away from the strings. Silently, he breathed out. He couldn't enjoy those words. The words that normally made his heart soar – for he enjoyed the approval of his father perhaps most of all – didn't make him feel alive in the same way that day.
I wondered if James sensed that. Though he was seemingly not worrying and for once not overthinking why his son was up at such an unusual time for a Saturday morning, maybe he knew that things weren't completely alright. Of course, he had to know. He had witnessed first-hand the devastation of the evening before.
"I'm headed off to the park if you'd like to join me. It's a beautiful morning." The lavender haired male spoke and while he did so, his deep purple haired son moved to look at himself from a different angle in the mirror, propping his foot up on the edge of the bed. Softly, he started playing to himself once again. James added more words. I imagined that his smile was as tender as his son's music. "Not long until I have to substitute these morning walks for bottle making and nappy changing. I should make the most of it."
Justin's guitar playing game to a slow halt. It wasn't what his father was saying that caused this – not really. It was just time. Within Justin's fingertips and within his soul, he felt a gradual and then a sudden energy decrease. He frowned. He stopped looking at his reflection – to look at his guitar or otherwise. He shook his head. He answered his father wordlessly at first. But as the silence lingered and passed and I got the impression that even James was on the brink of overthinking it all, the deep purple haired male had an answer. Well, sort of.
"You'll be working, won't you?" Justin asked of his father and these words would potentially seem rather strange to anybody else. But not me. Over the years and truly since the younger of the two was a very little boy, I had seen the similarities between them both. They were both what I described as daydreamers. Forever pondering. Forever thinking. Forever moving away and paving their own path.
Though the lavender haired male was on the cusp of taking up paternity leave to spend some precious time with him and Lynne's new baby girl when she arrived – the reason that his morning walks would soon be replaced with bottle feeding and daddy cuddles – he liked to observe the outside world. And when he did this, he ended up thinking of new ideas for tattoo art or clothes for him and Jessie's company. That's what Justin meant. That's what James knew it to mean.
"Perhaps, yes." The older of the two responded and from those two, simple words, I started to get the impression that at last, James was no longer smiling. He would have been an idiot to think that everything was completely hunky dory after everything that had happened the day before. But he knew his eldest son to be resilient among other things. There was the slightest possibility that he could be completely unaffected. Evidently (and understandably) he was not.
The deep purple haired male went back to plucking the strings on his dearest guitar and after he did this for a couple of seconds, he had an answer for his father. It was not the one that the older male was hoping for.
"I will leave you to your work then. See you later." Justin replied and after he said these words, he stopped playing his guitar completely. In addition to this, he touched the top of his fedora hat that he had placed on his head earlier in talking to his parent before putting his instrument back down on the bed.
James couldn't really do much else except accept this answer. Though I imagined that he was probably a little disheartened and worried too, he knew not to push. He never liked to push and rarely did that, especially with his children. So with what I imagined to be a sad but accepting smile and a nod of the head, the lavender haired male turned on his heel and proceeded in cracking on with his own day.
The sun was shining all the more and beating in through the open curtains as it was then past 7 o'clock in the morning. The conversation with his son had been a brief one but it had almost motivated the older male nevertheless. It even put a bit of pep in his step. He intended to come back on his walk and return with fresh air in his longs and even more supportiveness. So if his eldest son needed a shoulder to lean on more so than ever, then he would be there. That was James' idea. That was James' motive. He was silently determined. The same however, could not be said for his son.
Justin sunk back down on the bed without even a sound. Before, I described him as a thoughtful and an imaginative fellow and that wasn't restricted to just that day. But that day, things were different. As they had been the day before, things were very very different.
For quite a rare occasion, Justin couldn't bear to think. And on top of that, he couldn't bear to feel. At all. He reached past his guitar for the television remote and turned that on. His head turned and his eyes fixed on the small little freestanding box on his carpet. Sitting on the edge of the bed and with his head in his hands, he watched. But of course, he didn't really focus. It was just there for a bit of background noise. It was just there to make him feel a bit less alone.
In the middle of thinking, I thought to myself how it always seemed to be that when human's felt lonely and had the opportunity for company; it was rare for them to take it. Justin was the prime example. He felt alone. In his mind and heart and in his body too, he felt alone. He had turned the television on to feel less of that despite having the opportunity to be with a real person – his father.
Justin sighed at the same time that I did. But that was for him to learn. That was yet another thing that I had observed about humans in my lifetime. And it was one of the rare things that I could not relate to!
The deep purple haired male flicked aimlessly through the channels. He was less animated than I had seen and imagined in my entire life. The sports channel and football match didn't interest him. An old black and white movie with a very unrealistic but funny fight didn't amuse him. A programme about the deep blue oceans and all of its residence didn't intrigue him. Nothing mattered to him. Truthfully, nothing mattered to him except closure. Though he feared in his heart that he wasn't ever going to get that.
As well as all the emotions that appeared to be to be visible on the young man's face, the shadows and reflections around the room decorated it also. As the morning slowly came to be and the sun shone more prominently on the deep purple haired male's pale skin, it danced all over him. But Justin had been further from dancing than I ever had seen him in my whole life.
Out of nowhere but not out of character, he suddenly sighed and turned the television off with the click of a button. The screen shut off dramatically. The deep purple haired male slapped his thighs even more so. He was done with sitting around. He was done with being alone. He was going to try and get on with the day. Though he had no idea how it was going to progress.
He kept his hat on his head and reached for one of his jackets on the floor while intending to remain in the clothes from the day before. That was the first time that morning that he hesitated. His fingers stopped. His fingers twitched. His fingers grazed. In fact, his touch hovered over a couple of jackets.
There was quite the flamboyant gold one on the floor; I had never seen that one before. Then bundled up next to it was a silver one and a bit less outrageous but still a far cry from his usual gear. His fingers twitched over them both and then passed over them both. I could have sworn that he shook his head and muttered something. Either way, his hand soon grabbed for his trusty black leather one. He threw that over his shoulders and then he was out of there. He was out of that room. Needless to say, he took his guitar with him and I believed that that was for a hand (or fret board) to hold.
Justin may have been in his own world and suffering from a severe lack of sleep but he showed that he was as conscientious as ever. He peered at all of the closed bedroom doors belonging to his family members as he padded along the hall and made sure that his footsteps grew even quieter. And he made sure that he didn't accidentally twang at any of his guitar strings and make a noise as he passed by. I breathed out as I thought to myself. Some people grew incredibly irritated and mean when they were uncertain of themselves. But not Justin. And I admired that in him.
I admired the eldest Morgan son a lot on the quiet. But despite the fact that I thought that he was a good one, I was proved that I didn't always know everything about him, nor know everything that he was going to do. It was my instinct that he was going to head to breakfast and get himself some cereal. I was right about that. But I thought that he was going to head to the kitchen. I was wrong about that.
The long haired male passed by the usual room that was filled with laughter and sometimes chaos early in the morning as breakfast happened and he made a beeline for the much lesser known room. It was a kitchen but it was mainly used for storage at that point. It had much more of a farmhouse décor compared to the rest of the mansion. Most of all, it was unused. Most of the action that it had ever received in the entire time that it was used by the Morgan family was the evening before. And that's why it really was so surprising that Justin was heading there. Justin was heading towards the destruction of the room that he had caused.
His face was unreadable as he headed there. The door was still open. I could only ponder whether that was a good thing or a bad thing – I didn't get an answer. Justin's pace slowed down. He held his breath. His spare hand slipped out of his pocket and moved to his head, taking off his hat and leaving it elsewhere before he even stepped into that destroyed kitchen and dining room. I wondered why that was. I could come to no particular answer. I came to many conclusions.
Justin's hand slipped back into his pocket as it was no longer occupied with disposing of his fedora and his hand tightened around the neck of his guitar. He swallowed. I understood that silently he felt more nerves than he ever did before performing at an open mic night or showing one of his friends one of his new guitar riffs.
When he was performing, it was usually because he had something celebratory to sing and share or something to offer. But when he was standing in front of the destroyed room, he had nothing but regret in his throat. He had done something foolish. He wanted to face up to it. But he couldn't. So he mostly ignored everything that he had done as he properly made his way into that room.
Somehow he managed to avoid the shards of glass and puddles of milk and wine as he padded into the kitchen and dining room and took a seat at one of the chairs. He carefully placed his guitar on its back on a clean part of the messy table but that was the gentlest action that he partook in. he pulled the chair out with a yank and a squeak and sat down at the table with a grunt. He finally made a noise.
That particular room in the Morgan Mansion was located near the side and it was where the sun set. It was not where the sun rose. So naturally, that room was filled with coldness and bleakness when Justin thought too hard about not only what he had done and said but what about what he hadn't done and hadn't said.
He swallowed all over again, feeling very small on that chair and in that room for a grown person at the age of eighteen. He tucked his hair softly behind his ears before resting his elbows on the table and cupping his chin with both hands. I thought that he was going to do that and I believe that he intended to do that but at first, his hand reached out one more time and flicked on the radio that was somehow still standing after he had wrecked almost everything in that room with a cricket bat the night before, following his break up.
The radio sprung into life the same way that the television picture and sound had cut out when Justin turned it off. That was the only life in that room. And despite the fact that even I knew that if anything was going to make Justin have a pinch of positivity that he usually always had and that was music, things didn't go to plan.
The deep purple haired male turned on the radio at the exact time that a song was just beginning to play. It was not a new one. It was not a blue one. But evidently, it brought a lot of conflicting emotions to Justin and none of them happy. At last, he crumpled his face up and buried his head in his hands. But he didn't feel a thing.
All of the emotions that came to Justin were mainly the fear of feeling those emotions and the memories of when he had had them before. They didn't catch hold of him properly. He didn't feel a thing. All that he could really recognise that he was feeling was emptiness and a nauseous kind of anticipation. His heart hurt but he could barely feel his heart at the same time. Is this what it felt like to break up with someone? It was his first time so he didn't know. But if it was then the only thing that he could describe it as was pure hell.
"Why are you up so early, Justin?" a voice suddenly could be heard and though they didn't gasp, they might as well have judging by the way that they recoiled. They clearly remembered the state of the room from the night before, despite not being able to see it in the dark of that side of the house in the morning.
The deep purple haired male gasped. His first instinct was to reach out his hand and flick the radio off once again but in his troubled state and in the hazy almost greyness of the room, he accidentally pushed it on the floor instead! It hit the ground with a crunch. Justin didn't even have the energy to sigh. He just made a mental note that that was yet another thing that he had broken.
Somehow he managed to tug himself away from these disappointed in himself emotions and he reached out for a second time. And that time, his hand connected with one of the light switches in the room for the lights under the kitchen cabinets. They came on. They didn't brighten up the room but it was enough. I hoped that the company of another person would do that instead.
"You didn't have to turn that off, you know? I'm not opposed to music early in the morning." Jazmyn told her twin brother and she couldn't help but tell him with a bit of a smile. Of course, he didn't smile back. And the deep purple haired female showed that although she wasn't opposed to the radio upon waking up, she was opposed to getting her feet covered in glass and milk. She stayed hovering on the other side of the door in her dressing gown and slippers. Her twin brother caught on.
"Stay away, Jazzy, you don't want to come in here." Justin warned but the word "warned" was putting it lightly. It seemed as though he had barely enough energy to say these words though, of course, he never wanted to see his family members hurt. He was just severely embarrassed and regretful too. And as well as this, he was recovering from all of the memories threatening from the song that had just played.
The female of the twins thought about it, absentmindedly reaching down to tie the belt of her dressing gown even further. Then, she ran a hand through her hair. Finally, she shrugged. It was true that secretly she was going to find it hard to see the mess seeing as it was so out of character for that particular brother and she didn't want to end up with soiled or hurt feet. But there was something in her that always made her look out for Justin.
So after a couple more seconds pause, she couldn't stop herself from padding forward. And instinctively she ignored the rest of the mess and moved forward to pick the radio up for him. He hadn't broken it properly, I don't think. She put it back on the table next to him and together, they both ignored the mess there. Jazzy pushed her hair from her eyes and then she continued.
"You're up early." She commented and contrasting how he had barely had the energy to speak before, Justin then uttered without a moment of hesitation. His head remained resting in his hands. His long locks flowed. He sighed. But he told the truth.
"I haven't slept." The eldest Morgan son answered his twin sister and upon hearing this, she just nodded her head. She managed to hold back a frown. She managed to hold back a concerned head tilt. She managed to hold off everything except coming to sit down next to Justin.
She pulled a second chair out from under the dining table with much less of a squeak than Justin; though it made a sloshing sound as it moved through a pile of milk. In my thoughts, I applauded her for being able to do this. And I applauded her even more as she sat down and I wondered if she was sitting in any liquid mess either. Either way, I wasn't able to imagine or tell.
While Justin's eyes fluttered shut as he did his level best to push away the memories associated with the song on the radio as well as every other kind of what if and regret that was taking space up in his head, Jazmyn's eyes wandered around the room. It was then that she swallowed but she managed to do it quietly. It really was out of character for him to make a mess of things and become frustrated. But she couldn't overthink that at that point. Instead, she looked over at her twin brother.
She couldn't hide the flickering in her eyes then so it was lucky that he wasn't looking at her. She hated every single movement that was rattling around in his skull. She hated that things had turned out that way for him. Truthfully, she had seen the end of his relationship brewing but it was still a surprised when it happened. And it was a surprise how it caused her twin brother to erupt so.
She looked at him. On the tip of her tongue and starting to whirr in her own brain were all kinds of things. Really, she wanted to ask so many things. She wanted to say so many things. She wanted to comment a lot of things. But it wasn't the time or place. There was only time for one thing. Slowly but surely, she briefly reached out and squeezed his wrist. He didn't open his eyes but he knew the words were coming.
"Are you okay, Justin?" she asked him and straight away, this sprung Justin into action. Though of course you couldn't really describe it as springing into action. As Jazmyn's hand moved away, Justin's eyes opened and he swallowed all over again. Over the months he had become well adapted at keeping his feelings and thoughts on the down low. But at that moment, they were all over his face. And before he knew it, they were on the tip of his tongue. And before he could stop them, they were out.
"No. No, I'm not okay." he started and as he managed to look at his twin sister and she looked back at him, though he had had many thoughts and words on the tip of his tongue before, when he saw the gaze that he had known the longest, his mouth shut with a click. All he could say was one thing instead. He ran both hands through his long locks and massaged his scalp. "I'm so sorry."
Jazmyn knew Justin better than anyone, she really did. Both of the twins were adaptable and passionate and enigmatic and driven. However, nothing had prepared the deep purple haired female for these words. She couldn't help but blink. She couldn't help but tilt her head even more. And as the sun wished that it could make its way into that window and brighten things for the both of them, Jazzy found herself laughing unsurely.
"Why are you saying sorry to me? What have you done to me?" she asked him and as soon as these words were out in the open, Justin sighed and slumped back, his back pressing further against his chair. He shook his head but he answered promptly.
"I don't know." He uttered and we both knew that this was to give himself time. So Jazmyn waited. And understanding that her laughter was a little out of place, she reined it in and made it die down. Instead, she smiled sympathetically and openly at her twin brother, ready for anything. That was lucky because Justin said rather heartfelt words even though he continued to shake his head. "It just feels as though I have to say sorry to everybody. I'm getting used to apologising. I'm getting used to fucking up."
"But you haven't-" Jazmyn couldn't help but begin but after Justin said these words laced with vulnerability, he shot her a small look and they both knew what this meant. The female of the two wasn't ever going to quote what he said word for word. She then smiled slightly. He knew her as much as she knew that she knew him. Though he didn't know how much she really knew him. The young woman pushed her hair from her eyes and then tried again. "You're allowed to make a mistake. One mistake. Two mistakes. It doesn't matter, okay? You're hurting."
Justin's mouth slammed shut though it was a lot different from when it happened the time before. It was almost in slow motion. And in the same way that the early morning light danced over his face, encouraging him to face up to everything, the darkness of that room did the same thing to him in that instance. All he could do was stay quiet and look rather forlorn.
Jazmyn breathed out as well. Some seconds passed and some of them were taken up by glancing at the slightly damaged radio. But then the female of the two had the nerve to speak. She asked as softly as she could manage and that wasn't hard for her.
"Have you heard from her?" she mumbled and slowly, Justin's lips pressed together, revealing his dimples. Though in that moment, one couldn't properly enjoy them. Needless to say following his break up, what came next was a very hesitant shake of the head that didn't reveal very much else. So Jazmyn had to prompt. "What… What did you say? What did you say that led to all this?"
In that moment as I thought to myself, all kind of possibilities flicked through my mind and most of them would have been understandable. I imagined something clicking within Justin and him frowning, feeling deeply hurt and defensive at the hint that of course it had to be him that caused it all. I also imagined him shutting down completely and being unable to answer through no fault of his own.
But neither of these things happened. In the middle of despair and confusion, Justin was full of surprises. Though his head remained buried in his hands, he answered his twin quickly and truthfully. I understood that it was because they had known each other the longest.
"I… I said the truth, Jaz…" Justin answered and like you would expect from that time in his life, his words were vague. But that didn't seem to bother Jazmyn from my thinking. In fact, that appeared to make perfect sense to her. Slowly, she nodded her head. However, the words didn't make perfect sense to Justin so he added more to them. His face crumpled as he contradicted himself. "I… I said what I thought was the truth. Now I'm not so sure. I think that we're not right for each other. I'm not… I'm not sure if I can love her… But I do love her. I really do. It's just not… It's just not…"
The deep purple haired male couldn't even say the words so softly and rather hauntingly too; he snapped his thumb and forefinger. That left more of a visceral image than any of the words he could possibly have said. Jazmyn breathed out as she understood. As her twin brother grew quiet – perhaps at the shock of opening up so early in the morning – or perhaps it was the tiredness and the just beyond being dawn that led him to be able to do all that – Jazmyn tried not to overthink.
She heard words. She heard some words. She heard lots of words. She heard the ones that were not said either. Everything started to make more and more sense to her. Like she had pondered the end of her brother's relationship with El before it came to their explosive finale, she was starting to think other things as well.
She felt Justin's gaze on her. It had been a long time since she had properly felt that. Though his gaze was tired and it was worn down and it was uncertain, she could almost feel it reaching out to her. She looked back at him. Her mouth opened. She could almost feel and I could almost imagine… Him wanting her to say it? She wondered if she should just say it.
However before she could wonder anymore, Justin's eyes dropped down. No, he was being brave to be so open and honest about the break up. But he wasn't ready to be so raw and real about anything else. Jazmyn caught on. It was okay because she had another question to ask too. Justin answered it without it having to be brought up as he looked down and ran a hand through his long locks.
"I don't know what I'm feeling. I haven't known for a really long time. Not really." The deep purple haired admitted and this could have bought more concern into his twin sister's heart but thankfully, for a couple of seconds she was too busy piecing her own truth together. She just nodded. That gave Justin time to be a bit more real. And despite the distance between them and sometimes the uncertainty too, they were still on the same page. They were still twins. Justin chuckled slightly, not sure of himself. "I feel so alone."
I was extremely certain that it would be these words to fill Jazmyn's face with a sad sympathy for the male that she had known the longest. Though I knew that I was right and those emotions were there somewhere, like how it was with twins, when one person needed answers, the other person had them.
The deep purple haired female couldn't help but reach out and squeeze Justin's wrist once more and then that hand moved. That hand moved to point to his guitar. She didn't dare touch. She just gestured to it. And then she squeezed his wrist with both hands. She looked right at him. She didn't care what she saw. She didn't care what he was or what he wasn't. That was her brother. And she just wanted him to be okay.
"Well… Well play that guitar and figure it out, Justin. Maybe you don't know what to feel and how to feel and maybe you feel alone. But the answer to both of those is not only within you but it's within that instrument too." Jazmyn started and her gaze soon wandered to the guitar also when Justin's head tilted towards it. She continued as he wordlessly listened. She then smiled quietly at his face while his orbs were occupied. "Play it loud. Play it hard. Play it soft. Play it sad. It doesn't matter. You'll figure it out. And like playing that thing – only you know where to go from here."
And with that, Jazzy moved both of her supportive hands away from her brother and she stood up. It was easy to ignore the squeezing and sloshing noises because of the mess! And for once, it was easy for Justin to look away from his guitar.
As his twin sister stood up, he watched her, his mouth open slightly. She didn't look back at him and maybe this was the best thing that she could have possibly done. After listening to him and getting him to open up and giving him some ideas, she left the room. She supported him when she was right there and she supported him when she was elsewhere.
Justin listened to her words. And after glancing over at the guitar, he knew them to be true. He breathed out. The truth was he felt a strange case of nerves when he reached out and touched the fret board, his fingers tracing down the strings. He didn't know the answers. He didn't know where he was going to go. But he knew he just needed to take the first step. Perhaps he had let down one of the most important females in his life but he wasn't going to let down one of the others.
He silently swallowed as he grabbed his guitar by the neck and encouraged it down to his thigh. He didn't bother securing it over his shoulder with the guitar strap that time and from thinking, I understood. His girlfriend had given him that bit of material. He already had her whirring around his brain – he didn't need her memory caressing his shoulder.
Justin shut his eyes, his fingers going back to the fret board as well as the strings decorating the sound hole. He still didn't know what he was going to do. He still didn't know what he was going to feel. He still didn't know where he was going to go. But he knew that he just had to.
With a brave scrunch of his nose, he started playing to himself and as the rest of the house gradually got lit up in the orange glow of the morning, everything came to him. A tune came to him. A melody came to him. Lyrics did not. But emotions did. Jazmyn was right. Music was his friend when he felt he had none. Music was his companion when he pushed all of the others away. Music was his lungs when he felt as though he couldn't breathe. Music was his heart when he felt his was broken.
And just like that, slowly but surely yet all at once as well, Justin's breath hitched in his throat. As his eyes remained shut and he continued playing, everything came to him. Answers? No. But emotions. They had been unlocked. He was finally feeling. And because he was feeling so hard, he had to stop playing.
Painfully, he leaned down to rest his chin on the table, tears forming in the corners of his eyes before leaking down and out. His hands stopped plucking at strings of his guitar and instead, his arms wrapped around the wooden of the oak. Yes, music was a friend. He had lost one of his very best ones but he still had another.
As the morning continued to come, Justin Morgan felt alone. But somehow he felt as though he just had to feel this. Whether a song or a circumstance or a happy memory would come out of it – at that point, he didn't know – but he just had to hope. He just had to have hope that things would get better. And he wouldn't make the same mistakes twice. He would. And he wouldn't. At least he would always go into things wholeheartedly!
And as I thought about that image of him and saw him alone during that point in his life, that memory and that vision faded away. As the studio lights remained dimmed and as the blue ocean glow started to come in through the window, I focused on the present instead. Things were so very different. Yet somehow the same as well. But most importantly – much better.
I caught sight of the mid-length haired and older Justin Morgan as he came onto the set, reaching for his guitar. But that wasn't his main priority. Something else was. He reached for his guitar and picked it up by the neck, securing the strap over his shoulder. It was still the same one but he was fine with it caressing over his back. He had moved forward. And he had learned to embrace every moment of the ghostly memory with respect and fondness.
As Justin held onto his guitar, he made a beeline for one point in particular. The glow of the ocean reflected on his face as he took a seat next to someone very special to him. He was in front of multiple cameras and multiple people but he saw only one.
He looked at them as he took a seat, his whole body turning to them. He smiled, for once his fingers not caring to occupy themselves with strumming at strings. He briefly reached to squeeze the female's hand instead. They both relaxed all the more at each other's touch. The female couldn't stop herself from squinting playfully, not letting her best friend let go of her.
"Looking sharp, JJM." She told him and naturally, his smile beamed all the more upon hearing this. He settled in his chair and finally was allowed to let go of Katie's hand, gesturing down to his burgundy coloured jacket. She glanced down as he did this and then she looked to his face. While it was then that he couldn't help but occupy his hands with playing a tune, she shook her head fondly, pushing her hair from her eyes. "Nervous?" she asked.
"Excited." He told her with a nod of his head and a smile on his face, briefly glancing over to where the camera men were preparing to spring into action and shoot. Then of course, his eyes looked at her face all over again. He was plucking some strings. He was playing a tune. He was practicing. But all words were for her. And he meant them. "I'm so happy it's you."
And upon hearing this, all Katie could do before everyone came to watch as they prepared to film the pair was reach out and lightly touch the side of Justin's face once before tapping under his chin. But that was all she wanted to do as well. That said everything she needed to say.
And in that moment, I had never been happier to just sit and watch and not think too much at all. I remained lingering by the director's chair as together, Justin and Katie filmed the music video for the deep purple haired male's latest song.
It was magical. It was simply magical how completely those experiences with Justin contrasted. He had faced break ups ahead of both of them. And he had dealt with break ups with girls. But the first one left him in a room and alone and confused while the second one left him with a friend.
Justin had learnt that he was capable of loving women. And it was after that he embraced that and stood firm with the love that he felt in his heart, he reached his truest potential. He had a heart full of unconditional love. He had a teenage relationship that taught him so much. He had a friendship with Katie that opened him up more than he ever felt possible. And he had a future with his boyfriend.
And while filming that very special music video on Katie's boat with her, he knew one thing was absolutely certain. He was the luckiest person alive. He had loved all. He had loved both. And he finally knew who he was. Thanks to each and every one of his loves.
The End.
There you go! Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed :3 This chapter is a lot more describing than interactions at first but then there's a lot of conversation towards the end. The break up between El and Justin is pretty developed in my mind but I haven't uploaded all of the chapters that I've written about it. It's definitely an intense one. I'm sure that El doesn't mean to leave Justin in the dark but it's very devastating when her first love confesses something to her that makes their future very doubtful indeed. It's definitely not to say that Katie is a better person because she kept Justin in her life even after their brief romance. It's just timing and circumstances and different people. Justin feels very lucky to be gay but have had two relationships with two females that taught him so much. I think he blocked a lot of his emotions out after his break up with El and especially after getting a boyfriend. He moved forward. But he forgot to accept and respect the past also. Then with Katie, he learns to embrace all of these things :3 Thanks again for reading and I will be back with another chapter so see you then!
AmyBieberKetchum signing out :P