Hello :P It is Wednesday and I am back with a new chapter! Continuing the last couple of stories of Justin and Eli, here we have a moment where they do have a chance to sit down and talk about some things. But of course, if your heart is broken and you're trying to protect yourself, you're not going to hear things very clearly. I hope you enjoy. It certainly gets some big points across!
Disclaimer: I own the story and the OCs mentioned :) (This one goes quite heavily into Eli's unwillingness to openly show his relationship with Justin and sexuality to others. So if you find that upsetting, perhaps skip this one!)
I was rather unaware of the outside world. I was unaware of a lot of things. To tell you the truth, I was unaware about most things. I was inside one of the rooms of Jordan and Lynne's annexe and with an orange haired little girl and a lavender haired little boy and was completely in my own world with them. We were playing. We were laughing. We were mucking about. We were sharing such joy!
However, that joy was not shared by someone in the main living area of the house. And it was certainly not shared by the person lingering outside the door, wondering if he would ever pluck the courage to head on in.
I was not aware of it but the deep purple haired eldest Morgan son had been silently pacing up and down outside the door for quite some time, his fingers tangling in his locks and his haggard exhales hardly sounding like his own. He was swallowing a lot too and like his pacing, it was close to being silent.
The person in the main living area of the annexe was of course unaware of this too and he sat at a table by the window, typing on his laptop computer. The deep violet haired male was not wearing his black and comfy hoodie that he often came adorned in but he might as well have been. Having the same effect of that reassuring black shell, as he typed with one hand on the laptop, the other was half shielding his face. It was almost as if did know someone was just outside the door, pacing up and down. Someone very important to him. But they couldn't have been the case. I wasn't aware. So Eli couldn't have been either.
The only person with a sense of awareness was Justin and he was being incredibly self-aware. He recognised how long he had been pacing and how long he had been putting off actually entering! And as well as this, he was painfully aware of the unusually cowardly feeling in his heart. It was a far cry to his loud and raucousness when he presented himself on stage. But then again, most of his personal life was like that during those particular moments.
He was used to a complete paradox of chaos and calm and he embraced it wholeheartedly. But at that time and at that moment and that second too – it was tearing him up. He couldn't seem to find contentment or a home in either of those two states. Because he had indulged too much in the both of them during the summer that had passed.
He had experienced incredible highs. He had dealt with stomach-dropping lows. He was then in the aftermath of all of it. He was preparing to face it all head on. So he thought, he was at last ready to face it all head on.
Justin let out a sigh and shook his head at himself, inwardly giving himself a talking to. He knew that he had to grab the bull by the horns. He knew he had to bite the bullet. Secretly, he was terrified of the fact that bullet shot through his heart was potentially going to worsen when he came face to face with the person inside the room.
He would just have to wait and see. He would just have to be brave. He would just have to act like he was okay with whatever outcome – though that was a massive lie.
The deep purple haired eldest Morgan son could handle it no longer. Whether he was sick of his own pacing or his own thoughts or his own behaviour, no one could tell. Whatever it was, he couldn't handle it any longer and an apprehensive wave of adrenaline rushed through him. If he could take to a stage and merge his heart with a crowd of strangers then a simple conversation should have been nothing for him.
It was nothing in comparison. But it was everything to him. For he had felt so much. He had given so much. One thing he was trying to learn was to not regret anything but that was extremely hard. He was fed up of feeling powerless. So he decided to do what people often told him he did best. He made moments into everything they were meant to be. And with a courageous inhale, he decided to take the plunge at last and face his former boyfriend known as Eli.
The eldest Morgan son pressed his palm flat against the wood of the door for just a split second before he pushed it open, half barging in. He didn't mean to do it so aggressively. And it wasn't exactly aggressive, not really. It was just a little clumsy. It was a little careless. It was too much. Exactly like he had felt too much.
However, the person inside the room didn't notice and naturally, me in the other room with Jorgie and Johnny didn't either. The deep violet haired male continued typing and he continued shielding his face too. He was letting out his own breaths.
Looking back as I recount this story and remember all the details that the people involved conveyed to me, I can't help but wonder if the two of them shared the same breaths at the exact same time?
But surely not. Nothing was ever really well-timed when it came to the two of them. Like their current personalities and their priorities and their future envisions, their breathing was out of sync.
The deep purple haired male almost had to fight to continue taking those breaths as he strode using secretly shaky yet long and agile legs across the room. His ring-less finger found itself running through his locks all over. He was coming closer and closer to Eli yet he was still not responding to him. With every second that passed, he was getting so near to him that surely he heard the own exhales that he was having. Or perhaps he was just hearing his own heartbeat hammering in his chest.
Thoughts inside Justin's mind spiralled of how he was going to get his attention – let alone have a proper conversation with this man. Yet he stifled all of that. He managed to stifle all of that and he rid himself of those musings by putting his hands firmly on the back of the chair that was opposite to Eli's.
Still nothing. Still nothing at all. It was true that the Unovan male had an incredible focus when he applied himself and he had eyes that could lock onto things for hours. And he was often known for getting lost in his own world.
But it was impossible that he hadn't heard Justin at all. It was completely impossible. He had to realise that he was not alone. But maybe he didn't. Maybe it had jarred him so much when Justin had left him alone at the end of their summer that he could no longer even tell the difference.
To make a bit of a point, the deep purple haired male pulled the chair backwards with a squeak. It made a noise. It indeed made a low rumble. Justin watched as Eli's hand stopped cupping the side of his face and he occupied it instead with typing right alongside his left one.
In response, the eldest Morgan son started to frown. He started to frown at the fact that he was evidently being ignored and like he had been fighting for breath, he found himself fighting the urge to not get frustrated as a way of experiencing his own hurt.
Thankfully, he managed to channel it otherwise. From the other room, I was still none the wiser. The deep purple haired male pulled the chair closer to his body with while his thumbs were still locked around the back of the chair; he actually managed to wriggle his fingers as a bit of a greeting.
Words escaped from his extremely dry mouth. It was just a single word. But Justin had secretly been anticipating that he wouldn't even be able to say a single thing to the deep violet haired male.
"Hey." He uttered and he allowed his fingers to wriggle and wave for just a few seconds and then that died down. They curled around the back of the chair along with his thumb and quickly grew sweaty. It must have felt like the longest silence in the world when Eli retorted with just that – even though I'm told it was actually just a mere few seconds.
The deep violet haired male's fingers twitched like they were acknowledging that he had been greeted yet his face didn't move an inch. His cheekbones that were naturally sucked in thanks to austere jaw structure didn't even twitch and his eyes didn't change at all. He continued typing. He continued focusing. He continued breathing.
Breath was threatening to hitch in Justin's throat all over. A very tight feeling was beginning to make its way up from his stomach and it was about to clamp around his chest when a sound fluttered into his ears. It wasn't a beautiful sound but he would have described it as that a couple of months ago. It was a sound, a single one, but it was a sound nonetheless. It was Eli's voice. He at last spoke back to him.
"Hey." He uttered back and there was a difference in pitch in his response compared to the deep purple haired male's one before him. And strangely, despite the fact that it was Eli who had the deeper voice of the two, it was his retort that was higher. It was high and spoke of trying to appear okay. Justin's was low and gave insight to the walls that were around him.
And speaking of those walls, those ones that were around his heart made him react in ways that were true to him during those moments of his life but were not in sync with what kind of man he wanted to be.
For when Eli continued to not look at him, it began to switch his tight and anxious feeling in his chest to one of defensiveness and disappointment too. And needless to say, it was preparing to be expressed in a way that could have been labelled as frustrated.
His hands still on the back of his chair and clenching around the wood slightly, Justin prepared to exhale out of his nostrils in derision.
But the deep purple haired male was put in his place before any of that could happen. Perhaps sensing the grip around the chair or just acting on his own accord, Eli's eyes finally drew themselves away from whatever was on his screen and he looked over at Justin.
The eldest Morgan son was definitely put in his place. His grip was forced to tighten on the chair all the more so but that was because his legs had churned to jelly. The gaze from the Unovan man – the double hued gaze with a mixture of intensity yet gentleness – had always been enough to make the younger man feel powerful and unstoppable as well as weak in the knees.
However, at that moment all he felt was weak. Although a part of him longed to look back a little harder and a little longer and wait for the ease in his heart to return as it often did when he extended his own stare, he promptly looked away.
All he felt was on edge. He knew that he was going to have to look into those eyes and discover answers. And potentially be heartbroken by those orbs all over again.
Shakily but managing to put on a good front, Justin finally let go of the chair and moved round to sit on it, inviting himself to sit down. In hindsight I wondered if Eli felt the need to comment but didn't. Either way, his eyes travelled back to his computer screen and he resumed typing, albeit a little slower that time.
The deep purple haired male listened to the pattering and the pausing of the deep violet haired male's typing and he directed his thoughts from reminiscing on the sound that reminded him of falling asleep in the middle of summer to that sound. When he wasn't listening to the delicately thudding heart and sleepy sighs of Eli right up close to him instead.
To keep his mind away from those kind of things and keep his intentions on paving his way for the future rather than ruminating on the past, Justin's hands made their way into his lap and he picked at a hangnail. Eli's typing speeded up. The deep purple haired male glanced up again just once but his gaze soon enough dropped back to his lap. And he tugged harder at his flap of skin.
He couldn't keep his mind away from the thoughts that he was having there and then. He managed to keep it concealed but his breaths quickened and lengthened as he wondered how he was going to broach the subject with Eli. And as well as that, he wondered if he should be bothered with some sort of small talk or the deep violet haired male just wanted to get on with it. Though of course he didn't know what he was to get on with.
Nevertheless, proving that there once was a twinkle of hope for the two of them and they still had some synchronicities in their minds and timing, the deep violet haired male spoke so the younger one didn't have to.
Raising his hand to scratch his own cheek, Eli focused on that but then words came tumbling out of him.
"Sammy okay?" he questioned, his voice returning to its usual deep and drawn out yet precise level and from thinking about everything that was conveyed to me at different points, I imagined that the deep purple haired male was certain to flinch when he heard this.
And he was certain to put a very large wall up. It might have not been the most practical but it would have been a little understandable. His former boyfriend saying his long-term boyfriend's name was a tumultuous thing.
However, Justin had evidently been prepared to expect the unexpected and he was trying to hone in on some of that spontaneity that caused him to change up a song on stage and add a few new guitar riffs.
Like some kind of marble stone, Justin's expression didn't alter. Stoniness was about to be a common thing. His voice came out level and unfaltering like it as he surprisingly promptly answered, his finger running up and down where his signature ring had stopped loitering there quite a long time ago.
"Sammy okay." Justin mumbled a little bit under his breath and then because Eli took a moment to move just his eyes and not his head towards the younger male, the eldest Morgan son knew he had to straighten up and talk a little louder. He elevated his spine and his vocal chords also. Yet he still shrugged and he continued playing with his bare pointer finger. "You know how it is. A period for adjusting. Adjusting to… Well, everything."
The deep purple haired male seemed to know what he was talking about when he said these words. And in return, the Unovan male seemed to as well. Though naturally, they probably meant different things – very different things – to one and another.
Eli continued nodding for quite some time and he continued typing as well, allowing those pattering noises to be the only sound between those two males who once meant a lot to each other. They still did mean a lot to one and other, of course. But hearts had been broken. Words had been said. And even more words had not been said.
Justin there and then showed that he evidently had been preparing some of the words that he wanted to say from the way that he didn't hesitate to continue talking after some longer things had been exchanged between the two of them.
He shuffled forward on that chair all over again and Eli's eyebrow quirked like a subtle fish hook was yanking on it but he didn't make a sound. Meanwhile, the deep purple haired male's hand ran through those locks of his. And he blurted out. But you couldn't exactly call it blurting out for how under his breath he was speaking.
"Speaking of… him… Speaking of Sammy… I'm sure you're not entirely clueless regarding everything that's gone on recently. With him. With me. With he and I…" Justin started and while he managed to make his way through those barely sentences, he was inwardly bracing himself for the moment he had to lock eyes with Eli once again. And that moment came as he uttered a couple of those words. The deep purple haired male was admirably composed as he had to continue while flickering his gaze towards the older male's unblinking one. "We're being sensible. I've been told that I sometimes bite off more than I can chew… I reckon it chokes me and other people… I think I was definitely like that with you-"
"What are you getting at, Justin?" the voice that Justin had been dreading as it was so soft yet direct and spine tingling that of course belonged to Eli interjected him and he was taken aback by how it ran off him like water off a ducks back. He had anticipating those sort of tones to floor him. But there and then, they almost reassured him. They kind of felt like home. Albeit a home that he had been running from.
So therefore in response, Justin was encouraged to get to the point that he had been dreading broaching with Eli for days.
"We need to talk…" the deep purple haired was able to utter the words he had gone back and forth over how he was actually going to word them and it was Eli's turn to threaten to actually flinch. However, he didn't get entirely put off. In fact, he moved his body properly away from his laptop computer and he intentionally turned to Justin for good. It was true that a sense of dread flickered across his eyes. There was such fear and anxiety there and such dread. But it was drowned with the deep purple haired male elaborating. "Before I continue down this path and I fully devote myself to where I need to be, I need to know if you would want to be on that journey with me instead… Eli, I need to know…"
And it was there and then that during those moments that it was actually happening, from the other room, I was finally at least a little bit aware of what was going on. The two children of James and Lynne seemed to quiet down as their brother said those sentences and it caused me to hear each and every one of those words.
A shiver was sent down my spine. Did those words mean what I think they did? It was wholeheartedly true that I had had my suspicions over the two of them together but I knew Justin and I knew Eli too. I knew that it was a delicate matter. And by putting my foot in it and broaching any of it with either of them – especially Eli – could have been disastrous.
But there and then at the same time that the deep violet haired male was finally being asked a question that the two of them had avoided since they broke up, I was preparing to face a little notch of reality also. As well as a great many other things, it intrigued me. It made me curious. It lured me in. I couldn't stop myself from poking my head through the door and watching the scene unfold myself and with my own eyes. From now on, this story is as I remember it.
Though of course, I will never be able to understand each and every fragment of what the two of them felt.
Their break up had been a very quickly oncoming and painful and explosive yet explosive in a swept under the carpet sort of way when it happened at the end of that summer. They had been living together. They had been experiencing things together. They had been falling in love with each other. Yet another thing that had been swept under a rug.
And Justin couldn't stand that. Among other things, it was the fact that Eli never conclusively or consistently uttered a great many sentences to convey what he was feeling towards the younger male. Truthfully, Justin could be exactly the same! And it was a thing on both parts that continued when they split and after they split.
They never had a proper moment to talk it through. Until that moment there and then. And unlike the deep purple haired male, Eli didn't think that day would ever come. Unlike the deep violet haired male, the deep purple haired one had been planning everything that he wanted to say.
Therefore the Unovan male reacted those words to Justin as if he was hearing them for the first time. Because he was.
Recoiling in his seat and leaning back away from the younger male, walls that they both were known for quickly began wrapping themselves around Eli's heart and being. All the same, words found themselves escaping his lips.
"Justin…" the deep violet haired male uttered in a low rumble of a voice but there was not a speck of annoyance. He merely could not meet the younger male's eyes. A flash of surprise decorated his own but then uncomfortableness beyond belief took over. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to tell the truth.
It was then Eli's turn to feel so victimised by a gaze. As I watched the deep purple haired male stand by his words in a seemingly anchored sort of way, the deep violet haired male melted into a puddle. A puddle that he wanted to be mopped up and squeezed away.
Reacting to this, the eldest Morgan finally swallowed and tilted his head to one side slightly. Creases on his forehead appeared. He didn't have to utter another word. With his eyes and with his expression and leaning forward he wordlessly said the word "please".
And for the first time since they had gone their separate ways, Eli accessed that spontaneity that caused himself to fall into Justin's arms all of those times.
"Would it change your decision if I said yes…?" Eli lowly pondered and I could see visibly from watching the expression on Justin's face that he wasn't expecting this sort of answer at all. It was his turn to learn back in the chair all over in inhale a sharp breath in between his teeth.
The deep purple haired male had been expecting a one word answer, I knew it. I gathered that he was expecting a "no". It had been obvious enough without having to say these words to each other that they both expected different things from their relationship and these things were too different to persevere through or compromise.
I wondered if in Justin's heart, he wanted to hear a "yes". That could have of course posed an entirely different situation if that was the case!
But alas, it was not a "yes". He had uttered that word towards the end of his sentence but it wasn't a deliberate and intentional expression of consent. The deep purple haired male didn't allow himself to get his hopes up. He didn't dare dwindle on the complications if it had been a "yes" – nor did he let him feel his heart soar with the possibility that they could make it work after all.
So the eldest Morgan son knew that he had to just be truthful, just like the older male was complying to be as well. It was true that all sorts of thoughts were whizzing through his mind and he was up in the air yet tugged firmly towards security by Eli's gaze that had found his all over again but he knew he had to reply.
Justin just had to comply. And as he did this, he mumbled words that he hadn't prepared to be saying when he had rehearsed in front of the mirror over the course of those prior few days.
"It… could… I don't know… It could…" Justin murmured and from the way that I observed a pinkish rose hue taking over the neck and ears of the deep purple haired male, I assumed that I was correct when I gathered that his heart beat was probably rising and fluttering in his chest.
The conversation was a serious one. It was one reaffirming where he was going to be going and who he was going with in his journey of life. There was a man in his life who he had been with for a very long time and was pretty damn certain he wanted the rest of his life with him. But their relationship had problems of their own. And it was those exact problems that lead Justin to fall into Eli's arms after splitting with Sammy - which he got the impression was for good.
The conversation was a serious one. But the deep purple haired male had been swept away and stunned and soothed by the charm of the deep violet haired Unovan male and his oncoming blush there and then proved only that. His heart had the potential to soar when Eli decided to utter a few choice words. Yet his heart in his chest had shattered at the end of summer when hurtful words came instead.
Eli was absolutely magnetic to Justin. He was charming and he was precise and he was so caring and so flattering in a completely easy-going sort of way. He charmed the pants off everyone he came into contact with without even trying to. He won Justin over very quickly indeed and when it came down to it, they truly did both want what was best for each other.
At one point they thought that they were the best for each other. Or maybe they knew otherwise. Maybe they saw the end coming but didn't know how to stop it like a freight train.
All I know is that in that moment after leaning back and collecting his thoughts, the more that Eli's gaze locked onto his after he uttered his own words of truth, the more that Justin felt himself leaning in. Literally and figuratively.
He had tried his damned hardest to move on from him but – just like he nervously anticipated – when he was in front of them, he glossed over why they had ended and how they had ended and just wanted to see a twinkle in Eli's eye for him all over again.
The Unovan male felt similarly to Justin. He never meant to hurt him. He felt the same way. And there and then, Eli was evidently acting the same way from the way that he was leaning in too.
I held my breath. I held my breath and prepared to expect the unexpected though I had a pretty good guess of what was going to happen. But I should have had more faith. And in the same breath, I shouldn't have had so much faith. Like Justin.
Those two men were out of sync all over again. The deep purple haired male was leaning in and with his heart and stomach fluttering and growing more intense. The deep violet haired male was leaning in for a closer look before he finally said what he wanted to say. What he needed to say.
His next musings were a quick crash back to reality.
"You know that I enjoyed the time and the things we shared together, Justin… But it was never on my cards to publicly reveal myself to everyone with you… That will never be on the table." Eli uttered in a voice that was as smooth as smooth could be yet had the ability to serve as a punch in the gut. Justin's eyes were very round as he was lured in by Eli's initial words but then his eyelashes violently twitched as he heard one particular word. 'Never'. That word indeed punched him in the gut but he managed not to double over. He even managed to maintain eye contact as he listened, bruised, while Eli continued. "Even being associated with you is such a risk that I won't ever be prepared for."
I took my time in observing both the deep violet haired male as well as the younger, deep purple haired one. Eli was speaking coolly and honestly while his eyebrows did even more of the talking for him. They buckled. They twitched. They sunk. It was clear to me but I knew that it wasn't clear to Justin that saying those words of truth was breaking his own heart.
And speaking of the eldest Morgan son, that punch in the gut from Eli's words continued to come. And there and then it felt like what he was hearing was worse than anything he could have possibly heard. Had he really been that incredibly stupid? Had he really been that naïve? Had he really believed that he was going places with Eli when that was now clearly not the case?
In the same way that the Unovan male's endearingly intense yet sunken eyes lured the younger male in, Justin's mischievous and playful yet soft-hearted ones had a similar effect on the older male. However, at that exact point, those teal orbs with an added hue of green turned to steel.
The deep purple haired male got up abruptly from the table with yet another squeaking noise and he moved to stand behind it, gripping onto that wood all over again – with unmistakable frustration. Eli stopped being able to look so unfaltering at the younger male. His eyes flickered left and right and darted all about. He had said the words that broke his heart to utter and after that, he couldn't bear to imagine what Justin's face was going to look like.
A low, growl of frustration and defensiveness and disgust quietly erupted from Justin's lips. He didn't seethe. He spoke so directly and levelly that it was far more telling.
"So that's it then? That's the answer? The answer that you just so happened to conveniently forget to clue me in on?" Justin snapped in the most silent way that I had ever heard anybody to snap and it caused a lump to form in my own throat. I was near enough certain that a similar effect was going to happen with Eli as his eyes continued flicking left and right and all about.
Nonetheless, I was alone in that sort of reaction. While I could see from the deep violet haired male that he had succeeded in not responding coolly with the words "you didn't ask either" – he didn't manage to restrain himself apart from that.
The Unovan male copied the eldest Morgan son's actions by standing up out of his own seat and he even managed to do one better than that. He approached the younger male and he closed the distance between the two of them. He stood right in front of them, discovering himself able to look right at him and up at him.
It caused even me a great deal of pain without even knowing the ins and outs of every little thing at that point to see Justin look down at Eli – and truly look down at him for the first time in his life. But it lasted just a second. He had to focus much harder on acting out the true heart of his feelings and not crumbling and bolting it out the door before and during Eli's next response.
"Look… I get that that could have hurt you… I get that that hurt you." Eli began and as he encouraged himself to look right at the younger male all over again, they were polar opposites once more as Justin quickly looked down at the floor. He let out a stubborn snort of derision yet wetness pricked his eyes all the same. I didn't know if it was wetness of concentrating so hard at being in the present or if it was bubbles or frustration. Or he was conjuring up tears of sadness despite the fact that he had shed do many of them in secret that it was wonder that he was not all dried up. Justin's ears burned and they burned all the more so as Eli whispered a continuation of slight bewilderment. "I don't think you realise how much it hurt me when you left me…"
And then to match the redness creeping up his neck and taking over his ears where his earring resided also, a stinging and burnt looking patch of red appeared on the cheek that was visible to me like he had been slapped. He had been slapped with words. And they hurt.
From Justin's point of view and in the aftermath of their tumultuous break up, the deep purple haired male continued believe that Eli was seemingly trying to lessen the things he had done by bringing up his own heart ache.
Justin couldn't believe it at all and he showed this by letting out another snorting exhale. It was done with such force that I wondered if Eli could have possibly been blown away! Luckily after it, the deep purple haired male stepped to the side and away from the older male. And it was when that he wasn't in front of him and he had space to look elsewhere and he sat back in his chair all over that he was able to hiss his own point of view. It was the most half-hearted hiss in the world. But he got his point across.
"And I don't think you realise how much it hurts me right now to hear that you never wanted to probably do this with me ever. How dare you not clue me in? And I don't think you realise how much it hurt me when I used to go back to my parent's house at the weekend and be miserable because deep down, I knew that you'd never accept my sexuality."
The words "yours either" rung through my ears and I couldn't tell if it was the same for Eli or not. Either way, it was his turn to linger by the back of Justin's chair and grip on the wood. As he did this, his hand must have brushed past the material of Justin's t-shirt and it caused him to jolt – like he had been shocked by one of my electric attacks.
It was a far cry from the electric tingle that he felt when Eli would run his fingertips all over the younger male's body when they were together. The deep violet haired male got that message. Though he hovered by the chair still, he kept his hands to himself and even moved them behind his back, secretly clasping them for courage.
He looked as though he didn't know what to say. For the first time, he looked as though he didn't have anything to retort and I had the nervous occasion of wondering if he was going to spot me technically eavesdropping as his eyes circled around the rest of the house. I didn't have any excuse. I cared about them both deeply. I didn't have any excuse. But I still didn't stop.
I shared that in common with one of the things that led to Justin and Eli's relationships demise.
Eli kept quiet for such a long time that it allowed Justin to lean even further away from him – he leaned forward and finally doubled over and tangled his hands in his hair. And it was maybe when he did this that Eli knew he had to speak. He had to speak from the gut while behind Justin.
"I accept both of them." Eli began and the deep purple haired male's face still didn't appear from behind his hands. Even so, his shoulders moved up and down to indicate that he was able to hear and the deep violet haired male took his seat back in front of the eldest Morgan son once again. His voice grew huskier yet more unmoving the more that he continued. "You say that you were miserable but how could I have known when you were nothing but glowing every time I walked through the door? That melted me. You melted me, Justin. I never wanted to hurt you. But this is your exact problem. Forget how you feel for one second and look at everything objectively. Think with your head. It was always going to be all or nothing with you, wasn't it? And you're crazy if you think that's healthy for either of us."
There and then, it was like how it often can be when two people of any age are trying to clear the air. And it was even more so a prime example of a discussion between two people who weren't their most comfortable selves.
With his head still buried in his hands, Justin did listen to what Eli had to say and his shoulders moved up and down in time to his words. But then when the end of his conclusion happened, the deep purple haired male revealed his face to the older male. And in such a great effort to conceal the sadness for the mistakes that he indeed too made, he looked very steely all over again.
Justin's face was revealed properly and it was a far cry from his usual very soft and innocent looks. His chin jutted out. He swallowed. He flushed.
For some reason, all he really seemed to focus on was the last part of the words. And for that reason, he finally did indeed hiss out with a lot of contempt.
"Oh, I'm crazy now, am I?" Justin questioned and he missed just one, single beat. He then leaned forward all over again but I could tell he meant nothing by it other than getting restless in his own seat. He concluded; a vein of hurt coursing through his neck. "I'm crazy? Well if I'm crazy then you're a-"
But he didn't finish his words. Like he possessed a dual hue to his eyes and he was known for his versatility in his world of music, Justin had a lot of conflicting parts of his personality. He had a vastly romantic heart but struggled to let people in. He was impatient with himself yet possessed a faultless patience for those around him. He loved so much. But like he was accusing Eli, he didn't always have the right words to express that.
Justin didn't finish his own words at that point. And it was because along with that vein of pain coursing through his neck, the softer, fairer and more balanced part of himself that he could also be known for won against the defensiveness of his broken heart. He didn't want to finish those words because he regretted saying even the start of them.
Steely eyes turned gentler and far more innocent like he was more known for while his skin reddened even further. Before he had a chance to lean back in his chair all over – yet alone actually articulate his regret – Eli looked right at him and lured him in with his gaze. He lured him in and held him on the spot in a gaze that was fully sunken and completely disappointed.
"Coward…? Do not call me a coward, Justin..." Eli uttered plainly and then he took the chance to draw back in his chair. In addition to this, he finally folded his arms and hugged them around his chest. He protected the heart that he so fiercely had wanted to give to Justin at one point but still had a lot of damage to overcome.
Justin didn't swallow abruptly when his unkindness was called out. In fact, he didn't swallow at all. He continued blushing and his eyes started flickering. Then, a tone that was vastly different from the one uttered before came out. But it was not Eli continuing his words. It was the deep purple haired male trying to retract his statement. "Trying" is a loose word.
"I didn't… I didn't… mean it…?" Justin mumbled and he paused a couple of brief times in the middle of trying to correct himself. He really did regret those words. Still, secret part of him couldn't deny the fact that he must have at least meant them at some point or at any point for them to formulate in his brain before making their way out into the open via the tip of his tongue.
Eli was an intelligent man. He was as intelligent as Justin and in a different way. He caught onto this fact in the same exact way as the deep purple haired male. He responded quickly, putting on a brave front to conceal how much he had been wounded by Justin's verbalisation.
"Yeah you did." The Unovan male pointed out and it was finally time for Justin to groan – a proper expression of regret. However, the deep violet haired male was far too focused on saying his own kind of things. Maybe he had rehearsed words for an occasion he believed would never come. Maybe he too believed it was always good to expect the unexpected when it came to the younger male. Though Eli didn't lean closer to Justin – almost unable to look at him after everything that had been said up to that point – he folded his leg over the other and then he clasped his hands over the knee that was resting on top. "You did mean it, Justin… Because your problem really is that you don't look at anything objectively. You make moments into everything that they possibly can be. And that's not always appropriate for reality. Not everything is larger than life. Some people are just trying to live their life. And they're trying to do it discreetly."
And for the first time while listening, I had to admit that I disagreed. I disagreed with what I was hearing. They were both what I would describe to be larger than life characters yet with firm heads on their shoulders and a touch of realism in their hearts. But I supposed that it was easy to think otherwise in their whirlwind summer romance.
They both probably got swept away with each other. They saw stars in each other's eyes. They saw one and other reaching for the stars. And when it was over, believed that the other person was being silly. And crazy. And cowardly too.
Most importantly and from watching in the doorway, I knew that they were going to regret a lot of words that flew about between them in that conversation for a long while after it happened.
Justin furrowed his brow. Justin furrowed his brow and he frowned. He frowned most prominently. He tried not to add in his two cents too quickly after he heard these words but he couldn't help himself. He began hugging his arms over his own chest in perhaps an attempt to stop it jutting out in contempt. Even though he managed to obscure those gestures, he couldn't stop himself from answering bluntly in response.
"That's fairly unreasonable don't you think…? You spend your life-"
I gathered that it was rare for a pair who usually used to listen to one and other so wholeheartedly that they didn't dream of cutting one and other off but that's exactly what happened there and then. Justin couldn't elaborate his own speckle of truth in that moment.
The deep violet haired male showed off a bit of defensive impatience that Justin had been juggling with that whole conversation. Eli let out a breathless sigh and he gripped his knees further. However, his jaw looked oddly softer than I had seen it in a while. And his eyes almost twinkled. Yet they twinkled sadly.
"I'm unreasonable and a coward? Boy, you really are throwing all the words at me today, aren't you, darling?" Eli expressed and I tilted my head as it became clear to me that he hadn't heard the word that escaped his lips.
But Justin very much did. And as well as the guilt and the regret and Eli pointing out what kind of behaviour he was exuding that wasn't helping at all, it was hearing that word float into his ears that caused the younger male to double over all over again and bury his head in his arms. He seemed to hug his arms over his ears.
Eli didn't catch on. Eli didn't catch on at all. He merely let out a quiet exhalation of breath, that heartbroken twinkle still residing in his eyes. He stood up. He stood up out of his seat and he intended for it to be good. His hands slid into his pockets to be some sort of consolation for himself as he added clearly but as if he really didn't want to be saying the words.
"Until you understand how it is for me and you review your opinion of me then I don't think you and I have a reason to say anything else to one and other. I hope that you have the answers that you need." The deep violet haired male got his point across very clearly but it still took Justin a moment or two to react to them. Let alone what was actually happening.
But eventually he tugged his arms away from his head and revealed himself with flickering eyes to the older male and he rose from his seat. He hiccupped. For the first time that conversation, tears were visible in his eyes. But he didn't want them to be that way. He kept turning his head away, silently praying that each shaky inhale that he had, his tears and his emotions and his heart break would fade away.
He wanted to fade away. He wanted to walk away. He very much wanted to do that after Eli made it painfully obvious that they were officially done with the conversation, as well as each other. And because the deep purple haired male wanted to throw that sense of finality right back at him, with a shaky hand, he reached into his pocket for his circular, silver ring and he slowly slid it over his finger tip, down to the base of his index finger.
All Eli could do was stare. All Eli could do was stand there. A part of him felt like he had been asking for that. Yet the sight of Justin's bare finger and the memory of how it felt to place his lips right there was a reminiscent of the fact that they had at least been once.
And in spite of all this and the wounds they inflicted on one and other, there really was a pull towards Eli for Justin, like there was for Justin for Eli. The deep purple haired male was preparing to turn on his heel and really make himself scarce after his pointed act when he had to turn back one last time. And to his surprise, the deep violet haired male was looking right at him, waiting for him.
Justin blurted out in between swallowing his vulnerability that wanted to be seen rather than his indignation.
"Do you think that we'll talk in the future?" Justin asked simply and like he had assumed most of that conversation with Eli prior to having it, he had an answer in his head that he was expecting from the older male.
And despite the fact that his chest heaved and his shoulders moved as he inhaled deeply and his eyes jewelled with an unrecognisable quality, Justin did not get the answer that he was expecting. Eli's head didn't move to indicate otherwise before his answer properly was articulated. He uttered with his feet still planted firmly on the ground.
"It's a possibility, darling. But you need to focus on what's in front of you for the time being. That's the relationship that needs your devotion and it's the one that you deserve." Eli managed to utter in a simple sort of way and I knew once more that it was the word that he allowed to escape his lips that had an effect on Justin more than anything.
He quietly whimpered in the back of his throat and that was a true expression of the heartbreak that he felt to be walking away from the man that he had fallen for so quickly and loved so truly. However, he swallowed it as quickly as he had come.
And in addition to weakening him at the core let alone his knees, the words and the tone coming from Eli's mouth strangely strengthened him in just that moment. Perhaps it was his words and his tone. Or maybe it was the older male finally being just a little bit real with him.
Either way, Justin treasured hearing that little name that time and it caused him to be able to walk right up to Eli. And not only that and not only did he very much not look down at the Unovan male as he looked back at him but he managed to do something else too.
With a shaky sigh and with a trembling hand that reached out and made contact with Eli's shoulder, just simply holding it, Justin leaned his own face in and he planted a kiss on the side of the deep violet haired male's head. He lingered there for a couple of seconds, his lips not leaving the side of his shaved head and his hand resting on his shoulder like he wanted to remember how it felt to be so close with him.
And in the exact same way, he wanted to remember the strength that he felt as though he possessed when he was indeed so close with him. He wanted to relish it. He felt that courage coursing through him and weakening him and for the first time in a long time, it was the balance that he had been longing for.
Justin whispered.
"It is. Eli…" he started and his breath grew caught in his throat but he persevered nevertheless. And Justin even squeezed his eyes tightly shut as he whispered to him and it was a far cry yet so similar when he would utter sweet things into his ear while they lay together. "I never want you to be anything other than yourself… That is something that we share beyond the confusion of it all. That is something that is undefeated even when I stop looking with my heart. And I start looking with my mind."
And that was the end of Justin's words. That was the end of their conversation. That was the end of their summer long relationship for good.
Of course, like anything that you threw yourself into so quickly and passionately and arguably recklessly, it took a very long time for the two of them to heal from it all. And that wasn't even the start of it. It wasn't even the end of it. The messiness and the despair was still not over!
But for the time being, they lay with their memories and their regrets and their heart ache as well. It carried them well. And in time it led them to where they were meant to be. Eventually.
A huge dynamic and an undeniable chemistry was at the heart of their relationship. But above and beyond it all really was a desire. A desire to see one and other succeed. A desire for one and another be exactly who they were meant to be. Who they deserved to be.
And thanks to each other – and the summer that they shared – as well as all of the other times they shared mischievous looks across the dinner table – they did indeed end up who they were exactly meant to be.
But for some time there was pain. There was uncertainty. There was regret. But there was joy. There was such joy. And they learned to embrace that harder than they once embraced each other and harder than they clung onto those melancholy memories.
They learned not to stifle out the joy as well as the other things that they felt. And it's thanks to that decision on both of their part – but wonderfully more so Eli's – that I finally got to know of this story.
And now you do as well. It's Eli's story. It's Justin's one too. It's theirs together. And it wouldn't have happened without the strength that it takes to allow your past to elevate you rather than weigh you down. But more on that as I learn it too!
The End.
There you go! Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed :) It's funny and very interesting to me how this was one of the very first Justin and Eli ones that I wrote yet it hardly needed major details changing at all. And even though this is a bit of a talk, you can tell that they really don't get to lay everything down, do they? They simply won't be ready to talk about it for a very long time. In this one they still fill very hurt. And it's entirely stopping them both from seeing each other's care for one and other. And as well as that, they're hearing their words all wrong! At least we know they get there in the end :P Thanks again for reading and I will be back next Wednesday for the last chapter of Justin and Eli. See you then :)
Amy signing out!