CHAPTER 1: WEREWOLF
It was very hot inside Lefay's. School books had been laid out for easy finding. James, eleven, had the list in one hand and money in the other.
Level 1 Brewing topped the list, and there it was.
Right next to Darren O'Hare's autobiography.
The Kenmare Kestrels captain, elite chaser and four time QUIFA winner had achieved wealth, success, fame and wealth as a very young man. Who had even heard of the author of Level 1 Brewing?
James counted his money again, and was sadly forced to conclude that he only had enough for the books on the list. And the list did not include the autobiography.
Darren O'Hare's profile on the cover glanced at him and whispered:
Buy me.
Buuuyy
Meeee...
James was abruptly ejected from his trance state by somebody screaming into the shop:
"WEREWOLF!"
In the panic and chaos that followed he found himself being pushed and shoved from all sides. Now everybody was screaming "werewolf" as they trampled each other trying to reach the exit. But very soon nobody could escape because six aurors from The Ward were blocking the entrance. Their chief flashed his badge and took a bite from his doughnut.
"Everybody stay calm. I'm Detective Hancock, hunter division. We received a shifter alert. Nobody may leave the shop until we have investigated the situation."
There was a boy at his side in an oversized Led Zeppelin T-shirt. Detective Hancock sipped on his coffee and took another bite from his doughnut.
"Where did you see the shifter?" he asked the chap.
The chap filled up his lungs well and pointed.
"He's over there! It's the man with the green bow-tie!"
The man with the green bow-tie was surrounded and handcuffed before he even realised he was the one being singled out.
"What's going on? I'm not a shifter! The boy is lying!"
"Quiet, shifter!" said an auror and beat him in the gut with his baton. "You're going to The Ward!"
The five aurors that had accompanied Detective Hancock teleported away with bow-tie man. Detective Hancock announced that the shifter had been removed and that there probably was no need to sanitise the shop. Everybody clapped and went about their day.
James got off the floor with his glasses back on in time to catch the detective opening up his wallet. The chap in the oversized Led Zeppelin T-shirt was waiting with his hand out.
"I don't do it for the money!"
He still accepted it.
"I just want us all to be safe," he said after getting his pay.
Detective Hancock ruffled up his hair and put away his wallet.
"You're a good lad!" he said, throwing an empty coffee mug on the floor on his way out. The chap dashed as well after sorting out his hair.
Sirius, ten, was reading Tim & Larry's flying ice cream menu. Each flavour name referenced something pop cultural in a punny way.
For example:
"Fudge Over Troubled Water. I Am the Walnut. A Whole Chocolotta Love."
James landed with a smooth wop and got off his Diamond Lucy.
"Instant Karamel looks good!" he said.
"It does, doesn't it!"
A Sauce Full of Secrets was especially intriguing.
"You were in Lefay's just now, pointing out that werewolf," said James.
"Do you want an autograph?"
"No. I just want to know how you did it."
Sirius side-glanced condescendingly.
"Don't you even know how to spot a werewolf?"
James shrugged.
"I read all the tips in the newspapers. But…"
The newspapers kept contradicting each other, as well as themselves.
"Is the money good?"
"If you do it a lot. I'm trying to save up for a Fender Stratocaster."
"I have never even heard of that one! How fast does it go?"
"Oh, it can go very fast!"
He began to shred an air guitar and squeal at the same time. James waited for the madness to stop.
"David Gilmour has one," said Sirius when the madness had stopped and continued reading the ice cream menu.
"Listen, you should just forget about the castratomaster and get a Twister," said James. "It has the highest air speed velocity since The Swallow, which was banned because people died in space. So how much do you get per?"
"Sorry. But were-spotting is my trade. I can't just give away my secrets, you might try to compete, or worse, point out any random person just for the money. Yes there are kids who point at their French teachers and counsellors. Hard to believe isn't it? I take my calling very seriously and this is my area."
"What secrets? You said you weren't doing it for the money!"
"The aurors don't auror for free so why should I?"
James squinted at him suspiciously.
"I don't think you care about my safety at all!"
"I care about everybody's safety. I honestly do. Do you want to go in for some ice cream?"
They went in for some ice cream.
The ice cream was very nice. Very nice ice cream. James wiped some of that Sugar Pie Honey Crunch from his mouth.
"So how do you spot them?"
Sirius wiped some of that Liquorice On Your Collar from his mouth.
"Spot what?"
"Werewolves!"
He probably shouldn't have said that so loudly. Several guests looked shocked and disapproving.
"Oh, that," said Sirius. "You want to learn to were-spot, do you? You came to the right chap. The first lesson of were-spotting is this: The werewolves are everywhere."
"The werewolves are everywhere? Wow thank you Sensei, such wisdom."
Sirius pushed his chair back and arose, cone in hand.
"My mistake. Here I thought you wanted to learn. Guess I was wrong. Bye."
"But I'm dying to know what lesson two is," said James.
Sirius sat down again.
"Lesson number one: the werewolves are everywhere. Lesson number two: they are where you least expect them. Statistically one in fifty people is a werewolf which means there is very likely one in here now."
"I read it was one in a hundred."
"Doesn't even matter. Ok let's go with your communist statistics. How many people do you think have passed through here today? A hundred people at least. When is the biggest rush? Right now. If you know anything about entropy you will understand that now is the most likely time for a werewolf to be in here."
"What is entropy?"
"It's the reason my mother's makeup drawer is always in disarray."
"Nice fingernails."
They were black. And glittery.
"Thanks."
After finishing the last of his ice cream, Sirius leaned back to scan the place. James did the same. But he did not spot any obvious giveaway in anybody.
"What are you looking for? There's a lady over there that has some hair on her upper lip."
"Lesson number one: women can't be werewolves."
"Women can't be werewolves?"
"It makes sense when you think about it. If werewolves went after women there would be no babies to eat".
That did make sense.
"How do you know so much?" James asked.
"You don't were-spot for an entire summer without learning a thing or two."
Suddenly his eyes locked in on a balding wizard sitting by himself drinking coffee and scribbling on a clipboard. He couldn't have looked less suspicious but perhaps that was the most sinister part of it. Sirius stood up, raised his wand high and began to scream:
"WEREWOLF ALERT! WEREWOLF!"
Hysterical trampling and pushing followed immediately. Six aurors came storming through the entrance.
"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo! Wat's goin' on 'ere, then? Constable 'Oover of The Ward." Flash badge and end accent. "There was a shifter alert. Nobody may leave before the situation has been dealt with. Now who summoned us?"
Sirius shouted to them and pointed at the balding wizard.
"That's the werewolf there! With the comb-over!"
The balding wizard with the clipboard had been caught in the panic along with everybody else and taken shelter behind the ice cream counter. Nobody was more shocked than him when he was handcuffed by five aurors.
"So shifters like ice cream, do they?" taunted one of them.
"This is absurd!"
"Oh I suppose you just came here to try the," glance at ice creams, "Fly Me To The Moon Pie!"
"Certainly not! I came here because I'm the health inspector!"
Constable Hoover turned to either Tim or Larry, who was in the open kitchen fishing two dead pigeons out of a water tank.
He quickly dropped them again.
"Never seen him in my life."
The five hunters teleported away with the health inspector and constable Hoover declared the situation resolved. Everybody stood and clapped. Constable Hoover had to step over a few bodies to get to Sirius, who was waiting with his hand out.
"I don't do it for the money!"
"Good job, lad," said constable Hoover, searching for his wallet. "Did you know the shifter in question?"
"Yes he's kidnapped me! I've sat on his upside down mule when we went to hell and everyone took their pants off it was awful!"
He began to sob into one arm, while the other hand was still waiting for money. James was shocked to hear that he had been through all that.
And before anybody started wondering, he added quickly:
"Wearing two masks saved me."
Constable Hoover patted him on the head.
"It's ok. You will never have to see that shifter again. You're a brave boy."
Sirius sniffed and snapped his fingers so the money would come quicker. The auror dropped money in it and teleported away. Sirius stopped sobbing and sat down to examine the money.
"Cheap bastard. You're next."
"So," said James. "You were kidnapped?"
"Uhh… Yes." He looked out the window, at the busy street. "I was."
"How did you get away!"
"Took the llama back or whatever."
"So you didn't see any signs. You just happened to recognise your kidnapper."
"I guess so. But I do know how to spot them. I can show you!"
He reached under his hair and removed a spider earring.
"Did you nick that from your mum's jewellery box?" James asked.
"No my dad's."
Sarcasm?
"Lesson number one: werewolves have very thick skin. Poke them with something sharp and they won't feel it. It is a surefire way of identifying one. Come on I'll show you!"
On the street outside, James looked around for a greasy haired type in a trench coat. Nobody was making sinister side glances and licking his lips as far as he could see. Sirius nudged him.
"Here's a perfect one!"
"I think something is definitely suspicious about Mr Sweeney, who runs the barber pie shop."
Mr Sweeney was out shaking an apron. It had blood stains. He was always looking over his shoulder.
"Not Mr Sweeney!" said Sirius. "Him!"
A street bagpiper had just joined the queue to the Lefay floo stop to take his music to a different part of town.
"Why him and not Mr Sweeney?" James asked.
"It is such a rookie mistake to suspect someone like Mr Sweeney because he sniffs his clients and they go missing. The first step to becoming a successful were-spotter is to think like a werewolf."
"So teach me how to think like a werewolf."
"A werewolf wants to do two things. Number one: blend in. Number two: have an alibi. Dougal McGregor there-"
"Racist."
"-could have his prey screaming in his dungeon and nobody will hear him for the bagpipe. And should aurors come and interrogate him he can just say he was attending a Robbie Burns reading soiree in Glasgow at the time. Who wouldn't believe him?"
James had to admit, he would believe it. He stood back and watched Sirius sneak up behind the bagpiper with the big red beard and give him such a good pricking in the kilt even James could feel it.
"Ooo!" The bagpiper jerked around. "Why you…!"
He shook his fist at Sirius, looking like he could have won a few pub brawls. Sirius jumped back and raised his wand to the sky. The shifter alert had been fired before the bagpiper could decide whether to plead or give him red ears.
"WEREWOLF!"
Aurors cracked into being on the spot.
"Name's sergeant Houlihan and I'm a cahp!"
Sergeant Houlihan flashed his badge. His voice and accent brought a place like New Jersey to mind.
"What's a 'cahp'?" somebody asked.
"Certified Authority on Hunting Procedures. Cahp. I'm a cahp. I drink Irish whiskey because I'm a cahp. This area has been port-banned. By me, because I'm a cahp. There was a shifter alert and nobody may leave until it has been resolved. So who summoned us?"
Sirius ran to him.
"It was me, Sir! That's the werewolf there!"
The other five hunters surrounded the shocked bagpiper, took his dear bagpipe and teleported away with him. Sergeant Houlihan declared the situation resolved, gave Sirius money and went back to The Spring Dragon to finish his chicken chow mein.
"There, you see?" said Sirius. "Werewolves have incredibly thin skin."
"Wow!" said James, impressed. "Let me try!"
They took the were-spotting to the nearest square, where fruit vendors were busy vending their fruit. James kept looking for those sinister side glances. One costermonger had an oopsie moment with fallen apples and had to come around to pick them up.
"Here's a perfect one!" Sirius gave James a nudge as well as his spider earring.
"My dentist, Doctor Robert? He once gave me novocaine when I asked for laugh gas and then it still hurt when he removed the wrong tooth. But I don't know..."
James waved to his passing dentist.
"That's socialist dentistry for you," said Sirius.
"It was a private clinic."
"Cool story. Now do the test on Mr Fruit Picker over there."
Mr Fruit Picker was on his knees collecting the final apples. His trousers were sliding down, exposing a perfect plumber's crack. Sirius kept urging James to prick him right in it. Nervously he went closer to the crack, but he only had the nerve to give him a very light poke in his useless belt.
The fruit vendor didn't even wince.
"Should I prod harder?" James whispered back to Sirius. "The belt is pretty thick."
"No!" Sirius whispered back. "Can't you see this man has unnaturally thick skin?"
He was right. James stepped back. The turn was his. He raised his wand to the sky and fired a shifter alert.
"WEREWOLF!"
Mr Fruit Picket looked around wildly.
"Where? Where?"
Then he was beaten senseless by eight aurors and removed. One hunter stayed behind to announce the situation resolved. James waited with his hand out.
"I don't do it for the money!"
The hunter gave him money and patted him on the head.
"We aurors really depend on chaps like you," he said.
Then he went to a travel agency.
James felt the kind of exuberant pride only a good deed could make him feel. This was the first money he had made as an up-and-coming were-spotter. He had brought his first shifter to justice and Diagon Alley felt safer already.
"I made money!"
So shiny the money was. He admired his beautiful money. He could smell the Twister with the purple pitched tail lights and thirty inch fins. This was better than walking dogs!
"At this rate I will just have to spot 500 more werewolves. But they just can't be that many, can they? Do you always get it right?"
"The hunters have taken away each of them," Sirius replied. "I've made a lot of money so far doing this."
"A lot? I knew Diagon Alley was unsafe but not THAT unsafe!"
They ran around were-spotting until well after teatime, at which point James was found by his mum who had been driving around looking. He didn't tell her about his new career, because he feared she would find such a trade too dangerous.
After that he would go out and were-spot almost every day. And admire his growing piggy bank every night.
Until it arose his mum's suspicion. She just found it hard to believe he could have walked that many dogs.
Then one day he pricked their neighbour Mr Teller-Penn by accident and summoned hunters before he realised the mistake. Fortunately Mr Teller-Penn was a retired auror so nobody took the accusation seriously. Despite this, James learned he wasn't getting a Twister for Christmas either. And the piggy bank money was going straight to the Damnation Army.
Some thanks for trying to keep people safe!