(Full Title: The One Where They Hold Space At Christmas)
Hello, it is Wednesday and I am back with a new chapter! Happy Christmas and other things to those celebrating! Today commences the first of my festive uploads and it's not one without its drama :D I wrote this back in summer funnily enough when the idea came to me and I wanted to write it straight away so I did exactly that! Christmas can be wonderful. But when it involves all sorts of different people, it can get dramatic. This chapter focuses on Justin and James mostly as they deal with emotions running high. It takes place when Jorginho is no longer living with James following him living with James and his family when Jordan and Lynne have to go back "up there". It's a story filled with grief. But full of heart, I hope. I hope you enjoy :)
Ages:
James: 48
Justin: 27
Jorginho: 38
Disclaimer: I own the story and the OCs mentioned!
Christmas holds a special place in lots of people's hearts, mine included. I hold all kinds of tales surrounding that time near to me, some that I am a part of and some that I hear on the grapevine and fill with immense joy when I can speak of them.
This tale I was a part of in some ways. And in many more ways, I must admit that I nearly wished that I wasn't. Sometimes I witness very raw emotions coming to the surface, and they threaten to drown me only a fraction to what the other person is feeling but still enough to make an impact.
This is one of those stories. One of those stories where I should have minded my own business. And one at Christmas time, too.
Let us begin.
James sat at his desk in his office, for once not lost in reverie and with a hand outstretched to the elongated oak of his workspace, pondering all what he had been able to bring to life on that mere space. Instead, he was getting along with things the best he could and beginning to wrap a few things ready for the big day.
I should have left him hours ago and followed Misty back to Ash and got stuck into the festivities at our house. But James needed me, I suspected. He needed anyone; this was probably truer. So, I couldn't help but keep him company as he took a figurine he had bought for his youngest son, Johnny, out of the toy shop paper bag and bought it to the square of tree adorned paper that he had bought especially.
He tried to think mundane thoughts to himself, wondering for another time how all his sons had been into those sorts of sci-fi, gun shooting, strange creature adopting movies since they were very little. But whatever those genes were had somehow evaded him entirely.
Looking across from him in another chair at the opposite end of his desk as if I were the most important of visitors, I very viscerally imagined the kind of thoughts plaguing him.
It had caused an oh so familiar yet excruciating ache in his heart to pick out toys for his children to open on Christmas Day and know deep down that their mother would not be around on the special day to see their little faces as they opened their gifts.
Before I could learn of the true thoughts that had caused him to hesitate before covering the plastic box with a blanket of wrapping paper, the door to his office swung open. I hadn't even heard anybody else in the house, let alone someone putting the key in the front door to enter!
I longed to have the time to turn to James, wondering if he had known. But the noise had been a dull background buzz in comparison to his flickering thoughts. Or perhaps, that was a sound that he welcomed. Strangely, that sound for him too was like that of coming home.
He must have been glad to have a reason not to try and push forward with his wrapping when Justin was the one to bustle through the door, brown paper bag in his own clutch.
"Hey Dad. How are you doing?" Justin greeted his father immediately, paper bag fluttering down to the floor and his black leather jacket joining it, indicating that he was staying at least for a cup of tea. "Wrapping presents for the little ones?" he spied, guessing correctly.
Justin didn't address me or greet me either, but I could hardly hold it against him as once he rid himself of his belongings and as he approached his father's desk, his usual single ring clad hand rested on the top of my head.
I erected my spine and sat up to greet him in return. He had always been so friendly, and observant too.
James did not need to nod, instead gladly taking the opportunity to grunt his chair away from the desk and remove his glasses from his face as if he did not need to see clearly to bask in the beauty that was his eldest son's silhouette.
He did not hesitate to move to hold his son in his arms, pressing a kiss to his cheek that was cold to the touch from the winter weather that Kanto had been experiencing.
"Trying to." James confessed, but he did not allow his mind or the conversation to linger now that his spirits had been lifted by the company. I tried not to feel my black, beady eyes from turning as green as his! "You wait until your little girl grows up to care about the precision of the paper instead of just ripping it open like Johnny does."
In the same way that James hadn't once held back from enveloping Justin in his paternal love, Justin made the most of being pressed against him, figuring that he needed the comfort, rubbing between his shoulder blades before finally pulling away to grin at him.
Justin's dimples winked at James.
"Surely it's better than me when I was little and ripping open the paper long before Christmas morning?" he naturally lightened his father's melancholic mood with an anecdote from his own childhood and whether it was purposeful or not, it worked.
After only just pulling away from their embrace, James laughed properly for the first time that I had seen that day. He didn't exactly agree to his son's words. But his eyebrows softened and rose on his brow, indicating that it was a treasured memory all the same.
Perhaps not for his younger siblings who had been robbed of the chance to open their gifts too!
"So, what brings you by? Just a trip down memory lane?" James spoke to his son. Teasingly. But I couldn't help but notice that he seemed hopeful too. His glasses were back in front of his eyes. "Shall I put the kettle on?"
I waited for Justin's eager compliance, possibly reaching for his denim shirt, and tossing that onto the pile with his mystery bag and leather jacket too. It was lovely with James' open fire, but it wasn't that warm.
Stunned was the feeling left ricocheting about my heart when not only did Justin reject another trip down memory lane but the offer of a cup of tea too!
"Oh, I can't stay, sadly." Justin began and I felt like I was the most interesting thing in the office to him there and then as his hand rested on top of my head once more and he watched his silver ring clad finger massaging the spot between my eyes and above my nose. "Eli needs a lift into the city for something or other and I didn't have anything else to do so…"
That had to sting.
Surely Justin could have used his time to check in with his father a little longer rather than acting as a chauffeur to Jordan's cousin.
His ex-lover.
Not that he knew that I still remembered this anecdote vividly.
James was unable to make his mind up whether he wanted his glasses on his face or not, lifting them away from his eyes once more before using his white linen shirt to clean the lenses.
He responded while focusing on this task.
"He needs to drive around by himself more often or he'll never get comfortable with it." James said, causing my head to swing away from the excellent job that Justin was doing with his knuckles against my fur to see he was going against his usual rule and giving unsolicited opinions. "Maybe you should offer to buy him lessons." It was Justin's head that swung like a pendulum this time! "Although Katie's a different girl on the road since you taught her."
I wondered if Justin would accept the chance to feel smug that he had indeed been the reason that Katie had passed her driving test. But he hadn't ever been that kind of person. And probably wouldn't ever be.
Rather than this, his features all scrunched up on his face and he moved away from being behind me, lingering to the right of the chair while his father was back standing behind his test, giving his glasses a thorough clean.
"Pull the other one." Justin sounded these words out humorously enough but the way that his irises revolved in his sockets and his arms folded over his narrow chest indicated that his dad should drop it.
James was the last person that Justin would accept advice from surrounding not ending up alone in a car with your former lover. Not that this is what James was getting at anyway, I don't believe.
Naturally respecting his son's friendly but firm warning, James' lips pressed together in an amiable line, settling his glasses back on his face and coming around from behind his desk to stand next to his son.
They were equals once more.
"So, what do I owe the pleasure?" James wondered, looking at his son through his glasses in a way that almost fooled me into thinking that he was really displeased before breaking the distance between them both further still. "You just wanted a daddy cuddle?"
And with that, Justin was pulled back into his arms again and another kiss was pressed to his cheek, leaving him squirming that time and pretending to shove him away.
I couldn't help but openly chuckle. James had fooled me, even if Justin knew his father well enough to know better.
"Oh, leave me alone!" Justin exclaimed, pushing his father away from him and James breaking into chuckles as he moved away from him but it not getting lost on him either the way that his finger affectionately brushed under James' beard before shrugging his shoulders as if to make himself his own man once more. "If you can put me down long enough, I've got something to talk to you about."
James' lips continued to be graced with a smile even after Justin's hands disappeared into his pockets and while he couldn't ignore the rush of gladness that things could feel a bit normal for them all, he knew when to get serious.
His own hand was visible as it adjusted his glasses on his face, the lenses briefly reflecting the winter sun from the window.
"What do you wish to talk to me about?" wondered James. He did not even need to add the words, reassuring Justin that he could talk to him about anything because surely at his age of twenty-seven, he very much knew.
Justin did not hesitate to get down to it, though he did speak some more words before his foot loosely nudged against the brown paper bag he had left discarded on the floor, then going ahead with lifting it up off the ground.
"It's more show you rather than talk to you about, I guess. Maybe." He fumbled, causing the light of James' glasses to bounce off the walls of his office as his neck inclined to the one side. For once, he was clueless what his son was talking about. "I began drawing this picture for Jorgie for Christmas but suddenly wondered if it would be too upsetting for her." The brown paper bag fluttered down to the floor alone. A small canvas was in Justin's hand. "What do you think?"
James did not yet know what he thought because the print of the artwork was facing Justin rather than him. But already, his eyes behind his round black lenses were softening, his mouth pressing together in a line and threatening to reveal a crevice to the right of it.
Justin had always been so caring. So considerate.
James' eyes glimmered for a different reason when his son flipped the canvas round for him to see.
"It's Lynne." James mumbled in a way that was closer to a whisper, adjusting his glasses from the earpiece one more time before craning closer to the drawing tentatively.
As I looked on with a lump in my throat, I knew that it had been a while since he looked upon the face of Lynne. Unlike when she usually had to go away, he hadn't tortured himself too much by looking at photographs.
"It is." Justin said although, like his father's words, he did not exactly need to say them either. Him stretching the small canvas out further to his father and a shrugging motion of the shoulders encouraged him to take hold of it. "I've really enjoyed doing it. But I don't know. Will it make her sad?"
In a comparable way that he had broken the distance with the artwork when it was in his son's hold, James gingerly held onto it by its corners as if his fingers would ruin the etching. But it was done with pencil and could not be ruined with admiration or otherwise.
I tried not to take too many stares at it or the scene either, but I couldn't help it. Justin's art had always filled me with wonder. He had been really invested in that fresh style of art of his recently, copying a photograph of somebody while not taking your pencil away from the page.
No wonder his artistic flair had led him to summon somebody he surely missed, and to put his heart and soul into a gift for his little sister.
"It could make her emotional." James said at last, breathing a heavy breath out of his nostrils after he had said these words, drawing the canvas block closer to him as if he was preparing to embrace it in the same way he had enveloped his son with his affection. "But I think she will adore it all the same." James started blinking rapidly. "It's beautiful, Justin."
Justin did not realize that he had been holding onto a bout of air in his lungs when he let his own breath escape from his nostrils, his shoulders positioning themselves in their usual place, feeling the urge to blink more than usual himself.
His hands disappeared into his jeans pockets even if his words didn't conceal themselves.
"I wouldn't want to make her sad. Especially not on Christmas." Justin said, receiving a nod of the head from his father before he continually gazed to what his son had been able to construct for his daughter – for them all really. "I made sure to leave some space so she can write something. Words. Poetry. You know what she's like."
One of Justin's hands escaped from the pocket of his jeans and tousled through his locks. The conversation switching to Jorgie rather than the massive gaping hole in all their hearts made James feel able to look on at the artwork with one more look, a more freeing one, before handing it back to Justin once he was done rummaging through his hair.
His fingers quickly left his thick strands to accept it. He always felt his stomach unclench when his art was being given back to him, even if it would be set free for good eventually.
"I do." James concurred, unable to stop his eyes from drying and yet shimmering all the same at the reminder of how creative Justin's little sister was in her own way. "I think it's the most thoughtful gift she'll receive, Justin." He told him, causing the younger male's toes to twiddle in his boots that he was still wearing. "You've always been the best, most devoted big brother."
James didn't bother saying the words to her, to them both because the truth rang out even if his words did not. It was as if an invisible puppeteer with a flair for piano playing had taken over Justin's feet as his father continually complimented, his toes dancing away in his boots away to themselves increasingly as time went on.
Justin tried to be flattered – well, he was – but he also couldn't stop himself from squinting in the light of his father's office, smiling and revealing his dimple before ducking towards the carpet to put the canvas away in the paper bag.
I couldn't help but feel if James needed a minute to say goodbye to it seeing as he hadn't been granted this blessing with the actual Lynne, but my mouth could only open before Justin found his own words.
"I don't know about that." Justin couldn't help but gently argue, no doubt it flashing through his mind how impatient and bewildered he had been when it came to his little sister when she was a little tot. Nevertheless, his dimple winked through all his sentences. "I just want her to have a nice day." His dimple started to fade away as his hands slid into his pockets again now that the canvas was resting in the bag against his ankle. "Us all too, really. Even though it will be a bit different."
There it was. The elephant in the room.
It wasn't exactly a secret. But heartache – grief – is always a funny thing, no matter how seasoned you are at dealing with it.
You certainly don't want to brush it under the carpet. But it announces itself enough without you needing to poke at it. Sometimes it was nice to act as if everything was okay. To act as if you feel okay. Even though in the middle of the night all you can think about is how much of a lie that is.
James took a big breath in through his lungs and Justin held space for this, tilting his head on the one side and managing to look back at his son in return. It suddenly dawned on James that this was as good of a time as any.
Within Justin's mind, he was preparing for his father to share his woes and he welcomed that, even though he had said that he wouldn't be staying long.
"I'm glad we're talking about this because I need to talk to you about something regarding Christmas too." James began and immediately, Justin was all ears. Though he was fondling at a piece of lint in his jeans pocket, he was ready for whatever his dad threw at him. "Don't worry, I promise you can eat cereal as normal while everyone else eats other stuff that will rot their teeth." James added when he realized how serious he had made his intention sound.
For some reason, this threw Justin for a loop more than anything, for he had been waiting for some deep, emotional insight into his father's heart.
Regardless, he found himself chuckling and his hands revealing themselves all order to wrap around his own chest. Not that he needed any embracing.
Not yet anyway.
"What is it, Dad?" Justin wondered through chuckles, then deciding that it was probably something to do with the food or something like that and, just because their situation was a little bit rough, they didn't need to be so serious all the time.
Yes, that was it. It wasn't going to be anything that he couldn't handle.
Justin should have been able to get a hint when his dad slowly moved back around behind his desk, sitting down, and fiddling with the various pens and things at his workspace. He should have known something was up when James' glasses faced him, but his eyes did not.
"I was just going to tell you that Jorginho will be joining us for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day too." James said and immediately, Justin's upper arm flinched but both his arms remained fix to his chest. James should have known too. But he couldn't look at his son. "I hope that's okay." He blurted out before spelling out more words. "I'm sure it will be. I mean, you like Jorginho a lot, right?"
And with that, James decided now was the time that he had enough courage to face the wrapping and began meeting the two edges of paper to the middle over the figurine and even taping it shut.
I wanted to outwardly grimace. In fact, I wanted to run! But I did not exactly know why. All that I knew was that I gathered that, for some reason, this would not be okay with Justin.
Keeping my eyes to myself as best as I could, I listened to Justin spell this out as reasonably as he could, his arms tightening against his torso.
"I like Jorginho very much indeed." Justin agreed. Although James tried to tell himself that he could relax and nod his head upon hearing this, his stomach knew that he was lying. It knotted itself repeatedly inside of him. "Little unfair though, don't you think?"
James wanted to act as if he had been able to look at Justin the entire time. He hated how cowardly he was being. He hated that Justin deserved better but for some reason he could not give it. He could not, however, admit even to himself that he had been looking at him the whole time because it became glaringly obvious when James at last met his son's unfaltering gaze.
It was then that James decided that he couldn't pretend anymore. He let out quite the sigh from his parted lips and this wasn't something I had heard from him in a long time.
"How is it unfair, Justin?" he questioned patiently enough. But, then again, he didn't exactly have anything to need a great deal of patience surrounding. He wasn't the one being clued in for the first time.
I was left twiddling my own paws when I witnessed something unfold between Justin and James that I had never seen before.
I listened as Justin filled his father in promptly, and with minimal hesitation.
"Oh, I don't know." Justin started, though it was obvious that he very well did know. "The fact that even before Lynne and Jordan went away, we decided that we would have one family only Christmas and now you've decided to change it last minute."
James could have argued that it was clearly not last minute as December was barely halfway through and besides, if it was such a rush then why was Justin only just starting his little sister's picture?
But James would never throw this in his face. He didn't even bother to remind Justin that Jorginho technically was family - he could be Justin's brother-in-law if he married Sammy.
James, however, didn't say any of this. He scarcely said anything.
I did not know where to look.
"You can feel how you feel about it, Justin, and that's valid but I won't allow you to argue my decision and change my mind." James' bottom left his seat, but his mind did not leave his stance to have a different one. "It's happening."
Justin was speechless! His dad had always been the kind of parent to talk through disagreements with him and to hear his opinion no matter what. Now what? There suddenly was no arguing? It was his way or no way?
Naturally, Justin could feel the heat rising within him, showing itself by flushing underneath his t shirt and up towards his collarbones.
"It's happening?" Justin repeated, moving forward, and resting his hands on the oak desk table that separated him and his father and loathing it for doing so. "Oh, so when I posed that it would be a difficult Christmas already without being separate, that gets ignored, but you get to just invite whoever you want?"
James should have known that his son was going to react in this sort of way but that did not stop him from fighting to draw air into his lungs, running a hand through his hair that started by brushing over his forehead to soothe the migraine that was sure to envelop him.
For a rare occasion, he did not have the time or the energy to deal with pushbacks. He just didn't have it in him anymore.
No doubt would this end badly because of it.
"You didn't get ignored, and Jorginho isn't just whoever." James couldn't help but mutter defensively, and he knew that it would not get lost on Justin how he chose to address this point rather than scolding Justin for using the absences of Jordan and Lynne to win his case. He tried to hurriedly add because of this. "As I said, you are entitled to feel peeved by it but quite frankly, Justin-"
Justin wouldn't learn what was frank about it all. Even he didn't know whether it was a different kind of elephant in the room or hearing his name over and over again, but something snapped inside of him.
He caused me to flinch as he did something quite out of character for him, his palms slapping on his father's desk as he exclaimed.
"I just don't see why I had to let down Katie and the others and say that I couldn't see them because you made it a family only Christmas and now you get to invite whoever you want." The coolness of Justin's voice contrasted the slap that echoed through both James' and I's bones and perhaps this was him making up for his rash behavior.
Or maybe that was just him.
Like his own father, he had hit a wall. And he knew there was no point yelling. There was no point cursing. There might not even be a point saying anything. Justin could see that there was no getting through at all. And this is what hurt him the most.
Looking across at his father with pricking, hawk-like eyes, Justin waited for his response. He waited for his father to remind Justin once again that Jorginho wasn't just anybody. But he did not hear these words at all. He did not hear anything of the kind.
He wondered whether it was James believing that Justin was guilt-tripping him by mentioning Katie – or the horror of wondering who the others were – that caused him to have the reaction that he had.
Whatever it was, Justin couldn't prepare himself for it.
He was left flinching too when emotion suddenly erupted through James, his neck flushing the color of a beetroot and his vein throbbing with anguish.
James argued back. He shouted.
"He's going to be alone on Christmas, don't you see that?!" James thundered, white hot and then cold emotion hitting Justin immediately but that did not stop his father. "And it's my fucking fault!"
Justin had never seen his father fully lose his cool before, much less even raise his voice. He had heard about it. As a child he hadn't been stupid to the holes in the wall that had appeared while he was at school and the icy silence between his parents as they waited for him and his siblings in the car.
But this was... Justin did not even want to say that it was new. This word couldn't even run through his mind.
All he could think about was how upset he felt as he backed away. And then all he could do was feel the tears gushing to his eyes as he watched his father come to terms with what he had done, his own eyes widening before he lifelessly flopped down into his chair, his head in his hands and not knowing to begin how sorry he was for taking it out on Justin.
Justin had but a handful of options there and then. I did as well. My instinct screamed at me to run. But for some reason I stayed put. Not even to selfishly observe. I had to be there for James. He was clearly hurting.
Justin's finger raised to swipe a tear from his cheek before it could even descend there. He had a handful of options. But deep in his heart he knew that he had only the one option.
He couldn't leave him there. Not after he had been there for him through so many things. For some reason, his mind raced back to when he had blamed his father for Katie going away or something like that. And he knew that if his father had been able to sit with him through that, then he had to do the same.
Justin did not feel like he owed him. He just knew that he needed to. His father had been through more than the one loss recently. No wonder he wanted a bit of happiness and to see his beaming companion on Christmas morning.
Silently, Justin moved around to his father's side of the table, and it made him crumble even more into his own hands when not only did he feel his son sitting on the arm of the chair with him but, slowly but surely, his arm snaked around his shoulders.
Justin pulled his dad to his chest like he had done to him millions of times over since he had taken his first gasping breath.
"Why is it your fault…?" Justin wondered in a whisper. Perhaps this was the wrong thing to say. He should have just forgiven his father aloud even though he had not yet said sorry, but it was clear that he felt it.
Maybe Justin had every right to just be silent and just be present. But a part of him needed to know. A part of him knew that a big picture had to be revealed to him so they could both be friends again. Them all be friends again.
None of the weirdness and heartache that had occurred recently. That was worse than the silence.
James had sobbed to himself as silently as he could with his shoulders bobbing up and down and only continued to do so more when he felt his son's touch against him.
He shouldn't be there, he told himself. He should never have to see me like this.
But rather than pushing Justin away and risk snapping at him or worse, making him think he was stupid by quickly wiping his face and acting like everything was perfectly okay, he allowed himself to come undone in his son's presence. And be put back together again by his patience.
As much as anything, I supposed, Justin had learnt well from him.
James told himself that he could never speak his mind on that day. But he did there and then. Anything was better than hearing the words echoing through the chambers of his mind and the guilt eating him alive.
More than just the guilt of shouting at his boy.
"I let him lose me." James admitted thickly before he could stop himself. But because he was still a parent even though he was then assuming the role of a child, he quickly moped up his own face and clarified. "I let him lose me back when I left Team Rocket." Justin's heart cracked while his father's voice did. "He hasn't been the same ever since. He's basically more or less said that I screwed him up."
Justin didn't like that air escaped his nostrils in a loud manner in case it came across wrong, but this is what happened. He still tried to conceal it or at least soften it with the way that he rubbed his father's shoulder that was furthest away from him with his right hand.
He was not blind to the way that James' face flushed and puddled furthermore, and this is what rendered Justin's heart to being shattered glass for good.
"I might not know Jorginho as well as you do," Justin began carefully, even if these words caused James' shoulder to flinch underneath the touch of his son. "But I don't believe he would ever say that about you." Justin's lips seized the moment to press together. "I think he would blame himself instead of you."
Justin patted his dad on the shoulder just once rather than offering to fetch him a tissue, knowing he would have to leave his side. He was left wondering if it was this or his words that caused James to find his cracking voice hurriedly.
"He might try to take the blame but it's on me." James' lower lip wobbled around his words, and he proceeded to take off his glasses, casting them to the one side and not bothering to see how sodden they had become. I caught a glimpse of them as he inadvertently tossed them my way and they were indeed like a windscreen caught in the rain. "If I had stayed…"
This is how Justin knew that this was James' guilt and his emotions talking because he and Jessie and even Meowth had quit the organization for the safety of their family and not once had they truly regretted protecting the then little ones.
Justin did not judge his father – he could never. But he could see things from outside of the maze that James was caught in, and he could see that there was little use in wishing that things could have been different.
Who could say things would have been any better?
"I think both you and Jorginho would have ended up very similar to how you are now, and you still would have been all that you have been through." Justin was able to speak firmly because his father was not. He bookmarked his certainty by rubbing in between his shoulder blades yet again.
Truth is such an interesting thing. I've often pondered it over and over. I know James has as well.
For some reason, on that day, he seemed insistent that he was the one with the whole truth. Perhaps that was allowed given he was the one who truly knew the ins and outs of he and Jorginho's bond.
But nevertheless, he had been aching since Jorginho had moved out. And it was all coming to light from the way that he was talking.
"I know that's not true." James murmured, his voice losing gumption at the end of his words if he even had anything left at all. Fortunately, Justin was there with his head screwed on for them both. Justin was the voice of diplomacy.
How quickly he had been able to reach that place after only just been horrified by his father's actions.
But then again, like it often was, he would surely grieve for the small loss of his perfect father figure later.
"I'm not that much worried about the truth." Justin found his words hurriedly and it caused James to cautiously try and meet the gaze of his son, but he did need to. He was soon looking away from him again. Justin's hands grew strength as they not only firmly rested on his shoulders but pulled him in closer to him, so his chin was resting on James' head. "If you want Jorginho to come for Christmas then I'll get over it." James wanted to crumble again but Justin was holding him up. "I'd rather view you as a hypocrite than see you sadder than you need to be…"
I watched with that pesky lump making a home in my throat all over again when, though James had managed to be hoisted up in Justin's arms a couple of seconds before, all the weight he had been carrying inside him left him in the next while.
He seemed to tumble down, down into his chair but hold him Justin still managed to do.
James hadn't meant for things to get to that point. He hadn't meant to any of it to lead to where they then were. The way he hadn't bothered to hear Lynne out after her fight with Jorginho and she had disappeared right in front of him. The way they both hadn't been able to not get closer and closer to one and other when Jorginho came to live with him to help look after Jorgie and Johnny.
James hadn't meant for the grief of losing Jorginho all over again to manifest itself and lead him to shout at his son.
James was just sorry. Sorry for it all. Especially for the shouting. He knew what it was like to be on the other end of it.
"I'm sorry…" All James could do was whisper instead of focusing on the love silently beating in his heart for Justin at the way that he was willing to swallow his pride and his rigidity to welcome his boyfriend's brother with open arms on Christmas Day.
These words might have been the only ones that he mustered, but his gestures still prevailed. Justin's chin lingering on the top of his head thoughtfully, without looking, he raised a hand upwards and cupped it around his son's cheek.
He awaited the arrival of a dimple. But he would be waiting for a while. It was Justin's turn to feel as though this was a greater time than any.
In fact, he spoke solemnly as James had to pull his hand away from his son as Justin pulled away from him too, to meet his gaze as best as they were willing to offer.
"Jorginho has made you really happy during a very sad, confusing time, hasn't he…?" Justin's mouth, in his own mind, struggled around his words but James wished he could be as plain as his son could be. His son was the first to look down at where their bodies could mesh at any moment. "Probably made you very happy even when things were good…"
Justin didn't flesh out the words that flashed through his mind.
He made you happy while I was too busy living my own life to think about how everyone was fleeing the nest in different ways.
Justin may not have said them, but James heard them as if he had. Felt them as if he had carved them out for everyone to see and here. James longed to be brave like Justin, courageous like Justin.
But in that moment – on that day – he had never felt more like a shell of a man.
He wished to shut his eyes, but he managed to fight that urge. Still, he looked away. But his tears looked right at Justin, and the moustache part of his beard broke the distance with his nose as his expression crumpled.
All he could do was nod his head. With sadness. With loss. With guilt as well.
Justin had never wanted his dad to feel guilty. And he showed this by the sigh that spoke through his nostrils all over again and the way he pulled him back close to him again, bedding his baby-smooth chin against his father's greying parting.
He didn't exactly blame James for taking the offer of Jorginho moving in with him to help him take care of the house while James took care of the house while Jessie was on a trip with Jaxon and then one relating to work. He knew in due course as much as anybody that when he moved out it would highlight the loss of both Lynne and Jordan too.
But what was the point of life if you did not feel? What was the point of life if you did not hurt? Your heart aching made you certain that it was beating.
And Justin couldn't blame his dad for wanting a bit of sunshine in his life. He had delivered that to more than just James. So much so that the gaping hole that Jorgie and Johnny's mother left had not exactly stitched itself up but had started to glow with the promise of healing.
The words were on the tip of Justin's tongue. That he knew what it was like to find joy in someone you would go on to miss like a hole in the head. That he knew what it was like to feel scared. To feel lonely. Justin almost had the guts to spell out that he had suspected how close James and Jorginho were even before himself and Sammy made lighthearted jokes about being the older version of the two of them.
I think Justin was glad that he didn't have to say these words. At least he didn't have to face the anxiety that perhaps, one day, like James and Jorginho, he and Sammy were destined to lose each other over and over.
The reason for both James' ecstasy and his downfall suddenly entered the office. And no doubt could Jorginho only see the destruction that he had caused when he packed his bags. He had only stopped by because he had been walking through the neighborhood and saw Justin's car parked on the drive.
Jorginho might have run away from many things in his life. But he could not run away from James' sadness. And the immediate guilt that swarmed him like insects as soon as he saw his red, tear-stained eyes.
"O-Oh. Oh no." he stammered out at first, his hand still on the doorknob and his eyes glancing from the tears of James that he feared he was the cause of and Justin. He didn't know why he had come to see him. He didn't believe he was his favorite of people at that time. "Shall… Shall I go?"
A dam had been released in James. How he longed to shake his head and tell Jorginho that it was fine – that he did have anything to be sorry about even though he hadn't said these words – and that it was okay for him to stay.
But the dam was released.
Tears sprung down James' cheeks and this left Jorginho with brewing, big brown eyes of his own. But he did not know if he should cross the threshold.
Justin had done an awful lot of talking on that day. And in that moment, he figured he could do more of that for his father. But at the last second before he offered Jorginho the tiniest trace of a dimple to show that it was okay, his phone buzzed and his checked his messages.
Justin cursed. And then he changed what he intended to say.
"It would be good if you could stay because, actually, I'm the one who needs to get going." Justin's phone slid back into his back pocket and then before he unpeeled himself from his father's side, he rested his chin against his head one more time to show that he wasn't fleeing the scene because of either of them. He showed Jorginho this too by the way that he reached out to his shoulder before making a grab for his jacket. "Give him a bit of a cuddle, will you?" Justin's own throat froze as if he too couldn't believe he was saying these words. "I think you're the person he needs the most right now."
And with one final squeeze of Jorginho's shoulder, Justin tugged his jacket over his slim arms and didn't bother to properly say goodbye to any of us in his wake. He didn't even take his present for Jorgie with him. Jorginho would have to try not to trip over it as he made his way to James.
At first, he wondered if he should. James hadn't looked at him since he made his sudden entrance and was now rubbing his eyes in circles with his thumb and fingers on the same side, surely willing himself to absorb his tears.
Jorginho did not know whether he was welcome.
But he heard the front door slam and then the engine of Justin's car and knew that it had to mean something that he had spoken for his father.
It felt like the longest distance he had ever walked as he broke the distance with James. And then, once they were in proximity with each other all over again, it was like he didn't need to think anymore. He didn't need to fret about overstepping any bounds.
Jorginho didn't need to worry about being anything other than himself. And being who he was to James. Whoever that was at that point.
Though I still had a lot to find out, it filled my throat with a more pleasant lump when Jorginho took the exact spot that Justin had before acquired. And not needing any further encouragement, Jorginho wrapped his ursine arms right around the body of James and pulled him so close to him that when he attempted to snivel tears, he mostly instead inhaled the loyalty of Jorginho.
He had given him a million reasons to leave but he was still there. They had been told over and over that their paths were surely destined to always fork. But reasons didn't matter. A seemingly laid out path or even opinions mattered even less.
Jorginho couldn't leave James in his time of need or indeed, for any matter. It was the same with James with him.
And although he wanted to remain rigid in his seat and not have to deal with saying goodbye to him all over again when his footsteps would naturally fade away out his house as they usually did, he couldn't help but crumble.
His son had given him the permission to be a wreck. And now Jorginho was giving him the space to do so.
James might have called Jorginho his sunshine during that time in his life. But no doubt Justin warranted that name too.
"I'm… I'm sorry…" James for some reason murmured thickly against Jorginho as he embraced him and what he was apologizing for, Jorginho did not know. Maybe it was just a habit.
Was he sorry for showing emotion? For the great walls that he built around everyone else turning to smother him before crumbling in front of his eyes? For the fact that they had promised each other no tears when Jorginho moved out but had never been able to deliver?
Quite frankly, Jorginho would never know and Jorginho would never care. All he did in turn was, while his brown eyes felt like a downpour and as if they were mud caught in the rain, pull James even closer so him and slide down so they were sharing the same chair. Sharing the same space. The same heartache. The same closeness, that would surely always prevail.
Jorginho said his words by saying no words at all. In fact, he half met my eye before shutting them and pressing a lingering kiss on the top of James' head, where Justin's chin had been, in the moments that he could feel the wetness of his eyes reaching the skin of his neck.
I knew this was my moment to leave. I had questions. But I didn't need answers. I had seen enough. Part of me wished that I hadn't. But part of me knows that there is no point wishing things to be any other way. Jorginho and James would go on to realize exactly this.
Who is to say Jorginho would have met the love of his life sooner if Jessie, James and Meowth hadn't left Team Rocket? And furthermore, would Jorginho in that universe been the one to quit the organization and leave the three of them heartbroken and – in their own minds – determined to keep away from love?
Whatever it was that made the path need to be a certain way, James and Jorginho found each other over and over.
No doubt was it a weird Christmas that lingered over them. That lingered over Justin and Sammy too, and everybody else who was a part of it. I wouldn't have believed you if you told me that that was the calm before the storm.
A very life-changing New Year awaited us all!
But that's another day. Another story.
Christmases are complicated. But they hold special places in people's hearts even with the messiness. Christmas can be the most wonderful time of the year.
But, to tell you the truth, for all the messiness and the confusion, every day is the most wonderful time of the year with all my friends. And all their tales.
Our tales.
The End.
There you go, thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Oh, I loved writing Justin in this story :D He's usually pretty chill and happy-go-lucky so his sour streak with a bit of a temper was fun for me. One of my favourite things about the scenario of James and Jorginho living together (and yes, experiencing a romance together) is that it paves the path for the future. Justin and Eli are possibly getting closer here, aren't they? And as Pikachu says, New Year brings big things. Those things are Justin and Sammy parting for good and Justin getting back with Eli. This story has a lot of my heart put into it and mainly for the dynamic between Justin and James. I related heavily to Justin suddenly seeing his dad differently, and holding space for him. This story, as much as anything else, tells of that shift when you see your parents as people - flawed people - rather than your caregiver. Justin doesn't dislike Jorginho. But he's one of the few people who know of his dad's true feelings for him. And it's something he struggles to get his head around. I'm sure that will be explored soon enough! But for now, thanks again for reading - and next week's one is more filled with Christmas cheer! See you then :P
Amy signing out!