You Were Made From Scars

Summary: Buddie fic. Established relationship. Tragedy strikes the 118, and they are forced to bury one of their own. Eddie struggles to deal with the grief but fate brings him across the path of someone, suffering memory loss, who looks a little too much like Buck. Can his heart take the possibility of losing Buck twice?

Disclaimer: I do not own 9-1-1 or anything associated with the show.

Author Notes: Thank you for reading!

Set after season 6.

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Chapter 10

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Heart hammering in his chest, Buck couldn't look away from the deep brown of Eddie's eyes. He swallowed hard, sure he had heard wrong at first, but the gentle touch of Eddie's fingers wrapped around his wrist held him captured, hopeful and wishing. For the first time since getting back, since being reunited with his family, he truly felt home. Spending the day with Christopher and Eddie had felt so natural, and standing there, right now, lost in Eddie's gaze, he was almost afraid to think that maybe, just maybe… he had found his place. The one where he belonged.

"Eddie," he breathed out, but he was interrupted almost immediately, Eddie cutting over him, fingers tightening on Buck in a way that screamed desperation. But it wasn't once painful or too firm that Buck couldn't have pulled away if he wanted to, but he didn't.

"I have been such an idiot, and I don't even know where to start to apologise." The words tumbled from Eddie's lips, tears shimmering in his eyes. "You… you needed me and I pushed you away. I was so lost in my own head, my own feelings, being so afraid of the thought of losing you again and I couldn't see what I was doing. I kept telling myself that I was doing it for you and for Christopher. I thought, I thought… I don't even know what I thought. I was selfish, and I couldn't stand the thought of you not wanting to be with me, so I didn't even give you the chance… I didn't give you the choice. Bobby was right, and Hen, and everyone…"

Buck cleared his throat, gaze dropping and Adam's apple bobbing as he slowly pulled himself from Eddie's grip. Pain flashed across Eddie's features, and Buck was sure he saw Eddie's breath hitch, his hand still lingering in the air where Buck's wrist had been. Buck dug into his pocket and pulled a folded-up napkin free. He looked down at it a moment before finally speaking.

"I lied…. earlier," he confessed. "Back at the diner when I said I forgot my phone. That's not why I went back inside."

He held the napkin up, unfolding it to reveal the liquorice pieces inside. The waitress had refused to take any money from him when he asked, her smile soft and eyes lighting up as he explained. She had offered to give him a bag full, but he had declined. It had to be this, because this felt familiar, it felt right.

"Buck…"

"I know it's not much," Buck continued. "It's not even anything really. No, it's stupid…it's-"

"Perfect," Eddie interrupted, taking the napkin and liquorice, smile playing on his lips. He held onto it for moment longer before putting it down on a nearby table and turning to Buck once more, hand reaching out but falling short. "I'm sorry, Buck. I… I let you down."

Buck caught Eddie's hand before it could drop back to his side, intertwining their fingers and holding it up between them.

"You were wrong, by the way," Buck said, only continuing when Eddie tilted his head slightly in confusion. "I can't remember the things we did or what we've been through, but I remember this. I remember us. I might not be your Buck, the one from before all of this, but this feeling… I don't think I could ever forget this."

Eddie shook his head, his spare hand moving up to Buck's cheek, and Buck instinctively leaned into the touch. "Memory or not, you are Buck. Nothing could take that away from you. Today proved it more than ever that you are still the same Buck. My Buck… You don't have to be anything other than who you are right now, for anyone. So, please, stay. I will do whatever I have to, to make it up to you."

"There is something you could do."

"What is it?"

Buck smiled, small and coy. "Kiss me?"

Eddie's smile mimicked Buck's, his tongue playing at the tip of his canine a moment as his eyes travelled to Buck's lips. Unlike the kiss in the bathroom at the bar, which was desperate and rough and needy in so many ways, this was one was gentle and cautious, and Eddie made sure to take his time before deepening it, his hands warm on Buck's neck. Buck couldn't help the small moan that slipped out, answering Eddie with just as much strength. The roughness of Eddie's stubble scratched at his skin and Buck lowered his hands to Eddie's hips and waist, searching for the bottom of his shirt.

When he found it, and his knuckles brushed against the skin of Eddie's abdomen, Eddie pulled back just enough to meet his eyes, breath hot against Buck. "You don't have to do this. You don't have to prove anything, if that's what this is."

"I want this," Buck confirmed, searching Eddie's eyes. "I want you."

Eddie didn't need to be told twice it seemed, reaching down to pull his shirt free and allowing it to drop to the floor before moving in to kiss Buck once more. But before they could get much further, the vibration of Buck's phone followed by the ringtone calling out from his jean's pocket had Eddie cursing under his breath and Buck could all but feel the blush forming across his cheeks.

Missing Eddie's touch already, Buck took a step back to pull his phone out and looked at the screen. "It's Bobby, I should probably-"

Eddie pulled the phone from his grip, answering it and holding it to his ear as his attention remained on Buck. "He's home, Bobby, and he's safe. He'll call you in the morning."

"-answer it…" Buck finished, watching as Eddie barely even looked behind him as he tossed the phone onto the couch before turning to look at Buck once more. Buck swallowed hard at the look in his eyes, the want and desire that was a perfect companion to his own.

Eddie closed the gap between them once more, that gaze of his so intense that Buck swore he was melting.

"Home?" Buck questioned, trying to aim for teasing as he questioned Eddie's words, but even he could hear the way his voice broke around that one simple word.

Eddie hooked his fingers into the waistband of Buck's jeans, pulling his closer, his breath warm against Buck's mouth as he spoke.

"Home," Eddie confirmed, and that was all Buck needed to hear.

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When Buck woke in the morning, it was to voices arguing from elsewhere in the house in a way that suggested they were trying, and very much failing, to be quiet. Buck frowned and pulled himself from the bed, quickly getting dressed before leaving the room and following the sounds of the voices, of Eddie and Chris, toward the kitchen.

"You're doing it wrong!" Chris whined. "The flour comes last."

"I'm pretty sure the order doesn't matter," Eddie tried to argue, but his words were met by an extremely irritated groan that could only be made by a grumpy teenager.

Buck came to rest against the side of the fridge, looking into the mess of the kitchen, flour covering most of the surfaces and broken eggshells here and there. Eddie and Chris had their backs to him as they seemed to fight over the bowl on the counter.

"Can I help?" Buck asked, amused and unable to keep the smile from his lips.

"Buck!" Christopher called, any sullen darkness on his face disappearing behind the bright smile he aimed at Buck. "We're making you waffles."

"At least we're trying to," Eddie added, running a hand up and through his hair, seemingly oblivious to the trail of flour said hand left in its wake. "But apparently I'm making them wrong."

"That's because you are," Chris answered, and he let go of a heavy sigh, crossing the small gap to the island in the centre of the kitchen and coming to a stop by a piece of paper that wasn't completely covered in flour, but also was far from clean. "You missed the second step."

Buck cleared his throat a little and pushed forward, joining Christopher at the island and looking down at the recipe. It was handwritten, and had parts scribbled out and amended, with little notes like 'needs more butter' written here and there. He raised an eyebrow and looked between them. "You couldn't choose something easier? Like bacon?"

"The bacon was going to go on top of the waffles." Eddie scratched absently at his jawline, looking sheepish.

Buck snorted and took another look at the mess surrounding them, nodding as he made up his mind and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. "Well, we might as well finish what we started."

They spent the next hour bumping into each other and leaning over one another, relishing each small touch, eyes meeting every so often and lingering as their smiles said more than words could. By the end of it, they were all covered in flour, and Christopher was exhausted with the pair of them, but they had three plates of waffles and bacon.

"These are really good," Buck said, brow furrowing as he savoured the taste. "Whose recipe is that? Bobby's?"

"Yours," Eddie answered, smile soft and proud, Christopher giggling next to him.

Buck swore he felt his heart swell inside his chest, and he knew that if this was how he started each morning, he could get through this. Even amongst the chaos and the mess, the love was clear, palpable even, and he wanted more of this for as long as he could have it.

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Eddie had meant it when he said Buck was home, and he wasn't the only one. Eddie felt home too. For the first time in a long time, he felt like himself again. It wasn't exactly like it was, but it was them, and they fit together so perfectly. Buck slipped into Eddie's and Christopher's lives just as easily as he had done the first time, as if it was exactly where he was meant to be. Which, Eddie figured, was probably because it was true – Buck was exactly where he was meant to be.

With one exception…

He wasn't back on the 118. Not yet anyway. He still needed to be reinstated, but they were working on that. In the meantime, they continued to see Dr Trent, and Buck continued to join them at the firehouse and had even started joining them on calls too. He wasn't allowed to really do anything until everything was official, but it was progress, and Eddie couldn't help the small smiles that spread across his lips at the sight of Buck being in the fire truck again. He didn't even mind the teasing and was happy to be the butt of many jokes, because yes, he had been an idiot, but he was Buck's idiot and Buck was his.

On that particular day, they had been called out to an accident near one of the dams. Some teenagers had gotten themselves stuck and needed rescuing. Nothing serious, a relatively simple call for them – quick and easy. They had to shout to each other over the sound of the rushing water from the dam as they looked over the teenagers and Bobby put a plan in motion for them to follow.

Eddie didn't think anything of it at first, the noise, the way Buck hung back slightly, but as he went to take another step forward, he found himself coming to a stop and turning to look at Buck. Buck was frozen in place, his gaze distant, glazed over, a small tremor settling into his hand that hung loosely by his side. That was when Eddie noticed the quickened and uneasy breaths.

The water… It was the first time they had been anywhere near large amounts of water since Buck had gotten back.

"Bobby," Eddie called, looking over his shoulder briefly, already making his way to Buck.

Bobby met his gaze, and nodded as he took Buck in. "Go, take care of him. We've got this."

Immediately, Eddie was guiding Buck away from the deafening sound of the water and back toward the truck, talking to him every step of the way, reminding him he was there, following the guide Frank had given him for his own panic attacks. By the time they reached the truck, Buck was slightly more responsive, and Eddie lowered him into a sitting position before dropping to his knees in front of Buck.

Buck met his eyes, and Eddie continued drawing small circles on Buck's open palm until the panic had all but faded. He waited until Buck's breathing had returned to normal before pushing up and taking a seat next to him, but he didn't let go of Buck's palm, continuing to lazily trace patterns across Buck's skin with his fingertips.

"I'm sorry," Buck said, finally, after a long silence.

Eddie shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He gave Buck another moment before speaking again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Buck hesitated, shifting slightly, before clearing his throat. "I have these nightmares, about water and drowning. I haven't had one in a while, and I thought that meant I was getting better. Guess I was wrong."

"You've been through a lot, Buck. Even if you don't remember it, your subconscious knows."

Eddie already knew that Buck had been found washed up on a riverbank, and after hearing Bobby and Athena's theory of him being dumped over and into the water, he wasn't surprised that Buck's mind was still traumatised by the experience. Coupled with everything else he had been through, including the tsunami, it was a wonder Buck was still standing most days, and that was before all of this.

"Buck," Eddie said, placing his hand on the side of Buck's face and forcing blue eyes to meet his, "you are one of the strongest and bravest people I know."

"I don't feel it," was Buck's answer, the younger man looking so lost in that moment.

"Yeah, well, you're not the one who passed out in a suit store because you're afraid of relationships." Eddie tried for a grin but didn't quite make it, the pad of his thumb gently stroking Buck's cheekbone.

Buck narrowed his eyes a little. "You didn't…"

Eddie nodded. "I did. Before we started dating, there was Ana – who was great. But she wasn't the one for me. It was horrible. I felt like I was having a heart attack."

"What happened?"

"Panic attack…" Eddie shrugged, letting go of a sigh. "Turns out that I'm not exactly great with communication in relationships."

Buck's head fell forward a little and he laughed, his light chuckle bringing a smile to Eddie's face.

"And turns out, I don't always know what's best for me. Even when it's staring me right in the face." Eddie ducked his head to meet Buck's gaze again. "But lucky for me, you're stubborn and you never give up, and that's how I know that you'll beat this."

"And if I don't?"

"Well, you still got me."

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A/N: More to come...