Dead Days
Chapter Six
Acceptance
Hi guys! This update is a day early this week. Tomorrow is the Super Bowl and I'm probably going to be busy with family. I'm not a huge football fan but there's no way I'm missing a celebration with my family. So, I don't see myself having time to get anything like this done tomorrow.
I hope you all enjoy!
"Will you give me a sign?
Will you make me, make me believe?"
-Make me believe by The EverLove
In the end, Remington got just enough sleep that she was functional the next morning. Between waking Merle up, and checking in on Rick, Remington ended up getting less sleep than she had planned, but she felt secure in the knowledge that both men had made it through the night.
The sun hadn't even risen yet by the time Remington dragged herself from the bed. She remembered mornings before the apocalypse and how she had never wanted to get up before the sun. If she was being entirely honest, she never tried to get up before eight. Now, however, she seemed to wake up at the crack of dawn naturally as sleep only ever came easy to her when she felt safe. That was hard to come by these days. Even being surrounded by people she trusted.
Peeling herself from the small child who had latched onto her sometime in the wee hours of the morning Remington slid from the bed. Maisie huffed in her sleep as if she were disappointed in the lack of warmth, before turning and snuggling into the next easiest source she could find, Merle.
Changing from the clothes Maggie had loaned her, regrettably going back into the stained tank top, Remington left the bathroom, before going back to the bedroom and began to grab the bag she had brought in from the car. Sitting down on the floor she meticulously searched through it, making sure she knew what she had, cataloging it once again into her mind for the ride back to the cabin. Remington had no plans of stopping for anything on the way back, but she liked to be prepared for any surprises.
Standing up she tossed the bag over her back before walking quietly over to where Merle slept. Crouching down she lightly shakes him, whispering in his ear, trying to wake him up.
"Merle," she said softly. "I'm heading out."
"Hm," he grunted, starting to roll over, before hesitating at the feeling of something grabbing a hold of him. His eyes flutter open, landing on Remington kneeling next to him, before drifting over toward the little girl. "Yah leavin'?"
"Yeah, I need to start heading out. The sooner I get there the better the possibility I've made it before they send a group out."
"Yah." He sighed, shifting a little as he started to wake up. "Go git our people. Come back safe."
"Of course," she said, before leaning over Merle to kiss Maisie's head softly. She pulled back, hesitating, before squeezing Merle's hand.
"I'll keep an eye on the ankle biter."
"Thanks." She squeezed his hand one more time before letting go. "You three should be safe here. These are good people."
"Yah sure 'bout tat?"
"Yes."
She did believe that. Otherwise, she would never think about leaving her daughter here with two men who were in no state to be protecting her.
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Remington flew down the streets that led her back to the cabin. She relied on the map, in the beginning, not recognizing where she was at all, but Merle had pointed out the route they had taken. She was able to follow it until the path began to look familiar, and she felt more confident in her ability to find the others. She only slowed when entering the long, twisting, pathway that led to the small clearing. Their heads turned as they heard the motor, and they began to gather upon spotting the familiar car. She parked, and got out, before allowing Pixel to dart from the car next. He yipped excitedly moving to sniff at those they had left behind before dancing around with Nala, who had been left in Shane and Landon's care.
Excited murmurs at having them back began to quiet as only one person exited the car. Lori pushed her way through. An expression of horror and anger mixed as she silently took in the lack of seeing her husband.
Shane and Daryl stepped through the crowd next.
"What happened!?" Lori demanded, her voice growing shrill, causing Remington to flinch. "Where is Rick?"
"There was an incident," Remington began, trying to ease the growing panic in those around her. "Rick was hurt, and so was Merle, but they're in the care of a doctor. Someone that I trust to leave them in his care."
"So, you know him?" Lori demanded. She took a step forward, moving to crowd into Remi's space, only to have Shane step between them.
"Back off, Lori," Shane said, coming between them. "Let her talk."
"I trust him." Remington eyed Lori, daring her to start a fight at that moment, as she gently guided Shane out of the way. "Hershel, the man who's helping, who owns the farm, has agreed to allow us to stay while they heal. It's safe. We should get ready and head that way."
"What happened?" Lori yelled. "What happened to my husband? You were supposed to be in charge. Right? How could you let something happen to the people you're supposed to be watching, and come back completely unscathed? You're covered in blood, Remington, and yet it's not your own."
"Yah heard her," Shane called out. "Gather up what we have and let's go." He turned to Lori, narrowing his eyes at her. "Calm down."
Remington sagged as everyone began to move, away from her, no longer staring at her. Lori stared wide-eyed, refusing to move.
"Your husband needs you right now," Remington said, trying to keep a fight from happening. "We should get you there as soon as possible."
She could see the fight that the older woman wanted to pick, but, fortunately, listened to what Shane and herself had said and began to lead Carl away. That would not be the last time she dealt with Lori today. Remington could just feel it.
Remington's eye caught Landon's, who hadn't moved away with all the others and was waiting patiently for the adults to finish talking. She moved to stand in front of him. Her arms moved to wrap around the boy as she pulled him in for a hug.
"You doing, okay?" she asked, as she hugged him tightly.
"Yeah. Shane watched after me." He smiled brightly up at her. "He taught me lots about knots while you were gone." He hesitated, glancing around as if it hadn't been the first time, he had done it.
"That's good bud," she said. "Is something wrong?"
"Is Maisie, okay?" Remington knelt so that they were at eye level with one another.
"Of course. She's doing just fine. I left her with Merle." Ruffling his hair Remington rocked back on her heel as she stood up. "We'll be back with her soon. Why don't you go grab your bag and get in my car, all right?"
"All right." He smiled hesitantly before moving back toward the cabin to do what he was told to. Remington watched after him, biting her lip, as she began to move toward the back of the cabin. Her hands had begun to shake again. Lori had been right. She had been in charge, and was supposed to keep an eye on them, and make sure nothing happened. Rick had lost a hand, and Merle had gotten hurt. It was all her fault that any of it had happened. She hadn't been paying close enough attention to the situation. Allowed herself to get separated from the others. Hadn't she harped often enough to stay close to one another?
Shane shook his head at Daryl, telling him he'd handle it, as he followed Remington.
She heard the footsteps behind her. Breathing in a shuddering breath Remington tried to pull herself together before she stopped walking and leaned against the wall of the cabin. Her head was tilted toward the ground, she knew who it was before he announced himself.
"What happened out there?" Shane asked, moving to stand in front of her. Remington shook her head, ignoring the fact that she had been forced to re-wear the blood-covered tank top. Everyone had seen it, but other than Lori, no one wanted to notice it. "Come on, Rem." He reached forward, gently gripping her chin, to guide her gaze up to him. "Talk to me."
"I-I did it, Shane," Remington whispered. She stared into his eyes, leaning into his touch, as she tried to keep from shaking.
"Did what, sweetheart?" Shane asked, lowering his voice to match hers. "I'm sure whatever it was it'll be all right." Remington began to shake her head, forcing his grip from her chin as she leaned back against the wall. Her eyes closed as she calmly tried to steady her breathing. She was all right. Rick was going to be all right. Merle would be fine. It hadn't been her fault. She had done the best she could.
"I cut off his hand."
Shane blinked, looking confused, as he shuffled in place, debating how she would react if he moved closer. He wanted to reach out to comfort her, but refrained from doing so, as he didn't know how she would take it in this state.
"Whatcha mean, darling?"
"R-Rick. He got bit. I cut off his hand to keep the infection from spreading." She began to shake her head again. It was as if she was trying to shake the memory from her head. "I cut off his hand." She took another deep breath trying to keep from panicking. "I cut off his hand, and Lori, she's never gonna let me forget that. Oh, God, Shane. What if he doesn't forgive me? I stopped us on that stretch of road. I knew it might not be safe. I knew it."
"Hey, whoa," he whispered, as his hands came out, catching her before she could start to pace. "Calm down." He drew her in close. "It's gonna be okay." He whispered comforting words into her ear as he tried to calm her down enough to keep her from panicking. Tugging her closer he tucked her into his chest, resting his chin atop her head before he began to rub her back.
"I shouldn't be acting like this," she sniffled, forcing the tears from her eyes, as she willed them to dry up before they could fall.
"Yah can act in any way you want," Shane soothed. "It's not good to bottle it all up."
"Are you the therapist now?"
"Naw, you've just been rubbing off on me." He chuckled lightly. His hands continued to rub up and down her back. Hesitantly she wrapped her arms around him. "I'm gonna need my therapist back. Rick's gonna understand. He'll know you did it and it was the only way you knew how to save him. A bite is a death sentence, but he's alive."
"He saved Merle. All I can think about is what would have happened if it were him instead. Does that make me a terrible person?"
"It wasn't, and Rick's alive. You care about Merle; it doesn't make you a terrible person for worrying about him. You did your best for both men." Remington pulled away from him. She rubbed tiredly at her face as she regained control over the last remains of her emotions.
"We should help get things ready to go. It's best that we get there as soon as we can."
"Don't beat yourself up over this, Remington."
"Thanks, Shane." She reached out, hugging him one last time before pulling away. "I'd like to talk to Daryl right quick."
"No problem. I'll go help the kid." He reached forward, and tugged at a loose strand of hair, before turning away. He walked off, moving toward the front of the cabin, and directed Daryl to head back there, before heading to where Landon was.
Remington was leaning back against the cabin, trying to calm herself down when Daryl's boots stopped in her line of sight.
"Merle he alright?" he asked, as he gazed at her with hidden worry. He was biting on the inside of his cheek, his gaze scorching, as he eyed her over. The blood he decided hadn't been her own, and though he was certain it wasn't Merle's as well, deciding that she would have been more of a mess if it had been, it wasn't any less concerning.
"He's going to be fine."
"Then why'a lookin' like that?" He shifted his weight as a sign of how he had started to grow uncomfortable.
"I-it was supposed to be Merle." Her voice came out breathless as she spits it out. She was looking for someone to damn her for her actions, but Daryl, he wasn't going to be that person. "I was going to be too late. It should have been his hand. And I would have been too late."
Daryl frowned. The corners of his lips began to tug down. He shuffled a little closer but didn't reach out. His hand twitched as if he was going to.
"If you're lookin' for someone to damn you it's not gonna be me. Merles alive. It shoulda been him, but it ain't. Don't matter who's the reason for that."
"I've done so much." She glanced up at him, her eyes red, as the tears burned as they built up but refused to fall. "I try to ignore it all. I tell myself I'm just surviving. That this is just how it's gotta be in this new world. I adapt. I always adapt. Yet, I watched the way that Walker went after Merle, saw how close it had come, and the horror of seeing something I had tried to stop play out in front of me. Am I just stopping one thing only to have something more horrible happen in its place? A Grimes still got hurt. Am I just fighting something greater than myself? Am I just putting off the inevitable?"
Remington hadn't been prepared for it. One moment she was pleading with him. Trying to make sense of what was going on in her mind. Wondering why this moment had been the time when she decided to break down. She had been doing so well, keeping it all together, but the first sign of a form of safety, and she collapsed under the weight of it all.
She didn't feel very strong.
Daryl had seen that in her eyes.
He reacted on pure instinct. The way he sprung forward, crowding into her space, and when she tried to look away, he forced her to remain in eye contact.
Remington was strong, but she held old habits, and lingering learned reactions, which didn't fit with the woman Daryl had come to know. He loathed them. Hated to see them in her. He didn't like that she shied away from eye contact, or even, at times from any type of contact. It held hints of what her past was like. What that man of hers had been like.
She was stronger than this.
He knew she was.
"I don't know what yah are talkin' about, but nothing is on you. You've made choices that helped us. Anything that happens after that is not on yah." He reached out, and for the first time he initiated contact, his hands, almost bigger than her face, cupped around her cheeks. He held her gaze as he crowded her against the side of the cabin. "Yah listen ta me, woman. I wasn't there but I know yah did the best that you could. It's not on you."
Remington felt her heart race as his face came inches within her own. She felt the warmth of his fingers soaking into her skin. The automatic reaction of wanting to melt into his touch was only held back by the intense gaze he had locked onto hers.
"You're gonna pull herself together and get these people to that farm. Your gonna listen ta my words and know that you're gonna make it through this and come back stronger." Remi couldn't help but just stare at him in shock and wonder. "Yah got that woman?" She nodded her head. "Say it ta me."
"I'm going to make it through this. I'm strong."
"Good girl." He dropped his hands to squeeze her shoulders before taking an entire step back. Remington pressed her eyes shut as she tried to will the warmth from flooding her cheeks as not-so-pure thoughts flooded her mind. She turned away from Daryl, worried he would see everything she was thinking on her face. Feeling a little shaky she quickly nodded at Daryl before turning tail and running.
That was not something she wanted to get into right now. It wasn't the time. Attraction. Emotions. She had survival to think about. Her family's safety, and the groups, came first. She didn't even want to think about the conflicting emotions she felt over the men in her life. She wasn't sure how to deal with it.
Remington jumped into helping those around her. The quicker they packed up. The quicker they would be on their way.
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Maggie brought in the plate of breakfast for Merle and Maisie. The little girl was sitting on the edge of the bed talking animatedly about a subject from before the fall. Maggie couldn't help the smile that lifted her face as she listened to a child talking about normal things.
"He was my favorite," Maisie explained to Merle as she bounced excitedly on the bed. Merle seemed to wince at the jostling movements but didn't say anything against her doing it. Before he realized Maggie was standing in the doorway there was almost a fondness in his expression that softened the gruff face of the man. Maggie felt like she was seeing a different side of him. "I miss being able to watch it! Momma has my tablet, but we don't have a way to charge it. So, she doesn't let me have it much."
Stepping forward she announced her presence causing the guarded look to spring back up on his face.
"We have electricity here," Maggie announced, as she set down the plates of food. Maisie eagerly moved to pick it up to begin to eat. Merle was slower at it but eventually, he too moved to eat. "We try to conserve it but I'm sure I could charge your tablet up for you."
"Really?!" Maisie asked in excitement as she turned to Merle for confirmation.
"If she says she can," Merle said with a shrug.
"Thank you!" Merle eyed the young woman as Maisie began to praise her. The little girl had been kept busy, sometimes it was hard for her to remember what boredom was, but Merle had seen it spring back up during their time at the CDC. Not much for children to do, and nothing to keep them occupied in the way of being too concerned over their safety to worry about something mundane.
Maggie knew she should have left. She had only been given the task of handing food out to them. They were supposed to take care of them until their group came back. That had been the agreement. Except Maggie couldn't help but be drawn to the little girl whose smile was brighter than anything she had seen since the world stopped making sense.
"I bet it's been kind of boring," Maggie said, turning her attention solely to the little girl. "I've got to go out and take care of the animals. Do you like horses?"
Maisie's smile lit up her whole face. The eggs almost fell off her plate as she spun around fast enough to shift the contents around. Merle reached out, moving to steady her, as the girl forgot to mind her surroundings at the best question she had been asked in days.
"I love horses!" she exclaimed excitedly. "Momo used to have horses! I helped her sometimes. When I was around her." Maisie's excitement seemed to dim as she began to think about her grandma. She didn't have many memories of her, the ones she did have were few and far in between, or hazy from being so young. Her dad had taken them away before Maisie could really make any solid ones with them. She missed her and Pawpaw. She missed the farm. The animals. The horses, and the pigs, and how they had cows, and chickens. There had been cats and dogs. Even goats, though she remembered no one allowed her to get close to them, and their horns. There had been a pond always full of ducks.
It had been a paradise for a small child who loved adventure.
Maisie wished she had spent more time there but understood her momma had only been doing what she thought was best. Maisie had been allowed to stay for one summer before her dad decided he didn't want her to go anymore. That's when Uncle Jack started to come around, until he too, stopped.
"Ask your daddy, but if he agrees to it, I could take you out. You could help me feed the animals and then we could go brush the horses." Maggie glanced over toward Merle who had been silently listening in on the conversation. His expression didn't change from the title Maggie had given him. He wasn't surprised at her trying to figure out the dynamics of what little bit of the group she had seen so far.
He didn't mind the title that was suddenly thrust under his nose. Before, the idea of being a father, to a kid of his own blood, or not, was not something Merle wished to become. He steered clear of children. Of women who wanted children or had them.
Remi had been the first he had ever gotten close to. They had been the only ones to ever wiggle their way into his heart. He cared for her. There was no one moment that came to him, when he had started to accept her into his life, just a mess of memories, and moments. That included the other rugrat Remington had brought into his life. The one who didn't seem to like him much. That's the type of child he was used to, not this strange little girl, who glued herself to his side.
Maisie glanced up, eyes widening, as she dropped her attention from Maggie to Merle, who hadn't said a word against the woman's accusations. She shuffled a little on the bed as she grew uneasy in the unsureness that suddenly flooded her body. Would Merle be upset with that? With what Maggie had said? He didn't seem bothered at all by it, but he was silent. He still hadn't said anything. Maisie wasn't sure what she was supposed to do in this situation.
She began to shake a little, and upon noticing that, Merle motioned for her to come closer. Maisie shot across the bed, burying her head into his side, as he wrapped an arm around her, bringing her in close. Maggie watched this in confusion not sure what she had said to cause such a reaction.
"If yah want yah can go wit her," Merle said. Maisie blinked, glancing up at him, as she curiously wondered why he had yet to say anything about being called her dad.
Did he truly not care?
A spark of hope began to bubble inside of her.
She didn't remember a lot about her dad, but what she did remember wasn't always the nicest. She thought there were vague memories of something nice and sweet, but it always seemed tinted with something else, like darkness on the horizon, as worry and stress ate away at her. Maisie didn't like it. She hadn't liked feeling that way. She hadn't felt that way in such a long time. Merle never made her feel that way.
Maisie remembered how Sophia's dad caused sparks of that familiar sensation to pop up before she would be led away.
Shane never made her feel that way.
Daryl hadn't either, even if he barely spoke to her, always giving off vibes of uncertainty, and uncomfortable. He had never made her feel that way.
She liked them. She enjoyed having them around in her life, and always felt safe in their presence.
"Really?" she asked hesitantly. She tilted her head up gazing hopefully up at him. She wanted more than just a yes to go see the animals, but confirmation that it was okay to feel the way she did.
Was it okay to see Merle as a dad? Was it okay to feel this way about the other two? She wasn't certain, but with the way she continued to look uncertain, and uneasy, Merle had begun to card his fingers through her hair. That soft look entered back into his eyes as he forgot about Maggie sitting there.
Merle didn't feel as if he could trust his instincts when it came to children or parenting. He had always messed up when it came to Daryl growing up. He had made every mistake possible back then.
He couldn't say no and correct Maggie's assumptions. He didn't want to. Not when that little girl was looking at him like that. When he felt the way, he did. That fondness was growing, and he felt that it had only deepened at some point when he wasn't watching. Merle was almost scared to listen to what his heart was telling him to do. Worried that it would lead him to mess up again, he knew that if he messed up, it wouldn't be like when he did it to Daryl. Remington wouldn't forgive him and come crawling back every time he entered the picture again. She'd keep that little girl from him. That little boy.
If he stepped up and did what he wanted, followed that little voice in his head, he had to make sure it stayed in check. That it was always on the right path. He wouldn't get another chance to fuck up. He desired something more for the first time in his life.
He yearned for that familiarity of family.
It was a new sensation for him.
Moving on instinct he decided to do the right thing. He decided to accept those feelings inside them for what they were. He accepted the desire he had when it came to that woman and her children.
"Go on girl," he said, with a smile. "Yah can come back and tell me 'bout 'em. Lord knows I need entertainment bein' stuck in tis room."
"Okay," she said, happily. She made to move away, only to hesitate, hovering near him, before turning around, and kissing his cheek. "I'll tell you all about it!" She scurried off the bed and made to grab Maggie's hand. As they were leaving the room Maisie stopped, turning back to Merle, and smiling sweetly at him. "I love you." Before he could say anything else she scampered off dragging Maggie with her in excitement for the animals.
Merle watched them leave before he fell back into the pillows piled up behind his back. The breath had been knocked out of him at the last words spoken. He stared dumbfounded at the door they escaped through. He hadn't even been able to reply even if he wanted to.
Merle felt something lift off his chest at the realization of what he wanted, and the acceptance that came with that.