Dead Days
Chapter Twelve
To-Do List
I want to apologize for how long this took me to upload. It wasn't due to the fact that it wasn't already written, as I'm still several chapters ahead, but instead a lack of time, and energy on my end. I've been avoiding writing lately because instead I've been spending more time with my family, and then recently my daughter has started her sports. So, for the next several weeks, a portion of my time will be spent going to games and practices. Who knew a five-year-old life could be busier than my own?
With that being said I won't be updating this Sunday as it's her first game and there are a few other things we'll be busy with later this week.
I usually put my all into writing when I feel inspired, which usually ends up with me devoting all my free time and sanity to writing for weeks on end, as it becomes an obsession of sorts. With my inability to be able to focus solely on it, I'd like to warn you all that my updating will be a little slower than normal until the end of April.
I'm sorry if that upsets anyone! I know it saddens me to have to put this kind of thing off, but I promise as soon as I can I will be back to updating once a week! And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get so far ahead that I can update twice a week once more.
Lord have mercy
On the sinners and saints
We lost our way
Lord have mercy
On the sinners and saints
We lost our way
-Sinners and Saints by Andrea Wasse
Remington found herself getting lost in Shane's gaze, her answer right on the tip of her tongue, but her mind still playing catch up to what had just happened.
They wanted her!
All of them.
No one had brought up any arguments, fighting over who she would be with, but had silently stood beside one another, making it known that they wanted her together. She had caught on to that, and so badly wanted to make sure, to force her mouth open, and to let the words flow free because she needed it to be spoken aloud. She needed it so bad that she knew if she said yes right now, to not have it clarified, it would drive her crazy, and make her second guess every action she did toward them.
Shane sent her an encouraging glance, his hands holding hers, as they all allowed her to take her time. They didn't want her to feel pressured and understood it might take a while to come to terms with what they had just said, especially in the state she had been in. They didn't realize how much of a relief this was to her.
She opened her mouth, ready, and just wanting to make it understood, what she wanted, and what they wanted, only for the words to get caught in her throat, as Jackson called out to her.
"Rem, I'm sorry to interrupt but I need you out here. Hershel wants to talk to you, and I need to know if we're still heading out."
Remington froze, her mouth closing, as she bit her lip, suddenly feeling anxious over the whole idea now that her brother had caused her to feel like ice-cold water was just poured onto her.
Shane noticed this, as he was the only one able to look directly at her face and leaned forward until their foreheads touched. Lovingly his hand came up to run through her hair.
"We'll talk about it later," he assured her. "Let you think about it."
He wanted to brush his lips against hers once more, just one more time before he let her go and did just that. He wanted her to have a clear mind, to do what she wanted, and not be swayed by his actions clouding her judgment but couldn't help himself. He kept it brief. There would be time for it later if she chose them, knew by that look in her eyes that she would, and he'd make sure he got his fill of her.
He was certain the others felt the same way.
He pulled away. She began to chase back after his lips before stopping herself. Remington wished he hadn't.
She wished Jackson hadn't said anything, but she knew she was already behind on the day's events. She had plans for today. A breakdown couldn't fit in any more than it already had. She needed to get a grip.
She felt Merle kiss the back of her head, and Daryl hesitated, glancing down at her, before swiftly kissing her temple before they ducked out to give her privacy to change.
Remi was quick to pull out a change of clothes to wear as she slid on the hole-filled pair of jeans that she had left clean, she would need to deal with that later, and a short-sleeved black T-shirt, that use to cling to her, but now was almost too big. She shoved her feet into the boots that lay in waiting for her right outside the tent before pulling herself up and out of it.
Jackson was standing there, waiting for her, Merle hovering close by, while she could see Daryl and Shane off by the campfire with the kids.
"What did yah mean by going out today?" Merle asked, his eyes questioning Remington. She sighed, trying to fix her hair by combing her fingers through it, before giving up and throwing it into a bun at the top of her head.
"Jackson and I are going out," she said, feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. She should have mentioned it before but knew the three of them would be worried, and demand that one of them came with her. Remington couldn't let that happen yet. She and Jackson would be talking about the show, trying to find signs of that group, and she hadn't explained to any of them where she came from. She didn't think they would believe her. It wasn't the right time yet. "We've got a lead on something."
"Something, huh." Merle didn't look happy, and Remi realized she was being too vague.
"He spotted signs of a group," she said, knowing she needed to let him know what was going on. He didn't need to know that Jackson hadn't spotted such a thing and that it was more like her foreknowledge, but it wasn't an exact out lie either, so she felt better by saying it. "We're going to go out, just me and him, to check it out."
"No." Merle shook his head. "Yah shouldn' be goin' out nowhere. Yah don' know what type of group tat could be. What if they ain't the friendly type."
"I'll have Jackson with me. I'm more than capable of taking someone down if need be. It's too dangerous to take a larger group. We can get around without being seen easier."
Remington could see the worry in his eyes. The only reason he was fighting her on this. It didn't come from a place of control, but genuine fear for her safety. Remi felt herself soften, seeing this, as she bit her lip, struggling to ease his mind, but not sure if her actions would be appropriate. Then she remembered that kiss from before, and she found herself surging forward in embarrassment as she moved to just kiss his cheek, faltering in the action of what she really wanted to do instead.
Only Merle moved at the last second, barely twisting, preparing to talk her into letting him go when her lips met his. It caused the words to be swallowed back down as he felt her freeze in surprise. Deflating, knowing he needed to trust in her, and that he would do whatever she asked, Merle wrapped his arms around her, dragging her closer to him, before deepening the kiss. If he was going to ignore the warning bells going off in his head and watch as she went off with her brother, then he was going to pour every ounce of what he felt into this kiss. Accidental or not, Merle wanted her to know that any kiss between them was never by mistake.
It had the added benefit of telling the camp who's she was. Merle was not a shy man when it came to displays of affection, and by the way she melted into his arms, she wasn't overly worried about it herself. Either that or caught up in the moment. He figured he would need to sort this out with her later.
For now, he engulfed himself entirely in her.
He nipped at her bottom lip, tugging it gently between his teeth, as he asked for entrance. Remington gasped, parting her lips, and he wasted no time in tasting her, exploring, as he coaxed her into a battle of control. It amused him greatly when she didn't back down. How she stood toe to toe with him, even during the act of kissing. He felt the beginning of his body reacting, growing excited, at the dance they were doing. Merle lost himself in the sensations that were building inside of himself. His hand drifted up, burying the digits into her hair, lightly tugging her head back, as he began to pepper kisses down toward her neck, only for someone to clear their throat.
Jackson was still there.
He pulled back, letting her breathe, as her eyes widened in embarrassment, pupils blown with desire, as she realized she had just started making out with Merle in front of her brother. A part of her wanted to shrink back, to hide away, like she would have if this had been with Eli, but a bigger, louder, part of her didn't mind. She had gotten swept up in Merle, and that was okay, she had liked it and wanted more of it, but she took a hold of her hormones as she reigned them in.
"Yah just be safe."
Remington felt as his words surrounded her. He trusted her. Merle was stepping back telling her silently that he knew she could take care of herself. He wasn't trying to control her actions. Not like Eli would have. She wrapped her arms around him just then, before he could completely let her go, and hugged him tight. Remi couldn't express how that made her feel. Even before Eli had started to change, he hadn't been able to give her that kind of control. Remington just never realized it then.
The fact that this man in front of her could do that, to show her that kind of trust, and acceptance, made her want to hold on tight, and never let go.
"Thank you," she whispered to him. "I won't be reckless. We'll do this right. I promise."
"Yah better." He pulled back, sensing her brother's growing impatience, but couldn't help the little bit of defiance in him as he pecked the top of her head, holding onto her for a second longer, before smirking at Jackson. "All yers. Bring her back in one piece, yah hear."
Jackson rolled his eyes, feeling as if Merle was going to get on his nerves quite a bit, before he nodded. It wasn't like he was going to allow anything to happen to his sister out there. He'd spent her whole life protecting her, and even though he knew he had failed with Eli, Jackson had fucking tried.
"I'll go talk to Hershel right quick, tell the others the plan, and make sure everyone knows where they stand for the day."
"Yah want any groups goin' out taday?" Merle asked, before she could walk away.
"Three people should go out," she decided after a moment of thinking. "You should take two others and go searching for a place. Something tells me Hershel just wants to remind me about our deal. Everyone else should stay here and do their normal tasks."
Merle nodded and with that Remington rushed off toward the farmhouse.
┈┈┈┈․° °․┈┈┈┈
Remington hadn't been wrong in thinking that Hershel had wanted to remind her about their deal. He had allowed Rick to leave the house, to go out to be with his family, and the group, and that in a few short days, they should be ready to leave. That he felt confident their two members would be in good shape by then.
It frustrated her.
That time limit was closing in and they still hadn't found a worthy enough place.
She could feel that trying to suffocate her, but Remington knew it wasn't only that, she had multiple tasks bearing weight down on her. There was so much more that she needed to get finished before she could head out with Jackson. The group still needed to be assigned jobs for the day, though she'd allow Merle to decide whom he wanted coming with him, and Remi was furious with the thought that Rick and Shane still hadn't been told about the pregnancy.
Her time was up.
Remi had been more than generous with Lori, and it was obvious she wasn't going to mention anything. It had been made perfectly blatant to Remington when Rick had no clue about his son wandering off by himself. Lori would drown herself in secrets, but this is one that she wouldn't be allowed to keep.
She wasn't going to allow herself to feel guilty about the potential role she would be playing in the destruction of a marriage. She would have if she hadn't warned Lori.
If anything, Lori had made an enemy out of Remi, and she wasn't going to like her. This was so going to destroy any chance of having no animosity between the two, but Remi found that she preferred Shane's sanity, and happiness, over that woman any day. Not that it had been a hard decision to make. Allowing Rick to have the knowledge he deserved, and the ability to make a decision for his own happiness was also a preferred idea over a friendship with Lori.
Setting off toward the others Remi searched the faces of those around her for Shane. She found him easily enough, talking with Glenn, as she strode toward the complete crowd of her people. Even Rick was there, finishing his breakfast, struggling one-handed and Remi realized this was the perfect moment to assign people their jobs and get out another secret that's been eating her alive. Eyes settled on her as she entered the group, snatching up a plate, grabbing a peach, before cutting it into small pieces to eat, and then grabbing a few other finger foods to adjourn the plate. She then swooped in, trading Rick plates, responding with an "oh, great, I was wanting eggs," as she was not able to handle watching him struggle with a fork and runny eggs, as he tried balancing the paper plate on his knees and eating with one hand. The flimsy plate kept trying to cave, and Lori, sitting right next to him, seemed to struggle with what to do to help him, and not embarrass him. Remi understood not wanting to upset him, but she also believed in people needing help, and so did it in a way that no one would linger on him.
It made Remi want to roll her eyes, wondering why no one had thought to just give him finger foods in the first place until he had grown used to dealing with being one-handed.
Not wanting to bring attention to what she had just done, no more than she already did, Remi made to stand by the R.V. as she waved to gain complete attention on her. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw the grateful look on Rick's face as he began to pick up the easy-to-handle food, and the burning glare of Lori.
"I'm heading out with Jackson today," she began quickly. "We're going after a lead, and so I'm wanting most of everyone to stay here. Everyone knows who's on watch when, and what we need help with around here. You've all been given tasks already. Merle's gonna take two others out with him, he's gonna decide on who, but I want us all on the same page." She turned to Shane here. "Were you able to grab everything useful from the highway?"
"That snare went about a mile down the road," Shane said. "We got everything useful."
"Bunch of clothes we need to go through and see if anyone can use and what to get rid of," Andrea added. Remington nodded, knowing a lot of it would probably just be put away, just in case, as Remi didn't want to get rid of anything. It would take up more space, but eventually, they would have a safe haven, someplace to bring more people into, and not all of those people were going to have clothes other than what was on their backs. It would be useful to keep.
"Good." Remi felt as if they were getting closer every day to having an actual chance at surviving if, by some horrible chance, they were told to leave before Remi could get a handle on Hershel. She was really going to try to keep that from happening. She actually had another plan set in motion for that but hated knowing that she was using her daughter's cuteness, and special ability to wiggle her way into people's hearts.
It had come to her when Maisie mentioned wanting to ask Hershel to teach her how to care for animals just in case something was to happen to Pixel or Nala. Remi didn't think the four-year-old would be able to learn much that could actually help, but the knowledge was good to have regardless, and honestly, if anyone was determined to learn something like that, it would be Maisie. It was just yet another thing she needed to set up for before she left.
It was only mid-morning, and she was already feeling exhausted.
"Who's all going on this run?" Jacqui asked, speaking up for the first time in a while. Remi had been worried about her. She had been quiet, doing what was asked of her, but not reaching out, and connecting with those around her like she once had at the quarry. Remington worried she would decide that suicide was her only option in this timeline as well, but it never seemed to come, instead, she had begun to talk with Jenner more, and though that didn't exactly make Remi feel better, it didn't have warning bells going off in her head either. The two seemed to be growing some kind of friendship between them.
She tried reminding herself that it wasn't any of her business, and Jenner wasn't going to go down that same route, not while she held any kind of potential, and didn't peg him as the type to goad anyone into suicide outside of that CDC building.
"Only Jackson and I will be going together for ours," Remi answered, bringing her head back to the question. "It'll be easier to go unnoticed with just the two of us. If Merle has decided whom he wants to go with him then I'll let him announce that." She glanced over toward him, resisting the urge to blush as her mind went back to earlier that morning, something she couldn't help but do when she looked at any of her men. Remi had to force down a smile that threatened to turn her expression into something of crazy glee as she thought of how they were hers. They wanted her.
Remi watched as Merle walked over toward her, plate in hand, as he finished his breakfast. He eyed her, taking in the stressed way she carried herself, as he turned toward the group of people watching them.
He wondered how the hell Remi could stand being in front of everyone like this. All those eyes, it was kind of creepy how much expectations they shoved onto her shoulders, simply because they didn't want to be responsible for the decision-making. He needed to talk to her, and the other two, to help come up with a way to take some of that load off her.
"Gonna take ta Asian and Daryl."
Remington sighed, elbowing him lightly, as she shook her head.
"He's Korean," she corrected. "And his name is Glenn."
"All right, no need ta mean mug me. Glenn ta Korean understood boss." He turned to the man in question. "If that's all right by yah."
"Sure," Glenn said, looking slightly uncertain, but he had noticed the change in Merle recently. It was enough not to make him scowl and think it was a terrible idea, and he was far more comfortable with Daryl, but that didn't say a whole lot. The other Dixon had always been the more mellow and quiet of the two. More than anything Glenn just didn't want to disappoint Remi by saying no. He knew how close she was to the two of them, and after witnessing that kiss between her and Merle, he only suspected that the relationship had gotten closer. He respected her, had found a friend within her, and preferred her as the leader over Rick, or Shane.
"Great. Okay, Merle will let you two know when he's leaving out, I'll make sure you know which part of the grid you'll be searching in today, and please, be careful out there. If anything were to go down while we're all gone Shane will be in charge of making any major decisions. If you are to find any Walkers please abide by Hershel's rules. We do not use guns on his property." She was quite certain that she should add in letting Hershel deal with any of the undead, but she couldn't quite make herself do that.
Remi didn't believe that putting them in the barn was a good choice, but it still wasn't her choice to make.
God, she needed to get a handle on the barn situation.
Mentally she added it to her list of things to get done.
Everyone nodded in agreement, muttering phrases like 'good luck', and 'be careful' as they began to wander off toward their assigned roles. Carol walked up to her before Remi could escape to go grab Shane.
"That was nice what you did for Rick back there," Carol said, smiling kindly.
"We should help by giving him easy choices for the time being. Just until he's used to this new handicap." Remi sighed, her head falling back as she stared up into the sky. "I also need to take him out shooting, make sure that hasn't been affected. Lord knows it'll be a blow to his pride if it did." Carol watched Remi closely as she took in the way she held herself.
"Seems like you've got a lot going on there."
"Yeah. It's a never-ending list that just keeps growing."
"Honey, you're doing the best that you can, but you're just one person. You're pushing yourself too hard." She reached out to take Remi's hand in her own. "You need someone who can help you with all of this. You've got a group that's willing to pitch in. Assign us some tasks that you don't need to do personally."
Remington felt herself deflating at those words. They were true. She didn't need to do everything on her own. Sure, there were a few tasks, like talking with Shane about Lori, the pregnancy, and telling him to talk with Rick that she needed to do on her own. Then the run with her and Jackson, and the barn should be kept on the down low, and God, she needed to tell everyone about the fact that everyone was infected, but there were still things that she could delegate out. She didn't need to take on everything by herself, just a very large portion of the list.
Remington was not known for her ability to ask for help.
"You're right," she said with a nod. "You're completely right. I'll see about having Jackson, or Shane-," if Remi could talk Rick and him into speaking again, "-to take Rick out. I don't really need to be the one to do that."
"That's a good start." Carol pinned her with a look, the one that mothers gave their children when they weren't doing as they were told. Remi couldn't help but laugh a little nervously. She couldn't exactly tell Carol why most of her to-do list was on a need-to-know basis. God, she just needed to get these things done. Deciding that she would do as many as she could before leaving, Remington excused herself from Carol and took off in the same direction Shane had gone off in.
She found him easily. He was speaking to Merle, Daryl, and Glenn, looking over the map as Merle pointed out where they would be at. Remington felt the weight of that decision roll off her shoulders and she silently promised to tell the men how much she appreciated that later on when she wasn't bursting at the seams with responsibilities. She glanced around, noticing how Dale was on top of the R.V. on his watch, and Morgan and Duane were just leaving to walk the perimeter. Good, another thing she could cross off her list.
"Sweet Cheeks," Merle greeted her, a smirk crossing his lips. Remington smiled back, motioning for him to continue. "Just going over where we're heading out to." She glanced down at the map, nodding her approval, as it was in the opposite direction, she and Jackson were traveling in. That was good. "What do yah think?"
"It looks good. Jackson and I will also keep our eyes peeled for a place. The three of you should take Pixel though. Jackson and I won't need him."
She could see that wanting to know shone in each of their eyes, but neither was willing to push her for more information. Remington felt a bout of guilt at not giving the full reason, but there really wasn't more she could say on the topic, they were looking for people, potentially dangerous people. She didn't want to worry them about the tales of what she knew about these men.
If they were lucky, they would never need to deal with them at all. At least that was what this recon mission was all about.
"Yah sure 'bout tat?" Merle asked, frowning down at the dog who stood next to Remington. He'd prefer it if she took him with them, feeling the need to know that she would have that extra layer of protection, but could see the instant her eyes narrowed that she had already set her mind on it.
"Yes. Jackson and I can't move as freely with him. I'd feel better if you took him."
Merle simply nodded, giving out the familiar command that had the dog trotting to his side, as he decided it wasn't worth starting an argument over. She still had Jackson with her, and the man was a weapon in and of itself.
"When are you heading out?" Shane asked, catching the inner debate inside of Merle, but deciding against bringing notice to it.
"Oh. I have a few things I need to get done first." She bit her lip, her stomach rolling over what she was about to speak with him about, as she worried how he would take it. "Actually, can I talk to you in private?" This gained the attention of those around her, but Remi told herself to just focus on Shane. The news he was about to get would not be easy to digest, especially once she told him that Lori wanted to keep him out of the entire process.
"Sure, darling." He turned to the other three. "If you want to head out, go ahead, I know where your gonna be at, still gotta get your, and Jacksons' location though." He had turned his attention back toward Remi toward the end.
"We'll point it out before we leave." Shane nodded, seeing the way she was holding herself, and began to wonder what she could possibly need to tell him that had her so wound up. "You guys stay safe alright?" She directed this toward the three about to leave, lingering on Daryl, and Merle, but she sent a smile toward Glenn as well. Remington wished that one-day things would slow down, and she could go back to building friendships with those around her like she had been able to at the quarry. Remi felt that she wasn't doing much of anything these days toward actually hanging out with people. She missed her conversations with Glenn and honestly wondered if anything had happened yet between him and Maggie.
Remi mentally added catching up with Glenn to her list.
She stepped forward, dragging each of them into a hug, lingering far longer on the first two, not wanting to rush the touch, before hauling Glenn forward and letting him go right after.
Automatically Remi reached out for Shane's hand when the others began to walk away, leaving them to find a more private spot for them to talk, as she allowed the touch to ease her anxiety, and reassure him all at the same time. She could tell Shane wanted to ask what this was about, but he was being patient.
Moving closer to a cluster of trees, far enough away to not be overheard, even if their voices raised, not an issue she thought she would run into, but just to be safe, and still within eyesight, so she could keep an eye on her kids, Remington finally stopped. Shane moved to stand in front of her, their hands still connected, as he waited for her to say something.
"There's something I got to tell you," she started, tilting her head up to look him in the eyes. "You remember the other day when I was talking to Lori after the whole Carl ordeal?"
"Sure," he said, nodding his head. "I remember. You came back pretty pissed." Remi noticed that just the mere mention of Lori's name put Shane on edge. The woman had done a number on him, and that only raised her irritation toward Lori.
"I talked to her about more than just Carl." She watched as his chin jutted out as he began to gnaw on the inside of his cheek. She noticed the way his stance almost seemed to change, almost as if he were physically trying to build something up, to protect himself from the news.
"It got to do with whatever was in your back pocket?"
Remington blinked, surprised that he had noticed anything being there before her brows furrowed, as she tilted her head at him. There was only one way he would have noticed. She had taken the test out of the box, making it easier to hide in her pocket, and unless you were staring for a period of time most wouldn't have caught it.
"Were you staring at my ass?"
For a moment that tight, guarded, expression on his face lifted, amusement peeking through, as he had the sense to look a little sheepish.
"It's a nice ass." He shrugged, squeezing her hands, as he drug her closer, focusing in on her, and seemingly forgetting what she was just about to reveal. "That doesn't bother you, does it?" A hand disengaged from hers, trailing down her waist, to settle on her hip, as he slyly smiled down at her. She felt her cheeks darken as she quickly shook her head.
It didn't bother her at all.
Instead, it seemed to awaken something inside her stomach, a butterfly-like flutter, which threatened to deepen to something more if she allowed this line of thought to continue. Her breath quickened, her eyelashes fluttering, as she bit her lip. His eyes darkened, falling to stare at that lip, as his head began to duck closer to her.
Her hand came up, stopping the action, as she felt disappointment overtaking her, as she realized she needed to refocus, and not be led astray by her hormones.
"Shane, wait," she commanded. "I-I need to talk to you about this, and even though I'd really like to kiss you right now, this is more important." He hesitated, forcing thoughts of what he would rather be doing out of his head, as he tried to focus back on what had been said before.
"Fuck," he shook his head but didn't pull away from her. He feared what she was going to say, knowing that no matter what it would change his life, as he suspected something he had been sure was all in his head. Shane had talked himself out of it, believing he was overthinking it, and that he was wrong. Except with that look in her eye, and how strongly she had stormed back to the farm after Lori that night, Shane knew his first thought may have been right.
"I grabbed a pregnancy test that night Otis and I went to the pharmacy for Rick and Merle. I suspected something going on with Lori." Remington barely breathed as the words flowed freely from her mouth. She decided to go about this like you would with a band-aid. Just ripping it off and soothing the pain after. "Lori's pregnant Shane and I'm fairly confident it's yours." She hadn't been expecting the way he would suddenly pitch forward. It was like his bones had given out from under him, seeking out the closest form of comfort, as his head suddenly buried into her shoulder. The hand on her hip had tightened, shaking lightly, as Remi gripped the hand she still held, tighter. She brought it up, to kiss the knuckles, as she simply held him.
"She wasn't going to tell me." He didn't state it as a question. It was said with finality. As if he expected nothing else from her. His voice was soft, weak as if he spoke any louder it would break. Break him, or what control he still held over it, she wasn't sure, but Remi felt that anger burn up inside of her all over again for what Lori thought she could get away with.
"No."
Remington decided she would be completely honest with him, that she would help pick him back up after, and make sure that Shane was given everything he deserved. She would help him fix his relationship with Rick if that's what he wanted, and she would damn well make sure that Judith knew who Shane was to her.
"Lori told me she didn't plan on telling you about the baby until the rest of the group was told. She was going to make sure Rick thought it was his, that he wouldn't know anything about the affair, and that you wouldn't have any rights to it at all. Obviously, I didn't take that very well."
She scoffed quietly, still not being able to believe Lori's audacity.
"I don't want Lori."
"I know." Remi felt a little confused over the sudden statement. She hadn't suspected Shane of wanting Lori for a long while now. After this morning Remington couldn't deny the fact that it was obvious, he wanted her.
As if Shane could feel that confusion rolling off her, he lifted his head, pitching forward, resting his forehead against hers. Remington could see the hurt, the sorrow, painted across his features, drowning in it, as he slowly came to the realization of what could happen if Lori succeeded.
"I don't want her, but I want that baby. I want to be in its life. I want to be that kids' dad, Remi. To look into its eyes, for it to look back at me, and to just know who I am to it." He closed his eyes, pinching them shut tightly, as Remi suspected he was trying to keep from crying. "I don't care if I've got to share custody with her and Rick. I'll do whatever I gotta."
Her arm came up, the one not holding his hand, to wrap around his shoulders as she brushed her lips over his own.
"That goes without saying." Remington would make certain of it. That was not something she was willing to bend on. "We'll make sure that it happens, Shane. I'll stand behind you the whole time. This may not be a world with the old rules anymore, but we're still civilized people. If I need to, I'll figure out how to get Jenner the things he needs to do a paternity blood test. Whatever you need."
His eyes cracked open, brown meeting amber, and she watched as that curious emotion swam within the depths of his eyes as he stared at her. She couldn't make it out, it wasn't something she had ever seen in another person's gaze when looking at her, it was far too intense to be anything she had ever seen in her family's eyes, but it was similar.
"You don't gotta go that far, Rem."
"I would. For you."
"I'm starting to believe that you can make the impossible happen."
"I'm pretty good at it."
"Thank you. I mean it. This morning I'm kissing you, telling you that I want yah, and here we are, only a few short hours later, talking about how my affair ended in pregnancy. Anyone else would have run away, avoiding the drama, but not you."
"I'm a little different than most other women. Besides Shane, I was already aware of your past with Lori before I started having thoughts of wanting more than friendship with you." Not to mention Remi had already known about Judith and who she was to Shane. She had already known he would be a dad and hadn't cared. There was no running for her.
"You're a goddamn angel."
Remi smiled at him, snuggling closer, as she felt any negative emotions coming from him begin to fade.
"I think you should talk to Rick, Shane." She kissed him again, something short, but soothing, as she focused on his features. She didn't want to upset him but felt that it would be better coming from Shane, and not Remington herself. That was a quick way for Rick to hate and begin to detest both Lori and Shane. That wasn't something Remington wanted to accidentally make happen. "Lori's not going to. It's best to come from one of you, and I think it should be you. You'll tell him the whole truth. It might fix your relationship."
"He's going to hate me."
"Maybe at first." She felt that Rick's first reaction wouldn't be to hug the man, but Remi knew that if Shane went about, it in a calm manner, and wasn't talking about taking over his family, Rick would come around. Then they would be able to build a relationship like the one they used to have. As long as Shane showed him how much he regretted it, and why he had waited so long to tell him. "Take whatever he gives you. Show how much you regret it, and please, whatever you do, don't leave out the reason behind your taking so long to tell him. If he thinks you've been hiding this because maybe you still care for Lori in that way, it's going to end badly. You need to be straightforward with him you didn't tell him because Lori wanted it this way."
Shane sighed. Nodding. She could tell he felt bad for throwing Lori under the bus but understood why it was needed. She wasn't going to do it herself. In a perfect world, she would be going with Shane to explain what had happened. Maybe then both the marriage and friendship could be fixed, but Remi didn't see that happening.
Something was just wrong with Lori.
She was self-destructing her own life with the choices she was making.
"I won't leave until you're done. I'll stick close by, I can be there if you need me to be, even if it's just so you have someone to lean on."
"You're too good to me, darling." His nose brushed against her own. He did it again, in a mock imitation of a kiss, as he kept gazing at her with adoration. "But I'll talk to Rick alone. It should just be me. I won't say no to you waiting around though."
"Then I'll stay. Do you wanna go talk to him now?"
"Supposed." He sighed, his eyes darting to the side, where he spotted Rick and Lori sitting together. "Lori's not gonna let me get him anywhere alone. She knows I've been avoiding him. She'll know what I want to talk to him about."
"You just leave Lori to me. I'll offer it one last time, a chance for her to come clean to Rick, tell her she can do it alongside you. If she still doesn't, well, then, that's on her, Shane, not you." Stepping on her tippy toes Remi pressed her lips against Shane's, firmer than the others, a proper kiss, and not just a brushing of the lips. She wanted him to know how she felt that she would be there, and Remington craved the ability to physically comfort him.
Shane didn't hesitate in responding back in kind. He brought their intertwined fingers to brush them against her cheek as the kiss stayed slow and sweet.
From across the way, Lori noticed the pair, the way they had begun to stand close, and when they kissed, she felt a fury take hold. Remington Solace was screwing everything up for her. She clenched her hands at her side as she glared heatedly at the new couple.
Rick frowned next to her. Noticing the change in his wife, and at first, suspecting Remington to walk over, he did a quick glance around but didn't see her. She was normally what got Lori all fired up. Rick wasn't certain what his wife was holding against the younger woman, but whatever it was, it had dug its way under her skin.
Not seeing Remington close by he couldn't help but continue his search, his gaze following the burning path that would have caught fire under Lori's glare if she had the ability to do so. There it landed on Shane, and Remington kissing, having a private moment that he quickly looked away from. He didn't find himself surprised by this development.
No, what he found surprising was the heat in which Lori scowled at them, and not for the first time, did Rick feel as if pieces were joining the slowly forming puzzle of why his wife and best friend had been acting strange.
It didn't settle well in his gut. That sick feeling flared alive once more.
┈┈┈┈․° °․┈┈┈┈
Shane could feel Remi's presence behind him, walking close enough that he could feel her continued support. He could feel his muscles tense the closer they got to Rick. Whatever ease he had gained from her kiss had faded away on the trip across the yard. Shane had put this off for far too long, it had been eating him up inside, and finally, he was going to let it out. He felt terrible at the knowledge that this was going to ruin his best friend's life, and he got comfort from the knowledge that it would no longer be eating him from the inside out. That did nothing for the way his muscles protested every step forward he took.
A hand pressed against his shoulder blades, a simple brushing over his back, but it was enough to bring forward a rush of not being alone, that she was still there, and would be there for him after everything was all said and done.
He felt as if that touch drug out some of his anxiety. Shane forced himself to keep walking, to not stop, but he did reach out grabbing at her hand, to keep that connection going. This wasn't exactly anything new in their relationship, they had held hands plenty of times before, but it would seem people had caught onto the change in their dynamic. Kissing her out in the open may have been the cause for that, but Shane felt the happiness in him build when she had been the one to initiate it, completely out in the open like that. She wasn't going to try to hide him, to hide any of them.
It made him feel something catch in his chest as it swelled and rushed forward. He gripped her hand firmer, fingers intertwining, as he took in the last few moments of touch before he'd have to let her go.
They came to a stop in front of Rick and Lori, Remington smiling softly, trying to ease the tension from Shane, as Shane felt his frown deepening.
He needed to do this.
Shane wanted to be with Remi. He wanted to start this relationship on all the right notes, and having Lori as some kind of secret, to keep what they did to themselves, made him feel like he was doing it for all the wrong reasons. He didn't want Lori. He didn't want anyone to believe that, least of all Remi, or the other two. He knew Merle and Daryl would beat the stupid out of him if they ever thought that. He knew Remi understood, didn't believe he still had feelings for Lori and had seen the truth of confusion in those eyes when he had brought it up to her, but that didn't change anything. He wanted to prove this to Remington.
He wanted his relationship back with Rick. It didn't matter how long it would take to build all of that back. He would do anything to have his friend, a man he had known for as long as he could remember, back in his life.
He screwed up and it was time for him to fix it.
"Rick, man," Shane started, eyeing the way Lori's head snapped up, and the almost feral look that appeared in her eyes. "Can we talk?"
The surprise on Rick's face only brought more grief to Shane. He had been avoiding him for a few weeks now.
Fuck, he was the absolute worst.
A squeezing of his hand brought him back down from his all-consuming thoughts, and Shane couldn't help but glance over at her, to drown in those eyes, and take strength from that continued support.
"Sure," Rick said, dragging his attention back to the man, and away from the angel standing next to him. "We can talk."
"After all the ignoring he's done I don't think he deserves for you to talk to him, Rick," Lori began, standing as she spat the words out. Rick opened his mouth to talk, Shane felt himself flinch back, because he believed that, and began to hunker in on himself as he realized Lori was going to make this discussion come out in the worst way. There would be no chance to rebuild a friendship if she went batshit crazy spewing things out. Shane knew she would paint him into being the worst fucking asshole on the planet if Rick let her.
He would deserve it.
"Lori," a voice barked out, beating Rick to the punch, and keeping Lori from going on. "I think we need to go have another talk." Remington was glaring, done with the attitude, as she watched the woman begin another tantrum. Remi could see the fear in Lori's eyes. It was obvious she suspected Shane of wanting to talk with Rick about the affair. Remington could see that crazed glint as all control began to slip from her fingers. She would need to make Lori get a handle on those emotions. Lori could not be allowed to go into that conversation acting like this. It would cause unneeded damage.
"I'm not going anywhere with you!"
"Yes, you are," Remi demanded, drawing herself up, taking on the look of someone who was in charge. "You're gonna come with me and calm down. If you can do that, I'll let you go wherever, but we're not going to have a fight started, got it?" She squeezed his hand one last time before letting go and dragging a pissed-off Lori after her.
"You know what those two are going to talk about," Lori hissed as she was forced to follow after. "You're ruining everything."
"I told you, Lori," Remington said, swinging around, as she glared. They had come to the same spot she and Shane had just been standing at. Far enough away, but still close enough that Remi could keep an eye on everyone. Her kids were playing with the dogs, blissfully unaware of what was going on around them, as Jackson kicked a soccer ball around with them. "You had two days to talk to Rick and Shane, both of them, and tell the truth. Now Shane's going over there, he's going to explain what happened, the truth, and nothing more."
"You can't know that," Lori deflated. She seemed like she could still explode at a moment's notice but the realization of what was going on seemed to catch up with her. "He could paint me as this horrible person, and I wouldn't blame him. I've been terrible. I don't want to lose Rick or Shane, and this affair getting out would make me lose everything."
"Lori, you can't have them both. Shane's not yours." Remington could feel a sense of jealousy rise inside of her at the thought that Lori still wanted Shane. "If you want to save your marriage then you need to go over there and admit your faults alongside Shane, but you're never getting Shane back."
"Shane wouldn't have stopped acting like he cared if it wasn't for you." The words dripped like poison from her lips. "He would never have got it into his head to spill everything to Rick. He would have allowed it to stay a secret."
"Would you have preferred Shane still chasing after you? Ruining his life, his friendship, as he trailed after you like some dog in heat? Would that make you feel better? You didn't even want Shane, you just want the control that it gives you, having two men panting after you, willing to butt heads against each other if it meant being the one you paid attention to."
"You don't know shit, Remington. I don't want Shane and Rick hurting one another. I'm not the one toying with two men after me. I saw you kissing Shane just now, and earlier this morning I saw you with Merle. If anyone should be labeled a whore, it's you."
"I never said you were a whore!" Remington wanted to attack her. She could feel that anger raging inside of her, but she forced it back down, to keep a handle on her emotions. She had good practice with this, but she never had to keep herself from smacking someone for someone that she loved. That was harder. "And that is none of your business. I can kiss whomever I want."
"Oh? Is Shane going to like knowing that you're already out cheating on him? And with Merle Dixon of all people? I'm pretty sure that would make him crawl right back to me."
"He knows exactly who I'm going out and kissing," Remi snarled at her, moving to crowd into her space. "Shane isn't yours. Even if he wasn't with me, he wouldn't go back to you. He doesn't want to be your dirty little secret anymore. And you keep Merle's name out of your fucking mouth. That man is a better person than you are! At least I wasn't planning on pitting them against one another. What was your plan, Lori?"
Remington realized this conversation had gotten way out of hand. They always seemed to when it came to Lori. It was like Remington couldn't keep herself from blowing up. The woman just knew how to push her buttons. Remi had never been this volatile before in her life. She felt like if she didn't calm down that she truly would do something she would regret. Lori had never pushed like this in the show, yes sometimes she led Shane on, always right when it seemed Shane would try to get away, but she hadn't been actively chasing after him either. Was Remington that big of a difference? Was the knowledge that Shane had someone else enough to push Lori into chasing after him?
"I just want my husband."
"And a little side action, right?"
"I'm going to have his baby. His attention should be on me."
Remington couldn't help the laugh that fell from her lips. Bitter and pissed. It was a toxic mix, but Remi didn't care.
"You weren't even going to tell him about it." Remington scowled as she watched Lori's face flicker, an emotion settling in before she could make it go away. "Oh, my god. You knew he would know, even if you told everyone it was Rick's. You were going to use that baby to keep him in line, weren't you?! He wouldn't dare say anything to Rick if you laid the guilt on thick enough, but he would do anything for you and that baby just by knowing it was his. What the fuck, Lori?"
"Rick's not built for this world. He wouldn't do the things that need to be done to protect us. Not like Shane. He took us to the CDC, a horrible call if it wasn't for you and your meddling, we could have died! He doesn't know how to make the tough calls and went and got his hand cut off by trying to save someone else! He should have just let it go! He could have died trying to be the hero. He's not like Shane. Shane knows how to protect people."
"Rick did what he thought was right." Remington frowned, not believing this woman, who couldn't even pretend to back up her husband. That frown then turned into a scowl as she realized Lori thought Merle's life was beneath her shoes, and that Rick should have just let him die. "He saved a man's life! He did the right thing! This group is supposed to look after one another."
"Was that what you were doing, Remington, when you cut off my husband's hand?"
"Would you have preferred me to let him turn?"
"Were you looking after us when you killed those men back in Atlanta?"
"I did that to protect us. We were being shot at. We would have died."
"It seems to me that you're a little too okay with death. It follows you everywhere you go."
Remington didn't care that she was several inches shorter than Lori, she drew to her full height and came chest to chest with Lori, as her amber eyes darkened. She wasn't able to hold back the fury that passed over her as her hand came up, contacting Lori's cheek, as both women looked at each other in shock. It hadn't been hard, just reddened the cheek a bit, the mark already disappearing. Remi was the first to get over the surprise.
"I swear to God, Lori. If you come near Shane, for any purpose other than to allow him to have his time with that child, I will make you regret it. You even stare in his direction looking like you want more from him I will kick your ass. All he wants with you is that baby, and you're going to let him be a daddy. You're going to hold your tongue, and you're going to make time for him to be a part of that kid's life. I'm not telling you this just so you can ignore it. It's a fucking rule now, Lori. He will be nothing else to you other than a distant memory. He will not be your reserve. He will not be someone you can throw in front of you like a shield. He is nothing to you."
Lori flinched away from her.
"You can't make me stay away from him."
"He doesn't want you like that anymore. Leave him alone. Or I'll be forced to show you what I'm willing to do."
"You're crazy, Remington."
Remington took a step back. Her chest had stopped heaving. She was feeling abnormally calm.
"You should try talking to your husband. Fix your marriage. Otherwise, no one is going to want to be around you. You're self-destructing your own life. Forget about Shane. Get your life together. All he is, is the father to that child growing inside of you, nothing else. Start thinking that way."
Remington turned on her heel and took off away from Lori, leaving the woman there seething in her anger, as she glared daggers into Remi's back.
┈┈┈┈․° °․┈┈┈┈
Shane followed Rick as they walked to a more secluded area to speak. They walked around the farmhouse, heading toward the tree line, only stopping when they could no longer see anyone, and the only thing that was noticeable was the house. His eyes fell toward where Rick's hand used to be, wincing, as he never took the time to see how his friend was doing.
"How's it healing?" he asked, his voice sounding strange, as he felt anything but comfortable.
"It's doing fine according to Hershel," Rick said, turning on his heel as he sighed. "That's not why we're out here though, is it? I'd rather we were just catching back up, after not talking in so long, but I have a feeling this isn't going to be that type of conversation."
"No, man, it's not," Shane grunted, as he shifted uncertainly. It had been easier to do this when Remington had been walking him through it. Now that he was here Shane didn't know how to start this without being immediately punched.
"It got to do with why you've been avoiding me, and Lori's been acting so strange?"
"Look, I thought you were dead, man. I put my ear to your chest. There were men gunning down people in the hallways. Healthy and the dead. I panicked. I didn't hear a heartbeat, and I just left you there." Shane felt the guilt gutting his insides as he talked. It was all the truth. He felt guilt over so much more than the affair with his wife. He had fucked up in more ways than one.
"I understand." Because Rick did understand this. He hadn't been awake then but what he had seen, what he had witnessed in that hospital, it was all worse than anything he had ever seen before. He couldn't imagine having to live in that moment. Having been left behind like that. It didn't bother Rick.
"I went straight to Lori and Carl. I got them out, but fuck, she wouldn't leave your side, knowing you might still be alive, and so I told her you were dead. I should have stayed, to try to bring you back, but I didn't, and I didn't want to tempt fate into having her go back and try. I got them out, and I just did my best in trying to keep them alive. That's all I could think about."
Rick didn't say anything here. He had known Shane had done this. He felt relief at the knowledge that he had done everything he could. His son and wife were alive, and it was all because of his best friend. Except Rick knew there was more. There had to be. Shane wouldn't be looking like this if that's all that happened. He would have accepted Rick's mention of forgiving him and they would have moved on.
"I did a terrible thing to you," Shane said. Rick continued to stand in silence, watching and waiting. "She kissed me man, and I didn't stop it. I took comfort in it. So did she. That's all it was at first. Just taking comfort. I shouldn't have ever invited her into my bed, but I did, and I hate myself every day for it. When you opened that door, and I realized you were alive, it felt like a punch to the gut. The guilt that had been eating me up alive tripled and I wished I could take everything back."
Shane shuddered, his breath uneven, as he felt those emotions swirling inside of him, forcing the words out, as the tears built in his eyes. His mind went back, reliving those moments, wondering when he had decided to fuck up so badly. He had known it was messed up when he did it. He had ignored it. Wanting to feel something other than fear and worry. He felt something that made him feel alive and wanted when he was with Lori. It had kept him going.
"I was just surviving. It stopped as soon as I realized that you were alive. I never touched her again. I haven't thought about Lori in that way in a long time, and I never thought of her in that way before all of this. I'm so sorry-."
Shane never managed to finish saying whatever he was going to.
Rick had taken his one hand he had left and decked the man. His aim was off, he missed his nose, wanting to break it right where another guy had broken it all those years ago, but got his jaw instead.
"Fuck!" Shane yelled out as he rubbed his jaw and cursed again under his breath. "I deserved that."
Rick waved his hand, hissing, as the pain burst through his knuckles and the anger, he suddenly felt swelled up, bubbled over, and simmered underneath the edge of his vision.
"You fucked my wife."
Rick was glaring, a look in his eye that Shane had never seen before, the man was always the calm one. It was hard to work him up, but after all of these years, it would seem Shane had found what could piss off Rick Grimes. He wishes he hadn't.
"I did." There was no way Shane was going to back down now and try to smooth things over with pretty words, no, he was going to take what Rick needed to give him, and then spend the rest of his time on this earth making up for it.
"I c-can't even look at you right now. I don't know what I expected. Fuck, I wondered, but I was hoping I was wrong." Rick began to shake, pacing in front of Shane, as he was stuck between wanting to punch him again or leaving. He didn't feel like he could do either of those things.
"I'm sorry, man." Shane didn't know what else to say. He had screwed up. There was no card for a moment like this. No instructions on how to make it better. He just had to let it run its course, and hope that in the end things would get better between them.
"Why didn't you say anything? Why did you take this long?"
"Lori didn't want to say anything. She was scared. She thought you wouldn't listen and would want to leave her. Fuck, I don't know. I listened to her even though I wanted to say something as soon as we got back to the quarry. I just didn't want to make things worse. I was wrong. I should have just listened to Remi. I should have broken down and come clean back at the police station when we were alone."
"Remington knew." Rick found himself scoffing, shaking his head, as he felt that disbelief build inside. "Of course, she knew. She knew this whole damn time, didn't she?" This had been what she was keeping for Shane. Rick felt a sense of betrayal from the woman but found it slipping away quite fast, as it wasn't her place to be the one to tell him.
"She did."
"Why the hell isn't Lori here? Why didn't she just tell me this? God, was she really just going to keep me in the dark?" Shane winced, watching his friend spiral, as his pacing became more frenzied.
"Remi said she would push her to do it one last time. I don't know. Maybe she wants to talk to you by herself after this?"
Rick seemed as if he wanted to argue against that, and Shane found himself not blaming the guy. His wife should have been here. It shouldn't have just been Shane.
"There something else you gotta say?"
Shane hesitated. He wasn't sure if he should be the one giving the man this news. He was a bit afraid that he would be hit again.
"Lori's pregnant."
The words slipped from his lips before he could stop and properly think about them. He did not want to keep another secret from Rick. He didn't want it eating him up alive. Shane wanted to build that trust back up with Rick, but this wasn't helping his case. He knew that, and yet he couldn't stop it.
"And I want to be in that kid's life. I know it's mine, but to be sure Jenner can run a test after it's born, Remi said she'd make sure it was set up. If it's mine, man, I've got to be more than that kid's uncle. I've got to be its dad. I can't just walk away from that. That's my responsibility and I'm going to be there for it. Share custody with you and Lori, I don't care, I'll do anything."
Shane expected another punch, to have a fist swinging at him, not for Rick to suddenly collapse to the ground, his head buried into his hand. Shane watched the first sob wrack through Rick's body, then he could hear them, pouring from him faster, and faster. He found his body lowering toward the ground, leaning against a tree, as he reached over to pat his friend's back.
"She's pregnant. She didn't even tell me."
"I'm sorry." The word kept falling from his lips. He didn't know what else to say.
"How do you know? She tell you?"
"No. Remington figured it out. Forced her to take a test. Remi told me before I spoke to you."
"Fuck."
"Yeah."
"I don't know how to deal with this. There's no handbook on what to do when your wife and best friend cheat with one another and are having a baby." Shane winced. Rick sighed heavily, the breath escaping from his lungs, as he lifted his head.
"Man, I wanted to tell you sooner, but once I found out she was pregnant, that she was going to keep that from me, and never tell you the truth, I just couldn't do it anymore."
"Thanks for not letting this lie go on any further. For telling me yourself, and not letting me find out in some other way."
"You can punch me again if it would make you feel better." Shane hoped he wasn't going to take him up on that offer. His jaw hurt something fierce, throbbing, and would no doubt bruise.
"Naw. Your ugly mug is already going to look fucked up. No need to make it worse. Remington would never forgive me."
"She'd get over it. Considering the reason why. She told me to take anything you sent my way."
"Smart woman."
"That she is."
"I want to beat your face in, Shane. I really do. You kept it from me all this time, but here you are. Coming clean. Knowing that I might not act well, all but begging for me to hit you, too damn you. Seems you've done more damage to yourself than I ever could do to you."
"I love you, brother. I've hurt you with this. I deserve your anger, and to never be forgiven."
"Let's just take it a step at a time, Shane." Rick huffed, the breath leaving him with a gush of air, as he forced himself to his feet. "I need to go talk to my wife."
Rick left, walking off, leaving Shane by himself, sitting in the grass, as he watched him. Shane didn't deserve his forgiveness, but damn, he wanted it.
Minutes went by, Shane staring off into the distance when Remington blocked the sunlight from hitting him before she was suddenly sitting next to him.
"Are you going to be okay to watch after the camp?" she asked, eyeing him carefully. Her fingers reached out to cup the tip of his chin gently as she moved his face so she could get a better look at the bruise forming. "He hit you?"
"I let him. Deserved it. I'll be okay to watch after everything while you're gone. Rick isn't going to try to kill me or nothing."
"I wasn't worried about that. I figured he got all his anger out on you already. He didn't look happy when he was searching for Lori. I just don't want to leave you in a potential mess that comes from this."
"It'll be fine." Shane shifted, moving to face her, as he took a hold of the hand touching him. He brought it to his lips, kissing it lightly, as Remington shivered against the action. "I'll handle it. You've gotta go out and keep our group safe."
"I trust you. We'll only be out for a few hours."
Remington wanted to stay. To tell him everything she worried about with Lori, but he already had a tough day. He didn't need to know that Lori thought she could control him. She was certain Shane had already caught on to that fact. It was Remington's job to protect him, and she would.
"Just be safe."
"Of course."
Knowing that she could take a few moments more before having to leave, Remi slid closer to him. She laid her head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her close, and she made sure he knew she was there for him.
Remington didn't care what Lori thought. Shane was not going to be a secret of hers. She wants him to know that as well.
Neither of her men would ever feel as if she was using them or hiding them. She would make sure of it.