Olivia didn't look at the clock before knocking, Amanda's slightly disheveled appearance clued her in to the late hour. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I didn't even realize what time it was."
Amanda waved her off. "I crashed on the couch while watching a movie." She ran her fingers through her tangled blonde hair. Olivia perked over Amanda's shoulder to see Sonny crashed out, snoring and everything.
Amanda waved her in and said, "Don't mind the mess." She began grabbing Barbie's off the floor.
"Amanda, stop cleaning." Olivia nearly laughed. "I'm the one who's here at an ungodly hour."
Amanda smiled gratefully, and walked over to the couch. She pushed one of Sonny's feet, causing his entire leg to flop off the couch, "Hey," his eyes opened sleepily, but he straightened when he noticed Liv standing behind Amanda.
"Oh, hey, Liv," he said, rubbing his eyes and flipping both his legs off the couch.
Amanda grabbed his elbow, pulling him up off the couch. "Go to bed, babe. This isn't a work visit."
"Yeah, okay," he mumbled as he shuffled back towards their bedroom.
Once Sonny disappeared around the corner, Olivia sank into the couch cushions. "Why the hell do I do stupid things?"
Amanda sat down next to her, "Because you like to self-sabotage," she said, giving a self-deprecating laugh. "Been there a billion times." Amanda leaned back next to Liv. "Wanna tell me what happened?" She looked over Olivia's attire and said, "Clearly, you had a formal function tonight."
Olivia's fitted formal wear was a pretty good clue. She knew she looked perfect tonight. Flawless, from her perfectly done makeup to her painted toes. She sighed. "Another fundraiser."
"Who'd you take with you?"
"You know the captain over in counterterrorism?" Olivia asked.
"Yeah, you have had lunch a couple times, right?" Amanda asked.
"He asked me to go with him a few weeks ago," Olivia responded.
"Huh, that's pretty ballsy; I mean, I think it's common knowledge there is a certain slightly temperamental overprotective detective pursuing you pretty hard."
Liv gave her a side eye, but honestly, it was true. It felt like most of the force knew about Elliot's pursuit of her. Elliot was fairly intimidating to most, even some higher ranking officials. His reputation, and his commanding presence created discomfort for most of her peers. His active pursuit of her seemed to ward off most men's attempts to ask her out. Still, every now and again, someone gives it a shot.
"Well, Bell brought Elliot."
"Oh God," she said as she stood up and headed toward the kitchen, "Want a drink?"
"Is that a question?" Liv nearly laughed.
"I guess not." Amanda smiled as she opened the cabinet to reach for some glasses. She yanked out whatever alcohol she kept above the fridge.
Amanda continued the conversation while pouring their drinks. "Well, I mean, why not? The man looks damn good in a tux."
Olivia blew out a long breath. "Tell me about it."
Amanda handed Olivia her drink, and resumed her position on the couch. "I'm guessing he has to do with the'stupid things' you mentioned earlier."
Olivia took a drink from her glass, and set it on the coffee table, "Doesn't he always?" She leaned back into the cushions and pinched the bridge of her nose, "I swear I become a special level of stupid when he's around. It's fine when we are working, but outside of work, I become this idiotic mess."
Amanda drank her drink quietly, and Olivia knew what she was thinking but appreciated her willingness to just listen at this point.
"The night started okay enough. I didn't know he was coming. I should have figured, he's Ayanna's plus one a lot, especially since stuff with Denise went south."
"Understandable," Amanda commented.
"Anyway, you know how Elliot gets when I go out with anyone."
"Jealous, possessive, overprotective," Amanda listed the worst three offenders.
"Yes." Olivia let out a frustrated sigh, "He has always been like that. Even back when we worked together, he was married."
"I could tell you why." Amanda smirked in her direction.
"Hush you." Olivia knew why too, but this wasn't about that.
"So he's doing that thing, you know, he watches me like I'm the only person in the goddamn room."
"It's kind of sweet, actually." Amanda swooned.
"Not so much at a work function, no. Also, I'm on a date, remember?"
"Right, right. Continue."
"Well, my date steps out to take a call, and then he is there, completely in my space. It was like he was waiting for just the right moment to come over."
"Probably was." Amanda chuckled.
"His hand is on my back, and he's talking right in my ear, and all I'm thinking is that this is why the entire world thinks we are sleeping together."
"Fair assessment. What was he saying?" Amanda quipped.
Olivia felt the blush fill her cheeks. "Not important."
Amanda grinned over her drink. "Seems important."
"Do you want to hear the rest of the story, or are we stopping here?"
"No no. Go on." She waved her on.
"My date comes back, and of course that's a little uncomfortable. Especially since Elliot thought he should keep his hand on my lower back while we all talked." Olivia felt her stomach flood with butterflies at the memory.
"That's kind of hot, actually."
"Maybe a little," she admitted, "but this is a work function, and I am there with someone else!" She continues, "Elliot starts asking my date all sorts of questions."
"Oh Lord," Amanda groaned.
"Yeah. I know he's trying to make the whole thing uncomfortable on purpose, and I'm trying to find Ayanna because she's his goddamn handler. That's not supposed to fall to me anymore, but I don't see her anywhere, so I'm stuck with two men trying to one up each other. Elliot still insists on having his hand on my back."
"Still hot," Amanda quips.
"Shush. My date excuses himself to the bathroom because the whole interaction has been awkward as hell. At that point, I'm just pissed at Elliot."
"Understandable." Amanda grabs the unopened bag of fruit snacks one of the girls left on the coffee table and pops one in her mouth.
"I drag him outside, and it's freezing, which is good because no one is on that terrace." Amanda offers her a fruit snack, and Liv shakes her head, "I start yelling at him. I mean, he's obviously doing this all on purpose. And he just keeps smiling, which makes me more furious, so I storm off, but he catches my elbow, and he starts apologizing."
"And he's Elliot, and he's looking at me, the way he looks at me , and I'm suddenly in my kitchen with him again, and he's in my space, breathing my air, and then I..." Olivia covered both of her eyes, attempting to hide either her embarrassment or frustration. "I kissed him. Me. He didn't start it. I did."
"Good for you," Amanda applauded.
"No, not good. One minute I'm yelling at him to leave me the hell alone, and the next I'm making out with him on an abandoned terrace. It's no wonder he doesn't know how to act. I constantly give him mixed signals and say stupid things that I don't actually mean. What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Commitment issues, abandonment issues, the unreasonable need to control every aspect of your life..." Amanda listed off.
She shot her a glare.
"Again, not judging. Been there. A lot, actually." She leaned forward with her elbows resting on her thighs. "What happened after that?"
"Well, my head is spinning, and I'm getting lost in it, but then I pushed him away, like the kissing was his fault. It wasn't, but I started yelling at him again. I was still mad at him. I told him I could take care of myself, and I did just fine during his ten year abandonment."
Amanda visibly winced, "Low blow?"
"Yeah. He started to leave, and I felt bad, but then my date finally found us, but I lost Elliot in the room full of people, and it's not like I could ditch my date and track him down." Oliva sighed and fell back into the couch cushions. I told my date I was sick, and I took an Uber here." She closed her eyes and laid her arm behind her head. "Why did I kiss him? I know I'm not ready, and I told him that a while ago. I just, ugh."
"I can tell you why you kissed him, but you aren't going to like my answer."
"Okay why? Why do I yank him around so badly? One minute, I'm impulsively kissing him, and the next, I'm yelling and saying things I don't mean. I stay away for months at a time because every time I see him, I send mixed signals, driving the poor man crazy."
"You kissed him because you love him," Amanda started. Olivia started to protest, but Amanda held her hand up to stop her. "Let me finish. You yank him around because, in one moment, you want what he's offering, but the wanting freaks you out, and you push him away." Amanda sighed. "Maybe you think if you keep punishing him, and pushing him away, he'll leave and prove you right."
"You're probably right," Olivia admitted.
"Here's the thing, Liv, you have yanked him around, punished him, shut him out, and pushed him away, and he's still there. He wants you, on your terms, and in any capacity you allow." Amanda's eyes grew serious. "That man loves you, and God knows you love him. The only thing stopping this from happening is you."
Olivia felt tears welling in her eyes, and she wiped them away before they could fall to her cheeks. "I just can't do it. It's like trying to jump in a cold swimming pool on a hot day. You know you will feel amazing if you just dive in, but you're resisting the initial shock of the cold water. I'm standing on the edge of the diving board, willing myself to jump, but I can't get over the potential discomfort enough to dive in."
Amanda reached for her best friend's hand and said, "No risk, no reward, right? The stakes might be high, but the reward is high too. The more time you wait, the more time you waste." Amanda squeezed her hand. "I want you to be happy, Liv. I want you to choose joy. You can do this. Just close your eyes and take the plunge."
Olivia sat for a few moments, processing her best friend's words. She made a decision, and she pulled herself off the couch.
"Where are you going?" Amanda smiled, likely knowing the answer.
Olivia grabbed her coat and bag and then responded, "I think I need to talk to a slightly temperamental, overprotective detective, I know."
Amanda smiled and said, "Don't wimp out." Olivia glared back at her. "No seriously. You owe this to yourself. Call me in the morning." Amanda gave her a knowing grin.
Olivia slipped out the door, took a deep breath, and gathered courage to do what needed to be done to find her joy.
-000-
Olivia didn't panic until she parked in front of Elliot's place. What the hell am I doing? Damn Amanda, making her feel confident and happy. It wasn't too late. He didn't know she was here yet. She could just leave. But, then she wouldn't ever know. She would never know what would happen if she just gave him a chance.
She turned off the ignition and took a minute to breathe. No risk, no reward. She could do this. Maybe. Ugh. She just needed to get out of the damn car. She took another deep breath and pushed the car door open. She was there, and she was doing this.
She knocked on his door, thinking she should have called or texted first. She didn't text because she wanted the option to wimp out, but now she worried he might not even be there. Most people didn't willingly answer their doors at 2 a.m..
She knocked firmly, not too loudly. She swore she heard another voice in there. A woman's voice. "Shit." Maybe she could get out of here without anyone noticing. She heard the deadbolt click, Too late. There is no way out now. Damn it.
The door swung open to reveal a very awake Elliot Stabler.
She couldn't breathe. She leaned against the door frame, suddenly exhausted. "Hey," she said lamely.
"Hey," he returned with a smile.
They stood there for a moment, just staring at each other. Daring the other to make a move. Just then a voice called from his kitchen, "Who's at your door at two in the morning, Stabler?" Sergeant Bell walked around the corner and into the hallway, nearly freezing at the sight of Olivia leaning against the door frame. "Umm," she began awkwardly, "I think I'll go." She reached for her purse that hung near the door.
"Oh no, you can stay." This could be her excuse to back out of this.
Ayanna waved her off. "No, really. I gotta get home." Her eyes grabbed Elliot's. "Call me tomorrow?"
Elliot nodded, and Ayanna slipped out the door past Olivia. "Bye, Liv!" she called over her shoulder.
Elliot tilted his head towards his apartment. "Come in?" He asked.
"Yeah," she answered meekly.
She followed him further into his apartment, meeting him in the kitchen.
"Want a drink?"
"Yeah. Water?" Her throat was so dry. She wasn't sure she could do this.
He opened his fridge and grabbed a water bottle, then slid it across the island to her. "Thanks," she said, giving him a tentative smile.
The air felt thick around them, and one of them needed to say something. Her brain didn't seem like it wanted to work right now, so it fell to him.
He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, "Look, Liv," he started, "I'm sorry, I..." The apology tapered off.
"El." She sighed, "I can't have my soap opera life play out in front of all the brass." She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to figure out what she felt right now. Anger? Anxiety? Exhaustion? Probably all of it.
"I get that, but..." He came around the island to sit at the bar stool next to her. His proximity made her heart pound, and she knew it was probably better to have this conversation with a little space between them, but she felt stuck. "I need to know something," he said as he met her gaze. "Why will you date literally everyone but me?"
"Elliot, I.." She didn't know how to answer.
"No, Liv, seriously. If I asked you to go to this thing tonight, would you have gone with me?" His eyes were serious. "Do I need to answer for you? Based on previous experience, I'm pretty sure you would have shot me down."
She hated it, but he was right. Anytime he took a step towards her, she shot him down. Again and again. "It's more complicated than that," she said, focusing on her hands.
"Is it, though?" She heard the all-too-common anger rising in his voice. "Do you want me or not, Liv? It's pretty simple."
"It's not simple for me, El." She felt her own tone begin to bite, and she knew this conversation was beginning to escalate.
Elliot pushed the bar stool back and stood up to walk away.
Her own anger rose as she watched him turn away from her, give up on her, and not fight for her.
She shook her head and muttered, "Just walk away. You're good at that." She winced at her own words, fully knowing she was baiting him. Maybe she needed to see that fire in his eyes. Maybe she needed him to get angry instead of constantly reining in his own feelings. She wanted Elliot. Elliot, whom she knew before. The Elliot, who would challenge her, butt heads with her and eventually find a solution with her. She needed that, Elliot.
Maybe it was the late hour, or maybe she poked him in a sore spot, but either way she got a reaction. He turned, and she saw the fire, the temper, and the Elliot who fought for what he wanted. "Are you ever going to let that go, or are we never getting past it? I can't change it! If I could, I would, but you are punishing me over and over for it, and I have no idea how to get us past this."
He was back in her space, and she matched his ire, "TEN YEARS ELLIOT! Ten F-ing years! That's not nothing! It's not something you just 'get over'. She stood on her bar stool and pushed past him.
He caught her arm, and she spun back towards him, but dropped her arm once she faced him. "I know how long I was gone! Do you think I would be happy without you? Do you think I don't have immense guilt over the things I missed?" He choked back a little emotion, "The things I didn't protect you from!?" He strode over to the couch and sat aggressively. "Every time we fight, every time we disagree, it comes back to this." He dropped his head in his hands, "Everytime I see you, I'm reminded of the worst decision I ever made."
She quietly came and sat next to him. Her anger melted at his obvious remorse. Maybe they needed to have this yelling match a long time ago. "Elliot," she said gently. She reached for his elbow, but he recoiled slightly. She dropped her hand.
"I don't want anyone else but you." He lifted his head to look at her, and she felt her heart pounding. "I can wait as long as you need me to. I want you to be ready, but I need to know if I even have a shot here." His eyes held hers, and she felt frozen under his gaze. "I just need to know what you want. I'm fine waiting in the wings, but I need to know what to expect here." He nervously reached for her hand. "I won't ever move on. I know that. You are it for me, Liv. I know I will never love anyone as much as I love you." He shook his head in mild frustration, "I can't watch you date other people, and stand on the sidelines without throwing my hat in the ring." His fingers tangled with hers, "If you want me to get lost, leave you alone, or whatever, just tell me, but I want you to know that nothing," his eyes filled with a fiery intensity, not the angry intensity, but rather something that looked like passion—"nothing will change how I feel about you."
She didn't notice the tears until he brushed them away from her face. He left his hand on her cheek, and she gripped his wrist. She closed her eyes while she attempted to process everything he said. Then Amanda's voice echoed in her head: "Choose joy."
She opened her eyes, and he met her gaze. It's time to dive in. She let out a nervous breath and said, "I want you," she whispered.
"Yeah?" She nearly cried at the happiness on his face.
She gave him a peaceful smile and said, "Yeah."
He pulled her face to his, resting his forehead against hers. His thumb passed over her lips, and she closed her eyes, savoring the sensation. His lips brushed against hers, a whisper of a touch, testing the waters. She returned his kiss, encouraging him onward. The lip play began slowly but quickly escalated. The 20-year-old emotional dam burst, removing any inhibition either of them still had. The fear and anxiety that once held her captive melted away, replaced with a passionate desire she never before felt.
His lips were insistent on hers, asking and begging for more, and she happily acquiesced. Her lips parted, seemingly giving him permission to deepen this already perfect kiss. He threaded his fingers through her hair, pressing her into him. He leaned back, pulling her on top of him while his tongue found hers. His hands started to wander, and she felt his free hand wander towards her ass. She kissed him harder as both his hands pawed at the zipper of her dress. She pulled back, grinning. His confused expression was adorable. She rolled off of him and stood, turning her back towards him. She brushed her hair out of the way to better expose her zipper. "If you insist on reaching my zipper, try not to ruin my dress."
He scrambled up and placed a hand on her shoulder before placing a kiss on the back of her neck. Her breath caught as he gently pulled the zipper down, exposing her back to the cool air. He ran his fingers down the length of her spine, causing a row of goosebumps. She turned towards him, holding her dress up at the front. She grinned as she backed towards his bedroom, and he willingly trailed behind her.
-000-
Olivia awoke to the sun streaming in through Elliot's bedroom window. Her cheek lay on her chest. She savored the warmth of his skin against hers, while she softly trailed her fingers across the planes of his chest. He started to stir and met her eyes with that goofy smile, the one he saved for her. His hand brushed her wild hair out of her face, and she pulled that same hand to her lips, kissing his palm. "How are you this morning?" She knew he was worried she would freak out and bolt. To be fair, she had done that a million times. His eyes found hers, looking deep and serious. "No regrets?"
She lifted her head and placed a lingering kiss on his lips, "No regrets." She snuggled back into him and closed her eyes in contentment. Then she popped up suddenly and said, "I need to call Amanda!"
He laughed. "Why in the world would you need to call her now?"
"I promised I'd call her this morning, I might have dropped by her house last night before coming here." She smiled sheepishly.
He leaned in and pressed a kiss on her temple. "Remind me to send her a thank you card."
She laughed, "I don't think she'll need a thank you card, but she'll kill me if I don't tell her I fell into bed with a certain overprotective detective, I know."
"Hmm," he said, placing a kiss behind her ear and down her neck. "Think she could wait a little bit?" His lips found their way to her collarbone. She suddenly couldn't remember what they were talking about.
He planted a row of kisses on her bare shoulder. "Mmm, she can definitely wait."