Elliot try to overhear the conversation. It's not like they were keeping their voices down.

"Oh it's the biggest disaster since the whole William Lewis thing."

Elliot averted his attention to his phone, mindlessly scrolling in boredom. The lieutenant he planned on meeting was late.

"William Lewis?" The other cop asked.

"You didn't hear about that? God, it happened probably more than ten years ago now."

"Oh well, I didn't live in the city back then. What happened?"

"Creep abducted Captain Benson," Elliot's ears perked up at the mention of Liv. "You know the captain over at SVU? Anyway, she wasn't captain then, but they tried to convict this psychopathic rapist, and he got off on a technicality. Benson came home to find him waiting for her. Took 'em four days to find her. No one even knew she was gone until two days had already passed."

Elliot was now listening intently. Why the hell had he never heard about this?

"How do you go two days without anyone noticing she was gone?" Good question.

"Her captain sent her home. Lewis getting off was rough on Benson. No one was worried because she was on leave for two days."

"Still, two days?"

"Yeah, and two more to find her. The whole thing was a train wreck."

Elliot felt like someone was standing on his chest. What the hell happened? And how did he know nothing about this?

The younger officer let out a low whistle. "Four days. I can't imagine what hell he put her through."

"You could probably find some files or something. I never really looked into it beyond the news articles, ya know."

"Yeah. It might be better not to know details about something like that."

"Yeah. Stuff of nightmares."

Elliot's brain seemed to have decided breathing wasn't necessary. Before he knew it he was out the door of the precinct. If anyone asked he'd tell him he'd left because the sergeant didn't show soon enough.

The open space helped some, but he still felt like someone was stomping on his chest. He felt himself pacing the sidewalk like a madman. Why didn't she tell him? He worried about that, but he fully realized this was not about him. It was about her and what he missed.

He needed to stop pacing, but he still had no idea what he wanted to do. It's not like he could walk up and ask her, but he wasn't sure it was his place to ask Fin or Rollins. He could pull the case files, but the idea made him sick to his stomach. There had to be some reason Olivia didn't tell him, and he was sure she didn't want him to read the case files if she hadn't even told him in the first place.

He needed to do something. He got into his car and sat without turning the ignition on. His phone screen lit up, and he glanced over to its position on the seat next to him. It was Bell. He should answer, but he didn't want to get yelled at right now.

Maybe he should just go home. He could run. Running sounded good right now. He only wished he could run away from this.

-000-

He'd run five miles, and ignored all his calls. Bell called four times, and he knew she was going to start freaking out soon, but he couldn't do anything right now but this. So he kept running.

By the time he completed an eight mile loop, he was tired but still keyed up. He made it back to his place, and sat on the stoop outside. He dropped his head into his hands. Eight miles later and he couldn't get any of it out of his head. The words psychopathic rapist and four day abduction. Played on loop.

And then he was in front of that courthouse last year. And his life was falling apart. Then they were arguing over stupid things and he felt a stabbing pain in his stomach at the memory. I wish I could trust you. You haven't asked me one question about my life. He was such an ass. He was worse than that. He was an untrustworthy stubborn ass.

Something horrific happened to her, and he wasn't there to do anything. No wonder she kept pushing him away. No wonder she didn't want him in her life.

He thought about his words in the kitchen. I care for you. What's wrong with protecting you? Well obviously she couldn't count on him to be there when she needed it most. Hell, he wasn't even on the same continent! He cared for her, but obviously not enough to come back for her. He moaned into his hands. "I'm such an ass."

"I thought that was well established." She sat next to him on the step.

He couldn't even look at her right now. How could she let him even in the same orbit as her?

She sat quietly for a moment then asked, "You know, you can't ghost your superior officer right?" He still wouldn't look up. "I mean ghosting me was one thing," she didn't finish the thought because he shot up from where he was sitting. He was pacing again.

She sighed, "Sit down, El. You're making me dizzy."

He tried to say something, but his throat felt closed off. He just shook his head and kept pacing.

She sat patiently. He wondered how long she'd sit here before giving up on him. She should have given up on him long ago.

"Want to tell me what's wrong?" Her voice was quiet.

He finally looked at her and nearly fell apart where he stood. She sat there, patient with him, as always, with those deep brown eyes. They could always communicate more than words ever could.

He returned the gaze, in the hope he wouldn't have to ask, she would just know. They sat there passing silent gazes back and forth until she asked, "Lewis?" Her eyes dropped to her hands and she suddenly looked so broken.

Elliot nodded and sat back down next to her. Finally he found the words, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I guess I thought you knew, and if you didn't I wanted to spare you from all that."

He reached out, tenderly taking her hand in his. He kept his eyes there, in their clasped hands. "I didn't know," he choked back the sob threatening to erupt from his chest. He tentatively lifted his eyes, still blinking back tears, "I'm so sorry Liv. If I knew…" There was no stopping the tears now.

"How much did you hear?" She shifted nervously.

"Not a lot. Just the bare basics really. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't know if you were keeping it from me for a reason or if you just didn't want to talk about it."

She toyed with his fingers, "I didn't want to hurt you more than you've been hurting, and I knew you would take this on you, but it's not on you." Her eyes found his again, "and it's hard for me to talk about. It's not like I want to bring it up in daily conversation."

He nodded in understanding, but said, "It is on me. I wasn't here. I should have been here." He felt guilt eating him alive from the inside out.

Olivia squeezed his hand, "I'd wished you were here, but I can't say for certainty that it would have made any difference."

"It would have made a difference. I wouldn't have left you isolated for two days before checking on you."

"You left me isolated for ten years," he words were quiet, but bit into him as she spoke, "ten years without checking on me. Two days was the least of my problems."

That stabbed him right in the gut, and he suddenly couldn't breathe again. Once the tunnel vision started closing in, he knew it was the beginning of a panic attack.

Then her voice broke through the darkness, like one small stream of light.

"El," her voice was soft, "you're going to hyperventilate. Let's slow down a little." He felt her rubbing his back, her fingers patterning wide circles. The sensation slowed his breathing until he felt himself breathing deeper and slower. He still felt completely consumed by guilt and shame. The person he loved most in the world suffered in his absence. On the surface it looked like 10 years brought her only good things, friends, a son, promotions. All good things. But now he knew it had all come at a terrible cost.

"God Liv." He was openly crying at this point. "How can you even be around me? Why do you even try? I hurt you, and then this? How can you be in the same room with me?"

She surprised him when she brought her hand to his cheek, forcing his gaze on her, "I'm sorry, I don't blame you for this. I struggle with the way you left me, but I don't blame you for what happened with William Lewis."

He shook his head in disagreement, "I do. I should have been there."

"You should have, but we can't change it. You aren't responsible for his choices, but it doesn't mean I didn't wish you were there." Her eyes teared up, "You were my partner and I wanted you."

He couldn't stop crying. "I'm sorry Olivia. So sorry."

She leaned her head on his shoulder, trying to hold back tears of her own.

For a while they sat together and let the tears fall. They mourned the years lost, the opportunities missed, and the love lost.

He leaned his head on hers, enjoying this rare moment of physicality between them.

"El?" She whispered.

"Yeah," he answered.

"I forgave you for leaving. A long time ago, but trust is hard for me. And you demolished what little I had when you left."

He nearly cried again at her words of forgiveness. "What can I do Liv? How can I make this better?"

"I don't know. I know you're trying and that helps. I need you to be here. No more running. No more leaving. It's not something you can fix overnight."

"I know." His head dropped in his hands, but he turned his face towards her, "But I want to try." He wanted her to understand, "I'm not going anywhere Liv."

She gave him a soft smile and bumped her shoulder against his. "I want to believe you," she kept her voice light. Then she smiled, "But you are kinda a selfish ass."

"Ha ha," he sarcastically then smiled. More seriously he added, "Do you want to tell about any of it?"

She shook her head. "Not now." She let out a tense breath of air, "I need to be a little more mentally prepared for it I think." She lifted her brown eyes to his, "I want to tell you, and I will, but I want it to be on my terms."

He nodded, knowing that was his answer. He wouldn't look into it further, and he would let her guide the pace at which she shared the most hellish experiences of her life. She smiled wryly, "Wanna know something?"

She grinned suspiciously, "Um, sure?"

He leaned his face close to hers, and he heard her breath catch. His hand found her cheek and he whispered, "This selfish ass is completely in love with you."

She took a sharp breath, but didn't withdraw. He couldn't breathe as he waited for her response to his impulsive admission.

"Elliot?"

His insides clenched as he waited for the sting of rejection she met him with again and again. "Yeah?" he tried to keep his voice even, neither sad nor hopeful.

"You might be a selfish ass, and its completely stupid, but I love you too."

He thought his insides might burst at her admission, but instead he closed the distance between them, kissing her softly and slowly. "I'm not going anywhere," he promised.

"Better not," she kissed him back, "because I know a certain ex narcotics cop who would happily hunt you down and shoot you in the ass."

He brushed his lips against hers, "He would too."

"Yeah," she whispered. "He totally would."

This time he kissed her a little more thoroughly, leaving them both breathless. "Guess I'm not going anywhere."

She kissed him with complete confidence. "Good." She grinned, and pulled back, "Now you better call Ayanna back. She had completely lost it by the time she called me."

"Ugh."

"Well, if you wouldn't try to solve problems by not answering your damn phone…" she left it at that with a smile.

"I'll do better," he promised.

Her eyes found his, communicating the intensity and trust of her next words, "I know."