Five minutes into the drive, he must have had enough of the silence. "I'm sorry, Liv, really. I just. Ugh. He could have killed you, and he threatened Noah. I couldn't do nothing."
She knew he couldn't help it, and she loved him for it. She could take care of herself, but sometimes it was nice to think that she might not have to. Still, threatening Oscar Papa was insanely stupid, to say the least. "I understand El; I really do, but I wish you wouldn't have done that."
He shook his head. "We talked about this, you would have done the same, worse even."
"It's not that." She was well aware he had shown immense self-control in there. But Oscar Papa was incredibly dangerous, even in prison. "I just," she hesitated. "I think he's done with me and Noah. Until today, he didn't know you existed. And now he does." She sighed and leaned back into the seat. "I just don't want him to take all of that as a challenge. Killing you wouldn't be the worst thing he's ever done, and your connection to me would be a bonus incentive." She took a slow breath. She wasn't going to cry. Not here, but the thought of him ending up like a Duarte was almost too much.
"I'll be fine, Liv. I can take care of myself." She watched him with wary eyes. Sometimes they were too alike. She wondered if one day they would allow each other to take care of each other in the way they used to.
She sighed, "How many gang leaders and mob bosses do you think you can threaten without eventually getting killed?" She closed her eyes. God, she couldn't even look at him right now. The thought of his absence—a permanent absence—felt like too much.
To her surprise, he pulled over. She still couldn't meet his eyes because she was a little terrified about what she might find there. Add to that, this feeling growing in her chest made her not trust her actions at the moment. She kept her eyes closed. He wasn't ready, she reminded herself. That damn wedding ring on his finger was a clear reminder of how unavailable he was. How unavailable he'd always been.
It was that thought that made her cry. The despair over the fear of this never being anything more. He reached for her hand, and she felt the irresistible urge to run.
Without thinking, she grabbed the door handle and flung the door open. She couldn't be here. Not right now. It was too much.
She rushed down the sidewalk, and despite her head start, he was there in a second. "Liv!" He grabbed her upper arm, and her momentum stopped suddenly, causing her to spin into him, and her hand slammed into his chest as she tried to keep her balance.
Her eyes were on his, and she knew he could see the obvious tears streaming down her face. She wasn't ready to show him this. Her obvious need for him. She wasn't ready for him to know. Not while his wedding band suddenly sat ominously on his finger. She wouldn't be second best, second choice because, if she were honest, he was and always would be her first choice.
"I can't do this right now." Her voice was low and desperate. Begging him to just let her go.
"Let me at least take you to work, home, or whatever you want." His hand was on her cheek, and the emotions churning in her chest were escaping as tears. And he was probably confused by all of this because she was obviously not forthcoming with her thoughts and emotions. Add to that, she was having this meltdown in the middle of a public sidewalk.
She hated that her usually carefully guarded emotion was now completely out of control, and he could see it all. She needed to get out of here.
"I need to go." The desperate look in his eyes made her want to stay, but she couldn't stay because she needed to get the hell out of here before she admitted things to him that he wasn't ready for. She pulled her arm out of his hand and hurried away, leaving him staring after her, probably confused as hell.
-000-
What the actual hell just happened? He watched her retreat and resisted the urge to chase her down again. She clearly needed to get away from him, and that thought was discouraging. He thought they had made a little progress over the last few days. He swore the look in her eyes as they talked meant something.
He shook his head and turned back to the car. The pain in his chest was a real physical sensation, and he just wanted to scream. He wasn't entirely sure what he did this time, making all of this more frustrating than it normally would be.
He pounded one hand against the steering wheel. He lost his temper at Papa, but that action didn't seem to be the real issue here, and he wished he had a clue about what happened.
He dropped the car in the driveway and headed back to the OCCB offices. Ayanna would want an update on what was happening at the prison, and he knew he would be distracted and still trying to figure out what was going on with Liv, not the prison. Ayanna would inevitably pick up on his distress and question him about it, and he really didn't want to talk about any of this. And on top of everything, he was so damn tired.
Sleeping was impossible because every time he closed his eyes, she was there, and with her came the overwhelming guilt he felt at the idea of moving on . He had hoped wearing his band would help with the sleep issues. Maybe if she knew he thought of her and missed her, she might leave him alone. It didn't help, and he suspected the stupid idea had probably further alienated Olivia.
Why was he always so damn stupid? And why was the timing always so wrong? For once, he wanted things to go right. For once, he wanted them both to be happy, and he knew he couldn't be happy without Olivia.
-000-
Olivia walked off her emotions before getting an Uber. Problem was that she had no idea where she wanted to go. She could go to work, but she was so distracted that working would be torture. She could go home, but her apartment would be quiet and lonely. Maybe that was all she was made for; maybe this was the way she was meant to live her life. Alone .
With that depressing thought, she had the Uber take her to work. She needed to get her car so she could just drive for a while. She couldn't be anywhere right now, and driving around aimlessly was the closest she could be to nowhere.
The Uber driver dropped her off, and she didn't even go inside the precinct. The second she set foot in there, someone would need something, and at the moment, she felt like she had nothing left to give.
She climbed into the driver seat of her car and shut the door. She didn't even turn the ignition. She felt overwhelmed and lost. She felt unmoored and unsettled, like she was being tossed about at the mercy of the wind and rain. Unfortunately, she knew what, or rather, who, could provide that mooring, but she had a feeling she needed him far more than he could ever need her. The thought triggered more tears, and she felt exhausted.
She sighed and wiped the tears from her eyes. She flipped the visor mirror down. God, her make-up was a total mess. She dug through the console until she found a package of tissues towards the bottom. She blotted the ruined mascara away, and she looked a little less like a hot mess.
She needed to go home, and sleep. She couldn't do this shit day anymore. Maybe some sleep would provide some perspective. Maybe, but probably not.
-000-
As expected, Ayanna gave him that look after he finished updating the team on the prison visit. She wandered back to her office, and looked back, and he knew she wanted him to follow. He sighed. Here we go.
He waited a moment and then followed her up to the office.
"Shut the door." Her large brown eyes shifted to the door.
He nodded and closed the door behind him. He stood just in front of the door, hoping for a quick exit. He crossed his arms and waited. He had no desire to talk about any of this right now.
"You good?" She asked.
"Yeah," he said simply.
"This is how you're going to play it, huh?" She shook her head at him. "Fine. Just contact SVU and have them send those four profiles over."
"Can't Reyes do it?" He glared. He knew she was just trying to get him to talk to Liv.
"He could, but I didn't ask him to do it, did I?" Her eyes bore into his, and he felt himself shifting his weight uncomfortably.
"Fine. I'm not sure what happened. One minute we were fine, and the next she told me to stop threatening gang leaders so I don't get killed."
"Sound advice, actually," Ayanna muttered.
Elliot shot her another glare. "I pulled over because she was upset, and I wanted to talk to her, but she just got out of the car and left." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't know what the hell is going on anymore."
Ayanna threaded her fingers together and leaned forward. "You're an idiot."
"Apparently," he muttered.
"No seriously."
"I can leave now, right?" He said with snark, his hand on the door handle.
She shook her head. "You threaten a gang leader. A gang leader that nearly killed her and her son. A gang leader who killed the other captain she worked with. You threaten that man, and you expect her not to worry."
"Worry, yes. Bail out of the car, not so much."
"I don't know her well. In fact, most of what I know I learned from you and the 1-p-p rumor mill." Her eyes found his again. "If she was that hurt and pissed about you abandoning her for ten years, imagine how pissed and upset she would be if you died."
The words hung in the air like the swirling smoke of a dive bar.
Once she felt he had enough time to process her words, she suggested, "Go home, Elliot. You're exhausted." Worry laced her brow. "Get your head together before reaching out again."
He nodded. She was probably right. He should let Liv calm down. He should let himself sleep.
Unfortunately, he couldn't get himself to do either of those things.
-000-
Olivia drove around for a little bit before heading home. At one point, she started in the direction of Elliot's place, but after a few minutes, she changed her mind. She wasn't sure she was ready to see him, and he probably went back to work.
She parked at her building and sighed. She had a couple hours until Noah would be home. She could sneak in a nap and maybe find the energy to get Noah through all his homework.
She hit the button for the elevator and waited. She knew that she overreacted a little this morning, but even now she felt so much anxiety over Elliot.
She entered the elevator and hit the button for her floor. That damn wedding band . She knew things had been weird. She knew he was massively triggered right now. That was all the more reason to put a pause on whatever this is. The last thing she needed was to start something just for him to change his mind and back off of her. She couldn't handle that.
She exited the elevator and was surprised, but not really, to see a familiar person sitting on the floor next to her door.
She approached and said, "You look a little stalkerish sitting here. You have a key," she reminded.
He shrugged. "I wasn't sure you wanted me here, and I didn't want to scare the shit out of you by sitting on your couch when you got home."
She was grateful for that. She might have actually shot him because that kind of surprise would have been very triggering for her. "Probably smart, actually." She tried a smile, but it failed. She reached out her hand to pull him to his feet. She wiggled her key into the door. "Come on in," she invited.
She felt his body right behind her. He was always in her space, and part of her loved it. The other part wanted to run away, terrified.
She dropped her stuff on the counter, and he followed suit. He must have come straight from work because he still carried his bag of documents and his laptop.
She turned, and he was still really close. His chest was practically touching hers, and her breath caught. She couldn't meet his eyes because it would be too much. "Wanna sit?" she asked while staring at her feet.
He lifted his hand to her arm, brushing it softly. "Yeah." She could see him craning his neck, trying to make eye contact, but she couldn't breathe, and meeting his gaze would only make it worse.
His hand found her elbow, and he tugged her gently in the direction of the couch. They sat, and she realized she would have to look at him eventually. She sighed and lifted her eyes to his.
His eyes searched hers, and she knew he was so confused and really wanted to know what was going on.
She bit her lip, realizing how much she wasn't expecting this, him. But he was here, and she had to say something.
He beat her to it, "Liv, I'm sorry. I need to be better. I need to do better."
She wanted to scream, "It's not about that," but how the hell was he supposed to know that all of this wasn't as much about him as it was about her?
"El, it's not... I…" Why did her brain turn to mush every time she tried to communicate with him? It really didn't help that his hand somehow found its way to her knee.
She tried again, keeping her eyes on his hand on her knee. Of course it was his left hand, and of course that band still sat there, taunting her. "It's not anything you did," she started.
He looked even more confused, and she sighed. She couldn't imagine how confusing this all was for him, and he wanted to talk, but she felt like she couldn't. His eyes were heavy on her, and she had anxiety pooling in her chest. "I'm so tired." She knew she was avoiding this. He knew she was avoiding this, and the disappointment was all over his face. She wanted to, but she just couldn't.
She stood abruptly. "I can't do this right now." Her hand was on her stomach, pressing into the anxiety housed there.
He was suddenly right there with her, both hands holding her elbows. "Just talk to me, Liv. I just..." he paused. "I can handle anything you have to say, but just don't shut me out." His dewy blue eyes found hers, and she took a minute to breathe. "Please," he begged.
Everything inside of her wanted to run, but his hands on her elbows kept her firmly in place. She laid her head on his shoulder and kept her eyes closed. His hands dropped from her elbows and encircled her waist. She swallowed her fear, but her voice trembled when she finally spoke. "I'm scared," she admitted. "I can't lose you, and I know you're going to say you're fine and careful and whatever, but it's not just that. You left, and it was devastating." She tried to hold back her tears, but they wet his shirt anyway. "If I lost you, If you died..." she whispered, "I wouldn't survive that."
She felt his arms tighten around her and his lips brush her hair. "I'm not going anywhere," he promised.
"You can't guarantee that." She whispered
"There are never any guarantees, Liv," his voice firm but loving. "Either of us could be hurt in the job, and not just that." He hesitated, like he was considering his next words. "Kathy died in an explosion, Liv. She was a civilian, and she died in a horrible way. We could have never planned for that." He kissed the crown of her head. "There are never guarantees, but that shouldn't keep us from being together for whatever time we have left."
She tried to absorb his words and his reassurances. She had been desperately trying to keep her heart from hurting, but it was hurting anyway.
The mention of Kathy didn't bother her, but her ring on his finger did . She needed to tell him. To say something, but she froze. Instead, she retreated, saying, "I really am tired, Elliot." She murmured. Then she remembered how bloodshot his eyes looked. She pulled back and put a hand on his face. "When did you last sleep? Like, actually slept?" From the circles beneath his eyes, she suspected it had been days.
"Honestly, I have no idea, really." He hesitated again. "I've had a lot of flashbacks lately," she said, knowing from their previous conversation that the flashbacks included his dead wife. "… it's just easier not to sleep."
She rubbed her thumb over the stubble on his cheek. "I'm going to take a nap." She hesitated, but she was worried about him. She closed her eyes and swallowed back her fear. "Come nap with me." She pressed her face into his shoulder, trying to hide the flush on her cheeks, but he nodded.
"Okay," he agreed, but his voice was unsure. "I'll try."
-000-
Elliot hesitated at her bedroom door. He had never been back here. And even if this was just a nap, the intimacy of sharing a bed with Olivia made his heart pound.
She glanced back at him, noting his hesitation, but she said nothing. He watched her flip back her comforter and slide between the sheets. He hurried into the room, not wanting her to interpret his hesitation in the wrong way.
She didn't look in his direction as he slid between her sheets, but he heard her uneven breathing. This was a stretch for her, an extension of trust. Trust he never deserved.
Once he settled, he asked, "Liv?"
"Hmm?"
He thought better of what he was going to say. "Nevermind."
But that seemed to only pique her curiosity. She rolled over, and her large brown eyes sought his. "What did you want to say, El?" She asked quietly.
He felt nervous. He hoped she would interpret the request for what it was. A way to comfort them both. "Um," he still hesitated. "Do you think I could hold you?" He rushed through his explanation before she could say no. "I just, I don't know, it's stupid, but I think it would help me sleep," and more importantly, "I want you to know I'm here with you."
It only took a second for her to scoot closer to him, and he met her in the middle of the bed. She pressed her back into his chest, and he snuggled her head into the space beneath his chin. Just the feeling of the warmth of her body against his was soothing. He dropped his arm over her hip, and she found his hand, lacing her fingers with his.
He felt her sigh and burrow tighter into him. Her warm body had an intoxicating effect, and for the first time in days, he felt drowsy. He fell asleep in seconds.
-000-
Elliot woke up feeling disoriented and groggy. The foreign surroundings made his head pound. It took his foggy brain a minute to piece everything back together. He was in Olivia's apartment. In her bed.
He laid back on the down pillows and listened to the voices on the other side of the door. Noah must have made it home. How long had he been sleeping?
He lifted his wrist above his face and read the time on his watch. Holy shit. 9:25PM. He slept for six hours. It was the longest continuous block of sleep he had for almost a month.
He knew he should get up. He should probably find a way to sneak out of here before Noah noticed his presence in the apartment this late. But his body felt like it was glued to the bed, and his eyes felt like someone had kicked sand into them.
He heard the sounds of Olivia hurrying Noah to bed. He complained and moped about wanting to stay up to finish a movie, but Olivia firmly ushered him to bed.
After a quiet eternity, the bedroom door clicked open. Just her head poked through, but once she noticed he was awake, she slipped through the door. She closed it behind her and leaned back into it, her eyes focused on his.
"Hey," she said, her voice low. She must have readied herself for bed at some point because her face was devoid of make-up, her hair was twisted back into a clip, and she wore some faded leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. She was breathtaking.
He felt a soft smile cross his face, and he patted the space in the bed next to him. He hoped she would accept his invitation, and after a moment of consideration, she did.
She climbed in on her side and slid over to where he lay. She laid on her back, her head on his shoulder. He snuck his arm around her and let his hand rest gently on her hip. She turned her face toward his. "Did you sleep?" Her hope-filled voice touched him immensely. She cared for him. He knew that, and moments like those made him want to throw caution to the wind and kiss her deeply.
He lifted his free arm over his head and eventually rested it on the pillows behind him. "Yes." His voice betrayed him, and he knew all his feelings for her were on obvious display. He leaned his cheek against the top of her head. "Better than I have in months."
Her breath quickened at his implication. She said nothing, but snuggled into him a little more tightly. He could feel some sort of discomfort radiating from her, but it was subtle. He wasn't really sure what she wanted him to do. Did she want him to stay the night or leave? Did she need to talk some more?
Finally, he decided to just ask, "Do you want me to leave?" He kept his voice low, and his lips brushed her hair as he spoke.
His heart pounded at her answer. "No," she said softly. He held her tighter.
He brushed his fingers through her hair. "What's bothering you?" His voice was low and quiet.
She hesitated, and he felt her tense. He prayed she would just tell him. He felt helpless when he had no idea what was going on or what was bothering her. "I'm not sure…" she started, shaking her head. "I don't know if I want to talk about it," her eyes lifted to his, "because I'm not sure I actually want the answer."
He wasn't sure what to do with that. He wasn't sure if she was protecting him or protecting herself, but they needed to talk about whatever was eating at her. "Olivia," he whispered tenderly. His fingers continued to brush through her hair. "I need you to talk to me." Without thinking, his lips swept across her forehead, "Please don't shut me out."
She shook a little in his arms, and he felt nervous. Whatever she worried about was a big deal, at least for her, and he desperately hoped he would get this right.
She seemed stuck. The words sat on her lips as she gathered some courage to finally say what was on her mind. She bit her lip, and her eyes watered. "I need to know." She started, but paused, and he knew she was choking back tears, and he was sick over how he hurt her this time. She closed her eyes, and he watched her take a few breaths before gaining a little more composure. When she tried again, her voice was thick and low. "Why do you want to be with me?"
The answer seemed so obvious, but apparently it wasn't obvious to her. He felt his stomach turn nervously. He hoped this was what she wanted to hear and that it wouldn't scare her away. "I thought it was obvious," he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. "Liv," he said, cupping her face and hoping his eyes could communicate the sincerity of what he was going to say. "I love you, Olivia. I have loved you for a long time."
He felt her take a sharp breath in, but she didn't move, and she didn't say anything either. Her eyes stayed glued to his, as if she were searching for something. She nodded, but then she buried her face into his neck. "I'm worried," she gulped. "I guess worry isn't the right word. It's really stupid, but it hurts me that I have always been your second choice." His heart broke. She was never the second choice.
Before he could reassure her, she continued. "I see that damn ring on your finger, and I remember all those years that," she let out a shaky breath. "All those years that I wanted you." His heart was racing. "I wanted you, but I couldn't have you because you belonged to someone else. There was a part of me that wanted you to choose me, and it's really stupid because you didn't have a choice." Her words came out in a streaming rush. "But I wanted you, and no one else was ever good enough because no one was you. You were always my first choice. The first choice I could never have." Her eyes closed, and he knew she was pressing back more tears.
"And then you left me, and all the hope I ever had was gone. I knew then that you would never choose me, and if, by some miracle, you came back for me, I would always be the second choice. The one you could never want as much as the first." She lifted her tear-filled eyes, and his heart broke at all the pain he read there. "If Kathy hadn't died, I would still be sitting on the back burner. You would still choose her. And I would still be alone. Waiting for something that was never going to happen. And I know it's more complicated than that, but that ring reminds me of my place in your heart, and even with her gone, I'm still the one you loved second best."
She dropped her face into his chest, and her shoulder shook, and he could feel her tears soaking his shirt. He was stunned. How could she think that? How could she ever worry about this? She was his everything. Everything. Everyone knew that, and it astounded him that she didn't.
Her head pressed so hard against his chest that he couldn't pull away to see her face. "Olivia," he said tenderly. "Liv, look at me."
She shook her head and refused to look up. He waited, knowing that she needed to gather herself. He kissed the crown of her head. "Olivia," he breathed, "please?"
He heard her take in a long breath before her eyes slowly drifted to his. Those eyes. Soulful and deep brown, always filled with empathy and love. He loved her so damn much. He couldn't help himself. He softly brushed his lips against hers, and she sighed.
"You were never my second choice." His words came out with a hushed vehemence. "From the minute you walked into my life, I was yours. Body and soul, Liv." He kissed her softly. "It was never her versus you. It's hard to explain, and I made so many mistakes. But it was always meant to be you, but..."
"Your faith," she finished.
"My heart was completely yours, but I felt trapped by the choices I made when I was a child. I made a vow. I made a commitment, and breaking that would have…"
"Completely broke you." She whispered.
"Yeah," his voice cracked. "The problem is," he said, lifting her chin to better see her face. "Leaving you broke me anyway."
She bit her lip, and he knew she hesitated to believe him, to trust him. "Why are you wearing your ring again?" She asked, point blank.
Was that what this was all about? "I thought it might help with all these damn flashbacks," he hesitated. Truth. She needed the truth. "I see her everywhere, and the flashbacks." He shook his head. "It's not because I'm still in love with her, Liv. It's because I feel guilty for loving you." He felt vulnerable and exposed at the admission, "I thought wearing it might ease the guilt and help me sleep, but it hasn't." He looked her straight in the eyes. "I slept better with you in my arms than I have in years." She seemed to be taking it all in, and he wanted to say something else. Something that had burned in his mind for well over a decade.
He thought for a moment before the next words left his lips. "I love you, and I'm making a commitment right here right now." He brushed her beautiful cheek. "I'm in this, Olivia. I promise to never leave. I promise, I'm yours." He felt tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. "I will love you until the last breath leaves my body. I'm yours, body and soul. Forever ."
He nervously waited for her response. The silence felt suffocating, and he thought she might ask him to leave. Instead, her mouth was on his. He felt a flood of emotion and desire he had never felt before. For once in his life, everything felt right.