Author's Notes:

TW:

Mentions of Self Harm

Mentions of Suicide/Suicide Ideology

They're just talking through things in this chapter. Nothing dramatic happens. That's next chapter :D (Would have been this one, but I felt like it was too long and cut it into 2. I'm trying to get over how ridiculously long this fic is. It'll be 150 chapters before it's done at this rate)

Chapter 131:

"Every time I'm in a forest, it looks empty to me… and here you are, finding apples in September," Laxus said, awestruck once again by his love's wildcrafting prowess as Gajeel twisted a few from the branches of a tree, turning them over to inspect them before dropping them one by one into Laxus's waiting hands. His talons were gone, having faded sometime in the night along with his scales. His teeth didn't take up so much room in his mouth, but his canines were still dreadfully sharp, something that would never quite go away now.

"I know these mountains, that's all. And apples ripen all the way into late fall, s'long as the frost don't get 'em first." Gajeel smirked at him, dismissing the compliment, "These are left over from an orchard some bastard tried to start ages ago."

"Why'd he quit?"

"Probably run out by the wolves."

"Wolves?" Laxus asked, vaguely remembering their midnight calls in the distance the past week, "They haven't bothered us any."

"They usually take livestock that wanders this deep in. It's a lot harder to bring back supplies from town without horses."

Laxus pulled his coat closer as a chilly wind ran through the trees. The sun peeked out from the branches, spilling light and warmth over them. It was so much colder here than in Magnolia, but even still he would miss it. He ran his hand over the rough bark of one of the casraine trees, gazing up at its tremendous height. He felt like he was saying goodbye to a friend. It was so strange how melancholic he felt knowing they were leaving.

"When you asked me to run away with you, was this where you wanted to go?" Laxus asked without thinking.

"It was an option," Gajeel replied, dropping down from his perch.

"Oak Town doesn't have a guild anymore," Laxus said, thinking aloud, "Do you think Gramps would open a sister guild out here if I could get Macao to agree to run it?"

"You think Macao would go anywhere without Romeo and Wakaba?"

"Probably not."

"What about you?" Gajeel asked.

Laxus chuckled a bit, "Well, I'd help of course."

"No, Laxus," Gajeel said, his tone serious enough that Laxus looked over at him, confused, "Why don't you run it?"

"Me?" Laxus scoffed.

"Ain't that the end goal? For you ta take over when the old man retires?" Gajeel asked, raising a brow.

Laxus stilled, not able to refute it. He had been trying to learn from Gramps, but he hadn't been actively trying to become the next guildmaster, just trying to be a better man. Maturity was starting to mellow him out and make him realize that Gramps was right about more things than he was wrong. Even their fights about his lacrima had been based in his concern for Laxus. He didn't care if Laxus was a grand wizard or just a man, gay or straight or in between, roaming Fiore or home at the guild, so long as he was happy. Although not perfect, which he never claimed to be, he loved all of Fairy Tail like they were his children. There was a time Laxus had resented that, but now he valued it for what it was. His grandfather had spent his whole life building a home where everyone could be welcome and accepted for who they were. The only time he'd ever excommunicated anyone was when they harmed his family, transgressions only ever committed by the two people he never thought would, his own son and then his grandson. He really didn't appreciate Gramps as much as he should.

"I think that's a long way in the making… if it's coming at all. I broke Gramp's trust pretty hard when I tried to take the guild. Even though he's glad I'm back, he's not the one who let me back in," Laxus said with a shrug, "He'll probably convince Gildarts before he ever picks me."

"I think yer wrong about that," Gajeel replied tilting his head to the side as he studied him, "If you want my honest opinion, though, I don't think Oak Town needs a guild. They're gettin' back on their feet fine. Sal stepped in and filled Phantom's hole pretty well. Any official guild will probably just bump heads with him."

"A shame, that…" Laxus said, turning his gaze back to the tree, "I think I like this place."

"We can't come visit?" Gajeel asked, a smirk tugging at his face, "Build a little cabin up at the top of the mountain? Come out here whenever one of us is in season?"

"In season?" Laxus wrinkled his nose, "Don't say it like that."

"Sound too much like you're being bred?" Gajeel teased, "You don't want to bare my bloodline, Sparky?"

"Do you… want kids?" Laxus asked, furrowing his brow and giving him a funny look, "Of your own?"

"No," Gajeel said, still grinning like a devil, "With our luck, they'd have my hard head and your temper. I'm good."

"Thank the gods… I don't know what I'd do if you told me you did," Laxus chuckled.

"Good to know that's the deal breaker," he said, leading their way down the mountain.

"I would like it thrown out there I don't care about adopting, if that was ever on your mind. Most of my friends growing up were orphans," Laxus clarified, following after him. "Just about everyone at the guild was."

"So, if a kid wanders into Fairy Tail one day asking for parents, scoop them up and take them home?" Gajeel snickered.

"You can't just kidnap someone, obviously," Laxus laughed.

"Damn, there goes my whole plan," Gajeel said sarcastically.

"I'm just saying it's not the idea of raising a kid with you I'm against." Laxus said, feeling like somehow he was insulting him by voicing this all out loud, "It's the process of having one of our own I'm not keen on."

"I'm sure Mira would carry yer child for ya if you asked." Gajeel replied, his tone and face completely casual, as if they were still discussing the apples they'd picked. Did Laxus miss something? Surely, he didn't mean…

"You'd be ok with me knocking up Mirajane?" Laxus asked, dubious.

"If you wanted kids that bad."

"You know there are other ways than just the traditional way, right?" Laxus asked, not sure why he was still pursuing this. He should probably just shut up. Why was it he always talked so much about things that didn't matter but clammed up over anything important?

"Nope," Gajeel barked out a laugh and shook his head, "Honestly, Laxus, I've never wanted to have a tiny bastard runnin' around. I've always used more than one form of protection… and if ya asked me if I'd even have this conversation five years ago, the answer would be no. I won't rob you of the option if that's what ye want, though. If Hajime can be a dad, guess I can't be much worse than him at it, can I?"

"Oh…" Laxus said, a fiendish thought making him smirk behind Gajeel's back where he couldn't catch him. "Well then, if you're alright with it, there are potions that can change your sex, you know… with all the functional parts. They wear off, though, so you have to take them over a long time…"

Laxus started, and it was all worth it to see Gajeel stop in his tracks and look back at him, eyes wide with shock at the implications of what he'd said. It took everything in him to keep a straight face as red flushed Gajeel's cheeks. He looked at him closely, trying to tell if he was joking, before beginning to stutter.

"You… do you…? Have you thought…? Laxus…" if Gajeel wasn't so clearly unnerved, he would have laughed, "Do you… want us to…? You don't, do you? They have ta be… genetically ours?"

When Laxus didn't respond and just watched him stoically, the color drained from his face. The blonde folded immediately.

"No, no, no… I'm kidding," Laxus rushed out, trying not to laugh, "I didn't realize that would scare you that bad."

"I ain't scared," he snapped, but the relieved sigh spoke otherwise. He glared at Laxus when he finally broke out into uncontrollable laughter.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was mean." Laxus ran up next to him as he turned on his heel and stomped off, "No, I wouldn't ask you to do something that... drastic."

"Great, glad we agree," he replied tightly.

"Wouldn't knock up Mira, either," Laxus said, trying to ease him with his own good mood, "and I'm still shocked you'd be ok with that."

Gajeel huffed but shrugged, "I ain't the jealous type."

"Even if I'm sleeping with my ex-girlfriend?" he asked, exasperated, "Multiple times? To get her pregnant?"

"I'm sorry, who was it that you begged to fuck you out in the middle of the woods? Over and over again, until we were both exhausted?" Gajeel asked, finally looking at him, "Who was it that convinced you to let loose when you've been pent up for twenty-four years? Unless yer tellin' me Mirajane has a pretty little mark from you somewhere on her body, too?"

"Heh, no… I've never done anything… like that… with anyone…" Laxus said, running his thumb over the studs in his ear, now much more apparent since his hair was clean and styled, "I don't let go. Ever."

"Well," Gajeel said, resuming his march, "there ya go."

"Not at all?" Laxus asked, "You've never been jealous? Ever? I feel like I get jealous all the time."

"Don't know why. I'm so crazy about ya it's obscene." Gajeel said, "But yer a possessive man. I get that."

For some reason, that stung, "I… feel insulted?"

Gajeel shot him a questioning glance, "I didn't mean it in a bad way, fairy. I like it when yer possessive. Think it's kinda cute."

"I'm not insulted about that… it's that you're not possessive of me?" Laxus asked.

"Should I be?" Gajeel narrowed his eyes at him.

"Maybe… a little…?"

"You want me to treat you like an object?" Gajeel curled his lip a little. "Tell you who you can see? Talk to? Tell ya what to do?"

"No! No." Laxus huffed, agitated, "That's not what I mean. Just… be a little jealous."

"I ain't got a reason to be jealous. I'm not insecure," Gajeel said matter-of-factly, "I know I'm the best person you've ever had. Ain't no man or dame gonna change that."

Laxus clicked his teeth in annoyance, "You saying I'm insecure?"

Gajeel raised a studded brow at him, his look sly.

"I'm not insecure."

"Says the man who asked if he was too vanilla for my taste?" Gajeel simpered over at him, his tone slick, "Who kept sayin' I'd leave you for Levy?"

Laxus blushed, "She just seemed… more your style."

"After all the times she used me ta get back at her boy? Hah, maybe if I were just a dog desperate for a bone," he rolled his eyes and then smirked, "Speaking of, I finally had it out with Jet."

"So you two did fight?" Laxus asked.

"What? No." he laughed, "I told him what I told you."

"Which was…?"

"You were my first choice, not Levy." Gajeel said, "Shoulda seen the look on his face when I told him I chose to plan a date with you to Edelweiss instead of stay the night with her."

Laxus blushed, "I… didn't realize I was your first choice."

Gajeel gave him an odd look, "Did ya think I couldn't tell she was throwin' herself at me?"

Laxus, blushing harder, shrugged. "You kept saying you weren't good enough for her… dunno, felt like maybe I was the next option."

"You're kidding," Gajeel said, no humor in the way he spoke. He looked Laxus up and down. He let out a sigh, running his fingers through his hair, "Mîn luz, it wasn't that I didn't think you were as good as her. It was that I didn't think I deserved a choice at all. You or her or anyone else. And then you came in and…"

"…and?" Laxus prompted, reaching forward to lace his fingers into Gajeel's.

"And then I had no choice but you."

Laxus smiled a little, leaned down and kissed the back of his hand. He could smell the sweet juice of the apples he'd picked, taste it on his bottom lip when he worried his tongue against it. He didn't want to leave the forest.

"I have gotten jealous, Laxus. I just try not ta let ya know it." Gajeel confessed. "Don't wanna seem clingy."

"You have?" Laxus asked, immediately intent on finding out more, "When?"

"When Mirajane was all over you the night we sang for the ladies' night… and recently, because of somethin' Bix said."

Laxus's stomach turned at his name, but it wasn't so angry anymore. It was something more nervous, more akin to dread. He'd have to talk to him when they got back to town. He'd have to try and fix their friendship. They both would. And Laxus still wasn't sure they could.

"What, um… what did he say?" Laxus asked.

Gajeel watched him knowingly. "Not sure you really wanna hear it, if I'm honest."

Laxus sighed, "Just tell me, Gajeel."

"Him and Freed have been hooking up," he began and Laxus nodded, "Bix finally broke it off because Freed said your name."

"Eh?" Laxus said, not understanding.

Gajeel watched him steadily, "While they were hooking up, Laxus, Freed said your name instead of... Bickslow."

Laxus stopped walking and his brain stopped working. The feeling of betrayal snapped so hard in his chest it nearly took his breath away.

"What?" he snarled. He couldn't even feel good about Gajeel being jealous. He was just horrified.

"Oh yeah, made me wanna knock out his teeth," Gajeel said with a forced lightheartedness, laughing like it wasn't a big deal even though they both knew it was. His next words were even worse, chewed up, swallowed and regurgitated lacking the spite Laxus was sure would have been there, "You're a popular guy, Sparky, I mean... how many fan girls do ya think hang onto your magazine covers for the same reason?"

"My friend...? One of my best friends! I trusted him."

Laxus couldn't believe it. He didn't want to. He swore and kicked the dirt, agitated and hurt and what the actual hell?

Didn't that just snap everything into focus? No wonder Bickslow was pissed, why he'd said he couldn't stack up to Laxus, why he'd taken it all out on him. How long had Freed been pitting them against each other and he'd been none the wiser because to him it just sounded like Freed's usual accolades? How had he been so blind this whole time? He'd seen it in Bickslow more than once, how he'd drawn back from him, how he'd seemed down when he was usually so carefree. And Freed... Freed. Could he believe anything about their friendship at this point? He'd been avoiding him to spare himself the rude comments directed towards Gajeel, because he hadn't wanted to get angry with him. Now he realized if he'd confronted him about it all sooner, maybe it never would have happened at all.

Maybe Gajeel wasn't wrong. Maybe he'd been subject to women's, and even men's, attentions because he was a strong wizard who'd been featured in a magazine one too many times. But that wasn't supposed to happen with people he knew. That wasn't supposed to happen with his friends. Were they even friends at all? Did Freed even see him or just whatever fantasy was in his head? At least Bickslow had shown remorse in the end. At least he was devastated over the idea their friendship was over. Freed didn't act like he'd done anything wrong at all.

"Fuck." Laxus said, his heart dropping, "I think the Raijinshuu is done."

"Don't say that, Sparky. Give it some time. Freed needs to figure his shit out, and I think he's close. Showed up that night, I'm guessin', because he felt like shit for what he'd done. I just sorta threw a wrench in everything. You and Bix can make amends if ya try hard enough, and Evergreen will probably help seein' how she doesn't want you all fallin' apart either."

"What if I can't get past it?" Laxus murmured, "Freed has been…? Thinking those things? About me? And what Bickslow did to you would have been wrong anyway, but knowing what happened to you? What if I can't forgive him? Either of them?"

"You've been friends for how long?" Gajeel asked, making light of something Laxus thoroughly didn't want to make light of, "You're going to have a fallin' out over frat boy drama? Just some teenaged bullshit?"

"Yeah. I guess we are." Laxus said, trying not to get too angry at Gajeel's dismissiveness.

Gajeel was quiet a moment, watching him, "We also had a lotta issues we were able to work past, yanno."

"Only because you never resented me... which you had every right to," Laxus responded, "But I resent them. Both of them. Who treats their friends like that? They both used each other and hurt each other, and then we got caught in their crossfire."

"Well, it ain't my business. They aren't my friends. But in my experience? Hurt people, hurt people," Gajeel said, "We've also done things that hurt the people around us because we were hurting too."

"Not like this," Laxus argued.

Gajeel chuckled a bit sardonically, "I tried to kill myself, Laxus... more than once. I didn't see it at the time, but I know now it would have hurt a lot of people. And you, too, lash out and uh... shut down."

Laxus furrowed his brow, "Mira also said that... that I shut down."

"You do. I think I get why. Because you're so scared of losin' control, you've learned to hold it all in real well. Arguin' with you gets scary because ya can't tell what's going on in yer head," Gajeel said, trying to ease into this conversation gently, like it'd been on his mind for a while and he just didn't know how to tell him, "Even when you were tellin' me to calm down, it just felt like... I dunno, talkin' to stone. It made me angrier because I was losing my shit and it looked like you didn't care."

"I cared..." Laxus said quietly, defending himself weakly because he knew the truth already, "I did, I just... I didn't know what to do. I just freeze, I don't know why. Even when I know I should do something I can't."

"It's your fear of hurtin' somebody," Gajeel shrugged, "You shut down and then you avoid it. It can't make ya angry, you can't lose control if you don't face the feelings in the first place. If you're quiet, you can't lash out."

Laxus stared down at his boots. Damn. He had him pegged.

"Figure all that out on your own, did ya?" Laxus said, bewildered.

"If there's one thing I know about, it's destructive behaviors," Gajeel chuckled a little, "The good doctor thinks I should use it to find purpose in life."

"Like what? Be a counselor?" Laxus asked, only joking a little bit.

"Somethin' like that," Gajeel said, "Or a mentor or something. I told her I was helpin' with Serrill's suicide prevention program, but she thinks I should do more. Too much of it, though, eh, gives me the itch."

Laxus was confused, "The itch?"

"To cut myself," Gajeel replied simply, shocking Laxus with his nonchalance, "Makes me crave the catharsis of it."

"You don't... when we... I dug my claws into you wasn't...? Was it?" Laxus stumbled through his words and Gajeel gave him a sympathetic smile.

"No, fairy, that's different."

"Right... that's... different."

"Pain and pleasure, fairy, you know what that's like. It feels nice?" his voice was warm and soft as velvet and Laxus fidgeted with the pack on his shoulder, feeling that same warmth of his voice coiling his stomach.

"Right, yeah." he muttered.

"Cutting myself ain't a pleasure, thing. It's a control, thing." Gajeel replied coolly, but Laxus was just more befuddled.

"When I shut down, it's a control thing?" Laxus said, trying to parse through and follow what Gajeel was saying. "I don't want to... hurt myself."

"Ok, so, it's like... yeah, we both have control issues but they're different. You have to control yourself, right? You're scared that if you don't, you'll hurt someone. So when you feel like you can't handle something, you shut down so you can't lose control. You don't feel your emotions, you lock them up, and then you avoid what caused them. I ain't in your head, but I'm guessin' you never told me about how you felt about Kahli, or the lacrima, or anything else because it made you upset and you avoided it. When we argued after our first date? You shut down then, too, and because the rejection hurt you went to Mira... because she wouldn't... reject you. And she didn't." Gajeel paused and laughed a little, "I got jealous about that one, too, if you remember."

Laxus was speechless. It made so much sense. How had he never realized he handled things that way before? He thought he was staying put together, living up to expectations, being normal. But this whole time he was just shutting down? Avoiding his problems? And Gajeel had been the one to figure it out? After they'd only been dating a little more than a year? He didn't even think Mira put that together, and they'd known each other intimately for over a decade! What the fuck?

"My control issues aren't about controlling myself but the lack of control I have around me," Gajeel continued, completely blind to the fact he'd just rocked Laxus's entire perception of himself, "Different things trigger different reactions. When I feel bad I want to feel good. Sex, alcohol, drugs... even smoking, they drown out the noise in my head. Drinkin' I usually lean on when I don't want to remember something, avoidance. The cutting is more a depression, thing, I think. It comes out when I feel like shit, like I deserve it. Self-degradation, self-hate. And it like builds up. Starts out like an itch and gets real intense, like I have to in order to feel better. So smokin' gets dangerous when I'm like that cuz it's easy to-"

He stopped mid-sentence because of Laxus's obvious discomfort. He scratched at the back of his head bashfully.

"Ah... sorry, Sparky. I forget this kinda shit ain't normal for... most people."

"No, I'm fine," Laxus said quickly, "I'm listening, I promise. I just... don't know what to say. You don't want to... you're not... suicidal? Are you?"

"No. The hurting myself stuff doesn't mean I want to kill myself. It's control, remember?" Gajeel assured him, "Anyway, hearin' people talk about wanting to die also makes me crave it. I'm lettin' out the... the need. I want the relief. The satisfaction. I need to feel the pain, see blood, and let it out. Control, I can control it. It's... control."

He sighed, exasperated and itching his wrist, "I can't really describe it right. If you know, you know. If you don't... you don't."

Laxus looked at him apologetically, "I think you did a good job. Don't think you've been able to put it that well before."

"Doctor Alexi is real big on mindfulness. That's why she makes us write all the time," Gajeel said, waving his hand dismissively, "If we learn what triggers things, we can find the root of it. Fix it or find alternatives."

"You sound annoyed but... it works." Laxus pointed out.

"I guess..." Gajeel conceded, "All that to say, if you want it, you can fix the issues with the Raijinshuu... and be a better team for it. But it'll take some work given how shitty you've all been to each other. Except Evergreen. Used to think she was just some bossy pick-me girl, but she's the least problematic one outta all of you."

"Even me?' Laxus asked, cracking a small smile.

"Especially you," Gajeel teased back.

"I'm sorry, Gajeel," Laxus said sincerely, "About what Bickslow did. What he's been doing to you. I always just dismissed it as him being an ass but... and Freed, too. I should have put a stop to it months ago."

"Freed don't bother me," Gajeel said, though he was growing more somber, "Bix, though... I don't think I wanna be alone with him again."

"Then you won't be," Laxus said protectively, stepping close to him as he did and entwining their hands, "I won't leave your side when he's around. Or, I won't leave his. Whichever you want. You won't be alone with him again."

"I ain't a damsel who needs protection, Laxus," Gajeel said, "I can take care of myself."

"No... of course you don't need protection. You don't need me. You don't need anyone," Laxus replied, kissing his hand, his words turning deadly serious as static ignited in his blood, the pulse of their promise coming to life in his veins, "But let me anyway. You can tell everyone it's just me and my goddamn pride, me being possessive and jealous, whatever you want. But let me keep you safe. He can't stop me even with Figure Eyes. He can't withstand me. No one can. If I'm there, no one can touch you."

"I don't think he really wants to, especially after what you did to him," Gajeel smirked a little, returning his kiss a little hotter against his wrist. He winked, full of mischief, "You need ta watch that god complex. I'll start callin' ya Raijin if you don't."

"Oh, fucks sakes...!" Laxus cringed, pulling his hand away and ignoring how Gajeel devolved into raucous laughter, "Never! Never call me that!"

"Oh, Raijin..." he crooned in a sing-song voice, "Let me feel your light, let me speak your name, my god of the night, my god of the rain. Let this righteous song thunder to proclaim tempest comes at dawn, all eyes fixed upon my god of the rain..."

"I was a kid!" Laxus damn near put his hands over his ears to quiet Gajeel's singing, "I thought it sounded badass."

"And I am singing your praises!" Gajeel laughed, "Want me to sing another?"

"Mavis' sakes, please no...!"

"When I fall, oh, you save me, baby. In your heart of the fire, your eye of the storm. You come rolling in on chariots! When I'm down and out for the count, you make me stronger. Turn me into a warrior, a hunter..."

"How many songs about storms do you know?" Laxus wrinkled his nose at him.

"Oh, so many. I'll quote 'em to ya all day if ya want, swête weder."

Gajeel grinned so wide his eyes crinkled at the sides. They sparkled in the sun, catching in the light the way only genuine happiness can, and suddenly Laxus didn't care about his embarrassment anymore. Suddenly, all he wanted was to make him smile like that again.

"How am I supposed to argue when you smile like that?" Laxus said, smiling in kind. Red tinged Gajeel's cheeks.

"Ever heard Storm Comin'?" he asked, surprising Laxus by the way he didn't try to change the subject. It made his heart race.

"Can't say I have."

Of course he had. It was a popular folk song he'd heard in many a bar when he'd been wandering across Fiore in exile, aimless and alone. But he'd never tell Gajeel that, especially if it meant Gajeel would sing it for him.

"Sing it for me?"

Gajeel's smile simmered down to a smirk, a look like he was onto him. But he didn't say anything. Instead, the quiet of the forest was broken by the full tones of his voice, the twang of an accent used to speaking with teeth more than tongue. Laxus followed his love onto the dirt path that led to Oak Town to the sound of Gajeel serenading him not to run from the coming storm, to let rain wash away his trouble, to lose himself in the flash of lights and roar thunder, to answer love's call and open the door to it, because there's no use in running from the coming storm. Nothing can stop the storm from coming.