Chapter 5

I stand on a dock…the dock. Pieces fall away into the partially frozen lake as a figure approaches me.

"Why did you do it, Alyson? Why did you kill me?" I hear my mother's voice.

"I didn't mean to," I call out, my voice sounding like a scared child's. "I just was trying to protect Tyler!"

"If you had listened to a word I said you would know I wasn't going to hurt him," Mary Ann's voice hardens. "You were just the emotional little girl you always were going along with everything your brother did."

"There's our favorite back stabber," I hear Tom's voice say as something sinks into my back. I gasp, pulling scissors out of my back. My eyes widen as I feel strength start to fade.

"Be careful, Tom," Mary Ann says. "She said she was just like me and I don't think I was a back stabber."

"Oh, don't worry," Tom growls. "She is nothing like you. She's a monster in and of herself. And she's about to get everything she deserves." He shoves me and I stumble to the edge of the dock. Unable to find the strength to keep myself balanced, I fall backwards into the icy water. I hear Tom and Mary Ann laughing from the dock above as voices fill my head.

"You're getting what you deserve," Uncle Eddy's voice sounds in my ear.

"You're a monster," Michael's voice echoes.

"I finally am free from your attacks and resentment," Tyler says in our voice. "If you will recall, I took the blame for YOU! And you resent me for getting help when you're the one who murdered our mother? Good riddance."

I gasp, trying to call out and say something but water rushes into my lungs. Everything around me fades away as the last words I hear are, "Go to hell."

I gasp but don't sit up in bed. I feel my breath quicken as I assess my surroundings. Avi's room…I'm okay. I clutch the blanket closer as the fear from the dream grips me in a vice, followed by the dread and guilt. Are they wrong though? I think to myself. I gulp back tears as I curl in further to myself. This isn't the first dream like that I've had this week.

"Hey Aly!" Avi calls out as I hear footsteps approaching the bedroom. I barely look up from my spot laying down on the air mattress as Avi walks in, "I have to go get some work done in my classroom today but Chloe has the day off. Do you want to come up with me or stay here and hang out with Chloe?"

"I'll stay here," I mumble. "I'm not feeling too great today anyway. My stomach feels like it's in knots."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Avi says as she crouches down and feels my forehead. "Could I bring you up anything?"

I shake my head, "Thank you though."

"Of course," Avi says. "Just holler for Chloe if you need anything. Maybe you guys could chill and watch movies today so you can rest." I simply nod as she walks out of the room, "Call me if you need me."

"I will," I say as I close my eyes again. I hear Avi's footsteps walk away and an image from my dream flashes in my mind and my eyes pop back open. When will the nightmares ever stop?

I'm not sure how long I laid on the mattress when Chloe pokes her head in. "Hey, just checking in," she says gently, walking over to crouch down in front of me. "How are you feeling?"

"Like crap," I mumble. Just not physically, I think to myself.

"Well, I need to run to the store," Chloe says running her fingers through my hair. "Do you think getting out would help you feel better?" I shake my head. "Did you need anything from the store?" she asks.
I shake my head again. "Thank you though," I say softly.

"Alright well if you think of anything, call me," Chloe says as she smooths my hair and walks out. I hear her footsteps pause before she turns and says, "I love you, Al."

"Love you too, Chlo'," I answer. I look up and see her smile as she walks out. Another flash from my dream appears in my mind's eye and I squeeze my eyes shut. God, why won't they just go away?

"You know the only way they will," a voice says in my head, one that sounds like Mary Ann. "You know the only way you can be free from this. And now may be your only chance."

I glance back up at the x-acto knife on Avi's desk and my pad of notebook paper next to it. I nod. I stand up and walk to the hook Avi keeps her bedroom key on. I grab it and walk back into the room, shutting the door behind me. My hand hovers above the handle. Is this really what you want to do, Alyson? I hesitate, before furrowing my brow and flipping the lock.

I let out a defeated sigh as I pace the house, another call to Alyson going to voicemail. Something feels off…I just want to talk to her. I dial her number again, grumbling when it again goes to voicemail. "Aly, are you there?" I ask in my Voice. No response. "I guess I'll try Avi," I sigh. "Maybe Aly's working in her classroom again."

I dial Avi's number and after a couple rings, I hear a frustrated, "Hello?"

"Hey Avi," I say, furrowing my brow a bit at her tone, "it's Tyler. Everything okay?"

"Oh, hey Ty!" she answers. "Yeah, sorry, I got an email that we have a required trainings and all this paper work to go with it so I'm a little frustrated."

"That sounds dumb," I chuckle.

"It is!" Avi laughs. "It's stuff we do every year! Why do we need to do it again with a ton of paper work?" She lets out a frustrated sigh before asking, "So, what's up?"

"I was just checking in…again," I say with a nervous chuckle.

"Alyson refusing to answer her phone again?" Avi asks and I can almost hear the eyeroll.

"You guessed it," I sigh.

"She's actually chilling with Chloe today," Avi says. "Chloe had the day off but I had to come up to the school to get some work done. Alyson decided to stay with Chloe. She said she didn't feel good when she got up."

"Oh gotcha," I say. "I hope she feels better! How has she been otherwise?"

Avi lets out a sigh, "I'm worried. I've seen this…the withdrawing and isolating and sleeping constantly. It's…it's not good. I've been very purposeful about not leaving her alone but…"

"She's about to hit a breaking point?" I ask, my voice anxious.

"Yeah," Avi says. "And I've seen this go one of two ways. Meltdown and she lets everything out or…"

I pull my phone away from my ear and squeeze it. I swallow hard…I know what she's about to say. I take a shaky breath and say, "What do you think she'll do?"

"I think with how much she has isolated herself about this…" Avi pauses and lets out a shaky breath. "I'm just hoping that if she's not left alone then we'll catch it and she'll talk to us then. I just am at a loss of what else to do…because committing her would kill her."

"I know," I say. I hang my head, swallowing back a sob caught in my throat. "I hate not knowing what to do."

"Me too," Avi says sympathetically. I hear a rustle on the phone before she says, "Hey, Chloe's calling me. Let me see what she wants and I'll call you back."

"Okay," I answer as the line goes dead. I shove my hands in my pockets as I pace the house again. Why won't she just let someone in? It has to be better than holding it all in. The phone rings and I sigh in relief when I see Avi's name. "Hey Avi," I answer.

"Tyler," Avi's shaky voice comes over the phone, "Alyson locked herself in my room with the key. Chloe can't get in and Alyson won't answer her."

"…what?" I say, trying to compute what's happening.

"I have the other key and I'm leaving the school now," she says, fear evident in her voice. "God, don't let me be too late," I hear her whisper.

"What can I do?" I ask frantically.

"I tried calling her and she won't answer," she says. "I don't know if she would answer Michael but I don't know how long she was in there before Chloe realized the door was locked."

"God no…" I breathe, my hands starting to shake. "Please dear God no."

"I'm on my way," I say. "Let me get off here so I can drive. One of us will call you as soon as I get in the room."

"O-okay," I say, my voice quivering.

"Call Michael," Avi says. "You don't need to be alone."

"You'll call me as soon as you know?" I ask.

"Yes, of course I will," she says. "But let me get off here. Call Michael, okay? I love you." The line goes dead and I sink to the floor and just shake.

I finally build the courage to dial Michael's number. It rings once before I hear, "Hey Ty, what's up?"

"It's Aly," I choke out.

There is a pause. I hear faint noises in the background before I hear keys jingle. "What do you mean?" Michael asks and I hear fear in his voice like I've never heard before.

"She's locked herself in her room," I sob. "Chloe can't get in and they're not sure how long she's been in there. She's not answering and Avi is the only one with the key and she just found out and left the school."

"I'm coming home," Michael says, his voice now shaky. "Are they calling you once they get in?"

"Yeah," I mutter barely above a whisper. "Is this it? Am I losing my sister?"

"No, you don't get to go there yet," Michael says firmly but his voice isn't quite convinced. "No worst case scenario until we know. I'm staying on the line with you until I get home. I need to hear you."

"Please hurry," I plead.

My eyes first land on the x-acto knife. No puppy dog eyes to stop me now, I think to myself. I take the sheath off and roll my sleeves up. I slide the blade across my forearms, leaving crimson lines all across my arm. The normal numbing relief that I feel at the physical pain doesn't come. I make deeper cuts and still…no relief. The guilt and dread burn at my stomach like acid and I slash my arm again in an attempt to distract from the pain but it's all in vain.

"I can't take this," I sob as I put my face in my hands. I look at my notebook and pen. Could I do it? I pull the paper towards me and write "Dear Chloe" at the top. And from there, the words begin to flow. A few stray tears fall onto the letter but there is almost a relief in writing it. It's going to be over…all of this will be over. Avi's flows out next, then Michael's and still, relief is the biggest thing I feel. I write Uncle Eddy's name at the top of the next page and a sob escapes my chest before I even realize it's there. Guilt rises in my chest again as I push through the letter. "What are you doing, Alyson?" a voice in my head rings out. Shaking my head, tears splashing onto the pages. I can't keep living like this. Finally, I write "Dear Tyler" at the top of the last page and I freeze. Tyler…can I do this to him? Memories flash through my mind's eye, including him finding me on the floor the day that started all of this. "This will kill him!" the voice in my head calls out.

"Aly! You in there?" Chloe calls out as she knocks on the door. I hear the doorhandle jiggle. "Why is the door locked?" her voice calls out. "Are you in there? Answer me!" She knows…it's now or never.

I look down at the piece of paper. I furrow my eyebrows. "He was fine without me for ten years," I whisper hatefully. "He has Michael now. He will survive." I set the pen to the paper and hesitate again before I begin to write. My heart aches through every word but eventually, it's written. I let out a sigh, looking down at my sliced arms, now scabbed over. I look over at the x-acto knife and let out a sigh. I stare at the blade, already covered in blood. "This is it," I whisper to myself as I hover the blade over my wrist.

And then, the sound of a key sliding into a lock echoes through the room.

"Tyler!" Michael calls out as the door slams open. "Where are you?" I hear his footsteps into the kitchen but I can't muster the strength to call out from the floor, a puddle of tears under my face. I hear his footsteps approach and stop behind me. He crouches down and pulls me into his arms, "I'm here, Ty. I'm here," he says as I wrap my arms around him.

"I knew there was something off when I got up today," I whisper. "I should have pushed more. I should have-"

"You are not going to blame yourself, you hear me?" Michael says as he pulls my face to meet his. "Nothing about this is your fault. We've all done everything we can do. This isn't anyone's fault." He kisses the top of my head as I rest my head against his chest, sighing at the sound of his heartbeat. "They haven't called, have they?" he asks. I shake my head. "You're not alone, you hear me?" His voice tries to remain calm but I can hear the fear in his voice. I squeeze him tighter.

The most anticipated and dreaded noise rings out; the buzzing of my phone. I look up at Michael and he nods as I grab it and see Chloe's name. He grabs my hand, "I'm here." I nod and press answer and then speaker.

"Ty?" Chloe says. "You there?"

"Yeah," I say shakily.

"She's alive," she breathes. "Her arms are all cut up but not bad enough for an ER trip. But she's breathing, she's still here."

"Oh, thank God," Michael says. I can't even think of words as sobs of relief shake out of me. Michael pulls me in tighter. "She's okay, she's okay."

"Avi's talking to her now," Chloe says. "I don't know what she's going to do for sure but she's got her. She's safe."

"Thank you for calling us, Chloe," Michael says. "I don't think you realize how relieved we are."

"Oh, I have an idea," she responds. "Are you okay, Ty?"

"I thought I was going to lose my sister," I choke out. "I thought you were going to tell me she was dead." I let out another sob.

"Not today you aren't," Chloe says. "She's alive, she's safe, she's physically okay." A pause fills the room before she asks, "Do you need me to stay on the phone with you?"

"No, I've got him," Michael says. "Thank you, Chloe."

"Of course," she says. "I'll keep you guys posted." The line goes dead.

"What now?" I ask. "She attempted suicide…or was going to anyway. Where do we go from here?"

"I'm not sure honestly," Michael answers. "But we will figure it out. One step at a time."

The door bursts open as Avi steps through, a terrified look on her face. I see her scan the desk; from the letters, the drops of tears and blood, and finally the x-acto knife hovering over my wrist. She slides her hand underneath it and gently holds my wrist. "I'm not letting you do this," she says softly but firmly. I look up at her, tears rimming my eyes. "Can you give me the knife?" she asks calmly, holding out her hand. I hesitate, before gently laying the knife in her hand. She hands it back to Chloe, standing just behind her. I collapse out of the chair and onto my knees and start to sob. Avi sits on the ground beside me and pulls me into her arms. She turns to Chloe behind her and says, "Call Tyler. Let him know she's alive."

"I can't take anymore of this," I sob into Avi's shoulder.

"Anymore of what, Al?" she asks softly.

"The pain," I answer. "All I feel is guilt and dread all the time. It's a constant, unbearable ache in my chest and if I don't feel that then I'm so numb it feels empty. And the nightmares…I just keep seeing my mom and Tom telling me that I'm a murderer and any other awful thing I've thought about myself. I don't know how much more of it I can take."

"Why wouldn't you talk to us?" Avi asks, still maintaining a gentle tone. "We're here to help you and we love you."

"I couldn't bear to let it out," I mutter. "It was too painful to endure let alone voice it."

"Oh, Aly," Avi says, holding me tighter. "I'm sorry you carried this all alone."

"Are you going to have me committed?" I ask, fear in my voice.

Avi sighs, "I don't want to. But I can't risk this happening again. You can't bottle everything up and put us and Michael and Tyler through this again."

"They know?" I ask, almost ashamed. Avi nods.

"I tell you what," Avi says, "if I can trust you to talk to us and share what's going on so you're not bottling it up again, I won't have you committed. Can you promise me that? Will you talk to us?"

"I think so," I whisper.

"Cause if at any point I see you even starting to spiral like this," Avi says firmly, "I'll have to. Okay?"

"Okay," I say, somewhat confidently. Avi holds me close again resting her head on mine as she rubs my back.

"You think we can get you all cleaned up?" Avi asks. I nod and she stands up and gently helps me up, trying to be mindful of my cuts. I let out a shaky sigh. As low as I feel right now, there is a part of me that feels like there is a glimmer of hope.