Chapter 16

Mac was sore. Deliciously sore in the way only amazing sex could make you so. She stretched languorously and when she turned to her side, dazzling blue eyes stared back at her. He'd been watching her sleep. Although Harm couldn't say for how long.

"Hey."

"Hi." She sighed against his lips when he leaned in and kissed her. Any fears of uncomfortable morning afters or thoughts of regrets melted away when he pulled her closer and pressed his forehead to hers.

They melted into one another and held on out of fear this would suddenly slip away. Only the heavy tapping of rain against the window had Harm releasing his hold to reach across and pull back the curtain.

"Ugh, it's still raining. We're staying put for a while." The idea of heading out to drive the narrowboat in this weather was unappealing.

"Don't we have to move the boat?"

Harm shook his head. "Nope. You can stay in one place for about two weeks. You just can't drive the canal at night, there's not enough lights to see where you're going." He cringed at the idea of navigating the locks in the dark or ramming into one of the many pedestrian bridges. "I'd rather wait and see if this passes, getting soaked a third time isn't high on my list."

And he was warm and cozy with an incredible woman laying next to him, what could be better? Her soft skin felt like heaven as his fingers traced down Mac's spine to her six. Her lips were full and sweet; he loved kissing her. "Where you going?"

She pulled away and climbed over him to hop out of bed. "Bathroom."

Mac was nude and clearly not self-conscious considering how she walked off without even bothering to cover herself. The dreary day made the houseboat a little dark despite the daylight but he could still pick out the finer parts of her incredible body. Like her six which he happily admired, unabashed to be caught staring when Mac returned. "See something you like?"

"Yep, I do. Did I mention how gorgeous I think you are?" She slipped back into bed and came up beside him with skin that was peppered in goosebumps. "You're freezing."

"It's cold in here." Mac shivered a little and smiled when Harm drew her closer and tucked the sheets around them.

"Better?"

"Getting there. I think a kiss might help."

"Yeah? I think so too." A kiss and a few other things Harm had in mind. He gently rolled Mac onto her back and his body covered hers. Thighs instinctively parted to cradle his body and without warning, her small hand was wrapping around Harm guiding him into her once again. "You're insatiable."

"Says the man who's hard as a rock." And he was because just the barest tease from her could arouse him. She gasped when he pushed inside in one thrust. "God, I want you."

"I want you too."

It was later in the day when Mac stepped out of the shower and dressed quickly knowing that if she stayed nude much longer, early dinner would be abandoned for other activities. Her stomach was already protesting and, sadly, living in love was not doing a good enough job to stop that appetite.

As expected, Harm stood at the kitchen counter chopping the potato and leeks he'd picked at a local farmer's market. Two chicken breasts were being roasted in the oven and the smell was making her already aching tummy rumble a little more.

"I can't believe it's still raining." She stated while glancing out of one of the windows to see the wet stuff had slowed but not ended. It made driving the narrowboat particularly difficult and Harm had found it best they ride out the storm rather than try to traverse the next span of their journey. A clap of thunder made them both jump and Mac giggled at the absurdity of a grown woman fearing a little rumble.

"I used to be terrified of thunder when I was a kid."

She leaned against the counter and watched him work, loving how his strong hands expertly cut through each vegetable. "I think we all were. When I was little I would cry every time a bad storm came. My dad would carry me back to their bedroom, put me in between him and my mom." Mac smiled sadly, "It's one of those good memories I have of them together before…before everything became fucked up."

Harm set the knife down when her arms wrapped around his middle and she held onto him as if were her anchor. His hands were wiped with a kitchen towel and when he turned into her embrace, Mac's head settled on his chest. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault." She murmured against his chest.

"I know but, I hate that life wasn't fair to you." His was something of a charmed life. Despite missing his father, Harm would want for very little. He kissed the crown of her head and considered an alternative. "Then again, maybe you would have had this wonderful life, never joined the Marines - we may have never met."

She glanced up at him and grinned. "I think our ships would have crossed somewhere, somehow." A bright lightning bolt made her jump and Mac's eyes instinctively shut while she waited for the crashing rumble to follow. It made him hold her a little together and the absurdity of the moment made her chuckle. "Some Marine I am, afraid of a little rain and thunder."

"A few years ago, each time the skies got gray I'd…panic a little, I guess…PTSD and all, it kinda sticks to you and rears its head in the oddest ways." His voice was solemn and sad and when Mac raised her head to look at him she found his eyes fixed on a spot out the window. The far away glare made her shiver a little.

She would have questioned his comment and at first assumed it was the ramp strike he was alluding to until another clap of thunder made him jump. Behind closed eyes Mac saw a vision of a lone raft floating in a storm tossed sea, its owner being pulled down beneath the waves, his neck being scored by shroud lines.

"I've stood on the fan deck hundreds of times just watching the ocean. Never imagined how pitch black it actually is out there." No matter how much training the Navy put him through, the real thing was impossible to simulate. Honestly, most planes would not be flying through such a powerful storm that worsened the farther away they flew from the carrier.

For a bird that was supposed to have the capabilities to survive a hurricane, Harm's plane failed to keep them safe. "I was in the liferaft for a while and figured I could survive, I could make it. Couldn't see a damned thing but the SAR crew would come. They knew where I was and were Skates was. Funny, for a time, I was more concerned for her than me - she can't swim well. And the thought of losing another RIO…"

It was a rogue wave that tossed his raft and flipped it over. After surviving the shroud lines, the minutes upon minutes of being submerged under water, it was the ocean that would try to take his life again. "I couldn't see… couldn't grab the lines to pull it back and even if I could, I didn't have the strength to pull myself up again. It was like being in a washing machine. From time to time I could hear the Viking but I knew it was too much cloud cover for them…Was pretty sure I'd die out there."

"Did you see someone afterwards? A therapist?"

Harm nodded, "Yeah, it's SOP. Not that it did much good, I don't think. For the first few months I felt a little off." He snorted and released his hold on her. "Hate to admit it but even showering scared the crap out of me. If the water splashed my face…You know? It wasn't good…" And Mac was gone, serving on an LHA for an undetermined amount of time. He would have gone to her, would have sat on her sofa and allowed himself to be vulnerable but everything was such a mess then.

"Not sure what would have happened if you…if you never came back." She leaned against the dinette table top and folded her arms across her chest. "I blamed myself for a while. I blamed myself for…everything."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't it?" She swallowed, trying to ease the lump in the back of her throat. Damn if Mac didn't tell herself she wouldn't cry over this - there had been far too much crying. But her guilt had never disappeared; not when she knew she'd pushed his buttons and baited him to tempt fate. "You said I couldn't make it work without you and you were right…I didn't want to marry Mic anymore because I knew I was settling. I needed you at my wedding because-"

"You'd thought I'd stop it." He shook his head slowly. "I thought I would too, which is why I left."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really." Harm turned back to his vegetables and took the knife methodically, running it through each potato to make perfect quarters. "I hate knowing that I could have stopped all of that from getting as far as it did - you and Mic."

"Why didn't you?"

He shrugged. "I wasn't sure what came next… I'd tell you I wanted you. I'd ask you to leave him and then what? We'd have some amazing sex but life would be rough… Everyone would know what happened. Everyone would talk and that wasn't a position I was ready to be in until I nearly died at sea. And then… I guess I still didn't know what I wanted." He turned to her and grinned sheepishly. "I wanted you… I've always been attracted to you but, I wasn't the white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog kinda guy."

She understood that about him and perhaps that is what held her back as well. "And yet you wanted to have a baby with me."

"I meant that. It was a knee jerk reaction, you were so sad..." There was a caveat, of course and it didn't matter what woman was in his life at the moment. "But…"

"But…"

"It needed to happen the good old fashioned way." He swept the vegetables into a pot of salted water and rinsed his hands.

Mac rolled her eyes. "Of course." She hadn't thought about kids for a while - at least a year. The imagery of her belly round and full of life didn't cause pain anymore. She still dropped her hands to her flat stomach and let out a deep breath.

Harm noticed the tension between them beginning to bubble. Having children was never high in his list of life goals - he'd be an absent father given his rigorous schedule and that was a burden he wouldn't put on any child. He knew that concern stemmed from his past grief - the loss of his own father but being a family man left a bitter taste in his mouth and yet, with Mac, he wanted that life only he reached for it a little too late. "You know, we haven't used protection…I uh…came inside you…each time."

Which was a sign of possession Mac didn't' realize she held over him. He'd never have sex without a condom, not once, not ever. It left too much of an unknown and fathering a child with a woman he didn't love would be a tie that would bind. He hadn't even considered protection with Mac and even in his fantasies, it was always skin on skin - no barriers. "Miracles can happen."

She dropped her hands and glanced down at a spot on the floor. "I can't."

"You don't know that for sure."

"But, I do." Her jaw was set when she glared at him and a conversation Mac never dreamed of having was unavoidable now. Her hands came to either side, gripping the top of the table until her knuckles went white from the strain. "When I moved to California, after I settled in…I tried."

"With Eric?" Why did that make his heart ache so badly? Harm had this new, insane jealousy over every man that ever crossed her path. He hated the feeling that came with it and the irrational desire to pulverize the SEAL to bits.

She shook her head, Eric had a daughter from a previous marriage that he never saw and the likelihood of their relationship growing to the level that involved children was improbable. "No, I liked him. I liked him a lot but I never got to dreaming of the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids with a dog...and a cat. I like cats too." Mac smirked when his brow raised.

"Ah, so, the whole "turkey baster" route." Harm said with air quotes and then immediately regretted it when her face fell. "I'm sorry, Mac… I didn't mean- that was insensitive and-"

"No, you're right. I guess that's sorta what it is." She pushed off the table top and slid into the booth with a heavy plop. Her hands suddenly seemed far more interesting to look at than him. "You need to give me a minute."

"Okay. Do you want me to leave? Step outside or something?" He glanced out the window at the falling rain and cringed.

"No!" Mac said quickly. She was done pushing him away or driving wedges between them. Whatever this was, whatever it could become, she needed to be honest and keep her heart open to him. "Sit with me, please." She waited for him to settle on the opposite side and then let out a heavy breath. "I never thought I'd have this conversation with you…I honestly never wanted you to know."

Mac had barely moved into her apartment in San Diego and had finally unpacked the last of her belongings. She sat on the sofa with a glass of sparkling water and was toasting her progress when a story on the news caught her attention. "I wanted a second opinion, a private doctor not related to the military so I found a fertility specialist in Del Mar. She was on the news, doing some cutting edge stuff…Miracles, you know."

Dr. Martine Phillips had given her hopes, claiming there were patients with their reproductive system in worse condition. Carrying a child to full term was possible. Mac was given a book to select a possible donor and fell upon a man in his early 50s with a pretty smile, dark brown hair and blue eyes. "I tried twice, went through hormone shots, subjected myself to more poking and prodding than I ever thought possible. Nothing worked." And the small fortune Mac had spent was even returned because the good doctor was afraid the Marine would be bad publicity for a booming practice.

Harm reached across the table and placed his hand over hers. "There are other ways. If you want a baby that bad, I mean."

"You don't understand…I wanted to feel pregnant. I wanted to feel all of those things Harriet would tell me about… a collaboration between God and two people who loved one another. I can't have that and I've accepted it… I don't feel like less of a woman anymore; I don't feel barren." She turned her hand over so that their fingers could touch. "I don't want you to feel indebted to me, like you still owe me something."

"I could have upped the timeline."

"I could have too. But, let's be honest, it was a joke between two friends who knew it would never happen. And all it did was become some sort of noose."

He shook his head and squeezed her hand in earnest. "It wasn't a joke. Or maybe it was until I got home and realized I'd promised you a kid that was a part of both of us. I'd have done anything to give you a baby, Mac even if we weren't together."

"I didn't want to have a baby with you because you felt indebted. I wanted a baby with you because I loved you and wanted the World." Though she sat back, her hand stayed in his.

"Or maybe I was just selfish?…I wanted you at all costs and I nourished the idea of co-parenting because I'd forever have a part of you." He'd always been in her life if they had a kid together. Even if she married or he found someone new, there would be birthdays, graduations, Holy Communion, weddings and a slew of other life events. "No matter who came or went, I'd have a part of you."

Harm stared at their joined hands. He wasn't sure how to respond in a way that wouldn't upset her. In a way, he was selfish as well. When it was believed Webb was dead, he used their baby deal to get what he always wanted. The timing was terrible and it annoyed him to see Mac grieving a man who didn't deserve her.

Funny how a friend became his worst enemy and creating a life was nothing more than a bargaining chip. "I'm at a loss here, Mac. I feel like I need to say something but I'm not sure what."

"You don't have to say anything."

"I think I failed you somehow."

"Please don't think that. You didn't fail me. Life just got in the way." That wasn't the best explanation but it was the only thing that made sense.

"We got in the way." He frowned.

"Yeah we did but, we can't take any of that back." She tilted her head and stared at him. Harm had a few more wrinkles but was just as devastatingly handsome as ever. "You know, in my dreams it was always just you and me. And damn did I have a lot of dreams about us."

"Foreshadowing?"

"I hope so. I love you, Harm. I've loved you forever. I've been wrong about a lot of things…I'm still scared about what happens when your trial is over - long distance isn't my thing."

Harm stood and pulled her up with him. He tipped her head back and lowered his lips to hers. "I'm making you another promise and this one, I won't break - no matter what happens, we don't run away. Deal?"

"Deal." She raised up on her toes and sealed it with a kiss.