Chapter 33

It wasn't like him to drink anything stronger than a beer in the middle of the day and even those were consumed on weekends or Holidays never when he should have been at work. A lot had changed for him in London but never in a million years did Harm expect to find himself sitting in a bar, just after noon nursing his fourth glass of bourbon. He liked it neat and loved to watch the thick liquid swirl in the glass before taking a drink.

He never drank because of a woman and yet, there he was imbibing his most favorite spirit in the same bar he'd been kicked out of for beating Vukovic. Harm snorted at the parallel and wondered how a stupid emotion called 'Love' could have affected him so savagely.

So much for taking this new billet to create a new life and free himself from the intrusive thoughts over a certain woman. All he'd done was pine over said woman and then he wound up marrying her. He snorted at the latter and tossed back the last of his drink - even a little inebriated he was still pining over her. "Fuck me."

Whatever happened between them, the fact was that he loved Mac deeply and suspected he always would in some way or another. At the moment he was being nothing more than a brooding idiot, licking wounds that he didn't really have a right to bear. With a sigh, he motioned for the bartender to close out his tab. The effects of alcohol were beginning to make his head swim a little and he had enough self respect to not drink himself unconcious. Instead, he settled his tab and wandered aimlessly down the street until a small park came into view where he unceremoniously dropped onto a park bench.

For once it was a beautiful clear day without any of the dreariness that held the city in its firm grasp the last few weeks. Not a cloud in sight, no scent of atmosphere, just sun kissed skies and he felt miserable. There was a couple across the way, a man and a woman sitting on a blanket laughing while the woman fed cherries to her beau. The scene made his heart ache something awful and with a mild curse, he found himself pulling his cellphone out of his breast pocket and dialing the familiar number to Captain Pete Mankelow's office.

The British man had become something of a close friend in the past two years. He wasn't tainted by the antics of the past like Jack Keeter nor was he a prig like one righteous Sturgis Turner. Unfortunately, his new friend wasn't available and Harm cursed as he recalled a 'second honeymoon' to some sandy beach in the middle of the ocean. The honeymoon he'd yet to give his own wife.

Instead, he scrolled through the endless rolodex of numbers finding one that was now a little too familiar. Intuition told him not to call because certain aspects of his life were better not shared with a past lover and yet, he smiled when Kate Pike's friendly voice answered his call.

"Hey, It's Harm. Sorry for the call during work hours but, I need a friend."

"You're drunk." Kate Pike accused when she heard a slight slur in his voice.

"A little." Harm admitted with a snort. "Look, I needed to talk to someone, anyone and I knew you'd answer."

"This has Mac written all over it."

Her tone made him unreasonably angry, like she was already picking sides without hearing his side of the story. Women, he thought, could be rather impartial and unfair at times. All he wanted was to protect his Marine, why didn't anyone seem to understand that? "Making assumptions aren't ya?"

"Female intuition." Was her answer after a long sigh into the receiver that only pissed him off a little more. "You know, she came to me because she loves you. It couldn't have been easy asking the 'other woman' for help and yet she came."

"You're not the 'other woman'." He made quotation fingers with his hand then dropped it roughly onto the wood slats he sat on.

"I could have been if I stuck around JAG. We had a chemistry, Harm - sexual as it was and I could have easily taken you away from that director you had no business dating. If you and Mac had been together maybe it wouldn't have been easy but, I could have caused you trouble - a lot of trouble. But, I left because I know when I'm not wanted."

Having Kate back in Falls Church would have definitely caused him problems. She and Mac would have been constantly at odds, given what he now knew about their interaction at JAG. Maybe Kate would have been the catalyst that pushed his partner into marrying Mic and leaving Washington forever? That was a thought that made his gut clench with uneasiness. As for Renee, that was over from the moment it began. Only he was too far of a coward to break things off sooner. "Ah, so you still want me? All this talk about your husband and the baby-"

"You really are full of yourself, aren't you? Or is it the booze talking?"

"C'mon, Kate. I'm joking. You know I'm joking."

"You can still be an ass sometimes." She sighed again and he could hear the annoyance in her tone. A nerve was hit and he wasn't sure any kind of backpedaling would help. "I don't want you, Harm. Have I wondered what could have happened? Yes but, you never respected me that way - not like you do Mac."

"Well she doesn't respect me." He gripped the cellphone tighter, trying to squeeze it into pieces with his bare hand. The plastic groaned under the pressure but it didn't break. "She told him. Mac told Vukovic about the thumb drive and God knows what else."

Kate chuckled and he imagined her head tipping back as she laughed at him. "Are you upset that he knows or you are pissed off that she didn't want to follow your plans?"

"Honestly? I don't know."

"I'm not taking sides in this but, you do realize she had a good reason to confront him, right? Maybe it wasn't the best venture for it but, from what I saw, that creep's obsessed with her - maybe tipping your hand is a good thing?"

He didn't see it that way, not when the element of surprise was completely shattered. Harm worried it would force Vuckovic to do something stupid that he knew would be directed at his wife. "He'll tell DeLong and whatever dirt you were trying to dig up will disappear like it never existed."

"About that. I was gonna call you later…I found the connection: Adele DeLong is Vukovic's godmother."

"What? That's it?"

"Yep. No grand conspiracy here. Just a godmother trying to help her godson get ahead. Why the NAVY? I have no idea. A woman like her would have pushed him into politics but maybe baby boy wasn't adept at those kinds of things."

Harm rolled his eyes, seeing Vic in any political setting made him sick to his stomach. Then again, the man was so smarmy that maybe politics would have suited him perfectly. "Whatever hatred I feel for Adele DeLong, I highly doubt she'd protect a serial rapist."

"She might not know."

The thought had crossed his mind that Vic's indiscretions had never seen the light of day. "You might be right about that. So, now what?"

"Now you go home."

"I don't think I can." He was still somewhat incensed with his wife but the reason why had begun to dissipate.

"Harm, don't be stupid. You're not gonna throw away your marriage over this. It's just the alcohol talking. Sober and go home to your wife."

"I don't want to."

Kate absolutely hated this side of him, when the man acted like a small boy whose favorite toy had been taken away. "Do you love her?"

He'd asked himself that very question so many times in the last decade. Was it love he felt for Mac or some irresistible chemistry that he just couldn't shake? Harm stared down at his left hand and the thick wedding band he happily watched her slip onto his finger at their impromptu wedding. "I'm in love with her."

"Go home."

"Okay but, I need to sober up first."

"Good idea and Harm? Please don't tell her you called me."

It was late when Harm finally pushed open the door to his flat. The apartment was quiet and the only reason he knew someone was home was the delectable scent of cinnamon and sugar that still hung in the air.

Cinnamon Rolls, his favorite. A peace offering Mac baked a time or two when they clashed over a case and she'd been particularly aggressive. It had been years since she'd baked for him, the last time was before Paraguay and the shit storm Clayton Webb had brought into their lives.

In the kitchen he sought out the source of the wonderful smell and smiled when he found a piece of paper with the words "I'm Sorry" propped next to the glass dome covering a wooden cake server. Five rather large rolls were neatly stacked inside - four now because Harm couldn't resist taking a big bite out of one.

With his other hand he plucked the note she'd left him and sighed heavily, "Yeah, I'm sorry too."

After polishing off one roll, Harm went in search of his wife who, to his surprise, was not in their bed but in his office. She lay beneath the sheets with her back turned to the door either asleep or pretending to be. Any attempt to move closer ceased the moment he caught his reflection in the mirror.

The man staring back had a wretched, unkempt look. His uniform was a mess and smelled as though it was used to mop the floor of the local bar - a parting gift from another patron that spilled cheap whiskey on his jacket.

She couldn't see him that way, Harm refused to serve as a reminder of her alcoholic father. Instead he fled into the adjoining bathroom, showered quickly and made sure any stench of alcohol was gone from his breath.

He considered sauntering back with only a towel wrapped around his waist but that wasn't the best method to get back in her good graces. Instead he threw on a pair of boxers and was pulling a shirt over his chest when he walked back in to find Mac sitting with her back against the headboard. "I thought you left again."

"No, just needed a shower. Why aren't you in our bed?"

"Your bed, you mean."

"Our bed." He corrected and sat at the edge of the Murphy bed. "Our bed. Our apartment, what's mine is yours now." Harm reached for Mac's hand and was a little surprised that she let him touch her. "I'm sorry, Mac I shouldn't have walked away."

"It's our modus operandi, isn't it?" She gave him a watery smile and then dropped her gaze to their joined hands. "You run. I run. After seeing my therapist I really thought I understood it better but I don't."

"What was her prognosis?"

"She thinks you've run away from emotional conflicts because you can't process what happened." Mac had discussed, at length, the push and pull that was their dynamic. For a man who claimed he'd never abandon her, he'd been doing just the opposite for years. "She calls it 'Stonewalling' and believes it's your defense mechanism when you can't control the situation."

Harm felt a little offended and annoyed that Mac's shrink would pick him apart without even knowing him. These were one sided conversations that he could not defend. "And when you've walked away?"

She shrugged. "I feel humiliated by you and don't want to feel worse."

"I've humiliated you?"

"Not intentionally but, it's happened."

"Well, fuck." He stood and began pacing the room, his mind trying to find the time or place he'd shamed her. It hurt him that Mac could have these intrusive thoughts and he honestly didn't know how to change that. Instead, he blurted out another woman's name and regretted it the moment he did. "I spoke to Kate."

"Kate? Kate Pike?"

"Yeah, I called her after…after." He didn't want to mention the bar or the seemingly endless shots of bourbon. "I needed a friendly shoulder and Pete's in Morocco with his wife for-"

Though he kept talking, Mac was no longer able to hear. She drowned out his tale of Pete's honeymoon and fixated on Kaitlin Pike. While it was true that they had an amicable friendship of sorts, Mac couldn't deny the chemistry between the former partners. It was a fact that bothered her more than she'd readily admit and yet, she was betrayed by the tone of her voice.

"You spoke to Kate instead of coming to me?"

"She found out what kind of relationship Vukovic and DeLong have."

"Relationship? What kind of relationship and please don't tell me they're romantically involved, I might throw up." Any concept that involved that pair in bed made Mac cringe and Harm shared a similar reaction.

"What? No! Ewww…. Adele's his godmother."

"Oh, that makes some sort of sense. His mom passed away when he was younger. I guess Adele raised him?"

That had been his former partner's assessment as well. "Kate thinks so too…She says 'hello' by the way."

Mac had almost forgotten about the other woman. In a way, she wished she had so that this deep rooted feeling of jealousy wouldn't rear its ugly head. "You went to another woman after you fought with me?"

"It's not that serious and we didn't really fight."

"I'm your wife, or did you forget?"

He leaned against the desk and tilted his head slightly. "You're jealous."

"Yes, I am." She had no reason to deny it, no reason to lie. Mac was not normally the jealous kind but knowing he had an intimate relationship with his former partner stung rather badly. Having Kate admit to said relationship in such a cavalier manner left a little stain over her heart that she'd yet to cleanse from. "I know I'm not easy to deal with… I know you're pissed at me… Hell, I'm pissed at me too but you don't just run away and go to another woman."

"She's not the 'other woman.'" Harm uncharacteristically bit his lower lip. He didn't want to lie to her, and refused to even though that 'other woman' insisted he not tell his wife that he'd called. "I went to a pub, had a few drinks and wasn't going to come home like that. I wasn't drunk but I wasn't sober either. I needed to talk to someone impartial…"

"And you called Kate?"

"Yeah. I don't want her, Mac. I don't love her either and I could have omitted her from this conversation but, I won't lie to you."

"At least there's that." A sad expression crossed her beautiful features, a darkening shadow when ugly thoughts began to run through her mind. For all of the therapy, the long talks, the self healing, Mac was still very much an insecure woman. His gaze made her feel a little bereft, a little naked although she wore panties, a t-shirt and was mostly hidden beneath the comforter.

"We used to tell each other everything once upon a time. You were my friend, my only confidant - I miss all of that."

He did too because as much as Mac annoyed him from time to time, she'd been the voice of reason - the calming force in his life that prevented him from doing rather stupid things. She rescued him from himself, saved his life more times than he could count and yet, they lost their way and with it, the trust they once had. "I think that ended when we decided to hate each other for the last few years."

"I didn't hate you. I was a little angry and very disappointed that you didn't return my calls. That hurt, it hurt a whole hell of a lot. You were always there for me and suddenly, you didn't even realize that I needed help."

Harm frowned. He hadn't wanted to even think about the dark months that preceded their return from Paraguay. Yes, there was hate on his part, a vile feeling like a poison in his veins that would have destroyed Sarah MacKenzie if he were the kind of man to do so. Upon his return to JAG their rhythm was most definitely gone and replaced by snide comments, hurtful insults and insinuations spoken just to get under one another's skin. He didn't like who they were back then and abhorred the fact that he allowed his emotions to veil the fact that Mac was hurting more than he.

Perhaps he should have played the hero, taken her away from Webb and staked his claim but he was never the kind to chase after any woman. Even if the woman was who he most wanted at his side for the rest of his life. And now, his own insecurities were playing out a war in his head - was he even enough for her at this stage of their lives? Had the past few years sufficiently healed all the hurt they'd done to one another?

Mac was right, he hadn't realized she needed help - he hadn't seen the shadows of PTSD that made a normally calm and rational woman into some sort of monster. But, she didn't see his own pain, his own hurt and the constant nightmares of him arriving too late and seeing her lifeless body attached to wrist and ankle straps in a room heavily scented with the odor of seared skin. "You're right, I wasn't there for you. But, you weren't there for me either. I was hurting too, Mac."

"And you went to another woman."

"When?"

He might've not remembered the casual women that had passed through his life but, Mac did and it may have added to the void that separated them. "Alicia Montes, I came to you one night and you were happily making dinner for another woman. I get it now, I didn't then because I felt hurt and disappointed and worthless. But, I pushed you away -I shouldn't have expected you'd drop everything in your life for me."

"I never slept with her. I could have and probably should have. As much as I hate to admit this, there hadn't been anyone after Renee until I came to London." He blushed at the admission that sounded like he was saving himself for her when, in reality - every woman he wanted to date paled in comparison. "So is this it for us? A marriage that lasted just over a week?"

"A sham wedding I guess." She shrugged, although that wasn't how it all began. Mac wanted to marry him, wanted to be with him, she wanted it all but her life was never that nice or neat. Her shrink was right, she loved to put walls up and accuse others of not knowing how to tear them down. "I love you, Harm. I'll always love you above and beyond anyone else. If this is not what you want - if I'm not what you want then tell me now before either of us invests more than we're willing to."

"That's the point - I do want you." He pushed off the desk and dropped into bed next to her. His hand touched hers and he was content when Mac turned her palm over and twined her fingers in his. "Maybe I shouldn't have called Kate. But, I didn't want to say something stupid and hurt you…I love you. I want this to work out. Hell, it was going pretty good if you could ignore the fact that your husband was incarcerated for a week."

His hand had traveled up her arm to the curve of her shoulder where Harm squeezed gently. His teasing tone actually made them both laugh and her rebuttal was an eye roll. At this point Harm had been arrested more time than her ex. "It kinda makes you a little more dangerous, sexy even."

"Ah, so you like the bad boys, huh? The ones that wear leather and ride motorcycles?"

She shook her head. "No, I like the one who once wore leathers and now wears a suit and tie with Captain's stripes."

"I can be both." His voice took on that raspy, playfully seductive voice that made Mac's stomach do somersaults. "You don't have to be jealous of Kate, Sarah. I want you…I've wanted you since we met. Maybe we still need to work on the talking thing. We definitely need to learn how to trust each other more."

"We do but, please no more calling Kate especially when it's about us."

She was right. He'd been foolish to call an ex lover rather than run home to his wife. If the tables had been turned Harm would have been green with jealousy and maybe even a little hot headed. "Understood… Come to bed. Our bed."

Mac raised her arms and he helped her up. "My therapist thinks I forgive you too easily." And she had because holding grudges forever was never her style.

"Am I forgiven then?"

"Are you still mad at me?"

"I'm livid as hell."

"So am I."

Harm still held her hand when he guided her into their bedroom. Mac tossed the covers over both of them when they lay in bed. Hushed "I love yous" were spoken and though it might not have been the perfect day, they were still in love.