Chapter 15: The Media War, Part II

February 27, 0008

"Well, you have a vagina, so you get your pants wet just like he does." Romina Ronkin announced. "Bowchickawowow!"

The sixteen-year-old blonde picked up the toddler and marched off to change him.

"On the rare occasion you're actually wearing any," Romina continued. "Well, there we have it ladies and gentlemen. Sabrina the Teenage Mom's exclusive uncut interview. Cut short. My ninety-ninth walkout. Can you believe it?"

"No ma'am," Crowe, her sidekick, replied from the corner.

Romina pulled up a book and hurled it at him.

"Shut your hole, Crowe!" she snapped.

"S-sorry, Romina!" he sheepishly muttered.

"Okay," Romina began. "Up next, we have very special guest. She likes crop tops, short skirts, kickboxing, martial arts, and spikey-haired men! She dislikes having her butt slapped, gender roles, and, most importantly, Jack Balen! Ladies and gentlemen, she's running for president. Tifa Strife, after this break!"

Tifa walked into the studio and sat down in the guests' chair. She had agreed to do the show because she knew it could boost her in the polls. She knew Ms. Ronkin would ask her very inappropriate personal questions, but she was prepared for it.

What Tifa wasn't prepared for was what Romina looked like. She appeared to be in her early to mid-twenties. She had long, blue-dyed hair that went down below her shoulders. She was wearing blue jeans, a white tank top, and she wore glasses as well. There were no tattoos or body piercings, except for her ears.

"Not quite what you expected?" Romina deduced as she stepped forward and shook hands with Tifa. "Welcome to the show! I would chat, but we're going on the air in thirty seconds. Any questions, comments, criticisms, concerns, or queries?"

"None whatsoever," Tifa replied with a smile. "Ask away!"

"Will do!" Romina said happily.

The "ON AIR" sign quickly light up.

"Welcome back ladies and gentlemen!" Romina announced. "I'm sitting across from presidential candidate Tifa Strife! She has agreed to sit in the hot seat while I pick her brain!"

"Are you going to ask her about her sex life?" asked Crowe.

In response, Romina picked up a book and throw it at him.

"Shut your hole, Crowe!" she snapped. She then turned back to Tifa. "Why are you running for president?"

Straight to the point, thought Tifa.

"I'm running to keep the Western Continent free," Tifa replied.

She paused. "What would you do if you were confined to the kitchen?"

"I'd probably hang myself," Romina answered.

"That's a big reason," Tifa continued. "Jack Balen's policies are socially backward."

"Totally," Romina agreed. "That's part of the reason I became a shock jock."

"Really?" Tifa asked in surprise.

"You got it," Romina continued. "I wanted a regular show, but nobody paid attention to me because I'm a woman. So I began to say the most revolting things humanly possible, and people suddenly started listening. But men definitely shouldn't be having any power over women."

This isn't so bad, Tifa thought. She agrees with me a hundred percent.

"Actually," Romina continued, "it I had it my way, I'd strip my boyfriend naked and walk him on a leash. Do you wear the pants in your marriage?"

"I'll admit I do," Tifa replied.

"Question number two," Romina continued. "Are your tits real or are they implants?"

That cost her 25,000 gil right there.

"They're real," Tifa replied, slightly blushing.

Now we're getting into typical Romina Ronkin, Tifa realized.

"Double D?" asked Romina.

"Yes."

"Did anyone ever tell you how many women are jealous of your boobs?" Romina inquired.

"I've heard," Tifa laughed.

"Well, I'm one of them," Romina admitted. "Question number three: Have you ever had a lesbian experience?"

"No," Tifa replied. "Though I have great respect for my LGBT friends."

"Question number four," Romina continued. "Is it true that, after you raided Midgar and defeated the Shinra for good, you and Cloud had sex on or under the Highwind? Or possibly in the chocobo stable?"

"Like every other tidbit," Tifa answered, "I swear it is a lie. I remained a virgin until our wedding night."

"Like the Downings?"

"Ironically, yes," Tifa replied. "But there the resemblance ends. Cloud and I dated. We didn't have chaperoned courtship."

"Who said 'I love you' first?" Romina asked.

Now she's being clean again.

"I did," Tifa replied with a smile. "He kind of twisted my arm, but I said it. I had been holding it in for years, so I guess it was supposed to happen."

"Are you the kind of gal who believes in karma or fate?" asked Romina.

"Definitely," Tifa answered. "Maybe not in the supernatural sense, but that definitely seemed to be the way my life worked out there."

"Are you religious?" Romina asked. "Do you believe in a God?"

"I didn't even believe in life after death until I saw the Lifestream," Tifa answered. "But there are things I believe in."

"Do you believe in a higher power?"

"I can't see how else I could have gotten here," Tifa answered. "The reason I waited until our wedding night had nothing to do with religion. It was because I wanted it to be special."

"And you proposed to him?" Romina asked.

"I did," Tifa replied with a smile. "I got down on one knee with a ring and everything."

"How did you feel about seeing each other naked for the first time?"

"That was one of the first things I thought after proposing to him," Tifa admitted. "After the joy of realizing we were getting married, it popped in my head: 'My God! I'm going to see him naked. And he's going to see me naked!' I mean, we grew up together, and we knew each other since I was born, but the most we ever saw of each other was in our swimsuits."

"And nothing went wrong during your first time?" Romina inquired.

"Not at all," Tifa answered. "It was perfect."

"That's good to hear," Romina said. "The first time I had sex with my boyfriend, I queefed really loud during foreplay."

"Ouch!" Tifa said.

That was more than I wanted to know.

"Which brings me to my next question," Romina continued. "On your wedding night, were you happy with the size of his wiener?"

This is starting to get too personal, Tifa realized. But I can't be a coward.

"Of course," Tifa laughed. "But it didn't marry him for that! I don't even care in that area."

"Really?" asked the perplexed Romina. "What if he didn't have a wiener at all? Would you have still have married Cloud is he was a woman?"

This is a tough spot, thought Tifa. But I have to be honest.

"Yes, I would."

Tobin and I, who were at home listening to the whole thing, slowly turned our heads to make eye-contact when we heard this.

"Tifa likes women, too?" I asked.

Not that I would ever have a problem with it. But that answer really surprised me, especially since I thought I knew her so well.

"Not that I know of," Tobin replied. "But she never put posters up of guys with their shirts off when she was fourteen."

Over the years, I did do a lot of speculation on Tifa's sexual orientation. She was attracted to Cloud for sure, but it was Cloud the person, not Cloud the body. In any event, she and Cloud had a very good relationship, and that little tidbit never affected it.

"Would you consider yourself fundamentally bisexual?" Romina asked.

"I don't know," Tifa replied. "The point was that I love Cloud for who he is. His body and even his gender have nothing to do with it."

See? It's ambiguous. She would certainly be considered "not straight," at least not in the conventional sense.

"Well, in any case," Romina continued, "I'm happy you're happy with him. So I have to ask. What's your favorite sex position?"

There was a silence.

I quickly turned to Tobin.

"There's no way in hell she's going to answer that," I said.

"Cowgirl," Tifa replied.

I quickly covered my mouth in shock. Needless to say, that was overtly out of character for Tifa.

"Why cowgirl?" Romina naturally asked.

"So I can see his face," Tifa answered. "And I like to be in charge."

That didn't surprise me, due to Tifa's dominant nature. But, to this day, I can't believe she answered that.

"Talk about powerful," Romina observed.

"I'm just an independent woman," Tifa said. "Which is, again, why I'm running. I want women to be independent. Jack Balen wants women to not be independent."

"Tell me about it," Romina said as she rolled a joint and lit it. "Any plans for kids?"

"Someday, I'm sure," Tifa replied. "But we've only been married for three weeks."

"Tell me this," Romina commanded as she took a puff. "If you had kids while you were president, wouldn't it be more reasonable that Cloud stayed home?"

"Most definitely," Tifa agreed.

"We just need more ways to show how us ladies can be tough," Romina suggested.

"Agreed," said Tifa.

"I know!" Romina said. "Why don't we take off our shirts and have a boob fight?"

"I think I'll pass," Tifa laughed.

Back at our place, I got up and switched off the radio; a naughty idea had crossed my mind.

"What are you doing?" Tobin inquired, seemingly pissed I shut the radio off.

I took off my shirt and bra and tossed them both aside, leaving myself in just my jeans. I then turned around and smiled at him.

"I think we should have a boob fight!" I giggled as I marched over to Tobin and pulled his shirt off.

"I don't have boobs," he protested.

"Pecs, boobs, whatever," I said before I straddled him and kissed him passionately.

But, a few minutes later, as he was kissing up my neck, something crossed my mind.

What's Cloud going to say after the interview?

THE STUFF THAT MIGHT HAVE GONE UNNOTICED….

Down on the Downing Farm is, of course, a parody of 19 Kids and Counting, while Romina Ronkin's Restroom Rampage is a parody of the Howard Stern Show.

There were actual rumors that Cloud and Tifa went all the way under the Highwind. However, in the original Premonitions' new timeline, that scene never takes place.