By the following week Rachel's sleep schedule had settled a little bit. Or, at least, it had reverted to her sleeping a few hours around midnight, waking up at three after nightmares, and then either staying awake or sometimes managing to go back to sleep for a few more hours. She'd started taking the modified Dreamless Sleep potion again, but she also recognized that this was not a sustainable way to go about things. She wasn't sure how to make it better though.
After a night where she didn't go back to sleep, and instead sat on the floor next to her bookshelf, reading by wandlight while her Walkman helped blast away the memories of her dreams, Rachel went downstairs after she heard Severus go downstairs. She'd gotten into the habit of shutting her bedroom door so that he wouldn't look in and see her empty bed.
She found Severus standing at the kitchen table, an unnameable expression on his face as he looked down at the newspaper. She stood still, hesitating to move while he seemed lost in whatever was happening in his mind. She must have made some sound, because he turned to look at her, his eyes eerily blank before he focused on her.
"You may not wish to read the paper before breakfast," was all he said.
"More attacks?" Rachel asked, feeling her stomach churn. So far it hadn't been reported that the Death Eaters had attacked anyone since that Sunday, but she knew very well there were plenty of things that the newspaper didn't report.
"No. Just a summation of the war. It is not kind," Severus said.
Given that her stomach was already upset, Rachel decided that it was better to know instead of to worry about what it might be saying. She stepped forward to the table and began to read. He was right; it wasn't a particularly kind summation of what had happened. There was a small part of her that felt vindicated that it said that the Ministry should have acted when she and Professor Dumbledore had said the Dark Lord had returned. She felt that was as close to an apology as she was likely to receive. "Are these numbers right?" she asked.
"They're citing the MLE as their source, so I would imagine they've calculated it in terms of who has died over the past three years and who has gone missing and is presumed dead. Some of the people who are missing may still be alive and have simply fled, but it won't be the majority," Severus said.
Rachel read it again. They were estimating that nearly 2,500 magical people were killed during the war, disproportionately muggleborns and half-bloods, and while they said that the muggle death count was unknown, they put the numbers at least a thousand with a note that was just the deaths they could for certain attribute to magical means. She tried to put the numbers together in her head. The war had lasted three years, but people had really only started being killed in outright attacks a little over two years ago. Which meant maybe fifty magical people a month had been killed for every month of the war. When she weighed that against the newspaper reports and the things she'd seen in her visions, that sounded about right, but then she put it in terms of the magical population as a whole. "Nearly a tenth of the magical population of Britain was killed in about two years."
"Yes," Severus said. "We had similar casualties in the last war, but things escalated much more rapidly this time."
She sat down, feeling a little chilled and unsettled. She remembered Severus telling her that everyone had known someone who had died during the last war, that it had affected every family. It wasn't so much that she hadn't believed him then as she just hadn't understood it. Every single person she knew had someone they'd known die during the last two years. She couldn't even think of anyone she knew that had known just one person who died. And many of those people had lost family members or close friends. It felt unbelievable, but she knew it was the truth. She personally knew quite a number of people who had been killed. Her mind flashed to finding Colin's body and to seeing Tracey with Tristram's body, and seeing her the bodies of her professors and the Order members who had come to defend Hogwarts. She remembered being told that Professor Nash had died. She remembered watching as Professor Burbage and Professor Podmore were tortured and killed.
None of this was exactly new information to her, but it still made her feel sick.
Rachel continued to read down the page, blankly taking in the rest of the information. The article ended on her killing the Dark Lord and the idea that the public still did not have a true understanding of what had happened. "I think I need to make some sort of statement about killing the Dark Lord."
Severus sat down, folded the newspaper, and put it on the other side of the table. "Is that something you want to do or something you feel you should do?"
"Draco said that I would probably be questioned by the Wizengamot if I go in there and they still have questions about what happened. I think that could go badly very quickly. If they think they understand what happened, maybe they won't question me."
Severus ran a hand over his chin and looked particularly tense with lines appearing around the corners of his mouth. "You're probably right that we should avoid that outcome if we can. Crafting a believable statement that conceals what we need to and having the Ministry agree to it will be a challenge."
"I kind of talked about that with my friends. We can say the Dark Lord used legilimency to contact me and tell the truth about what he said. I don't have to tell them what happened when I died, just that I woke up with the knowledge that I could kill the Dark Lord. We can say Professor Dumbledore learned that the Dark Lord had used a dark magic ritual to survive the reflection of the Killing Curse and that he destroyed the dark magic so he can't come back. And that my mother's sacrifice was echoed by my sacrifice, combined with the blood that the Dark Lord took from me tied me to life to allow me to return. Theo says that sacrificial magic is a forbidden subject, so there shouldn't be anyone to say that's not how it works. And Neville does not want it to be known that he did something special by killing the snake," Rachel recounted for him.
He shook his head slightly. "I'm not sure we even want to bring sacrificial magic into this. People are very leery of blood magic and we do not want them to think you were practicing it, even unintentionally. The Dark Lord working blood magic and keeping you alive through it, that we could probably use."
Rachel nodded. This was why she came to Severus for this sort of thing.
"Some mind magic practitioners will be skeptical that the Dark Lord communicated with you at a distance with legilimency, but we can point to other similar powers that people believed were impossible as well. I would much prefer this stayed out of the hands of the Unspeakables. They would wish to study you and I assure you that neither of us want that," he continued.
"I definitely do not wish to be studied," she agreed. "Can they do that? Can they decide they just want to study me and I have to let them do it?"
"There are old clauses allowing people with special gifts to be conscripted for Ministry services. They're not used much anymore, but I could see them bending them for this. Fortunately you are too much of a public figure to simply be disappeared by them. The Minister can argue, and should argue, that you are more use to the Ministry sitting on the Wizengamot. The Minister will believe he can control you, and therefore control the Wizengamot."
Rachel wasn't sure being controlled by the Minister sounded much better than being studied by the Unspeakables. "What would the Minister want me to do?"
"I don't know. Scrimegeour was a wartime Minister, but it's almost certain he will be voted back in. Now that the war is over his focus should be on rebuilding and making sure that the Death Eaters are contained. What he will actually do, I'm not certain. I've only met him maybe three or four times, and most of those were occasions involving you."
Rachel couldn't stop herself from thinking that this had all been much easier when she was dead.
"I think regarding the Minister, we will have to wait and see. Pay close attention in your interactions with him. Be careful about what you agree to do. Be on your guard," he instructed. "As for a statement…"
"Draco said Madam Bones might be able to help us with a statement. She might be better than the Minister," Rachel suggested.
"Amelia Bones certainly knows enough to know that some things shouldn't be said. And I think Kingsley may be able to help us communicate with her and see if this is something she's willing to do. Before we do that though, you and I should draft a few statements and see if we can put together something coherent that won't simply cause people to have more questions."
"People are going to ask about what sort of dark magic ritual would keep the Dark Lord alive, won't they?" she asked, since that was the most important thing they were trying to keep concealed, along with the extent of her connection.
"No, not in public. They may speculate informally with friends, but no one outside of the Unspeakables will question you on that. To discuss the details of dark ritual in the Wizengamot is effectively taboo. Everyone with any common sense will understand not discussing the particulars of that," he said, shaking his head.
"So not the newspapers," she said.
"Even the newspapers know not to speculate on the specifics of dark magic. The words dark magic ritual and blood magic will keep anyone from searching further."
"What do I do if the Unspeakables question me?"
Severus sat quietly, his mouth in a thin line. "Tell them that you do not know the details of the dark magic, which is true, just that it involved splitting the soul being used to achieve immortality. They will understand from there. Do not use the word horcruxes. Do not say this dark magic was used on you. As far as anyone is concerned, the only involvement you had in dark ritual and blood magic was the night of the third task and your blood was taken forcibly."
Rachel nodded and hoped that things didn't reach the point where she was going to be questioned.
A tapping on the kitchen window drew their attention and Severus stood and retrieved two envelopes from the owl who had arrived. The owl flew away, ignoring the perch in the window and Severus returned to the kitchen table while working his wand over the envelopes.
"They're clean," he said, passing one to her.
Rachel opened it and found an invitation to the memorial at Hogwarts at two o'clock on Sunday, July twelfth. "You don't have to go with me. I know you don't want to see Professor Dumbledore."
Severus shook his head. "I need to be there for this. They were my colleagues and students." He looked her up and down. "We need to get you new clothes. You can't go to the Wizengamot and other events wearing what you are now."
"Draco says that we're supposed to wear robes," she said, noting that Severus was in a long sleeved button-up shirt and trousers.
"Draco is correct. We should be wearing robes in polite company. You will need tidy clothes to wear beneath them and you will need formal robes and dress robes. And it would be a good idea for you to have nice casual robes as well. And something you can wear while brewing. And dress shoes, of course."
Rachel sighed. That sounded like a lot. "Can I wear my school robes to this? Do we have to do this right away?"
"You can wear your school robes and uniform to the memorial, that would be appropriate as you were a student during the event we are memorializing. But we need to get you clothes before you go into the Ministry and that day is not all that far away. You should be receiving your NEWT results and your election ballot in the next two weeks, and then you will start your time on the Wizengamot," he said.
"I don't think I can think about this right now." All of this was just making her stomach grow tighter and tighter.
"Then let's take things one thing at a time. We'll start with breakfast. Then we can start figuring out your statements. Clothes can be another day, after the memorial," he said.
"Okay." She took a few full breaths, trying to stop the way that her chest was squeezing her. "How is all of this harder than the war?"
"It's not. But you are still dealing with the war. It will take time."
Rachel didn't think that there was enough time to deal with all of this. It seemed like it might take the rest of her life.
They wound up writing out three versions of what had happened, each with different levels of detail and slightly different nuances. Rachel wasn't entirely sure what people would be judging them for when deciding if they were believable. They all seemed relatively believable to her, but then she had actually experienced the events they were describing. It didn't help to remember that they'd told the full truth about the night of the third task and no one had believed them.
Rachel was sitting on the floor in front of the low table while Severus was sitting in his armchair. Both had quills and Severus was making minor changes to one of the versions she had written, mostly in word choice rather than in content.
"Madam Bones knows most of what happened, right?" Rachel asked, frowning over one of her pieces of parchment.
"Yes, she knows pretty much everything except for the horcruxes," Severus said. "Albus was honest with her and the Minister in order to get them to agree to using the MLE at what we planned to be the final battle. Somewhat needlessly, it turns out."
"Is she going to be okay with lying to the public?" Rachel checked.
"Yes. Amelia has been in her position for almost twenty years now, before she was head of the MLE she was Head Auror. She's been on the Wizengamot for the past twenty one years. She's served in the MLE for two wars now and knows the value of not telling the public everything. I believe she will also want to respect your privacy as much as possible." Severus passed back the draft that he had made notes on for Rachel to write a clean version. "There's something else we should discuss, but it doesn't have to be done right away."
"What's that?" Rachel asked warily.
"If you plan to do a Potions Mastery, you should write an article detailing the process of your Dreamless Sleep modification and your alternative formulation. I can help you with the formatting and it should be relatively easy to get it published. We'll try for Modern Potions, which is the publication favored by the Guild, but there are others we could try as well."
Rachel looked down at the notes that he had written on the parchment and searched for the words for what she wanted to say. "We've talked about this. I'm worried about what people will say about me if I publish that I had to invent a modified sleeping potion. They'll think I have an addiction to Sleeping Potions, or they'll want to know why I made it the way that I did."
"I don't think anyone can extrapolate why you modified the potion based on what they know about you and what the modifications accomplish. In your article you can say you were doing a study on interactions with the sopophorous bean juice and stimulants. You'll want to detail the process of modification and other stimulants and formulations that you considered. You can mention in the article that the modified potion may be helpful for people who have difficulty with taking other sleeping potions, and that your alternative formulation is cheaper to brew. Publishing is part of getting a Mastery, but if you don't want to get a Mastery, that's alright and I don't want to push you into it or have you feel like this is something I want from you," Severus said steadily, his gaze focused on her.
"I do want to get a Mastery. I just don't want people talking about me. If it was anyone else publishing about this potion, no one would notice, but because it's me, they'll come up with all sorts of things to say about me in the newspaper." Rachel frowned as she felt her eyes prickling. She did not want to get this upset about this. "If I'd known people would react this way, if I'd known that things would be like this, I would have had a lot harder time deciding to come back."
Severus flinched slightly. "I'm sorry. I am not trying to push you and we can talk about this another time if it is overwhelming you."
Rachel shook her head. "I just don't want people to talk about me. What if I invented a different potion and published about that instead? Something that won't cause people to say awful things about me."
"If you are truly interested in a future in potions then modification and invention should be something that is on your mind. I will not force you to publish, Rachel, but this is not going to go away. People will be watching you for the rest of your life. Albus defeated Grindelwald over fifty years ago and he is still in the paper on a regular basis with people dissecting what he says and does."
The idea that this would be happening for the rest of her life was daunting. How was she supposed to do anything? First thing she was going to do was find out if Fred and George had any solutions for being disguised in the summer. She felt like she couldn't go anywhere in the magical world when people might recognize her. Maybe she could suggest to her friends that they look for a flat in a predominantly muggle area.
"Rachel…are you having thoughts of returning to Lily and James?" Severus asked, sounding almost uncertain.
"No. I'm not going to kill myself. I know they wouldn't want that and I know it would hurt a lot of people. I came back because I didn't want to hurt people. I just want people to stop," she assured him. She hadn't meant to cause him to think that she was contemplating suicide.
"I wish I knew of a way to do that for you, but I think you are going to need to learn to ignore what they are saying about you. You know the truth, they don't. Your family and friends care for you deeply and they know the truth. The people who matter to you will not have their opinions of you changed by what is printed in the paper."
Rachel pressed her lips together. How was she supposed to not care what the newspaper said about her? Everyone read the newspaper. She'd thought the halls of Hogwarts were bad, but at least the students there were used to her. How was she supposed to do anything with all these people watching her? "I don't know how to do that," she finally said.
"Perhaps Torey will have some suggestions. I would like to help you better with this, but my experience in dealing with this sort of thing is limited," he said, his expression a familiar one of worry.
"I'll talk to Torey about it," Rachel agreed, though she didn't know anything that could change how she felt about this. "I'm going to go flying for a bit. I'll work on this later."
"That's fine," he said, his expression of worry not changing.
Rachel went up the stairs, planning on doing things to help her get away from her thoughts for a while. Thinking was overrated.
"How was your week?" Torey asked once they were both settled.
"So-so." Rachel looked around Torey's office and was once again reminded that she was getting a little too old to be seeing a children's therapist. She wasn't sure what to do about that either. She wasn't sure it was a good idea for her to simply stop therapy, but she wasn't thrilled at the idea of having to see someone else either.
"Anything in particular going on?" Torey asked when Rachel didn't elaborate.
Rachel sighed. "Sleep is a problem. The newspaper is a problem and apparently that's not going away any time soon. I told my friends everything and they're all upset with Professor Dumbledore and I sort of understand why, but I still think he made the right decision. There's a memorial at Hogwarts tomorrow and I'm…" She stopped as she searched for words to describe how she felt about that. "I'm not anxious about it, or nervous, or anything like that."
"Alright. Are you worried about what your response to the memorial might be?"
"No." Rachel ran her fingers along the fabric of her jeans as she tried to put her mind in order. "I think that might be the problem, actually."
"What is?" Torey asked.
"I don't feel anything and I should. I should be upset about the memorial. I knew people who died there. I saw Colin's body. I saw Tristram's body. I saw Professor Babbling's body. I've known them for years. We were friends and I just don't feel anything. Tracey was sitting with Tristram, she wouldn't let anyone take his body from her. Why don't I feel anything? What is wrong with me?"
"I don't think there is anything wrong with you, so let's start with that. We've talked about this before. People have a variety of responses to seeing people die and those responses are okay and sometimes they will change with time," Torey said. "Would you say that this lack of feeling is extending to other things or is it just about the people who have died?"
Rachel thought back over the past few weeks. "I feel panicked sometimes, after nightmares. I feel frustrated and upset about the newspaper. I feel worried about the future and what I'm going to be expected to do. But a lot of the time I just don't feel anything. I thought things were going to be better after the war."
"Things will get better. But the war ending does not mean that you have changed as a person. All of the things that you were dealing with before are still there. We can be glad that the war is over and that most of the killing and violence has stopped, but still acknowledge that we went through some pretty difficult things during the war and we're still affected by them even though the war is over," Torey explained.
"Did you know anyone who died?" Rachel asked.
"Yes, I did."
Rachel nodded. "I think everyone did. Severus said that about the last war too, that it affected every family. It's not that I didn't believe him, it's just that I didn't really understand what that would mean until now. Everyone I know has someone who died. Half of my closest friends lost family members in the war. All of the students at Hogwarts lost several teachers. And…I knew these things before now, I really did. But for whatever reason, I keep thinking about that article, and all of these people out there who are stuck feeling this way."
"Feeling what way?" Torey asked.
"Lost, I suppose. And I know I shouldn't. Out of everyone, I shouldn't. Because I know what happens when people die. I know that they're all safe and that they had people who loved them waiting for them."
"There's no should when it comes to feeling. You feel the way that you feel. What does feeling lost feel like to you?"
Rachel sighed. "I'm not sure why I used that word."
"Lost?"
Rachel nodded again. "I'm not even supposed to be talking about this, I'm supposed to be talking with you about the newspaper and not caring what people are saying about me."
"We can talk about whatever you'd like to talk about. This is your time and it sounds like this is something you're working through right now," Torey said.
They sat and Rachel listened to the soft blow of the fan. Somewhere she could hear the distant sounds of a nearby street. "I don't know why I said lost. It's a feeling of absence, I suppose? Like there's a space where those people should be and suddenly they're not there. I hadn't seen Tristram since he finished at Hogwarts, he was in a different group in the Order. But there's still a sense of the idea that he should be there, he should be with Tracey, but he's not. And Lavender. I didn't know Lavender very well. She didn't get along well with Hermione. But the last day when everyone was at school, Parvati wouldn't come out of their dorm, because Parvati was Lavender's best friend and they went everywhere together. And Professor Babbling will never know how our class did on our NEWTs. And Madam Hooch will never again scold the Slytherin team to play fair, though she finally stopped doing that once I'd been captain for a while. I don't know."
"What it sounds like you're describing to me is grief for their deaths and for how that affects the people who cared about them. That's a perfectly natural way to feel right now. I think a lot of people are experiencing that right now."
"It doesn't feel at all like when my relatives died."
"You had a very different relationship with your relatives than you did with these people and those deaths were under different circumstances. It's okay that it feels different. That's normal too."
"I haven't cried for them, for the people at the battle. I kind of thought that I would. I feel kind of guilty that I haven't."
"Just because you haven't cried doesn't mean that you didn't care about them or that you don't mourn their loss. It may happen or it may not. Also, give yourself some time. I've had people tell me that the death of a loved one felt unreal and they never really mourned and cried until something reminded them of the person months later and they truly felt that they were gone. It might take a few months or even longer. You also underwent a significant trauma while all of this was happening. Your mind can only manage so much at once," Torey said, her tone very gentle.
Rachel frowned. "I don't feel particularly traumatized by that battle. I pretty much had the easiest time there."
Torey shook her head. "You were killed. You killed someone. You witnessed the deaths and the bodies of a number of people that you knew."
"Dying wasn't bad. Everyone acts like it was bad, but it wasn't. It was a good thing. I got to see my parents. It…I really wanted to see my parents and it…" Rachel trailed off again as she struggled to find the words to explain how important that was to her. "And I don't feel guilty for killing the Dark Lord. He had to be stopped and no prison could contain him. I refuse to feel guilty about that."
"I'm not trying to suggest that you should feel guilty. But in general killing someone brings up a lot of things for people. The way you feel about it right now may not be the way you always feel about it."
Rachel had also expected it to be harder for her to kill someone, but she actually felt pretty okay with it. It needed to happen. It was foretold to happen and there wasn't anything she could do about that. She'd just been the conduit for it to happen through. "The bodies part was probably the worst of it. I'm not really sure why. That's the part that stayed with me in my dreams. I don't dream about the Dark Lord in the Forbidden Forest, or about dying, or even about killing the Dark Lord. I dream about the battlefield itself."
"A fear and revulsion of dead bodies is common to almost all humans. It's an evolutionary thing that's been passed down for hundreds of thousands of years. We're sort of pre-programmed to be wary about things that look human but aren't, because we evolutionarily learned to be wary of rabies and that dead bodies carry diseases. A corpse activates that fear response in our memory, telling us that this is something unnatural and we need to stay away from it," Torey explained. "There's also something called the uncanny valley, where people are disturbed by things that look like living humans but aren't. Dead bodies fall into that category and it can extend to things like dolls, robots, or even clowns."
Rachel pressed her lips together as she thought back to the battlefield. "When I found Colin, it was like he was both Colin and wasn't. There was something…I don't know, but I think it's what you're talking about. It was easier with the Death Eaters, because I couldn't see their faces and their cloaks covered them pretty fully."
"They became less human, so they weren't quite as disturbing. That makes sense. And you knew Colin, you know what he looks like, how he moves, what facial expression he's using. When it's just his body, those essential things that make him Colin are gone."
"I'm not sure how long I was dead. My friends suggested I might have only been dead for a few minutes, and then I was unconscious to account for the rest of the time that I was gone."
Torey nodded. "Given that you don't seem to be having any after effects from dying, I'd suggest you probably weren't dead for more than a minute or two at most. Brains respond very poorly to oxygen deprivation. Have you noticed any effects? Headaches? Memory loss? Blurriness of vision? Anything odd?"
"No, not at all. I even went to Madam Pomfrey and had her check me over to be sure. She said as far as she could tell I was alright." Thankfully. She was glad that was a problem she was not dealing with. She had enough problems as it was.
"Then you probably weren't dead for more than about ninety seconds, would be my guess."
That meant Severus either had very poor timing in terms of when he sent his Patronus to check on her, or very good timing. It would have been bad indeed if the Dark Lord had realized she was still alive. "Alright. Let's talk about the newspaper." She needed to at least start figuring that out and she was kind of done with talking about dead people for the moment, even if one of the dead people was herself.
"Okay."
"Severus says this isn't going to get better. That this is a rest of my life kind of thing."
"In what way?" Torey asked.
"That people are going to keep talking about me and looking at me. That they're going to keep publishing articles about me and talking about me on the Wireless. Forever."
"Forever is a long time. And I think it's likely true that you're going to be a public figure for the rest of your life, but it's not always going to be as intense as it is right now either."
"Severus says I need to learn to ignore what they're printing about me. He wants me to publish this thing, this article, about the modified Dreamless Sleep potion that I invented. But if I do that, people are going to think I have an addiction to sleeping potions or something. I don't want people to think that."
"I'm not sure that ignoring the articles is necessarily the right way to go about things, but I think you can decide how much they mean to you and how much you want to let them control what you do. For example, with the article about the sleeping potions, let's say that someone does draw that conclusion about you. What happens next?" Torey asked.
Rachel sighed. "I don't want people to think I have an addiction to sleeping potions. I don't. But I don't want them to know the reason I invented the potion either."
"But what happens if they do believe that?"
She sat and tried to find the conclusion that Torey wanted her to find. "I can't just say that I don't. No one would believe that."
"Are you worried that them saying that might affect what would happen when you have a job? Or about what people you know will think of you?" Torey asked.
Rachel hadn't even thought of what an employer might think of that. "I know the people who really know me won't think that. And I know that their opinion is what matters, not just random people."
"But their opinion is not as important as your own knowledge and opinion of yourself. You know the truth. You know who you are."
Sometimes Rachel wasn't even sure who she was. She was a mess, which just about summed her up at the moment.
"You're right that people are going to say things about you that you don't want them to say. They've been doing that for years now. You can't control that, you can only control your own response. Do you want to second guess yourself for every potion you invent, thinking of how someone might construe it?"
"No. But I don't know how to just not care."
"I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't care. It's pretty natural to care about what people are saying about you. What I'm trying to say is that you get to decide how much you want that to limit what you can do," Torey said, nodding slightly.
Torey was right that she didn't want to be living her entire life worried about what might be in the newspaper the next day. "I wish I could just tell people not to talk about me."
"I know. I wish it worked that way too, but it doesn't. I think you're probably going to have to be fairly zealous about your privacy. That includes things like being aware of who you're giving information to and keeping good wards on your home. The best solution here would be for the newspapers to be focused on your public life with what you're doing in the Wizengamot. And I suspect that over time, that's where most of their focus will wind up."
"I have a disguise cloak. I'm going to see if I can get something to disguise me in the summer as well," Rachel said.
"That's a good solution. That will help you be able to move through public spaces without being mobbed by people or photographed," Torey said.
Rachel didn't know how many public spaces she particularly wanted to be in, but she figured the disguise was necessary anyway. She thought it might be a long time before she was comfortable being out of warded places. "I guess it's controlling what I can control, and then sort of accepting the rest."
Torey nodded. "That's pretty much a good life philosophy. You control what you can control, and the rest you manage the best you can."
It was far from a perfect answer, but it was at least a start.
Rachel and Severus apparated to the Hogwarts gate just before two o'clock on Sunday. Rachel was back in her school uniform and robes and was feeling a little nervous about seeing everyone. She hadn't really seen people other than her friends since that last day at Hogwarts and now people had time to listen to all of the rumors.
The gate let them through, which was interesting because Rachel wasn't a student and Severus was no longer staff, but they made their way toward the gathering of people on the grass in front of the castle.
"If you want to leave, you only have to tell me and we will go," he said softly.
"Okay. You too. If you don't want to stay," she told him.
"Do you wish to stay at my side?" he offered.
"No, I'm going to say hello to a couple of people, if that's alright."
"That's fine, just come to me if you need me or if you wish for a reprieve. This is a small enough gathering that you shouldn't be mobbed, but I have no wish for people to treat you indelicately, especially at a memorial service."
Rachel wasn't sure what people treating her indelicately looked like. She supposed she'd find out.
"Severus," Professor McGonagall said as she approached. "And Rachel. I'm glad you decided to come."
"Of course. We wished to be here," Severus said. "How are you?"
"Well enough, I suppose. And yourself?" Professor McGonagall asked.
"We are managing," Severus said.
Professor McGonagall nodded and looked at Rachel. "Are you well, Rachel?"
"Working on it," Rachel said, which was true enough.
"Understandably so. I know people are expecting a great deal of you right now. Take things at your own pace, as much as possible. The Ministry is full of people with their own agendas and they will try to use you to further themselves. Set your own path," she advised.
Rachel nodded. If only she knew how to do that. She didn't even know what these people would want from her.
"I am also reminding you and your friends that you should register with the Ministry before the end of summer. You have a three month leeway period from the time you first achieve your animal form, as you are still considered to be in training directly after that."
"I will," Rachel promised, though she wondered if that was going to wind up being publicized as well. "Are you going to get in trouble for mentoring us?"
"No. You were all of age when I mentored you and I have the qualifications to teach the animagus transformation. It's not a done thing for it to be taught at Hogwarts, but there will be no trouble to come from it," Professor McGonagall said.
That was a relief.
"Rachel."
Rachel turned to see Cedric waving at her.
"You can go see your friends if you want to," Severus said.
"Thank you," Rachel told Professor McGonagall and left in the direction of where Cedric, Cho, Heidi, and Roland were standing together.
"How are you?" Heidi asked once Rachel had arrived.
Rachel suspected she was going to be answering that question a lot. "Alright for the most part. And you?"
"Okay enough, I suppose," Heidi said. "It's been a long couple of years."
Rachel nodded in agreement. "How are things with the aurors?" she asked Cedric.
Cedric shook his head and looked grim. "Pretty bad. A lot of us died at the Ministry trying to protect the people that were trapped. I wasn't on call that day, I didn't even hear about what was happening until I got the Patronus message from Sirius saying to get to Hogwarts. The MLE…we're in pretty bad shape. We've got just under twenty aurors left, including people who are still in the training program like me. They killed more than half of us. The MLE patrol was nearly wiped out. It was…it was bad."
Rachel nodded again. She had no idea what to say to that.
"In better news, we're bringing home Martin and his family after the elections," Roland said.
"That is good, I'm sure he'll be glad to see everyone again."
"It will be good to have everyone back, as much as possible," Cho said, looking a little sad as she glanced around. Cedric took her hand. "What are you planning on doing next?"
"Joining the Wizengamot, apparently," Rachel said.
Cedric smiled ever so slightly. "Never a dull moment for you, is there?"
"Not really," Rachel admitted. "What about all of you?"
"Heidi and I still have our Masteries ongoing. Cho is going to start her Mastery in September. We're going to help Martin get settled and I think he's planning on trying to find someone to apprentice to, if not this year, then next," Roland said. "Mastery for you? Potions, right?"
"Possibly, I haven't received my NEWT scores yet."
Cedric shook his head. "If anyone would have done well on their NEWTs, it would be you and your friends. You have nothing to worry about."
"People are going to be falling over themselves to apprentice you anyway. Not just because of who you are, but you had specialized training from Professor Snape and won the Potions Championship," Heidi said.
Rachel hoped that was true. She didn't want someone agreeing to apprentice her just because of her name or the whole Girl-Who-Lived stuff.
"Keep in touch, alright?" Cedric asked.
"I will," Rachel said.
"There's Tracey, I need to go see her," Cho said.
"We'll come with you," Heidi said. "We'll see you around, Rachel."
"You will," Rachel said. She decided she'd try to talk with Tracey in a little bit as well, even though she wasn't sure what to say.
She turned as she looked around the memorial. She recognized most of the people there. The Weasley family was standing and speaking with Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick. Severus was speaking with two people she didn't recognize. Professor Sprout was also with two people she didn't recognize, but she could guess from the man's appearance that they were Felix's parents. Parvati and Padma were standing with two families, one theirs and if Rachel had to guess she'd say the other was Lavender's family. Susan, Hannah, Anthony, and Terry were gathered together with their families. She saw Hermione, Theo, Neville, and Draco standing together. Millie and Isobelle were with their parents, speaking with Professor Vector. Luna and her father were talking with Hagrid. Sirius and Remus were with Tonks and Kingsley, and there were other people that she vaguely recognized as Order members about.
"Rachel?"
Rachel turned and found Gemma approaching. "Hello."
"How are you?" Gemma asked, then paused. "Probably a stupid question."
Rachel shrugged. "I'm so-so. Working on things."
Gemma nodded. "It will take time for all of us, I think. I'm working on some things myself."
"Are you staying at Hogwarts next year?" she asked.
"Yes. Professor Dumbledore hired me as the Defense professor and as Slytherin Head of House. It will be a challenge, but I think it will be good. I'll miss having Severus around," Gemma said. "How is he?"
"Mostly helping me figure things out, but he's expanding his brewing space and he's building a greenhouse."
Gemma smiled. "That will be good for him, I think. He was a good Head of House, but looking back, I'm not really sure he wanted to be a professor."
"I think what he did was important to him, I know he cared a lot about the students, but I think it will be good for him to pursue a career that he really wants," Rachel hedged.
"I'm sure the Guild will be glad to have him back," Gemma said.
"Are you planning on teaching the Patronus charm as part of the Defense curriculum?" Rachel asked, hoping that would be the case.
"Yes, with your methods. I'm going to start them on the non-corporeal Patronus in third year and then hope to have everyone with a corporeal Patronus by the time they take their OWLs."
"That's great. I think it's a really important spell."
"It's much more useful than people give it credit for. I think we're going to have to set rules about sending Patronus messages during class hours though," Gemma said.
"Probably." Rachel smiled. That was a good problem to have.
"Ah, I see Miriam's family. Keep in touch, alright? Tell me all the ridiculous things the newspaper has gotten wrong."
"I will," Rachel promised.
Rachel wandered for a bit, mostly just noting that the grass had been regrown and there were now no signs of the battle. No signs other than the new memorial stone. She walked up to it and read down the list of names. Eighteen people had died at the battle, not counting the Death Eaters. She knew that wasn't a lot compared to the massacre at the Ministry, but it felt like a lot.
"I felt it was necessary to give them a permanent memorial on the grounds, to mark their sacrifice for the students and the school."
Rachel jolted and turned to look at where Professor Dumbledore had joined her. She looked back at the memorial stone again and realized what she wanted to say. "Can we add Professor Nash's name? I know she wasn't at the battle, but she did die protecting students from Death Eaters."
"I think that would be a very good idea," he said, stepping closer.
Rachel stepped back and watched him work, noticing that his wand was in his left hand and that his right now seemed to be entirely immobile. 'Professor Maureen Nash' appeared in a neat engraving beneath the other professors' names. "Thank you," she said.
"No, thank you for thinking of it. There is something I would like to offer you, if that's alright?" Professor Dumbledore asked, turning to refocus his gaze on Rachel.
"Alright," she said, not sure at all what to expect from a question like that.
"Would you like to have Gladys? You will need an owl of your own now and I believe she has grown quite attached to you."
"Would that be alright? I mean, I could pay you for her," Rachel offered.
Professor Dumbledore shook his head. "No payment necessary. Consider this me placing a creature in the environment that would suit her best, somewhere I know she'll be well cared for and can help you on your journey."
Rachel thought of Severus and decided they'd had Gladys there over the summers before and that she'd be moving out soon anyway. "Then yes, thank you. I'd like that very much."
"I will make certain Gladys understands the situation and then send her to you later this evening. How are you and Severus doing?" he asked.
"We're trying to figure things out." Rachel paused and then decided she needed to say something. "I don't blame you. I'm not mad at you. I know Severus is, but I'm not. He doesn't seem to understand, even though I tried to explain that things had to happen the way that they did."
"I'm glad that you understand, but I also have compassion for why Severus doesn't. I think you will understand that better when you have a child yourself," Professor Dumbledore said, bowing his head.
Rachel wasn't particularly planning on having any children herself. She couldn't see herself as a parent at all. Not to mention the type of life she'd be consigning any child she had to. They wouldn't be able to escape the newspapers and the gossip just like she couldn't.
"For now, as much as I miss Severus' companionship, I am glad that he is providing guidance and care to you," Professor Dumbledore continued.
"I'm glad he is too. I couldn't do this without him. Do you know what's going to happen when I join the Wizengamot? Are they going to question me about what happened at the battle?" She suspected out of everyone, Professor Dumbledore would be the person who could answer that question.
"I will work with Rufus and Amelia to try to prevent that from happening. And if it does happen we will try to limit the questioning. The first order of business for the new Wizengamot will be electing a new Chief Warlock. I anticipate that you will be nominated and will also likely have enough sway to be elected, but for now, I also suggest you decline the nomination while you adjust to being a member of the Wizengamot. You can use that as your excuse, that you would like time to adjust to the workings of the Wizengamot and feel you can take the position at a later time in your life," Professor Dumbledore said.
Rachel nodded. She was grateful that he had warned her. "I will decline. Is there anything else I should know?"
"A great deal will depend on who is elected. We'll know more at the end of July. We should start seeing Death Eater trials in September, which will be a harrowing experience for us all, I believe. Once we are through the trials, we can begin repairing any legislative damage that has been done these past three years. If you ever have questions, I am only an owl away."
"Thank you," Rachel said. That matched with what everyone else had been telling her.
She looked back at the memorial stone, reading the names again. This was the cost of winning the war. The cost had been far too high.
Severus finished giving his regards to Arthur and Molly and then broke away from the small group to speak with Tristram's parents, who had just arrived. His mother looked ill and drawn. His father was looking around the service with a severe expression.
"Mr. and Mrs. Bassenthwaite," Severus said, inclining his head slightly.
"Professor Snape. No longer a professor, or so I hear?" Mr. Bassenthwaite asked.
It seemed that word traveled fast. "That's correct. I'm resigning to return to my work with the Potions Guild," Severus said, trying to make it seem as though this was something he was doing purely because he wished to further his career after eighteen years of teaching. The number daunted him slightly. Had it really been eighteen years? It must have been. Rachel was on the cusp of turning eighteen and he had been teaching since a month after she was born.
Mrs. Bassenthwaite looked at him, her sharp blue eyes peering into his. "I imagine it would have been difficult to return, after losing so many. After losing students."
"Yes." While that had not factored into his decision to leave, he knew that she was right. He had lost too many students these past few years, both to death and to the Death Eaters. He looked for Rachel as he felt his heart squeeze at the reminder. She was with Cedric and his friends, all of them looking worried and worn.
"We wanted to thank you for the note you sent us. We've been working on the obituary. We're not quite ready to send it in yet, but your words helped us start to put together what we wanted to say," Mr. Bassenthwaite said.
"Tristram was a fine young man. I am proud of him," Severus said. That was true as well. He was proud, and also deeply regretful. He wished he had found a way to better shield his students from the war. He'd put so much effort into protecting them from the Death Eaters that he didn't think to protect them from Albus.
"We will leave you be," Mrs. Bassenthwaite took his hand and squeezed it before she stepped away.
Severus took another look around the gathering and spotted Tracey standing alone at the edge. He frowned as he realized her father was not with her. He had never liked Mr. Nettlebed, but he wished he was now here supporting his daughter. Severus carefully made his way over to her, nodding at several people as he passed them, though none moved to stop him.
"Miss Nettlebed." He paused and when she didn't look up, he spoke again. "Tracey."
Tracey looked at him then, seeming surprised to find him there. "Professor Snape."
"Severus, please. I am no longer your professor, or anyone's professor."
"You left Hogwarts?"
"Yes."
"Because of what happened?" she asked, her eyes locked on him now.
"In part," he allowed.
"I didn't think I could come back here. I don't want to be here, but I felt like I should."
"You do not have to stay here if you do not want to. No one will think less of you. Would you like me to escort you to the gate?" he offered.
Tracey shook her head. "No. I want to be here. I mean, I don't want to be here, but…well. I need to be here. For me. For him."
Severus nodded his understanding. "Have you put some thought into seeing a Mind Healer?"
"St. Mungo's gave me a referral to someone who specializes in traumatic death. I haven't been. I don't want to change the way I feel about Tristram. I don't want someone to do that to me."
"They will not forcibly change anything. They are not trying to change how you feel about him. It's about giving you a chance to talk about him with someone and come to terms with your own feelings so you can continue your life," he said, wondering if there wasn't something that could be done so that people understood Mind Healers better. He knew many people had misconceptions about them and about what happened in sessions with them.
"We agreed not to date until after Hogwarts. We both took everything so seriously. And now I wish we hadn't done that because we could have had more time together." Tears started running down Tracey's cheeks. "Sorry. I was trying not to cry here."
"It's alright. You are allowed to cry. It is only natural to cry." Severus once again checked on Rachel and thought about how different this would be if she hadn't come back. Even if Albus had somehow prevailed over the Dark Lord, Severus didn't think he would be here right now. If he had truly lost Rachel, Severus wasn't sure what would have become of his own life.
"I just need to be alone for a minute," Tracey managed to say. "Please."
"Of course," Severus said, stepping away with a heavy heart.
He wandered again, stopping to check in with a few of his former colleagues. He saw Pomona with Felix's parents. Minerva had moved on and was with the Patils and the Browns. Filius was speaking with a couple who must have been Melanie's parents. He was certain the Creeveys must have been invited, there were ways to allow muggles onto Hogwarts' grounds, but he did not see Dennis or anyone who was obviously a muggle.
Tonks broke away from where she was standing with Shacklebolt, Black, and Lupin and came up to him. For once, her hair was its natural mousy brown instead of some bright color. "I got your letter. If you need someone to escort Rachel through the Ministry, I can do it. She's really an animagus?"
"Yes, she is," Severus said.
"Where on earth did she find the time to do that?" Tonks asked.
"Honestly, I haven't the slightest idea. I'm not sure that Rachel slept all of last year." He wasn't sure that Rachel was sleeping now. She still had dark circles under her eyes and looked more gaunt and pale than he would prefer.
"Well, I can get her to the Improper Use of Magic office just fine. Madam Bones' schedule is pretty full, but she'll make time for Rachel. Just let us know when her appointment is and we'll get her into Madam Bones' office," Tonks said.
"Thank you, we both appreciate that," Severus said. "How are you?"
Tonks shook her head. "I think that's a question better left unasked right now."
"Alright." He certainly didn't wish to pry.
"Just let me know when Rachel needs me, I'll be there," she said.
"Thank you." Severus began to move through the gathering again. He had no desire to talk with Black, though he would make a point to check on Malcolm later.
Across the lawn he noticed Rachel speaking with Albus at the memorial stone. He watched, wondering what Albus was saying to her. Finally Rachel stepped away, her expression somber. Severus met Albus' eyes and then turned away. He had nothing to say to the man.
About ten minutes later they gathered as a large group around the memorial stone. Rachel had found him and was standing by his side.
Severus bowed his head and listened as heroic actions were recounted, a call for unity and peace was given, and a naming of the dead. He thought this was about as much of a memorial service as he could bear. At the end of the speech there was a lighting of wands. This was done at some of the more old fashioned memorials, though there were no bodies to inhume for this service. All of those who had fallen at Hogwarts would be buried in their families' plots.
After the service finished, Severus guided Rachel back to the gate and they apparated home.
"Are you alright?" he asked, uncertain of what Rachel's response to the service would be.
Rachel nodded, though she looked a little sad. "Are you?"
"More or less," he allowed.
"I think I'm going to go sit outside for a bit," she said as she shrugged off her robes. "And change. I think I'm kind of done wearing a Hogwarts uniform."
"Understandably so. Do you want someone to sit with you?"
"No. Unless you want company?"
"Not at this time, but I am here if you wish to be with someone," he said, not wanting her to think she couldn't come to him. "What did Albus say to you?"
"He wanted to know if I would take Gladys. I said yes. I know you don't want an owl, but I'll only be here a few more months. Is that okay?" she asked, looking a little worried.
"That's fine, I do not mind having Gladys here. Please be cautious about who you accept gifts from as many people will use that to attempt to manipulate you later," he cautioned, more than a little irritated that Albus would do such a thing.
"How am I supposed to stop people from giving me things?" she asked.
"A polite refusal, such as telling them it is too much, or that you appreciate the offer but can't accept it. I'm hoping that most of the Wizengamot will be above such things, but there will be some undoubtedly. It's fine that you agreed to take Gladys, I just want you to use caution," he elaborated.
"Professor Dumbledore said that they might try to nominate me for the Chief Warlock position."
Severus sighed. He could see that happening. "If that happens, you should politely decline the nomination and say that you would like some experience in the Wizengamot before taking such a position."
"That's what he said too."
"Good." Severus rather suspected that Albus would use the opportunity to take the Chief Warlock position again, but Rachel was not in a good place to have it at this stage. Maybe in another seven or fourteen years.
"He said that the Death Eater trials are going to be harrowing. What did he mean?" she asked, looking worried.
"He means you will spend several months listening to recountings of heinous crimes and then condemning the Death Eaters to Azkaban. I wish I had a way to spare you from this," he said, wondering if the right step would be for Rachel to resign her seat.
"I bet Draco knows a number of those people."
"It's likely that he does." Draco likely also knew quite a number of the people who had died as well. Severus decided that he was going to make a point to check on Draco, Theo, and Malcolm in the next few days. They shouldn't be dealing with all of this on their own.
"This is going to suck. I spent all this time wanting the war to be over, and it is, but it's really not."
"The after effects will continue for some time, but it will get better. The bulk of the Death Eater trials will be over by November, and then we can move on to other things," he assured her.
She sighed. "I'm going to go now. I need to stop thinking for a bit."
"Alright. I'm here if you need someone to talk with."
"Thanks," Rachel went up the stairs, her steps slow and dragging.
Severus collected a few things from his office and sat down in his armchair. He also needed to redirect his thoughts for a while.
Rachel found that she couldn't sleep that night and she didn't want to distract herself with books and music. Some things were too important to distract from. She was supposed to think about some things. They were important.
She went downstairs and sat in the kitchen with Gladys for a while, stroking her feathers and talking to her in little murmurs about how she was a good owl and that she'd get more rest with Rachel and it would be okay that she wasn't at Hogwarts any longer. It was hard to tell what Gladys thought of all of that. Rachel suspected that being able to talk to owls would be a much more useful ability than being able to talk to snakes. She wondered if she could even still do that, now that she wasn't carrying a piece of the Dark Lord with her. She wasn't sure if it was his ability or hers. Her mental architecture and occlumency didn't seem to be affected by the Dark Lord's absence.
It was still disturbing to her that she'd had the Dark Lord inside her for her entire life without ever knowing. Without ever suspecting. It also gave her new insight as to how Ginny must have felt when she realized what the diary was doing to her. Out of everyone, Ginny was the person who could come closest to understanding what it meant to have the Dark Lord in her head. Rachel wondered what would have happened if Ginny hadn't gotten rid of the diary. Would Tom Riddle eventually have replaced her entirely? Would Ginny have been trapped in her own mind while Tom Riddle controlled her body? If Rachel hadn't killed the Dark Lord on that Sunday, would he have been able to control her body?
Rachel felt like she and Ginny had both come very close to the precipice of full possession without ever realizing how close it was while it was happening. It was very easy to look at the war and to see places where things could have gone much worse. But it was also easy to look and see where things had gone badly wrong.
When Gladys took off to go hunt in the moonlight, Rachel returned to the sitting room and curled up on the sofa. After sitting for a moment she closed her eyes and went into her mental architecture. It was hard to tell, but she thought her stained glass window was still changing. It looked different somehow, but she couldn't pinpoint exactly what had changed.
She went slowly through her mind, checking each memory room to make sure things were secure and then checking the areas downstairs for any signs of damage or change. Just in case. She'd learned her lesson about not paying attention to her own mind. Everything seemed to be just as she'd left it, so she went down the hallway with her cupboard and manifestation. The cupboard door was open and her manifestation was still curled up on the cot, clutching her pink blanket.
Rachel sat down on the floor across from her and fought with her own emotions for a few minutes. She still didn't like her manifestation. She didn't want her in her mind. Looking at her made her feel disgusted and angry and like she wanted to lash out. It was strange, because she didn't feel those feelings almost anywhere else. "You can come out of there," she said when she felt moderately in control.
Her manifestation peered back at her, looking wary and hurt.
"I know you had to stay there to keep the Dark Lord out, but he really is gone now. I promise. I killed him. And you can see for yourself that the connection is gone."
There was no response.
She sighed. "I would like you not to be in that cupboard. I don't like seeing it. I'm pretty sure that if I work carefully, I can get rid of the cupboard altogether, but I can't do it while you're in there." She would check with Torey before she made any major alterations to her mind, but getting her manifestation out of the cupboard had to come first. "Do you want to learn to talk? That's the first thing that Torey and Severus helped me with. They gave me a safe place and then taught me how to talk so I could tell them what was happening."
More silence. Rachel supposed at least her manifestation wasn't screaming or freaking out.
"I'll tell you how I did it, and then you can try it without me here watching you. I don't like people watching me either. Hold your lips and tongue as though you were about to make the sound of a letter and then blow air through them. Go through the alphabet a bunch. Once you've done that, pick simple words and sort of sound them out with your mouth. It will take time. It took me almost a year. Can you write?"
Rachel held her hands out in front of her and closed her eyes. She imagined a book like the ones she kept with her friends, with all the pages blank. Then she focused on making that a reality. She could feel the smooth cover, hear the pages as they turned, the sound of a quill scratching as it wrote. Then she did the same for a quill. When she opened her eyes, the items were beneath her hands.
Very carefully she brought the book and the quill over to the edge of the cot and placed them before her manifestation. "Try writing in that. I'll leave it with you and I'll check for a message next time I'm here. If you can't write words, maybe make a drawing. I'll be back…I don't know when I'll be back. Probably the next time I can't sleep. In the meantime, you know how to let me know if something is wrong."
She focused on opening her eyes back in her body and the sitting room appeared before her. That had gone about as well as it possibly could have, she supposed, but she'd still really like to get rid of that damn cupboard. She'd been in her mind longer than she'd thought. There was just the hint of the lightening of the sky outside the windows.
Her thoughts fell back to the memorial. It had felt inadequate, but she wasn't sure what else could have been done. She felt like she was searching for a way to make it better somehow, but there wasn't one.
The sound of the shower upstairs told her that Severus was awake and that he was having difficulty sleeping as well. She wondered if everyone was having this problem.
Twenty minutes later Severus came down the stairs, his gaze immediately settling on her. "Have you slept at all?"
"No. You?"
"Not much," he said, sitting next to her on the sofa instead of in his armchair.
Rachel exhaled. "I really did come to the battle as quickly as I could. I don't know how I could have gotten there faster. I was unconscious."
"No one blames you. Please do not blame yourself for what happened that day. I know that if you could have come sooner, you would have. Everyone who was there knows that. Did someone say something to you at the memorial?"
"No. I just…I keep thinking of what I'd change if I could."
Severus nodded. "I understand. I saw things…I would like to fix some things as well if I could. At some moments my attention was focused on someone else, or I was too far away to intercede where I might have saved a life. But we cannot fix the way the battle played out. Nor can we fix the war."
Rachel held her guilt and tried to figure out what to do with it. "Time travel is real, isn't it? People talk about it as though it's real."
"Time travel is real, but it is also not a viable option."
"Why?"
"The most common and reliable method of time travel is by using a Time Turner. Those are tightly regulated by the Department of Mysteries and you can go back a week at most while using them," Severus began.
"Then you'd think the Department of Mysteries would have contacted us right away so that we could fix what happened," Rachel said.
"What would you have changed?" Severus asked.
"I would have had the school evacuated entirely, students and professors. I would have told the Ministry to close their floos so the Death Eaters couldn't get in. I'd have them put a bunch of aurors at St. Mungo's so they could stop the Death Eaters there."
"I'm not certain that the Ministry would have shut down on your word."
"Professor Dumbledore would have believed me." She was certain of that. "And they would have listened to him."
"Perhaps, but there are many other things that could go wrong with that plan as well. With time travel it is always important to prevent your past self from seeing your future self. There are reported incidents where time travelers have killed themselves or otherwise caused disaster by being seen. As far as I'm aware, there are no recorded or publicized attempts at changing the timeline where people have been aware of the time travel. It is always done in the utmost of secrecy. There is another problem with this plan as well."
"What's that?"
"It's possible that time travel simply creates what's known as branching universes. By time traveling, you may be creating one timeline and leaving the other behind as it is," he explained.
"So nothing really gets fixed. You said Time Turners are the most common and reliable. There are other methods?" she asked.
"There are, though they're all highly guarded secrets and there are no reports of them actually working. Sometimes it's publicized that a person disappeared while attempting to time travel and we don't know what became of them. It's possible they died, vanished themselves, or did something else entirely."
Rachel frowned. "You'd just think that more people would want to fix this. Or fix the last war. Or the war with Grindelwald."
"And the fact that no one has suggests to me that it can't be done. There are many many people who would like to change what happened. If it could be done, it would have been done already."
"In the books I read, it didn't work either," she admitted. She had two separate book series that used Time Turners, but in neither of them had they been able to fix what they were trying to fix.
"You have offered far more of yourself for this war than anyone could have asked for. More than anyone should have asked for. The outcome was not your fault. You prevented this war from continuing and kept us from losing Britain entirely. It does not seem this way right now, but ending the war the way you did was the best possible outcome."
Rachel couldn't possibly see what happened as the best outcome. "I keep thinking of all that time after we got the cup. I could have lured him somewhere. The massacre at the Ministry didn't need to happen. Those students and professors didn't need to be killed."
"Could you have lured him somewhere? Based on what we tried, I don't think that's true," Severus said steadily.
"Professor Dumbledore didn't want me to send the Dark Lord a letter or a Patronus message. There was a lot of time in between the times he spoke with me in my dreams."
"Why would a letter or a Patronus message have worked better than you having a conversation with him?"
"If I told him I was going to be somewhere, he would have showed up."
"I'm not sure that's true. I think the Dark Lord had a plan and he followed it. When the Dark Lord decides that something will be true, he puts forth all effort to make it happen that way, even when it's unreasonable or disadvantageous to him. He wanted this battle to be at Hogwarts. It was symbolic for him. He wanted to take magical Britain in one fell swoop. I have no doubts his goals were to kill the Minister, Madam Bones, Albus, me, and you. With that, all of the powers that oppose him would be decentralized. Taking Britain was a given after that. I don't think you could have moved him from his plan."
"Are you sure?" she asked. It made sense, but she wanted things to be different so badly.
"As sure as anyone can be when ascribing motivation to someone else. It's possible that I'm wrong, but I knew the Dark Lord for a number of years and I'm familiar with his idiosyncrasies. He likes grand gestures. He likes displays of power. You've seen that for yourself. He would not have been satisfied with an out of the way battle with the Order." Severus paused and then set his hand on Rachel's shoulder. "We cannot change the past. It doesn't do us good to dwell on what we might have done differently. We can't learn from it, because there will not be another situation like this to apply those lessons to."
Rachel was less confident about that. There had been three wars in the past sixty years about magical and blood superiority. People marked Grindelwald and the Dark Lord as being the problems, but she didn't think that was quite right. No matter how powerful one person was, they were only one person. The amount of death and destruction they could cause was limited. You couldn't have a war against one person.
No, what made them powerful was their followers and the people that agreed with them. And those people hadn't gone away.
"What do we do?" she asked.
"We mourn for our losses, support each other, and we keep going. We do what we can to help things be better. I'm afraid that's about all we can do."
It was an unsatisfactory answer, but Rachel suspected he was right. The only path was forward.