A/N: I have a cold. This story came out of my brain from this oddly happy but cold-addled state of being. Also, though I have tried to start more angst driven stories for FF16...I can't seem to make any of those more serious stories work. Perhaps it is because these characters deal with so much in the canon material that I find myself unable to write anything serious for this fandom right now. At any rate, this story is a mild crossover between NieR Replicant & Final Fantasy 16. This story is...full on crack humor and some Clive/Jill fluff because why not. That's all I can say. I hope you guys will enjoy the ridiculousness. Thanks for reading! Best wishes and God bless you all!
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 16 and NieR Replicant belong to their respective owners. This is merely a Fanfiction made for entertainment purposes.
Warnings: There is...no real plot to this story. It is...silly. Do not take this story seriously at all. I can't explain any of it.
The New Tale of Grimoire Weiss
-1-
Joshua Rosfield often found solace between the pages of a book. Whether it was for research or brief escapism, the dusty musk of tomes and ancient parchments captivated him and eased the mounting stress of Ultima's schemes against humanity. When he wasn't traveling with Clive or assisting in menial tasks around the Hideaway, (much to Jote's constant chagrin since his health was becoming increasingly worse by the day), Joshua could be found in the library perusing the shelves while Harpocrates worked diligently on his own research.
One day, the wise scholar had requested his and Clive's assistance in a search for a shipment of books recovered from the remnants of the Sanbreque's capital city. Upon arrival to the forests beyond Northreach, the two brothers quickly dispatched the hoard of Akashic beasts attacking the small caravan, thus saving the merchants and the precious shipment of books Harpocrates coveted.
Just another day's work, really.
Their swift return to the Hideaway was a quiet affair aside from Midadol swooping in to drag Clive away to help her with some engineering project. Torgal dashed off soon after to beg Charon for treats and Jill for belly rubs. Prince Dion remained at his usual post outside the threshold to the Hideaway's main area of commerce and activity, a solemn frown ever present on his face while Gav and Byron conversed at the Tub & Crown with boisterous laughs echoing through the space.
The peaceful atmosphere made Joshua a little uneasy.
Even so, he ignored these emotions and hastily delivered the shipment of books to Harpocrates before dashing back to the Tub & Crown to request a cup of peppermint tea.
A few minutes later, Joshua eases himself into a chair before one of the library's small desks with his steaming cup of tea in one hand and the novel he started reading during his last venture into the scholar's domain within the other. His earlier apprehension long forgotten, the young man settles in for a journey of the mind, gingerly opens the book before him, and removes the leather strap he had used to mark the last page he read.
"Truly...a life full of simple pleasures like this are the purest taste of heaven," he muses with a soft chuckle. "Now then...Chapter 3..."
He lifts the cup of piping hot tea near his lips...
"CLACK BOOM CLACK BOOM CLACK CLACK CLACK!"
The abrupt, shrill disturbance jostles Joshua into a sharp movement that sends scalding liquid sloshing over the rim of his cup and straight onto his chest.
"Gaaaaaah! Hot! Hot! HOT!"
Harpocrates' quill pen skids across the page and knocks over a vial of ink near his trembling fingers thanks to Joshua's sudden screaming. The old scholar remains silent for a moment after the initial shock wears off, his heart sinking fast at the ugly splotch spreading across his precious research.
"Oh dear…"
"CLACK BOOM CLACK BOOM CLACK CLACK CLACK!"
"By the flames," Joshua chokes out, having also burned his tongue. With a groan, he slams his mug down on the desk. "What in Founder's name was that!?"
The older man scans the room, his tired eyes searching for the source of the muffled noise his ears could barely pick up. After a few moments of silence, the sound makes itself known again, prompting his focus toward the back of the room.
There on the floor he spots the crate Joshua brought in.
"CLACK BOOM CLACK BOOM BOOM BOOM!"
Rising from his desk, Harpocrates approaches the shaking crate, curiosity clearly displayed on his face. Joshua hurriedly dabs at the page of the book he was reading, murmuring quiet, polite profanities all the while.
"I knew things were becoming too relaxed around here," he whispers, barely aware of the old man's movements on the other end of the room.
He probably should have paid more attention…
For behold, as Harpocrates moves to open the crate, another muffled noise escapes.
"By my very pages…I was not made to dwell in confined spaces! No doubt the hussy put me in here as some blatantly poor attempt at comedy! She will rue the day she dared to pull a prank on me!"
Suddenly, the crate glows crimson, drawing Joshua's undivided attention a few seconds too late.
"Harpocrates!"
Before the scholar can even think to move, the crate bursts open with a power so potent it hurls him across the space as if he were a flimsy rag-doll rather than a person. His harsh landing along the wooden floor is the only indication he weighed anything at all.
Gritting his teeth, Joshua runs to his side while keeping the dark energy in his peripheral vision.
"Are you hurt?" he asks once he's kneeling by Harpocrates' side.
The man's eyes are practically rolling in circles. "Dear Joshua…that question…is about as daft as questions get."
Joshua ignores the jibe. "Can you move at all?"
"I have fallen…and I cannot get up," Harpocrates answers in a truly miserable tone as he flings one of his arms over his eyes. "My hip…is most likely broken. I am afraid that this is where it all ends…"
"Uncle's theatrics are rubbing off on you it seems," Joshua replies, returning his focus toward the dissipating energy in the center of the room. Someone must have noticed all the screaming and clattering by now, which means he will not have to wait long for assistance in eliminating the source of this violent energy.
However, when the magic fades…
Joshua's mouth falls agape.
"Have I gone mad?"
Before the Phoenix's very eyes is a floating…book.
Just then, the doors to the library open and Dion enters, his face contorted into a scowl fit for a man about to engage in a truly fearsome battle…
Only to turn on his heel and see…the floating book.
"Is this another one of Ultima's tricks?" he questions uneasily, his expression now conveying confusion more than anything else.
The book in question pivots in mid-air, turning toward the newcomer before turning back to face Joshua and Harpocrates.
"It would seem the presence of Grimoire Weiss has left all of you in awe…"
"Make way! Coming through!"
Gav rushes through the doorway without noticing the presence of the floating book. He's on his knees in an instant, examining Joshua and Harpocrates for injuries. The old scholar looked as if he were having a heart attack that very second thanks to the shock of hearing a book talk, but poor Gav was not aware of this fact just yet.
"What happened?" he exclaims, his gaze darting between the two men. "Who did this to Harpocrates…"
"ARE YOU IGNORING ME!? ME! THE GREAT GRIMOIRE WEISS!"
The scout pauses in his speech then turns slightly, finally seeing...the floating book.
Silence permeates the room…for roughly two seconds.
"Buggar me! I'm never drinking again!"
The grimoire chuckles deeply. "Your eyes do not deceive you, mere mortal. I am Grimoire Weiss, wielder of arcane magics. My very name…"
"Hey! What's all this here ruckus about?"
Mid squeezes her way into the room, brushing past a shell-shocked Dion before taking in the other three men cowering on the ground. Then, pivoting on her heel, she glances at the floating book and sighs.
"Is this what all that screamin' was for?" she moans, drawing closer to the tome encased in silver carvings creating the shape of a face on its cover. "You lot have seen more ghastly sights than most see in a lifetime yet ye bloomin' quacks are gapin' at a book?"
"Now see here, Madame! I am no mere tome…"
"Is that…sweet Midadol I hear," Harpocrate's rasps out, disrupting the book's speech. "Dear girl…your father…would be so proud…"
"Save the sentimental talk for when ye actually dyin' eh," Mid interrupts, shaking her head in clear exasperation. "And for goodness sake, Joshua. Pick ye mouth up off the floor before the flies get in it."
"Yes lad," Weiss chimes in, clearly agitated. "I realize my presence is overwhelming but…"
"You could have lit up this book ages ago," Mid cuts in, completely oblivious to the sudden chill that shakes through the book at the mere mention of fire. "You forget who ye are?"
Joshua blinks slowly, the shock finally giving way to sharp realization.
"Yes. For a few seconds…I did."
An evil smirk lifts the corners of Joshua's mouth and Weiss knows from this look alone that he needs to do damage control…quickly.
"Now listen, lad…"
"You injured one of my friends and made me spill scalding, hot tea all over myself," Joshua growls, rising to his feet while conjuring a small flame in his left hand. "So then, how would you like to be kindling for our next meal?"
The ancient tome looks to his right and notices an equally vicious smirk on Dion's face.
"Is it…too late for negotiations?"
Unaware of the chaos unfolding in the Hideaway's library, Jill stands near the elevator watching the blighted seas, her mind drifting between beautiful memories and the ever-growing list of complications to the peaceful existence she wants to carve out with Clive by her side.
Speaking of the outlaw, he had just finished up some business with Otto and was currently on his way to Jill at that very moment with a small, but very obvious smile on his face. Even with Ultima's presence screaming out from the giant crystal in the heavens, his day-to-day tasks had lulled into a calm routine of preparations for after the cataclysmic threat was vanquished.
There were still many pressing matters on Clive's mind, however, the most important to him being the question of matrimony to his lady.
Of course, there were a few additional tasks he needed to complete before he could ask for Jill's hand, mainly that of crafting a suitable engagement ring.
He knew Jill was not a woman who needed any extravagance. Their togetherness was more than enough in her mind, but knowing this did nothing to stop Clive's desire to give her the best of what he could offer anyway.
Upon hearing his heavy footfalls, Jill inclines her gaze toward his.
"Clive."
She greets him warmly with her gentlest smile.
"My lady."
She raises her hand in offering. He grasps it tenderly, his eyes never leaving hers as he brushes his lips against her knuckles.
The kiss is chaste but the desire lingering in Clive's expression is anything but.
With pink lightly dusting her cheeks, Jill turns her attention back toward the billowing waves, a myriad of thoughts circulating in her head while her heart races rapidly through her chest. Clive chuckles lowly and wraps an arm around her waist. Her smile widens and she leans against his hold, enjoying the bliss of his presence.
Though the two are never short on topics to discuss, they relish in the comforting silence of true peace…
"I HAVE NEVER BEEN TREATED SO SHAMEFULLY IN MY LIFE!"
"Don't let em' get away!"
"How does a floating book move so bloody fast!? Keep still ye troublemaker!"
"YOU WRETCHED BARBARIANS! UNHAND ME! UNHAND ME THIS INSTANT! DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM!? I AM GRIMOIRE…"
"We know. And soon you will be nothing but ashes!"
"DOES DIPLOMACY MEAN NOTHING TO ANY OF YOU!?"
The unhinged chaos echoing in the distance derails any notions of romance for the lovebirds. Scowling, Clive and Jill exchange a wordless glance then follow the noises to the Tub & Crown…
What they find there makes them both pause.
"Listen to me, I can grant all of you power…"
"We don't need no stinkin' power," Gav all but growls, trying in vain to keep his hold on a book that was not only moving violently in said man's grip but was screaming bloody murder every few seconds.
Mid was laughing nearby, stoking a fire beneath a pot of boiling water.
"Alright boys. I say we rip out his pages one at a time, eh?"
"NO! What could I have possibly done to receive such malice!?"
Harpocrates, leaning heavily against Dion's body, wails in a manner that reminded Clive keenly of his Uncle Byron…
"My back! My poor, aching back…I am not long for this world! Ooooooooh!"
"Ah, there he is," Clive mutters to himself as his Uncle, drunk out of his skull, wanders into the mounting drama he had not been involved with at all until now.
Joshua, concentrating on the small puff of flame in his hand, glares pointedly at the book. "Does that answer your question?"
"THAT MAN ONLY JUST ARRIVED! SHOW SOME MERCY!"
Mid's laughter shakes through the entire mess hall. "That option became obsolete the instant ye called me a hussy, book!"
"I only said you REMINDED ME of a certain hussy! That is not the same as calling you a hussy, HUSSY!"
…
"Ignore that..."
Mid's smile widening, she nods at Joshua to begin.
"Let us have some fun, shall we?" With an almost feral grin, the Phoenix sends a tiny flame toward the now open talking book. The spark catches the edge of the first page, igniting it easily, and yet the flame was painfully slow to spread.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Clive and Jill watch the entire scene unfold from afar, knowing they should probably do something to stop this madness yet find themselves unable to do anything thanks to the shock of everyone losing their collective minds.
The fact that a book was vehemently screaming did not help matters.
Coughing once, Clive starts to motion Jill to follow him back to the elevator only to realize she had already taken the lead on the escape plan.
"AND JUST WHERE DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE GOING!? ARE YOU GOING TO JUST LET THESE CRETINS BURN ME ALIVE!?"
They are. They are doing exactly that.
"Say Jill, do you wish to accompany me to Dalimil?" Clive asks once he catches up to her. "There is…a rare stone near the area I need to collect."
"Of course," she responds easily, taking his hand in hers. "A small getaway sounds lovely."
And so, as the two lovebirds make haste to leave the Hideaway, Grimoire Weiss, a tome of great arcane magic, is destined for death by the flames of the Phoenix.
Joshua almost feels bad. After all, books have been a great solace to him for many years…
Unfortunately, this particular book has now ruined that form of escapism. He will never read again. Apparently…reading is a danger beyond anything Ultima could ever muster.
Even so…the clever and cunning book swiftly conjures a final strategy to save himself and gain petty revenge at the same time.
"Before you burn me alive page by page…would you at least pay me the courtesy of…a final request?"
Thus began the new tale of Grimoire Weiss.
A/N: This buffoonery is a two-shot. Stay tuned for the next chapter if you enjoyed this one. Thank you all for reading and God bless you guys!