Kiyotaka Ayanokouji's Soliloquy

I have never really questioned the purpose of my life. I'm not religious, nor am I wise in philosophy, but I am inevitably drawn to the thought of life and death.

All humans grow, develop, age, then die - it's a natural cycle. What happens after you die? I don't claim to know, but it's better to focus on the time you have left.

I heard from somewhere that the purpose of life is not to be happy, but to experience life to its fullest. At first, I thought they are one and the same; to experience life fully is to be happy. But I understand now; the purpose of life is to be content, not happy.

Being happy is a fleeting feeling. For a long time, I thought I wanted to feel happy, but that's not it. Eating ice-cream makes me happy, feeling normal makes me happy. It quickly goes, however, and does not feel meaningful.

When I was younger, I accepted the life that was given to me by my father. There wasn't much I could do to defy that man, but the road he paved for me wasn't a terrible one. Sometimes… I think back to that place, and how my life would've been had I never left.

I'm glad it was closed down; however temporary it was supposed to be. In that period away from my father, I was given an opportunity I couldn't turn down.

I remember that day, the day where my life changed completely.

I was sitting at the bus stop, waiting for the school bus to arrive.

I waited, and waited, and waited…

But it never came.

Instead, I was taken to someplace else…

I was given freedom.

I wonder… had I gone to that school, would I have learnt the things I know now? If I had mingled with my peers, would I have known friendship, connection and love? Would I have felt some semblance of happiness?

With what I know now, I understand that I would've been happy. However, I could have never been content living in that world. Because as long as I was there, my deepest wish could've never been fulfilled.

To be content is to be truly satisfied. A peace that remains with you, and doesn't leave. The fulfillment of my deepest wish was the key to my contentment.

I am happy to know that I am now content.